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Last post Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!  (Read 183910 times)

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #150 on: June 21, 2013, 05:04:16 AM »
Sandi's really enjoying this BTW :)

Chapter 3:
Page 12.2 "Byron’s robot crawler had installed all over the compound, in miles and miles of wiring within conduit pipes" Metric... you are worried about imperial?

Page 12.3 " Nobody had died in A-3 in the years they’d all been sequestered here, except through illness. Until now." I think needs review...

Page 12.14 "that meant Eddie had to be very careful of what he said" Missing 'of'?

Page 12.15 Eddie says "I’m sure he’s working double-time to parse out the actual sequence of events" would a medical man say 'parse'? Maybe triage, or even sort??

Page 12.42 "can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to twelve inches of steel or nine of ceramal alloy." Metric... 300mm and 229mm


kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #151 on: June 21, 2013, 06:21:23 AM »
Hey Perry, let me know if you're ok with Pierre Maybrow as the steward's name.

@4wd: I'll implement your finds this morning.

Found a couple of small thing in Ch 13 that need attention.

kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #152 on: June 21, 2013, 06:25:52 AM »
Someone asked about whether there'd be pictures in the novel. If some talented artist wants to contribute b&w sketches that look good @ small res (100 x 100 or close to it), I'm game!

kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #153 on: June 21, 2013, 07:29:37 AM »
4wd: your suggested corrections have now been implemented, and will appear in the next upload, probably when I finish Ch. 14.

Thanks!

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #154 on: June 21, 2013, 07:39:06 AM »
Hey Perry, let me know if you're ok with Pierre Maybrow as the steward's name.


Not Warmboy? If it has to be...  ;)

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #155 on: June 21, 2013, 07:40:48 AM »
Are you converting to metric (or should I stop looking)?

Sandi's really enjoying this BTW :)

Chapter 3:
Page 12.2 "Byron’s robot crawler had installed all over the compound, in miles and miles of wiring within conduit pipes" Metric... you are worried about imperial?

Page 12.3 " Nobody had died in A-3 in the years they’d all been sequestered here, except through illness. Until now." I think needs review...

Page 12.14 "that meant Eddie had to be very careful of what he said" Missing 'of'?

Page 12.15 Eddie says "I’m sure he’s working double-time to parse out the actual sequence of events" would a medical man say 'parse'? Maybe triage, or even sort??

Page 12.42 "can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to twelve inches of steel or nine of ceramal alloy." Metric... 300mm and 229mm



kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #156 on: June 21, 2013, 08:04:34 AM »
Thanks Perry. Corrections made and will appear in next upload, probably when Ch. 14 is added.

Tell Sandi I'm thrilled that she's enjoying it, and that I hope she'll word-of-mouth it to her friends when it hits Amazon and other outlets.

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #157 on: June 21, 2013, 08:57:57 AM »
Tell Sandi I'm thrilled that she's enjoying it, and that I hope she'll word-of-mouth it to her friends when it hits Amazon and other outlets.

I hope it's not just the way I'm reading it  ;) ;D

kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #158 on: June 21, 2013, 09:26:54 AM »
I'll bet you are an excellent narrator. Would love an mp3 of you reading the book (well, I can dream can't I?)
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 10:49:57 AM by kyrathaba »

kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #159 on: June 21, 2013, 01:39:09 PM »
Perry,

Yes, I want to stay with metric units, except when in the Land of Kyrathaba.

I've written chapter 14 and am previewing it on my tablet's Kindle app, looking for problems. Should have it uploaded within the hour.

kyrathaba

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Re: 34K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #160 on: June 21, 2013, 02:45:58 PM »
I've reworked the first half of Ch. 13, and feel it is much better now. Chapter 14 has been added. Suggest that those following this novel's development re-read Ch 13 and then read Ch 14. See the OP for mobi and epub download, or read it online here.

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #161 on: June 21, 2013, 03:39:02 PM »
I'm about 49% of the way to my goal of an eighty-thousand word novel.  :)

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #162 on: June 21, 2013, 04:09:13 PM »
Chapter 14 correction to be uploaded when Ch. 15 is completed:


This pool began nineteen meters away from the one he’d dived yesterday, which had proven to be go no deeper than four meters and to be completely uninteresting.

Removed the word "go".

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #163 on: June 21, 2013, 06:49:33 PM »
I've uploaded a new zip file in the OP, and new files to the online HTML version. Both contains tweaks to Ch. 14 that I think make it better.

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #164 on: June 21, 2013, 08:05:15 PM »
Found the following typo in Ch. 14:

He pushed off the stalactite and slowly paddled parallel the the floor of the pool, feeding out cable sparingly by using the reel’s adjustable drag.

Corrected it: parallel to the floor...

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #165 on: June 21, 2013, 08:12:47 PM »
Found conflicting descriptors:

Less than a meter from his right hand sat an albino crayfish, a big one. And in one claw it held what remained of its meal of cave cricket. He zoomed in with the videocorder.
“Holy crap!” Jaimie breathed over the radio waves.
“My thought, exactly,” Grant said calmly. “He sure is a whopper, isn’t he? Look at the spread of its uropod, Jaimie. He’s well-fed.” His camera paused video recording to take several closeup snapshots of the creature. It was red and had a bumpy exoskeleton.

4wd

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #166 on: June 22, 2013, 08:10:37 AM »
Chapter 13:
Quote
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.

Possibly:

There was a wooden table upon which sat some sort of playback device.  The voices, to which he'd been raptly listening, emanated loudly from it.

Quote
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.

I think vaporized is more correct of a nuclear explosion, dissolved usually means "to a liquid state".  I guess it depends how you want to interpret dissolve though, (eg. vanish):

All of the equipment in the chamber was vaporized in the blast, as was Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.

Chapter 14:
Quote
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.

This might just be a difference in American/English colloquialism but we'd say:

That was flat out zippy for a diver in full gear.

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #167 on: June 22, 2013, 09:20:32 AM »
Changed cover image. See OP. The small image links to a larger one. Decided not to go with a pseudonym.

Ath

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #168 on: June 22, 2013, 09:26:57 AM »
Decided not to go with a pseudonym.
The on-line version currently still has the pseudonym, I guess ;)

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #169 on: June 22, 2013, 09:59:44 AM »
^ Yes, Ath, the pseudonym will disappear when I upload all versions (epub, mobi, html) of the book once completing Ch. 15.

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #170 on: June 22, 2013, 06:12:12 PM »
About distance measurements in Land of Kyrathaba, the place that Sethra, Byron, Veronee and Zuzana went before their biological bodies died:

In the ‘real’ world, on Earth, 2283 AD, the metric system is universally used.
However, in the Land of Kyrathaba, the metric system is a foreign concept. Their unit of measurement for length/distance is derived from the Chit Coin, minted in Castle Vorrick. The Chit Coin is 3 cm in diameter (not that the Kyrathabans think of it as 3 cm in width). So, when describing relatively short distances/lengths, the locals might, for example, say, “Oh, I’d say the length of the quarterstaff my son needs would be about fifty chits.” Or, “The tiny lock on the ornamental box was only one-third of a chit wide.”

For longer distances, they make use of the “trade box”. A trade box is used in banking, by the royal mint, and by merchants and caravan masters. It’s a wooden or metal box that, unless empty, is almost always locked. It has interior space that perfectly fits exactly five columns by seven rows of Chit Coins, each stacked twenty-five coins high. That’s 5 x 7 x 25 coins, or  875 Chit Coins. When someone says, “The mill is about one trade-box from here...”, what they mean is the distance those 875 Chit Coins would extend, if placed end-to-end. Since a Chit Coin is 3.0 cm in diameter, that’s 875 x 3.0 cm = 2,625 centimeters, or 26.25 meters, about 86 feet. You’ll sometimes hear archers discussing a shot that they made at prey: “oh, it must have been more than a trade box away, and moving fast, but I brought it down alright!”

For even larger distances, the term “trade chest” is used. A trade chest contains room for a 5 by 4 placement of trade boxes, stacked four boxes high. That’s 5 x 4 x 4 = 80 trade boxes, each containing 875 Chit Coins. Therefore, a trade chest contains 875 x 80 Chit Coins, or 70,000 Chit Coins! Placed adjacent to one another in a straight line, that many Chit Coins would extend 210,000 centimeters, or 2,100 meters, about 6,890 feet, or 1.3 miles. “Let’s rest the horses. We’ve still many trade chests to ride before dark...”

Interestingly, the programmers of Land of Kyrathaba had a completely different system of measurement defined, but King Molech changed it! He envisions growing a large empire as he gradually expands inland from the coast, most probably along both sides of the Gray River. He wants it to be a very wealthy kingdom where that wealth is measured in units of his definition, which only his Treasurer can mint. Hence, his overruling of the default programming (bear in mind King Molech is himself programmed, but as an extremely sophisticated bit of AI).

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #171 on: June 22, 2013, 06:52:37 PM »
Thanks 4wd. Implemented:

Quote
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.

Possibly:

There was a wooden table upon which sat some sort of playback device.  The voices, to which he'd been raptly listening, emanated loudly from it.

Quote
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.

I think vaporized is more correct of a nuclear explosion, dissolved usually means "to a liquid state".  I guess it depends how you want to interpret dissolve though, (eg. vanish):

All of the equipment in the chamber was vaporized in the blast, as was Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.

Chapter 14:
Quote
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.

This might just be a difference in American/English colloquialism but we'd say:

That was flat out zippy for a diver in full gear.

kyrathaba

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #172 on: June 22, 2013, 09:12:42 PM »
New upload in OP. Chapter 15 now added to novel. Also available online (see link in OP).

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #173 on: June 23, 2013, 01:49:14 AM »
Just thought I'd let you know that I was very heartened / impressed that on a number of occasions Sandi broke into spontaneous laughter at some of the funny bits... we are enjoying the read  :) 

Perry Mowbray

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Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October
« Reply #174 on: June 23, 2013, 04:20:24 AM »
sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not definite issues, just questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)

Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things that are to stay just between us.'

Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as almost opposites: panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.

Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth." I think the first sentence feels unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles, it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'

Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation), and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?

Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had to look them up (thank you :) ) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific research itself was not the main goal of the mission." Wikipedia

Page 15.22
"These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the robots are not monitoring any others??

"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word  :(

Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours.'

Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??

"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced, without any exceptions, would be a significant step toward detection.'

Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through."  ;) 'They could be modified to weigh each individual as he, she or it passes through.'

Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders his statement...

Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?

Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format :) Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared ;)

Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?

Page 17.16 "set in the mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?

Page 17.22 "His voiced rationale hadn’t yet seemed to make much headway" maybe: 'His voiced rationale hadn’t made much headway yet, it seemed,'

Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality ;)