Author Topic: silly humor - post 'em here! [warning some NSFW and adult content] (Read 5,847,927 times)

Arizona Hot · « **Reply #4625 on:** August 08, 2015, 10:52 PM »

Quote

Do's and Don'ts of Time Travel

So, you've finally done it. You've scraped together the millions of dollars, dozens of passports, countless vaccinations and hours and hours of anachronistic language classes. The day is at long last here, and you are ready to take that romantic little vacation – through time. Yes, time travel is everything you've been told. You will meet exotic people, doing exotic things in exotic eras. You will get to see the "Good Old Days" when they were better known as "These Wretched Times." But, before you hit the app button on your genius phone, there are a few things you should know:

Time Travel Don'ts
1.Don't shoot your grandfather. It's tempting isn't it? You've read about people who've done it on countless blogs and seen the very realistic, yet highly grainy videos, on YouTube. Shooting your biological grandfather isn't just against the law, both criminal and temporal, it is considered unacceptable behavior in just about all cultures. For now, let's put aside the thought of setting off a black hole, supernova, chain reaction, and think about this: What did your grandfather ever do to you? He produced your father or your mother, but other than that he's been a pretty decent guy. So put away the Derringer or Blunderbuss and buy the man a drink instead....

Time Travel Do's and Don'ts by Dane Bainbridge

MilesAhead · « **Reply #4626 on:** August 09, 2015, 12:44 PM »

Quote from: Arizona Hot on August 08, 2015, 10:52 PM

Time Travel Do's and Don'ts by Dane Bainbridge

Time Travel Don'ts

Don't Go Into The Past - You've done it all before

Time Travel Dos

Go Into The Future - Stay away from the Tourist Traps(tm)

bit · « **Reply #4627 on:** August 09, 2015, 02:45 PM »

Then there was the cook who came to the doctor with an aching ear.
He looked in her ear, and identified a small piece of potato lodged painfully there.
"My dear," he said to her, "your ear is irritated."

MilesAhead · « **Reply #4628 on:** August 09, 2015, 03:56 PM »

Quote from: bit on August 09, 2015, 02:45 PM

Then there was the cook who came to the doctor with an aching ear.
He looked in her ear, and identified a small piece of potato lodged painfully there.
"My dear," he said to her, "your ear is irritated."

When she found out the doctor was a beer drinker, she said "Doc, this spud's for you!"

bit · « **Reply #4629 on:** August 09, 2015, 06:38 PM »

Quote from: MilesAhead on August 09, 2015, 03:56 PM

Quote from: bit on August 09, 2015, 02:45 PM
Then there was the cook who came to the doctor with an aching ear.
He looked in her ear, and identified a small piece of potato lodged painfully there.
"My dear," he said to her, "your ear is irritated."

When she found out the doctor was a beer drinker, she said "Doc, this spud's for you!"

Waa haha!

MerleOne · « **Reply #4630 on:** August 09, 2015, 06:50 PM »

Totally lost there ! Sorry...

tomos · « **Reply #4631 on:** August 09, 2015, 07:12 PM »

Quote from: MerleOne on August 09, 2015, 06:50 PM

Totally lost there ! Sorry...

I got Miles's joke**

but not the original...

**

- as opposed to: "this Bud's for you"

MerleOne · « **Reply #4632 on:** August 09, 2015, 07:25 PM »

Thanks !

Actually it's this one I don't get :
Then there was the cook who came to the doctor with an aching ear.
He looked in her ear, and identified a small piece of potato lodged painfully there.
"My dear," he said to her, "your ear is irritated."

MilesAhead · « **Reply #4633 on:** August 09, 2015, 09:17 PM »

Quote from: MerleOne on August 09, 2015, 07:25 PM

Thanks !

Actually it's this one I don't get :
Then there was the cook who came to the doctor with an aching ear.
He looked in her ear, and identified a small piece of potato lodged painfully there.
"My dear," he said to her, "your ear is irritated."

I got the intention. But it took a bit of digging.

bit · « **Reply #4634 on:** August 09, 2015, 09:33 PM »

^potato = 'tater'
irri-tated
ear-i-tated

MerleOne · « **Reply #4635 on:** August 09, 2015, 09:39 PM »

Quote from: bit on August 09, 2015, 09:33 PM

^potato = 'tater'
irri-tated
ear-i-tated

Thanks !!! I could have spent a century on this...

MilesAhead · « **Reply #4636 on:** August 09, 2015, 10:25 PM »

Quote from: bit on August 09, 2015, 09:33 PM

^potato = 'tater'
irri-tated
ear-i-tated

Ah, i didn't get the "ear" part. Just the tated. A better pun than I thought.

Renegade · « **Reply #4637 on:** August 10, 2015, 07:41 AM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3VaAId8BdI

Deozaan · « **Reply #4638 on:** August 10, 2015, 04:57 PM »

Whoever filmed that was drunk.

bit · « **Reply #4639 on:** August 10, 2015, 09:26 PM »

Then there was the Mensa genius who refused to drink evaporated milk because it was condensed.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Mensa is a high IQ club (no I'm not a member). Densa is its symbolic opposite, and is a real club of people having fun mocking Mensa. The word 'condensed' contains 'dense' in what looks like a hypothetical 'active verb form' of 'densed', as in the nonsensical statement, "He was densed (made stupid) by Alzheimer's." So the touchy Mensa genius was irrationally reacting to the 'condensed' label because it made him feel stupid.

Renegade · « **Reply #4640 on:** August 11, 2015, 04:16 AM »

Quote from: bit on August 10, 2015, 09:26 PM

Then there was the Mensa genius who refused to drink evaporated milk because it was condensed.

One of the frustrating things that I've found with Mensa tests is that quite often the questions have multiple correct answers.

barney · « **Reply #4641 on:** August 11, 2015, 05:43 AM »

Quote from: Renegade on August 11, 2015, 04:16 AM

One of the frustrating things that I've found with Mensa tests is that quite often the questions have multiple correct answers.

Hm-m-m ... checked out any IQ tests lately? Like, the last two (2) decades?

MilesAhead · « **Reply #4642 on:** August 11, 2015, 12:02 PM »

Quote from: barney on August 11, 2015, 05:43 AM

Quote from: Renegade on August 11, 2015, 04:16 AM
One of the frustrating things that I've found with Mensa tests is that quite often the questions have multiple correct answers.
Hm-m-m ... checked out any IQ tests lately? Like, the last two (2) decades?

Does this question have multiple correct answers also? heh heh heh

IainB · « **Reply #4643 on:** August 11, 2015, 08:00 PM »

How not to mix technology with religion: Psalm Way to Spend Your Money

Quote

The Church of England have taken a break from pontificating about food banks to release an app that suggests a Psalm to read each morning and evening. It costs £8.99 to download…

“You cannot serve God and mammon”…
___________________________________

King James Bible: Luke 16:13 (Matthew 6:24)

Quote

No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

Priceless.

bit · « **Reply #4644 on:** August 11, 2015, 10:36 PM »

^I searched around for (religious) 'donation jokes' and found this:
A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
"Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy," the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."

bit · « **Reply #4645 on:** August 12, 2015, 04:10 AM »

^Never use money to measure wealth.

bit · « **Reply #4646 on:** August 12, 2015, 04:12 AM »

^Some people are so poor, that all they have is money.

Renegade · « **Reply #4647 on:** August 12, 2015, 04:24 AM »

Quote from: barney on August 11, 2015, 05:43 AM

Quote from: Renegade on August 11, 2015, 04:16 AM
One of the frustrating things that I've found with Mensa tests is that quite often the questions have multiple correct answers.
Hm-m-m ... checked out any IQ tests lately? Like, the last two (2) decades?

Well, I did probably around about 8 or 10 years ago. I found many questions simply had multiple answers.

Renegade · « **Reply #4648 on:** August 12, 2015, 09:32 PM »

You have 2 cows...

(Worth the click. They get continually better.)

Arizona Hot · « **Reply #4649 on:** August 12, 2015, 11:57 PM »

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QOhRu0baWI