Author Topic: Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba! (Read 650,928 times)

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #75 on:** June 17, 2013, 01:31 AM »

Chapter 1,

page 9.27: "build a sight deeper than this" should be "site"

page 9.32: "No need for a nuclear strike, if these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system" despite 4wd's observations I think that the use of "a" and "they" causes confusion in my mind (tho' I'm no grammar expert either)... but I would have something like "a long-range..., which they..." or "the long-range... that they" type thing.

Chapter 2,

page 10.4: "Most of the compounders felt too sick to engage in exercise on any of the machines in the gym section, though one or two people were currently in the large and lengthy pool, here in Rec-area #2" I would have thought that was not necessary, as that's what is being discussed?

page 10.17: "“Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console." Doesn't quite work for me...

page 10.33 "Nothing will hinge on one single weak leak in the chain", should be "link"?

page 10.41 "That night, Sethra and Veronee stayed in Sethra’s cubicle" didn't sound right to me... I think the double "Sethra", but that may be a matter of opinion?

Chapter 4

page 12.2 "the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole" I would have put it "slick with moisture and the unmistakable grooves of the huge borer machine. The spiral pattern made Byron think..."

page 12.10 "“How...reassuring,” said Zuzana" I would have a space: "How... reassuring"

page 12.11 "It’s nearer end was heavily bolted to the two-meter-width circular catwalk that traversed the Shaft’s perimeter" should be "Its"

page 12.20 "“Not only that, but we need to keep our exposure time as short as possible,” Eddie added." When I read this I thought that it's odd that this is all coming out now... that they probably, if well planned, would have covered that previously. But maybe the planning was not that 'well'??

page 12.33 "circular platform of heavy-gauge aluminum mesh flooring" Do you think "flooring" is required?

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #76 on:** June 17, 2013, 01:40 AM »

I keep thinking that they need voice-activation macros... I can't believe that they're restricted to a string of single commands and that no one has implemented voice batches

kyrathaba · « **Reply #77 on:** June 17, 2013, 01:54 AM »

In Chapter 9:

toward western becomes: toward the western

would be much becomes: would be too much

he began to quickly peruse the report, but soon food was forgotten. becomes: He began to quickly peruse the report, and soon food was forgotten.

somebody gets lots in the forest becomes: somebody gets lost in the forest

a corrected sentence becomes: He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.”

4wd · « **Reply #78 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:08 AM »

Looking back at this one:

Quote

When the gun was taken apart fully, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.

I think the following flows better but that might be my accent

Quote

He plugged in a soldering iron and set it carefully aside to begin heating, then took a set of folding hexagonal screwdrivers from his overalls chest pocket, and began disassembling the Taser. With the gun fully apart, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.

Just wondering, I know that Taser is used generically to refer to electroshock/stun guns much as Velcro is for hook/loop fasteners but, also like Velcro, isn't it a trademarked name and therefore needs to be capitalised?

You might have picked some of these up:

Chapter 5:

Quote

When have I ever shown anything but grace under pressure and good judgment under fire?

I believe the term is "grace under fire", so possibly:

When have I ever shown anything but grace under fire and good judgment under pressure?

Quote

“As a matter of fact, I did not authorize the ‘excursion’ to the Shaft that took place on the evening of Monday, June 11th.

“As a matter of fact, I did not authorize the ‘excursion’ to the Shaft that took place on the evening of Monday, June 11th.”

Quote

But she’d had all that sort of action she wanted, and I allowed her to go into Environmental.

But she'd had enough of that sort of action, and I allowed her to go into Environmental.

Quote

We think Byron designed a two-setting pistol, powered by miniature power cell.

We think Byron designed a two-setting pistol, powered by a miniature power cell.

Quote

Judging by the corpse of the alien, the first shot was high velocity particle spray...

Probably works with or without:

Judging by the corpse of the alien, the first shot was a high velocity particle spray...

Quote

...cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.

...cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.”

Quote

...so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge.

...so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge.”

Chapter 7:

Quote

Administrator Mephord raised his eyebrows, not looking at anyone specifically, lips momentarily pooched.

??? Is this some quaint Americanism or was there really a dog in his mouth ?

I have heard of 'screwed the pooch', is this the oral sex version ?

Or did you mean 'pursed' ?

Chapter 8:

Quote

“Jaimie, hello. How goes Operation Moving Deeper?

“Jaimie, hello. How goes Operation Moving Deeper?”

Quote

“Understood, the administrator replied. Just make sure the robots disperse the rock far and wide once they exit the shaft. ....

“Understood,” the administrator replied. “Just make sure the robots disperse the rock far and wide once they exit the shaft. ....

Quote

It contained data that described it (hair color, number legs, length of its tail, etc.) and various behaviors associated with it (getting hungry, licking its owner, peeing on the carpet).

It contained data that described it, (hair color, number of legs, length of its tail, etc.), and various behaviors associated with it, (getting hungry, licking its owner, peeing on the carpet).

--------------------

When I made the comment about imperial measurements I was joking but I've now realised what caused me to make it.

When you've referred to a persons attributes or the result of an action, they've been imperial, eg.

Quote

He was a heavy man in his late fifties, maybe five foot seven and two-hundred and fifty pounds.

Quote

...and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped a foot,...

Which is fine for me.

Description of the structure of the compound has been in metric measurements except for a couple of inconsistencies which stuck in my head.

Quote

...contemplating plummeting headfirst into the pool of chemicals and waste materials sixty feet directly below her. The tank was large, but only about five feet deep.

Quote

If we’re able to continue at this rate, we can be at a depth of one-thousand feet below the entrance to Main Channel Two in another...

Small things and it's probably just me.

4wd · « **Reply #79 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:16 AM »

The comment I just made regarding sight/site:

Forget it, my interpretation was wrong $:-\$

It's official, I'm illiterate.

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #80 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:17 AM »

Chapter 8,
page 17.7: "“Roger that, sir. We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out our way.”" should be "getting it out of our way"?

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #81 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:26 AM »

Quote from: 4wd on June 17, 2013, 02:16 AM

The comment I just made regarding sight/site:

Forget it, my interpretation was wrong $:-\$

It's official, I'm illiterate.

Had me convinced

kyrathaba · « **Reply #82 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:35 AM »

Thanks, 4wd. Addressed every single one of your excellent points. Converted all measurements to metric.

Uploaded all your suggested corrections, plus the ones I've found for Chapters 8 and 9 and shown in recent posts. Newly corrected manuscript is uploaded as "Kyrathaba Rising.zip"

kyrathaba · « **Reply #83 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:36 AM »

Perry, just saw your post. Your correction will be incorporated into the next upload, probably when Ch. 10 is added. Thank you!

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #84 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:44 AM »

Chapter 9
Page 18.44 "He’s ? most as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." missing "remembered"?

Page 18.54
"beneath the surface of one of their lake" should be "lakes"
"Then, it would send the data to the mothership, already light-years ago" is this correct? should it be "away"? Maybe I'm just not understanding $:-\$

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #85 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:52 AM »

Chapter 9 Page 18.54
"This land mass had relatively few survival pockets of humanity, in comparison to what the aliens had learned the locals referred to as North America and Europe."

I think this should be:
"This land mass had a remarkably resilient population, which had managed to survive almost intact and was constantly confounding all their efforts to dominate them."

kyrathaba · « **Reply #86 on:** June 17, 2013, 02:57 AM »

Thanks, Perry. All those corrections will appear in next upload, with Ch. 10.

Only one vast lake in their ship, so made changes to reflect that.

light-years ago changed to light-years away

Perry Mowbray · « **Reply #87 on:** June 17, 2013, 03:00 AM »

Quote from: kyrathaba on June 17, 2013, 01:54 AM

In Chapter 9:
somebody gets lots in the forest becomes: somebody gets lost in the forest

Oh... I was thinking effects of alcohol

4wd · « **Reply #88 on:** June 17, 2013, 10:43 AM »

Chapter 9:

Quote

“But don’t get any wild ideas about making any unauthorized jaunts into these tunnels, crevices or pools.

“But don’t get any wild ideas about making any unauthorized jaunts into these tunnels, crevices or pools.”

Quote

A couple minutes later he let our a whoop of excitement.

A couple minutes later he let out a whoop of excitement.

Chapter 8:

Quote

Firm scientific evidence of wormholes was discovered in 2112, and our scientists speculate that someday wormholes may not just allow humans to traverse vast galactic distances instantaneously. They may also become doorways to other realities, other universes.

The wording seems to suggest that the two sentences should be one to me, possibly:

Firm scientific evidence of wormholes was discovered in 2112, and our scientists speculate that someday wormholes may not just allow humans to traverse vast galactic distances instantaneously but that they may also become doorways to other realities, other universes.

The same with this next one:

Quote

“The programming of this reality is geared toward embeddedness. Requiring even VR game players to exit the game entirely to interact with their typical reality. ...

Possibly:

“The programming of this reality is geared toward embeddedness, requiring even VR game players to exit the game entirely to interact with their typical reality. ...

Or to separate using slightly different wording for the start of the second:

“The programming of this reality is geared toward embeddedness. It requires even VR game players to exit the game entirely to interact with their typical reality. ...

kyrathaba · « **Reply #89 on:** June 17, 2013, 01:53 PM »

Perry's find:

Quote

Chapter 9
Page 18.44 "He’s ? most as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." missing "remembered"?

has been addressed thusly:

Quote

Zuzana’s eyes momentarily lost focus as if she were in thought, then she smiled. In a didactic tone, she supplied, “Orcs are a race of mythical humanoid creatures, generally described as brutish, aggressive and repulsive, stemming from the writings of J. R. R. Tolkien, where orcs contrast with the benevolent Elvish race. Tolkienn was a writer, poet, philologist, and professor who lived from 1882 to 1973 in England. He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.”
She laughed. “This is great!”

@Perry: a closing quotation mark was added to this sentence: But don’t get any wild ideas about making any unauthorized jaunts into these tunnels, crevices or pools.

I'm posting up a new revision of the novel, through the end of Ch. 9. It contains some corrections of my own, as well as implementations of corrections and suggestions made by Perry and 4wd, to date. The upload is entitled "KR_Perry_4wd.zip".

kyrathaba · « **Reply #90 on:** June 17, 2013, 01:55 PM »

In particular, you guys may want to download and give a re-read to Chapters 8 and 9. I've changed nothing in Prologue up through end of Chapter 7.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #91 on:** June 17, 2013, 03:00 PM »

In Chapter 1, I have corrected the following sentence to appear as shown below:

Damned shame previous generations didn’t dig and build a site deeper than this. This will appear in next upload.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #92 on:** June 17, 2013, 03:09 PM »

Early Ch. 8:

Edited "If we're able to continue at this rate, we can be at a depth of about well over 1,000 meters below the entrance to Main Channel Two in another ... oh ... make it nine days."

changing the above to:

If we’re able to continue at this rate, we can be at a depth of 1,000 meters below the entrance to Main Channel Two in another ... oh ... make it nine days.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #93 on:** June 17, 2013, 03:39 PM »

In chapter 9, correcting this:

Jaimie's report was quite detailed, and he was quite hungry. "Computer, transfer a copy of current report to my implant memory. He chimed the doctor...

to this (adding closing quotation mark):

Jaimie’s report was quite detailed, and he was quite hungry. “Computer, transfer a copy of current report to my implant memory.” He chimed the doctor

kyrathaba · « **Reply #94 on:** June 17, 2013, 03:50 PM »

In chapter 9, correcting this:

“By orcs, or a perhaps a band of ogres,” Sethra answered nonchalantly.

to this:

“By orcs, or perhaps a band of ogres,” Sethra answered nonchalantly.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #95 on:** June 17, 2013, 08:31 PM »

Chapter 10 has been written. See original post for zip archive containing the EPUB and MOBI ebook files.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #96 on:** June 17, 2013, 08:59 PM »

Added closing quotation mark to phrase: Dr. Jaimie Ericson, Chief of Earth Sciences, and head of this ongoing development.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #97 on:** June 17, 2013, 09:12 PM »

There was one too many commas in the following sentence, but it has been modified below so that I think it flows correctly:

There are things going on that may ultimately benefit us, perhaps even gain us victory over the aliens.

Also corrected a confusing bit by replacing it with that shown below:

Quote

The group sat in a tavern within the town that styled itself “The Prancing Unicorn”. Byron, a fan of Tolkienn, had just about doubled-over when he’d seen the painted sign outside the establishment. Now, they sat sipping smooth, cold, refreshing ale. Byron said, “Come on, Sethra, admit it. ‘The Prancing Unicorn’? It has to be an in-joke among your programming team, a nod to The Hobbit’s ‘Prancing Pony’ in Bree."
“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned.

kyrathaba · « **Reply #98 on:** June 17, 2013, 09:16 PM »

“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now”.

becomes

“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now.”

40hz · « **Reply #99 on:** June 17, 2013, 09:51 PM »

Quote from: kyrathaba on June 17, 2013, 09:16 PM

“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now”.

becomes

“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now.”

Maybe just bold the word now but not the following period?

as in: "That will be all for now." instead of "That will be all for now."