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Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 183860 times)

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #300 on: June 30, 2013, 09:49:14 AM »
Quote
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened

You do realize what child Shima was carrying?  >:D

4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #301 on: June 30, 2013, 10:59:48 AM »
Quote
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened

You do realize what child Shima was carrying?  >:D

Are you kidding?

I've been waiting for it since chapter 3  ;D

I'm just surprised it has happened more often, these aliens must have the same ability as the Wamphyri, (Brian Lumleyw), ie. make their 'seed' sterile through force of will.

Starting to get really interesting K.  :Thmbsup:

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #302 on: June 30, 2013, 12:19:08 PM »
Quote
Starting to get really interesting K. 

Glad to hear it!

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #303 on: June 30, 2013, 05:20:01 PM »
Quote
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened

You do realize what child Shima was carrying?  >:D

It would be difficult not to, but unlike 4wd, we do not have a horror pedigree and even our sci-fi is probably pretty old now ;)

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #304 on: June 30, 2013, 07:36:20 PM »
Things are beginning to reach a boiling point of sorts, in the novel. Up until now, I've written it by gut. Now,though, things are complicated enough I'm going to start outlining. I've completed an outline with points [a] through [f] for Chapter 19. Will probably plot several chapters in this manner, so that I have an idea how things are going to mesh-up in the coming chapters. We're on the downhill slope now, so to speak. Less than 40% of this particular novel left to write, even if it is to have a sequel.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #305 on: July 01, 2013, 05:20:11 AM »
Thanks for all the great feedback!!

Quote
What is hynotherapy?

Therapy under hypnosis, sometimes medicated and -- if the trauma to be recalled and worked-through is horrific -- the patient may be immobilized (as with the harnesses in the immersion pods).

It's odd that it's not in any online dictionaries  :-\

mouser

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #306 on: July 01, 2013, 05:54:59 AM »
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #307 on: July 01, 2013, 05:58:25 AM »
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"

It's not in dictionaries, but it is all over the web: http://www.yelp.com/...py-arlington-heights

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #308 on: July 01, 2013, 06:37:30 AM »
OK... I'm back to re-reading from the beginning project...

Chapter 4

Paragraph 13.2 "It’s sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture, and the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole." It's should be 'Its'; tiled implies covering with tiles (maybe?); and the and seems to imply that the grooves are not present at lesser depth? If so, maybe: 'Its sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture. The unmistakable spiral grooves of the huge borer machine that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole.'

Paragraph 13.5 "Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, it continues another eighty meters into the bedrock." I'm not sure if it's just me? But I'd have something like 'Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, the Infrastructure Pole continues another eighty meters into bedrock.'

Paragraph 13.8 "“Probably wouldn't function now, though Sethra voiced." Missing punctuation? '“Probably wouldn't function now, though,” Sethra voiced.'

Paragraph 13.9 "“Actually, they should still be operational,” said Byron. “Any lazy bum of an Engineer,” he glanced at Sethra and winked, “could tell you that there are no onboard electronics. Just safety harnesses for the passengers. There is a mechanical means of detecting descent velocity, which can activate nozzles to spray an impact-absorption foam throughout the cabin. It’s possible that even if one of these things went into free-fall, its passengers would survive the impact.”" Extra quotation mark.

Paragraph 13.13
"The ladder has ten-inch rungs that are tubular except for flattened tops coated in friction material. " Metric ~= 250mm

"But that is only Two Point control and much likelier to lead to a fall." I was sure this was mentioned? Anyway, I'd have 'But that is only Two Point control and much more likely to lead to a fall.' as that's how I, personally, would add emphasis.

Paragraph 13.15 "It’s actually not very dangerous, if you make sure to use the Three Point Control method of ascent." I was going to complain about just not being about ascent, but the documents online just talk about climbing too ;)

Paragraph 13.16 "Assuming the Shaft cameras truly aren’t functioning. Sethra bristled at the idea of leaving Veronee behind, but held his tongue." I wasn't sure about the end of this paragraph... is the italicised Byron's thought? If so, the next sentence could be in its own paragraph?  :-\

Paragraph 13.19 "Are you kidding? I’m a fantastic climber. I could pull myself up that ladder with my hands alone." Do you think that should be 'arms'?

Paragraph 13.26 "The administrator had only succeeded in freeing his hands to deal with the meddlesome group he now watched via the supposedly malfunctioning cameras in the Shaft." Should that be 'The Administrator'?

Paragraph 13.34 "These look almost like some of the heat dissipation units we use in the sewage plant. Or, maybe a more advanced version of some late twentieth century air-conditioning grills." Are they not basically the same thing?

Paragraph 13.35 "is that these filters obviously haven’t been routinely treated to a cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating." Sounds a little clumsy to me, maybe: 'is that these filters obviously have not been serviced: they require routine cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating.'?

Paragraph 13.42 "Sethra stepped down from a railing where he’d been diagnosing the cameras. “These cameras are in perfect working order, which doesn’t surprise me.”" If I was Sethra I think I'd have smiled and waved at the cameras at this point ;)

Paragraph 13.69 "Then, shaking himself, he ran to Veronee, kneeling at her side, and leaning down to peer through her helmet faceplate." I didn't know if that should be 'leaned'?

Paragraph 13.70 "some two meters closer to the center of the creature." Should that be 'body'?


Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #309 on: July 01, 2013, 07:55:59 AM »
Chapter 5

Paragraph 14.3
"Eddie had been perhaps the closest friend he had in the entire A-3 compound." Do you think 'A-3' is necessary here?

"When the administrator lifted his head and his red-rimmed eyes met Brother Truvo’s, the priest cleared his throat and began." Should be 'Administrator'?

Paragraph 14.4 "Fellow compounders, we are gathered together for the grave purpose of saying goodbye to one of our finest, Dr. Eddie Hasser of Medical" Do you think that's necessary? I haven't actually heard a phrase like that in a funeral service (tho' maybe it's blocked by emotion?), anyway, I would have thought: 'Fellow compounders, we are gathered together so say goodbye to one of our finest, Dr. Eddie Hasser of Medical' would suffice?

Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. A-3 is home, now, to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We are going to rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!" It maybe just me? but a couple of word changes makes it read better I think, see what you think: 'Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate will also decline. Currently A-3 is home to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We will rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!'

Paragraph 14.11 "She was level-headed and honest, two qualities the administrator would have prized highly" Should that be 'Administrator'?

Paragraph 14.13 "I asked you three to meet with me for two reasons: one, I trust each of you, thoroughly; two, there are some facts that need discussing among level-headed individuals who are not prone to panic. I trust that my assessment in that regard is accurate for each of you?" I wondered if Mark Shields would have enquired about Michael Covington missing presence in the meeting? I always read 'Shield’s predecessor' in 14.10 as not public knowledge; tho' 14.32 has 'Security Chief Mark Shields', so that implies that he's officially taken the position. Not sure if Covington's death has been made public, even amongst these three, but no other funeral... would have raised questions?

Paragraph 14.17 "gallantly offering her the first opportunity to speak" Should that be 'gallantly offering her the opportunity to speak first,'?

Paragraph 14.36 "Sickbay records confirm body scans showing robotic arms covered in synthflesh." Would 'contain' be better?

Paragraph 14.37 "The administrator went through the same exercise, putting another name on the dry-erase board" Should that be 'Administrator' Also next paragraph?

Paragraph 14.40 "If there had ever been a time for brandy, and in copious supply, this was it" Not sure he'd really think 'copious'? Maybe 'ample'?

Paragraph 14.62 "Two: if there are other aliens in the compound, can we detect them, and what defenses can be put in place covertly for the next time one reveals itself?" I'm not sure that's what he means? Is it not 'covertly detect them before they reveal themselves'? But maybe he's not thought that far??

Also... What is the story of the Gherlin Offensive of 2270? Have I missed an explanation? Six years before the Attack??

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #310 on: July 01, 2013, 08:11:53 AM »
Quote
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"

Good catch, mouser. Fixed.

Now I've got to go through Perry's catches/suggestions (if I can: I just saw his proposed cover image and am blown away it's so good!)

4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #311 on: July 01, 2013, 08:22:59 AM »
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. A-3 is home, now, to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We are going to rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!" It maybe just me? but a couple of word changes makes it read better I think, see what you think: 'Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate will also decline. Currently A-3 is home to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We will rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!'

Not sure about that, the way it's written sounds as if the second sentence should be part of the first, ie.

Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay, our death-rate will also decline.

Better would be to transpose the start and end of the first, the second would then not sound like it's hanging in mid-air, ie.

According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping.  Our death rate will also decline.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #312 on: July 01, 2013, 08:42:29 AM »
Chapter 5

Paragraph 15.6 "And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in A-3 compound." Do you think 'A-3' is superfluous again? Maybe 'And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in the compound.' or 'And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in the A-3 compound.'??

Paragraph 15.22 "Medical proboscises continue to monitor, inject. The robot medic notes that the human bodies it is monitoring show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars. It has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. The robot medic logs: when blood sugar depletion occurs, these biological machines will cease to function. Readouts scroll up a tiny holographic display: Immersions in progress. Variables within tolerances. Estimated time remaining: seventy-two minutes." I was going to complain about the use of 'depletion', but it seems to have a specific medical definition that is stronger than what's in common usage (i.e. complete emptying). But I would consider maybe something like the following that seems more like a log: 'Medical proboscises continue to measure, inject. The robot medic notes that the human bodies it is monitoring show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars, and logs: Biological machines will cease to function when blood sugar is depleted. It has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow or reverse this decrease. Readouts scroll up a tiny holographic display: Immersions in progress. Variables within tolerances. Estimated duration remaining: seventy-two minutes.'

Only two! ;) Must be getting close  :Thmbsup:

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #313 on: July 01, 2013, 08:44:24 AM »
Quote
Also... What is the story of the Gherlin Offensive of 2270? Have I missed an explanation? Six years before the Attack??

You haven't missed an explanation. It's clear from the context that the characters themselves are familiar with the episode. Just another thing the reader hopes to learn more about by reading further.

I noticed I frequently failed to capitalize "Administrator", so I've added an auto-replace rule to keep me from that mistake in the future.

Perry, fantastic proof-reading!!

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #314 on: July 01, 2013, 08:47:59 AM »
Better would be to transpose the start and end of the first, the second would then not sound like it's hanging in mid-air, ie.

According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping.  Our death rate will also decline.

 :Thmbsup: Thank you: it's been a long day :)

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #315 on: July 01, 2013, 08:57:42 AM »
Original post in this thread has been updated with these edits. Online html version also updated.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #316 on: July 01, 2013, 09:51:31 AM »
Chapter 7
Paragraph 16.2 "After Covington’s deception and Sethra’s cryptic audio message, Jim felt sure he was becoming far more scrupulous than he’d ever been before in his half century of life." I'm not sure if this is just because I'm re-reading, but the scrupulous thing bothered me a little after the developments of later chapters. I wondered if it wasn't just becoming more scrupulous, but applying his scruple to areas he hadn't before? Maybe that is 'becoming more scrupulous'?  :-\

Paragraph 16.4 "Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." Understated?

Paragraph 16.5 "It had been stripped of the large motors that drive its undercarriage brushes, creating ample room for a few individuals to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch. This unit’s identification numbers were a match for a unit videotaped entering the power conduit tunnel in just about the correct time-frame, on the evening of the Shaft debacle." videotaped?? Surely not, these guys may not even know what that is? Also I think 'to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch' is not required at this point? I'm not sure 'debacle' is the perfect word? In many senses it was a success...

Paragraph 16.7
"After all, Michael Covington was never willing to submit to standard, routine checkups in Sickbay." I think 'in Sickbay' is superfluous here... he'd never submit to checkups anywhere.

"Once the Medical team finishes its dissection and a slew of biochemical tests, they may have further suggestions to make along those lines." Should that be 'Once the Medical team finishes its dissection and the slew of biochemical tests, they may have further suggestions to make along those lines.'?

Paragraph 16.8 "And consider this: what if these aliens have some ability to control our actions. I dunno, a close-range compulsion, or momentary mind-control. They could then easily turn large numbers of firearms against us." I guess that explains firearm issues in USA?  ;)

Paragraph 16.9 "What I propose" Missing quotation mark: '"What I do propose'...

Paragraph 16.10 "The administrator nodded." Should be 'Administrator'

Paragraph 16.12 "and that’s via descent down the Shaft." It doesn't sound wrong, but it looks wrong (as in tautology)...

Paragraph 16.13 "Mephord scratched another sentence onto an old-fashioned electronic-ink board." It's funny how we use ingrained terminology from much older technology  ;D

Paragraph 16.14 "To be fair to the administrator’s staff" Should be 'Administrator’s'

Paragraph 16.16
"He may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, for all we know. On the other hand, for all we know, the entire race is in regular telepathic communication with one another." Repeated 'for all we know'

"They’ll either do nothing, or else perhaps send an extraction team. Either way, the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign[,] will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats." I don't think that Jamie would have been so exact with only two options after 'too many unknowns'... leaves me thinking what about this, or that, or something else?? I'd add that comma too.

Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #317 on: July 01, 2013, 09:54:19 AM »
Original post in this thread has been updated with these edits. Online html version also updated.

Not that I need to keep the old downloads, but it'd be easier sorting if they were named kyrathaba_20130701 type thing ;)

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #318 on: July 01, 2013, 09:55:07 AM »
Can do.

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #319 on: July 01, 2013, 11:20:22 AM »
Paragraph 16.9 "What I propose" Missing quotation mark: '"What I do propose'...

"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.

Quote
Paragraph 16.12 "and that’s via descent down the Shaft." It doesn't sound wrong, but it looks wrong (as in tautology)...

"...and that's descending via the Shaft."

or

"...and that's a descent via the Shaft."

Quote
"He may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, for all we know. On the other hand, for all we know, the entire race is in regular telepathic communication with one another."

For all we know, he may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, or that the entire race is in regular telepathic communication.

Looking back at this one:
Quote
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. ....

It might be better to split them elsewhere:

"Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping. According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, our death-rate is now declining.
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 11:37:34 AM by 4wd »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #320 on: July 01, 2013, 11:33:40 AM »
Quote
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.

What chapter is that in, please? My editor doesn't show paragraph numbering, and I can't seem to locate it with a search.

Quote
"...and that's descending via the Shaft."

Corrected to above phrasing.

Quote
For all we know, he may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, or that the entire race is in regular telepathic communication.

Fixed.

thanks :)



4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #321 on: July 01, 2013, 11:40:08 AM »
Quote
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.

What chapter is that in, please? My editor doesn't show paragraph numbering, and I can't seem to locate it with a search.

Chapter 7:
What I propose is that we modify certain checkpoints, ....

I was just responding to what I thought was Perry's suggestion to put do in but there is also a missing quote at the start of the line.

4wd

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #322 on: July 01, 2013, 11:52:45 AM »
Chapter 7
Paragraph 16.16
"They’ll either do nothing, or else perhaps send an extraction team. Either way, the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign[,] will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats." I don't think that Jamie would have been so exact with only two options after 'too many unknowns'... leaves me thinking what about this, or that, or something else?? I'd add that comma too.

This is true, I've got four options that immediately spring to mind:

1. do nothing
2. send another infiltrator for intelligence gathering,
   (aliens are unaware of any anti-infiltration measures taken at this point in time)
3. ground assault for material/intelligence gathering and extraction
4. plain old fashioned nuke the bunker
« Last Edit: July 01, 2013, 11:58:44 AM by 4wd »

kyrathaba

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #323 on: July 01, 2013, 12:15:38 PM »
Change made in Ch. 7:

Quote
"So, what if they do notice something’s amiss here? They have multiple responses available: do nothing, send an extraction team, nuke us to oblivion, launch a ground assault. What matters is that the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign, will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats.”

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 48K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #324 on: July 01, 2013, 05:41:18 PM »
Quote
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.

What chapter is that in, please? My editor doesn't show paragraph numbering, and I can't seem to locate it with a search.

Chapter 7:
What I propose is that we modify certain checkpoints, ....

I was just responding to what I thought was Perry's suggestion to put do in but there is also a missing quote at the start of the line.

 :-[ I just thought that 'do' would be in reference with the previous proposal, which he wasn't really proposing. In my head it I guess I had emphasis on the do, but I didn't mark it up that way. I think that's the way I would have said it (but I often sound so wrong ;) )