silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[IainB]

[Renegade]

In case anyone is interested, the temperature in Hell right now is about 3 degrees Celsius...

[4wd]

Via my other half's Probus group:

Kulula^w is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.





















Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg. Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

• On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
• On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
• On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings... If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
• "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
• As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
• After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
• From a Kulula employee:  "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
• "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive... Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
• "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
• And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
• Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
• Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
• Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
• An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline".
  
  He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
  
                  She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
                  "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
                  The little old lady said,
                  "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
• After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
• Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
• Heard on a Kulula flight: "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing...If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[MerleOne]

Excellent !  Thanks for sharing it.

[TaoPhoenix]

That's epic 4wd.

[Arizona Hot]

I don't know whether this bumper sticker belongs here. Can someone translate the Arabic so we will know? It can be found in page 38 of Have a laugh at some of the funniest bumper stickers ever

[J-Mac]

For you Star War fans, a pretty nasty tweet was made and directed to George Lucas, and then re-tweeted to Shawn Ryan, the creator of some damn good TV programs, like The Shield, Terriers, The Unit, a season of Lie To Me, and currently The Last Resort; it just hit my funny bone hard:

Spoiler

Shawn Ryan ‏@ShawnRyanTV

Only if Han shoots first. RT @Jason23Nash: . @georgelucas Doing a project here with my son. Real quick: can Chewbacca suck his own dick?

Jim

[Renegade]

This year, make sure your vote makes a difference~!

silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[IainB]

@4wd: Thanks for the great Kulula jokes and pix. As for the jokes, I collect jokes and had seen several of those you mention before, but written in the context of other airlines' names, so I suspect that many may be apocryphal - i.e., only the name of the airline changes.
Good for a larf nontheless.

Here are some others - probably apocryphal - airline jokes, but reputedly of air Traffic Control dialogue:

Air Traffic Control dialogue.
The following are supposedly actual accounts of radio exchanges between airline pilots and control towers around the world, but I have seen them coming up in email in various different guises, over the years.  Genuine or not, however, they are quite amusing.

============================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"
============================================================
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet.  How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
============================================================
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...  I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.  If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind  a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.  After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine." explained the flight attendant, adding, "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.  The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing between aircraft).

The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?

Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth!"
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.  By the    way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.  Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...  we've already notified our caterers."
==========================================================
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport can sometimes be a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but also how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after landing:

Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active runway."

Ground: "Guten morgen!  You vill taxi to your gate!"

The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground: (with some arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, I have, in 1944.  In another type of Boeing. I didn't stop."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.  Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
During taxi at London Heathrow, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming, "US Air 2771, where are you going?  I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxi way; you turned right on "Delta." Stop right there.  I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right."

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out.  You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to.  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you.  You got that, US Air 2771?"

The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".

Naturally, the "ground control" frequency went terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air Flight 2771.  No one wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state.  Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.

Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air crew, an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
============================================================

[TaoPhoenix]

Those are pretty good too Iain!

[IainB]

Priceless.
EDIT 2013-03-07: The picture has been removed. Original source for this and the image is a Telegrapgh.co.uk post:

Spoiler

You thought the whole 'EUSSR' thing was over the top? Have a look at this poster
(Image)
I used to find the EUSSR trope tedious, but now…

Take a close look at this promotional poster. Notice anything? Alongside the symbols of Christianity, Judaism, Jainism and so on is one of the wickedest emblems humanity has conceived: the hammer and sickle.

For three generations, the badge of the Soviet revolution meant poverty, slavery, torture and death. It adorned the caps of the chekas who came in the night. It opened and closed the propaganda films which hid the famines. It advertised the people's courts where victims of purges and show-trials were condemned. It fluttered over the re-education camps and the gulags. For hundreds of millions of Europeans, it was a symbol of foreign occupation. Hungary, Lithuania and Moldova have banned its use, and various  former communist countries want it to be treated in the same way as Nazi insignia.

Yet here it sits on a poster in the European Commission, advertising the moral deafness of its author (I hope that's what it is, rather than lingering nostalgia). The Bolshevist sigil celebrates the ideology which, in strict numerical terms, must be reckoned the most murderous ever devised by our species. That it can be passed unremarked day after day in the corridors of Brussels is nauseating.

A piece of biting sarcasm and fair comment from reason.tv's Hit & Run Blog, about a Promotional Poster in the European Commission

Matthew Feeney|Oct. 19, 2012 2:15 pm
Member of the European Parliament and Youtube phenomenon Daniel Hannan posted a photo of a poster hanging in the European Commission on his blog today. The poster is from Europe4All and features the E.U. logo in the top right corner.
At first glance it looks like a happy-feely all inclusive tolerance plug, but on closer inspection a more sinister symbol can be seen amongst the crosses, star of Davids, ying-yangs, trisulas, and Torii gates, the hammer and sickle. Hannan remarks on the symbol of an atheist regime that killed tens of millions of people being among religious symbols in a poster promoting tolerance:

For three generations, the badge of the Soviet revolution meant poverty, slavery, torture and death. It adorned the caps of the chekas who came in the night. It opened and closed the propaganda films which hid the famines. It advertised the people's courts where victims of purges and show-trials were condemned. It fluttered over the re-education camps and the gulags.

Nauseating stuff. Whoever is responsible for the poster maybe should have considered the misery inflicted by the Soviet Union on countries that are now members of the E.U. While to ignorant left-wing westerners gripped by middle-class guilt the hammer and sickle might be some sort of pathetic symbolic refuge, to the people of Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania, and Poland it might have a different connotation.

All I want to know is who forgot the swastikas.

[tomos]

Priceless.
A piece of biting sarcasm and fair comment from reason.tv's Hit & Run Blog, about a Promotional Poster in the European Commission
 (see attachment in previous post)

-IainB (October 20, 2012, 07:06 AM)

also odd because it doesnt exist anymore....


Anyone know
- what's the symbol that looks like a table for?
- and the one that looks like a ship's steering wheel? (maybe simply seafarers)
- and the trident???  (seafarers covered already, some interesting possibilities in wikipedia http://en.wikipedia....ymbolism.2Fmythology)

[fenixproductions]

@tomos
http://en.wikipedia..../Religious_symbolism

[tomos]

thanks fenix, came across a couple of strange ones there (how about a religion that believes the earth was created by a species of extraterrestrials - their symbol is a swastika within a star of David ...)

- the table is actually a gate and is Shinto (Japanese)
- I never knew this one: the ship's steering wheel is for buddhism (the 'Wheel of Dharma'). I had thought the hand was Buddhist but that is Jainism.

- it's still not clear what the trident is (possibly paganism?)

[Edvard]

Hinduism.
http://www.religionf.../symbols/trisula.htm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trishula

The trihsula (also spelled trishul or trisula, Sanskrit for "three spear") is a trident spear that is the emblem of the god Shiva. The weapon symbolizes empire and the irresistible force of transcendental reality.

The three prongs of the trishula represent Shiva's three aspects of:

• creator,
• preserver
• destroyer

as well as the three shaktis (powers):

• will
• action
• wisdom

The fearsome goddess Durga also brandishes a trishula in one of her seven hands.

Seems to be a (relatively) recent addition, though:
http://www.outlookin.../article.aspx?220045

[tomos]

Seems to be a (relatively) recent addition, though:
http://www.outlookin.../article.aspx?220045

-Edvard (October 20, 2012, 10:57 PM)

thanks Edvard.

Interestingly, that article also says:

The trishul, Jha says, is being appropriated by political Hinduism the same way it claimed the cow as a holy symbol in the 19th century to counter British aggression.

I didnt know that about the 'holy cow'.

Anyways,
probably enough serious talk for a Silly Homour thread ;-)

[IainB]

[TaoPhoenix]

I'm only as sharp as a marble, Iain. What does that pic mean? : (

[tomos]

I'm only as sharp as a marble, Iain. What does that pic mean? : (

-TaoPhoenix (October 21, 2012, 11:30 AM)

Well, have a quick look at the first two paragraphs of the Jimmy Saville page:
http://en.wikipedia....rg/wiki/Jimmy_Savile

(The other guy is Tony Blair.)

[TaoPhoenix]

Yikes!

[IainB]

I'm only as sharp as a marble, Iain. What does that pic mean? : (

-TaoPhoenix (October 21, 2012, 11:30 AM)

Sorry about that. The joke was sent to me by a friend in the UK and you would not necessarily "see" the joke at all if you hadn't been up to speed with the UK's Jimmy Saville revelations.
It's quite a clever combined current-affairs-type + political joke, but arguably a bit cruel towards Blair.    

[IainB]

Hinduism...
...The fearsome goddess Durga also brandishes a trishula in one of her seven hands.

-Edvard (October 20, 2012, 10:57 PM)

Seems to be a (relatively) recent addition, though:
http://www.outlookin.../article.aspx?220045
[/quote]
Yes, it's apparently a new "absorption" into the Hindu religio-political ideology.

"Hinduism has survived because of its dynamism, its ability to adopt from everywhere and then make it its own."

How interesting! I suspect that this adaptability would probably be true of most surviving religio-political ideologies. A good example would be the Christian Nicene Creed (belief in the The Holy Trinity) apparently invented in about 300 A.D. to prevent a split in the Church. Mohammed (pbuh) later - circa 630 A.D. - decreed this to be a double-whammy blasphemy, as it divided the indivisible One God into three parts, one of which - Jesus, "The Son" - was a human being (just a prophet).

[Renegade]

To get the joke, you have to visit the site:

http://www.romneytaxplan.com/

[tomos]

To get the joke, you have to visit the site:

http://www.romneytaxplan.com/

-Renegade (October 22, 2012, 09:57 AM)

laugh of the day

[Renegade]

laugh of the day

-tomos (October 22, 2012, 12:47 PM)

I found this one too, and I really don't know which is funnier...

http://dailycaller.c...ks-ahead-of-election