Man says , "Mick, what ya talkin into an envelope for?".
"I'm sending a voicemail ya fool!"
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Man says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Blow that" says Mick, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
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Mick takes 18 men-friends to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."
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The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
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I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!
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My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!!
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
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I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.
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I start a new job in Seoul next week.
I thought it was a good Korea move.
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I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy.
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My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
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I was explaining to my husband last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
He said he would like to come back as a chimpanzee.
I said "You're obviously not listening."
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My husband has been missing a week now.
Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all his clothes back.
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The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."
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When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!
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Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six
people in the rear with a knitting needle in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.
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Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!
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