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Last post Author Topic: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]  (Read 3671343 times)

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1400 on: April 02, 2013, 09:57 PM »
The senusal wife.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife, smiling.

"No." said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a very crumpled twenty-dollar bill.

Still smiling, she said "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?"

"Uh, no." he said.

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a very crumpled fifty-dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No!" he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."

wraith808

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1401 on: April 03, 2013, 10:13 AM »
Removed image... I thought it was pretty good for a laugh, but I guess not...
« Last Edit: April 03, 2013, 03:34 PM by wraith808 »

tomos

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1402 on: April 03, 2013, 10:47 AM »
^guaranteed to get a few backs up there wraith...
But I did enjoy it; and (unfortunately) trust the FDA about as far as I could throw them collectively.


The senusal wife.
[...]
"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No!" he said, now really intrigued.

"Well go look in the garage..."
took a moment for that to sink in ;D ;D
Tom

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1403 on: April 03, 2013, 01:25 PM »
(see attachment in previous post)

The graphic is a bit misleading. It's not "fresh" milk that they say is dangerous, it's "raw" milk. And rather than get into it here in this thread, just see what I had to say about it here in this thread: https://www.donation....msg296283#msg296283

And anybody that wants to debate about this, please don't do it here. This thread is for silly jokes, which this is not one. Go start a new thread in the Basement about it. I probably won't be joining you, though, because I said my piece already in that thread I linked to.

Deozaan

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1404 on: April 03, 2013, 02:48 PM »
(see attachment in previous post)

While I agree with the sentiment, this is the silly humor thread. That's not silly humor.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1405 on: April 03, 2013, 11:15 PM »
@wraith808: As a boy in North Wales, in school holidays I used to go round in the mornings to help out at the dairy farm next door (Evans the Milk's farm). I'd help out with the milking and the mucking-out (shit-shovelling) in the milking shed, and do various other odd-jobs (e.g., help out on the milk delivery round, move sheep to another paddock), and as payment I would take home to Mum two pints of fresh, pure and creamy milk (still warm from the cows that had been milked that morning), and freshly hand-churned butter - which sometimes I was the one to have been given the job of churning.
      
Years later (approx. 5 years ago), with my head stuffed full of business management, science, IT, computer programming, computer modelling and financial accounting, I was coincidentally assigned to a contract as a programme manager overseeing 80+ projects (some of which were multi-million dollar projects) relating to the set-up, operation and improvement of manufacturing and supply-chain processes in the operation of NZ's largest dairy producer in diverse parts of the world - e.g., including Australasia (New Zealand, Australia), Asia (including Japan), and South America (including Argentina, Brazil).
I learned a tremendous amount about the relevant foreign nations' laws, and the peculiar lengths that dairy manufacturer's have to go to, to ensure and maintain pure and consistent/stable quality in their output, in order to meet the stringent statutory quality standards of local and overseas markets.
      
With this background, and with what I have learned, I therefore considered that the image you posted was:
  • (a) rather clever
  • (b) quite acceptable (inoffensive) humour - especially in a NSFW forum
  • (c) valid comment
  • (d) presumably and arguably relatively accurate (about the US FDA I mean)
  • (e) making a valid point in a factual and amusing way, without making any person or class of people the butt of the joke.
      
Above all, it was simply funny. But you seem to have felt compelled to "self-censor" by taking the image down. What a pity! It is our loss!
Your opinion of what is funny is as valid as the next person's - as you say "I thought it was pretty good for a laugh."
Well, so did others - e.g., including myself and @Tomos:
...But I did enjoy it; and (unfortunately) trust the FDA about as far as I could throw them collectively.
      
I feel sure that @app103 did not intend for you to remove your joke on his/her say-so. No, that would be censorship. Quite the contrary, it was, I would suggest, a rather subtle joke on @app103's part to start debating the veracity/validity of your joke and then (rather amusingly) contradict that by saying that it must not be debated in this forum thread   ;D   , pointing ironically and in self-deprecating fashion to a statement of personal opinion (Re: Staple of people from State and Europe !) as though it was the absolute last word on the facts in a debate (which it categorically was not, if you read the thread). Very droll.
(I suspect that @app103 is a bit of a wag with a dry sense of humour.)
      
Never mind. If you like badges, here's a fun new badge for you to wear - I use it a lot:
      
Censorship - 02 badge.jpg
      
- and here are some suggestions that you might like to consider, for using as a possibly more suited/fitting avatar/logo to replace the one that you currently use:
      
Censorship - 01 mouth.jpg   Censorship - 03 eyes ears mouth.jpg

Censorship - 04 Three wise monkeys 01a - Hear speak see no evil.jpg
      
The three wise monkeys have long been a favourite of mine.

By the way, though this is stated as being a NSFW (Not Safe For Work) silly joke forum, I didn't think that meant that it was "Not Safe For People Whose Opinions Conflict With Ours". I feel sure that no-one here really intends to ram their opinions about what is funny or "right" humour and what is not, down our throats.
« Last Edit: April 04, 2013, 01:05 AM by IainB, Reason: Minor corrections. »

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1406 on: April 04, 2013, 12:04 AM »
I feel sure that @app103 did not intend for you to remove your joke on his/her say-so. No, that would be censorship. Quite the contrary, it was, I would suggest, a rather subtle joke on @app103's part to start debating the veracity/validity of your joke and then (rather amusingly) contradict that by saying that it must not be debated in this forum    ;D   , pointing ironically and in self-deprecating fashion to a statement of personal opinion (Re: Staple of people from State and Europe !) as though it was the absolute last word on the facts in a debate (which it categorically was not, if you read the thread). Very droll.
(I suspect that @app103 is a bit of a wag with a dry sense of humour.)

No censorship intended...not even self censorship. And I never suggested that it must not be debated on this forum, only not debated in this thread. I pointed to only 1 thread where it was slightly debated. There are already others here, if you care to search for them. I don't want to participate in any debate about the subject on this forum any more due to how tiring it is to debate with people that continuously bring up unrelated, irrelevant topics of things like playground equipment to defend their position, rather than debating the actual topic.

I don't find the subject of dead kids due to the stubbornness or ignorance of their parents (or those trusted with their care) to be a laughing matter. That's not something that's part of my sense of humor. Especially when if my child was only one year older, it could have been her among those kindergarten kids on that class trip, that died from raw milk.

And if you think that makes my sense of humor dry, oh well.

To be honest, you haven't seen my full sense of humor. I have always it on a short leash and my really nasty side off this forum, because I don't want mouser to have to ban me. I like it here.  ;)

Now, back to the funnies, please, which is what this thread is all about.  :)

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1407 on: April 04, 2013, 12:16 AM »
I don't really know who he is, but I found this comedian's joking remark (in the context of Egypt's political turmoil) pretty astute:
"Democracy isn't democracy if it only lasts up until someone makes fun of your hat." - comedian/satirist John Jon Stewart on the Today Show.

Interestingly, it was apparently Tweeted by the U.S. Embassy in Cairo and supported by the US State Department in Washington.
« Last Edit: April 06, 2013, 10:03 AM by IainB, Reason: Minor correction. »

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1408 on: April 04, 2013, 02:26 AM »
I like Jon Stewart.

Here's the whole thing. The part you quoted is around the 4:46 mark, but the whole thing is great when taken in context, and obvious why it was tweeted by the embassy and supported by the US State Department.  :D


Renegade

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1409 on: April 04, 2013, 05:32 AM »
Removed image... I thought it was pretty good for a laugh, but I guess not...

Too bad. I thought it was quite funny!

But, I guess there's no sense in crying over spilt fresh milk. :P ;D
Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

Tinman57

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1410 on: April 04, 2013, 07:00 PM »
  Humor and what is humerous is different from country to country.  What the British think is funny (British Humor) may not be funny in China, and visa-versa.

Shades

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1411 on: April 04, 2013, 07:33 PM »
Having lived for quite a while here in Paraguay, I can attest to the words of Tinman57, British humor is hardly appreciated here. Dutch humor is received even worse.

And for a lot of what goes for funny here, I can't even see or understand...luckily there is always 'schadenfreude' to fall back upon. That goes great all around the globe.  :P

app103

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1412 on: April 05, 2013, 07:54 AM »
geek.png

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1413 on: April 05, 2013, 08:22 AM »
  Humor and what is humerous is different from country to country.  What the British think is funny (British Humor) may not be funny in China, and visa-versa.
Semper in excremento, solo profundo variat.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1414 on: April 05, 2013, 08:33 AM »
A news headline I was surprised to see:
Court asks for Dikshit's medical records
EDIT 2020-03-11:Link is broken. Is in Wayback - here.
« Last Edit: March 10, 2020, 05:34 PM by IainB »

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1415 on: April 06, 2013, 06:17 AM »
Court transquips. (updated April 2006)

Consolidated from:
(a) various emails.
(b) a book apparently called "Disorder in the Court".
(c) apparently, Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, who collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - "Humor in the Court" (1977) and "More Humor in the Court".

- these are things that people reputedly said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters - who probably had to suffer the torment of trying to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.

=================================
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
=================================
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
=================================
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
=================================

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

Q: Was this a male or a female?
=================================
Q.  Are you married?
A.  No, I'm divorced.
Q.  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A.  A lot of things I didn't know about.
=================================
Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of?
A.  My ex-widow said it.
=================================
Q.  How did you happen to go to Dr.  Cherney?
A.  Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
=================================
Q.  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A.  I will be three months November 8th.
Q.  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A.  Yes.
Q.  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
=================================
Q.  Mrs.  Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A.  I should be.
Q.  How many times have you committed suicide?
A.  Four times.
=================================
Q.  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A.  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
=================================
Q.  Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  Before or after he died?
=================================
Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
=================================
Q.  What happened then?
A.  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q.  Did he kill you?
A.  No.
=================================
Q.  Mrs.  Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
=================================
Q.  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A.  No.
Q.  What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A.  Picking them up in the air.
Q.  Where was the dog at this time?
A.  Attached to the ears.
=================================
Q.  When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR.  BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
=================================
Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.?  What school do you go to?
A.  Oral.
Q.  How old are you?
A.  Oral.
=================================
Q.  What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A.  She is my daughter.
Q.  Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
=================================
Q.  Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
=================================
Q.  ...and what did he do then?
A.  He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q.  So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
=================================
Q.  Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A.  He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
=================================
Q.  So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A.  I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q.  It was covered?
A.  Yes, bandaged.
Q.  Then, later on..  what did you see?
A.  I had a skin graft.  My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
=================================
Q.  Could you see him from where you were standing?
A.  I could see his head.
Q.  And where was his head?
A.  Just above his shoulders.
=================================
Q.  What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A.  Oh, she will tell the truth.  She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
=================================
Q.  Do you drink when you're on duty?
A.  I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
=================================
Q.  ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A.  The victim lived.
=================================
Q.  Are you sexually active?
A.  No, I just lie there.
=================================
Q.  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A.  Yes, I have been since early childhood.
=================================
Q.  The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it.  You too were shot in the fracas?
A.  No, sir.  I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
=================================
Q.  What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A.  It indicates intercourse.
Q.  Male sperm?
A.  That is the only kind I know.
=================================
Q.  (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A.  Yes, sir.
Q.  And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
=================================
Q.  Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
=================================
Q.  What is your name?
A.  Ernestine McDowell.
Q.  And what is your marital status?
A.  Fair.
=================================
Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
=================================
Q.  Now, Mrs.  Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A.  By death.
Q.  And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A.  I refuse to answer that question.
Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A.  No.
=================================
Q.  What is your brother-in-law's name?
A.  Borofkin.
Q.  What's his first name?
A.  I can't remember.
Q.  He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A.  No.  I tell you I'm too excited.  (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
=================================

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
=================================

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
=================================

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget.  Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
=================================

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
=================================
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
=================================

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
=================================

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
=================================

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
=================================

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
=================================

Renegade

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1416 on: April 06, 2013, 07:52 AM »
^^ @Iain - those were good! :D
Slow Down Music - Where I commit thought crimes...

Freedom is the right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. - John Diefenbaker

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1417 on: April 06, 2013, 09:15 AM »
I liked them too. That collection is just one of roughly 2½ thousand jokes in my database.
(They only get to stay in the database if I like them.)

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1418 on: April 06, 2013, 10:01 AM »
...Here's the whole thing. The part you quoted is around the 4:46 mark, but the whole thing is great when taken in context, and obvious why it was tweeted by the embassy and supported by the US State Department.  :D

Thanks!     :up:
I just got around to downloading that (The Daily Show: Egypt, Mohamed Morsi, and Bassem Youssef) and then watching it. (Too laggy on stream feed viewing.)

My conclusion: ROFL.  :Thmbsup:   Thoroughly enjoyed it. That Jon Stewart is one heck of an amusing comedian - no wonder he has his own show. He's very good. Mercilessly "Takes the piss/Mickey" and "Pokes the borax", but I guess he couldn't do it if people he ridicules (e.g., Fuhrer President Morsi) didn't set themselves up for it in the first place.

Oh dear, now I'm going to want to watch more of his shows.

Giampy

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1419 on: April 07, 2013, 03:47 PM »
(deleted)
"A refrigerator without beer is like a body without soul"
« Last Edit: April 08, 2013, 04:11 PM by Giampy »

Deozaan

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1420 on: April 07, 2013, 11:10 PM »
I liked them too. That collection is just one of roughly 2½ thousand jokes in my database.
(They only get to stay in the database if I like them.)

There were some duplicates in there.

IainB

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1421 on: April 08, 2013, 09:32 AM »
...There were some duplicates in there.
Thanks for pointing that out.
It's very difficult and tedious to remove duplicates, as it all has to be done manually and is prone to (my) mistake.

nosh

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MerleOne

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Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Reply #1423 on: April 08, 2013, 11:47 AM »
http://reasonsmysoniscrying.tumblr.com/ :)
Excellent !  I like the captions...
.merle1.

Deozaan

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