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Living Room / Re: Sci-fi novel due on Amazon and B&N in August or September
« on: July 04, 2013, 06:34 AM »
Chapter 8
Paragraph 17.2 "How goes Operation Moving Deeper? Mentioned previously:
Paragraph 17.3
"We’ve bored another fifty meters along that vector, achieving an increased depth of twenty-five meters." I'm not sure I understand 50 metres at 30 degrees = 25 metres depth?
"in another ... oh ... make it nine days" I was going to complain about the spaces around the ellipsis, but WikiPedia convinced me I'm wrong
Paragraph 17.4 "There’d have been a time where we’d have been tickled to death to come upon such a find" Should that be 'when'?
Paragraph 17.15 "“Everyone feeling all better now?” asked Sethra." Didn't sound quite right: I'd say "Everyone feeling better now?" or "Everyone all better now?" Although 'all better now' is a standard phrase... maybe it's the 'feel' that makes it sound funny to me? Maybe it's just me?
Paragraph 17.18 "Sethra’s grin caused his friend to assess what he was asking, and he caught himself." I don't know if this is an issue, but Sethra's grin make him catch himself, then he assessed what he was asking, not what the 'then' implies in the sentence.
Paragraph 17.22 "And there would be the superimposed virtual reality of some environment or other." Sethra is answering Veronee's direct question about them being virtually in the kyrathaba environment, so I wondered if 'some environment' would be what was answered? Maybe 'gaming environment'?
Paragraph 17.26 "We, on the other hand, are a digital conglomeration of both data and behaviors associated with that data" I was going to complain about conglomeration, but after reading the dictionaries it seems that my geological background has put a specific disordered slant on the word (unfairly it seems). Especially as say a conglomerate of companies has to be very ordered
Paragraph 17.28
"We are, to oversimplify, objects like the cat and dog in that ancient game, only in our case[,] orders of magnitude more complex." I would put in a comma there, to emphasise '...complex'.
"Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of this we now have the technology to embed in a digital format." I sort of felt that 'all of this' was a little limited, so wondered if something like: 'Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of the functions of life -- can now be embed in a digital format.'
Paragraph 17.30 "I have ... engineered ... matters[,] such that this program cannot be terminated without shutting down everything in A-3." I would add the comma, if that gives a better sense. And should it be ', so that'?
Paragraph 17.32 " warning him to harden the computer matrix, to expand it." Is the expanding part of the hardening? Because as it's written it feels like 'expand' is a clarification on 'harden', or is it another task? Back in 15.12 it was 'Harden ... . Continue to add greater redundancy.'
Paragraph 17.36 "but you can believe me when I tell that it is possible" Should that be 'say' or 'tell you'. I know my last attempt at creating emphasis failed... but if I was Sethra I would emphasise the three terms audibly: is possible, server reality and embedded reality.
Paragraph 17.37 "Since we’re hosted in computer memory in A-3" Does he mean 'Since we’re hosted in the same computer memory'?
Paragraph 17.38 "It requires even VR game players to exit the environment entirely in order to interact with their typical reality." May be right, but wonder if 'home' may be better?
Paragraph 17.41 "Byron asked, “How much memory do each of us, as an individual whose consciousness is now embedded into a digital substrate, take up in the matrix?”" Is Byron following on his train of thought after Veronee's question "until they find this running program"? Because it felt just a little random | out of the blue, and I wondered if linking it a little stronger in terms of the resources being used by the programme and them? i.e. 1.5 Pb * 4 * learning growth = ~8 Pb or 0.01% of memory? That may just be me tho'
Paragraph 17.42 "“Just for our memories and personalities, around 1.5 Petabytes. More, as we ‘learn’ via our experiences in this new ‘world.’”" Should be '‘world’.'
Paragraph 17.47 "Byron was relentless," About what? Because if it's the "Near future?" question, he'd just tabled it rather than pursuing relentlessly...
Paragraph 17.49 "Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, again?”" I think the comma is unnecessary here. Unless she was just about asleep, then maybe a couple more could be added?
Paragraph 17.2 "How goes Operation Moving Deeper? Mentioned previously:
Chapter 7 Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6
Paragraph 17.3
"We’ve bored another fifty meters along that vector, achieving an increased depth of twenty-five meters." I'm not sure I understand 50 metres at 30 degrees = 25 metres depth?
"in another ... oh ... make it nine days" I was going to complain about the spaces around the ellipsis, but WikiPedia convinced me I'm wrong
Paragraph 17.4 "There’d have been a time where we’d have been tickled to death to come upon such a find" Should that be 'when'?
Paragraph 17.15 "“Everyone feeling all better now?” asked Sethra." Didn't sound quite right: I'd say "Everyone feeling better now?" or "Everyone all better now?" Although 'all better now' is a standard phrase... maybe it's the 'feel' that makes it sound funny to me? Maybe it's just me?
Paragraph 17.18 "Sethra’s grin caused his friend to assess what he was asking, and he caught himself." I don't know if this is an issue, but Sethra's grin make him catch himself, then he assessed what he was asking, not what the 'then' implies in the sentence.
Paragraph 17.22 "And there would be the superimposed virtual reality of some environment or other." Sethra is answering Veronee's direct question about them being virtually in the kyrathaba environment, so I wondered if 'some environment' would be what was answered? Maybe 'gaming environment'?
Paragraph 17.26 "We, on the other hand, are a digital conglomeration of both data and behaviors associated with that data" I was going to complain about conglomeration, but after reading the dictionaries it seems that my geological background has put a specific disordered slant on the word (unfairly it seems). Especially as say a conglomerate of companies has to be very ordered
Paragraph 17.28
"We are, to oversimplify, objects like the cat and dog in that ancient game, only in our case[,] orders of magnitude more complex." I would put in a comma there, to emphasise '...complex'.
"Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of this we now have the technology to embed in a digital format." I sort of felt that 'all of this' was a little limited, so wondered if something like: 'Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of the functions of life -- can now be embed in a digital format.'
Paragraph 17.30 "I have ... engineered ... matters[,] such that this program cannot be terminated without shutting down everything in A-3." I would add the comma, if that gives a better sense. And should it be ', so that'?
Paragraph 17.32 " warning him to harden the computer matrix, to expand it." Is the expanding part of the hardening? Because as it's written it feels like 'expand' is a clarification on 'harden', or is it another task? Back in 15.12 it was 'Harden ... . Continue to add greater redundancy.'
Paragraph 17.36 "but you can believe me when I tell that it is possible" Should that be 'say' or 'tell you'. I know my last attempt at creating emphasis failed... but if I was Sethra I would emphasise the three terms audibly: is possible, server reality and embedded reality.
Paragraph 17.37 "Since we’re hosted in computer memory in A-3" Does he mean 'Since we’re hosted in the same computer memory'?
Paragraph 17.38 "It requires even VR game players to exit the environment entirely in order to interact with their typical reality." May be right, but wonder if 'home' may be better?
Paragraph 17.41 "Byron asked, “How much memory do each of us, as an individual whose consciousness is now embedded into a digital substrate, take up in the matrix?”" Is Byron following on his train of thought after Veronee's question "until they find this running program"? Because it felt just a little random | out of the blue, and I wondered if linking it a little stronger in terms of the resources being used by the programme and them? i.e. 1.5 Pb * 4 * learning growth = ~8 Pb or 0.01% of memory? That may just be me tho'
Paragraph 17.42 "“Just for our memories and personalities, around 1.5 Petabytes. More, as we ‘learn’ via our experiences in this new ‘world.’”" Should be '‘world’.'
Paragraph 17.47 "Byron was relentless," About what? Because if it's the "Near future?" question, he'd just tabled it rather than pursuing relentlessly...
Paragraph 17.49 "Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, again?”" I think the comma is unnecessary here. Unless she was just about asleep, then maybe a couple more could be added?
Thank you: it's been a long day 
