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Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Last post by kyrathaba on June 23, 2013, 06:58 PM »^ updated last passage above. See what you think.
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You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?
I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.
I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and
I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?
not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld
Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.
OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure
what it's called? Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?
Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly
explaining why?
This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure
if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression
that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild
look on his face, "Hush! ...'
I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously
Quick minor question: is there any significance to the fact Byron is wearing red neoprene coveralls in the prolog?
sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not definite issues, just
questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)
Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things
that are to stay just between us.'
Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as almost opposites:
panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.
Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off
our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate
Earth." I think the first sentence feels unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced
enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles,
it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'
Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them
to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation),
and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill
and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?
Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to
contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our
experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had
to look them up (thank you smiley ) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific
research itself was not the main goal of the mission." Wikipedia
Page 15.22
"These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the
robots are not monitoring any others??
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion.
These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by
the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic
compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease
to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word Sad
Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a
long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I
would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had
choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and
research of the past few hours.'
Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??
"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced
without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups
are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced, without any exceptions, would be a
significant step toward detection.'
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?
"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through." Wink 'They could be modified to
weigh each individual as he, she or it passes through.'
Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's
advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders
his statement...
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical
parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting
systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?
Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that
sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format
smiley Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared
Wink
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and
transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho'
maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the
overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?
Page 17.16 "set in the mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near
future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our
former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access
points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our
consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most
obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality Wink
Always did prefer International Date Format, (YYYY/MM/DD).
I think the generic 'waste', (rock waste, waste material), might be more suitable, overburden is what is on top of
something you specifically want to get to.
I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."
Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the
Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'
Chapter 10
Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that
together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?
Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by
modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called
'modern'?
Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly'
or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?
Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are
sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'
Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over
stated?
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this
twice.
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been
eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?
Page 20.8 "“Today’s my birthday,” she sudden volunteered." missing 'ly': '“Today’s my birthday,” she suddenly
volunteered.'
Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead.
They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to
us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'
Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item,
increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power
cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature
differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence!
Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?
Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a
monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of
knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative."
Missing quotation close.
Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans,
and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have
thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found
quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?
Page 20.50 "Jim paused. The next agenda item simply read ‘TBA’, meaning ‘to be announced.’" should be "
announced'."
Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their
defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their
trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of
bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for
luna survivors would be detection.
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like
'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or
bald Grin
"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was
"The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."
This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?
Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried
the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?
Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing
beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he,
too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it
was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be
rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad
Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot
pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud Wink Plus Alien
metric system??
Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning
of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the
best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.
Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an
assumption at that point.
Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm
Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should
that be 'King'?
Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.
Possibly:
There was a wooden table upon which sat some sort of playback device. The voices, to which he'd been raptly listening, emanated loudly from it.
Quote
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
I think vaporized is more correct of a nuclear explosion, dissolved usually means "to a liquid state". I guess it depends how you want to interpret dissolve though, (eg. vanish):
All of the equipment in the chamber was vaporized in the blast, as was Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
Chapter 14:
Quote
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.
This might just be a difference in American/English colloquialism but we'd say:
That was flat out zippy for a diver in full gear.