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Author Topic: Are *you* Computer Literate?  (Read 3850 times)

timns

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Are *you* Computer Literate?
« on: March 04, 2011, 11:39:57 AM »
Are you buggery! So here’s a simple glossary of modern computering terms to help you navigate your way through the technology maze.
 
1.   BYTE - an element of computer memory which stores information in binary form, rendering it completely meaningless to humans, and thus requiring expensive bits of software to turn it back into English again.
   
2.   RAM - Random Access Memory. This is memory which can be modified at any time by the program you are running, usually in order to lose what you have just typed.
   
3.   ROM - Read Only Memory. This memory is used to store programs which do not need to change, as they already have the correct number of bugs in them.
   
4.   MODEM - a device used to enable computers to communicate using high-frequency signals over a telephone line, as is demonstrated when you forget the computer is connected, pick up the phone to make a call, and are deafened by its piercing shreik.
   
5.   PC - Personal Computer. Equipment which enables you to undergo work-levels of stress and time-wasting during your evenings at home.
   
6.   HARD DISK - an excited floppy disk. Ho ho, just kidding! It’s a high capacity storage device, organised into directories which enable the user to lose any number of documents incredibly quickly and efficiently.
   
7.   WINDOWS - a simplified interface to allow the user to destroy files and programs more quickly and easily, using only a tacky piece of moulded plastic whimsically called a ‘mouse’.
   
8.   POINT-AND-CLICK - a design paradigm which presents the user with the simplest, most obvious option for any given situation. Other point-and-click devices include the hand gun.
   
9.   WORD PROCESSOR - you’ve seen what a food processor does to vegetables, right? This software package does the same to your carefully crafted text document.
   
10.   SPREADSHEET - a utility which helps you fit duvet covers.
   
11.   DATABASE - a tool which enables users to organise and store their data in such a way as to make it completely useless to anyone else.
   
12.   QWERTY KEYBOARD - originally designed for old mechanical typewriters to prevent users typing too fast and efficiently; this device continues to excel at its original intention.
   
13.   INTERNET - a massive, world-wide network of interconnected computers which enable spotty social inadequates across the globe to swap reasons why original Star Trek is better than ‘The Next Generation’.
   
14.   MOTHERBOARD - the main printed circuit board which destroys all the most expensive electronic components in one convenient power surge.

Stoic Joker

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2011, 12:55:07 PM »
:lol: :greenclp: :lol: :Thmbsup: :lol: :greenclp: :lol:

cranioscopical

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2011, 01:53:53 PM »
 ;D ;D ;D

Ath

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #3 on: March 04, 2011, 01:59:55 PM »
At first scan I though it was for real, but then the pun began :eusa_dance:

mahesh2k

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #4 on: March 04, 2011, 03:03:53 PM »
 :D  :D

timns

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2011, 05:11:17 PM »
It's Friday. Got a little giddy there  :-[

app103

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #6 on: March 04, 2011, 07:40:37 PM »
You just summarized the first few years of my computing life in a single post.  ;D

app103

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #7 on: March 04, 2011, 07:48:11 PM »
9.   WORD PROCESSOR - you’ve seen what a food processor does to vegetables, right? This software package does the same to your carefully crafted text document.

I swear on my first PC the word processor was missing its lid. You have any idea what kind of mess that made?

MilesAhead

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #8 on: March 04, 2011, 07:52:30 PM »
Hmmmm, I wanted to compose a meaningful reply but I couldn't find anyone to read the subject line to me. :)

nudone

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #9 on: March 05, 2011, 10:12:18 AM »
Can we have a few more definitions, please.

Things like: Broad-band, Wi-fi, USB, facebook, twitter, google, etc.,etc.

cranioscopical

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2011, 10:22:16 AM »
Can we have a few more definitions, please.

Things like: Broad-band, Wi-fi, USB, facebook, twitter, google, etc.,etc.

BROAD-BAND: An alternative to the Windows start-up sound.

cranioscopical

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #11 on: March 05, 2011, 10:34:34 AM »
USB: A means to direct traffic between stations (recent trends hint that everyone but Intel got on the wrong bus).

Stoic Joker

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #12 on: March 05, 2011, 12:44:17 PM »
Hm... No.

USB was created to allow the average user to daisy-chain over 100 devices into a single port allowing them to all malfunction simultaneously.

cranioscopical

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #13 on: March 05, 2011, 01:23:33 PM »
Hm... No.

USB was created to allow…


Much better  :Thmbsup:

40hz

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #14 on: March 05, 2011, 02:01:33 PM »
Hm... No.

USB was created to allow…


Much better  :Thmbsup:

;D  :Thmbsup:

Right up there with virtual machines, which are:

A piece of software engineering which allows you to experience hard system crashes in numbers greater than what your actual hardware would otherwise allow.


nudone

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Re: Are *you* Computer Literate?
« Reply #15 on: March 05, 2011, 03:20:24 PM »
heheheh, this is getting like the computer themed version of Devil's Dictionary: http://en.wikipedia....Devil%27s_Dictionary

it would be nice to provide definitions for lots more words - perhaps a general "technology" themed dictionary. it would be a great service to many confused people; who knows what "HD" means or "Blueray". And there really needs to be better defintions for "iPod" and "iPad".

(I've just remembered that someone has done a twitter page that's like an updated version of the Devil's Dictionary; there's probably an iPad difinition on there. Problem is, I can't remember who did it or what it's called.)