silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[Renegade]

^^  Poor fly!

[IainB]

Student Who Won’t Stop Nodding His Head Isn’t Following a Word
In news that some classmates say comes as no surprise, that guy sitting in the front row of Philosophy 302 who nods knowingly after almost every sentence spoken by the professor has absolutely no clue what’s going on in the class.

“At first I thought he was a genius,” said classmate Elena Rotova, “but gradually it became clear that he would just nod at everything.”

In an interview with The Faster Times, that guy, who has also been known to chuckle audibly whenever the professor makes a vaguely humorous remark and also to take notes constantly, acknowledged that he didn’t have the slightest fucking clue as to what the professor was talking about. “Most of the time, I’m just stoned off my ass,” said that guy.

[app103]

We don't need gun control, we just need to get rid of IE.

[Stoic Joker]

  Precisely why I maintain that statistics are BS because you can easily twist them to prove anything with anything.

[Target]

Precisely why I maintain that statistics are BS because you can easily twist them to prove anything with anything.

-Stoic Joker (January 20, 2013, 01:37 PM)

87% of all statistics are made up anyway...

[app103]

Precisely why I maintain that statistics are BS because you can easily twist them to prove anything with anything.

-Stoic Joker (January 20, 2013, 01:37 PM)

87% of all statistics are made up anyway...

-Target (January 20, 2013, 05:07 PM)

^^ including that one. 

[rgdot]

72% of people agree that 87% of all statistics are made up.

[IainB]

I always enjoy jokes about the use/misuse of statistics and numbers.
@app103's "Internet Explorer v Murder Rate" is just another amusing example of the classic stochastic fallacy that "Correlation equates to causation" (it does not), used by so many, both wittingly and unwittingly. You can probably do the same sort of thing with (say) the import of bananas and the murder rate, or even (say) HJ Eysenck's contentious analysis of correlation between IQ and race in the US population.

The:

• "87% of all statistics are made up" or "42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot",
• "72% of people agree that 87% of all statistics are made up",
• "97% of scientists agree that 99.9% of the statistics made-up by scientists are credible".
• "I'm 99.9% certain, but that 0.1% can get you every time."

- belong to a group of old jokes poking fun at the deliberate/irrational misuse of statistics to "prove" an invalid argument/theory, over the years.

Other jokes/silliness:

• My personal favourite is the report that: "According to the UK Department of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10."
• In New Zealand, it is legal to label a food product with the declaration that it is "97% fat-free". (Not a joke.)
• "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends.  If they're okay, then it's you." - Rita Mae Brown.
• Remember:  Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.  Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

[IainB]

A really smart man.
I was driving to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.  This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman 'the bird'.
"Man, that guy is stupid." I thought to myself.

I *always* smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work, that's 96 miles each day.  Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.  Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway, so if you just look at the 7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.  That's 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.  That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.  Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars.  That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.  Statistically, half of these are driven by females, that's 18,000.

In any given group of females 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period.  That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.  That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.  That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.  That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

Piss one off?  I think not.

[IainB]

Efficiency improvement.
This story gives an example of the difference that consultants can make to an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant .  After a while, we noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.  It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.  However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.  Then I looked around the room and saw that all the male staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked him, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting as efficiency experts, to revamp all our processes.  After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.  This represented a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.  If our waiters were prepared to deal with that contingency, we could reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift and give a faster response time to customers."

As luck would have it, I accidentally knocked my spoon off the table, and he was able to replace it immediately with his spare spoon.

"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." he said.

I was rather impressed.

Later I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.  Looking around, I noticed that all the male waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me, and next time he came to our table I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.  "Not everyone is as observant as you.  That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we men can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"But, after you get it out, how do you put it back?", I enquired.

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

[IainB]

New terrorist group at Large in USA.
At the New York airport, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set-square and a calculator.  The police believe the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement.  He is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-gebra is a very fearsome cult, indeed.  They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off at a tangent in search of absolute value.  They consist of quite shadowy figures, with names like "x" and "y", and, although they are frequently referred to as "unknowns", we know they really belong to a common denominator and are part of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country.

The great Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle.". However, if Providence intended us to have better weapons of math instruction, we would have been given more fingers and toes. Therefore, it is fortunate that the US government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are so willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard - these statistic bastards love to inflict plane on sphere of influence.

Under the circumferences, it is time we differentiated their root, made our point, and drew the line.  These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimalize everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher power and begin to factor-in random facts or vertex.

As the President might say "Read my ellipse. Though they would continue to multiply, their days are numbered and the hypotenuse will tighten around their necks."

[IainB]

Statistics on 4WD accidents.
Over the last five years the N.T.S.B.  has been covertly funding a project with U.S.  auto-makers whereby the auto-makers have been installing "black boxes" in all four wheel drive pick up trucks they have manufactured.  This was to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised that in 42 of the 50 states, the last words of the drivers in 61.2% of the fatal crashes were, "Oh sh#t!"

Only the states of Arkansas, West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3% of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this."

[KynloStephen66515]

Damnit IainB, stop changing the topic in your replies...it makes me think there's fresh content on the forum lol

[IainB]

@Stephen66515: That was the idea!    ;-)

People would read it, initially thinking it to be serious...
It's a a sorta joke in camouflage.
I shall stop doing it now, if it confuzzles.    

[IainB]

In the book The Penguin Dictionary of Curious and Interesting Numbers, by David Wells, pub. 1986, there are notes about many different numbers, starting with -1 and i (negative and complex numbers) and working up, but there is an especially interesting note about the number 39:

This appears to be the first uninteresting number, which of course makes it an especially interesting number, because it is the smallest number to have the property of being uninteresting.
It is therefore also the first number to be simultaneously interesting and uninteresting.

[KynloStephen66515]

@Stephen66515: That was the idea!    ;-)

People would read it, initially thinking it to be serious...
It's a a sorta joke in camouflage.
I shall stop doing it now, if it confuzzles.   

-IainB (January 20, 2013, 07:22 PM)

Haha, I get all my forum updates from MouserBot on the IRC Channel, so it just looks like new posts...generally I don't look at the author, I just see a new topic, and go check if its spam haha

[Renegade]

@Iain - Those were good! The math one was particularly clever!

[IainB]

@Renegade: Glad you liked them. Collecting jokes has been a hobby of mine since age 10.
I have over 2,000 jokes in my InfoSelect database collection, which includes only some of the hundreds stored in my head. The database gets added to periodically as I sweep up the jokes people send me, or if I come across a new one whilst browsing the Internet. If I find what looks like a new one, I first check to see if I already have it in the database - most times I already have it.
I don't blindly save in my database every joke I come across, but only the ones that make me smile or laugh, and that aren't too cruel to the butt of the joke, and that aren't too extreme (e.g. racism, sexism).

[IainB]

Mate round for dinner.
A man gets home from work late and tells his wife he's invited his mate back home for dinner.
The wife screams at him "You've done what!? I've not done my hair, not done my makeup, not done any housework, not done the dishes and can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

Husband: "Cos he's thinking of getting married."

[Giampy]

I always enjoy jokes about the use/misuse of statistics and numbers

-IainB (January 20, 2013, 07:01 PM)

35% of car accidents are caused by drunken people.
It means that 65% of car accidents are caused by sober people.
Therefore, in the name of safety, drive when you are drunken.

[Renegade]

No idea if this is right, but it very well could be:

http://www.all4humor...sane-statistics.html

This is funny and sad at the same time…can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at lease 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on deregulated charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? ... Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

[Arizona Hot]

Haha, I get all my forum updates from MouserBot on the IRC Channel, so it just looks like new posts...generally I don't look at the author, I just see a new topic, and go check if its spam haha
[/quote]

Does this mean that Mouser is a robot or that he has a robot? If the second, it would be a great help around the house(unless it revolted and got rid of Mouser). How could we tell if that happened?

[Arizona Hot]

If AIs keep getting smarter, there will come a time when beside "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog" nobody will know if you're analog or digital.

[Tinman57]

No idea if this is right, but it very well could be:

http://www.all4humor...sane-statistics.html

This is funny and sad at the same time…can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at lease 2 businesses
3 have done time for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on deregulated charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is? ... Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

-Renegade (January 21, 2013, 08:15 AM)

TRUTH!  http://www.truthorfi...ssionalcriminals.htm

[Renegade]

This is funny...

http://www.telegraph...he-Lightning-II.html

The "F-35 Lightning" (that's the name), at GBP 150 million per plane, cannot fly in lightning or storms.

How to defeat it? Outfit some Cessnas from farmers for cloud seeding~!

Figure around GBP 200,000 or so per aircraft, then throw in a generous 100k for outfitting it and for silveriodide... GBP 300,000... Hmmm... so, for the price of 1 F-35, you can easily get a fleet of 500 aircraft to defeat it. And never fire a shot~!