20 jokes that might take a while to understand:
1. 16 Sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
2. An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.
The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
3. A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"
The woman says "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce. It's worth about $250,000."
The banker, stunned, asks "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really? Are you sure you want to do that?"
The woman says she is quite sure. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials; make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park the car in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"
The woman replies "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
4. An infinite number of Mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer and so on. After the 7th order the bartender pours 2 beers and says, "You fellas ought to know your limits."
5. What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
6. How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
7. Oscar Wilde is at a public meeting where the audience are quizzing him on certain topics. Mr Wilde is answering questions to and fro when one audience member asks if he can ask about any topic he wants. Wilde replies that he can indeed, as, being the master of conversation which he is, he may talk about any subject known to man. Suggestions once again are being tossed at Wilde, when the same man demands that he speak for as long as he can about the queen.
Wilde takes a deep breath, pauses a moment, shrugs and replies. "I'm terribly sorry my good fellow, but the queen as you know is not a subject."
8. A patient asks his doctor "What kind of work do you do?" The doctor replies "Oh, I work with kidneys." The patient responds "So do you work in nephrology or pediatric orthopedics?"
9. The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.
10. A banker, a politician and a teacher are having lunch. The waiter brings over 100 after dinner cookies. The banker immediately eats one of the cookies, stuffing 98 more of them in every available pocket of his clothing, comically bulging and overflowing, and likely inedible. The politician and the teacher eye each other over the last cookie. The banker pushes some crumbs over to the politician, leans over, and says "If you can get me that cookie, there's more where that came from."
11. What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow?
A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.
12. I invented a new word today. "Plagiarism."
13. Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
14. I tried walking up a hill without a watch but had neither the time nor the inclination.
15. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.
"In English" he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
16. Know why Polish airlines only fill half of an airplane for each flight?
Poles on the right half of the plane are unstable.
17. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
18. Heisenberg and Schrodinger are speeding down the highway when a state cop pulls them over. The cop walks up to the window and asks Heisenberg, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but I knew where I was."
Thinking this answer is a little strange; the cop decides to investigate the vehicle. He begins by opening the trunk. Shocked by what he finds, he shouts, "You have a dead cat in here!"
Schrodinger answers, "Well, I do now!"
19. There's a fine line between numerator and denominator.
20. Today, I saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down a wall. He turned and sneered at me and I said to myself, "That's a little condescending".
