Let's put this through the "Ren Test" 
Here is a short section from a book I am writing, which I would love to get some opinions on 
-Stephen66515
Here are some free-form comments inline. I'm only addressing grammar and style. I'm going to avoid any artistic decisions for the sake of focus.
(When I say "style", I mean the style of grammar used.)
I'm marking my comments with "
R - ".
Really, there is no way he could have seen this coming. Spending every day locked away in his own little world; friends all around, but loneliness so vivid.
R - Your use of semi-colons is jarring. Semi-colons join related sentences, but don't replace commas.
Darkness was his companion, the light; his enemy.
R - Same issue. Consider using commas.
R - If you're looking to jar the reader with some kind of shock, then, well, I'm not so sure that it works as it also introduces a bit of confusion. Perhaps an ellipsis there would work better. e.g.
Darkness was his companion, the light... his enemy.
Yet, somehow, through the mist, he saw something that made no sense, something he couldn't explain. Words cannot describe
R - Consider using:
Words could not describe...
R - That sticks to the same tense.
the feeling that had come over him, and all he knew, was that something was changing...something strange,
R - Ellipses styles vary. I'm not fond of the lack of a space following an ellipsis, but others prefer it when the first letter is lower-case.
something wonderful, but also absolutely terrifying. It took only a few moments for things to become clear, and he could see through the mist, he could feel the breeze.
R - That's where a semi-colon is needed. Right now you have a comma splice. Consider the following:
It took only a few moments for things to become clear, and he could see through the mist; he could feel the breeze.
R - Or, this:
It took only a few moments for things to become clear, and he could see through the mist, feel the breeze.
R - Now, that's not a strict grammatical style, but it fits. Here's a stricter style:
It took only a few moments for things to become clear as he could see through the mist and feel the breeze.
R - There are many ways to work that out. Styles differ, but sticking to more common styles that don't violate basic grammar rules is the best way to go unless there is a very compelling reason.
Something whispered out to him, and he knew then, what he must do, to survive.
R - Now, for the specific style that I prefer, I'd use ellipses there instead of commas. They simply work better in many cases as they indicate to the reader that the reader needs to imagine something or fill in the blanks. Here's an example with ellipses:
Something whispered out to him, and he knew then... what he had to do... to survive.
R - I also swapped out "must" there as it doesn't work well in the past tense. "Had to" or "needed to" are better choices as they inflect for the past tense. But, I think this would still be better:
Something whispered out to him, and he knew then what he had to do... to survive.
R - You might get flak from some people for the comma there, but there's nothing wrong with it at all. Commas are also used to indicate pauses, and that works there.
(New Chapter)Things just didn't seem quite right, what with everything that was happening.
R - You are adopting a very conversational tone there with how you're phrasing things. Nothing wrong with that. Just an observation. (The "what" triggers that.)
Days seemed short, the nights long, no matter what he said, there was nothing getting through, nothing had the power to break through the wall, and that left him with a heart so powerless, his soul fading like sheets blowing into the distance.
R - There again I'd say go back and examine how you're using commas. You've got comma splices in there with no apparently good reason for them.
Days seemed short. Nights long.
R - That punctuates it a bit better. The next part is a bit hairy.
No matter what he said, there was nothing getting through, nothing had the power to break through the wall, and that left him with a heart so powerless, his soul fading like sheets blowing into the distance.
R - Now, in that part the second comma would be better as a period. Check this:
No matter what he said, there was nothing getting through. Nothing had the power to break through the wall, and that left him with a heart so powerless, his soul fading like sheets blowing into the distance.
R - The second sentence there could use some tightening up:
Nothing had the power to break through the wall, and that left him with a heart so powerless, his soul faded like sheets blowing into the distance.
R - Faded vs. fading. "Fading" simply doesn't work as you're then changing the tense which is jarring, grammatically wrong, and simply not working well there.
R - Everything here works fine. No issues at all.
Hidden away, lost, and with an overwhelming loneliness thrust through his soul, he had no clue how to overcome the feelings of darkness that passed through him on a minute-by-minute basis. Nothing seemed to help. Life was slipping past him at an incredible rate, yet the world seemed to stay without motion, words resonating without echo, quickly evaporating into a hazy mist.
People move so quickly these days, but for reasons that are unknown,
R - Here you can cut out some clutter. Consider this:
People move so quickly these days, but for reasons unknown,
R - Eliminating "that are" makes that flow better. Also, tense.
R - Continuing:
People move so quickly these days, but for reasons unknown, his feet are stuck in the quicksand he has created,
R - You're drifting through tenses without any kind of purpose there. -- "are stuck"
R - Now, you **can** shift through tenses, but you really need to work hard on making that tense shift obvious **AND** acceptable to the reader.
R - Also, consider your use of past participles: "he has created".
R - British English is far less direct than American English. The simple past works much better for effect as it is more definite.
R - Going over that part so far...
People move so quickly these days, but for reasons unknown, his feet stuck in the quicksand he created, lost in his own spirit, drowning in solitude, and with painful angst, he muttered slowly with every breath he could muster, hoping for some release, something to help him climb up from the bottom of this endless cliff, but that was a path he could not see.
R - I tighted up the tense there. Now we can see that this is a recent story with better clairity.
R - For "this endless cliff", I'm not fond of that. Consider this:
something to help him climb up from the bottom of his endless cliff,
R - Also, instead of "but that was a path he could not see", consider:
but that was a path he was blind to.
R - Above I quibbled about comma use, but in that passage there I think you've nailed some good usage and it works.
R - Here, I have to wonder if you're guilty of a typo or trolling me:
It is amazing to think, that for a long time, these feelings where locked, like an ocean liner trapped in a bottle or a firefly lost in the sunset.
R - This instead:
It is amazing to think, that for a long time, these feelings
were locked, like an ocean liner trapped in a bottle or a firefly lost in the sunset.
R - His mind twisted like branches around an old oak tree,
R - The word you're looking for is "ivy". Just a simple word choice there:
His mind twisted like ivy around an old oak tree,
R - Here:
His mind twisted like ivy around an old oak tree, trying to find resolve, desperate for an end, a way through, some meaning, some light, but nothing would go right, every turn was littered with voids.
R - You've got the effect going quite well, then you ruin it here:
some light
, but nothing would go right
R - That comma doesn't work very well. It's "ok" (in a horrible sense), but you've shown that you can do much better. Consider a period or rewriting that section.
R - Here:
but nothing would go right, every turn was littered with voids.
R - The comma doesn't work well.
R - Here:
He spent his days locked behind a glaring screen, sound coming through was muffled and empty, but it gave him a reason, a way forward, and a path on which to travel where he couldn't feel. Every word he tried to say, came out backwards, and it was breaking him.
R - "glaring screen, sound" -- Comma use again. It could work, but you need to rewrite that passage to make it flow better. Here's a quick "out of my butt" example:
R - From:
He spent his days locked behind a glaring screen, sound coming through was muffled and empty,
R - To:
He spent his days locked behind a glaring screen with sound coming through muffled and empty,
R - For this:
where he couldn't feel
R - I think I'd like this better:
where he could be numb
R - A positive assertion often works better than a negative one.
R - Here:
Every word he tried to say, came out backwards, and it was breaking him.
R - The first comma doesn't seem to have any purpose. Try this:
Every word he tried to say came out backwards, and it was breaking him.
R - I'm skipping the last 2 paragraphs there. Except for this:
Sitting there, he could think clearly, so clearly.
R - When using "so", make sure that what should follow is clear. The general construct is "so X that Y", and the "Y" needs to be clear unless there's a good reason, e.g. You purposefully want to leave that question unanswered so that the reader can discover it through some sort of revelation later on. You use "so" in a few places. Double-check that you have used it properly.
R - From what I can see there, you're using commas as a crutch, and it's not working well. This is the biggest problem I see there.
R - For tense, you really need to pay more attention to get your tenses agreeing better. Right now you're switching between tenses with no focus. From what I can see, you're trying to get the "immediacy" of the present tenses, but how you transition is simply unacceptable. Now, that's not to say that it can't be done. However, those transitions need to be planned and orchestrated very carefully. I can't give you an example because, let's face it... that shit is hard and takes time.
R - As it stands, you have some work to do to get that up to publishable standards. A lot of that work is almost trivial to fix. A couple hours of reading on grammar and you're good to go.
R - In any event, that's just a very (not "so"
) quick technical analysis of some grammar and style.
R - I focused on a lot of negative things there, but that's basically what I do -- corrections.
R - Today I did some work for a medical instrument company, and had to come back to them with some much worse news than I've given you. Sigh... I hate being the "bad guy" sometimes.
R - Anyways, my home brew is f**king awesome!
I'm not going to be able to type much of anything soon.
