Messages

76

Living Room / Re: 43K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 26, 2013, 10:02 AM »

Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.

-kyrathaba (June 26, 2013, 09:56 AM)

When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).

77

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 26, 2013, 09:58 AM »

Chapter 2
Paragraph 11.3 "The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively, the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound, and the security area leading to the sole tunnel that eventually gave onto the vertical shaft leading to the surface." I'm not totally sure about this, but see what you think: 'The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively: the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound and the security area leading to the sole tunnel, which eventually leads to the vertical shaft leading to the surface.'

Paragraph 11.5 "Their backs were to the two men seated at the card table twenty feet away." Metric ~= 6 metres (though you write 'meters')

Paragraph 11.5 "as they watched a pair of tiny sea-horses cavorting around and through the holes in a coral reef replica." sea-horses is generally written 'seahorses' according to WikiPedia. Concerning the population of the tank, I found this interesting: "Animals sold as "freshwater seahorses" are usually the closely related pipefish, of which a few species live in the lower reaches of rivers. The supposed true "freshwater seahorse" called H. aimei was not a real species, but a name sometimes used for Barbour's and Hedgehog seahorses. The latter is a species that can be found in brackish waters, but not actually a freshwater fish."

Paragraph 11.5 "Zebra fish, some of them genetically modified glowers, darted to and fro." Did you mean Zebrafish?

Paragraph 11.6 "Finally, satisfied, he slipped off a rather special ring and laid it on the table, then went over to a vending machine and spent five credits on a deck of playing cards and a set of poker chips." Remembering the groups later struggle to come to grips with the use of money, maybe 'used five credits to get...' would be more reflective?

Paragraph 11.8 "I mean, here we are at the end of our racial rope, dying like poisoned rats in a maze, and yet someone’s worried about what other people are saying?" They don't poison rats and put them in a maze, do they?? What about rats trapped on a sinking ship?

Paragraph 11.9 "He’s taking precautions to prevent a ‘poor outcome.’” Should be 'poor outcome'."?

Paragraph 11.11 "Sethra, stacking poker chips of different values into piles" Would 'denominations' be better?

Paragraph 11.17 "In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades hung from the other side of his belt, opposite the gun’s holster." Not totally sure about this, but wondered about something like: 'In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades, which hung from his belt on the opposite side to the gun’s holster.'

Paragraph 11.18 "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console. " he sent out via just doesn't sound right to me... Would you consider something like: 'Covington depressed a button on the communications console, "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol there?”' But it may just be me

Paragraph 11.20 "There is one anomaly to report" Am I right in thinking that Matteo was killed because he identified the anomalies caused by the radiation disc non-maintenance? Covington seemed to have planned to kill him previously (though the “Damn it!” in 11.54 seems to indicate that he was hoping he would have forgotten), so there must have been previous anomalies that he'd discovered... so I didn't know if it would have been better to have a clue in there somewhere, like 'one more anomaly' or 'another anomaly'?

And if that was the non-maintenance, would not the bulkhead been opened?

What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so?? I was assuming that the communications would have been saved, and therefore needing deleting??

Paragraph 11.24 "It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him, socially, in over a month." Socially doesn't seem right... or am I just thinking it's general society type social? Could it just be 'It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him in over a month.'? I'm not sure what value 'socially' adds??

Paragraph 11.29 "Around the card table, the four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes." I wondered if it should be 'the' because they were already introduced earlier in 11.23??

Paragraph 11.29 "but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security... So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool." Those two bits don't really agree... what about: 'but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to flank the group and provide interference if required...' (how's that for a non-american? )

Paragraph 11.30 "but also facilitates the actual transfer of the consciousness into the simulation." Should it be 'the' consciousness, as referring to the user's consciousness rather than general??

Paragraph 11.35 "or we might as well wave a flag and say ‘Here we are!’" I think there's a missing comma: "or we might as well wave a flag and say, ‘Here we are!’"??

Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”  I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'

Paragraph 11.56 "He received an acknowledgment signal from android A32N-6, in response to which he flipped a switch causing the security cameras in that corridor to continue to increment their chronograph but to loop the past five seconds of video until he toggled again." I'm thinking that a security system would not have a simple switch to do the opposite of what it's designed to do? What would the [built in] purpose of a looping video + incrementing time? Seems like something that would have to be implemented surreptitiously?

78

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 26, 2013, 07:51 AM »

Chapter 1
Paragraph 10.2 "Sethra tuned out, as he frequently did in these weekly meetings, and accessed his implant by sending the sound of subvocalized words transmitting through the bones of his face, where they were picked up, filtered, and recorded by his implant." Is 'sending' the right word? i.e. sending where? Should it be 'subvocalizing his words, which transmits the sounds through the bones of his face, ...'??

Paragraph 10.4 "The old man isn’t looking so hot, himself Sethra decided." Should that be 'The old man isn’t looking so hot himself, Sethra decided.'

Paragraph 10.6 "And administrator, a goodly fraction of the remaining survivors are either children" Should that be 'And Administrator'?

Paragraph 10.6 "I’m telling you, you’re plan is too little, and much too late." Should be 'your'

Paragraph 10.6 "If those surviving four hundred don’t include the best of our medical staff, then I’d give us no more than nine months from today before we’re dead in the water, maybe a couple or three dozen unlucky ones still clinging to life but unable to help themselves or anyone else!" I'd add the punctuation 'life, but'

Paragraph 10.8 “Resume dictation. Dr. Hasser has his head on straight, and the Administrator has his head in the clouds, perhaps saying hello to the aliens, if they’re still up there, and politely and charmingly asking for their help in ‘Project Moving Deeper.’” Should be ‘Project Moving Deeper’."

Paragraph 10.8 "The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall. Showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts." Would that run better as one sentence? 'The oversized data flatscreens mounted high up, one in each quadrant along the curving wall, showing diagrams of the whole compound, camera views of designated locations on five-second intervals, environmental readouts.'?

Also: I think flatscreens is generally written 'flat-screens' or 'flat screens'?

Paragraph 10.19 "They were engrossed in what they had come to call their ‘post-meeting therapy session.’" "Should that be ‘post-meeting therapy session’."?

Paragraph 10.20 "We’ll have to reassign all droids from non-essential Core duties, to help shore up our weak human work contingent." Would that read better as 'to help shore up our weakened human workforce.'

Paragraph 10.27 "constantly sending telemetry back to the home planet" Does he mean 'sending telemetry back home'?

Paragraph 10.27 "Do you really believe that some race of aliens were able to totally and completely surprise us?" Should that be 'was' for the singular 'race of aliens'??

Paragraph 10.31 "If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system, then there was no need for a nuclear strike." Just a little clumsy reading it out... how about 'If these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus, then there was no need for a nuclear strike.'

79

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 26, 2013, 06:35 AM »

OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'

Prologue
Paragraph 9.4: "One thing’s for sure: unless the aliens are evolved into pure energy, or they have metabolisms much, much more hardened to radiation than ours" Should that be 'have evolved'?

Paragraph 9.5 "Today is Thursday, June 7, 2283. As I write this, I have lived 260 meters beneath the char-broiled surface of good old planet Earth for 2,558 days, 10 hours, 8 minutes and counting." I think it should be 'charbroiled' as WikiPedia seems to suggest that char-broiled refers to a brand? I guess the concept is "having the food slightly charred in texture"?

Paragraph 9.5 "My implant tells me this. I know it’s accurate because it is self-contained and shielded..." Is there confusion what 'it' is referring to? Either 'My implant' or 'this'? The information is accurate, tho' the implant is self-contained & shielded.  I've read this numerous times before and not had a problem before, it was just now I connected 'accurate' to 'this', which then didn't make sense of the 'self-contained / shielded'.

Paragraph 9.10 "It was a play on words, as most beverages now were mostly if not entirely composed of water recycled from the compound’s waste management units." I would add punctuation here: 'mostly, if not entirely, composed', not sure if that's right or not?

Paragraph 9.10 "Sethra made it a deliberate practice to not think about its contents." does he mean 'origins | contents' origins'?

80

Living Room / Re: Secure Cloud backup -e.g., Digital Lifeboat - what alternatives are there?

« on: June 26, 2013, 01:58 AM »

Don't know about Digital Lifeboat, but I use SpiderOak and am very happy with it (especially concerning privacy, but also the smarts they use)

I can offer you a referral link if you're interested (increases your free amount of space and gets me a bit more) 

81

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 26, 2013, 01:51 AM »

What would you like to see resolved in Chapter 16, just out of curiosity? (not promising I'll do it): what from the most recent chapters is most gripping you? Has most piqued your interest? I have several ideas for the next few chapters, but would love any reader ideas.

-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 04:30 PM)

That's a difficult question to answer... there are lots of irons in the fire, and I imagine that it'll take careful pulling together to make the most of the different strands?

I also like being surprised

82

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 25, 2013, 08:59 PM »

The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:

Corrected to:

once we go undergo immersion,

-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)

I think it should be: once we undergo immersion,

-4wd (June 25, 2013, 08:08 PM)

I've now re-read that sentence a dozen times and I'm pretty undecided... undergo / go under just isn't doing it for me Makes it sound like anesthetic. What do you think about something like:

'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'

83

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 25, 2013, 05:43 PM »

I found the couple or so days of not having updates let me put it aside and then start looking at it afresh....onto chapter 3 later

I'm going to end up knowing this book better than my all time favourite: The Stainless Steel Rat^w

-4wd (June 25, 2013, 07:27 AM)

Agree... it's amazing how you get caught up in the flow and get carried over, sometimes missing things. I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.

84

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 25, 2013, 05:39 PM »

Again, let me stress how incredibly helpful your beta-reading has been! Literally scores of problems found and fixed. No wonder so many self-publishers flop. I can't understand how anyone could bypass betareading/proofing.

-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:25 AM)

I can't remember where or when I heard it, but I'm pretty sure it was an author on the radio quoting another author, who said "The only difference between a good book and a great book is the number of times it gets rewritten." 

85

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 24, 2013, 09:52 PM »

I joined the forum just to tell you how much I've been enjoying the book.  I was going to offer to do a little proof reading, but it appears that you have some expert help in that area.

-Exodore (June 24, 2013, 08:15 PM)

Welcome Exe!

I think we've all been enjoying the book (and we'd be thankful if you didn't distract K too much so he can get back to writing )

The more proofers the better: it's amazing what you miss (or waht your biarn fllis in for you wiouhtt you aalutcly noiticng)... and I still am a pert (not an expert), thanks

86

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 24, 2013, 05:03 AM »

Chapter 14
Page 23.3 "Unless they grew so long that they broke off and fell into the pool." Do you think he would have seen evidence on the ceiling of the cave of the remains of broken stalactites?

Page 23.8 "Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted “No loose stone or other detritus." Does that need punctuation? 'Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted, “No loose stone or other detritus.'

Chapter 15
Page 24.3 "The training that King Molech had mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast of some sort of hot creamed wheat flavored by diced up pieces of peaches." What do you think of 'The training that King Molech had mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast, which consisted of some sort of hot creamed wheat flavored by diced up pieces of peaches.'... I kept stumbling over the sentence when reading it out, so it may just be me?

Page 24.5 "The noise of clashing practice swords drifted up to them from the courtyard below" Would they have known what practice swords sounded like?

Page 24.12 "Please, continue educating us about the Ashwood and the orcs." Everywhere else 'The Ashwood'

Page 24.13 well... not everywhere "As I was pointing out, the Ashwood surrounds the township on three sides."

Page 24.19 "She turned in about in her fingers" should be 'it'


... and with that we're stuck at the end with nothing more to read!!! 

87

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 24, 2013, 04:19 AM »

You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?

-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 06:35 PM)

Well, it wasn't that hard 

-4wd (June 24, 2013, 12:36 AM)

I was appreciative of the effort, regardless of the difficulty 

88

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 10:59 PM »

^ "Can't read a book by its cover"?

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:32 PM)

Judge^w

The English idiom "don't judge a book by its cover" is a metaphorical phrase which means "you shouldn't prejudge the worth or value of something, by its outward appearance alone".

-WikiPedia

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Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 08:57 PM »

I'm just reading that an e-book's cover is the second most important draw for potential buyers, after writing a good story.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 08:18 PM)

That's scary (but it does remind me of an old saying)

90

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 07:19 PM »

Anyone on here who could take the full-size cover image (click here, then enlarge by clicking on image) and smooth out the blocky pixelation where I added the title in the upper right of the image?

I'm also interested in a snazzier cover, and would be willing to donate some donation credits if anyone is interested and can develop a cover that we agree better reflects the novel.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 07:12 PM)

I'm happy to do that: can you email be the base image (and anything else you want included)

91

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 07:17 PM »

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

Changed the passage to read as so:

Zuzana turned the spitted rabbits. “What if, on a lark, the aliens decide to implode every subterranean compound, or to launch a kinetic missile of sufficient mass to demolish the globe? What happens to us then?”
There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end.”
“Near future?” asked Byron, seeking clarification.
“I’ve a theory, but I’m not ready to try to articulate it, yet,” said Sethra.
They paused in their discussion to eat, pulling hot bits of surprisingly savory flesh from their cooked meal. As the night deepened and it grew cooler, they donned their cloaks and bedded down. Into the flickering shadows cast by the lowering fire, Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, anyway?”

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 06:55 PM)

You're such a tease... but I think it works

92

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 06:40 PM »

Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality

I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."

-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)

I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.

93

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 06:35 PM »

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios)

-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)

You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?

94

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 06:23 PM »

Hope you enjoy the read K... we sure are  

Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:

These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

  Grammar makes my brain go pumpkin... thanks!!

Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Fixed with this sentence:

"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?

Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

You mean "grow up to know..." Right?

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

  not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld

Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald  Grin

LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha!

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.

Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."

This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure what it's called?  Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?

Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:

Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly explaining why?

Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

Yep: he gives me the chills (though that's just because of his name

Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad

Fixed with this:

Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”

Sethra's not at his best at this moment.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild look on his face, "Hush! ...'


I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously  I don't think it's particularly easy to put really funny bits into a novel  

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Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 05:52 PM »

Security wear black.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 12:23 PM)

 

Not just black hats?

96

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 09:49 AM »

Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been

eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Just the opposite. They were loud and boisterous. Yelling at one another. Hollering instructions. Sharing coarse humor.

Thus, the comparative silence in which the multi-limbed robot construction workers worked would have seemed strange to
those human construction workers of earlier days.

-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)

Sorry, that was my point... not just 20+21 Century but also before

97

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 07:51 AM »

Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm

Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should that be 'King'?

Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'

98

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 07:17 AM »

Not totally sure but...

2. Who is your favorite male character? Favorite female character?

-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 08:04 PM)

Mark Shields makes me smile with his disbelief that people would break the rules

99

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 07:06 AM »

Chapter 9
Page 18.24 "the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological to their new digital existence" It may be just the way I talk, but I'd have 'the conceptual sets that humans brought across with them from their former biological existence to their new, digital existence'

Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'

Chapter 10
Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?

Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called 'modern'?

Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly' or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?

Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'

Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over stated?

Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.

Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?

Page 20.8 "“Today’s my birthday,” she sudden volunteered." missing 'ly': '“Today’s my birthday,” she suddenly volunteered.'

Page 20.16 "He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham" Is he forever young??

Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead. They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'

Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item, increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence! Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?

Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative." Missing quotation close.

Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans, and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?

Page 20.50 "Jim paused. The next agenda item simply read ‘TBA’, meaning ‘to be announced.’" should be " announced'."

Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for luna survivors would be detection.

Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'

Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald 

"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was "The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?

Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery." This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?

Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?

Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?

Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?

Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?

Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it

Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud Plus Alien metric system??

Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.

Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an assumption at that point.

100

Living Room / Re: 38K-word sample of my sci-fi ebook, due on Amazon and B&N in October

« on: June 23, 2013, 04:20 AM »

sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not definite issues, just questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)

Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things that are to stay just between us.'

Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as almost opposites: panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.

Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth." I think the first sentence feels unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles, it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'

Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation), and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?

Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had to look them up (thank you ) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific research itself was not the main goal of the mission." Wikipedia

Page 15.22
"These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the robots are not monitoring any others??

"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word 

Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours.'

Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??

"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced, without any exceptions, would be a significant step toward detection.'

Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?

"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through."  'They could be modified to weigh each individual as he, she or it passes through.'

Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders his statement...

Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?

Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?

Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?

Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared

Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?

Page 17.16 "set in the mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?

Page 17.22 "His voiced rationale hadn’t yet seemed to make much headway" maybe: 'His voiced rationale hadn’t made much headway yet, it seemed,'

Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality