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Author Topic: A few segments from the book I am writing: Critique welcomed!  (Read 942 times)

Stephen66515

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Below are a few short segments from a book I am currently writing.  I have omitted some sections after due thought, as they contain sexual content.  Anybody wishing to read one of these segments, PM me, and I will happily send :)

Comments and Critique are warmly welcomed. But please remember...These are randomly selected segments so they don't fully tie in with each other.  I have done my best to have this where it reads without error, but, for some, you may notice certain points missing, and, that is probably the reason :)



Intro

Really, there is no way he could have seen this coming.  Spending every day locked away in his own little world; friends all around, but loneliness so vivid.  Darkness was his companion, the light, his enemy.  Yet, somehow, through the mist, he saw something that made no sense, something he couldn't explain.  Words cannot describe the feeling that had come over him, and all he knew, was that something was changing...something strange, something wonderful, but also absolutely terrifying.  It took only a few moments for things to become clear, and he could see through the mist, he could feel the breeze.  Something whispered out to him, and he knew then, what he must do, to survive.

1

Things just didn't seem quite right, what with everything that was happening.  Days seemed short, the nights long, no matter what he said, there was nothing getting through, nothing had the power to break through the wall, and that left him with a heart so powerless, his soul fading like sheets blowing into the distance.  Hidden away, lost, and with an overwhelming loneliness thrust through his soul, he had no clue how to overcome the feelings of darkness that passed through him on a minute-by-minute basis.  Nothing seemed to help.  Life was slipping past him at an incredible rate, yet the world seemed to stay without motion, words resonating without echo, quickly evaporating into a hazy mist.

People move so quickly these days, but for reasons that are unknown, his feet are stuck in the quicksand he has created, lost in his own spirit, drowning in solitude, and with painful angst, he muttered slowly with every breath he could muster, hoping for some release, something to help him climb up from the bottom of this endless cliff, but that was a path he could not see.  It is amazing to think, that for a long time, these feelings where locked, like an ocean liner trapped in a bottle or a firefly lost in the sunset.
 

2


His mind twisted like branches around an old oak tree, trying to find resolve, desperate for an end, a way through, some meaning, some light, but nothing would go right, every turn was littered with voids.  He spent his days locked behind a glaring screen, sound coming through was muffled and empty, but it gave him a reason, a way forward, and a path on which to travel where he couldn't feel.  Every word he tried to say, came out backwards, and it was breaking him.

The sun was falling from the sky, causing shadows to leap and bounce along the building tops.  This was something he could enjoy, something that still felt right, which is why he got in the car so often at the end of the day, to find a spot to sit, somewhere to find solitude, even for a moment.  

Sitting there, he could think clearly, so clearly.  He felt warm, and safe, while on his own, but nobody could understand.  The pain in his heart, was breaking him.  Simply staying here, in the place he was, and the situation he was in, was going to kill him, no other way I could put that, so much easier to be blunt about it, and there lies the problem...on several occasions, it almost did.

Skeletons littering his mind,  ghosts of the past screaming into his soul, he needed an opportunity to relinquish some of the pain he was feeling, yet, there was no way out.  No matter how much they spoke, their words fell before reaching the intended destination.  He screamed out, but to no avail, his heart twisting with every word, beating faster than the wings of a Hummingbird in a calm summers breeze.  Every ounce of his being was on fire, and yet, he was, actually, happy...once.

3

Back in the beginning, when they first began on their path, he had nothing in his mind other than happiness that someone had paid him attention. Perhaps this was his downfall...Rather than going in for respect, or love; he joined for a sense of affection and the feeling of being wanted.  

Calmness never seemed to set over his body, instead, he was in a constant mist of confusion, on how somebody could see him this way, how, in somebodies eyes, he seemed sexual, and interesting.  She looked at him in a way he had never seen before, and he had no means of understanding what she was thinking when she did.  

Years had passes since that moment they set their eyes on each other; yet deep down, he still had no idea how to explain these feelings.  Was it love?  Was he content?  Was he comfortable?  Not even he could answer these questions.  

« Last Edit: June 28, 2013, 12:45:57 AM by Stephen66515 »

TaoPhoenix

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Re: A few segments from the book I am writing: Critique welcomed!
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2013, 12:46:08 AM »
Hi Stephen!

Why don't you join the Writer's Workshop / eZine I am promoting? They have a specific section for this stuff called "Writer's Workshop"!

And if you re-work a fragment of it, you can enter a Flash challenge contest! ("Flash" = 1000 word limit as a special type of super short story.)

http://www.Aphelion-Webzine.com!
http://www.aphelion-...m/viewforum.php?f=46

8)

Stephen66515

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Re: A few segments from the book I am writing: Critique welcomed!
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2013, 01:20:17 AM »
Remind me later on IRC Tao! xD