Help with Proofing?

[Renegade]

Wraith808 posted a request for help proofing and editing a story here:

https://www.donation...ex.php?topic=35897.0

kyrathaba has a thread on a novel he wrote here:

https://www.donation...ex.php?topic=35166.0

Gotta admit... A lot of respect and admiration there. And MOTIVATION/INSPIRATION!


So... I have a request for anyone that is interested.

Please proof/edit/critique the first draft of a very short story I've written here:

http://cynic.me/An-E...e-for-the-Unseen.zip

The ZIP file is password protected. The password is:

Renegade

(That's only to protect it from being indexed/read by bots.)

It's a total of 3,337 words in a single chapter.

If possible, please use the track changes feature in Word for any edits, and the "New Comment" feature for comments/critiques/etc.

I'll put some info in spoilers in case anyone wants to read blind. The spoilers have no major information to reveal anything in the story so as to not ruin things for anyone.

Genre

Sci-fi/supernatural/horror

If you read "Genre", this is what it is NOT

No gore.
No sex.
No violence.

Language - profanity/obscenity

I use profanity in the story, though not excessively. There is no explicit language other than a few uses of the F word and anagrams of "this". You'll likely hear worse on the TV or at work.

What I wanted to portray - abstract - no spoilers

I wanted to blend science fiction and horror together with a spiritual aspect, and hence, the supernatural.

I tried to blend science with the supernatural in a "scientific" way.

I also wanted to portray a bit of tension between friends. Nothing extreme. Just some disagreement.

There are some other things in there that I wanted to do, but I'd rather leave them for you to read and discover.

Voice - technical point

I flopped around for a long time before starting it, but settled on the third person limited omniscience voice weighted towards the main character.

Originally I wanted to do this in the first person, but flopped over.

Thank you in advance for any feedback.


EDIT:

Ooops... forgot. Please email any files to ryan at renegademinds dot com. Thanks.

[Contro]

 

I came here to ask for help and see your post.
I will try

Learn English ? Wonderful . Downloading !!!!!!!!

[Renegade]

I came here to ask for help and see your post.
I will try

Learn English ? Wonderful . Downloading !!!!!!!!

-Contro (September 12, 2013, 11:18 AM)

If English isn't your first language, don't worry. Just focus on the story/plot/whatever. (But don't focus on grammar. )

[TaoPhoenix]

Heh Renny password protected zip file is a bit overkill!

Why bother? The NSA read it already! They think you need better temporal exposition to set the scene. Joe told me so!

[Renegade]

Heh Renny password protected zip file is a bit overkill!

Why bother? The NSA read it already! They think you need better temporal exposition to set the scene. Joe told me so!

-TaoPhoenix (September 12, 2013, 11:56 AM)

I'm not worried about them. It's only to prevent bots from indexing the file. Kind of like a different version of the robots.txt file.

But yeah... That's still depressing.

So just read it and plaster me then!

[wraith808]

Of course!

[Renegade]

Of course!

-wraith808 (September 12, 2013, 12:16 PM)

THANK YOU! 

[Contro]

Stephen and Jason , two old friends, meets after 18 months. In a lovely day with their families to talk about while drinking. But one of them seems to have an infinite imagination and a sobrenatural story to tell the other.

A wonderful story where the natural exists between two friends departing in a lovely day and finally encounters another true - a supernatural true-  and Stephen began to cry

[4wd]

Feedback sent

[Contro]

Feedback sent

-4wd (September 13, 2013, 07:59 AM)

Owww I had to sent the feedback in a private message ?
Must i do something else ?
 

[Renegade]

Thank you!

I've updated the file with revisions. (Nothing major so far, so if you have the previous version, that's perfectly fine.)

[Renegade]

Owww I had to sent the feedback in a private message ?
Must i do something else ?

-Contro (September 13, 2013, 08:50 AM)

Send it by email to the address I listed above in the original post. I don't think you can send files by PM. (Thanks!)

[Contro]

 
What file i have to send ?
What file sent you 4wd ?¿?¿?¿
A corrected text ? But the text is wonderful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coloquial language. I have to see several phrases in the translator.
I think only 4wd or any other clever native can give you in deepness details of the text. 
I even have to see for DD significance. First I suppose to be Big Breasts, but finally assumed Design Driver.
 
 

[Renegade]

What file i have to send ?
What file sent you 4wd ?¿?¿?¿
A corrected text ? But the text is wonderful !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Coloquial language. I have to see several phrases in the translator.
I think only 4wd or any other clever native can give you in deepness details of the text. 
I even have to see for DD significance. First I suppose to be Big Breasts, but finally assumed Design Driver.
 
 

-Contro (September 13, 2013, 09:05 AM)

Hahaha!

4wd pointed out some minor errors/typos. Don't worry about those. Proofing your own work is a really bad idea. (I'll actually proof it for grammar/spelling later, but I need to let it "rest" for a bit for that.)

Don't worry about the specific language used. A critique on parts of the story/plot would be great.

[Contro]

It's a short story in my opinion. 
But You give the two signal points : the antenna and the eye patch. So when He takes off the patch..... Natural ..... Or naturally hypernatural. The antenna receives the signal. Rather is a scientific story and you, that likes and understand mobiles, knows than in a few years the soldiers will have implants.