Programming/Coder humor

[Josh]

Post your best jokes here:

An INT, a CHAR and a STRING walk into a bar and order some drinks. A short while later, the int and char start hitting on the waitress who gets very uncomfortable and walks away. The string walks up to the waitress and says “You’ll have to forgive them, they’re primitive types."

How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, that is a hardware problem.

[mouser]

Code Refactoring:
http://thecodinglove.com/post/51001512539/code-refactoring

[wraith808]

You posted mine, Mouser! LOL

[mouser]

I knew i stole it from somewhere but couldn't remember who showed it to me. 

[ewemoa]

Why do computer scientists confuse Halloween and Christmas?

[wraith808]

[wraith808]

[wraith808]

And more taglines:
Stay agile, my friends.

He sends Tweets without checking character count.
He thinks the sandbox environment is for toddlers.
His resume has never been proofread.
He believes merge conflicts are for highways.
He is... the most interesting coder in the world.

[Renegade]

Bjarne Stroustrup) Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?
John McCarthy) No...
Bjarne Stroustrup) Inheritance.


A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control down the road, bouncing off the crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. What were they to do?

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way."

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again."

[Renegade]

Sorta kinda...

Drinking the smartphone haterade: Apple Fanboys vs. Phandroids!

http://www.citeworld.com/mobile/22093/drinking-smartphone-haterade-apple-fanboys-vs-phandroids

Like politics and sports, technology can arouse strong feelings of loyalty and tribal identity. You're a Democrat or Republican, a Red Sox or Yankee fan, a Windows or Mac user.

For nearly two decades, that last one -- Windows vs. Mac, Microsoft vs. Apple -- was the most polarizing debate in technology. But Apple's huge success with the iPhone not only has pushed the desktop toward obsolescence, it has attracted a formidable competitor and rival mobile OS in the form of Google's Android.

Combine Apple's legendarily loyal customers with Android's dominant market share, and you have a huge tech-user rivalry. And while some Apple and Android fans can respectfully discuss the merits of their preferred devices, others are more pathetic passionate.

Microsoft Office for Android: Pretty, but woefully incomplete

So I spent a couple of hours rounding up some representative comments from both iPhone and Android supporters. If you recognize yourself in any of the comments below, cut back on the haterade.

Can't you see they're evil?

"Apple's basic objective is to loot you people."

"The level of rapacious greed for money, control and power at Google, and the hypocrisy and dishonesty they engage in to further those ends, makes Microsoft in its heyday look like amateur hour."

More at the link.

[Vurbal]

(see attachment in previous post)

Must have come from a Microsoft employee. But remember, Windows doesn't have bugs. It has random features.

[app103]

[Renegade]

^^

Not really programming, but tech support horror stories:

http://www.reddit.com/r/talesfromtechsupport/

Still fun.

[mouser]

[Stoic Joker]

Tehehe I'll sign ^^that^^ one!

[TaoPhoenix]

...a Red Sox or Yankee fan...

What's a guy who moved from Boston to New York to do when a Yankees Sox game comes on?!!

[app103]

...a Red Sox or Yankee fan...

What's a guy who moved from Boston to New York to do when a Yankees Sox game comes on?!!

Do like my husband, and wear a Red Sox hat with a Yankee jersey. 

[TaoPhoenix]

Do like my husband, and wear a Red Sox hat with a Yankee jersey. 

Oh, that's awesome, even if as light social trolling!

I have the Yankees cap already (aka backwards), so I have to go look for a cheapo $7 Red Sox tshirt! And then I have to pay a little care that it's best on days when both teams are playing.

[app103]

Do like my husband, and wear a Red Sox hat with a Yankee jersey. 

Oh, that's awesome, even if as light social trolling!

I have the Yankees cap already (aka backwards), so I have to go look for a cheapo $7 Red Sox tshirt! And then I have to pay a little care that it's best on days when both teams are playing.

My husband is a collector of sports team clothing. No matter what teams are playing, no matter what sport, he can do this. And he's been doing this long enough to have gained a few nicknames for it (Hat Man, Jersey Guy).

[Renegade]

I simply CANNOT resist! Read the comments!

https://github.com/WhiteHouse/fortyfour/issues/3

[rgdot]

^

expecting to see this one closed with WONTFIX

[TaoPhoenix]

Just the whole series is epic!

"@Boehner has the wrong user permissions. Can you revise and rerun the code?"

[wraith808]

"Who thought it was a good idea to assign DebtCeiling as a global variable? Can we deprecate?"

[mouser]

Great stuff. 

[Renegade]

There are some real gems in there. Here are some of the more neutralish ones:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Guys, we're 44 levels deep into inheritance. How did you not think this was going to be a problem?

I'm starting to see this error.
malloc(): failed to allocate more money

Lets blame QA. Oh wait, that's EVERYONE in the country!

Whoever wrote this Easter Egg is laughing their ass off right now.

• nationalDebt keeps blowing the stack, we should probably just lower the number
• I'm not sure, but I think the blame function just creates pointers that end up in a loop
• Only the GUI is crashing, everything is still running in the background. It just makes the user think the program has "shut down."
• The uninformedCitizens variable should be removed and combined with informedCitizens
• I think this if statement needs to be checking for a value around 0.60 instead of 0.90 if (pissedOffPeople == 0.90){ fixYourGovernment() ;}

I went back into some history and the createCandidatesfunction dynamically generated candidates until 1996. Someone hardcoded only two candidates named republicans and democrats after that point.

I think I found a solution:

rm -rf ~/United_States/Federal_Government/Legislative_Branch/Congress

Refactoring the Military class library should free up ample resources to let app run correctly.

Scrapping the following methods fixes the bug:

function NSABudgetForSnooping() {
return infinite;
}

function operationAfghan() {

}

function operationIraq() {
}

as suggested by @Snowden

Particularly fun!

Code: (text)

/etc/init.d/nsa/surveillance stop; rm /etc/init.d/nsa/surveillance; rm -rf /home/nsa/prism
rm -f /home/whitehouse/aca/individual_mandate
echo 'No citizen may be forced to purchase any product or service against his or her will.' >> /etc/constitution/proposed_amendments
# have to clear the slate before starting constitutional_convention...
userdel -r house
userdel -r senate
/etc/init.d/lobbying stop; rm /etc/init.d/lobbying; userdel -r lobbyists
adduser house
adduser senate
/etc/init.d/house_election start
/etc/init.d/senate_election start
echo "Peer reviewed academic/scientific research" > /etc/policy/decision_basis
chown american_citizens:american_citizens force_recall.rb
chmod 700 force_recall.rb
wall citizens may now use force_recall.rb
# now that the slate is clean we can run:
/etc/init.d/constitutional_convention start

Contents of force_recall.rb:

Code: (ruby)

#!/usr/bin/env ruby

house = Congress.new(:house, members: 439) # 6 non-voting
senate = Congress.new(:senate, members: 100)

[house, senate].each do |assholes|
  (assholes.members.select( { |prick| prick.is_a_tool? || prick.paid_off? } )).each do |corrupt_politician|
    corrupt_politician.actions.each { |act_of_aggression| act_of_aggression.freeze; act_of_aggression.legal_basis.mark_for_review }
    corrupt_politician.campaign_financers.where("contributed > 1000.00").map! { |f| f.flag_for_fbi_investigation }
    corrupt_politician.imprison
  end
end

And finally:

Code: (text)

/etc/init.d/federal_government restart

Having consulted with a few people I am recommending someone try this--

Code: (text)

cd /
rm -rf /congress
git init congress
git pull constitution master
/congress/setup --newInstall --noParties --strictConstitutionView

CHUCK NORRIS!

Suggested fix:

congress.each().apply(chuckNorris)
federalreserve.closeQuietly()

Adding this output filter to /bin/congressd might smooth resource requirements:

Code: (text)

for bill in *
do
    split -p "--line item--" $bill $bill
    rm $bill
done

@Xinbi I think the problem is actually with the Politician class

Code: (csharp)

namespace US.Government
{
    public class Politician : Chamber
    {
        public override VoteResult VoteOn(Bill bill)
        {
            if( ! bill.BenefitsCountry(USA))
            {
                 if(bill.BenefitsPoliticanReElection() && bill.BenefitsPolitician())
                {
                    return VoteResult.Against;
                } 
                else
                {
                    Politician.Spin();
                    return VoteResult.For;
                }    
            }
            else
            {
                if(bill.BenefitsPoliticanReElection() && bill.BenefitsPolitician())
                {
                    return VoteResult.For;
                }
                else
                {
                    Politician.Spin();
                    return VoteResult.Against;
                }    
            }
        }
    }
}

According to the documentation for the Democracy library, the Politician class always checks this method first.

You could try using a different library, but it seems most other libraries have other issues the Democracy library doesn't

You might try starting an open source project to create a replacement library, but if you try to run it using a USA based operating system the anti-virus software (I believe they use NSA?) automatically sees it as malicious and kills any associated processes.

$killall government
$

everything works just fine

This one is really good!

The real problem is that shortly after the system was installed on the main server new developers started contributing features that were never requested. They failed to realize that the system architects designed it as a hierarchical peer-to-peer network. Each node is fully capable of running independent of the network or in smaller subnets (and, in fact, run more efficiently when it does) but the design included supervisor nodes at various levels for performance and security reasons. The supervisor nodes were designed with 3 responsibilities:

Monitor the status of the network
Provide services for resolving conflicts between leaf nodes
Protect the network from outside attack.
Now, because of feature creep, the central node is bloated and buggy. Luckily the system architects foresaw this problem and provided a back door into the central node's core framework to add and remove features without the current maintainters' or the system admin's consent.

To prevent abuse they required two thirds of the second tier supervisor nodes to send a control packet to the central node. Then the maintainers of those second tier nodes can submit pull requests. Those pull requests have to be reviewed and approved by the maintainers of three fourths of all the second tier nodes before they can be merged into the core framework of the central node.

This approach has been attempted multiple times but communication problems prevented enough nodes from connecting before a timeout occurred. One attempt that came the closest was only 5 nodes short of the threshold. Had it succeeded the plan was to implement QoS and load balancing to prevent processes on the central node from consuming more resources than were available (something all second tier nodes already have in place). Seeing the attempts in the system log the maintainers at the time added a similar feature as an auxiliary process but it didn't take long before the the @SCOTUS board rejected it claiming it was incompatible with the core framework.

I think this is probably the only way to fix the central node. The majority of the current maintainers care only about their own pet projects and each new sysadmin has taken to writing scripts that circumvent established systems when it suits his needs.

P.S. Can someone tell me why the users requested an inexperienced junior developer to be the sysadmin? I mean the previous one wasn't very competent but this one doesn't work well with others, even if they're members of his own user group.

Another really good one:

I say Fork it! And just refactor the whole thing.

Clearly we have an unstoppable race condition that keeps hitting some upper limit every time US.resetDebtCeiling() is called.

Best as I can tell, the original design of the whole State Machine was not designed to scale to this point.

There also seems to be some corruption in the persistence layer. Looks like the issue has always just been patched by adding more cache.

Anyway, I think we should try this fix:

Code: (sql)

DROP FEDERATED TABLE us_government;
DROP TABLE congress;
DROP TABLE senate;
DROP TABLE republican_party;
DROP TABLE democratic_party;
TRUNCATE TABLE all_politicians;
DELETE FROM TABLE laws WHERE serves_the_people = false;

CREATE TABLE new_functional_government;
INSERT HIGH_PRIORITY INTO TABLE new_functional_government SET leadership='to really give a shit about the citizens of country';

If you check earlier posts, you will see one of the original developers (git handle: ThomasJefferson) said that it is good to shut the whole system down and completely refactor all code and expunge corrupt data every 20 years. Clearly that has not happened.

I suggest trying the following commands.

Code: (text)

sudo rm -Rf /TheUSCongress
sudo rm -Rf /ThePresident
sudo rm -Rf /TheVicePresident
sudo elect new government
sudo reboot

If that does not work, perhaps the following command will work.

Code: (text)

sudo fdisk /dev/TheUSGovernment

If that does not work, perhaps it is time to try the Thomas Jefferson "tree of liberty" solution.

A response to the above proposed solution:

Ok, so I got through reboot, it asked me for my keys.

I don't have any now. So I pressed the enter key, and it is persistently asking for my keys.

I can't work my way to fdisking this POS, I won't be able to refresh anything either I assume... Unless I'm sadly mistaken? Can I skip fdisking and start refreshing?