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Author Topic: [EXCLUSIVE NEWS!] Captain Obvious hired by Apple!  (Read 768 times)


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[EXCLUSIVE NEWS!] Captain Obvious hired by Apple!
« on: March 26, 2015, 04:17:06 AM »
Renegade News(TM) has the scoop on this exclusive story!


Through the Renegade Network(TM) of Renegade Informants(TM) it has now been confirmed by a Renegade Unnamed Source(TM) that CAPTAIN OBVIOUS(R) is now working for Apple.

"Well, it's kind of obvious now. Like, just how can you possible not look at Apple's patent #8,989,773 and not know that it was devised by CAPTAIN OBVIOUS(R)? I'm sure that a few heavily brain damaged and comatose people haven't noticed by now, but c'mon... let's cut 'em some slack," said the informant in a Renegade Informal Interview(TM). "We've knows it for years. If the rounded corners didn't clue you in, then please don't operate any machinery or vehicles where others could be injured."

The new patent is for people to track each other in real time.

The patent was reported by Apple Insider, but quickly spread to other news outlets, including CNET, and alternative news outlets like Prison Planet.

One Renegade Anonymous Source(TM) from the Cult of Mac said, "This will help people stay in touch, all the time, with their iPhones and iPads. It's all about, like, closeness and peace. If the corps and, like, The Man(TM) know where you are, shouldn't like your loved ones know too?"

Other analysts have similarly praised the brave innovation in this new patent.

Director of the National Security Agency Admiral Michael S. Rogers explained, "We already know where you are and usually what you're doing. Heck, we know when a lot of people take a #1 or a #2, and the rest we'll know soon enough. So it really makes sense for this technology to be made more broadly available to the general public, and the timing is perfect to deflect from..." At which point the Admiral trailed off into an uncomfortable silence.

The Admiral continued, "I think this is a fantastic innovation," as he motioned with air quotes, "for family and friends to keep track of each other. In a way, this lets everyone have a bit of the NSA experience in the comfort of their own homes. Well, that and that we'll now have the data on who you are keeping track of and who keeps track of you, but it's really for your own safety."

Wall Street similarly chimed in on the topic with Apple stock skyrocketing 13.32% within nanoseconds of the announcement. We asked an HFT (High-frequency Trading) supercomputer what it thought and it showed us a live stock chart for Microsoft stock diving 6.66%, then quickly strobing between the screen for the 13.32% rise for Apple.

It seems the votes are in, and that patenting the ubiquitous spying of the NSA for personal use will be a big hit in the market.

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Re: [EXCLUSIVE NEWS!] Captain Obvious hired by Apple!
« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2015, 04:58:44 PM »