Are you buggery! So here’s a simple glossary of modern computering terms to help you navigate your way through the technology maze.
1. BYTE - an element of computer memory which stores information in binary form, rendering it completely meaningless to humans, and thus requiring expensive bits of software to turn it back into English again.
2. RAM - Random Access Memory. This is memory which can be modified at any time by the program you are running, usually in order to lose what you have just typed.
3. ROM - Read Only Memory. This memory is used to store programs which do not need to change, as they already have the correct number of bugs in them.
4. MODEM - a device used to enable computers to communicate using high-frequency signals over a telephone line, as is demonstrated when you forget the computer is connected, pick up the phone to make a call, and are deafened by its piercing shreik.
5. PC - Personal Computer. Equipment which enables you to undergo work-levels of stress and time-wasting during your evenings at home.
6. HARD DISK - an excited floppy disk. Ho ho, just kidding! It’s a high capacity storage device, organised into directories which enable the user to lose any number of documents incredibly quickly and efficiently.
7. WINDOWS - a simplified interface to allow the user to destroy files and programs more quickly and easily, using only a tacky piece of moulded plastic whimsically called a ‘mouse’.
8. POINT-AND-CLICK - a design paradigm which presents the user with the simplest, most obvious option for any given situation. Other point-and-click devices include the hand gun.
9. WORD PROCESSOR - you’ve seen what a food processor does to vegetables, right? This software package does the same to your carefully crafted text document.
10. SPREADSHEET - a utility which helps you fit duvet covers.
11. DATABASE - a tool which enables users to organise and store their data in such a way as to make it completely useless to anyone else.
12. QWERTY KEYBOARD - originally designed for old mechanical typewriters to prevent users typing too fast and efficiently; this device continues to excel at its original intention.
13. INTERNET - a massive, world-wide network of interconnected computers which enable spotty social inadequates across the globe to swap reasons why original Star Trek is better than ‘The Next Generation’.
14. MOTHERBOARD - the main printed circuit board which destroys all the most expensive electronic components in one convenient power surge.