Moronic would-be scammers

[cranioscopical]

I had one of those phone calls today from an "IT company" whose representative was most concerned about the virus that must be on my computer. Would I go to my computer so that he could help me?

I'm fed up with these jerks so,

Me:  "Oh no! Really, a problem with my computer?
          I'll fire it up right away so that you can help me"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "It's in another room, so hold on and I'll go there"
set down speaker phone, launch pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "I'm on my way, I don't move very quickly"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "I'm at my computer, I'll start it up"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "It won't start, must be a virus, thank goodness you called"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "It still won't start, I'm working on it"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "What should I do, I'm still trying to start it?"
He:    "Take your time, sir "
Me:    "Okay"
set down speaker phone, resume pinball game... 5 minutes elapse
He:    "Sir, are you there sir?"
Me:    "Yes, I've found the virus!"
He:    "What do you mean?"
He:    "You are the virus. Now piss off and stop wasting my time and yours!"
hang up speaker phone, achieve high score in pinball game

Sigh...

[rjbull]

I've seen a report of this kind of scam in the UK's Which? (Consumer Association) magazine computing section.  The scammers want to install remote control software so that they can show you fake malware, or even install real malware, and charge you for "removing" it.  There have even been cases where they refused to give you back control of your PC until you paid them.  IIRC, the average cost to unaware users was of the order of £500.

[rgdot]

Get those calls here in Canada too, funniest part is the first line they use already means they must be up to no good.

"We have been getting reports that your computer..."

Reports, eh? May be they are RIAA lawyers 

[PhilB66]

@rjbull

That's called ransomware.

[mahesh2k]

That is quite common among insurance agents call too. Some are packing health insurance with credit card deals or bank account combo pack. In today's world of uncertain life, what is the point of health insurance that is sold with card which ultimately expires in just one year?

[4wd]

In today's world of uncertain life, what is the point of health insurance that is sold with card which ultimately expires in just one year?

Still, it might last longer than the life insured....

[nosh]

Haha! I play games with telemarketers (and miscellaneous scum) all the time.  

He:    "You are the virus. Now piss off and stop wasting my time and yours!"
hang up speaker phone, achieve high score in pinball game

Bad place for a typo.

Related: http://soundcloud.com/kate-russell/phone-scammer-busted
(I think she was a bit too nice to him.)

[app103]

I had one of those phone scammers call me a few months ago. I really wanted to mess with him but the conversation went something like this, because I became annoyed by his thick, difficult to understand accent:

him: Hi, this is Bob* from Microsoft. We have been getting reports that you have a [garbled] on your computer.
me: A what?
him: a [garbled]
me: Can you repeat that again please?
him: You have a [garbled] on your computer.
me: Perhaps you can get someone at your company that can speak English that I can understand?
him: If you could just go to your computer...
me: If you could just call me back when you can speak proper English... [click]

_{*I don't remember if his name was actually Bob or not. I am just using that for lack of a better substitute. No offense intended to any real Bobs out there.}

[cranioscopical]

Hi,

Haha! I play games with telemarketers (and miscellaneous scum) all the time.  

He:    "You are the virus. Now piss off and stop wasting my time and yours!"
hang up speaker phone, achieve high score in pinball game

Bad place for a typo.

Do you mean "He:" instead of "Him:"?  That was deliberate, "Mim:" didn't quite cut it

[rjbull]

me: If you could just call me back when you can speak proper English... [click]

[rjbull]

I had one of those phone calls today

I've had one "good" phone call this week, but five scam/spam calls, and it's only Tuesday.  Caller Line ID shows their number, so if it's hidden, or foreign, or "out of area," or something I just don't recognise, I ignore it and let the answering machine kick in.  Most scammers are now efficient at aborting at that point, but a worthless ring is disruptive and wastes my time.  I keep wondering about installing a hardware call-screening system like trueCall.  I once saw a favourable review of it in the UK's Computer Shopper magazine.  Their review of trueCall is here.

[Tuxman]

Good thing calls like that are actually crimes here in Germany.

[cranioscopical]

if it's hidden, or foreign, or "out of area," or something I just don't recognise, I ignore it and let the answering machine kick in

No wonder I can never get through to you!

[rjbull]

if it's hidden, or foreign, or "out of area," or something I just don't recognise, I ignore it and let the answering machine kick in

No wonder I can never get through to you!

Maybe my skull is too thick even for a cranioscope 

[rjbull]

Good thing calls like that are actually crimes here in Germany.

Plenty of the scam calls we get in the UK are from overseas.  It's hard for a national jurisdiction to cope with that.  Even if they could be traced, they couldn't be prosecuted locally.

[Carol Haynes]

Happening a lot in the UK - I was actually fixing one persons computer when a call came in -- they passed the phone to me 

Commonly they actually either say they are Microsoft or else they say they are partners of Microsoft.

Another common trait (in the UK anyway) is very English names but very un-English accents. They have even been known to give out contact telephone numbers and the most common remote software they use is TeamViewer.

I have written a number of articles in local magazines and newsletters warning people and got some really good feedback which is why I know just how common this sort of thing is. Inevitably though some people are taken in (some of them I would expect to have a lot more common sense!).