Author Topic: Cute jokes thread (Read 167494 times)

tomos · « **Reply #50 on:** February 21, 2011, 11:48 AM »

http://cynic.me/2011...d-lady-church-jokes/
-Renegade (February 21, 2011, 10:36 AM)

Loved it - nothing offensive there though (in case anyone unsure whether to visit) .
Content uncopyable, but I presume that's intentional...

Curt · « **Reply #51 on:** February 21, 2011, 12:58 PM »

http://cynic.me/2011...d-lady-church-jokes/
-Renegade (February 21, 2011, 10:36 AM)
-tomos (February 21, 2011, 11:48 AM)

-fantastic! I am still laughing

Little Old Lady Church Jokes.PDF.zip (174.43 kB - downloaded 374 times.)

superboyac · « **Reply #52 on:** February 21, 2011, 02:57 PM »

http://cynic.me/2011...d-lady-church-jokes/
-Renegade (February 21, 2011, 10:36 AM)
-tomos (February 21, 2011, 11:48 AM)

-fantastic! I am still laughing

(see attachment in previous post)

-Curt (February 21, 2011, 12:58 PM)

Renegade · « **Reply #53 on:** February 21, 2011, 08:47 PM »

http://cynic.me/2011...d-lady-church-jokes/
-Renegade (February 21, 2011, 10:36 AM)
Content seems to be unviewably (behind the "fence")
-Stoic Joker (February 21, 2011, 11:23 AM)

Ah... I see copying from Microsoft Office and pasting using the MS Word function in WordPress makes things unviewable in Internet Explorer. How poetic. Now I just need to know which ones are the godless heathens...

http://cynic.me/2011...d-lady-church-jokes/
-Renegade (February 21, 2011, 10:36 AM)

Loved it - nothing offensive there though (in case anyone unsure whether to visit) .
Content uncopyable, but I presume that's intentional...

-tomos (February 21, 2011, 11:48 AM)

Nope. I didn't test in different browsers.

Fixed now. Viewable in IE, and copyable.

Josh · « **Reply #54 on:** February 21, 2011, 09:08 PM »

http://flamingzombie...ng+Zombie+Monkeys%29

Flaming Zombie Monkeys, if that isn't reason enough for you to click then...you have issues ;-)

Curt · « **Reply #55 on:** February 24, 2011, 03:07 AM »

...' been there, done that ...

cranioscopical · « **Reply #56 on:** March 08, 2011, 08:46 PM »

Renegade · « **Reply #57 on:** March 08, 2011, 08:49 PM »

(see attachment in previous post)
-cranioscopical (March 08, 2011, 08:46 PM)

Bwahahahahahaha~!

I was just talking to my wife last night about Comic Sans. I MUST forward this to her!

Deozaan · « **Reply #58 on:** April 23, 2011, 03:52 PM »

Typography humor:

JavaJones · « **Reply #59 on:** April 23, 2011, 03:54 PM »

Hah! That's brilliant Deo.

- Oshyan

mouser · « **Reply #60 on:** April 23, 2011, 05:51 PM »

can someone explain why it's "typography" humour to me?

Josh · « **Reply #61 on:** April 23, 2011, 05:53 PM »

can someone explain why it's "typography" humour to me?
-mouser (April 23, 2011, 05:51 PM)

+1

Edvard · « **Reply #62 on:** April 23, 2011, 05:54 PM »

Go to your fonts folder (C:\WINDOWS\fonts) and double-click any Windows system font (Arial, ferinstance).

Josh · « **Reply #63 on:** April 23, 2011, 06:21 PM »

hahahaha

Deozaan · « **Reply #64 on:** April 23, 2011, 06:28 PM »

Typography humor:

-Deozaan (April 23, 2011, 03:52 PM)

can someone explain why it's "typography" humour to me?
-mouser (April 23, 2011, 05:51 PM)

The slow black mouser doesn't get the subtle typography joke. 1234567890

mouser · « **Reply #65 on:** April 23, 2011, 06:43 PM »

ha, now i get it

app103 · « **Reply #66 on:** April 23, 2011, 06:54 PM »

This would be the other typography joke.

Renegade · « **Reply #67 on:** April 23, 2011, 11:03 PM »

A couple are getting on in their years, and are sitting out on the porch on a sunny afternoon.

The wife says to her husband, "I'm not happy. I'm getting old. My legs have varicose veins, my hair is gray, and I've got wrinkles everywhere. I started gaining weight a few years ago, and never lost any. I'm fat and my shoes even look a bit smaller now. I've not bought any nice clothes for a long time as they just don't make them in my size for older women."

The husband grunts, "Hm."

The wife says, "Well, say something nice to cheer me up!"

He responds, "Well, your eyesight is still good."

Curt · « **Reply #68 on:** June 15, 2011, 10:57 AM »

Cute jokes thread
-Curt

ever wondered what a chickenfight is about?:

Renegade · « **Reply #69 on:** July 27, 2011, 06:55 AM »

I just got this from my mom:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Ath · « **Reply #70 on:** July 27, 2011, 07:30 AM »

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
-Renegade (July 27, 2011, 06:55 AM)

LOL

Does that include writing in English?

Curt · « **Reply #71 on:** July 27, 2011, 07:32 AM »

Thank you!

Fra nu af skriver jeg kun på dansk!

Curt · « **Reply #72 on:** August 03, 2011, 02:58 AM »

The proper way to answer certain kind of questions:

Dear Miriam
The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual.
I hadn't gone a hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car juddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I found him in the bedroom. I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high heel shoes, and he was wearing my make up.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for 12 years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed up in my lingerie because he couldn't find any of his own underwear.
But when I asked him about the make up, he broke down and admitted that he has been wearing my clothes for six months.
I told him it had to stop, or I would leave him.

He was made redundant from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum, he has become increasigly distant, and I don't feel I can get through to him any more. Please can you help
Mrs B., Essex
-Letter To Miriam's Advice Lines

and the wonderful, proper answer:

Dear Mrs. B.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults in the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
-Answer from Miriam's Advice Lines
-from Real Life

Cute jokes thread

NB!: Text by ABBYY Screenshot Reader.

CodeBoy · « **Reply #73 on:** August 04, 2011, 03:14 AM »

A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of nice new shoes. 'How do they feel?' asks the sales clerk.

'Well they feel a bit tight,' replies the man.

The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. 'Try pulling the tongue out,' the clerk says.

'Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth.

wraith808 · « **Reply #74 on:** August 04, 2011, 01:51 PM »

Geek Humor!

A virus walks into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve viruses in this bar. The virus replaces the bartender, and says now we do.

An infectious disease walks into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve infectious diseases in this bar. The infectious disease replies, well, you're not a very good host.

Two bacteria walk into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve bacteria in this bar. The bacteria replies but we work here! We're staph!

... getting geekier...

A room temperature superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender replies we don't serve any superconductors in this bar. The room temperature super conductor leaves without putting up any resistance.

... and geekier...

An infrared photon walks into a bar and asks, is it hot in here, or is it just me?

... deeper down the geek hole...

A neutrino walks into a bar, and the bartender says we don't serve neutrinos in this bar, and the neutrino replies, hey, I was just passing through...

... one last level of geek factor...

Schroedinger's cat walks into a bar... and doesn't!

And a bonus geek joke!

√-1 2^3 ∑ π

Spoiler

(I ate sum pie)