OK... I'm back to re-reading from the beginning project...Chapter 4
Paragraph 13.2 "It’s
sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture, and
the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled
the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole." It's should be 'Its'; tiled implies covering with tiles (maybe?); and the and seems to imply that the grooves are not present at lesser depth? If so, maybe: 'Its sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture. The unmistakable spiral grooves of the huge borer machine that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole.'
Paragraph 13.5 "Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, it
continues another eighty meters into the
bedrock." I'm not sure if it's just me? But I'd have something like 'Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, the Infrastructure Pole continues another eighty meters into bedrock.'
Paragraph 13.8 "“Probably wouldn't function now, though”
Sethra voiced." Missing punctuation? '“Probably wouldn't function now, though,” Sethra voiced.'
Paragraph 13.9 "“Actually, they should still be operational,” said Byron. “Any lazy bum of an Engineer,” he glanced at Sethra and winked, “could tell you that there are no onboard electronics. Just safety harnesses for the passengers. “
There is a mechanical means of detecting descent velocity, which can activate nozzles to spray an impact-absorption foam throughout the cabin. It’s possible that even if one of these things went into free-fall, its passengers would survive the impact.”" Extra quotation mark.
"The ladder has ten-inch
rungs that are tubular except for flattened tops coated in friction material. " Metric ~= 250mm
"But that is only Two Point control and much likelier
to lead to a fall." I was sure this was mentioned? Anyway, I'd have 'But that is only Two Point control and much more likely to lead to a fall.' as that's how I, personally, would add emphasis.
Paragraph 13.15 "It’s actually not very dangerous, if you make sure to use the Three Point Control method of ascent
." I was going to complain about just not being about ascent, but the documents online just talk about climbing too
Paragraph 13.16 "Assuming the Shaft cameras truly aren’t functioning.
Sethra bristled at the idea of leaving Veronee behind, but held his tongue." I wasn't sure about the end of this paragraph... is the italicised Byron's thought? If so, the next sentence could be in its own paragraph?
Paragraph 13.19 "Are you kidding? I’m a fantastic climber. I could pull myself up that ladder with my hands
alone." Do you think that should be 'arms'?
Paragraph 13.26 "The administrator
had only succeeded in freeing his hands to deal with the meddlesome group he now watched via the supposedly malfunctioning cameras in the Shaft." Should that be 'The Administrator'?
Paragraph 13.34 "These look almost like some of the heat dissipation units
we use in the sewage plant. Or, maybe a more advanced version of some late twentieth century air-conditioning grills
." Are they not basically the same thing?
Paragraph 13.35 "is that these filters obviously haven’t been routinely treated to a cleansing
and reapplication of the absorption coating." Sounds a little clumsy to me, maybe: 'is that these filters obviously have not been serviced: they require routine cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating.'?
Paragraph 13.42 "Sethra stepped down from a railing where he’d been diagnosing the cameras. “These cameras are in perfect working order, which doesn’t surprise me.”" If I was Sethra I think I'd have smiled and waved at the cameras at this point
Paragraph 13.69 "Then, shaking himself, he ran to Veronee, kneeling at her side, and leaning
down to peer through her helmet faceplate." I didn't know if that should be 'leaned'?
Paragraph 13.70 "some two meters closer to the center
of the creature." Should that be 'body'?