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Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 183625 times)

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #250 on: June 26, 2013, 09:56:06 AM »
Going to mow yard, and then eat lunch with my father. Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #251 on: June 26, 2013, 09:58:01 AM »
Chapter 2
Paragraph 11.3 "The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively, the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound, and the security area leading to the sole tunnel that eventually gave onto the vertical shaft leading to the surface." I'm not totally sure about this, but see what you think: 'The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively: the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound and the security area leading to the sole tunnel, which eventually leads to the vertical shaft leading to the surface.'

Paragraph 11.5 "Their backs were to the two men seated at the card table twenty feet away." Metric ~= 6 metres (though you write 'meters')

Paragraph 11.5 "as they watched a pair of tiny sea-horses cavorting around and through the holes in a coral reef replica." sea-horses is generally written 'seahorses' according to WikiPedia. Concerning the population of the tank, I found this interesting: "Animals sold as "freshwater seahorses" are usually the closely related pipefish, of which a few species live in the lower reaches of rivers. The supposed true "freshwater seahorse" called H. aimei was not a real species, but a name sometimes used for Barbour's and Hedgehog seahorses. The latter is a species that can be found in brackish waters, but not actually a freshwater fish."

Paragraph 11.5 "Zebra fish, some of them genetically modified glowers, darted to and fro." Did you mean Zebrafish?

Paragraph 11.6 "Finally, satisfied, he slipped off a rather special ring and laid it on the table, then went over to a vending machine and spent five credits on a deck of playing cards and a set of poker chips." Remembering the groups later struggle to come to grips with the use of money, maybe 'used five credits to get...' would be more reflective?

Paragraph 11.8 "I mean, here we are at the end of our racial rope, dying like poisoned rats in a maze, and yet someone’s worried about what other people are saying?" They don't poison rats and put them in a maze, do they?? What about rats trapped on a sinking ship?

Paragraph 11.9 "He’s taking precautions to prevent a ‘poor outcome.’” Should be 'poor outcome'."?

Paragraph 11.11 "Sethra, stacking poker chips of different values into piles" Would 'denominations' be better?

Paragraph 11.17 "In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades hung from the other side of his belt, opposite the gun’s holster." Not totally sure about this, but wondered about something like: 'In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades, which hung from his belt on the opposite side to the gun’s holster.'

Paragraph 11.18 "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console. " he sent out via just doesn't sound right to me... Would you consider something like: 'Covington depressed a button on the communications console, "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol there?”' But it may just be me ;)

Paragraph 11.20 "There is one anomaly to report" Am I right in thinking that Matteo was killed because he identified the anomalies caused by the radiation disc non-maintenance? Covington seemed to have planned to kill him previously (though the “Damn it!” in 11.54 seems to indicate that he was hoping he would have forgotten), so there must have been previous anomalies that he'd discovered... so I didn't know if it would have been better to have a clue in there somewhere, like 'one more anomaly' or 'another anomaly'?

And if that was the non-maintenance, would not the bulkhead been opened?

What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so?? I was assuming that the communications would have been saved, and therefore needing deleting??

Paragraph 11.24 "It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him, socially, in over a month." Socially doesn't seem right... or am I just thinking it's general society type social? Could it just be 'It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him in over a month.'? I'm not sure what value 'socially' adds??

Paragraph 11.29 "Around the card table, the four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes." I wondered if it should be 'the' because they were already introduced earlier in 11.23??

Paragraph 11.29 "but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security... So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool." Those two bits don't really agree... what about: 'but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to flank the group and provide interference if required...' (how's that for a non-american? ;) )

Paragraph 11.30 "but also facilitates the actual transfer of the consciousness into the simulation." Should it be 'the' consciousness, as referring to the user's consciousness rather than general??

Paragraph 11.35 "or we might as well wave a flag and say ‘Here we are!’" I think there's a missing comma: "or we might as well wave a flag and say, ‘Here we are!’"??

Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”  I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'

Paragraph 11.56 "He received an acknowledgment signal from android A32N-6, in response to which he flipped a switch causing the security cameras in that corridor to continue to increment their chronograph but to loop the past five seconds of video until he toggled again." I'm thinking that a security system would not have a simple switch to do the opposite of what it's designed to do? What would the [built in] purpose of a looping video + incrementing time? Seems like something that would have to be implemented surreptitiously?

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #252 on: June 26, 2013, 10:02:32 AM »
Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.

When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #253 on: June 26, 2013, 10:49:22 AM »
Quote
When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).

Aaahhh... That's delightful. Well, feed her Ch. 16. That will curb the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I'll try to put up Ch 17. tonight or early tomorrow.

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #254 on: June 26, 2013, 05:08:43 PM »
Thanks! Made many corrections.

My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?

Quote
The software not only creates a continuous reality for users to experience, but also facilitates the actual transfer of consciousness into the simulation.



Quote
Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”  I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'

They should have been more careful. Byron's more seat of the pants than Sethra, and figured the question was general enough not to implicate them.



Quote
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??

Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2013, 05:15:12 PM by kyrathaba »

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #255 on: June 26, 2013, 05:46:24 PM »
Thanks! Made many corrections.

My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?


OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

 :-[ Difficult when it updates and you're in the middle of reading. If we were working on a GoogleDoc (or other auto-update) it wouldn't matter ;)


Quote
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??

Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.

I figured that would have to be the case, but thought that those facts could have worked their way into the story to help the reader more. For example I would have thought that Matteo would have had a big question over all the chiming about official / work issues during his interaction with the security chief?

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #256 on: June 26, 2013, 08:20:28 PM »
Quote
Matteo would have had a big question over all the chiming about official / work issues during his interaction with the security chief?

He probably wondered. However, Covington's first words after switching to private chime was something along the lines of "How you holding up, buckeroo?" A friendly, private inquiry, perhaps a private indication that Matteo is a favorite of his. That would have to some extent allayed Matteo's suspicion.

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #257 on: June 26, 2013, 08:21:28 PM »
Quote
Difficult when it updates and you're in the middle of reading. If we were working on a GoogleDoc (or other auto-update) it wouldn't matter

For my next book, perhaps we could find a free Tortoise SVN repository hosting site that allows multiple download-only users.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2013, 09:57:16 PM by kyrathaba »

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #258 on: June 26, 2013, 10:29:57 PM »
A quick run through chapter 16, kind of getting caught up in other things atm.

Chapter 16:
Quote
Her chime containd only two pieces of information: her location, and an urgent request for him to come immediately.

contained

Quote
The tech turned crimson; she hadn’t realized the pickup sensitivity of the mic Dr. Ericson wore.

I think you could drop 'pickup'.

The tech turned crimson; she hadn’t realized the sensitivity of the mic Dr. Ericson wore.

Quote
He’d seen divers suffer decompression benz, and didn’t ever want to experience it.

I believe it's decompression sickness or the bends.

Quote
We’ll secure the tunnel on our end, as a precaution.

50/50

We’ll secure the tunnel at our end, as a precaution.

Quote
“Still, we don’t want to allow free access to our cavern to these creatures just yet.”

“Still, we don’t want to allow free access to our cavern by these creatures just yet.”

Quote
And the implications this will have for us as deep dwellers, survivors from the surface.

Feels like it's unfinished starting with 'And', perhaps if it's meant to be an exclamation possibly drop the 'And', and seeing it's an exciting moment you could probably get away with an exclamation mark at the end which would finalise it.

Quote
The most likely source of all that water is the river flowing through this cavern. Not only does it rush powerfully along its main channel, but it’s the likeliest source of whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath the cavern.

Possibly just me but these two sentences seem slightly garbled in my brain, especially the second - it may be the duplicated likely|likeliest that somehow makes me reference the second back to the first.

« Last Edit: June 26, 2013, 11:00:46 PM by 4wd »

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #259 on: June 27, 2013, 12:53:10 AM »
I'm reading the HTML...

Quote
and I’ve got someone tracking down Dr. Pilsner down by the geothermal infrastructure construction site

Extra 'down'

Quote
It began to scoot centimeter by centimeter toward Grant’s position, sphere still held out in its palm.

Do you mean 'scoot', which implies some speed, or edge | crab?

Quote
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.

After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam' ;)

Quote
“If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
Emphasis? “If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.

4wd

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #260 on: June 27, 2013, 01:30:08 AM »
Quote
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.

After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam' ;)

Then it turned and propelled itself gracefully through the water towards the tunnel opening.  Grant, who hadn't yet seen the back of the creature, then noted that his earlier presumption regarding the creature's dorsel fin was correct, it did run the full length of its back.  
Being silly again
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.


Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #261 on: June 27, 2013, 02:10:35 AM »

Then it turned and propelled itself gracefully through the water towards the tunnel opening.  Grant, who hadn't yet seen the back of the creature, then noted that his earlier presumption regarding the creature's dorsel fin was correct, it did run the full length of its back. 

Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?

4wd

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #262 on: June 27, 2013, 02:48:14 AM »
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?

I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours  ;D

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #263 on: June 27, 2013, 04:12:40 AM »
Chapter 16
Paragraph 25.6 "Sweat broke out of Ericson’s forehead" Should be 'on'?

Paragraph 25.36 "He could see Dr. Ericson approaching from the diving control console fifty meters distant." 'dive command console' in 25.2

Paragraph 25.38 "where a pair of robots was installing a lockable metallic grille over the entrance to the tunnel" Was is probably right, but it sounds wrong to me :(

Paragraph 25.42 "You have discovered another intelligent humanoid species, where humanity has always thought we were alone in that regard. And the implications this will have for us as deep dwellers, survivors from the surface. If we can build friendly relations with these creatures, perhaps in time learn to live in symbiosis with them..." Agree with 4wd... doesn't feel like a sentence. Maybe joining? '"You have discovered another intelligent humanoid species, where humanity has always thought we were alone in that regard. The implications this will have for us as deep dwellers if we can build friendly relations with these creatures, and, perhaps in time, learn to live in symbiosis with them..."'  :-\  Symbiosis didn't feel quite right at this point, but couldn't think of another word, so maybe it is??

Paragraph 25.43 "The most likely source of all that water is the river flowing through this cavern. Not only does it rush powerfully along its main channel, but it’s the likeliest source of whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath the cavern." Agree with 4wd again... too many likelies :) 'It’s very typical for submerged caves to be interlinked, sometimes in quite a complex fashion; which means this river is the source, not only for that cavern, but also whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath this cavern.'

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #264 on: June 27, 2013, 04:16:21 AM »
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?

I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours  ;D

 :-\ I was just thinking no waste products / nothing going in / no fear of being eaten  ;)

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #265 on: June 27, 2013, 05:05:45 AM »
Chapter 16
Paragraph 25.38 "where a pair of robots was installing a lockable metallic grille over the entrance to the tunnel" Was is probably right, but it sounds wrong to me :(

Should be were, I think.

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #266 on: June 27, 2013, 05:12:52 AM »
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.

That would have to be relief, surely?

I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours  ;D

 :-\ I was just thinking no waste products / nothing going in / no fear of being eaten  ;)

Ah well, from a steady diet of horror, SciFi and similar material for the last 40 years, I'd immediately think: Short lifespan due to internal build up of waste products finally causing catastrophic rupturing of the organism possibly resulting in nearby organisms being covered in a mess of internal organs and fecal matter.  If said explosion happened underwater it could prove fatal to nearby organisms.

See, I said my imagination was stranger :)

I think I'll stop at this point before Mr. K decides I'm a total nutcase and is better off not listening to me.

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #267 on: June 27, 2013, 09:31:09 AM »
Continuing my reading from the beginning, using 'late_afternoon_June26'...  

Chapter 3
Paragraph 12.3:
"and not in any industry even before the Attack" Elsewhere 'The Attack'; Actually: 10.32 has 'the attack', 15.2, 17.48, 19.4, 22.28, 22.29 also has 'the Attack'

"and in other areas where the safety of humans couldn’t be assured to a high degree." Do you think that is a tautology?

"In the years the A-3 community had been sequestered here, the only deaths had occurred as a result of illness - never accident." I'm finding this one clumsy to read too... would you consider something like 'illness was the sole cause of death -- never accident.'

Paragraph 12.36 "He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna." Wondering if this could be made a little more efficient: 'He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it, satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna.' or if you want some waiting... 'He flicked a switch on a remote control fob. An indicator light next to the antenna began to illuminate; when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow he pocketed it.'  :-\

Paragraph 12.37 "Sethra and Eddie shared their suspicions about Security Chief Michael Covington with the other three, who were equally chagrined with the revelations produced by Sethra’s data mining." Do you think 'chagrined' is strong enough? I'm thinking it'd evoke more shock / awe / appalled?

Paragraph 12.38 "“Son of a gun won’t even submit to regular medical checkups, as required by A-3 protocol,” huffed Eddie." I didn't know this about 'son of a gun'! But I wonder if it's a little too mild in this situation?

Paragraph 12.39 "“Because,” ventured Zuzana, “he believes he’s covered his tracks thoroughly, and that there’s nothing forensics can discover that would indict him.”" Is indict right? Or would implicate be more accurate?

Paragraph 12.43 "can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to thirty centimeters of steel or twenty-three centimeters of ceramal alloy." Does he mean '...seconds in duration, and will cut...', as it stands it sounds like it takes the full 1.8 seconds to get through the materials quoted? I'd think a small hole takes less time than a big hole?

Paragraph 12.45 "So, there’ll be room enough for us to [all] squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch." Should that be 'the'? How many are there?? I wonder if the addition of 'all' strengthens the idea of them all in the space, not just squeezing through the hatch? Actually 16.5 has "creating ample room for a few individuals to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch"... so it sounds like the squeeze is through the hatch? So maybe, to stop this confusion, it could be 'So, there'll be room enough for us all inside, after squeezing through the maintenance hatch.'?

Paragraph 12.46 "the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting, that sort of thing." This is maybe nothing, but I'd punctuate this as ' the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting... that sort of thing.'

Paragraph 12.58 "Once the vehicle’s access hatch closed, the unit accelerated smoothly down the corridor." Previously 'maintenance hatch' in 12.45, 16.5

Paragraph 12.59 "They could vaguely see one another because of some small internal lights inside their unconventional transport." Do you think this implies supplied lighting (which wouldn't be)? Maybe this is meant: 'They could vaguely see one another in the light spill from the internal electronics of their unconventional transport.'

Paragraph 12.65 "and took pleasure in her own loss of control." Is 'own' required? With it in it implies his 'loss of control', which he doesn't seem to do?

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #268 on: June 27, 2013, 10:06:07 AM »
Fantastic, Perry and 4wd. Invaluable! I've made the changes, and will upload as 4wd_Perry_Jun27.zip

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #269 on: June 27, 2013, 11:01:40 AM »
I'm gonna have to be careful what I write here in future  :-\



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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #270 on: June 27, 2013, 11:29:59 AM »
^ LOL. He said "anus".

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #271 on: June 27, 2013, 01:06:17 PM »
I have begun working on Chapter 17...

kyrathaba

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #272 on: June 27, 2013, 09:09:21 PM »
The manuscript now includes Chapter 17. The e-reader formats, epub and mobi, are downloadable from the original post in this thread as a zip archive. The manuscript is also available in HTML format from a link in the original post.

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Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #273 on: June 27, 2013, 09:26:09 PM »
BTW, you still have Glen Forkovian as the creator in content.opf:

Quote
<dc:creator opf:role="aut" opf:file-as="Forkovian, Glen">Glen Forkovian</dc:creator>

Also, you've created quite a little mystery there with:

Quote
He noted the creature seemed to have no anus.

and

Quote
There was a burst of water bubbles, like those produced by an Underwater Propulsion Device.

 ;D

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Re: 46K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in September
« Reply #274 on: June 27, 2013, 09:39:28 PM »
Quote
BTW, you still have Glen Forkovian as the creator in content.opf:

Fixed it. You'll see the change in my next upload.