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Living Room / Re: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content]
« Last post by IainB on April 06, 2013, 06:17 AM »Court transquips. (updated April 2006)
Consolidated from:
(a) various emails.
(b) a book apparently called "Disorder in the Court".
(c) apparently, Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, who collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - "Humor in the Court" (1977) and "More Humor in the Court".
- these are things that people reputedly said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters - who probably had to suffer the torment of trying to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
=================================
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
=================================
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
=================================
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
=================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
=================================
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
=================================
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
=================================
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
=================================
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
=================================
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
=================================
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
=================================
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
=================================
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
=================================
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
=================================
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
=================================
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
=================================
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
=================================
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
=================================
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
=================================
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
=================================
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
=================================
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
=================================
Q. So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
=================================
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
=================================
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
=================================
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
=================================
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
=================================
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
=================================
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
=================================
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
=================================
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
=================================
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
=================================
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
=================================
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
=================================
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
=================================
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
=================================
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
=================================
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
=================================
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
=================================
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
=================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
=================================
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
=================================
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
=================================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
=================================
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
=================================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
=================================
Consolidated from:
(a) various emails.
(b) a book apparently called "Disorder in the Court".
(c) apparently, Mary Louise Gilman, editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, who collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books - "Humor in the Court" (1977) and "More Humor in the Court".
- these are things that people reputedly said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters - who probably had to suffer the torment of trying to stay calm while these exchanges were taking place.
=================================
Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?
=================================
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?
=================================
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
=================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
=================================
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
=================================
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
=================================
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
=================================
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
=================================
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
=================================
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
=================================
Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
=================================
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
=================================
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
=================================
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.
=================================
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
=================================
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
=================================
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
=================================
Q. What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A. She is my daughter.
Q. Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
=================================
Q. Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
=================================
Q. ...and what did he do then?
A. He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
=================================
Q. Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A. He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
=================================
Q. So, after the anaesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A. I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q. It was covered?
A. Yes, bandaged.
Q. Then, later on.. what did you see?
A. I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
=================================
Q. Could you see him from where you were standing?
A. I could see his head.
Q. And where was his head?
A. Just above his shoulders.
=================================
Q. What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A. Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch - and she did!
=================================
Q. Do you drink when you're on duty?
A. I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
=================================
Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.
=================================
Q. Are you sexually active?
A. No, I just lie there.
=================================
Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.
=================================
Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
=================================
Q. What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A. It indicates intercourse.
Q. Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
=================================
Q. (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
=================================
Q. Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
=================================
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
=================================
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
=================================
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
=================================
Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
=================================
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
=================================
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
=================================
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
=================================
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
=================================
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
=================================
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
=================================
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
=================================
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
=================================
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
=================================
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
=================================
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
=================================
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
=================================
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
=================================
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
=================================
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
=================================
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
=================================
, pointing ironically and in self-deprecating fashion to a statement of personal opinion (
