silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[kyrathaba]

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus
is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat
of Guinness Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Did he at least go quickly?"

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact,
he got out three times to pee."

[kyrathaba]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after
his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[kyrathaba]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church,
enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin,
there's no paper on this side either!"

[IainB]

Illuminated script.
A new monk arrived at a monastery.  He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old illuminated texts by hand.  He noticed however, that they were copying from copies, and not the original manuscripts held in the scriptorium.  So he went to Father Florian (the Armarius of the Scriptorium) to ask him about this.  He pointed out that if there was an error in the first copy, then that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

Father Florian said, "The monks of this monastery have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son. I shall check on this right now."

So saying, Father Florian went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.  Hours went by and nobody saw him come back up.  Eventually, one of the monks went downstairs to look for him.  He heard sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and found the old monk leaning on a table, on which were open the copy and the original manuscript.  The old man was crying.

The monk said to Father Florian, "What's wrong father?"

The old monk replied in a choked voice, "The word is 'celebrate'! "

[TaoPhoenix]

...
The old monk replied in a choked voice, "The word is 'celebrate'! "

-IainB (May 06, 2013, 08:52 AM)

That's a good joke Iain. The even better part is it's somewhat true!

http://www.revelife....tery-bible-misprint/

"A 1631 King James Bible, known as the "Wicked Bible," is on display through Sept. 6 at the Hardin Center as a special limited addition to the exhibit "Ink & Blood: Dead Sea Scrolls to Gutenberg." Meant to be a reprint of the King James Bible, the Wicked Bible contains an error in Exodus 20:14, where the Seventh Commandment reads, "Thou shalt commit adultery." The printers, Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, are said to have been fined 300 pounds for the offense, a huge sum at that time, and had their printers' license revoked. Many believe that the error was deliberate on the part of a typesetter to discredit the printer. A thousand "Wicked Bibles" were printed, but King Charles I ordered them to be destroyed, making the "Wicked Bible" one of the rarest English Bibles in history. It is believed that only 11 of the original 1,000 have survived. The remaining "Wicked Bibles" are very seldom on public display; the one in the rare books collection of the New York Public Library is almost never made accessible to the public."

From another article:
http://www.wisegeek....the-wicked-bible.htm

"The Wicked Bible also contains a second lesser-known error in the book of Deuteronomy. Instead of translating one passage as the Lord showing his "glory and greatness," the verse actually suggests the Lord showed His glory and "great arse." Had this second, and in some ways even more egregious, typographical error been discovered in time, Barker and Lucas may have been forced to pay a much higher price for their unfortunate errors."

I just moved to NYC, so now it's almost a Holy Grail! Indiana Jones and Monty Python, here we come!

[TaoPhoenix]

Funny picture:

http://www.triggeran...e/nys-disgruntledest

[TaoPhoenix]

VERY silly joke!

Did you hear about the biography of Yakov Smirnoff? You don't read it, it reads you!

[IainB]

^^ I didn't get the joke until I googled "Yakov Smirnoff".
Never heard of him before. He's very clever/funny.

e.g., from: Wikiepedia Yakov Smirnoff

Russian reversal
Russian reversal or "In Soviet Russia" is a type of joke originated by Smirnoff, and is an example of antimetabole.[5] The general form of the "In Soviet Russia" joke is that the subject and object of a statement are reversed, and "In (Soviet) Russia," or something equivalent, is added, and the verb is often left unconjugated and articles are omitted, mimicking perceived Russian-accented speech. The original was:

    In America, you can always find a party.
    In Soviet Russia, Party always find you!

Other examples include:

    In America, you break law.
    In Soviet Russia, law breaks you!

    In America, your work determines your marks.
    In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

    In America, you assassinate presidents.
    In Soviet Russia, presidents assassinate you!

    In America, you watch Big Brother.
    In Soviet Russia, Big Brother watches you!

Smirnoff's use of English allowed him to smooth over grammar differences in transitioning from the setup to the punchline. For example, he omits the articles "a" and "the" (which the Russian language doesn't have) in the first reversal joke above, to better preserve the congruence. Also, verbs are often left unconjugated, such as in the joke "In America, you listen to man on radio. In Soviet Russia, man on radio listen to you!"

In 1985, Smirnoff appeared on a Miller Lite commercial featuring Russian reversal jokes.[6]

    In America, there's plenty of light beer and you always find a party. In Russia, Party will always find you.

See also: Transpositional pun

[TaoPhoenix]

^^ I didn't get the joke until I googled "Yakov Smirnoff".
Never heard of him before. He's very clever/funny.

-IainB (May 06, 2013, 10:58 PM)

Yeah, though you just told me you're not a veteran of the site Slashdot, where that's been one of their top-25 "inside jokes" for over a decade!!

[Arizona Hot]

silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

Maybe it has negative calories like celery.

[app103]

(see attachment in previous post)
Maybe it has negative calories like celery.

-Arizona Hot (May 07, 2013, 08:04 AM)

I wonder if it's compatible with this:



As it turns out, this is a real product, and the company that makes it has some suggested uses for it:

• Dry Martinis-Manhattans
• Watering Cactus
• VW Bug Anti-Freeze
• Dry Cleaning
• Humidifying Saunas
• Filling Dry Docks
• Dry Mopping Floors
• In Dry Sinks
• Dry Shampoos
• In Dry-Cell Batteries
• Dampening Dry Humor
• Making Dry Ice

[TaoPhoenix]

Heh App I'm dying to know what is in fact in there!!

It's an amusingly-scary exercise in labeling - if there is anything to pour at all, what is it?


P.S. Hat Tip to anyone who has heard the Stephen Wright version!

[app103]

Heh App I'm dying to know what is in fact in there!!

It's an amusingly-scary exercise in labeling - if there is anything to pour at all, what is it?


P.S. Hat Tip to anyone who has heard the Stephen Wright version!

-TaoPhoenix (May 07, 2013, 09:15 AM)

It's an empty can, and the only gag gift the company sells. And this article about it has some other goodies related to the "product"

(Stephen Wright's "spot remover" was a more effective product.  )

[TaoPhoenix]

Based on the Adobe thread, but belonging here:

We should hack one of the Space Invader type games to label the "descenders" as "Adobe Customers"! Then you can play to see how many customers Adobe can tick off! Maybe you can have Add-Ons like Space Invaders used to do across the sky!
 

[Deozaan]

Miranda Sings - Les Mis re-enactment.

[Tinman57]

Les Mis re-enactment.

-Deozaan (May 07, 2013, 11:41 AM)

  Well that was bloody aweful.....  How many of you made it past the first 45 seconds?  

[Deozaan]

I think the humor is that it is intentionally awful. I hope it was intentional anyway. . .

[Ath]

Ah, like this picture I found, and expresses how I feel sometimes:

[Arizona Hot]

(see attachment in previous post)
Maybe it has negative calories like celery.

-Arizona Hot (May 07, 2013, 08:04 AM)

Very dry humor ! 

[app103]

Straight from the Originality department....



It's like Pinterest, but targeted specifically towards men. Instead of "pinning" things, you "nail" your "manly things" to a "workbench."

Yes, I know...it sound painful. 

http://manteresting.com/

[IainB]

Cry-baby.
Kylie Minogue, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking over a bridge.

Kylie trips, and gets her head jammed between the railings.
 
Without a sideways glance, Robbie pulls aside her G-String, and bonks her senseless!

He stands back and tells Elton, "Your turn!"

Elton bursts into tears.

"What's up?" asks Robbie.

Elton sobs, "My head won't fit through the railings!"

[IainB]

Psychology 101 - Group behaviour.
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ...  all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water.  Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.  To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him.
After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked.  The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment......  with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth.  Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs.  Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask?  Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how bureaucracy operates...  and this is why, from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

[kyrathaba]

Good one, Iain!

[kyrathaba]

I have to share something with you all that happened to me this
evening...guy to guy.

So I arrive home this evening. I park in the garage, get out of the car,
walk around the back of the car and notice that a squirrel is hanging upside
down from the bird feeder. This is not unusual, and like many other folks it
drives me crazy to see them hoarding the bird's food, so I give the squirrel
my usual "Hi-yah! Git outta there!".

To my surprise, the squirrel shows no reaction to my warning. So now I'm a
little annoyed that he should be so bold as to just ignore me, and I let out
what I would describe as my best rabid cougar imitation (I don't know how to
spell it but, if you ask, I'll let you hear it sometime). Again, the
squirrel shows no reaction - so I approach the courageous varmint with
purpose (but also with some caution).

He hangs there as I approach; he doesn't even MOVE!  Then I see that he is
clearly stuck or caught, and could not run away even if he wanted to.  It
was also clear, that he was dead.

Though the exact cause of death has not been formally determined, I am quite
sure that death came as a relief to this poor guy.

There is something about being male that I think bonds us all together. That
is, as males, regardless of species, I think when you see the attached (or
below) picture(s) you'll have the same reaction I did...

ouch.

silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]

[MerleOne]

It seems you got it by the balls.... Poor guy.