silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[IainB]

Something old, something new:

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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A man has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 15 hours to hoover the house!
Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all my husband has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let him in.
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A man was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
In his defence, he said he only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.  When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots......
Your manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD'
Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the husband leans over and says to his wife, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
She replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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[IainB]

If you think lawyers don't  have hearts, read the best lawyer story of our time:

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.  So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit at his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity.  Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Sally Ann?'

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'

Embarrassed, the Sally rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'

'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
 
The stricken Sally rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated Sally rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

[bit]

Why Do You Need A High-Refresh / 120Hz-plus Monitor?
I have no idea,  and BTW do you have any asperine?

What kind of tea do birds drink?
Nestea.

What kind of fish likes books?
A Microfiche.

[MilesAhead]

So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

-IainB (February 13, 2015, 10:49 AM)

Heh heh.  That's a classic punch line.   

[IainB]

Following on from:

(see attachment in previous post)
Paraprosdokian Fun

-Arizona Hot (May 29, 2013, 12:23 AM)

PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

• 1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• 2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list.
• 3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• 4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• 5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• 6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
• 7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• 8.  They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• 9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
• 10.  Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
• 11.  I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• 12.  In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• 13.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• 14.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• 15.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• 16.  A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• 17.  You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• 18.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• 19.  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• 20.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
• 21.  You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• 22.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• 23.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• 24.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• 25.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• 26.  Where there's a will, there are relatives.

[MilesAhead]

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.' [/li][/list]

-IainB (February 14, 2015, 05:11 AM)

I actually put "ambulance" on a couple of applications.  They failed to see the humor. 

[Arizona Hot]

If you are caught in a paradox, can you sue for malpractice?

[Renegade]

[Arizona Hot]

[mouser]

Renegade, lol that made me laugh. 

[Fred Nerd]

[IainB]

The romantic Scots: a marriage proposal.

https://www.youtube..../watch?v=dYslhL71k1M

[mouser]

Fred: 

[Arizona Hot]

Afkkhrx.gif



1 TB (1000 GB) 5th Generation iPod

Do you want one?

[IainB]

A married woman saved her lover's phone number on her mobile under the name of "Low Battery".
Whenever her lover calls her in her absence, her husband takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.
Give that woman a medal.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning the Lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's about $5 per minute.

Valentine's Day:  Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, then delete it.
It's spam.

They say that s#x is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

[MilesAhead]

A Minister a Priest and a Rabbi are in a boat fishing.  The Minister decides to stretch his legs.  He hops out of the boat, walks around it, and gets back in.  The Priest says "that's a good idea" and does the same.  The Rabbi gets out of the boat and plunges into the water over his head.  The Minister says to the Priest "do you think we should have shown him where the stepping stones are?"  The Priest has a shocked look on his face.  The Minister turns to see what he's gaping at.  Standing on the water is Jesus with a disgusted look on his face.  He says "speaking of stones, you must have a lot of stones to be telling that old joke!"

[Stoic Joker]

Data Recovery...
silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

...Not Going to Happen!  

[Renegade]

^ Data destruction that goes past 10, past 11, all the way up to 12!  

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

[Ath]

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

-Renegade (February 22, 2015, 05:20 AM)

A descent hammer will also do nicely

[4wd]

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

-Renegade (February 22, 2015, 05:20 AM)

Just DBAN them then give them to me when you come up the hills 

[Renegade]

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

-Renegade (February 22, 2015, 05:20 AM)

A descent hammer will also do nicely

-Ath (February 22, 2015, 05:27 AM)

Ain't near as fun as shootin' the b'jeez out of something~!

(Also, a lot more work.)

Come to think of it, lining up all the drives and droppin' a .30 cal machine gun on 'em would be **FUN**! There are enough of them to have a real blast!

Sigh... But I do have a hammer, and no .30 cal machine gun. Guess it'll have to be hammer time.

Just DBAN them then give them to me when you come up the hills 

-4wd (February 22, 2015, 05:42 AM)

When the Mercedes died, a friend gave us an old car that doesn't do more than 100 km at a time (without a major fight), and that really HATES hills. Even if it were worth it, there's not a hope in Hades I'd make it there. (Most are around 250~500 GB 10k RPM drives, so not really worth salvaging -- IIRC.)

You want 'em? Let me know and I'll see about wiping them. No promises though, as my technology tolerance/patience has dwindled over the years, and the hammer is sounding like the most likely solution.

[app103]

(Most are around 250~500 GB 10k RPM drives, so not really worth salvaging -- IIRC.)

-Renegade (February 22, 2015, 06:58 AM)

Much larger than the old 80G drives my father recycled by sticking them in USB enclosures, filling them with data (I am deliberately not saying what kind), and giving them as gifts. The recipients were thrilled to get them. 

[app103]

Cop: "I'm a total badass"

DogCop: "ARE YOU TAKING A PHOTO? OMG I WANNA BE IN THE PHOTO"

[mouser]

 

[Arizona Hot]

If you use a napkin on your lap, you should call it a lapkin.

Is the Taco Belle married to Taco Bill?