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Last post Author Topic: Goodbye to my father  (Read 5370 times)

dantheman

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #25 on: June 13, 2016, 08:16:36 PM »
Mouser, isn't nice for you, to see all these "virtual" friends of yours writing to share your grief?  :Thmbsup:
It will surely be a tough one for you with this upcoming "Fathers' Day"...

Unfortunately, i only had a dad for the first few years of my life.
Hopefully, people who read your "eulogy" shall come to appreciate their dads for who they are.

mouser

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #26 on: June 13, 2016, 08:26:18 PM »
Quote
Mouser, isn't nice for you, to see all these "virtual" friends of yours writing to share your grief?

Inestimably.

Both with the death of my father, and my cat a couple of years ago, the messages I've received on this forum have been the one thing that has truly helped calm me down.  It has meant so much to me.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and nice wishes.





The memorial for my father is this coming saturday.. I won't be online much between June 16-25th, but I will be back with a vengeance at that time.

Stoic Joker

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #27 on: June 14, 2016, 06:32:24 AM »
I do not want in anyway for this to side track the thread, but just wanted to mention that my wife lost her father last week. He fought in WWII, was gay before it was cool, and was one of the finest men I have ever known...he will be truly missed.

mouser

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #28 on: June 14, 2016, 06:34:44 AM »
Not hijacking it at all.. at this point the thread is open for all who might want to commiserate about losing a parent.

phitsc

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #29 on: June 14, 2016, 06:58:24 AM »
My wife just lost her beloved mother, on June 2nd. Although she had been very ill for the last 6 months, her sudden death was unexpected. She was actually sent home from hospital for recovery of an operation. She was a kind and very helpful person, never hesitant to offer her support, even when she was already plagued by her health issues.

mouser

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #30 on: June 29, 2016, 09:49:48 AM »
An update:
I just got back from my father's memorial service, which we held in his home of 40 years.
It was much more emotional (for me and others) than I expected.  Mostly I was just surprised at the full life he had and the friends and family who held him in such esteem.

One thing that really jumped out at me was that there were certain things that i paid little attention to during his life -- his writing (he self published a dozen books of stories, novel, etc.) -- took on such significance after his death.

It's not that I didn't on rare occasion talk to him about a particular piece of writing he did that I liked -- but these were very rare occasions.

But after the memorial I couldn't help but think how wonderful it would have been for my father if we had had a day when he was still living, which was just focused on fawning over him and the stuff he made.  I think he would have really appreciated that.

So to all of you who have living parents, my suggestion is, find an excuse to fawn over them for a day, and let them know how amazing they are, etc.

eleman

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #31 on: June 29, 2016, 09:52:30 AM »
An update:
I just got back from my father's memorial service, which we held in his home of 40 years.
It was much more emotional (for me and others) than I expected.  Mostly I was just surprised at the full life he had and the friends and family who held him in such esteem.

One thing that really jumped out at me was that there were certain things that i paid little attention to during his life -- his writing (he self published a dozen books of stories, novel, etc.) -- took on such significance after his death.

It's not that I didn't on rare occasion talk to him about a particular piece of writing he did that I liked -- but these were very rare occasions.

But after the memorial I couldn't help but think how wonderful it would have been for my father if we had had a day when he was still living, which was just focused on fawning over him and the stuff he made.  I think he would have really appreciated that.

So to all of you who have living parents, my suggestion is, find an excuse to fawn over them for a day, and let them know how amazing they are, etc.


One of the best piece of advice I heard for a while. Will certainly do.

IainB

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #32 on: June 29, 2016, 10:18:28 PM »
You are lucky that there are only relatively minor regrets there, @mouser.

There are many who have been much less lucky. There can be a lot of bottled-up stuff in people's lives where they didn't face up to and address issues/problems with their parents whilst they were alive, or didn't (say) show/tell them that they were loved.
Similarly, parents can neglect similar things with their children (it works both ways).
As an example, I know of one adult who described to me that they were categorically told at age 5 or 6 that they were not loved by their parents or family. It had left evidential and permanent personality/character damage that led to theft (probably as a substitute for the much-needed security) by the child when grown up. I absolutely pity that now grown-up child - an adult who craves security and love and yet cannot seem to make an honest, normal loving relationship with anyone, having to scheme and live in a perpetual sense of fear that they will be discovered for what they are, yet unable to change.

I cannot comprehend the blind cruelty of the parents/family that would treat a child so.
These things can mess up a child's head and stay with them on the path into adulthood and to the grave, and if they have children of their own along that path, then they may be prone to unwittingly causing similar problems for those children - it's kind of "psycho-genetic".

Not that change isn't possible, but it takes enormous strength of character for "broken" people to "fix"/change themselves - or even accept that they may need to "fix"/change themselves - and they are usually only able to change if they allow themselves to undergo appropriate psychiatric counselling - e.g., as described in The Road Less Travelled.

I was once among several observers of a therapy session where the "patient" was a young man who held a bitter grudge for the way he had been physically abused (beaten) and ceaselessly put down and belittled by a dominating and brutal father. Then the father died prematurely, and the young man no longer had the opportunity to "have it out" with his father when he grew up. It had left him with an internal seething cauldron of anger and bitterness to have been so badly and unfairly treated by a parent whom he had wanted to love him and protect him.

The therapist sat the patient on a chair, facing an empty armchair, and told him to imagine that it was his father sitting in the armchair, and now he - the son - could tell his father what he had so much wanted to say to him.
And then it all came out. It was an unforgettable experience. It helped the patient enormously too.

Having been brought up in a family where I was loved as the "accidental"/unplanned last baby of 7, I held no idea that other people had not been so lucky, and the sorts of thing I describe above were real eye-openers for me.  Even though I did not know my father well when he died (mother had separated from him due to his alcoholism), she always said what a good husband and father he had been before, and I always felt that he loved me. He would write letters to me and the other children and sometimes send us small but very welcome gifts - Wow! A piece of smelly sulphurous rock from a New Zealand volcanic thermal region! A penknife from the boat he sailed to New Zealand on!. Lifetime treasures.
Me and my next older brother would sometimes be taken to spend time with him.

My only regret is that I didn't get to see more of him and get to know him better, as he died prematurely. I often think of him - and my mother, of course, who raised me on her own. I sometimes wonder what advice my father might have offered to help me in those difficult times in my life when I could have used some fatherly advice. The bits of advice I do recall are spotty - him showing me how to pee at the toilet without spraying all over the place, or how to fish in the sea, or how to row a boat, or how to wear a life-jacket, or how to use a whistle to scare nesting seagulls up from their nesting-places.
« Last Edit: June 29, 2016, 10:48:40 PM by IainB »

erikts

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #33 on: August 30, 2016, 04:37:23 AM »
I am sorry for your lost.

limelect

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #34 on: September 19, 2016, 03:30:46 AM »
Sorry to hear that.
Never have another sorrow.

antekgla

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #35 on: September 19, 2016, 08:22:32 AM »
Late to the thread... I discovered because the newsletter.

Seems like a great guy your dad...
Please accept my heartfelt condolences.
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coderjohn

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #36 on: September 19, 2016, 08:48:41 AM »
Newsletter brought me here, too.  What great words about your father, mouser.  I am very sorry for your loss.  The only nice thing, is that it made me think of my own father, who died several years ago.  Condolences to you and your family.

-john

Ficus strangulensis

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #37 on: September 19, 2016, 08:49:52 AM »
Mouser, please allow me to add my sincere condolences for your loss of your father.

I lost my father, another good man, 10-years ago today and, rather than sorrow for my loss, I now love and appreciate him even more than during his life. Thank you for a wonderful story about your wonderful father. Ficus
mail artist, retired organic chemist

crabby3

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #38 on: September 19, 2016, 08:52:04 AM »
So sorry for your loss, Mouser.

Your father baking bread reminded me of my father baking bread. He passed in '94 but I can still smell the fresh-baked bread cooling on the stove.

Good times!

rkr3

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #39 on: September 19, 2016, 10:51:36 AM »
My condolences.
I can't imagine what it must feel like for you

gonetomorrow

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #40 on: September 19, 2016, 12:51:02 PM »
It's an honor to be in this forum. Thank-you, Mouser. Your Dad is a fine person.

hayamaguchi

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #41 on: September 19, 2016, 06:39:33 PM »
I remember losing my father in 1982.  Like you, I admired him greatly.  My sincere condolences for your personal loss, and may he rest in peace!

davcom

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #42 on: September 20, 2016, 10:10:53 PM »
Deo beat me too it in saying what I felt after having read only your first post Mouser, that you could have copied what you posted and read it at your Dad's funeral and it would have been one of the more succinct and eloquent eulogies that would ever have been heard (not that I have a habit of listening to them mind you ! but heard a few).

Lost my Dad in '91 and your words about a quiet, unassuming but very supportive man came through loud and clear for me. Unlike yours though, who seemed fascinated by random acts of kindness as well as the art of being alive, my Dad did have to put a padlock on his workshop until I learned not to leave his best tools outside gathering rust ! His support though, by age 12, had me building entirely on my own (no help from anyone) a 3 storey hut out of old car packing cases, that with corrugated iron and paint ended up waterproofed and SOLID (brick outhouses weren't built any stronger :) so my construction passed Dad's safety inspection with flying colours and remained on our family property until all of us kids had left home and Mum needed the land for something else  (about 20 years ! Wow.)

The way you've written about him I know that to the day you die, he will not be forgotten, so ... despite your heavy heart and sadness at his passing... he too I feel sure would have felt that what you said, you said very well indeed.

While not entirely on-topic (but that's what being a member of DC does - it gives me links that stretch my mind and takes me to all sorts of informational gems), the way you wrote what you did prompts me to offer the following (because for those coders out there attempting or thinking of attempting coding interaction with the English langauge and it's forms of use this may prove insightful) because nearly all of us have some instinctive (some might say subconciously learned) knowledge of what words to use in our sentences but not why we choose the order that we use, and why is important when coding anything.

** As a 7-year-old boy, J.R.R. Tolkien wrote his first story. When his mother read it, she remarked that his reference to a “green great dragon” was a mistake. Instead, she said, he should have written “great green dragon.” Instinctively we agree with Tolkien’s mother. Yet I have to admit that, until reading Mark Forsyth’s “The Elements of Eloquence,” I had never paused to analyze with any precision the way in which we customarily sequence adjectives. Mr. Forsyth explains that, in English, adjectives follow the pattern opinion-size-age-shape-color-origin-material-purpose—“so you can have a lovely little old rectangular green French silver whittling knife. But if you mess with that word order in the slightest you’ll sound like a maniac.” **
Extracted from a review at : http://www.wsj.com/a...k-forsyth-1414713336

Be warned. There are nuggets of information like the above use of adjectives in that book which is written with good light humour but much of it is best left to academians. :) (Academians are academics who've gone nuts :) )

reynolds_john

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #43 on: September 21, 2016, 07:23:09 PM »
I'm afraid I just got around to reading the forums after quite a long time.

My sincere condolences on your loss. My father is 85, and I worry daily that each day might be the last.

I hope you're healing each day.

Best,

--J

1NR1

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #44 on: September 22, 2016, 05:06:37 PM »
My father told me many times that life is a roller coaster and at the end of the ride there's always some cotton candy. I look at that as a happy thought. Stay tough.  NR

kilele

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #45 on: September 22, 2016, 05:34:24 PM »
Sorry to learn about your loss. Thanks for sharing. Out of curiosity, did you find some odd theory to solve big problems which might work?  :)

brotman

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #46 on: September 24, 2016, 12:02:55 PM »
I am so sorry for your loss!!!


Best regards,
Chuck Brotman
Chuck Brotman

Giampy

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #47 on: September 27, 2016, 02:18:02 PM »
My condolences to Mouser.
"A refrigerator without beer is like a body without soul"

zibala

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #48 on: October 04, 2016, 03:20:31 AM »
To Administrator Mouser.
My Dear Chap,
I was most saddened to read of the passing of your dear pater and praise you for the admiration in which you held him.
I hope the grief at your loss abates with time but urge you to remember him and the life you spent together for as long as you can.
May he rest in peace.
With most sincere condolences from England.

sacruser

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Re: Goodbye to my father
« Reply #49 on: October 07, 2016, 10:25:41 AM »
My dear father has been gone over 20 years and never a day goes by but that I don't think of him and miss him.  Your father sounds like a wonderful man.  My condolences.