Home | Blog | Software | Reviews and Features | Forum | Help | Donate | About us
topbanner_forum
  *

avatar image

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
Did you miss your activation email?

Login with username, password and session length
  • December 03, 2016, 11:40:08 AM
  • Proudly celebrating 10 years online.
  • Donate now to become a lifetime supporting member of the site and get a non-expiring license key for all of our programs.
  • donate

Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 183403 times)

4wd

  • Supporting Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 4,471
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #175 on: June 23, 2013, 05:30:36 AM »
Page 15.22
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word  :(

I'm assuming that the medical robot is referring to the 4 bodies in the pods, in which case should it be "organisms" rather than "organic machines" ?

Maybe:

Continued depletion of blood sugar will result in failure of organisms to sustain life functions.

Quote
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?

Drop 'sighting systems', (you've already said it's computer aided), and re-arrange:

"The computer-aided autoguns are programmed to only fire on organisms whose physical parameters are outside those of humans."

Quote
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) :)

Quote
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format :) Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared ;)

Always did prefer International Date Format, (YYYY/MM/DD).

Quote
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?

I think the generic 'waste', (rock waste, waste material), might be more suitable, overburden is what is on top of something you specifically want to get to.

Quote
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality ;)

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am." :)

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #176 on: June 23, 2013, 07:06:46 AM »
Chapter 9
Page 18.24 "the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological to their new digital existence" It may be just the way I talk, but I'd have 'the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological existence to their new, digital existence'

Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'

Chapter 10
Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?

Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called 'modern'?

Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly' or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?

Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'

Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over stated?

Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent? ;)

Page 20.8 "“Today’s my birthday,” she sudden volunteered." missing 'ly': '“Today’s my birthday,” she suddenly volunteered.'

Page 20.16 "He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham" Is he forever young?? ;)

Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead. They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'

Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item, increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence! Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?

Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative." Missing quotation close.

Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans, and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?

Page 20.50 "Jim paused. The next agenda item simply read ‘TBA’, meaning ‘to be announced.’" should be " announced'."

Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for luna survivors would be detection.

Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald  ;D

"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was "The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?

Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery." This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?

Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?

Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it :(

Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud ;) Plus Alien metric system??

Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.

Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an assumption at that point.



Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #177 on: June 23, 2013, 07:17:14 AM »
Not totally sure but...

2. Who is your favorite male character? Favorite female character?

Mark Shields makes me smile with his disbelief that people would break the rules

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #178 on: June 23, 2013, 07:51:00 AM »
Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm

Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should that be 'King'?

Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #179 on: June 23, 2013, 09:11:12 AM »
@4wd: a lot of the points you raised, had also been raised by Perry in an earlier post. They've been addressed. Just shows

two great minds thinking along the same lines ;)

Quote
sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not definite issues, just

questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)

No problemo :)

Quote
Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things

that are to stay just between us.'

Fixed.

Quote
Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as almost opposites:

panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.

Took out panoramas.

Quote
Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off

our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate

Earth." I think the first sentence feels unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced

enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles,

it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'

Fixed.

Quote
Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them

to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation),

and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill

and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?

Fixed.

Quote
Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to

contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our

experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had

to look them up (thank you smiley ) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific

research itself was not the main goal of the mission." Wikipedia

You're right. It's just Sethra showing off his study of history. He figures Mephord will have to look up 'Lewis & Clark',

and that gives him a kick.

Quote
Page 15.22
"These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the

robots are not monitoring any others??

Fixed.

Quote
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion.

These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by

the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic

compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease

to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word  Sad

Fixed.

Quote
Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a

long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I

would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had

choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and

research of the past few hours.'

Fixed.

Quote
Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??

Fixed.

Quote
"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced

without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups

are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced, without any exceptions, would be a

significant step toward detection.'

Fixed. It does read better with those commas...

Quote
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park

bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids'

is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase

"of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:

These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such

location.

Quote
"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through."  Wink 'They could be modified to

weigh each individual as he, she or it passes through.'

Clever, and better: it could be an alien or synthetic being passing by, not a human 'he' or 'she'. Good catch, Perry.

Quote
Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's

advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders

his statement...

Mephord hasn't really bought into Sethra's advice about the androids. In fact, he considers it a bit paranoid. He's of the

same mind as his chief engineer, Mary Pilsner: that this killing was a one-off event only made possible because of alien

intervention.

Quote
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical

parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting

systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?

Fixed.

Quote
Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that

sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?

Yeah, just reflects the everyday difficulty even educated people have in clearly communicating their ideas, especially

when under pressure in a meeting.

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at

Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

Quote
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format

smiley Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared

Wink

I'll look at going back and re-doing the date formats.

Quote
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and

transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho'

maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the

overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?

Fixed.

Quote
Page 17.16 "set in the mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?

Heh, good catch. I was thinking in terms of cave mouths. Changed "mouth" to "opening".

Page 17.22 "His voiced rationale hadn’t yet seemed to make much headway" maybe: 'His voiced rationale hadn’t made much

headway yet, it seemed,'

Quote
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near

future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our

former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access

points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our

consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most

obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality Wink

Yep. Sethra is overly worked up, and not thinking calmly. Though he is extremely intelligent, sometimes Byron has the more

level-headed intelligence.

Quote
Always did prefer International Date Format, (YYYY/MM/DD).

@4wd: since you and Perry both note this, I'll definitely look into changing the date format.

Quote
I think the generic 'waste', (rock waste, waste material), might be more suitable, overburden is what is on top of

something you specifically want to get to.

I chose the term "detritus".

Quote
I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."

See, that's the slightly unstable genius that is Sethra. So sure of himself, but is he really right in his conclusions?

Quote
Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the

Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'

Fixed.

Quote
Chapter 10
Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that

together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?

Fixed. Thank you!! What an embarrassing typo if it'd made it into print.

Quote
Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by

modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called

'modern'?

He meant considered by even the historians of the 23rd century...

Changing it to:

He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered even by 23rd century

historians to be the first mechanical computer.

Quote
Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly'

or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?

Fixed. Used "biweekly".

Quote
Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are

sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'

Fixed.

Quote
Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over

stated?

Yep, removed the sentence.

Quote
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this

twice.

Fixed with this sentence:

"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."

Quote
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been

eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Just the opposite. They were loud and boisterous. Yelling at one another. Hollering instructions. Sharing coarse humor.

Thus, the comparative silence in which the multi-limbed robot construction workers worked would have seemed strange to

those human construction workers of earlier days.

Quote
Page 20.8 "“Today’s my birthday,” she sudden volunteered." missing 'ly': '“Today’s my birthday,” she suddenly

volunteered.'

Author smacks his forehead. Thanks! Fixed.

Quote
Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead.

They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to

us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'

Your wording does make it clearer. Thanks.

Quote
Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item,

increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power

cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature

differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence!

Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?

Yep. Here's my change:

If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item: power generation. We need to

increase the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’. I’m referring to both to power cells, and to the large banks of high-

capacity power cells found in the Engineering and Environmental domes. Mary, your bailiwick once again, I believe.”

Quote
Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a

monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of

knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative."

Missing quotation close.

Fixed.

Quote
Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans,

and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have

thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found

quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?

Yep. This is an example where the good Doctor couldn't think of a better comparison, and so fell back on his biologist

experiences. He's done research on Loxodonta Africana in his career.

Quote
Page 20.50 "Jim paused. The next agenda item simply read ‘TBA’, meaning ‘to be announced.’" should be "

announced'."

Good eye. Fixed.

Quote
Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their

defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their

trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of

bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for

luna survivors would be detection.

Changed to:

“Unlikely to work,” said Mark Shields. “We’ve no idea of their defensive capability, but we can probably safely assume

it’s quite superior to our offensive capabilities. If they survived such an assault, they’d undoubtedly do a thorough

survey of the moon. Not only would they find and destroy our platforms, they might also discover our bases, and the people

we have there.”

Quote
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like

'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

You mean "grow up to know..." Right?

Quote
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or

bald  Grin

LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha! I'm

going to do the same with the name of another site member, which in the book will become: Araland De Codamus.

Quote
"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was

"The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?

Fixed.

Quote
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."

This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century

old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery

among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey

superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work

with.

Quote
Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried

the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?

Fixed.

Quote
Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing

beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?

Replaced "kilometers" with "far"

Quote
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he,

too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it

was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed

by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:

Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king

sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”

Quote
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's

programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's

got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My

house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.

Quote
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be

rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad


Fixed with this:

Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are

guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

Sethra's not at his best at this moment.

Quote
Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot

pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud Wink Plus Alien

metric system??

Changed "half kilometer" to "short distance".

Quote
Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning

of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the

best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.

Changed to this:

The first section of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the

humans had planned to drill a tunnel clear through the mountain, running north and south, and have a track built, upon

which a maglev train would transport people at speeds of up to four-hundred kilometers per hour.

Quote
Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an

assumption at that point.

Here's a rewrite. See if this passage is clearer:

Dukensenmatchlofel got down and wriggled on his belly, finally sticking his head around a large rock near the cavern’s

entrance. There was a wooden table upon which sat some sort of device. A power cell fed it electricity. Were the voices

he’d heard coming from humans, or from this device? As his eyes darted about, seeking out humanoids within the dim light,

he heard a faint mechanical click, and then: “You can’t possibly believe they’d fall for it!” A moment later: “Perhaps

only once, but yes. They aren’t godlike, after all. We know of at least one of their attack ships that was annihilated

during the Attack in 2276.” Dukensenmatchlofel had the physical sensation that a human would call “a sinking feeling in

the pit of the stomach.” He came to his knees, bringing the plasma weapon up: “surely their equipment is sensitive enough

to detect the deception we have devised.” He turned to flee back up the steep grade, sending out a psionic howl of fear

that could not be heard by his shipmates, due to the thickness of intervening rock.
A one-quarter kiloton nuke detonated. All of the equipment in the chamber vaporized in the blast, as did

Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.

Quote
Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm

Fixed.

Quote
Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should

that be 'King'?

Not sure. It he'd said "King Molech has charged me...", then it'd definitely need to be capitalized.

Quote
Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'

Fixed.

Wow!! Lot of effort on you guys' parts. Thanks SO much!


« Last Edit: June 23, 2013, 09:36:16 AM by kyrathaba »

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #180 on: June 23, 2013, 09:30:34 AM »
The original post has been updated to reflect the benefit of all the corrections noted in my post above. New zip containing updated mobi and epub files, and the online html version has been updated. Again, thank you Perry and 4wd for taking the time to post the problems you found. I owe you.

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #181 on: June 23, 2013, 09:40:28 AM »
I may have to add a pronunciation appendix :)

Dukensenmatchlofel is pronounced DooKinSinMatchLowfell, with emphasis on the second syllable.

The alien that posed as Covington is Svareneketchmakull.

Svareneketchmakull is pronounced SaVerrinaCatchMacull, with emphasis on the third syllable.

Don't bother practicing your pronunciation. The aliens would still laugh to hear you attempt their names ;)

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #182 on: June 23, 2013, 09:42:26 AM »
Now that the book is half-written, and much, much better thanks to my betareaders' proofing, I'm going to read it all the way through this afternoon, to get the full effect, then proceed to write Chapter 16.

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #183 on: June 23, 2013, 09:49:25 AM »
Quote
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been

eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Just the opposite. They were loud and boisterous. Yelling at one another. Hollering instructions. Sharing coarse humor.

Thus, the comparative silence in which the multi-limbed robot construction workers worked would have seemed strange to
those human construction workers of earlier days.

Sorry, that was my point... not just 20+21 Century but also before

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #184 on: June 23, 2013, 09:56:52 AM »
Working my way through the manuscript, converting dates/times to International format, as specified in ISO 8601.

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #185 on: June 23, 2013, 09:58:35 AM »
I get it now, Perry.

Will change "To construction foremen of earlier centuries...

40hz

  • Supporting Member
  • Joined in 2007
  • **
  • Posts: 11,768
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #186 on: June 23, 2013, 11:51:25 AM »
Quick minor question: is there any significance to the fact Byron is wearing red neoprene coveralls in the prolog?

You made a separate sentence of it and I was wondering if this would be a lead-in to his occupation, societal rank, political affiliation, or possibly a hint of where he had just come from? Was it intended as some sort of foreshadowing?

DAV-1103819103-298.jpg

At first I though it was just me. But a friend of mine also asked "what's the significance of red neoprene coveralls" when she read it.

She also wondered how he could be walking around in them without overheating. (She's a licensed scuba diver btw.) According to her, neoprene is very hot to wear when out of the water. So unless it was very cold in A-3, or his coveralls had climate control, he'd probably be extremely uncomfortable wearing them while sipping a hot drink - or doing anything physical earlier - which wearing coveralls seems to imply..
« Last Edit: June 23, 2013, 12:05:46 PM by 40hz »

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #187 on: June 23, 2013, 12:23:17 PM »
Quote
Quick minor question: is there any significance to the fact Byron is wearing red neoprene coveralls in the prolog?

Yes. Byron is a member of Engineering. All personnel assigned to Engineering wear red. Medical/Science staff wear blue. Environmental/Maintenance wear green. Security wear black.

This is why you see references in the book to Blues, Reds, etc.

The first chapter or two make some references suggesting that personnel have a color-tagged dress code. For example, there's a meeting of the Blues that Sethra winds up leaving early because he sees a notice on one of the chamber's large wall screens that a recent death in the compound was a miscarriage of his girlfriend's (and his) child.

You notice in the book it occasionally makes mention of the fact that Zuzana wears the Green of Environmental.

40hz

  • Supporting Member
  • Joined in 2007
  • **
  • Posts: 11,768
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #188 on: June 23, 2013, 01:36:12 PM »
^Thx. :)

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #189 on: June 23, 2013, 01:51:45 PM »
^ No problem. Thanks for getting clarification.

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #190 on: June 23, 2013, 05:10:41 PM »
I'm giving what's been written a thoroughly clinical read. In Chapter 1, I've identified sixteen needed changes, LOL. Once I get this process done for everything I've written thus far, I'll upload the edited manuscript for everyone's review, then begin work on Chapter 16.

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #191 on: June 23, 2013, 05:52:22 PM »
Security wear black.

 ;D

Not just black hats?

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #192 on: June 23, 2013, 06:16:12 PM »
No hats. Just "Men In Black".  ;D

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #193 on: June 23, 2013, 06:23:53 PM »
Hope you enjoy the read K... we sure are  :Thmbsup:

Quote
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:

These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.

 :-[ Grammar makes my brain go pumpkin... thanks!!


Quote
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Fixed with this sentence:

"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."

I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?

Quote
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

You mean "grow up to know..." Right?


 :-[ not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld

Quote
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald  Grin

LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha!

Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.

Quote
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."

This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.

OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure what it's called?  Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?

Quote
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:

Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”

Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly explaining why?

Quote
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.

Yep: he gives me the chills (though that's just because of his name

Quote
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad

Fixed with this:

Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

Sethra's not at his best at this moment.

This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush! ...'



I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously :)  I don't think it's particularly easy to put really funny bits into a novel  :Thmbsup:

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #194 on: June 23, 2013, 06:35:04 PM »
Quote
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) :)

You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?

Perry Mowbray

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Charter Member
  • Joined in 2005
  • ***
  • Posts: 1,817
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #195 on: June 23, 2013, 06:40:28 PM »
Quote
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality ;)

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am." :)

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #196 on: June 23, 2013, 06:49:17 PM »
Quote
I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and

I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?

You were right: I went back and checked and I had already mentioned it. Changed the whole passage to read as follows:

“They’re called glow globes, or just ‘globes,’” Sethra explained. You just saw one when I paid for our meal. Each of you

should have a couple in your coin purses too, as well as a few lesser denominations. In the Land of Kyrathaba, the basic

unit of exchange is called a Chit Coin. It’s a ceramic coin about three centimeters across and perhaps three millimeters

thick. Higher monetary denominations take the form of various crystalline or precious stone objects, each of which is

worth some multiple of the Chit Coin. Glow globes are about 2.5 centimeters in diameter and give off a dim pearly

luminescence. They can be found growing in rocky terrain, and sometimes in caves. Wizards prize them for their magical

properties. But for our purposes, they’re worth approximately twenty Chit Coins.”

Quote
not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld

Heh. We can either say "grow up to know" or "grow up knowing". Right now, it's "grow up to know the appearance of their

enemy."

Quote
Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.

As an indie author getting ready to publish his first novel, I'm certainly encouraged by your description of her

interaction with the book.

Quote
OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure

what it's called?  Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?


I think I understand what you mean. I've deleted the direct reference to Sean Connery. Now the passage reads:

King Molech was a dignified, shrewd-looking man with piercing blue eyes and a neatly trimmed white beard. To Veronee

Houston, he looked strikingly like a handsome twentieth-century television actor she’d seen in several movies drawn from

the compound’s media database. Tonight, he wore a light but gleaming golden circlet upon his brow, rather than the heavy

jewel-encrusted crown required when he held court.

Quote
Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly

explaining why?

Ooh! I like that idea! How's this?

King Molech then studied Sethra intently. “You are not from here.”
Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Byron

winked at Zuzana. The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”


Quote
This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure

if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression

that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild

look on his face, "Hush! ...'

Totally agree. It now reads:

Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush!" he whispered harshly.

“Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

Quote
I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously

That's fantastically encouraging to me as the author!

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #197 on: June 23, 2013, 06:55:10 PM »
Quote
You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?

Changed that to:

He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and looked at Jaimie. So there's no longer any reference to height (looking up to, down at, etc.)


Quote
I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

Changed the passage to read as so:

Zuzana turned the spitted rabbits. “What if, on a lark, the aliens decide to implode every subterranean compound, or to launch a kinetic missile of sufficient mass to demolish the globe? What happens to us then?”
There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end.”
“Near future?” asked Byron, seeking clarification.
“I’ve a theory, but I’m not ready to try to articulate it, yet,” said Sethra.
They paused in their discussion to eat, pulling hot bits of surprisingly savory flesh from their cooked meal. As the night deepened and it grew cooler, they donned their cloaks and bedded down. Into the flickering shadows cast by the lowering fire, Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, anyway?”

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #198 on: June 23, 2013, 06:58:26 PM »
^ updated last passage above. See what you think.

kyrathaba

  • N.A.N.Y. Organizer
  • Honorary Member
  • Joined in 2006
  • **
  • Posts: 3,120
    • View Profile
    • Donate to Member
Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #199 on: June 23, 2013, 07:12:22 PM »
Anyone on here who could take the full-size cover image (click here, then enlarge by clicking on image) and smooth out the blocky pixelation where I added the title in the upper right of the image?

I'm also interested in a snazzier cover, and would be willing to donate some donation credits if anyone is interested and can develop a cover that we agree better reflects the novel.