I was thinking of running for President of the United States of America myself.
Here is my reasoning:
1) I am qualified. 35+ years of age, born in the U S of A. This is the shortest list of qualifications for a fairly high paying job with no heavy lifting I am aware of. Also when running for the job I will be put up at nice hotels with room service and cool looking Secret Service agents around the clock. No waiting in lines at restaurants for a table.
2) The job comes with living quarters provided rent free. Included is all maintenance, meals, utilities, health care, servants, haircuts, regular parties with famous people, and a slush fund of several million dollars a year that can be dipped into for odds and ends. Oh yeah, there is also the salary.
My platform:
I promise not to cater to special interests unless they make one or more sizable contributions to my PACs, foot the bill for negative ads against my opponents, and/or take me and my family/friends on expensive junkets to top level resorts. In short, there will be no freeloader vested interests in my entourage. If they want the number to the Red Phone they have to pay the vig.
No nuclear wars on my watch if I have anything to say about it. One has to keep in mind that the guy closest to the actual missiles in the silos has the advantage during a pissing contest. Sometimes these generals can get a MacArthur Complex before a President even knows what the skinny is.
No more deficit/off the books spending. If companies cannot provide what the American People need via government procurement at an affordable price then all contracts will be terminated with that entity. I do what I can but companies supposedly in competition in many of these bids are likely appendages of the same holding corporations anyway. What can a President do?
Free beer for homeless people. I am so sick of these guys panhandling me for beer money. If I can get the legislature to pass the Free Beer for the Homeless legislation then we can all say to the panhandlers, "Dude! I know you are getting it for free. Go away."
I promise if I am elected President that the Presidential Adviser who whispers in my ear to tell me what to do will not be an agent of a foreign power. He may, however be an agent of the New World Order, in which case there will also be the qualification that he or she is a High School Graduate. Keep in mind that this educational qualification is even stiffer than the one that does not exist for the President. But, after all, this guy is telling the President what to do so he should at least understand basic Algebra.
I will not have any "face shooters" as members of my cabinet. Anyone caught blasting innocent bystanders with shotguns will be immediately terminated from any cabinet position of responsibility. If on the other hand the Secretary should shoot himself in the foot, well that comes with the territory.
I promise that any brilliant ideas volunteered via email to the White House, if I like them, will be proposed and promoted as if I had thought of them myself. But hey, at least your input will have some effect. Way better than simply being ignored as all past Presidents have done.
Speaking of which I will ponder additional items for the agenda. One never knows when brilliant emails will arrive unsolicited.
