Have a suggestion?

Click here to suggest a blog item.

Newsletters Archive

Catch up with DonationCoder by browsing our past newsletters, which collect the most interesting discussions on our site: here.

Editorial Integrity

DonationCoder does not accept paid promotions. We have a strict policy of not accepting gifts of any kind in exchange for placing content in our blogs or newsletters, or on our forum. The content and recommendations you see on our site reflect our genuine personal interests and nothing more.


Latest News

July 19, 2022
Software Update

Jan 3, 2022
Event Results

May 13, 2020
Software Updates

Mar 24, 2020
Mini Newsletter

Dec 30, 2019
Software Updates

Jan 22, 2020
Software Updates

Jan 12, 2020
Newsletter

Jan 3, 2020
Event Results

Jan 2, 2020
Software Updates

Dec 30, 2019
Software Updates

April 27, 2019
Software Updates

Feb 26, 2019
Software Updates

Feb 23, 2019
Software Updates

Feb 14, 2019
Software Updates

Jan 6, 2019
Event Results

Dec 2, 2018
Software Updates

Nov 13, 2018
Software Releases

July 30, 2018
Software Updates

June 24, 2018
Software Updates

June 6, 2018
Software Updates

Apr 2, 2018
Fundraiser Celebration

Apr 2, 2018
Software Updates

Feb 24, 2018
Software Updates

Jan 14, 2018
Major Site News

Jan 10, 2018
Event Results

Latest Forum Posts

The Form Letter Machine
The form letter machine is EXACTLY what I needed and I've spent hours now making a very complex tree that will serve my purposes very well.. By the way, your [demo] "movie" provided several minutes of good entertainment for my two kids--they thought it was a hoot. They're nerds in the making, I guess :)
K.E..
K.E.. image

Our daily Blog

This page spotlights the most interesting posts collected from our forum every day.

You are viewing a specific blog item. Click here to return to the main blog page.

What books are you reading? - Relationship book recommendations

Ok here is a summary of some of the best (partner/marriage) relationship books I have been reading lately:



If I had to pick only one general best one, it would be "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman.  This is a book by someone who has studied relationships academically, and he has written many books on the subject.  His observations and advice are not groundbreaking, but they are useful, and have been well developed and honed.  His main hook is the idea of "bids" -- small mundane interactions where one person is making a bid for their partner's attention -- and the reactions to such bids, and how improving how you react to such bids can yield large improvements.

sevenprinciples.jpg



And if you are interested in relationships that extend beyond your partner -- to relatives and even work, he applies the same concepts in another book that also covers partner relationships but others as well, called "The Relationship Cure".  There's a lot of overlap so I wouldn't recommend you get both.

relationshipcure.jpg



One of the major insights I got in reading these books is how large a role the differences between introverts and extroverts can play in a relationships.. I found the following book very helpful, and would highly recommend it to anyone in a relationship where one person is an introvert and the other is an extrovert:  "The Introvert and Extrovert In Love by Marti Laney  and Michael Laney".  I think it will help each person see their partner in a new more positive light.

introvert.jpg



As one might predict, some relationship self-help books seem to sometimes be directed at an audience of people who might be said to have unusually difficult times in relationships, or who have major issues that they feel they need to overcome.  While I don't find myself in this category, one interesting book for those who think that their are childhood issues getting in the way of them having healthy relationships was "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples by Harville Hendrix". There is plenty of advice and insights that would apply to all relationships, but there is also quite a bit of a focus on repairing childhood issues that may have been caused by parents.  I'm not sure I agree with some of his theories but there were some thought provoking ideas.

gettinglove.jpg



If you have an appreciation for buddhist/zen approaches, as I do, another book that I quite liked was "How to Be an Adult in Relationships: The Five Keys to Mindful Loving by David Richo".  I would say, like the Hendrix book above, this one has more of a focus on people who may have deeper issues to resolve, but it is unique in the books I've read in combining practical advice and insight, with a constant thread of being mindful (aware of, non-judgemental, acknowledging but not struggling against) about the world around you and your fears and issues.

adult.jpg



If you're more interested in the sexual/romantic side of relationship building and relationship struggles, a book I found quite thought provoking was "Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel".  Esther Perel is a couple's therapist. This is a slightly unconventional book with a distinct theory and approach.  I guess the best shorthand explanation for the author's theory is that couples need to pro-actively create a kind of healthy tension in their sexual relationship, being careful not to let loving/comforting/nurturing attitudes interfere with it.  So she stresses the importance of independence,which isn't too controversial, but also suggests value in not taking for granted that your partner will always be around and will never leave you.  There is also some insightful discussion about cultural effects on sexual taboos, and why people have certain sexual preferences and the healthiness of play and fantasy.

mating.jpg



Another book that I find quite illuminating was recommended to me by a donationcoder member who shall remain anonymous: "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov".  This is a very narrowly focused book by an academic, on a particularly intense phenomena of falling madly in love, that seems to only effect a minority of the population.  The author describes the emotional state of limerance as a very intense desire for someone (often someone who the subject does not know well), with intrusive thoughts and preoccupation, that can generate a richly satisfying and addictive kind of attachment.  And the attachment and feeling of love and need is typically heightened by the unavailability of the object of one's affections.  I'm probably not doing it justice here, but the bottom line is that if these kinds of feelings resonate with you and describe the kinds of experiences you have had falling madly in love with someone you barely know, you may find this book a revelation and incredibly helpful.  It may also help you put things in perspective and snap out of a silly fixation on someone who, by their very nature, is not going to be good for you.

limerence.jpg



Here's an early good book I read that I forgot to add to my initial write up.  "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" by Gary Chapman.  This one seems to have really hit home with people and has spun off a few additional related books.  The take home theory of this book is that different people (and very often men and women) may have different ways that they need to hear that they are loved. Different things that affect them most strongly.  For some people it's touch, for some people it's shared activities, etc.  And that people tend to think that the way *they* want to have love expressed to them is *not* the same as the way their partner needs to hear it.  So that it's important to figure out how your partner needs to feel loved in ways that are different from the way you need to.  Pretty cool.

langauges.jpg



Some final closing thoughts on relationship books is that just the act of reading and discussing these with your significant other seems like it is such a good healthy thing, and taking an active interest in improving your relationship skills seems like something we could all benefit from -- it's something I wish I had been encouraged to examine earlier in my life.

In general, all of these books are way too bloated with the same information repeated over and over again...  All of them could have half of their pages removed without losing anything.  And I think you could probably get 90% of the benefits by reading any random relationship book -- the overlap in the ideas is substantial..  So the bottom like is just: Care enough about your relationships to read about the subject!  Even for people who have a great relationship, I think seeing something written down that confirms things you already know and do will be useful.



Anyone else have relationship book recommendations?

Read more and discuss..



Share on Facebook