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I'm about 60% done with this novel which, of course, will end on a cliffhanger...-kyrathaba (June 29, 2013, 03:04 PM)
"Estimated time remaining is one-hundred ninety-four seconds..." When reading I added an 'and' in there without it being there... also, you don't think it'd be made more human? '3 minutes, 14 seconds'? Or that Mephord has a personal setting on his workstation to round to the quarter? 'about 3 and a quarter seconds'-Perry Mowbray (June 29, 2013, 08:53 PM)
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.
2283-07-12T10:19-5:00
Tomorrow would mark the passage of one entire month since he’d first listened to Sethra Slatten’s recorded audio message.
“Residential Corridor cameras recorded him entering his cubicle on the eleventh of June at 18:36 hours, local time.”
“June eleventh through ... now.”
She gathered up the ultrasound equipment on its wheeled rack and departed the examination room.
I’ve entered a log into her work record that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.
The most significant thing he’d learned so far was that, of all three-hundred twenty-eight chimes sent by Sethra Slatten...
...Designee 2445’s last three-hundred twenty-eight chime messages.
...there were four-thousand seven-hundred twenty-three locations specified...
He studied the details. “Three-hundred forty-eight bits!”
...Designee 2445’s most recent three-hundred twenty-eight chimes, ...
“No, you stay bent over, or even lie down face-first if you want. You don’t wanna risk aspirating if you puke again.”
<dc:creator opf:role="aut" opf:file-as="Forkovian, Glen">Glen Forkovian</dc:creator>
He noted the creature seemed to have no anus.
There was a burst of water bubbles, like those produced by an Underwater Propulsion Device.
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
That would have to be relief, surely?-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 02:10 AM)
I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours-4wd (June 27, 2013, 02:48 AM)
-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 04:16 AM)
Chapter 16
Paragraph 25.38 "where a pair of robots was installing a lockable metallic grille over the entrance to the tunnel" Was is probably right, but it sounds wrong to me-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 04:12 AM)
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
That would have to be relief, surely?-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 02:10 AM)
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.
After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam'-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 12:53 AM)
Her chime containd only two pieces of information: her location, and an urgent request for him to come immediately.
The tech turned crimson; she hadn’t realized the pickup sensitivity of the mic Dr. Ericson wore.
He’d seen divers suffer decompression benz, and didn’t ever want to experience it.
We’ll secure the tunnel on our end, as a precaution.
“Still, we don’t want to allow free access to our cavern to these creatures just yet.”
And the implications this will have for us as deep dwellers, survivors from the surface.
The most likely source of all that water is the river flowing through this cavern. Not only does it rush powerfully along its main channel, but it’s the likeliest source of whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath the cavern.
He set the TCPI to the left of the rack of vials, and added the power cells to the same plastic rack that held the chemical vials.
He took the now empty vials and the plastic rack, and a few other scraps from his project and...
He’d restored the Shaft’s cameras to proper functioning upon learning that Administrator Mephord intended to remove from his post.
Sethra, Byron and Zuzana now stood on a circular platform of heavy-gauge aluminum mesh flooring that surrounded the Infrastructure Pole. The mesh flooring almost completely filled...
“And if we checked those units, we’d find the same thing we’re seeing here,” said Sethra. They won’t have been properly maintained, despite what our robotic video logs tell us.”
Beneath him were writhing, scaled tentacles, each easily fifteen feet in length and a foot across where they met beneath his torso.
The alien, which had taken Michael Covington’s identity several years ago, almost danced upon his tentacles, so pleasurable were the psychic emanations of terror pouring off of Eddie Hasser.
He snaked closer to Hasser, who had run out of breath, and was leaning forward,...
There was a deafening crash, and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped almost a third of a meter, canted at a shallow angle.
There were loud murmurs of approval, even a few people clapped their hands.
The other, a short-duration but high-energy beam, probably a laser in wavelength. That would have drawn so heavily and quickly on the power cell that tremendous heat would have been generated.
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:
Corrected to:
once we go undergo immersion,-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.
Yeah, that's trick I've read about several places: reading aloud. When we read silently our mind tends to fill in missing words, but not so much when we read aloud.-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 08:07 PM)
@4wd:Missing quotes:
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy.” He set his cup on the table, then slid the data chip across the table. “You keep that damned
safe, S-man. We’ll talk later. Door, open for guest to exit.”
I'd missed that one in my own review of the Prologue. Had prematurely congratulated myself that the Prologue had no errors, LOL. Thanks, 4wd!-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
Still-to-do
Filenames should contain the date-time when they are generated. Right now I'm overwriting files. Appending data could be a solution, but I did not find such an option yet in my travels.-Shades (June 24, 2013, 02:20 PM)
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy. He set his cup on the table, then slid the data chip across the table. You keep that damned safe, S-man. We’ll talk later. Door, open for guest to exit.”
...and maybe a couple dozen meter deeper.
Sallow-faced, and he had to have been even notably fatter, six months ago, than he appeared to be today.
...trying to take the emotional temperature of the group as a whole.
“Ease down off that railing and I’ll answer both questions, in either order you prefer,” quipped Sethra.
Such puling drivel just about justifies their slow deaths he reflected.
...and power cells to run them for up to at least thirty-six hours.
Nothing will hinge on one single weak leak in the chain.
...once we go under into immersion, ...
That night Veronne stayed with Sethra in his cubicle.
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios)-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)
You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 06:35 PM)
Page 15.22
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 04:20 AM)
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.
Because this could be mistaken for a political plug for anti-gun control, I thought about putting it in the Gun Control thread in the Basement, but it's a true story and too important to bury there.-IainB (June 22, 2013, 01:09 AM)
