Something old, something new:

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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A man has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
He said it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. It took her 15 hours to hoover the house!
Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all my husband has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let him in.
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A man was charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
In his defence, he said he only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate.  When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's riots......
Your manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills? They were labelled LSD'
Granny replies, "Bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible. I feel fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the husband leans over and says to his wife, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
She replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Why Do You Need A High-Refresh / 120Hz-plus Monitor?
I have no idea,  and BTW do you have any asperine?

What kind of tea do birds drink?
Nestea.

What kind of fish likes books?
A Microfiche.

Following on from:

(see attachment in previous post)
Paraprosdokian Fun

PARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous.

• 1.  Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• 2.  The last thing I want to do is hurt you.  But it's still on my list.
• 3.  Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
• 4.  If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
• 5.  We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
• 6.  War does not determine who is right - only who is left..
• 7.  Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• 8.  They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• 9.  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.  To steal from many is research.
• 10.  Buses stop in bus stations.  Trains stop in train stations.  On my desk is a work station.
• 11.  I thought I wanted a career.  Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
• 12.  In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
• 13.  I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
• 14.  Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• 15.  Behind every successful man is his woman.  Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
• 16.  A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
• 17.  You do not need a parachute to skydive.  You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• 18.  Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
• 19.  There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
• 20.  I used to be indecisive.  Now I'm not so sure.
• 21.  You're never too old to learn something stupid.
• 22.  To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
• 23.  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
• 24.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• 25.  Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• 26.  Where there's a will, there are relatives.

If you are caught in a paradox, can you sue for malpractice?

[attachimg=#]

Fred: 

A married woman saved her lover's phone number on her mobile under the name of "Low Battery".
Whenever her lover calls her in her absence, her husband takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.
Give that woman a medal.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning the Lotto!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.
When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's about $5 per minute.

Valentine's Day:  Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham, then delete it.
It's spam.

They say that s#x is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Data Recovery...


...Not Going to Happen!  

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

A descent hammer will also do nicely

Quote from: Renegade on February 22, 2015, 11:20 AM

Speaking of which, I have around 20 drives that I need to destroy in the next couple months or so.... and no shotgun! 

A descent hammer will also do nicely

Ain't near as fun as shootin' the b'jeez out of something~!

(Also, a lot more work.)

Come to think of it, lining up all the drives and droppin' a .30 cal machine gun on 'em would be **FUN**! There are enough of them to have a real blast!

Sigh... But I do have a hammer, and no .30 cal machine gun. Guess it'll have to be hammer time.

Just DBAN them then give them to me when you come up the hills 

When the Mercedes died, a friend gave us an old car that doesn't do more than 100 km at a time (without a major fight), and that really HATES hills. Even if it were worth it, there's not a hope in Hades I'd make it there. (Most are around 250~500 GB 10k RPM drives, so not really worth salvaging -- IIRC.)

You want 'em? Let me know and I'll see about wiping them. No promises though, as my technology tolerance/patience has dwindled over the years, and the hammer is sounding like the most likely solution.

Cop: "I'm a total badass"

DogCop: "ARE YOU TAKING A PHOTO? OMG I WANNA BE IN THE PHOTO"

If you use a napkin on your lap, you should call it a lapkin.

Is the Taco Belle married to Taco Bill?