What's your favorite LOL joke?

[momonan]

I'll start with this one:

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''  I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar! He never did any of that shit.

[mouser]

 

[Veign]

Here's one of my favorite quick jokes:
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.

The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[momonan]

 

[mouser]

 

[ljbirns]

A man is in the waiting room of a hospital emergency room having brought his wife in.  When the doctor finally comes out, the doctor says to the man " I don;t like the way your wife looks "  The man replies  " Neither do I Doc, but she's a great cook and good with the kids " 

[mouser]

ahahahahahahaahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahahah 

[PPLandry]

I had a huge laugh when I got this one:


A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, ''How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes' the blonde replied 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

Spoiler

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

[mouser]

 

[SKesselman]

 
ten out of ten laughs for that LOL, thanks!

[CleverCat]

How many DC Members does it take to change a light bulb?

None - there's a FARR Plugin for that!

[tomos]

Spoiler

'And by the way, ' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.

-PPLandry (November 02, 2009, 07:52 PM)

[Stoic Joker]

Some are better then others, but this is some of the stuff I saved from Emails etc.



No wonder teachers go "crazy" with children
>
> TEACHER: Why are you late?
> WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
> TEACHER: What sign?
> WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
> CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
> JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
> TEACHER: No, that's wrong
> JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
> SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
> TEACHER: What are you talking about?
> SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
> GEORGE: Here it is!
> TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
> CLASS: George!
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't
> have
> ten years ago.
> WILLY: Me!
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
> TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
> FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
> SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
> JOSE: Don't bite any.
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
> ELLEN: I is...
> TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
> ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
>
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
>
>
> Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't
punish him?"
> Johnny : "Because George still had the axe in his hand."
>
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>
>
> Son : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
> Father : No. Why do you ask that?
> Son : Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
>
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>
>
> Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green
and
one is blue with red spots!
> Kirk : Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at
home.
>
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>
>
> At a church school gathering, one little old lady approached a cute
5-year-old girl and asked her where she got her good looks. "I musta
got 'em
from my Daddy," said the little girl, "'cause Mommy's still got hers."
>
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>
> Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
> Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
>
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>
>
> Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no
longer interested?
> Pupil : A teacher.
>
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>
>

[Stoic Joker]

Murphy's Laws of Combat
>
> * If the enemy is in range, so are you
> * Don't look conspicuous; it draws fire
> * There is always a way, that way is always mined
> * Try to look unimportant; they might be low on ammo
> * Teamwork is essential; it gives them someone else to shoot at
> * If orders can be misunderstood they will be
> * The tank is a monument to the inaccuracy of indirect fire
> * Never reinforce failure; failure reinforces itself
> * Odd objects attract fire. You are odd
> * Your mortar barrage will put exactly one round on the intended target.
> That round will be a dud
> * Mine fields are not neutral
> * The weight of your equipment is proportional to the cube of the time you
> have been carrying it
> * The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack
> * If your attack is going well, it's an ambush
> * When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy
> * Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder
> * Never stand when you can sit
> * Never sit when you can lie down
> * A grenade with a 7 second fuse will always burn in 4 seconds
> * The enemy never watches until you make a mistake
> * Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss
> * The more a weapon costs, the further you will have to send it to be
> repaired
> * Interchangeable parts are not
> * The item you need is always in short supply
> * The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of it's
> operator
> * If it's stupid but it works, it isn't stupid
> * No combat ready group ever passes inspection
> * No inspection ready group ever survives combat
> * All battles are fought at the junction of two or more maps
> * Things that must be together to work can never be shipped together
> * If you need an officer in a hurry take a nap
> * Radar tends to fail at night and in bad weather, and especially during
> both
> * Tracers work both ways
> * The effective killing radius is greater than the average soldier can
> throw it
> * Military intelligence is a contradiction of terms

[Stoic Joker]

Medical Mishaps, Entries found on patient's records
---------------------------------------------------

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[Stoic Joker]

TO:  Ex Floridians, present Floridians, future Floridans or those who know a Floridian

We're about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.''

Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance.

Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.


Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets.  There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so.
He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc.; you should, as a precaution, throw
these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what The bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers
stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

[app103]

A blond walks into a bank in Toronto and asks for the Loan Officer.

She tells the Loan Officer that she is going on a business trip to Europe for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.00.

The Loan Officer says that the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blond hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car was parked on the street outside the bank. She has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The Loan Officer and the bank employees all enjoy a good laugh at the blond for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground parking garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blond returns, repays the $5,000 and interest, which comes to $15.41.

The Loan Officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000 ?"

The blond replies...

Spoiler

"Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it still to be there when I return?"

Finally, a smart blond joke!

[PPLandry]

How about this one:


The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this)

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?", like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?"

Spoiler

He said, "I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

[mouser]

  good stuff.

[ljbirns]

A priest is at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?"
The guy replies, "I'm Peter Pilot, retired Southwest Airlines Pilot from Dallas ."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Father Joe, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
"Just a minute," says the good father, "that man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff, and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?"
"We go by results," says Saint Peter, "When you preached, people slept; when he flew, people prayed."
 

[sajman99]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert. After setting up their tent, they go to sleep. Several hours later The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend.
"Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute and replies.....
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant by comparison. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Tonto, you dumbass, someone has stolen our tent!"

[momonan]

A trucker is transporting some valuable penguins from the Philadelphia Zoo to the Bronx Zoo during a heat wave in August, when his large refrigerated truck breaks down not far from the Bronx.  Just as the penguins are about to expire, the trucker waives down an icecream vendor and offers him $500 to take the penguins to the Bronx Zoo.  The icecream vendor agrees and off they go.

Several hours later, the truck is fixed and the trucker goes to the Bronx Zoo to check on his penguins.  They are nowhere to be seen.  He puts out an alert and gets all of the New City police searching for the penguins.

Finally, he sees a large crowd and commotion outside a movie theater in Times Square.  There in the middle of things is the icecream vendor and all the penguins.  The trucker charges up to the icecream vendor and asks him what on earth the penguins are doing THERE and why he didn't take them to the zoo.

To which the icecream vendor replies:  "I DID take them to the zoo. But I had some money left over, so I decided to take them to the movies."

[mouser]

 
that penguin zoo joke is one of my favorites, way back from when you first told it to me many years ago

[Target]

apologies to blondes everywhere, but this is one of my faves...

a blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices a 'peel and WIN' sticker on her cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming "I'VE WON A MOTORHOME!! I'VE WON A MOTORHOME!!"

The waitress says to her "that's impossible, the biggest prize is a free lunch..."

but the blonde keeps screaming "I'VE WON A MOTORHOME!! I'VE WON A MOTORHOME!!"

Finally the manager comes over and says "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your mistaken.  You couldn't possibly have won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize"

the blonde looks at him and says "it's no mistake, I'VE WON A MOTORHOME!!" and hands him the ticket

and he reads...

    "WIN A BAGEL"

[40hz]

A long-haul driver stopped off at a truck stop, parked his 18-wheeler along the side of the building, and went inside to get something to eat.
 
After sitting down at the mostly empty counter, he chatted with the waitress a bit and settled on a cheeseburger, a cup of coffee, and a slice of homemade apple pie which the waitress had recommended highly.
 
But no sooner did his meal get put in front of him, when in walked three members of an outlaw motorcycle gang.

The gang members surveyed the room, spotted the solo trucker, exchanged evil smiles with each other, and walked over to where he was sitting. One sat down on the trucker's left, the other sat down on the trucker's right, while the biggest biker stood directly behind the hapless man.

Without saying a word, the biker on the left started eating the driver's cheeseburger. The biker, who was standing, reached around and picked up the driver's coffee and proceeded to drink it. And the biker on the right picked up a fork and helped himself to a huge mouthful of the driver's apple pie, afterwhich he took the check the waitress had left on the counter, rolled it up like a cigarette, and stuck it in the driver's mouth.

The driver carefully stood up, took the check out of his mouth, slowly unrolled it, and then handed it to the waitress with a twenty dollar bill before walking out the door without so much as a single word or backwards glance.

The bikers were by now beside themselves with laughter. When they finally caught their breath, one of them looked up at the waitress who was calmly wiping the counter.

"Hey Honey!" the biggest biker said. "That trucker...he wasn't much of a man was he."

The waitress looked up and smiled briefly. "Apparently he wasn't much of a trucker either. He just drove over three motorcycles on his way out of the parking lot..."