sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not
definite issues, just questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)
Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things that are to stay
just between us.'
Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as
almost opposites: panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.
Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth." I think the first sentence feels
unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles, it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'
Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation), and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?
Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your
Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had to look them up (thank you
) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific research itself was not the main goal of the mission."
WikipediaPage 15.22
"
These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the robots are not monitoring any others??
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes
terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word
Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours.'
Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we
were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??
"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced
, without any exceptions
, would be a significant step toward detection.'
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids
is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?
"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through."
'They could be modified to weigh each individual as he, she
or it passes through.'
Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders his statement...
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?
Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's
almost standing (perched on the desk)?
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "
A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more
international date format
Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?
Page 17.16 "set in the
mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?
Page 17.22 "His voiced rationale hadn’t yet seemed to make much headway" maybe: 'His voiced rationale hadn’t made much headway yet, it seemed,'
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality
