silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[app103]

It's a NO-FLAKE!

[app103]

Makes a great stocking stuffer? 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000QS6W0I/

[barney]

Makes a great stocking stuffer? 

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B000QS6W0I/

-app103 (December 10, 2014, 03:47 AM)

Hm-m-m-m ... thimk I'd need a stylist for proper application  .

[MilesAhead]

I used to wonder about this myself...

-40hz (December 08, 2014, 07:06 PM)

That LOTR Trilogy was by far the best treatment.  But I thought Thorondor got short shrift.  I thi k the eagles got about 13 seconds out of a 13 hour(at least it seemed that long) movie trilogy.

But I guess stuff like that happens if you go having adventures.

[MilesAhead]

It's a NO-FLAKE!

-app103 (December 09, 2014, 06:50 AM)

How 'bout just a Santa with the old red circle and slash?  I don't get to see much TV but one benefit is the lack of Santa Tracking Updates by the weather person.  

[crabby3]

This may be here already... but i think it's worth a repost   

The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!

[MilesAhead]

This may be here already... but i think it's worth a repost   

The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever!
 (see attachment in previous post)

-crabby3 (December 10, 2014, 09:41 AM)

The shirt's the right color but the pants should be green. 

[crabby3]

Christmas  Jokes

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas.

* * *
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

* * *
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small features bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You damn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said,
"See, it says right here, The three wise men came from afar."

* * *
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
 
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
 
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
 
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
 
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's glasses.
 
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
 
The man replied, "They're Carol's."

* * *
Santa Stats (US)

There are currently 78 people named S. Claus living in the U.S. -- and one Kriss Kringle.

December is the most popular month for nose jobs.

Weight of Santa's sleigh loaded with one Beanie Baby for every kid on earth: 333,333 tons.

Number of reindeer required to pull a 333,333-ton sleigh: 214,206 -- plus Rudolph.

Average wage of a mall Santa: $11 an hour.  With real beard: $20.

To deliver his gifts in one night, Santa would have to make 822.6 visits per second, sleighing at 3,000 times the speed of sound.

At that speed, Santa and his reindeer would burst into flame instantaneously.

[40hz]

 

[Arizona Hot]

Teen Tattoos McDonald's Receipt on His Arm, a Week Later Tattoos the Tattoo Receipt on His Other Arm

[Renegade]

This holiday season, please drink responsibly!

Thank you South Park guys! 

[Renegade]

It's almost Christmas, so it must be time to look at physics!

I mean this quite literally...

The first time I read this joke I nearly friggin' died. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't breathe. I was hyperventilating as I laughed and things were starting to go fuzzy. I quite literally couldn't breathe because I was laughing hysterically.

I have never laughed so much (sober) in my life.

Your mileage may vary.

http://www.daclarke....rg/Humour/santa.html

Original Title: IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?

• No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
  
  
• There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear to) handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
  
  
• Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.
  
  
• This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
  
  
• The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
  
  
• 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
  
  

In conclusion -- If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

There's more at the link.

Merry Christmas, and don't forget to torch Santa in burning effigy to remember his annual thermo-dynamic sacrifice for the children!

[4wd]

It's almost Christmas, so it must be time to look at physics!

-Renegade (December 12, 2014, 05:56 AM)

Considering I first read that almost 40 years ago, you have a lot of catching up to do 

[crabby3]

(see attachment in previous post)
Teen Tattoos McDonald's Receipt on His Arm, a Week Later Tattoos the Tattoo Receipt on His Other Arm

-Arizona Hot (December 11, 2014, 04:40 PM)

For some, peer pressure is hard to overcome but I have to agree with the last line -

Apparently "loyal" is Norweigian for "stupid."

I suppose it could have been worse; Barbie doll or jump off a building.   

[MilesAhead]

(see attachment in previous post)
Teen Tattoos McDonald's Receipt on His Arm, a Week Later Tattoos the Tattoo Receipt on His Other Arm

-Arizona Hot (December 11, 2014, 04:40 PM)

For some, peer pressure is hard to overcome but I have to agree with the last line -

Apparently "loyal" is Norweigian for "stupid."

I suppose it could have been worse; Barbie doll or jump off a building.   

-crabby3 (December 12, 2014, 08:01 AM)

In the Yakuza flicks it's typical for a gangster to have a tattoo on his back that takes up all the space from waist to shoulders.  Instead of a receipt though I'd like to see a recursive picture of the tattoo artist applying the tattoo of him/her-self applying the tattoo etc..  Like barbershop mirrors.  That would be a challenge.

[Stoic Joker]

It's almost Christmas, so it must be time to look at physics!

-Renegade (December 12, 2014, 05:56 AM)

Considering I first read that almost 40 years ago, you have a lot of catching up to do 

-4wd (December 12, 2014, 06:49 AM)

I still maintain that Santa Clause is the collective embodiment of all that is good, kind, and worth saving in the human race ... So screw the math and let it be.

[wraith808]

^ Agreed, wholeheartedly.

[Renegade]

It's almost Christmas, so it must be time to look at physics!

-Renegade (December 12, 2014, 05:56 AM)

Considering I first read that almost 40 years ago, you have a lot of catching up to do 

-4wd (December 12, 2014, 06:49 AM)

I first read it in the early 90s off of Archie or Gopher. I didn't know that it had been around that long though.

[MilesAhead]

No known species of reindeer can fly

I think there's a tendency to get sidetracked by the Clause PR machine.  Of course no being could fly around on a sleigh and physically deliver all the required gifts.  Santa really does it by magic.  When he's ready Santa takes a deep breath and bellows "Ho Ho Ho" and all the stuff is instantaneously zapped to the respective destinations.  He never even gets out of the recliner!   

[Renegade]

^ I thought that his sleigh was really just a Tardis and that he delivered presents one-by-one all at the same time.

[MilesAhead]

^ I thought that his sleigh was really just a Tardis and that he delivered presents one-by-one all at the same time.

-Renegade (December 12, 2014, 05:10 PM)

That's a good way to take early retirement.  Keep time traveling to the same time different place until there are about 1000 instances of yourself doing the job, since they will all go back to the "present" when done.  All except the original you. You go to Tahiti or wherever without anyone the wiser.

[crabby3]

[40hz]

One of my client's employees (20-something female) ran this one by me last week. Definitely NSFW, or if you're easily offended:

Giggles aside, she then showed me a very brief txt exchange she had the night before with an equally scary creep. Apparently the exchanges in the above video aren't all that uncommon.

[Arizona Hot]

The Dog Ate My Homework…Literally! And I Have Proof Of It!

[Arizona Hot]

silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

Quiz What New Year's resolution are you?

Truly a silly quiz. It said I was a get-in-shape resolution, I thought I was the be-more-productive type.