I've had this hanging around my hard drives for a while, thought I'd share. It's been posted in various revisions elsewhere on the net, but here's my version that I've taken some liberties with:
RULES FOR THE BLUES
1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest face in town (2x). Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch: You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broke-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound Bus or a Southbound Train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.
7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anywhere that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg runnin' from the law cause you shot a man in Memphis is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
- empty bed
- bottom of a whiskey glass
- cricket matches
- gallery openings
- Ivy League institutions
- golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
- your first name is a southern State
- you're blind
- you shot a man in Memphis
- your woman can't be satisfied
- you were once blind but now can see
- you hold elected office
- you have a retirement plan or trust fund
- your woman CAN be satisfied
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people have permission to sing the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
- cheap wine
- bad whiskey
- muddy water
- black coffee
- mixed drinks
- kosher wine
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
16. Roll your own Blues name (starter kit):
For example; Blind Lemon Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
- First name: name of a physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
- Middle name: none, or name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
- Last name: last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
17. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
My new Blues name is Clubfoot Banana Clinton.