!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
1: No code table for op: ++post
... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you have turned into a pile of dust.
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.\n-- Joseph Campbell
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.\n-- Mitch Ratcliffe
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake without ketchup and mustard.
A CONS is an object which cares.\n-- Bernie Greenberg.
A debugged program is one for which you have not yet found the conditions that make it fail.\n-- Jerry Ogdin
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.\n-- D. Gries
A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money.
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do.\n-- Dennis M. Ritchie
A large number of installed systems work by fiat.  That is, they work by being declared to work.\n-- Anatol Holt
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.\n-- Alan Perlis
A list is only as strong as its weakest link.\n-- Don Knuth
A modem is a baudy house.
A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you.
A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the power off and on.  Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, "You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong."  Knight turned the machine off and on.  The machine worked.
A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer.\n-- Donald Knuth
A programming language is low level when its programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists.  Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
A rolling disk gathers no MOS.
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something undreamed of by its author.\n-- S. C. Johnson
A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. A swift-flowing steam does not grow stagnant. Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. Software rots if not used. These are great mysteries.\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt ax.  It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.\n-- Edsger Dijkstra
Adding features does not necessarily increase functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker.
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.\n-- Dijkstra
Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most important programming language yet developed.\n-- T. Cheatham
All constants are variables.
All parts should go together without forcing.  You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you.  Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason.  By all means, do not use a hammer.\n-- IBM maintenance manual, 1925
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
"... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"\n-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
All the simple programs have been written.
All your files have been destroyed (sorry).  Paul.
Almost anything derogatory you could say about today's software design would be accurate.\n-- K.E. Iverson
An Ada exception is when a routine gets in trouble and says 'Beam me up, Scotty'.
An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms.
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.\n-- D.E. Knuth
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN.
And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail.  No exceptions.\n-- David Jones
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any program which runs right is obsolete.
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.\n-- Rich Kulawiec
Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress.\n-- Elizabeth Zwicky
APL hackers do it in the quad.
APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection.  It is the language of the future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation of coding bums.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; ...and is best for educational purposes.\n-- A. Perlis
APL is a write-only language.  I can write programs in APL, but I can't read any of them.\n-- Roy Keir
Are we running light with overbyte?
Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to measure progress.  Some cathedrals took a century to complete.  Can you imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long?\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.\n-- Weisert
As in certain cults it is possible to kill a process if you know its true name.\n-- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie
As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. Please update your programs.
As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. Please update your programs.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging.\n-- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service conversion to a new computer system.
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there is always a future in Computer Maintenance.\n-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer.
ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS.
Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity and understanding of how computers work that it provides.\n-- D. Gries
Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems.\n-- D. Winker and F. Prosser
At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is quite untrue in practice.  Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather than blinkers it.\n-- G.L. Glegg, "The Design of Design"
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.\n-- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
Basic is a high level languish.  APL is a high level anguish.
BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing.\n-- Seymour Papert
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek.
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not tried it.\n-- Donald Knuth
Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.\n-- Leonard Brandwein
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but nothing of interest is easy.
Beware the new TTY code!
Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies.\n-- David Nichols
BLISS is ignorance.
Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and interface circuit details.  The two models, however, are not compatible on the same communications line connection.\n-- Bell System Technical Reference
Brain fried -- Core dumped
Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science.\n-- Randy Goebel
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
Building translators is good clean fun.\n-- T. Cheatham
Bus error -- driver executed.
Bus error -- please leave by the rear door.
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.\n-- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"
By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun.\n-- P.J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April Fool's column.
BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then carefully print the chaff.
Byte your tongue.
C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN!\nPLEASE!!!!
C for yourself.
C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot.  C++ makes that harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.\n-- Bjarne Stroustrup
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique.\n-- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341]
C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360.
Can't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes.  Lid stuck on cookie jar.
Can't open /usr/share/games/fortunes/fortunes.dat.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude...
Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543.
Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information.
COBOL is for morons.\n-- E.W. Dijkstra
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Coding is easy;  All you do is sit staring at a terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead.
COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.\n-- J.N. Gray
... computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years.\n-- Fred Brooks
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available.
Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance\n-- Jim Horning
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.\n-- Gilb
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.\n-- Pablo Picasso
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.
Computers don't actually think.\nYou just think they think.\n(We think.)
Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more than the estimate the job will cost.
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.\n-- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
Congratulations!  You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't hesitate to ask!
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal -- if you are all thumbs.\n-- Glaser and Way
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal--if you don't use your thumbs.\n-- Tom Lehrer
[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month.\n-- Wernher von Braun
Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!!
%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
Debug is human, de-fix divine.
DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale.\n-- Mel Ferentz
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\\n- (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's?\n-- P.J. Plauger
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.\n-- Don Vonada
Disc space -- the final frontier!
DISCLAIMER|Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply an endorsement of Western industrial civilization.
Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be yours too."\n-- Dave Haynie
Disk crisis, please clean up!
Disks travel in packs.
Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, Benchmarks, and Delivery dates.
Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger.
Do not simplify the design of a program if a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Do not use the blue keys on this terminal.
Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking?
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.\n-- Dick Brandon
Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must be good because the programmers hate it so much.
Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? Does a good father allow a single child to starve? Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code?\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly misleading. Debug only code.\n-- Dave Storer
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros.\n-- P. Skelly
DOS Air|All the passengers go out onto the runway, grab hold of the plane, push it until it gets in the air, hop on, jump off when it hits the ground again. Then they grab the plane again, push it back into the air, hop on, et cetera.
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been discontinued.
E Pluribus Unix
Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs.\n-- Kernighan
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
Earth is a beta site.
/earth: file system full.
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software engineer.\n-- Fred Brooks
Equal bytes for women.
Error in operator: add beer
Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology.\n-- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360
<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<<
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was eating paper and a policeman was at the door.  Now all you have to do is bend a disk.\n-- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, commenting on the benefits of using computers in support of their movement.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Evolution is a million line computer program falling into place by accident.
Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.
FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000;
Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, it's Microsoft!"
Fly Windows NT|All the passengers carry their seats out onto the tarmac, placing the chairs in the outline of a plane. They all sit down, flap their arms and make jet swooshing sounds as if they are flying.
"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of a thousand years ago.  Why not, then, the last step of doing away with computers altogether?"\n-- Jehan Shuman
FORTH IF HONK THEN
FORTRAN is a good example of a language which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques.\n-- D. Gries [What's good about it?  Ed.]
FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.
FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer.\n-- A.J. Perlis
FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers.\n-- Steven Feiner
FORTRAN rots the brain.\n-- John McQuillin
FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- probably for at least the next decade.\n-- T. Cheatham
fortune: cannot execute.  Out of cookies.
fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
fortune: No such file or directory
fortune: not found
Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix.\n-- Rhett Buggler
From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new experience in sound: 5.  Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees.  The pin-spreading\nsound is normal for this type of connector.
Function reject.
Garbage In -- Gospel Out.
GIVE:	Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the Open Software Foundation] is its mouth.\n-- John Gilmore
Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden:  Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful.  The LISP machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Good evening, gentlemen.  I am a HAL 9000 computer.  I became operational at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred ninety-five.  My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song.  If you would like, I could sing it for you.
Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine.  When he awoke he exclaimed:\n"I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine,\nor a machine dreaming that I am Turing!"\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers.
Hackers of the world, unite!
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
/* Halley */\n(Halley's comment.)
Happiness is a hard disk.
Happiness is twin floppies.
"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?"\n"Yes, I don't have one."\n"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..."\n-- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not.\n-- Phil Lapsley
HEAD CRASH!!  FILES LOST!! Details at 11.
Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants!
Help!  I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/games/lib!
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition.  If they didn't have bugs, then they'd be algorithms.
HOLY MACRO!
HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N)
HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP...
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
"How do I love thee?  My accumulator overflows."
How many seconds are there in a year?  If I tell you there  are 3.155  x  10^7, you won't even try to remember it.  On the other hand, who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury.\n-- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?\n-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work?
Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!\nOh wait...\nI'm a computer, and you're a person.  It would never work out.\nNever mind.
I am a computer. I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator.
I am NOMAD!
I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party.\n-- Dennis Ritchie
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say (in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.\n-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.\n-- Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ...\n-- F. H. Wales (1936)
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.\n-- Isaac Asimov
I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and implement a PL/1 compiler.\n-- T. Cheatham
I have a very small mind and must live with it.\n-- E. Dijkstra
I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck.\n-- Rob Pike, on X. Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be gone in two years.  He was half right. -- Dennis Ritchie Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. -- Jim Gettys
I have not yet begun to byte!
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts!
I think there's a world market for about five computers.\n-- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means.  It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.\n-- Dennie van Tassel
I've looked at the listing, and it's right!\n-- Joel Halpern
I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks.
I've noticed several design suggestions in your code.
IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes...\n-- with regrets to D. Adams
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second.\n-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation?
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.\n-- Rob Stampfli
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will serve us right.\n-- Alistair Cooke
If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer.
If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports.
If graphics hackers are so smart, why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint?
If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate.\n-- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia"
If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star.\n-- G. Hirst
If it happens once, it's a bug. If it happens twice, it's a feature. If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy.
If it has syntax, it isn't user friendly.
If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.
If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money.
If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG.\n-- Phil Lapsley
If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T.
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem."\n-- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per per gallon, and explode once a year killing everyone inside.\n-- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.\n-- Norm Schryer
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo.  Useful feature, that.\n-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. Let's hear it for OSI and X!  With those babies in the wings, we can count on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, paper folding, or something.\n-- C. Philip Wood
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dare criticise it.\n-- Pierre Gallois
If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real harm.
If you think the system is working, ask someone who's waiting for a prompt.
If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four strong oxen than 100 chickens.  Chickens are OK but we can't make them work together yet.\n-- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89.
Ignorance is bliss.\n-- Thomas Gray Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: BLISS is ignorance.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.\n-- Jeff Raskin
In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network anyway.\n-- The 5th Wave
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only we can't control when the five year period will begin.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, the answer may be obtained by inspection.
In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our programming languages.
In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug.
In less than a century, computers will be making substantial progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace.\n-- James Slagle
In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary.\n-- Paul Licker
In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble.\n-- Alan Perlis
Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way.\n-- Henry Spencer
>>> Internal error in fortune program|>>>	fnum=2987  n=45  flag=1  goose_level=-232323 >>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator.
Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. INSTRUCTION SET\nCode	Mnemonic	What\n0	NOP		No Operation\n1	JMP		Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents!
IOT trap -- core dumped
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to be discarded:  that the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
: is not an identifier
Is your job running?  You'd better go catch it!
It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the most widely used higher level language for systems programming.\n-- J. Sammet
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?\n-- Alan Perlis
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is now pitch dark.  If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time.\n-- K&R
It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old.  However, it's a pretty small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands computers.
It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm.\n-- Dion, noted computer scientist
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
It's multiple choice time...\nWhat is FORTRAN?\na: Between thre and fiv tran.\nb: What two computers engage in before they interface.\nc: Ridiculous.
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."\n-- Cal Keegan
It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been found and thy program runneth.  And he that was dead came forth...\n-- John 11:43-44 [version 2.0?]
Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac (and nobody cares about it).\n-- Bill Joy 6/21/85
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum.\n-- D. Gries
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Know Thy User.
((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz))
Let the machine do the dirty work.\n-- "Elements of Programming Style", Kernighan and Ritchie
Leveraging always beats prototyping.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.\n-- Dave Olson
Like punning, programming is a play on words.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
Lisp Users|Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection.
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very sophisticated computer network!  It was a Tolkien Ring...
Logic doesn't apply to the real world.\n-- Marvin Minsky
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
Loose bits sink chips.
Mac Airways|The cashiers, flight attendants and pilots all look the same, feel the same and act the same. When asked questions about the flight, they reply that you don't want to know, don't need to know and would you please return to your seat and watch the movie.
MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator?  Never heard of that.
"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years."\n"What about X?"\n"I said `intellectual'."\n;login, 9/1990
Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, and play games -- but not with pleasure.\n-- Leo Rosten
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
Make sure your code does nothing gracefully.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.\n-- Wernher von Braun
Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses.\n-- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981
Martin was probably ripping them off.  That's some family, isn't it? Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software.\n-- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues"
Marvelous!  The super-user's going to boot me! What a finely tuned response to the situation!
** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE.  TRY AGAIN LATER **
May all your PUSHes be POPped.
May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology.\n-- R. S. Barton
Memory fault - where am I?
Memory fault -- brain fried
Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget!
MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.
Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ...
Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business.\n-- P.J. Denning
Mommy, what happens to your files when you die?
Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance.
MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.\n-- Henry Spencer
Much of the excitement we get out of our work is that we don't really know what we are doing.\n-- E. Dijkstra
Multics is security spelled sideways.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii.  She sells C shells down by the seashore.
Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong.\n-- Brent Welch
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time.\n-- D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.\n-- Steinbach
Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself.
Never trust an operating system.
Never try to explain computers to a layman.  It's easier to explain sex to a virgin.\n-- Robert Heinlein (Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.)
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.\n-- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS
New crypt.  See /usr/news/crypt.
New systems generate new problems.
*** NEWS FLASH *** Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur skeleton!  Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive than DEC admits.  Price adjustments at 11:00.
news: gotcha
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into (Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but Americans call him by value.
No directory.
No extensible language will be universal.\n-- T. Cheatham
No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware until three software guys have signed off for it.\n-- Andy Tanenbaum
No line available at 300 baud.
No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list.
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of the author.\n-- Chris Shaw
No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop!
No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain.  All I'm after is just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone and Telegraph Company.\n-- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking machine, 1943.
Nobody said computers were going to be polite.
Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start coming in late and lying about it.
My little brother got this fortune|nohup rm -fr /& So he did...
Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad.\n-- Rob Pike
Nothing happens.
"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm.  Gag me with a smurfette."\n-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
Nurse Donna:	Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. Groucho:	Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. Nurse Donna:	Do you believe in computer dating? Groucho:	Only if the computers really love each other.
Oh, so there you are!
Okay, Okay -- I admit it.  You didn't change that program that worked just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the executable.  Please forgive me.  You can recover the file by typing in the code over again, since I also removed the source.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die, they just become managers.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.\n-- P. Denning
On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN.
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog.\n-- Cartoon caption
On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?"  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question.\n-- Charles Babbage
"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket".
"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.\n-- Chuq Von Rospach
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.\n-- Robert Firth
One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is...  If they do foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little.\n-- Joe Martin
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse.\n-- Oscar Wilde Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. -- The Unnamed Usenetter
"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" "TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make any difference if it takes a while to fix it."\n-- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide.\n-- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.\nThy programs run, thy syscalls done,\nIn kernel as it is in user!
Over the shoulder supervision is more a need of the manager than the programming task.
Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
panic: can't find /
panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped		(only kidding)
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty.\n-- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan
Pascal is not a high-level language.\n-- Steven Feiner
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."\n-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity.
Pause for storage relocation.
Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer.\n-- R.W. Hamming
PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the solution set.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them.
Please go away.
PLUG IT IN!!!
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.\n-- D.E. Knuth
Prof:    So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data\nencryption standard and they came up with ... Student: EBCDIC!"
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them.\n-- D.M. Ritchie
Programming is an unnatural act.
PURGE COMPLETE.
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC READY >_
RAM wasn't built in a day.
Reactor error - core dumped!
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to implement.  Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware.  Hardware has limitations, software doesn't.  It's a real shame that Turing machines are so poor at I/O.
Real computer scientists don't comment their code.  The identifiers are so long they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler.  They don't write in anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't write code.  They occasionally tinker with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how could they read their mail?
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on future hardware.  Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real programmers disdain structured programming.  Structured programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- trained.  They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise clear desks.
Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches.  If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it.  Vending machines don't sell quiche.
Real programmers don't comment their code.  It was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.
Real programmers don't draw flowcharts.  Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation.  Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much good it did them.
Real Programmers don't eat quiche.  They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food.
Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires you to change clothes.  Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
Real programmers don't write in BASIC.  Actually, no programmers write in BASIC after reaching puberty.
Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN.  FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies.  FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who wear white socks.
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I.  PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
Real programs don't eat cache.
Real Programs don't use shared text.  Otherwise, how can they use functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is described in the formal spec.  Working late would feel like using an undocumented external procedure.
Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never afraid to break your face.
Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts down the system for days.
Real Users hate Real Programmers.
Real Users know your home telephone number.
Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your program doesn't deliver it.
Real Users never use the Help key.
Recursion is the root of computation since it trades description for time.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't have an established user base.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.\n-- Mt.
Remember: use logout to logout.
Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream...
Save energy:  Drive a smaller shell.
Save gas, don't use the shell.
Save yourself!  Reboot in 5 seconds!
Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout.
SCCS, the source motel!  Programs check in and never check out!\n-- Ken Thompson
Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.
Scotty:	Captain, we din' can reference it! Kirk:	Analysis, Mr. Spock? Spock:	Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. Kirk:	Then it's of external origin? Spock:	Affirmative. Kirk:	Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. Sulu:	Aye aye, sir, going to pass two.
Send some filthy mail.
Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root.\n-- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide"
She sells cshs by the cshore.
Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials.\n-- Hubert Kirrman
Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run like a staff function.\n-- Paul Licker
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more "user-friendly".  ...  Their best approach, so far, has been to take all the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover.\n-- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. [Pot. Kettle. Black.]
Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. The answer is: I don't know. Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast?
Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, but at least you only have to climb it once.
Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand progress.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.  I found a pile of them over in the corner.
Staff meeting in the conference room in %d minutes.
Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes.
Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise.\n-- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984
Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality.\n-- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts
Swap read error.  You lose your mind.
Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
System checkpoint complete.
System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug.
System going down in 5 minutes.
System restarting, wait...
Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult.\n-- R.S. Barton
Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.\n-- Dijkstra
TeX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this century.  It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press.\n-- Gordon Bell
"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even one which cannot be justified on any other grounds."\n-- J. Finnegan, USC.
That does not compute.
"That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but they're not coming out on the damn printer...  Hold?  Sure, I'll hold."\n-- e.e. cummings last service call
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they really hate is lousy programmers.\n-- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull.\n-- Andy Purshottam
The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8.\n-- R.B. Greenberg [referring to PDPs?]
The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing.\n-- T. Cheatham
The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*.\n-- Bart Miller
"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty.  You might want to mug someone with it."\n-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves.\n-- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."\n-- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore
The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer.\n-- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only Memory".  Ed.]
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second per second.
The bogosity meter just pegged.
The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time.\n-- Kay Bostic
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language."
The clothes have no emperor.\n-- C.A.R. Hoare, commenting on ADA.
The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 50's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into the 80's.\n-- Marty Winston
The computer is to the information industry roughly what the central power station is to the electrical industry.\n-- Peter Drucker
"The Computer made me do it."
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.\n-- Alan Perlis
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.\n-- Bjarne Stroustrup
The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
The difference between art and science is that science is what we understand well enough to explain to a computer.  Art is everything else.\n-- Donald Knuth, "Discover"
The disks are getting full; purge a file today.
"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not Compute' -- I forget which."\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
The first time, it's a KLUDGE! The second, a trick. Later, it's a well-established technique!\n-- Mike Broido, Intermetrics
The first version always gets thrown away.
The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation.\n-- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at least until we've finished building it.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity\n-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
The IBM 2250 is impressive ... if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price.\n-- D. Cohen
The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair".\n-- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group"
The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws).\n-- Doug Gwyn
The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs."\n-- Roy Blount, Jr.
The less time planning, the more time programming.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH".  LITHP is said to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best.
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear.  No change in management can harm him.  He will not be fired, even if the project is canceled. Why is this?  He is filled with the Tao.\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak."
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.\n-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the lower the mailing cost.\n-- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
The most important early product on the way to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that!\n-- James 'Kibo' Parry
The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system.\nBut let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay:\nfor whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.\n-- Matthew 5:37
The next person to mention spaghetti stacks to me is going to have his head knocked off.\n-- Bill Conrad
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.\n-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night.
The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.\n-- Dennis M. Ritchie
The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are correct.\n-- Ralph Hartley
The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely proportional to the number of bugs in their code.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.\n-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972
The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is that the car salesman knows he's lying.
The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk.
The only thing worse than X Windows: (X Windows) - X
The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes.  Fully clothed, I might add.\n-- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court
The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip market.  Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose"\n-- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get results.\nThe problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy problems in order to get results.\nThe problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy problems in order to get results.
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded with sloppy english.\n-- Edsger Dijkstra
The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead.
The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a horse.\n-- Jac Goudsmit
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The relative importance of files depends on their cost in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them.\n-- T.A. Dolotta
The road to hell is paved with NAND gates.\n-- J. Gooding
The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone beat their head on the keyboard.  After working with it... I can see why!\n-- Harry Skelton
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an "airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once.\n-- Fred Brooks
The steady state of disks is full.\n-- Ken Thompson
The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday.
The system will be down for 10 days for preventive maintenance.
The Tao is like a glob pattern|used but never used up. It is like the extern void: filled with infinite possibilities. It is masked but always present. I don't know who built to it. It came before the first kernel.
The trouble with computers is that they do what you tell them, not what you want.\n-- D. Cohen
The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to hang yourself.  And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.\n-- Edsger Dijkstra
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offence.\n-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
The world is coming to an end.  Please log off.
The world is not octal despite DEC.
The world will end in 5 minutes.  Please log out.
The young lady had an unusual list, Linked in part to a structural weakness. She set no preconditions.
THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVELININTHENIGHTDUDE
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There are new messages.
There are no games on this system.
There are running jobs.  Why don't you go chase them?
There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix.
There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.
There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.\n-- Jeremy S. Anderson
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.\n-- C.A.R. Hoare
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.
There is is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.\n-- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977
There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game.
There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go.
They are called computers simply because computation is the only significant job that has so far been given to them.
They are relatively good but absolutely terrible.\n-- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos
They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when not actually threatened.  How very nice for authority.  I decided not to learn this particular lesson.\n-- Richard Stallman
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobozz Magic Co., Ltd.
This file will self-destruct in five minutes.
This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.
"This is lemma 1.1.  We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back to one."\n-- Prof. Seager, C&O 351
This login session: $13.76, but for you $11.88.
This login session: $13.99
This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does something child-like.\n-- Forbes Burkowski, CS 454, University of Washington
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * *
Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse at are called software.\n-- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological Literacy for the 1990's.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.\n-- Henry Spencer
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
Thus spake the master programmer|"A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program is its own hell."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"Let the programmers be many and the managers few -- then all will be productive."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"Time for you to leave."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"When you have learned to snatch the error code from the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"Without the wind, the grass does not move.  Without software, hardware is useless."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Thus spake the master programmer|"You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you can't make him computer literate."\n-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer.
Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business.\n-- H.R.J. Grosch (attributed)
To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift.\n-- Shelley
To communicate is the beginning of understanding.\n-- AT&T
To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so.
To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.\n-- Robert Heller
To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor micro and then try to run it on OS/2.  I mean, get serious.\n-- William Zachmann, International Data Corp
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a test load.
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Today is a good day for information-gathering.  Read someone else's mail file.
Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
Tomorrow's computers some time next month.\n-- DEC
Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software."\n-- Instrument News [Once is too often.  Ed.]
TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED
Trap full -- please empty.
Truly simple systems... require infinite testing.\n-- Norman Augustine
Try `stty 0' -- it works much better.
try again
Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly.
Type louder, please.
U       X e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159...
Ummm, well, OK.  The network's the network, the computer's the computer. Sorry for the confusion.\n-- Sun Microsystems
"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?"\n"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?"\n-- MacNelley, "Shoe"
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys.  I have many friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.\n-- Jon Bentley
UNIX enhancements aren't.
Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.\n-- Eric Allman ... We make rope. -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystem's new virtual memory.
Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories.\n-- Donn Seeley
* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories.
UNIX is hot.  It's more than hot.  It's steaming.  It's quicksilver lightning with a laserbeam kicker.\n-- Michael Jay Tucker
UNIX is many things to many people, but it's never been everything to anybody.
Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others.\n-- Berry Kercheval
Unix soit qui mal y pense\n[Unix to him who evil thinks?]
UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on Tue Nov  5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch).\n-- Andy Tannenbaum
UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that would also stop you from doing clever things.\n-- Doug Gwyn
Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1...
Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ...
Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir
USENET would be a better laboratory if there were more labor and less oratory.\n-- Elizabeth Haley
User hostile.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.\n-- S.C. Johnson
/usr/news/gotcha
Variables don't; constants aren't.
Vax Vobiscum
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely un-beer-like contents.
VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
VMS version 2.0 ==>
<< WAIT >>
Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing?
We all agree on the necessity of compromise.  We just can't agree on when it's necessary to compromise.\n-- Larry Wall
We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge.\n-- John Naisbitt, Megatrends
We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal.
We are Microsoft.  Unix is irrelevant.  Openness is futile.  Prepare to be assimilated.
We are not a clone.
"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem."\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers Manual.\n-- Andrew Hume
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.\n-- Edsger Dijkstra
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things.\n-- R.W. Hamming
Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? D    G    G    O O    Y    A    N A    D    B    T K    I    S    P Enter words: >
What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.
"What is the Nature of God?"\nCLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!=\n1 QT. SOUR CREAM\n1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT\n1/2 CUT CHIVES.\nSTIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. "I've just GOT to start labeling my software..."\n-- Bloom County
What the hell is it good for?\n-- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
"What's that thing?"\n"Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in computer repair.  Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what it does.  We call it a two-by-four."\n-- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?"
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.\n-- Fred Brooks
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- except our fingertips will have been singed.\n-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equpped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons.\n-- Popular Mechanics, March 1949
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..."
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?
Why do we want intelligent terminals  when there are so many stupid users?
Windows Airlines|The terminal is very neat and clean, the attendants all very attractive, the pilots very capable. The fleet of Learjets the carrier operates is immense. Your jet takes off without a hitch, pushing above the clouds, and at 20,000 feet it explodes without warning.
With your bare hands?!?
Within a computer, natural language is unnatural.
Work continues in this area.\n-- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton
Worthless.\n-- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 15, 1842.
Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!!
Writing software is more fun than working.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together.\n-- Steve Higgins
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars, and Pluto, but not necessarily in that order.\n-- George Michaelson
You are an insult to my intelligence!  I demand that you log off immediately.
You are false data.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike.
You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different.
You are in the hall of the mountain king.
You are lost in the Swamps of Despair.
You can be replaced by this computer.
You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on.\n-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
You can do this in a number of ways.  IBM chose to do all of them. Why do you find that funny?\n-- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on the continuing viability of FORTRAN.\n-- Alan Perlis
You can now buy more gates with less specifications than at any other time in history.\n-- Kenneth Parker
You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.\n-- Steven Feiner
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. You can tune a filesystem, but you can't tuna fish.\n-- from the tunefs(8) man page
You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.\n-- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
You can't take damsel here now.
You do not have mail.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You had mail.  Paul read it, so ask him what it said.
You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
You have a message from the operator.
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- You are permanently confused.\n-- Dave Decot
You have junk mail.
You have mail.
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one.
You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to...
You might have mail.
You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
You will have a head crash on your private pack.
You will have many recoverable tape errors.
You will lose an important disk file.
You will lose an important tape file.
You're already carrying the sphere!
You're at Witt's End.
You're not Dave.  Who are you?
You're using a keyboard!  How quaint!
You've been Berkeley'ed!
Your code should be more efficient!
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please reauthorize.
Your computer account is overdrawn.  Please see Big Brother.
Your fault -- core dumped
Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. EOF
Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII.
Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
I mean, if 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", well that would be enough immortality for me.
As seen on slashdot about what you can do with your cable modems|(http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=32387&cid=3495418): Summary: It's not about how you handle your equipment, it's where you have permission to stick it. The post is by "redgekko"
"The biggest problem facing software engineering is the one it will\nnever solve - politics."\n-- Gavin Baker, ca 1996, An unusually cynical moment inspired by working on a large project beseiged by politics
"Don't fear the pen. When in doubt, draw a pretty picture."\n--Baker's Third Law of Design.
Breakpoint 1, main (argc=1, argv=0xbffffc40) at main.c:29 29   printf ("Welcome to GNU Hell!\n");\n-- "GNU Libtool documentation"
"You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct."\n- M. Somerset Maugham
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."\n- Bert Lantz
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."\n- Oscar Wilde
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."\n- Voltaire
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"\n- Heisenberg
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling to get adapted to my kind of fooling"\n- R. Frost
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"\n- Ben Jonson
And thou shalt eat it as barley cakes, and thou shalt bake it with dung that cometh out of man, in their sight...Then he [the Lord!] said unto me, Lo, I have given thee cow's dung for man's dung, and thou shalt prepare thy bread therewith. [Ezek. 4:12-15 (KJV)]
Wear me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is strong as death, passion cruel as the grave; it blazes up like blazing fire, fiercer than any flame. [Song of Solomon 8:6 (NEB)]
But Rabshakeh said unto them, Hath my master sent me to thy master, and to thee, to speak these words?  Hath he not sent me to the men which sit on the wall, that they may eat their own dung, and drink their own piss with you? [2 Kings 18:27 (KJV)]
When Yahweh your gods has settled you in the land you're about to occupy, and driven out many infidels before you...you're to cut them down and exterminate them.  You're to make no compromise with them or show them any mercy. [Deut. 7:1 (KJV)]
I just thought of something funny...your mother.\n- Cheech Marin
You will be successful in your work.
The life of a repo man is always intense.
If you're not careful, you're going to catch something.
That's the thing about people who think they hate computers.  What they really hate is lousy programmers.\n- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty"
Wherever you go...There you are.\n- Buckaroo Banzai
Life in the state of nature is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.\n- Thomas Hobbes, Leviathan
Lack of skill dictates economy of style.\n- Joey Ramone
No one is fit to be trusted with power. ... No one. ... Any man who has lived at all knows the follies and wickedness he's capabe of. ... And if he does know it, he knows also that neither he nor any man ought to be allowed to decide a single human fate.\n- C. P. Snow, The Light and the Dark
Successful and fortunate crime is called virtue.\n- Seneca
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the history of war have so few been led by so many.\n- General James Gavin
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.\n- Edmund Burke
You may call me by my name, Wirth, or by my value, Worth.\n- Nicklaus Wirth
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner.\n- Calvin Keegan
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.\n- Niels Bohr
The computer can't tell you the emotional story.  It can give you the exact mathematical design, but what's missing is the eyebrows.\n- Frank Zappa
Things are not as simple as they seems at first.\n- Edward Thorp
The main thing is the play itself.  I swear that greed for money has nothing to do with it, although heaven knows I am sorely in need of money.\n- Feodor Dostoyevsky
It is surely a great calamity for a human being to have no obsessions.\n- Robert Bly
Machines take me by surprise with great frequency.\n- Alan Turing
Uncertain fortune is thoroughly mastered by the equity of the calculation.\n- Blaise Pascal
After Goliath's defeat, giants ceased to command respect.\n- Freeman Dyson
There are two ways of constructing a software design.  One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies and the other is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.\n- Charles Anthony Richard Hoare
"It was the Law of the Sea, they said.	Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top."\n- Hunter S. Thompson
In the pitiful, multipage, connection-boxed form to which the flowchart has today been elaborated, it has proved to be useless as a design tool -- programmers draw flowcharts after, not before, writing the programs they describe.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an "airplane-seat" metaphor.  Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- one can see only a very few things at once.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
...when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
...computer hardware progress is so fast.  No other technology since civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price gain in 30 years.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
Digital computers are themselves more complex than most things people build|They hyave very large numbers of states.  This makes conceiving, describing, and testing them hard.  Software systems have orders-of-magnitude more states than computers do.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
The complexity of software is an essential property, not an accidental one. Hence, descriptions of a software entity that abstract away its complexity often abstract away its essence.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary.  No such faith comforts the software engineer.\n- Fred Brooks, Jr.
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.\n- Ellyn Mustard
The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems and solutions we can imagine is very close.  For this reason restricting language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best dangerous.\n- Bjarne Stroustrup in "The C++ Programming Language"
The only way to learn a new programming language is by writing programs in it.\n- Brian Kernighan
Perfection is acheived only on the point of collapse.\n- C. N. Parkinson
There you go man, Keep as cool as you can. It riles them to believe that you perceive the web they weave. Keep on being free!
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, and you'll be Gary, Indiana. - Jessie in the movie "Greaser's Palace"
Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. - Peanuts
Police up your spare rounds and frags.  Don't leave nothin' for the dinks.\n- Willem Dafoe in "Platoon"
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."\n-- Jane Wagner
"Any medium powerful enough to extend man's reach is powerful enough to topple his world.  To get the medium's magic to work for one's aims rather than against them is to attain literacy."\n-- Alan Kay, "Computer Software", Scientific American, September 1984
"The greatest warriors are the ones who fight for peace."\n-- Holly Near
"No matter where you go, there you are..."\n-- Buckaroo Banzai
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be prosecuted.
Trespassers will be shot.  Survivors will be SHOT AGAIN!
"I'm growing older, but not up."\n-- Jimmy Buffett
Scientists will study your brain to learn more about your distant cousin, Man.
"I hate the itching.  But I don't mind the swelling."\n-- new buzz phrase, like "Where's the Beef?" that David Letterman's trying to get everyone to start saying
Your own mileage may vary.
"Oh dear, I think you'll find reality's on the blink again."\n-- Marvin The Paranoid Android
"Send lawyers, guns and money..."\n-- Lyrics from a Warren Zevon song
"I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs."\n- H. L. Mencken
"Remember, Information is not knowledge; Knowledge is not Wisdom; Wisdom is not truth; Truth is not beauty; Beauty is not love; Love is not music; Music is the best." -- Frank Zappa
I can't drive 55.
"And they told us, what they wanted...\nWas a sound that could kill some-one, from a distance." -- Kate Bush
"In the face of entropy and nothingness, you kind of have to pretend it's not there if you want to keep writing good code."  -- Karl Lehenbauer
Badges?  We don't need no stinking badges.
I can't drive 55. I'm looking forward to not being able to drive 65, either.
Thank God a million billion times you live in Texas.
"Can you program?"  "Well, I'm literate, if that's what you mean!"
No user-servicable parts inside.  Refer to qualified service personnel.
Regarding astral projection, Woody Allen once wrote, "This is not a bad way to travel, although there is usually a half-hour wait for luggage."
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging.
Do not underestimate the value of print statements for debugging. Don't have aesthetic convulsions when using them, either.
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.\n- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
The evolution of the human race will not be accomplished in the ten thousand years of tame animals, but in the million years of wild animals, because man is and will always be a wild animal.\n-- Charles Galton Darwin
Natural selection won't matter soon, not anywhere as much as concious selection. We will civilize and alter ourselves to suit our ideas of what we can be. Within one more human lifespan, we will have changed ourselves unrecognizably.\n-- Greg Bear
"Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin."\n-- Michael O'Donohugh
...though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end. -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
"It's like deja vu all over again."   -- Yogi Berra
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.\n-- Blaise Pascal
"Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked.  "Begin at the beginning," the King said, gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop." Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
A morsel of genuine history is a thing so rare as to be always valuable.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
To be awake is to be alive.  -- Henry David Thoreau, in "Walden"
A person with one watch knows what time it is; a person with two watches is never sure.   Proverb
You see but you do not observe. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, in "The Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes"
A quarrel is quickly settled when deserted by one party; there is no battle unless there be two.  -- Seneca
Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it.  -- John Keats
The fancy is indeed no other than a mode of memory emancipated from the order of space and time.  -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
What we anticipate seldom occurs; what we least expect generally happens.\n-- Bengamin Disraeli
Nothing in progression can rest on its original plan.  We may as well think of rocking a grown man in the cradle of an infant.  -- Edmund Burke
For every problem there is one solution which is simple, neat, and wrong.\n-- H. L. Mencken
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.\n-- James J. Ling
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.  -- Henry Brook Adams
Each honest calling, each walk of life, has its own elite, its own aristocracy based on excellence of performance.  -- James Bryant Conant
You can observe a lot just by watching.  -- Yogi Berra
If the presence of electricity can be made visible in any part of a circuit, I see no reason why intelligence may not be transmitted instantaneously by electricity.  -- Samuel F. B. Morse
"Mr. Watson, come here, I want you."   -- Alexander Graham Bell
It's currently a problem of access to gigabits through punybaud.\n-- J. C. R. Licklider
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.\n-- Ramsey Clark
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.  -- James Baldwin
Small is beautiful.
...the increased productivity fostered by a friendly environment and quality tools is essential to meet ever increasing demands for software.\n-- M. D. McIlroy, E. N. Pinson and B. A. Tague
It is not best to swap horses while crossing the river.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.\n-- Jean Cocteau
In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them.\n-- Robert Lucky
Get hold of portable property.  -- Charles Dickens, "Great Expectations"
How many hardware guys does it take to change a light bulb? "Well the diagnostics say it's fine buddy, so it's a software problem."
"Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal."\n- Zaphod Beeblebrox in "Hithiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Uncompensated overtime?  Just Say No.
Decaffeinated coffee?  Just Say No.
"Show business is just like high school, except you get paid."\n- Martin Mull
"This isn't brain surgery; it's just television."\n- David Letterman
"Morality is one thing.  Ratings are everything."\n- A Network 23 executive on "Max Headroom"
Live free or die.
"...if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust,\nthis would be a better world."  - Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days"
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.  Inside of a dog, it is too dark to read.
"Probably the best operating system in the world is the [operating system]\nmade for the PDP-11 by Bell Laboratories." - Ted Nelson, October 1977
"All these black people are screwing up my democracy." - Ian Smith
Use the Force, Luke.
I've got a bad feeling about this.
The power to destroy a planet is insignificant when compared to the power of the Force.\n- Darth Vader
When I left you, I was but the pupil.  Now, I am the master.\n- Darth Vader
"Well, well, well!  Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in poison!  How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil?  Come and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!"\n- Alex in "Clockwork Orange"
186,000 Miles per Second.  It's not just a good idea.  IT'S THE LAW.
Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward.
Gee, Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Children begin by loving their parents.  After a time they judge them.  Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.\n- Oscar Wilde
Single tasking: Just Say No.
"Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world."\n- The Beach Boys
"Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas."\n- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
"I think trash is the most important manifestation of culture we have in my lifetime."\n- Johnny Legend
By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve but appeared "abruptly."\n- Newsweek, June 29, 1987, pg. 23
Even if you can deceive people about a product through misleading statements, sooner or later the product will speak for itself.\n- Hajime Karatsu
Memories of you remind me of you.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
Life.  Don't talk to me about life.\n- Marvin the Paranoid Android
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
The world is coming to an end--save your buffers!
grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines.
It is your destiny.\n- Darth Vader
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no substitute for a good blaster at your side.\n- Han Solo
How many QA engineers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 3: 1 to screw it in and 2 to say "I told you so" when it doesn't work.
How many NASA managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "That's a known problem... don't worry about it."
To be is to program.
To program is to be.
I program, therefore I am.
People are very flexible and learn to adjust to strange surroundings -- they can become accustomed to read Lisp and Fortran programs, for example.\n- Leon Sterling and Ehud Shapiro, Art of Prolog, MIT Press
"I am your density."\n-- George McFly in "Back to the Future"
"So why don't you make like a tree, and get outta here."\n-- Biff in "Back to the Future"
"Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in restraint."\n-- Dave Sim, author of Cerebrus.
The existence of god implies a violation of causality.
"I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously."\n- Doctor Graper
Operating-system software is the program that orchestrates all the basic functions of a computer.\n- The Wall Street Journal, Tuesday, September 15, 1987, page 40
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.\n- Francis Bellamy, 1892
People think my friend George is weird because he wears sideburns...behind his ears.  I think he's weird because he wears false teeth...with braces on them.\n-- Steven Wright
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".\n-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything... where would you put it?\n-- Steven Wright
I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.\n-- Steven Wright
You know that feeling when you're leaning back on a stool and it starts to tip over?  Well, that's how I feel all the time.\n-- Steven Wright
I came home the other night and tried to open the door with my car keys...and the building started up.  So I took it out for a drive.  A cop pulled me over for speeding.  He asked me where I live... "Right here".\n-- Steven Wright
"Live or die, I'll make a million."\n-- Reebus Kneebus, before his jump to the center of the earth, Firesign Theater
The typical page layout program is nothing more than an electronic light table for cutting and pasting documents.
There are bugs and then there are bugs.  And then there are bugs.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
My computer can beat up your computer.\n- Karl Lehenbauer
Kill Ugly Processor Architectures\n- Karl Lehenbauer
Kill Ugly Radio\n- Frank Zappa
"Just Say No."   - Nancy Reagan "No."            - Ronald Reagan
Repel them.  Repel them.  Induce them to relinquish the spheroid.\n- Indiana University fans' chant for their perennially bad football team
If it's working, the diagnostics say it's fine. If it's not working, the diagnostics say it's fine.\n- A proposed addition to rules for realtime programming
I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjution with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder child.\n- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD
In the realm of scientific observation, luck is granted only to those who are prepared.\n- Louis Pasteur
core error - bus dumped
If imprinted foil seal under cap is broken or missing when purchased, do not use.
"Come on over here, baby, I want to do a thing with you."\n- A Cop, arresting a non-groovy person after the revolution, Firesign Theater
"Ahead warp factor 1"\n- Captain Kirk
Harrison's Postulate|For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Mr. Cole's Axiom|The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Felson's Law|To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.\n- Sir Peter Medawar, The Art of the Soluble
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.\n- Oscar Wilde
Unix:  Some say the learning curve is steep, but you only have to climb it once.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
Sometimes, too long is too long.\n- Joe Crowe
When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle.\n- Edmund Burke
"Of all the tyrannies that affect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst."\n- Thomas Paine
"I say we take off; nuke the site from orbit.  It's the only way to be sure."\n- Corporal Hicks, in "Aliens"
"There is nothing so deadly as not to hold up to people the opportunity to do great and wonderful things, if we wish to stimulate them in an active way."\n- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
"Athens built the Acropolis.  Corinth was a commercial city, interested in purely materialistic things.  Today we admire Athens, visit it, preserve the old temples, yet we hardly ever set foot in Corinth."\n- Dr. Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate in chemistry
I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon...\n- Lyndon B. Johnson
Life's the same, except for the shoes.\n- The Cars
Purple hum Assorted cars Laser lights, you bring All to prove You're on the move and vanishing\n- The Cars
Could be you're crossing the fine line A silly driver kind of...off the wall You keep it cool when it's t-t-tight ...eyes wide open when you start to fall.\n- The Cars
Adapt.  Enjoy.  Survive.
Were there fewer fools, knaves would starve.\n- Anonymous
Humanity has the stars in its future, and that future is too important to be lost under the burden of juvenile folly and ignorant superstition.\n- Isaac Asimov
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no clothes!  He is naked!"\n- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
"Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of Silly Putty."\n-  Dennis Rawlins, astronomer
Those who believe that they believe in God, but without passion in their hearts, without anguish in mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God idea, not God Himself.\n- Miguel de Unamuno, Spanish philosopher and writer
Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.\n- Kahlil Gibran
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.\n- Paul Tillich, German theologian and historian
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.\n- Voltaire
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.\n- Woody Allen
I cannot affirm God if I fail to affirm man.  Therefore, I affirm both. Without a belief in human unity I am hungry and incomplete.  Human unity is the fulfillment of diversity.  It is the harmony of opposites.  It is a many-stranded texture, with color and depth.\n- Norman Cousins
To downgrade the human mind is bad theology.\n- C. K. Chesterton
Life is a process, not a principle, a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved.\n- Gerard Straub, television producer and author (stolen from Frank Herbert??)
So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and our doubts serve to reassure us.\n- Jean-Pierre de Caussade, eighteenth-century Jesuit priest
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurence of the improbable.\n- H. L. Mencken
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of criminal at the bar of justice.\n- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer, misogynist
I judge a religion as being good or bad based on whether its adherents become better people as a result of practicing it.\n- Joe Mullally, computer salesman
Imitation is the sincerest form of plagarism.
"Unibus timeout fatal trap program lost sorry"\n- An error message printed by DEC's RSTS operating system for the PDP-11
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One to hold the giraffe and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored power tools.
How many Bavarian Illuminati does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three: one to screw it in, and one to confuse the issue.
How long does it take a DEC field service engineer to change a lightbulb? It depends on how many bad ones he brought with him.
It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no God. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.\n- Thomas Jefferson
I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, nor by any Church that I know of.  My own mind is my own Church.\n- Thomas Paine
God requireth not a uniformity of religion.\n- Roger Williams
I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature.\n- Thomas Jefferson
The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity.  Nowhere in the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.\n- John Adams
The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion.  I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma.\n- Abraham Lincoln
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.\n- Oliver North
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.\n- Clarence Darrow
We're here to give you a computer, not a religion.\n- attributed to Bob Pariseau, at the introduction of the Amiga
...there can be no public or private virtue unless the foundation of action is the practice of truth.\n- George Jacob Holyoake
"If you'll excuse me a minute, I'm going to have a cup of coffee."\n- broadcast from Apollo 11's LEM, "Eagle", to Johnson Space Center, Houston July 20, 1969, 7:27 P.M.
The meek are contesting the will.
I'm sick of being trodden on!  The Elder Gods say they can make me a man! All it costs is my soul!  I'll do it, cuz NOW I'M MAD!!!\n- Necronomicomics #1, Jack Herman & Jeff Dee
"I'm a mean green mother from outer space"\n-- Audrey II, The Little Shop of Horrors
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.\n- Andy Finkel, computer guy
Being schizophrenic is better than living alone.
NOWPRINT. NOWPRINT. Clemclone, back to the shadows again.\n- The Firesign Theater
Yes, many primitive people still believe this myth...But in today's technical vastness of the future, we can guess that surely things were much different.\n- The Firesign Theater
...this is an awesome sight.  The entire rebel resistance buried under six million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch."\n- The Firesign Theater
We want to create puppets that pull their own strings.\n- Ann Marion
I know engineers.  They love to change things.\n- Dr. McCoy
On our campus the UNIX system has proved to be not only an effective software tool, but an agent of technical and social change within the University.\n- John Lions (University of New South Wales)
Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly.\n- Henry Spencer, University of Toronto Unix hack
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.\n- Mark Twain
The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money.\n- Ed Bluestone
He's dead, Jim.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.\n- David Letterman
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.\n- Al Capone
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.\n- Frank Zappa
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not.  But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.\n- Monty Python
"There is no statute of limitations on stupidity."\n-- Randomly produced by a computer program called Markov3.
There is a time in the tides of men, Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. On the other hand, don't count on it.\n- T. K. Lawson
To follow foolish precedents, and wink With both our eyes, is easier than to think.\n- William Cowper
It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters.\n- Lucius Annaeus Seneca (4 B.C. - A.D. 65)
Nothing ever becomes real until it is experienced.\n- John Keats
Your good nature will bring you unbounded happiness.
"We can't schedule an orgy, it might be construed as fighting"\n--Stanley Sutton
Weekends were made for programming.\n- Karl Lehenbauer
This was the ultimate form of ostentation among technology freaks -- to have a system so complete and sophisticated that nothing showed; no machines, no wires, no controls.\n- Michael Swanwick, "Vacuum Flowers"
"Ada is the work of an architect, not a computer scientist."\n- Jean Icbiah, inventor of Ada, weenie
Evolution is a bankrupt speculative philosophy, not a scientific fact. Only a spiritually bankrupt society could ever believe it. ... Only atheists could accept this Satanic theory.\n- Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, "The Pre-Adamic Creation and Evolution"
Now I lay me down to sleep I hear the sirens in the street All my dreams are made of chrome I have no way to get back home\n- Tom Waits
I am here by the will of the people and I won't leave until I get my raincoat back.\n- a slogan of the anarchists in Richard Kadrey's "Metrophage"
How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb ? Seven:  One to install the new bulb, and six to determine what to do\nwith the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Mike's Law|For a lumber company employing two men and a cut-off saw, the marginal product of labor for any number of additional workers equals zero until the acquisition of another cut-off saw. Let's not even consider a chainsaw.\n- Mike Dennison [You could always schedule the saw, though - ed.]
As long as we're going to reinvent the wheel again, we might as well try making it round this time.\n- Mike Dennison
This restaurant was advertising breakfast any time. So I ordered french toast in the renaissance.\n- Steven Wright, comedian
Everyone has a purpose in life.  Perhaps yours is watching television.\n- David Letterman
e-credibility: the non-guaranteeable likelihood that the electronic data you're seeing is genuine rather than somebody's made-up crap.\n- Karl Lehenbauer
Whenever people agree with me, I always think I must be wrong.\n- Oscar Wilde
My mother is a fish.\n- William Faulkner
The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational knowledge.\n- Albert Einstein
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.\n- Eleanor Roosevelt
Spiritual leadership should remain spiritual leadership and the temporal power should not become too important in any church.\n- Eleanor Roosevelt
Truth has always been found to promote the best interests of mankind...\n- Percy Bysshe Shelley
It is wrong always, everywhere and for everyone to believe anything upon insufficient evidence.\n- W. K. Clifford, British philosopher, circa 1876
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.\n- Voltaire
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature.\n- Voltaire
It is clear that the individual who persecutes a man, his brother, because he is not of the same opinion, is a monster.\n- Voltaire
The man scarce lives who is not more credulous than he ought to be.... The natural disposition is always to believe.  It is acquired wisdom and experience only that teach incredulity, and they very seldom teach it enough.\n- Adam Smith
"I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass."\n- Senator Barry Goldwater, when asked what he thought of Jerry Falwell's suggestion that all good Christians should be against Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
...it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability.\n- Sidney Hook
A fanatic is a person who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.\n- Winston Churchill
We're fighting against humanism, we're fighting against liberalism... we are fighting against all the systems of Satan that are destroying our nation today...our battle is with Satan himself.\n- Jerry Falwell
They [preachers] dread the advance of science as witches do the approach of daylight and scowl on the fatal harbinger announcing the subversions of the duperies on which they live.\n- Thomas Jefferson
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proven innocent.\n- George Orwell
Nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer; nothing is more difficult than to understand him.\n- Fyodor Dostoevski
The Messiah will come.  There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated.\n- Rabbi Meir Kahane
The world is no nursery.\n- Sigmund Freud
...I would go so far as to suggest that, were it not for our ego and concern to be different, the African apes would be included in our family, the Hominidae.\n- Richard Leakey
"Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature.  It's a piss-poor reptile and not very much of a bird."\n- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a zoologist who has studied the archeopteryz and found it "very much like people"
"You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape."\n- Ellyn Mustard
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to\ncreate him."\n-Arthur C. Clarke
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"\n-Ronald Reagan
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things\nwe don't know yet."\n-Ambrose Bierce
"Plan to throw one away.  You will anyway."\n- Fred Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
You need tender loving care once a week - so that I can slap you into shape.\n- Ellyn Mustard
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to\ncreate him."\n-Arthur C. Clarke
"Why should we subsidize intellectual curiosity?"\n-Ronald Reagan
"There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things\nwe don't know yet."\n-Ambrose Bierce
"I have just one word for you, my boy...plastics."\n- from "The Graduate"
"There is such a fine line between genius and stupidity."\n- David St. Hubbins, "Spinal Tap"
"If Diet Coke did not exist it would have been neccessary to invent it."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
In space, no one can hear you fart.
Brain damage is all in your head.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
Wish and hope succeed in discerning signs of paranormality where reason and careful scientific procedure fail.\n- James E. Alcock, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. 12
"It is better to have tried and failed than to have failed to try, but the result's the same."\n- Mike Dennison
It is not well to be thought of as one who meekly submits to insolence and intimidation.
"Regardless of the legal speed limit, your Buick must be operated at speeds faster than 85 MPH (140kph)."\n-- 1987 Buick Grand National owners manual.
"Your attitude determines your attitude."\n-- Zig Ziglar, self-improvement doofus
Thufir's a Harkonnen now.
"By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun."\n-- P. J. Plauger, from his April Fool's column in April 88's "Computer Language"
"If you want to eat hippopatomus, you've got to pay the freight."\n-- attributed to an IBM guy, about why IBM software uses so much memory
Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to fill the time alloted it.
Karl's version of Parkinson's Law:  Work expands to exceed the time alloted it.
It is better to never have tried anything than to have tried something and failed.\n- motto of jerks, weenies and losers everywhere
"...all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned products, if they are built at all, are dogs!"\n-- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", MIT Press, 1987
"To take a significant step forward, you must make a series of finite improvements."\n-- Donald J. Atwood, General Motors
"We will bury you."\n-- Nikita Kruschev
"Now here's something you're really going to like!"\n-- Rocket J. Squirrel
"How to make a million dollars:  First, get a million dollars."\n-- Steve Martin
"Language shapes the way we think, and determines what we can think about."\n-- B. L. Whorf
"For the love of phlegm...a stupid wall of death rays.  How tacky can ya get?"\n- Post Brothers comics
"Bureaucracy is the enemy of innovation."\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
"An organization dries up if you don't challenge it with growth."\n-- Mark Shepherd, former President and CEO of Texas Instruments
"I've seen it.  It's rubbish."\n-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
Our business is run on trust.  We trust you will pay in advance.
"Infidels in all ages have battled for the rights of man, and have at all times been the fearless advocates of liberty and justice."\n-- Robert Green Ingersoll
I find you lack of faith in the forth dithturbing.\n- Darse ("Darth") Vader
"All Bibles are man-made."\n-- Thomas Edison
"Spock, did you see the looks on their faces?" "Yes, Captain, a sort of vacant contentment."
"The triumph of libertarian anarchy is nearly (in historical terms) at hand... *if* we can keep the Left from selling us into slavery and the Right from blowing us up for, say, the next twenty years."\n-- Eric Rayman, usenet guy, about nanotechnology
"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love."\n-- Albert Einstein
"I think Michael is like litmus paper - he's always trying to learn."\n-- Elizabeth Taylor, absurd non-sequitir about Michael Jackson
"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's printed on."\n- Samuel Goldwyn
"We shall reach greater and greater platitudes of achievement."\n-- Richard J. Daley
"With molasses you catch flies, with vinegar you catch nobody."\n-- Baltimore City Councilman Dominic DiPietro
"Lead us in a few words of silent prayer."\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
"I couldn't remember things until I took that Sam Carnegie course."\n-- Bill Peterson, former Houston Oiler football coach
"Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned."\n-- Baseball pitcher Bo Belinsky
"Ninety percent of baseball is half mental."\n-- Yogi Berra
"jackpot:  you may have an unneccessary change record"\n-- message from "diff"
"One lawyer can steal more than a hundred men with guns."\n-- The Godfather
What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used car salesman? A used car salesman knows when he's lying.
"Those who will be able to conquer software will be able to conquer the world."\n-- Tadahiro Sekimoto, president, NEC Corp.
"There are some good people in it, but the orchestra as a whole is equivalent to a gang bent on destruction."\n-- John Cage, composer
"I believe the use of noise to make music will increase until we reach a music produced through the aid of electrical instruments which will make available for musical purposes any and all sounds that can be heard."\n-- composer John Cage, 1937
"One day I woke up and discovered that I was in love with tripe."\n-- Tom Anderson
"Most people would like to be delivered from\ntemptation but would like it to keep in touch."\n-- Robert Orben
The rule on staying alive as a program manager is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
An optimist believes we live in the best world possible; a pessimist fears this is true.
"If John Madden steps outside on February 2, looks down, and doesn't see his feet, we'll have 6 more weeks of Pro football."\n-- Chuck Newcombe
Dead?	No excuse for laying off work.
Lead me not into temptation... I can find it myself.
"When people are least sure, they are often most dogmatic."\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Nature is very un-American.  Nature never hurries."\n-- William George Jordan
"We learn from history that we learn nothing from history."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"Flattery is all right -- if you don't inhale."\n-- Adlai Stevenson
"Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago."\n-- Bernard Berenson
"Summit meetings tend to be like panda matings.	 The expectations are always high, and the results usually disappointing."\n-- Robert Orben
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."\n-- William James
"Tell the truth and run."\n-- Yugoslav proverb
"The best index to a person's character is a) how he treats people who can't do him any good and b) how he treats people who can't fight back."\n-- Abigail Van Buren
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning."\n-- Marlo Thomas
"Life is a garment we continuously alter, but which never seems to fit."\n-- David McCord
"The value of marriage is not that adults produce children, but that children produce adults."\n-- Peter De Vries
"It is easier to fight for principles than to live up to them."\n-- Alfred Adler
"Security is mostly a superstition.  It does not exist in nature... Life is either a daring adventure or nothing."\n-- Helen Keller
"Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."\n-- Albert Einstein
"Success covers a multitude of blunders."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"The mark of an immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one."\n-- William Stekel
"Yes, and I feel bad about rendering their useless carci into dogfood..."\n-- Badger comics
"Is it really you, Fuzz, or is it Memorex, or is it radiation sickness?"\n-- Sonic Disruptors comics
"Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we like and make up reasons for it afterwards."\n-- Soren F. Petersen
"You're a creature of the night, Michael.  Wait'll Mom hears about this."\n-- from the movie "The Lost Boys"
"Plastic gun.  Ingenious.  More coffee, please."\n-- The Phantom comics
The game of life is a game of boomerangs.  Our thoughts, deeds and words return to us sooner or later with astounding accuracy.
If at first you don't succeed, you are running about average.
"A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten."\n-- Doug Larson
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was."\n-- Walt West
"Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone."\n-- G. B. Stearn
"In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current."\n-- Thomas Jefferson
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.
"But this one goes to eleven."\n-- Nigel Tufnel
"Been through Hell?  Whaddya bring back for me?"\n-- A. Brilliant
"I don't know what their\ngripe is.  A critic is\nsimply someone paid to\nrender opinions glibly."\n"Critics are grinks and\ngroinks."\n-- Baron and Badger, from Badger comics
"I've got some amyls.  We could either party later or, like, start his heart."\n-- "Cheech and Chong's Next Movie"
"Israel today announced that it is giving up.  The Zionist state will dissolve in two weeks time, and its citizens will disperse to various resort communities around the world.  Said Prime Minister Yitzhak Shamir, 'Who needs the aggravation?'"\n-- Dennis Miller, "Satuday Night Live" News
"And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report."\n-- Dave Barry
SHOP OR DIE, people of Earth! [offer void where prohibited]\n-- Capitalists from outer space, from Justice League Int'l comics
"Roman Polanski makes his own blood.  He's smart -- that's why his movies work."\n-- A brilliant director at "Frank's Place"
"The following is not for the weak of heart or Fundamentalists."\n-- Dave Barry
"I take Him shopping with me. I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain'"\n--Tammy Faye Bakker
Gary Hart:  living proof that you *can* screw your brains out.
Blessed be those who initiate lively discussions with the hopelessly mute, for they shall be know as Dentists.
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."\n-- Howard Chaykin
"Ever free-climbed a thousand foot vertical cliff with 60 pounds of gear strapped to your butt?"\n"No." "'Course you haven't, you fruit-loop little geek."\n-- The Mountain Man, one of Dana Carvey's SNL characters [ditto]
"I mean, like, I just read your article in the Yale law recipe, on search and seizure.  Man, that was really Out There."\n"I was so WRECKED when I wrote that..."\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
"Hi, I'm Professor Alan Ginsburg... But you can call me... Captain Toke."\n-- John Lovitz, as ex-Supreme Court nominee Alan Ginsburg, on SNL
It's great to be smart 'cause then you know stuff.
"Time is money and money can't buy you love and I love your outfit"\n- T.H.U.N.D.E.R. #1
"Can't you just gesture hypnotically and make him disappear?"\n"It does not work that way.  RUN!"\n-- Hadji on metaphyics and Mandrake in "Johnny Quest"
"You shouldn't make my toaster angry."\n-- Household security explained in "Johnny Quest"
"Someone's been mean to you! Tell me who it is, so I can punch him tastefully."\n-- Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
Victory or defeat!
"Everyone is entitled to an *informed* opinion."\n-- Harlan Ellison
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse!  This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"\n-- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."\n-- George Carlin
A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem.
"Daddy, Daddy, make\nSanta Claus go away!"\n"I can't, son;\nhe's grown too\npowerful."\n"HO HO HO!"\n-- Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre
"If it's not loud, it doesn't work!"\n-- Blank Reg, from "Max Headroom"
"Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure that you're the one holding it"\n-- Captain Combat
Delta: We never make the same mistake three times.   -- David Letterman
Delta: A real man lands where he wants to.   -- David Letterman
Delta: The kids will love our inflatable slides.    -- David Letterman
Delta: We're Amtrak with wings.    -- David Letterman
"Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Hello again, Peabody here..."\n-- Mister Peabody
"It's the best thing since professional golfers on 'ludes."\n-- Rick Obidiah
"To your left is the marina where several senior cabinet officials keep luxury yachts for weekend cruises on the Potomac.  Some of these ships are up to 100 feet in length; the Presidential yacht is over 200 feet in length, and can remain submerged for up to 3 weeks."\n-- Garrison Keillor
"Well, social relevance is a schtick, like mysteries, social relevance, science fiction..."\n-- Art Spiegelman
"One of the problems I've always had with propaganda pamphlets is that they're real boring to look at.  They're just badly designed.  People from the left often are very well-intended, but they never had time to take basic design classes, you know?"\n-- Art Spiegelman
"If you took everyone who's ever been to a Dead\nshow, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to\nthe moon and back... and none of them would be\ncomplaining."\n-- a local Deadhead in the Seattle Times
"And remember: Evil will always prevail, because Good is dumb."\n-- Spaceballs
Why are many scientists using lawyers for medical experiments instead of rats?\na)  There are more lawyers than rats.\nb)  The scientist's don't become as\nemotionally attached to them.\nc)  There are some things that even rats\nwon't do for money.
"During the race\nWe may eat your dust,\nBut when you graduate,\nYou'll work for us."\n-- Reed College cheer
Pohl's law|Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand."\n-- James Watt
"I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this\ncountry what it once was... an arctic wilderness."\n-- Steve Martin
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."\n-- Woody Allen
Noncombatant:  A dead Quaker.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
"There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again."\n-- Clint Eastwood
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks.\n-- Lew Col
Q:  How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?|A:  Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab|Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Captain Penny's Law|You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool mom.
"Because he's a character who's looking for his own identity, [He-Man is] an interesting role for an actor."\n-- Dolph Lundgren, "actor"
"If Jesus came back today, and saw what was going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."\n-- Max Von Sydow's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."\n-- Woody Allen's character in "Hannah and Her Sisters"
"Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core."\n-- Hannah Arendt.
Quod licet Iovi non licet bovi. (What Jove may do, is not permitted to a cow.)
"I distrust a man who says 'when.'  If he's got to be careful not to drink too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does."\n-- Sidney Greenstreet, _The Maltese Falcon_
All extremists should be taken out and shot.
"The sixties were good to you, weren't they?"\n-- George Carlin
"You stay here, Audrey -- this is between me and the vegetable!"\n-- Seymour, from _Little Shop Of Horrors_
From Sharp minds come... pointed heads.\n-- Bryan Sparrowhawk
There are two kinds of egotists: 1) Those who admit it  2) The rest of us
"The picture's pretty bleak, gentlemen...  The world's climates are changing, the mammals are taking over, and we all have a brain about the size of a walnut."\n-- some dinosaurs from The Far Side, by Gary Larson
"We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities."\n-- Robin Williams, _Good Morning Vietnam_
Why won't sharks eat lawyers?   Professional courtesy.
"You know, we've won awards for this crap."\n-- David Letterman
It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," thought Frito.\n-- _Bored_of_the_Rings_, a Harvard Lampoon parody of Tolkein
A good USENET motto would be|a. "Together, a strong community." b. "Computers R Us." c. "I'm sick of programming, I think I'll just screw around for a while on company time."\n-- A Sane Man
"He didn't run for reelection.	`Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid,' he said. `I'm staying home.'"\n-- Garrison Keillor, _Lake_Wobegone_Days_
"If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?"\n-- Garrison Keillor
"Mr. Spock succumbs to a powerful mating urge and nearly kills Captain Kirk."\n-- TV Guide, describing the Star Trek episode _Amok_Time_
"Poor man... he was like an employee to me."\n-- The police commisioner on "Sledge Hammer" laments the death of his bodyguard
"Trust me.  I know what I'm doing."\n-- Sledge Hammer
"Hi.  This is Dan Cassidy's answering machine.  Please leave your name and number... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you\nin a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the F.B.I... BEEEP"\n-- Blue Devil comics
"All God's children are not beautiful.	Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."\n-- Fran Lebowitz
"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"\n-- Lily Tomlin
Whom the gods would destroy, they first teach BASIC.
"Look! There! Evil!.. pure and simple, total evil from the Eighth Dimension!"\n-- Buckaroo Banzai
"I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid"\n-- the artificial person, from _Aliens_
"The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in bed with a dead girl or a live boy."\n-- Louisiana governor Edwin Edwards
"Danger, you haven't seen the last of me!"\n"No, but the first of you turns my stomach!"\n-- The Firesign Theatre's Nick Danger
Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore.\n-- Russian Proverb
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.	 If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats."\n-- Howard Aiken
"When anyone says `theoretically,' they really mean `not really.'"\n-- David Parnas
"No problem is so formidable that you can't walk away from it."\n-- C. Schulz
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies.  The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell."\n-- Saint Augustine
"For the man who has everything... Penicillin."\n-- F. Borquin
"I've finally learned what `upward compatible' means.	It means we\nget to keep all our old mistakes."\n-- Dennie van Tassel
"The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones."\n-- Nathaniel Howe
"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware."\n-- Norm, from _Cheers_
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".  Disraeli replied, "That all depends, Sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
"He don't know me vewy well, DO he?"   -- Bugs Bunny
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.\nThat will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."\n-- Daffy Duck, Looney Tunes, _Robin Hood Daffy_
"Would I turn on the gas if my pal Mugsy were in there?"\n"You might, rabbit, you might!"\n-- Looney Tunes, Bugs and Thugs (1954, Friz Freleng)
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."\n-- Looney Tunes, Ali Baba Bunny (1957, Chuck Jones)
"And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?"\n-- Looney Tunes, The Scarlet Pumpernickel (1950, Chuck Jones)
"Now I've got the bead on you with MY disintegrating gun.  And when it disintegrates, it disintegrates.  (pulls trigger)  Well, what you do know, it disintegrated."\n-- Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century
"Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit, Kill the Wabbit!"\n-- Looney Tunes, "What's Opera Doc?" (1957, Chuck Jones)
"I DO want your money, because god wants your money!"\n-- The Reverend Jimmy, from _Repo_Man_
"The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency."\n-- Albert Einstein
"You show me an American who can keep his mouth shut and I'll eat him."\n-- Newspaperman from Frank Capra's _Meet_John_Doe_
"And we heard him exclaim\nAs he started to roam:\n`I'm a hologram, kids,\nplease don't try this at home!'"\n-- Bob Violence -- Howie Chaykin's little animated 3-dimensional darling, Bob Violence
"The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: `Hey you stinking fat Russian, get\noff my Ford Escort.'"\n-- Dennis Miller, Saturday Night Live
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum."\n--Arthur C. Clarke
"They ought to make butt-flavored cat food."   --Gallagher
"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends."\n--Woody Allen
"It's ten o'clock... Do you know where your AI programs are?"  -- Peter Oakley
"Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any sudden moves around than any other city in the world."\n-- David Letterman
"Tourists -- have some fun with New york's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?	I was hitchhiking."\n-- David Letterman
"An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."\n-- David Letterman
"Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?\n1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.\n2) Advising the President.\n3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his\ncoffin."\n-- David Letterman
"If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on\ntelevision with pool cues, who would win?\n1) Ricky Schroder\n2) Gary Coleman\n3) The television viewing public"\n-- David Letterman
"If you are beginning to doubt what I am saying, you are\nprobably hallucinating."\n-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
What to do in case of an alien attack|1)   Hide beneath the seat of your plane and look away. 2)   Avoid eye contact. 3) If there are no eyes, avoid all contact.\n-- The Firesign Theatre, _Everything you know is Wrong_
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."\n- Ted Turner
"You tweachewous miscweant!"\n-- Elmer Fudd
"I saw _Lassie_. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that deserve a series?"\n-- the alien guy, in _Explorers_
"Open Channel D..."\n-- Napoleon Solo, The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
Support Mental Health.  Or I'll kill you.
"The pyramid is opening!"\n"Which one?" "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"\n-- The Firesign Theatre
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."\n-- The Firesign Theatre movie, _J-Men Forever_
"My sense of purpose is gone! I have no idea who I AM!"\n"Oh, my God... You've.. You've turned him into a DEMOCRAT!"\n-- Doonesbury
"You are WRONG, you ol' brass-breasted fascist poop!"\n-- Bloom County
"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *can* you believe?!"\n-- Bullwinkle J. Moose
"Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberrys!"\n-- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
"Take that, you hostile sons-of-bitches!"\n-- James Coburn, in the finale of _The_President's_Analyst_
"The voters have spoken, the bastards..."\n-- unknown
"I prefer to think that God is not dead, just drunk"\n-- John Huston
"Be there.  Aloha."\n-- Steve McGarret, _Hawaii Five-Oh_
"When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro..."\n-- Hunter S. Thompson
"Say yur prayers, yuh flea-pickin' varmint!"\n-- Yosemite Sam
"There... I've run rings 'round you logically"\n-- Monty Python's Flying Circus
"Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown!"\n-- The Ghostbusters
"Just the facts, Ma'am"\n-- Joe Friday
"I have five dollars for each of you."\n-- Bernhard Goetz
Mausoleum:  The final and funniest folly of the rich.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Riches:  A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased."\n-- John D. Rockefeller, (slander by Ambrose Bierce)
All things are either sacred or profane. The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; The latter to the devil appertain.\n-- Dumbo Omohundro
Saint:  A dead sinner revised and edited.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Forty two.
Meekness:  Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.  A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Disobedience:  The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Administration:  An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
A penny saved is a penny to squander.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Physician:  One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Philosophy:  A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Politics:  A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Politician:  An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of organized society is reared.  When he wriggles he mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Pray:  To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Presidency:  The greased pig in the field game of American politics.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Proboscis:  The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him.  For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
"Today's robots are very primitive, capable of understanding only a few\nsimple instructions such as 'go left', 'go right', and 'build car'."\n--John Sladek
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world."\n--Frank Zappa
Here is an Appalachian version of management's answer to those who are concerned with the fate of the project: "Don't worry about the mule.  Just load the wagon."\n-- Mike Dennison's hillbilly uncle
Ill-chosen abstraction is particularly evident in the design of the ADA runtime system. The interface to the ADA runtime system is so opaque that it is impossible to model or predict its performance, making it effectively useless for real-time systems. -- Marc D. Donner and David H. Jameson.
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a bipartisan thing."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
"Here comes Mr. Bill's dog."\n-- Narrator, Saturday Night Live
Sex is like air.  It's only a big deal if you can't get any.
"Maintain an awareness for contribution -- to your schedule, your project, our company."\n-- A Group of Employees
"Ask not what A Group of Employees can do for you.  But ask what can All Employees do for A Group of Employees."\n-- Mike Dennison
Many aligators will be slain, but the swamp will remain.
What the gods would destroy they first submit to an IEEE standards committee.
This is now.  Later is later.
"I will make no bargains with terrorist hardware."\n-- Peter da Silva
"If I do not return to the pulpit this weekend, millions of people will go to hell."\n-- Jimmy Swaggart, 5/20/88
"Dump the condiments.  If we are to be eaten, we don't need to taste good."\n-- "Visionaries" cartoon
"Aww, if you make me cry anymore, you'll fog up my helmet."\n-- "Visionaries" cartoon
I don't want to be young again, I just don't want to get any older.
Marriage Ceremony:  An incredible metaphysical sham of watching God and the law being dragged into the affairs of your family.\n-- O. C. Ogilvie
When it is incorrect, it is, at least *authoritatively* incorrect.\n-- Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy
Voodoo Programming:  Things programmers do that they know shouldn't work but they try anyway, and which sometimes actually work, such as recompiling everything.\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
This is, of course, totally uninformed specualation that I engage in to help support my bias against such meddling... but there you have it.\n-- Peter da Silva, speculating about why a computer program that had been changed to do something he didn't approve of, didn't work
"This knowledge I pursure is the finest pleasure I have ever known.  I could no sooner give it up that I could the very air that I breath."\n-- Paolo Uccello, Renaissance artist, discoverer of the laws of perspective
"I got everybody to pay up front...then I blew up their planet."\n"Now why didn't I think of that?"\n-- Post Bros. Comics
"Atomic batteries to power, turbines to speed."\n-- Robin, The Boy Wonder
The F-15 Eagle|If it's up, we'll shoot it down.  If it's down, we'll blow it up.\n-- A McDonnel-Douglas ad from a few years ago
"The Amiga is the only personal computer where you can run a multitasking operating system and get realtime performance, out of the box."\n-- Peter da Silva
"It's my cookie file and if I come up with something that's lame and I like it, it goes in."\n-- karl (Karl Lehenbauer)
FORTRAN?  The syntactically incorrect statement "DO 10 I = 1.10" will parse and generate code creating a variable, DO10I, as follows: "DO10I = 1.10"  If that doesn't terrify you, it should.
"I knew then (in 1970) that a 4-kbyte minicomputer would cost as much as a house.  So I reasoned that after college, I'd have to live cheaply in an apartment and put all my money into owning a computer."\n-- Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, EE Times, June 6, 1988, pg 45
"I just want to be a good engineer."\n-- Steve Wozniak, co-founder of Apple Computer, concluding his keynote speech at the 1988 AppleFest
"There's always been Tower of Babel sort of bickering inside Unix, but this is the most extreme form ever.  This means at least several years of confusion."\n-- Bill Gates, founder and chairman of Microsoft, about the Open Systems Foundation
"When in doubt, print 'em out."\n-- Karl's Programming Proverb 0x7
Fools ignore complexity.  Pragmatists suffer it. Some can avoid it.  Geniuses remove it.\n-- Perlis's Programming Proverb #58, SIGPLAN Notices, Sept.  1982
"What if" is a trademark of Hewlett Packard, so stop using it in your sentences without permission, or risk being sued.
"We came.  We saw.  We kicked its ass."\n-- Bill Murray, _Ghostbusters_
If you permit yourself to read meanings into (rather than drawing meanings out of) the evidence, you can draw any conclusion you like.\n-- Michael Keith, "The Bar-Code Beast", The Skeptical Enquirer Vol 12 No 4 p 416
"Only a brain-damaged operating system would support task switching and not make the simple next step of supporting multitasking."\n-- George McFry
Sigmund Freud is alleged to have said that in the last analysis the entire field of psychology may reduce to biological electrochemistry.
"Laugh while you can, monkey-boy."\n-- Dr. Emilio Lizardo
"Floggings will continue until morale improves."\n-- anonymous flyer being distributed at Exxon USA
"Hey Ivan, check your six."\n-- Sidewinder missile jacket patch, showing a Sidewinder driving up the tail of a Russian Su-27
"Free markets select for winning solutions."\n-- Eric S. Raymond
"I dislike companies that have a we-are-the-high-priests-of-hardware-so-you'll- like-what-we-give-you attitude.  I like commodity markets in which iron-and- silicon hawkers know that they exist to provide fast toys for software types like me to play with..."\n-- Eric S. Raymond
"The urge to destroy is also a creative urge."\n-- Bakunin [ed. note - I would say: The urge to destroy may sometimes be a creative urge.]
"Wish not to seem, but to be, the best."\n-- Aeschylus
"Survey says..."\n-- Richard Dawson, weenie, on "Family Feud"
"Paul Lynde to block..."\n-- a contestant on "Hollywood Squares"
"Little else matters than to write good code."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
To write good code is a worthy challenge, and a source of civilized delight.\n-- stolen and paraphrased from William Safire
"Stupidity, like virtue, is its own reward"\n-- William E. Davidsen
"If a computer can't directly address all the RAM you can use, it's just a toy."\n-- anonymous comp.sys.amiga posting, non-sequitir
"Never laugh at live dragons, Bilbo you fool!" he said to himself, and it became a favourite saying of his later, and passed into a proverb. "You aren't nearly through this adventure yet," he added, and that was pretty true as well.\n-- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" by J.R.R. Tolkien, Chapter XII
"A dirty mind is a joy forever."\n-- Randy Kunkee
"You can't teach seven foot."\n-- Frank Layton, Utah Jazz basketball coach, when asked why he had recruited a seven-foot tall auto mechanic
"A car is just a big purse on wheels."\n-- Johanna Reynolds
"History is a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions."\n-- Ted Koppel
God grant me the senility to accept the things I cannot change, The frustration to try to change things I cannot affect, and the wisdom to tell the difference.
"Nine years of ballet, asshole."\n-- Shelly Long, to the bad guy after making a jump over a gorge that he couldn't quite, in "Outrageous Fortune"
You are in a maze of UUCP connections, all alike.
"If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's\nhairdo go down?"\n-- Robin Williams
8)   Use common sense in routing cable.  Avoid wrapping coax around sources of\nstrong electric or magnetic fields.  Do not wrap the cable around\nflourescent light ballasts or cyclotrons, for example.\n-- Ethernet Headstart Product, Information and Installation Guide, Bell Technologies, pg. 11
"What a wonder is USENET; such wholesale production of conjecture from such a trifling investment in fact."\n-- Carl S. Gutekunst
VMS must die!
MS-DOS must die!
OS/2 must die!
Pournelle must die!
Garbage In, Gospel Out
"Being against torture ought to be sort of a multipartisan thing."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer, as amended by Jeff Daiell, a Libertarian
"Facts are stupid things."\n-- President Ronald Reagan (a blooper from his speeach at the '88 GOP convention)
"An ounce of prevention is worth a ton of code."\n-- an anonymous programmer
"To IBM, 'open' means there is a modicum of interoperability among some of their equipment."\n-- Harv Masterson
"Just think of a computer as hardware you can program."\n-- Nigel de la Tierre
"If you own a machine, you are in turn owned by it, and spend your time\nserving it..."\n-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, _The Forbidden Tower_
"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."\n-- Albert Einstein
"Card readers?  We don't need no stinking card readers."\n-- Peter da Silva (at the National Academy of Sciencies, 1965, in a particularly vivid fantasy)
Your good nature will bring unbounded happiness.
Semper Fi, dude.
"An entire fraternity of strapping Wall-Street-bound youth.  Hell - this is going to be a blood bath!"\n-- Post Bros. Comics
"Neighbors!!  We got neighbors!  We ain't supposed to have any neighbors, and I just had to shoot one."\n-- Post Bros. Comics
"Gotcha, you snot-necked weenies!"\n-- Post Bros. Comics
interlard - vt., to intersperse; diversify\n-- Webster's New World Dictionary Of The American Language
"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it."\n-- Mark Twain
"How many teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?"\n"FIFTEEN!!  YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?"
"If you weren't my teacher, I'd think you just deleted all my files."\n-- an anonymous UCB CS student, to an instructor who had typed "rm -i *" to get rid of a file named "-f" on a Unix system.
"The hottest places in Hell are reserved for those who, in times of moral crisis, preserved their neutrality."\n-- Dante
"The medium is the message."\n-- Marshall McLuhan
"The medium is the massage."\n-- Crazy Nigel
"Show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser."\n-- Vince Lombardi, football coach
"It might help if we ran the MBA's out of Washington."\n-- Admiral Grace Hopper
Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door.\n-- Martin Amis, _Money_
"Love may fail, but courtesy will previal."\n-- A Kurt Vonnegut fan
"You tried it just for once, found it alright for kicks,\nbut now you find out you have a habit that sticks,\nyou're an orgasm addict,\nyou're always at it,\nand you're an orgasm addict."\n-- The Buzzcocks
"There is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."\n-- Mark Twain
"You'll pay to know what you really think."\n-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
"We live, in a very kooky time."\n-- Herb Blashtfalt
"Pull the wool over your own eyes!"\n-- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
"Okay," Bobby said, getting the hang of it, "then what's the matrix?  If she's a deck, and Danbala's a program, what's cyberspace?"\n"The world," Lucas said.\n-- William Gibson, _Count Zero_
"Our reruns are better than theirs."\n-- Nick at Nite
Life is a game.  Money is how we keep score.\n-- Ted Turner
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."\n-- The Wizard Of Oz
"Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."\n-- Karl, as he stepped behind the computer to reboot it, during a FAT
"It ain't so much the things we don't know that get us in trouble.  It's the things we know that ain't so."\n-- Artemus Ward aka Charles Farrar Brown
"Don't discount flying pigs before you have good air defense."\n-- jvh@clinet.FI
"In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble."\n-- Alan Perlis
"Pok pok pok, P'kok!"\n-- Superchicken
Live Free or Live in Massachusettes.
"You can't get very far in this world without your dossier being there first."\n-- Arthur Miller
"Flight Reservation systems decide whether or not you exist. If your information isn't in their database, then you simply don't get to go anywhere."\n-- Arthur Miller
"What people have been reduced to are mere 3-D representations of their own data."\n-- Arthur Miller
"The Avis WIZARD decides if you get to drive a car. Your head won't touch the pillow of a Sheraton unless their computer says it's okay."\n-- Arthur Miller
"Data is a lot like humans:  It is born.  Matures.  Gets married to other data, divorced. Gets old.  One thing that it doesn't do is die.  It has to be killed."\n-- Arthur Miller
"People should have access to the data which you have about them.  There should\nbe a process for them to challenge any inaccuracies."\n-- Arthur Miller
"Do not lose your knowledge that man's proper estate is an upright posture, an intransigent mind, and a step that travels unlimited roads."\n-- John Galt, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
Don't panic.
The bug stops here.
The bug starts here.
"Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same entropy to create bugs instead?"\n-- Steve Elias
"The pathology is to want control, not that you ever get it, because of course you never do."\n-- Gregory Bateson
"Your butt is mine."\n-- Michael Jackson, Bad
Ship it.
"Once they go up, who cares where they come down?  That's not my department."\n-- Werner von Braun
"When the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to treat everything as if it were a nail."\n-- Abraham Maslow
"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."\n-- The New Mighty Mouse
"The lesser of two evils -- is evil."\n-- Seymour (Sy) Leon
"It's no sweat, Henry.  Russ made it back to Bugtown before he died.  So he'll regenerate in a couple of days.  It's just awful sloppy of him to get killed in the first place.  Humph!"\n-- Ron Post, Post Brothers Comics
"I honestly believe that the doctrine of hell was born in the glittering eyes of snakes that run in frightful coils watching for their prey.  I believe it was born with the yelping, howling, growling and snarling of wild beasts... I despise it, I defy it, and I hate it."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"Is this foreplay?"\n"No, this is Nuke Strike.  Foreplay has lousy graphics.  Beat me again."\n-- Duckert, in "Bad Rubber," Albedo #0 (comics)
egrep patterns are full regular expressions; it uses a fast deterministic algorithm that sometimes needs exponential space.\n-- unix manuals
"A mind is a terrible thing to have leaking out your ears."\n-- The League of Sadistic Telepaths
"Life sucks, but it's better than the alternative."\n-- Peter da Silva
If this is a service economy, why is the service so bad?
"I shall expect a chemical cure for psychopathic behavior by 10 A.M. tomorrow, or I'll have your guts for spaghetti."\n-- a comic panel by Cotham
"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."\n-- Will Rogers
"An open mind has but one disadvantage: it collects dirt."\n-- a saying at RPI
"The geeks shall inherit the earth."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
"Beware of programmers carrying screwdrivers."\n-- Chip Salzenberg
"Elvis is my copilot."\n-- Cal Keegan
"The fundamental principle of science, the definition almost, is this: the sole test of the validity of any idea is experiment."\n-- Richard P. Feynman
How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?\nLet's see, can you use a shell script for that or does it need a C program?
"Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.  Hate me because I'm beautiful, smart and rich."\n-- Calvin Keegan
"The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts."\n-- Bertrand Russell
Always look over your shoulder because everyone is watching and plotting against you.
"Let us condemn to hellfire all those who disagree with us."\n-- militant religionists everywhere
Baby On Board.
"The net result is a system that is not only binary compatible with 4.3 BSD, but is even bug for bug compatible in almost all features."\n-- Avadit Tevanian, Jr., "Architecture-Independent Virtual Memory Management for Parallel and Distributed Environments:  The Mach Approach"
"The number of Unix installations has grown to 10, with more expected."\n-- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June, 1972
"Engineering without management is art."\n-- Jeff Johnson
"I'm not a god, I was misquoted."\n-- Lister, Red Dwarf
Brain off-line, please wait.
Are you having fun yet?
"The vast majority of successful major crimes against property are perpetrated by individuals abusing positions of trust."\n-- Lawrence Dalzell
"Perhaps I am flogging a straw herring in mid-stream, but in the light of what is known about the ubiquity of security vulnerabilities, it seems vastly too dangerous for university folks to run with their heads in the sand."\n-- Peter G. Neumann, RISKS moderator, about the Internet virus
"Seed me, Seymour"\n-- a random number generator meets the big green mother from outer space
"Buy land.  They've stopped making it."\n-- Mark Twain
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL."\n-- Dave Bowman, 2001
"There was no difference between the behavior of a god and the operations of pure chance..."\n-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
...the prevailing Catholic odor - incense, wax, centuries of mild bleating from the lips of the flock.\n-- Thomas Pynchon, _Gravity's Rainbow_
backups: always in season, never out of style.
"There was a vague, unpleasant manginess about his appearence; he somehow seemed dirty, though a close glance showed him as carefully shaven as an actor, and clad in immaculate linen."\n-- H.L. Mencken, on the death of William Jennings Bryan
"This generation may be the one that will face Armageddon."\n-- Ronald Reagan, "People" magazine, December 26, 1985
"Call immediately.  Time is running out.  We both need to do something monstrous before we die."\n-- Message from Ralph Steadman to Hunter Thompson
"The only way for a reporter to look at a politician is down."\n-- H.L. Mencken
"You don't go out and kick a mad dog.  If you have a mad dog with rabies, you take a gun and shoot him."\n-- Pat Robertson, TV Evangelist, about Muammar Kadhafy
miracle:  an extremely outstanding or unusual event, thing, or accomplishment.\n-- Webster's Dictionary
"The computer programmer is a creator of universes for which he alone\nis responsible. Universes of virtually unlimited complexity can be\ncreated in the form of computer programs."\n-- Joseph Weizenbaum, _Computer Power and Human Reason_
"If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong."\n-- Norm Schryer
"May your future be limited only by your dreams."\n-- Christa McAuliffe
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it."\n-- Henry Allen
"Life begins when you can spend your spare time programming instead of watching television."\n-- Cal Keegan
Eat shit -- billions of flies can't be wrong.
"We never make assertions, Miss Taggart," said Hugh Akston.  "That is the moral crime peculiar to our enemies.  We do not tell -- we *show*. We do not claim -- we *prove*."\n-- Ayn Rand, _Atlas Shrugged_
"I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and\nmy mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes."\n-- George Carlin
"My father?  My father left when I was quite young.  Well actually, he\nwas asked to leave.  He had trouble metabolizing alcohol."\n-- George Carlin
"So-called Christian rock. . . . is a diabolical force undermining Christianity\nfrom within."\n-- Jimmy Swaggart, hypocrite and TV preacher, self-described pornography addict, "Two points of view: 'Christian' rock and roll.", The Evangelist, 17(8): 49-50.
"Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin."\n-- John Von Neumann
"You must have an IQ of at least half a million."  -- Popeye
"Freedom is still the most radical idea of all."\n-- Nathaniel Branden
Aren't you glad you're not getting all the government you pay for now?
"I never let my schooling get in the way of my education."\n-- Mark Twain
These screamingly hilarious gogs ensure owners of     X Ray Gogs to be the life of any party.\n-- X-Ray Gogs Instructions
"Thank heaven for startups; without them we'd never have any advances."\n-- Seymour Cray
"Out of register space (ugh)"\n-- vi
"Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community."\n- Oscar Wilde
"Ada is PL/I trying to be Smalltalk.\n-- Codoso diBlini
"The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by mean of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding."\n-- Justice Louis O. Brandeis (Olmstead vs. United States)
"'Tis true, 'tis pity, and pity 'tis 'tis true."\n-- Poloniouius, in Willie the Shake's _Hamlet, Prince of Darkness_
"All the people are so happy now, their heads are caving in.  I'm glad they are a snowman with protective rubber skin"\n-- They Might Be Giants
"Indecision is the basis of flexibility"\n-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
"Sometimes insanity is the only alternative"\n-- button at a Science Fiction convention.
"Old age and treachery will beat youth and skill every time."\n-- a coffee cup
"The most important thing in a man is not what he knows, but what he is."\n-- Narciso Yepes
"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another."\n-- Ortega y Gasset
"We will be better and braver if we engage and inquire than if we indulge in the idle fancy that we already know -- or that it is of no use seeking to know what we do not know."\n-- Plato
"To undertake a project, as the word's derivation indicates, means to cast an idea out ahead of oneself so that it gains autonomy and is fulfilled not only by the efforts of its originator but, indeed, independently of him as well.\n-- Czeslaw Milosz
"We cannot put off living until we are ready.  The most salient characteristic of life is its coerciveness; it is always urgent, "here and now," without any possible postponement.  Life is fired at us point blank."\n-- Ortega y Gasset
"From there to here, from here to there, funny things are everywhere."\n-- Dr. Seuss
"When it comes to humility, I'm the greatest."\n-- Bullwinkle Moose
Remember, an int is not always 16 bits.  I'm not sure, but if the 80386 is one step closer to Intel's slugfest with the CPU curve that is aymptotically approaching a real machine, perhaps an int has been implemented as 32 bits by some Unix vendors...?\n-- Derek Terveer
"An Academic speculated whether a bather is beautiful if there is none in the forest to admire her. He hid in the bushes to find out, which vitiated his premise but made him happy. Moral: Empiricism is more fun than speculation."\n-- Sam Weber
1 1 was a race-horse, 2 2 was 1 2. When 1 1 1 1 race, 2 2 1 1 2.
"I figured there was this holocaust, right, and the only ones left alive were\nDonna Reed, Ozzie and Harriet, and the Cleavers."\n-- Wil Wheaton explains why everyone in "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is so nice
"Engineering meets art in the parking lot and things explode."\n-- Garry Peterson, about Survival Research Labs
"Why can't we ever attempt to solve a problem in this country without having a 'War' on it?" -- Rich Thomson, talk.politics.misc
Professional wrestling:  ballet for the common man.
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." - H.L. Mencken
"Never give in.  Never give in.  Never. Never. Never."\n-- Winston Churchill
"Never ascribe to malice that which is caused by greed and ignorance."\n-- Cal Keegan
"If you want to know what happens to you when you die, go look at some dead stuff."\n-- Dave Enyeart
"I prefer rogues to imbeciles, because they sometimes take a rest."\n-- Alexandre Dumas (fils)
"Everyone's head is a cheap movie show."\n-- Jeff G. Bone
Life is full of concepts that are poorly defined.  In fact, there are very few concepts that aren't.  It's hard to think of any in non-technical fields.\n-- Daniel Kimberg
...I don't care for the term 'mechanistic'. The word 'cybernetic' is a lot more apropos. The mechanistic world-view is falling further and further behind the real world where even simple systems can produce the most marvellous chaos.\n-- Peter da Silva
Who are the artists in the Computer Graphics Show?  Wavefront's latest box, or the people who programmed it?  Should Mandelbrot get all the credit for the output of programs like MandelVroom?\n-- Peter da Silva
"As I was walking among the fires of Hell, delighted with the enjoyments of\nGenius; which to Angels look like torment and insanity.  I collected some of\ntheir Proverbs..." - Blake, "The Marriage of Heaven and Hell"
HOW TO PROVE IT, PART 1 proof by example:\nThe author gives only the case n = 2 and suggests that it\ncontains most of the ideas of the general proof. proof by intimidation:\n'Trivial'. proof by vigorous handwaving:\nWorks well in a classroom or seminar setting.
Seen on a button at an SF Convention|Veteran of the Bermuda Triangle Expeditionary Force.  1990-1951.
"If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed."\n-- Albert Einstein
"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite."\n-- Bertrand Russell, _Sceptical_Essays_, 1928
"Were there no women, men might live like gods."\n-- Thomas Dekker
"Intelligence without character is a dangerous thing."\n-- G. Steinem
"It says he made us all to be just like him.  So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side."\n-- Frank Zappa
"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass."\n-- Cal Keegan
"BTW, does Jesus know you flame?"\n-- Diane Holt, dianeh@binky.UUCP, to Ed Carp
"I've seen the forgeries I've sent out."\n-- John F. Haugh II (jfh@rpp386.Dallas.TX.US), about forging net news articles
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some\nof the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"\n-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
"Bite off, dirtball." Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
"Oh my!  An `inflammatory attitude' in alt.flame?  Never heard of such a thing..."\n-- Allen Gwinn, allen@sulaco.Sigma.COM
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point."\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Who alone has reason to *lie himself out* of actuality?  He who *suffers*\nfrom it."\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"You who hate the Jews so, why did you adopt their religion?"\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche, addressing anti-semitic Christians
"Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of nature are constantly broken for their sakes."\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Faith:  not *wanting* to know what is true."\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
>One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative. Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.\n-- Chuq Von Rospach, chuq@Apple.COM
Backed up the system lately?
"It doesn't much signify whom one marries for one is sure to find out next morning it was someone else."\n-- Rogers
"If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry."\n-- Chekhov
"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished."\n-- Goethe
"In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved."\n-- Butler
"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, `What does woman want?'"\n-- Sigmund Freud
"I have recently been examining all the known superstitions of the world,\nand do not find in our particular superstition (Christianity) one redeeming\nfeature.  They are all alike founded on fables and mythology."\n-- Thomas Jefferson
Remember:  Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.\n-- Dave Butler
"The preeminence of a learned man over a worshiper is equal to the preeminence of the moon, at the night of the full moon, over all the stars.  Verily, the learned men are the heirs of the Prophets."\n-- A tradition attributed to Muhammad
"The question is rather: if we ever succeed in making a mind 'of nuts and bolts', how will we know we have succeeded?\n-- Fergal Toomey "It will tell us." -- Barry Kort
"Inquiry is fatal to certainty."\n-- Will Durant
"The Mets were great in 'sixty eight,\nThe Cards were fine in 'sixty nine,\nBut the Cubs will be heavenly in nineteen and seventy."\n-- Ernie Banks
"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], 'Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?'  I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."\n-- Charles Babbage
"I call Christianity the *one* great curse, the *one* great intrinsic depravity, the *one* great instinct for revenge for which no expedient is sufficiently poisonous, secret, subterranean, *petty* -- I call it the *one* mortal blemish of mankind."\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."\n-- Blair Houghton
"...one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs."\n-- Robert Firth
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? A Dan Quayle watch.\n-- heard from a Mike Dukakis field worker
Q:  What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?|A:  The car salesman can probably drive!\n-- Joan McGalliard (jem@latcs1.oz.au)
"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par."\n-- Dave Mack (mack@inco.UUCP) "Yours is." -- Allen Gwinn (allen@sulaco.sigma.com), in alt.flame
"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"\n-- Daniel Hinojosa (hinojosa@hp-sdd)
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."\n-- Claude Shouse (shouse@macomw.ARPA) "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." -- Joseph C. Wang (joe@athena.mit.edu)
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines."\n-- Bertrand Russell
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."\n-- Matt Cartmill
Heisenberg might have been here.
"Any excuse will serve a tyrant."\n-- Aesop
"Experience has proved that some people indeed know everything."\n-- Russell Baker
How many Zen Buddhist does it take to change a light bulb? Two.  One to change it and one not to change it.
"I prefer the blunted cudgels of the followers of the Serpent God."\n-- Sean Doran the Younger
"If I do not want others to quote me, I do not speak."\n-- Phil Wayne
"my terminal is a lethal teaspoon."\n-- Patricia O Tuama
"I am ... a woman ... and ... technically a parasitic uterine growth"\n-- Sean Doran the Younger [allegedly]
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time someone writes `bible thumpers?'\n-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
"Money is the root of all money."\n-- the moving finger
"...Greg Nowak:  `Another flame from greg' - need I say more?"\n-- Jonathan D. Trudel, trudel@caip.rutgers.edu "No.  You need to say less." -- Richard Sexton, richard@gryphon.COM
"And it's my opinion, and that's only my opinion, you are a lunatic.  Just because there are a few hunderd other people sharing your lunacy with you does not make you any saner.  Doomed, eh?"\n-- Oleg Kiselev,oleg@CS.UCLA.EDU
"Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out."\n-- Montaigne
"For a male and female to live continuously together is...  biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition."\n-- Robert Briffault
"Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it."\n-- Baskins
A man is not complete until he is married -- then he is finished.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.  Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."\n-- G. Fitch
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."\n-- Mark Twain
"If there isn't a population problem, why is the government putting cancer in the cigarettes?"\n-- the elder Steptoe, c. 1970
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little\nLavoris in the toilet."\n-- Comedian Jay Leno
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like\n`Psychic Wins Lottery.'"\n-- Comedian Jay Leno
"Well hello there Charlie Brown, you blockhead."\n-- Lucy Van Pelt
"Time is an illusion.  Lunchtime doubly so."\n-- Ford Prefect, _Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy_
"Ignorance is the soil in which belief in miracles grows."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"Let every man teach his son, teach his daughter, that labor is honorable."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"I have not the slightest confidence in 'spiritual manifestations.'"\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"It is hard to overstate the debt that we owe to men and women of genius."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"Joy is wealth and love is the legal tender of the soul."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"The hands that help are better far than the lips that pray."\n-- Robert G. Ingersoll
"It is the creationists who blasphemously are claiming that God is cheating\nus in a stupid way."\n-- J. W. Nienhuys
"No, no, I don't mind being called the smartest man in the world.  I just wish\nit wasn't this one."\n-- Adrian Veidt/Ozymandias, WATCHMEN
"Be *excellent* to each other."\n-- Bill, or Ted, in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." -- Alex Schure
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips\nover, pinning you underneath.  At night, the ice weasels come."\n--Matt Groening
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."\n-- Woody Allen
"The Street finds its own uses for technology."\n-- William Gibson
"I see little divinity about them or you.  You talk to me of Christianity when you are in the act of hanging your enemies.  Was there ever such blasphemous nonsense!"\n-- Shaw, "The Devil's Disciple"
"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively, as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"\n-- Ronald Reagan
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable perversion."\n-- Mick Farren, _When Gravity Fails_
"Conversion, fastidious Goddess, loves blood better than brick, and feasts most subtly on the human will."\n-- Virginia Woolf, "Mrs. Dalloway"
It's time to boot, do your boot ROMs know where your disk controllers are?
"What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying."\n-- Nikita Khrushchev
"...a most excellent barbarian ... Genghis Kahn!"\n-- _Bill And Ted's Excellent Adventure_
"Pull the trigger and you're garbage."\n-- Lady Blue
"Oh what wouldn't I give to be spat at in the face..."\n-- a prisoner in "Life of Brian"
"Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth."\n-- Milton
"If you can't debate me, then there is no way in hell you'll out-insult me."\n-- Scott Legrand (Scott.Legrand@hogbbs.Fidonet.Org) "You may be wrong here, little one." -- R. W. F. Clark (RWC102@PSUVM)
"BYTE editors are men who seperate the wheat from the chaff, and then\nprint the chaff."\n-- Lionel Hummel (uiucdcs!hummel), derived from a quote by Adlai Stevenson, Sr.
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."\n-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
"I am, therefore I am."\n-- Akira
"Stan and I thought that this experiment was so stupid, we decided to finance\nit ourselves."\n-- Martin Fleischmann, co-discoverer of room-temperature fusion (?)
"I have more information in one place than anybody in the world."\n-- Jerry Pournelle, an absurd notion, apparently about the BIX BBS
"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."\n-- John Wooden
#define BITCOUNT(x)	(((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) #define  BX_(x)		((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777)			\\n- (((x)>>2)&0x33333333)			\ - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
"If you can write a nation's stories, you needn't worry about who makes its\nlaws.  Today, television tells most of the stories to most of the people\nmost of the time."\n-- George Gerbner
"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists\nin trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on\nthe unreasonable man."\n-- George Bernard Shaw
"We want to create puppets that pull their own strings."\n-- Ann Marion "Would this make them Marionettes?" -- Jeff Daiell
On the subject of C program indentation|"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."\n-- Blair P. Houghton
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect "Hungry."\n-- a Larson cartoon
"But don't you see, the color of wine in a crystal glass can be spiritual.\nThe look in a face, the music of a violin.  A Paris theater can be infused\nwith the spiritual for all its solidity."\n-- Lestat, _The Vampire Lestat_, Anne Rice
"Love your country but never trust its government."\n-- from a hand-painted road sign in central Pennsylvania
I bought the latest computer;\nit came fully loaded.\nIt was guaranteed for 90 days,\nbut in 30 was outmoded!\n- The Wall Street Journal passed along by Big Red Computer's SCARLETT
To update Voltaire, "I may kill all msgs from you, but I'll fight for your right to post it, and I'll let it reside on my disks".\n-- Doug Thompson (doug@isishq.FIDONET.ORG)
"Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to be maintained."\n-- The Tao of Programming
"Turn on, tune up, rock out."\n-- Billy Gibbons
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix.  Everyone knows power tools aren't soluble in alcohol..."\n-- Crazy Nigel
"Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all...."\n-- Thomas J. Kopp
"All over the place, from the popular culture to the propaganda system, there is constant pressure to make people feel that they are helpless, that the only role they can have is to ratify decisions and to consume."\n-- Noam Chomsky
"A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that worked."\n-- John Gall, _Systemantics_
"In my opinion, Richard Stallman wouldn't recognise terrorism if it came up and bit him on his Internet."\n-- Ross M. Greenberg
"If I ever get around to writing that language depompisifier, it will change almost all occurences of the word "paradigm" into "example" or "model."\n-- Herbie Blashtfalt
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."\n-- Marvin the paranoid android
Contemptuous lights flashed across the computer's console.\n-- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
To err is human, to moo bovine.
"America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort."\n-- President John F. Kennedy
"The strength of the Constitution lies entirely in the determination of each citizen to defend it.  Only if every single citizen feels duty bound to do his share in this defense are the constitutional rights secure."\n-- Albert Einstein
"Well I don't see why I have to make one man miserable when I can make so many men happy."\n-- Ellyn Mustard, about marriage
"And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions."\n-- David Jones @ Megatest Corporation
"Luke, I'm yer father, eh.  Come over to the dark side, you hoser."\n-- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"
"Let's not be too tough on our own ignorance.  It's the thing that makes\nAmerica great.  If America weren't incomparably ignorant, how could we\nhave tolerated the last eight years?"\n-- Frank Zappa, Feb 1, 1989
"Don't think; let the machine do it for you!"\n-- E. C. Berkeley
"It ain't over until it's over."\n-- Casey Stengel
"If anything can go wrong, it will."\n-- Edsel Murphy
"Yo baby yo baby yo."\n-- Eddie Murphy
Everyone who comes in here wants three things|1. They want it quick. 2. They want it good. 3. They want it cheap. I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.\n-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company in Delaware
"More software projects have gone awry for lack of calendar time than for all\nother causes combined."\n-- Fred Brooks, Jr., _The Mythical Man Month_
panic: kernel trap (ignored)
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."\n-- Karl Lehenbauer
"Remember, extremism in the nondefense of moderation is not a virtue."\n-- Peter Neumann, about usenet
"We dedicated ourselves to a powerful idea -- organic law rather than naked\npower.  There seems to be universal acceptance of that idea in the nation."\n-- Supreme Court Justice Potter Steart
"What man has done, man can aspire to do."\n-- Jerry Pournelle, about space flight
"Well, it don't make the sun shine, but at least it don't deepen the shit."\n-- Straiter Empy, in _Riddley_Walker_ by Russell Hoban
"If you can, help others.  If you can't, at least don't hurt others."\n-- the Dalai Lama
To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide a test load.
"Just think, with VLSI we can have 100 ENIACS on a chip!"\n-- Alan Perlis
"...Local prohibitions cannot block advances in military and commercial\ntechnology... Democratic movements for local restraint can only restrain\nthe world's democracies, not the world as a whole."\n-- K. Eric Drexler
"The rotter who simpers that he sees no difference between a five-dollar bill and a whip deserves to learn the difference on his own back -- as, I think, he will."\n-- Francisco d'Anconia, in Ayn Rand's _Atlas Shrugged_
"If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and\nthe irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will\nlose that, too."\n-- W. Somerset Maugham
"Pardon me for breathing, which I never do anyway so I don't know why I bother\nto say it, oh God, I'm so depressed.  Here's another of those self-satisfied\ndoors.  Life!  Don't talk to me about life."\n-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
"Gort, klaatu nikto barada."\n-- The Day the Earth Stood Still
"Don't drop acid, take it pass-fail!"\n-- Bryan Michael Wendt
"I got a question for ya.  Ya got a minute?"\n-- two programmers passing in the hall
I took a fish head to the movies and I didn't have to pay.\n-- Fish Heads, Saturday Night Live, 1977.
What hath Bob wrought?
"I don't know where we come from,\nDon't know where we're going to,\nAnd if all this should have a reason,\nWe would be the last to know.\nSo let's just hope there is a promised land,\nAnd until then,\n...as best as you can."\n-- Steppenwolf, "Rock Me Baby"
"Help Mr. Wizard!"\n-- Tennessee Tuxedo
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.\nHe of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.\nBut it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are\ngiven to administer we presently imagine we own."\n-- H.G. Wells
"Unlike most net.puritans, however, I feel that what OTHER consenting computers\ndo in the privacy of their own phone connections is their own business."\n-- John Woods, jfw@eddie.mit.edu
"Don't talk to me about disclaimers!  I invented disclaimers!"\n-- The Censored Hacker
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."\n-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 [apparently, good TV reception is a basic necessity -- at least in Tucson  -kl]
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that\nsometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer\nterror."\n-- W. K. Hartmann
"It's when they say 2 + 2 = 5 that I begin to argue."\n-- Eric Pepke
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."\n-- David Guaspari
"The NY Times is read by the people who run the country.  The Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.   The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country..."\n-- Robert J Woodhead (trebor@biar.UUCP)
"Irrigation of the land with sewater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'."\n-- Michael McClary, in alt.fusion
"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by people\nwho don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried anything."\n-- Jim Joyce, former computer science lecturer at the University of California
"You can have my Unix system when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers."\n-- Cal Keegan
17th Rule of Friendship|A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is noncancellable.\n-- Esquire, May 1977
186,282 miles per second|It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
18th Rule of Friendship|A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you ever saw.\n-- Esquire, May 1977
2180, U.S. History question|What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what office did he later hold?
3rd Law of Computing|Anything that can go wr fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
667|The neighbor of the beast.
A hypothetical paradox|What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet?\n-- Tom Galloway
A Law of Computer Programming|Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
A musician, an artist, an architect|the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian.\n-- William Blake
A new koan|If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan.
Abbott's Admonitions|(1) If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know.\n(2) If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.\n-- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia
Absent, adj.|Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; slandered.
Absentee, n.|A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove himself from the sphere of exaction.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Abstainer, n.|A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Absurdity, n.|A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Academy|A modern school where football is taught. Institute: An archaic school where football is not taught.
Acceptance testing|An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs.
Accident, n.|A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.\n-- Foolish Dictionary
Accordion, n.|A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy, n.|The vice of being right
Acquaintance, n|A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.  A degree of friendship called slight when the object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
ADA|Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing.  Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness.\n-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
Adler's Distinction|Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, and from the bureaucrats.
Admiration, n.|Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Adore, v.|To venerate expectantly.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Adult, n.|One old enough to know better.
Advertising Rule|In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is curable.
Afternoon, n.|That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Age, n.|That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise to commit.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Agnes' Law|Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of.
Air Force Inertia Axiom|Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness.
air, n.|A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Alaska|A prelude to "No."
Albrecht's Law|Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
Alden's Laws|(1)  Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of pregnancy.\n(2)  Always be backlit.\n(3)  Sit down whenever possible.
algorithm, n.|Trendy dance for hip programmers.
alimony, n|Having an ex you can bank on.
All new|Parts not interchangeable with previous model.
Allen's Axiom|When all else fails, read the instructions.
Alliance, n.|In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Alone, adj.|In bad company.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ambidextrous, adj.|Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ambiguity|Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
Ambition, n|An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Amoebit|Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
Andrea's Admonition|Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Androphobia|Fear of men.
Anoint, v.|To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Anthony's Law of Force|Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop|Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Antonym, n.|The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Aphasia|Loss of speech in social scientists when asked at parties, "But of what use is your research?"
aphorism, n.|A concise, clever statement. afterism, n.: A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late.\n-- James Alexander Thom
Appendix|A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use.
Applause, n|The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
aquadextrous, adj.|Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Arbitrary systems, pl.n.|Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing general can be said."
Arithmetic|An obscure art no longer practiced in the world's developed countries.
Armadillo|To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
Armor's Axiom|Virtue is the failure to achieve vice.
Armstrong's Collection Law|If the check is truly in the mail, it is surely made out to someone else.
Arnold's Addendum|Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation|(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.\n(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.\n(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
Arthur's Laws of Love|(1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else.\n(2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
ASCII|The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would become computer literate.  Etymologically, the term has come down as a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall receive."\n-- Robb Russon
Atlanta|An entire city surrounded by an airport.
Auction|A gyp off the old block.
audophile, n|Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
Authentic|Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion.
Automobile, n.|A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Bachelor|A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
Bachelor|A man who chases women and never Mrs. one.
Backward conditioning|Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
Bagdikian's Observation|Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry|A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides by governors.
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb|The hippo has no sting, but the wise man would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Banectomy, n.|The removal of bruises on a banana.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Barach's Rule|An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience|(1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends.\n(2) When you finally buy pretty stationary to continue the correspondence, he stops writing.
Barker's Proof|Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Barometer, n.|An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Barth's Distinction|There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.
Baruch's Observation|If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Basic Definitions of Science|If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
BASIC, n.|A programming language.  Related to certain social diseases in that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
Bathquake, n.|The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water faucet is turned on to a certain point.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Battle, n.|A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that will not yield to the tongue.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Beauty, n.|The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Beauty|What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand.
Begathon, n.|A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so you won't have to watch commercials.
Beifeld's Principle|The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidical progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better-looking and richer male friend.\n-- R. Beifeld
belief, n|Something you do not believe.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture|(1) Houses are for people to live in.\n(2) Gardens are for plants to live in.\n(3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Benson's Dogma|ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit.
Bershere's Formula for Failure|There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody.
beta test, v|To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos.
Bierman's Laws of Contracts|(1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's".\n(2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's".\n(3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Bilbo's First Law|You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels.
Binary, adj.|Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Bing's Rule|Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach.
Bipolar, adj.|Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, New York.
birth, n|The first and direst of all disasters.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
bit, n|A unit of measure applied to color.  Twenty-four-bit color refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years ago.
Bizoos, n.|The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a basketball.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
blithwapping|Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation|The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blore's Razor|Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier.
Blutarsky's Axiom|Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason.
Boling's postulate|If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom|Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine|Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boob's Law|You always find something in the last place you look.
Booker's Law|An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Bore, n.|A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary.\n-- Walter Winchell
Bore, n.|A person who talks when you wish him to listen.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boren's Laws|(1) When in charge, ponder.\n(2) When in trouble, delegate.\n(3) When in doubt, mumble.
boss, n|According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an ornamental stud."
Boucher's Observation|He who blows his own horn always plays the music several octaves higher than originally written.
Bower's Law|Talent goes where the action is.
Bowie's Theorem|If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
boy, n|A noise with dirt on it.
Bradley's Bromide|If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving|When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
brain, n|The apparatus with which we think that we think.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
brain, v: [as in "to brain"]\nTo rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source\nof error in an opponent.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Bride, n.|A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
briefcase, n|A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party.
broad-mindedness, n|The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Brogan's Constant|People tend to congregate in the back of the church and the front of the bus.
brokee, n|Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker.
Brontosaurus Principle|Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when this occurs, they are an endangered species.\n-- Thomas K. Connellan
Brook's Law|Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke's Law|Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Bubble Memory, n.|A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
Bucy's Law|Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bug, n.|An aspect of a computer program which exists because the programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he wrote the program. Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.\n-- Ray Simard
bug, n|A son of a glitch.
bug, n|An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.\n-- "Datamation", January 15, 1984
Bugs, pl. n.|Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.
Bumper sticker|All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British manufacture.
Bunker's Admonition|You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it.
Burbulation|The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Bureau Termination, Law of|When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after the decision is made.
bureaucracy, n|A method for transforming energy into solid waste.
Bureaucrat, n.|A person who cuts red tape sideways.\n-- J. McCabe
bureaucrat, n|A politician who has tenure.
Burke's Postulates|Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer.
Burn's Hog Weighing Method|(1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a sawhorse.\n(2) Put the hog on one end of the plank.\n(3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again perfectly balanced.\n(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.\n-- Robert Burns
buzzword, n|The fly in the ointment of computer literacy.
byob, v|Believing Your Own Bull
C, n|A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything else.  It is either the best language available to the art today, or it isn't.\n-- Ray Simard
Cabbage, n.|A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Cache|A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one is supposed to know is there.
Cahn's Axiom|When all else fails, read the instructions.
Campbell's Law|Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto|It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law|You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.|The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Carson's Consolation|Nothing is ever a complete failure. It can always be used as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear|If the shoe fits, buy the other one too.
Carswell's Corollary|Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, nature invariably comes up with a better mouse.
Cat, n.|Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.
Chamberlain's Laws|(1) The big guys always win.\n(2) Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
character density, n.|The number of very weird people in the office.
Charity, n.|A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
checkuary, n|The thirteenth month of the year.  Begins New Year's Day and ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks.
Chef, n.|Any cook who swears in French.
Cheit's Lament|If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- the next time he's in need.
Chemicals, n.|Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Cheops' Law|Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36|Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".\n-- Chicago Reader 3/27/81
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84|The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will cheerfully baste you.\n-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
Chicken Soup|An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.\n-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Chism's Law of Completion|The amount of time required to complete a government project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law|When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Christmas|A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best response time of the entire year.
Churchill's Commentary on Man|Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Cinemuck, n.|The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which covers the floors of movie theaters.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
clairvoyant, n.|A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Clarke's Conclusion|Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing.
Clay's Conclusion|Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
clone, n|1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their product."  2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product is a clone of our product."
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly|The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
COBOL|An exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
COBOL|Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
Cohen's Law|There is no bottom to worse.
Cohn's Law|The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do anything.  Stability is achieved when you spend all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Cold, adj.|When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own pockets.
Cole's Law|Thinly sliced cabbage.
Collaboration, n.|A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell.
College|The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Colvard's Logical Premises|All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't. Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to. Grelb's Commentary: Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Command, n.|Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
comment|A superfluous element of a source program included so the programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according to those who think they aren't.
Commitment, n.|[The difference between involvement and] Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.  The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Committee, n.|A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.\n-- Fred Allen
Commoner's three laws of ecology|(1) No action is without side-effects.\n(2) Nothing ever goes away.\n(3) There is no free lunch.
Complex system|One with real problems and imaginary profits.
Compliment, n.|When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true.
compuberty, n|The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and a sun4 is put online sharing files.
Computer, n.|An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a totally understandable, rigorously logical manner.  If you believe this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan.
Concept, n.|Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than $25,000.
Conference, n.|A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what he's already decided to do.
Confidant, confidante, n|One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Confirmed bachelor|A man who goes through life without a hitch.
Consent decree|A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it never admitted to in the first place.
Consultant, n.|(1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have Calculator, Will Travel.
Consultant, n.|[From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con\n(vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of "insult."]  A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase and heavy wallet.
Consultant, n.|An ordinary man a long way from home.
consultant, n.|Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
Consultant, n.|Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
Consultation, n.|Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
Conversation, n.|A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener.
Conway's Law|In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.
Copying machine, n.|A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't interested in reading them.
Coronation, n.|The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Correspondence Corollary|An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory.
Corry's Law|Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
court, n.|A place where they dispense with justice.\n-- Arthur Train
Coward, n.|One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Creditor, n.|A man who has a better memory than a debtor.
Crenna's Law of Political Accountability|If you are the first to know about something bad, you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, regardless of your formal duties.
critic, n.|A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Croll's Query|If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
Cropp's Law|The amount of work done varies inversly with the time spent in the office.
Cruickshank's Law of Committees|If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so much work has already been done on it.
cursor address, n|"Hello, cursor!"\n-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Cursor, n.|One whose program will not run.\n-- Robb Russon
Cutler Webster's Law|There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Cynic, n.|A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Cynic, n.|Experienced.
Cynic, n.|One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Data, n.|An accrual of straws on the backs of theories.
Data, n.|Computerspeak for "information".  Properly pronounced the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child.
Davis' Law of Traffic Density|The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time.
Davis's Dictum|Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves.
Dawn, n.|The time when men of reason go to bed.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Deadwood, n.|Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are.
Death wish, n.|The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to.
Decision maker, n.|The person in your office who was unable to form a task force before the music stopped.
default, n.|[Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity.  "Nothing will come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.\n-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
Default, n.|The hardware's, of course.
Deja vu|French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time. Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced something actually being encountered for the first time.
Deliberation, n.|The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dentist, n.|A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls coins out of one's pockets.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Denver, n.|A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado.
design, v.|What you regret not doing later on.
DeVries' Dilemma|If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want hits the paper.
Dibble's First Law of Sociology|Some do, some don't.
Die, v.|To stop sinning suddenly.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite)|1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 1 carton milk
diplomacy, n|Lying in state.
Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics|(1) Get elected.\n(2) Get re-elected.\n(3) Don't get mad, get even.\n-- Sen. Everett Dirksen
disbar, n|As distinguished from some other bar.
Distinctive, adj.|A different color or shape than our competitors.
Distress, n.|A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
divorce, n|A change of wife.
Documentation|Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English speaking persons.
double-blind experiment, n|An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is fooling both the subject and the lab assistant.  Often accompanied by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
Dow's Law|In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
Drakenberg's Discovery|If you can't seem to find your glasses, it's probably because you don't have them on.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology|The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.
drug, n|A substance that, injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
Ducharme's Precept|Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Duty, n|What one expects from others.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Eagleson's Law|Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months, might as well have been written by someone else.  (Eagleson is an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.)
economics, n.|Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J.K. Galbraith.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
economist, n|Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough personality to become an accountant.
Egotism, n|Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. Egotist, n: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Ehrman's Commentary|(1) Things will get worse before they get better.\n(2) Who said things would get better?
Elbonics, n.|The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Electrocution, n.|Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elephant, n.|A mouse built to government specifications.
Emacs, n.|A slow-moving parody of a text editor.
Emerson's Law of Contrariness|Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Encyclopedia Salesmen|Invite them all in.  Nip out the back door.  Phone the police and tell them your house is being burgled.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Endless Loop, n.|see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless, n.: see Endless Loop.\n-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
enhance, v.|To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment.
Entreprenuer, n.|A high-rolling risk taker who would rather be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
Envy, n.|Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, instead of having to try and acquire one.
Epperson's law|When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.
Every program has (at least) two purposes|the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't.
Expense Accounts, n.|Corporate food stamps.
Experience, n.|Something you don't get until just after you need it.\n-- Olivier
Expert, n.|Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides.
Fairy Tale, n.|A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Fakir, n|A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished.
falsie salesman, n|Fuller bust man.
Famous last words|(1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."\n(2) "You and what army?"\n(3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop."
Famous quotations|" "\n-- Charlie Chaplin " " -- Harpo Marx " " -- Marcel Marceau
Famous, adj.|Conspicuously miserable.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
fenderberg, n.|The large glacial deposits that form on the insides of car fenders during snowstorms.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Ferguson's Precept|A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing."
Fidelity, n.|A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror|If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination|Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
File cabinet|A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor.
filibuster, n.|Throwing your wait around.
Finagle's Creed|Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's First Law|If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law|No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Seventh Law|The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum.
Finagle's Third Law|In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries:\n(1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.\n(2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Fine's Corollary|Functionality breeds Contempt.
Finster's Law|A closed mouth gathers no feet.
First Law of Bicycling|No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
First law of debate|Never argue with a fool.  People might not know the difference.
First Law of Socio-Genetics|Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History|History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Fishbowl, n.|A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly promoted managers are kept for observation.
flannister, n.|The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Flon's Law|There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flugg's Law|When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fog Lamps, n.|Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the driver's brain is in a fog.  See also "Idiot Lights".
Foolproof Operation|No provision for adjustment.
Forecast, n.|A prediction of the future, based on the past, for which the forecaster demands payment in the present.
Forgetfulness, n.|A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror|The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision|It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics|If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.\n-- David Ellis
Fresco's Discovery|If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
Fried's 1st Rule|Increased automation of clerical function invariably results in increased operational costs.
Friends, n.|People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. People who know you well, but like you anyway.
Fuch's Warning|If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well enough to travel.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition|Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Fun experiments|Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... bedroom, car, etc.  As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount.
Fun Facts, #14|In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins.  That's how it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won.
Fun Facts, #63|The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 1510.
furbling, v.|Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank even when you are the only person in line.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature|Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof.
Genderplex, n.|The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and tortoises).\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
genealogy, n.|An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Genius, n.|A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright."
genius, n.|Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying all the right things to all the right people.
genlock, n.|Why he stays in the bottle.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary:\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done.
Gilbert's Discovery|Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other.
Ginsburg's Law|At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on.
gleemites, n.|Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability|Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Gnagloot, n.|A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to impress people.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Goda's Truism|By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
Gold's Law|If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Gold, n.|A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Goldenstern's Rules|(1) Always hire a rich attorney\n(2) Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gomme's Laws|(1) A backscratcher will always find new itches.\n(2) Time accelerates.\n(3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away.
Gordon's first law|If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing well.
Gordon's Law|If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased.
gossip, n.|Hearing something you like about someone you don't.\n-- Earl Wilson
Goto, n.|A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers to complain about unstructured programmers.\n-- Ray Simard
Government's Law|There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel's Law|2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2.
Grandpa Charnock's Law|You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive.  Ed.]
grasshopotomaus|A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
Gravity|What you get when you eat too much and too fast.
Great American Axiom|Some is good, more is better, too much is just right.
Green's Law of Debate|Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Greener's Law|Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder|Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.
Griffin's Thought|When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity|At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today.
Guillotine, n.|A French chopping center.
Gumperson's Law|The probability of a given event occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability.
Gunter's Airborne Discoveries|(1)  When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, the aircraft will encounter turbulence.\n(2)  The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.
gurmlish, n.|The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
guru, n.|A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the phone call you are about to receive from your boss.
guru, n|A computer owner who can read the manual.
H. L. Mencken's Law|Those who can -- do. Those who can't -- teach. Martin's Extension: Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Hacker's Law|The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hacker's Quicky #313|Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips Microwave Egg Roll Chocolate Milk
hacker, n.|A master byter.
Hale Mail Rule, The|When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least one of the following:\n(a) A pen or pencil or typewriter.\n(b) Stationery.\n(c) Postage stamp.\n(d) The letter you are answering.
Hand, n.|A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
handshaking protocol, n|A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
Hangover, n.|The burden of proof.
hangover, n.|The wrath of grapes.
Hanlon's Razor|Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time|There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
Happiness, n.|An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
hard, adj.|The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those of other people.
Hardware, n.|The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Harriet's Dining Observation|In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread.
Harris's Lament|All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab|Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Harrison's Postulate|For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Hartley's First Law|You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back, you've got something.
Hatred, n.|A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Hawkeye's Conclusion|It's not easy to play the clown when you've got to run the whole circus.
Heaven, n.|A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
heavy, adj.|Seduced by the chocolate side of the force.
Heller's Law|The first myth of management is that it exists. Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organization.
Hempstone's Question|If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Herth's Law|He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck.
Hewett's Observation|The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of peers similarly engaged.
Hildebrant's Principle|If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there.
History, n.|Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.  I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning.  Hegel must have been taking the long view.\n-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
Hitchcock's Staple Principle|The stapler runs out of staples only while you are trying to staple something.
Hlade's Law|If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they will find an easier way to do it.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems|Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Hoffer's Discovery|The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual.
Hofstadter's Law|It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollerith, v.|What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth.
honeymoon, n.|A short period of doting between dating and debting.\n-- Ray C. Bandy
Honorable, adj.|Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate|Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Horngren's Observation|Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Household hint|If you are out of cream for your coffee, mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#15 Your pet rock snaps at you.
HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY|#32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you.
Howe's Law|Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hubbard's Law|Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle|The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to... to... uh.....
IBM Pollyanna Principle|Machines should work.  People should think.
IBM's original motto|Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum.
IBM|It may be slow, but it's hard to use.
idiot box, n.|The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Idiot, n.|A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
idleness, n.|Leisure gone to seed.
ignisecond, n|The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!"\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
ignorance, n.|When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out.
Iles's Law|There is always an easier way to do it.  When looking directly at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. Neither will Iles.
Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension|In order for something to become clean, something else must become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting anything clean.
Immutability, Three Rules of|(1)  If a tarpaulin can flap, it will.\n(2)  If a small boy can get dirty, he will.\n(3)  If a teenager can go out, he will.
Impartial, adj.|Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two conflicting opinions.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
inbox, n.|A catch basin for everything you don't want to deal with, but are afraid to throw away.
incentive program, n.|The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses to motivate its people.  Still, despite all the experimentation with profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to keep it."
Incumbent, n.|Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
index, n.|Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be.
Infancy, n.|The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us."  The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Information Center, n.|A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing|What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
Ingrate, n.|A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
ink, n.|A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.\n-- H.L. Mencken
innovate, v.|To annoy people.
insecurity, n.|Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your favorite words. Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to the person who told it to you.
interest, n.|What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and burned out employees must feign.
Interpreter, n.|One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
intoxicated, adj.|When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it.
Iron Law of Distribution|Them that has, gets.
ISO applications|A solution in search of a problem!
Issawi's Laws of Progress|The Course of Progress: Most things get steadily worse. The Path of Progress: A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
It is fruitless|to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.
"It's in process"|So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.
italic, adj|Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases.  Unique to Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases are often slanted to the left.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government|No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session.
Jenkinson's Law|It won't work.
Jim Nasium's Law|In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to each other so that everybody is cramped.
job interview, n.|The excruciating process during which personnel officers separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff.
job Placement, n.|Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
jogger, n.|An odd sort of person with a thing for pain.
Johnny Carson's Definition|The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
Johnson's First Law|When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.
Johnson's law|Systems resemble the organizations that create them.
Jones' First Law|Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their original contribution.
Jones' Motto|Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jones' Second Law|The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Juall's Law on Nice Guys|Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start!
Justice, n.|A decision in your favor.
Kafka's Law|In the fight between you and the world, back the world.\n-- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days"
Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages|For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING package of snack food. Gibson the Cat's Corrolary: For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package of lunch meat.
Katz' Law|Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.\n-- Abba Eban
Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics|Population density is inversely proportional to the square of the distance from the keg.
Kaufman's Law|A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned.
Kennedy's Market Theorem|Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, you've got to go broke.
Kent's Heuristic|Look for it first where you'd most like to find it.
kern, v.|1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear of corn.  2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, metal object used as part of the monetary system.
kernel, n.|A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval traditions of sorcery and black art.
Kettering's Observation|Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness|Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks.
Kin, n.|An affliction of the blood.
Kington's Law of Perforation|If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest part of the paper.
Kinkler's First Law|Responsibility always exceeds authority. Kinkler's Second Law: All the easy problems have been solved.
Kliban's First Law of Dining|Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Kludge, n.|An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a distressing whole.\n-- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation"
Knebel's Law|It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
knowledge, n.|Things you believe.
Kramer's Law|You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr)|The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Labor, n.|One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Lackland's Laws|(1) Never be first.\n(2) Never be last.\n(3) Never volunteer for anything
Lactomangulation, n.|Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Langsam's Laws|(1) Everything depends.\n(2) Nothing is always.\n(3) Everything is sometimes.
Larkinson's Law|All laws are basically false.
laser, n.|Failed death ray.
Laura's Law|No child throws up in the bathroom.
Law of Communications|The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding.
Law of Continuity|Experiments should be reproducible.  They should all fail the same way.
Law of Procrastination|Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Law of the Jungle|He who hesitates is lunch.
Laws of Serendipity|(1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for something.\n(2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.
lawsuit, n.|A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Lawyer's Rule|When the law is against you, argue the facts. When the facts are against you, argue the law. When both are against you, call the other lawyer names.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom|No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
learning curve, n.|An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the quicker you can do it.
Lee's Law|Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that there'd be so many!
Leibowitz's Rule|When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you hold the hammer with both hands.
leverage, n.|Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out.
Lewis's Law of Travel|The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
Liar, n.|A lawyer with a roving commission.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Liar|one who tells an unpleasant truth.\n-- Oliver Herford
Lie, n.|A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Lieberman's Law|Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
life, n.|A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
life, n.|Learning about people the hard way -- by being one.
life, n.|That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity.
lighthouse, n.|A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
like|When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence.
Linus' Law|There is no heavier burden than a great potential.
lisp, v.|To call a spade a thpade.
Lockwood's Long Shot|The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't one in a million, but once would be enough.
love,  n.|Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope.
love, n.|When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears.
love, n.|When you don't want someone too close--because you're very sensitive to pleasure.
love, n.|When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning.
love, n.|When, if asked to choose between your lover and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat.
love, v.|I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
Lowery's Law|If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology|There's always one more bug.
Lunatic Asylum, n.|The place where optimism most flourishes.
Machine-Independent, adj.|Does not run on any existing machine.
Mad, adj.|Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ...\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Madison's Inquiry|If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class?
Magary's Principle|When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do the cutting, and the public's services are cut.
Magnocartic, adj.|Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Magpie, n.|A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Main's Law|For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Maintainer's Motto|If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
Majority, n.|That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Male, n.|A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.  The male of the human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man.  The genus has two varieties:  good providers and bad providers.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Malek's Law|Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
malpractice, n.|The reason surgeons wear masks.
management, n.|The art of getting other people to do all the work.
manic-depressive, adj.|Easy glum, easy glow.
Manly's Maxim|Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
manual, n.|A unit of documentation.  There are always three or more on a given item.  One is on the shelf; someone has the others.  The information you need is in the others.\n-- Ray Simard
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery|Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.
marriage, n.|An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing that love.  In short, committment to an institution.
marriage, n.|Convertible bonds.
Marriage, n.|The evil aye.
Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth|Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants.
Maryann's Law|You can always find what you're not looking for.
Maslow's Maxim|If the only tool you have is a hammer, you treat everything like a nail.
Mason's First Law of Synergism|The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
Matz's Law|A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
May's Law|The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density of control.  (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance|When traveling with a herd of elephants, don't be the first to lie down and rest.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom|If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Meade's Maxim|Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like everyone else.
Meader's Law|Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to everyone you know, only more so.
meeting, n.|An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
meetings, n.|A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost.
memo, n.|An interoffice communication too often written more for the benefit of the person who sends it than the person who receives it.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American|The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American|The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American|All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American|Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can never hope to acquire it.
Menu, n.|A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Meskimen's Law|There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
meterologist, n.|One who doubts the established fact that it is bound to rain if you forget your umbrella.
Micro Credo|Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
micro|Thinker toys.
Miksch's Law|If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Miller's Slogan|Lose a few, lose a few.
millihelen, n.|The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Minicomputer|A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level manager.
MIPS|Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed
Misfortune, n.|The kind of fortune that never misses.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
MIT|The Georgia Tech of the North
Mitchell's Law of Committees|Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are held to discuss it.
mittsquinter, adj.|A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Mix's Law|There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax.
mixed emotions|Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. With five empty seats.
mixed emotions|Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... in your brand new Mercedes.
modem, adj.|Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie."  An unfortunate byproduct of kerning. [That's sic!]
modesty, n.|Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
Modesty|The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it.\n-- Oliver Herford
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis|If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing.
momentum, n.|What you give a person when they are going away.
Moon, n.|1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to hackers.  See PHASE OF THE MOON.  2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
Moore's Constant|Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
mophobia, n.|Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
Morton's Law|If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering|Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
Mr. Cole's Axiom|The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
mummy, n.|An Egyptian who was pressed for time.
Murphy's Law of Research|Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Murphy's Laws|(1) If anything can go wrong, it will.\n(2) Nothing is as easy as it looks.\n(3) Everything takes longer than you think it will.
Murray's Rule|Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
Mustgo, n.|Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so long it has become a science project.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
My father taught me three things|(1) Never mix whiskey with anything but water.\n(2) Never try to draw to an inside straight.\n(3) Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name.
Nachman's Rule|When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better.\n-- Gerald Nachman
narcolepulacyi, n.|The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight to also yawn.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
nerd pack, n.|Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling clothes.  Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling	in his pack.
neutron bomb, n.|An explosive device of limited military value because, as it only destroys people without destroying property, it must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property.
new, adj.|Different color from previous model.
Newlan's Truism|An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Newman's Discovery|Your best dreams may not come true; fortunately, neither will your worst dreams.
Newton's Law of Gravitation|What goes up must come down.  But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.  Murphy's Law applies to Newton's.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law|A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Nick the Greek's Law of Life|All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules|The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
no brainer|A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally.
no maintenance|Impossible to fix.
nolo contendere|A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do it again."
nominal egg|New Yorkerese for expensive.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations|Negative expectations yield negative results. Positive expectations yield negative results.
Nouvelle cuisine, n.|French for "not enough food". Continental breakfast, n.: English for "not enough food". Tapas, n.: Spanish for "not enough food". Dim Sum, n.: Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life.
November, n.|The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery|When comes the revolution, things will be different -- not better, just different.
Nowlan's Theory|He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.
Nusbaum's Rule|The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For instance, the Murphy Center for the Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, and AT&T.)
O'Brian's Law|Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen|Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law|Murphy was an optimist.
Occam's eraser|The philosophical principle that even the simplest solution is bound to have something wrong with it.
Office Automation|The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
Official Project Stages|(1) Uncritical Acceptance\n(2) Wild Enthusiasm\n(3) Dejected Disillusionment\n(4) Total Confusion\n(5) Search for the Guilty\n(6) Punishment of the Innocent\n(7) Promotion of the Non-participants
Ogden's Law|The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
Old Japanese proverb|There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, and those who climb it twice.
Old timer, n.|One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization.
Oliver's Law|Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Olmstead's Law|After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
omnibiblious, adj.|Indifferent to type of drink.  Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. I'm omnibiblious."
On ability|A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well.\n-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD
On the subject of C program indentation|"In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be indented six feet downward and covered with dirt."\n-- Blair P. Houghton
On-line, adj.|The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Once, adv.|Enough.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
One Page Principle|A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper cannot be understood.\n-- Mark Ardis
"One size fits all"|Doesn't fit anyone.
One-Shot Case Study, n.|The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green.
optimist, n|A bagpiper with a beeper.
Oregano, n.|The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
Osborn's Law|Variables won't; constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws|(1)  If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't.\n(2)  The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make.\n(3)  People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.\n(4)  Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth.
pain, n.|One thing, at least it proves that you're alive!
Painting, n.|The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Pandora's Rule|Never open a box you didn't close.
Paprika Measure|2 dashes    ==  1smidgen 2 smidgens  ==  1 pinch 3 pinches   ==  1 soupcon 2 soupcons  ==  2 much paprika
paranoia, n.|A healthy understanding of the way the universe works.
Pardo's First Postulate|Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Arnold's Addendum: Everything else causes cancer in rats.
Parkinson's Fifth Law|If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law|The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done.
party, n.|A gathering where you meet people who drink so much you can't even remember their names.
Pascal Users|The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. Please modify your programs accordingly.
Pascal Users|To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
Pascal|A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.\n-- Datamation, January 15, 1984
Patageometry, n.|The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant under brain transplants.
patent|A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them.
Paul's Law|In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Paul's Law|You can't fall off the floor.
paycheck|The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions.
Peace, n.|In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Pecor's Health-Food Principle|Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it.
Pedaeration, n.|The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
pediddel|A car with only one working headlight.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Peers's Law|The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Penguin Trivia #46|Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were.\n-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
pension|A federally insured chain letter.
People's Action Rules|(1) Some people who can, shouldn't.\n(2) Some people who should, won't.\n(3) Some people who shouldn't, will.\n(4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless.\n(5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others.
perfect guest|One who makes his host feel at home.
Performance|A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.  Or rather, might work under certain circumstances.  Or was rumored to be working over in Jersey about a month ago.
pessimist|A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the wolf from the door. optimist: A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of his pants. opportunist: A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat.
Peter's Law of Substitution|Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after themselves. Peter's Principle of Success: Get up one time more than you're knocked down.
Peterson's Admonition|When you think you're going down for the third time -- just remember that you may have counted wrong.
Peterson's Rules|(1) Trucks that overturn on freeways are filled with something sticky.\n(2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one.\n(3) Things that tick are not always clocks.\n(4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing.
petribar|Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in the window of a vending machine too long.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Phases of a Project|(1)	Exultation. (2)	Disenchantment. (3)	Confusion. (4)	Search for the Guilty. (5)	Punishment for the Innocent. (6)	Distinction for the Uninvolved.
philosophy|The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends.
philosophy|Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
phosflink|To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that will bring it back to life).\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Pickle's Law|If Congress must do a painful thing, the thing must be done in an odd-number year.
pixel, n.|A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department.
Pohl's law|Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
poisoned coffee, n.|Grounds for divorce.
politics, n.|A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Pollyanna's Educational Constant|The hyperactive child is never absent.
polygon|Dead parrot.
Poorman's Rule|When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to pull it open.
Portable, adj.|Survives system reboot.
Positive, adj.|Mistaken at the top of one's voice.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
poverty, n.|An unfortunate state that persists as long as anyone lacks anything he would like to have.
Power, n.|The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
prairies, n.|Vast plains covered by treeless forests.
Prejudice|A vagrant opinion without visible means of support.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning|It's on the other side.
Price's Advice|It's all a game -- play it to have fun.
Priority|A statement of the importance of a user or a program.  Often expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than someone else.
problem drinker, n.|A man who never buys.
program, n.|A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.  tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
program, n.|Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one day.  Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation always justifies hiring at least three more people.
Programming Department|Mistakes made while you wait.
progress, n.|Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons invading the body and taking possession of it. Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction.
prototype, n.|First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc.  Unlike its successors, the prototype is not expected to work.
Pryor's Observation|How long you live has nothing to do with how long you are going to be dead.
Pudder's Law|Anything that begins well will end badly.\n(Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.)
purpitation, n.|To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you don't want it, and then put it in another section.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Putt's Law|Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.
QOTD|"It's not the despair... I can stand the despair.  It's the hope."
QOTD|"A child of 5 could understand this!  Fetch me a child of 5."
QOTD|"A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem."
QOTD|"Do you smell something burning or is it me?"\n-- Joan of Arc
QOTD|"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone."
QOTD|"East is east... and let's keep it that way."
QOTD|"Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits."
QOTD|"Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, I go to work."
QOTD|"Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now to late to punish."
QOTD|"He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day."
QOTD|"He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different ticket."
QOTD|"I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent."
QOTD|"I am not sure what this is, but an 'F' would only dignify it."
QOTD|"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
QOTD|"I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying."
QOTD|"I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby."
QOTD|"I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position."
QOTD|"I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome."
QOTD|"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
QOTD|"I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it didn't work."
QOTD|"I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a horse with one of the horns broken off."
QOTD|"I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return it though.  Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower."
QOTD|"I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality."
QOTD|"I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with the lost."
QOTD|"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance."
QOTD|"I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job."
QOTD|"I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass."
QOTD|"I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the dog for dinner."
QOTD|"I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza... I might play golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her!"
QOTD|"I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD."
QOTD|"I'm just a boy named 'su'..."
QOTD|"I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..."
QOTD|"I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it."
QOTD|"I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint.  And then go on strike.  To make less money."
QOTD|"I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back all of my stuff."
QOTD|"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
QOTD|"If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything."
QOTD|"If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the cologne, now would I?"
QOTD|"If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie."
QOTD|"If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it."
QOTD|"In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department."
QOTD|"It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many stations anymore."
QOTD|"It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets."
QOTD|"It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing."
QOTD|"It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out."
QOTD|"It's been Monday all week today."
QOTD|"It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun."
QOTD|"It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
QOTD|"It's sort of a threat, you see.  I've never been very good at them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective."
QOTD|"Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?"
QOTD|"Lack of planning on your part doesn't consitute an emergency on my part."
QOTD|"Like this rose, our love will wilt and die."
QOTD|"My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?"
QOTD|"My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships."
QOTD|"Of course it's the murder weapon.  Who would frame someone with a fake?"
QOTD|"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy."
QOTD|"Oh, no, no...  I'm not beautiful.  Just very, very pretty."
QOTD|"Our parents were never our age."
QOTD|"Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies."
QOTD|"Say, you look pretty athletic.  What say we put a pair of tennis shoes on you and run you into the wall?"
QOTD|"She's about as smart as bait."
QOTD|"Sure, I turned down a drink once.  Didn't understand the question."
QOTD|"The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its neck to get the dog to play with it."
QOTD|"The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."
QOTD|"There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking."
QOTD|"This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the left."
QOTD|"Unlucky?  If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween."
QOTD|"What do you mean, you had the dog fixed?   Just what made you think he was broken!"
QOTD|"What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding when I mess things up."
QOTD|"What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call "baring your neck."
QOTD|"When she hauled ass, it took three trips."
QOTD|"Who?  Me?  No, no, NO!!  But I do sell rugs."
QOTD|"Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?"
QOTD|"You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? How...  tribal."
QOTD|"You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth."
QOTD|All I want is a little more than I'll ever get.
QOTD|All I want is more than my fair share.
QOTD|Flash!  Flash!  I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to save the earth!
QOTD|How can I miss you if you won't go away?
QOTD|I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, then I thought 'One of us is in real trouble'.\n-- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash
QOTD|I love your outfit, does it come in your size?
QOTD|I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the ball in their court.\n-- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs)
QOTD|I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged".
QOTD|I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.]
QOTD|I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one.
QOTD|If it's too loud, you're too old.
QOTD|If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection.
QOTD|Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand.  Paul Ehrenfest, carrying on the work, died similarly in 1933.  Now it is our turn.\n-- Goodstein, States of Matter
QOTD|Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
QOTD|My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
QOTD|On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say...  oh, somewhere in there.
QOTD|Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
QOTD|Silence is the only virtue he has left.
QOTD|Some people have one of those days.  I've had one of those lives.
QOTD|Talent does what it can, genius what it must. I do what I get paid to do.
QOTD|Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work and the others are more than willing to watch them.
QOTD|The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean the snakes have gone away.
QOTD|The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the gerbil has more dark meat.
QOTD|Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK...  S'great...
Quality control, n.|Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
Quality Control, n.|The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
quark|The sound made by a well bred duck.
Quigley's Law|Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will atttempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation|It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that you are in a hurry.
Random, n.|As in number, predictable.  As in memory access, unpredictable.
Ray's Rule of Precision|Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
Re: Graphics|A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described with pictures.
Real Time, adj.|Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there and then.
Reappraisal, n.|An abrupt change of mind after being found out.
Reception area, n.|The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- Cosmopolitan.
Recursion n.|See Recursion.\n-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
Reformed, n.|A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays.
Regression analysis|Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are getting worse.
Reichel's Law|A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by an outside force.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia|If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
Reliable source, n.|The guy you just met.
Renning's Maxim|Man is the highest animal.  Man does the classifying.
Reporter, n.|A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Reputation, adj.|What others are not thinking about you.
Research, n.|Consider Columbus: He didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. When he got back he didn't know where he had been. And he did it all on someone else's money.
Revolution, n.|A form of government abroad.
Revolution, n.|In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
revolutionary, adj.|Repackaged.
Ritchie's Rule|(1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency.\n(2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job.\n(3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost.
Robot, n.|University administrator.
Robustness, adj.|Never having to say you're sorry.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention|Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.
Rudd's Discovery|You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't.  Why?  Because they can stay in Washington and make it there.
Rudin's Law|If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time. Rudin's Second Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
rugged, adj.|Too heavy to lift.
Rule #1|The Boss is always right. Rule #2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1.
Rule of Creative Research|(1) Never draw what you can copy.\n(2) Never copy what you can trace.\n(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization|Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Rule of Feline Frustration|When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
Rule of the Great|When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Rules for Academic Deans|(1)  HIDE!!!!\n(2)  If they find you, LIE!!!!\n-- Father Damian C. Fandal
Rules for driving in New York|(1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal.\n(2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on.\n(3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the intersection.
Rune's Rule|If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Ryan's Law|Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.
Sacher's Observation|Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell.
Satellite Safety Tip #14|If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
Sattinger's Law|It works better if you plug it in.
Savage's Law of Expediency|You want it bad, you'll get it bad.
scenario, n.|An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in which a business decision is made.  Scenarios always come in sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case.
Schapiro's Explanation|The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's because they use more manure.
Schlattwhapper, n.|The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Schmidt's Observation|All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap than a thin person.
scribline, n.|The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Second Law of Business Meetings|If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary: If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong, anyway.
Second Law of Final Exams|In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you.
Secretary's Revenge|Filing almost everything under "the".
Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine|Ice Cream cures all ills.  Temporarily.
Self Test for Paranoia|You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's your own fault.
Senate, n.|A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and misdemeanors.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
senility, n.|The state of mind of elderly persons with whom one happens to disagree.
serendipity, n.|The process by which human knowledge is advanced.
Serocki's Stricture|Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Shannon's Observation|Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation that is beginning to improve.
share, n.|To give in, endure humiliation.
Shaw's Principle|Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Shedenhelm's Law|All trails have more uphill sections than they have downhill sections.
Shick's Law|There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
Silverman's Law|If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law|Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor)|That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.
Slous' Contention|If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it.
Slurm, n.|The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it sits in the dish too long.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Snacktrek, n.|The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have materialized.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
snappy repartee|What you'd say if you had another chance.
Sodd's Second Law|Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is bound to occur.
Software, n.|Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
spagmumps, n.|Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading|The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the number of times you have looked at it.
Spence's Admonition|Never stow away on a kamikaze plane.
Spirtle, n.|The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in your eye.\n-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
Spouse, n.|Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
squatcho, n.|The button at the top of a baseball cap.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
standards, n.|The principles we use to reject other people's code.
statistics, n.|A system for expressing your political prejudices in convincing scientific guise.
Steckel's Rule to Success|Good enough is never good enough.
Steele's Law|There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than ten men or fewer than one hundred.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy|Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming|Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Stenderup's Law|The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.
Stock's Observation|You no sooner get your head above water but what someone pulls your flippers off.
Stone's Law|One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?"
strategy, n.|A comprehensive plan of inaction.
Strategy|A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Stult's Report|Our problems are mostly behind us.  What we have to do now is fight the solutions.
Stupid, n.|Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
Sturgeon's Law|90% of everything is crud.
sugar daddy, n.|A man who can afford to raise cain.
SUN Microsystems|The Network IS the Load Average.
sunset, n.|Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with progressively reducing solar elevation.
sushi, n.|When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and strapped on with electrical tape.
Sushido, n.|The way of the tuna.
Swahili, n.|The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions.\n-- Johnny Hart
Sweater, n.|A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly.
Swipple's Rule of Order|He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
system-independent, adj.|Works equally poorly on all systems.
T-shirt of the Day|Head for the Mountains\n-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! -- courtesy someone else
T-shirt Of The Day|I'm the person your mother warned you about.
T-shirt|Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum!
Tact, n.|The unsaid part of what you're thinking.
take forceful action|Do something that should have been done a long time ago.
tax office, n.|Den of inequity.
Taxes, n.|Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension.
taxidermist, n.|A man who mounts animals.
teamwork, n.|Having someone to blame.
Telephone, n.|An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
telepression, n.|The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the burden on the directory assistant.\n-- "Sniglets", Rich Hall & Friends
Teutonic|Not enough gin.
The 357.73 Theory|Auditors always reject expense accounts with a bottom line divisible by 5.
The Abrams' Principle|The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter|I don't mind... and you don't matter.\n-- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana
The Beatles|Paul McCartney's old back-up band.
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development|To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units.
The Consultant's Curse|When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him what he asks for, instead of what he needs.  This is very strong medicine, and is normally only required once.
The Fifth Rule|You have taken yourself too seriously.
The First Rule of Program Optimization|Don't do it. The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): Don't do it yet.\n-- Michael Jackson
The five rules of Socialism|(1) Don't think.\n(2) If you do think, don't speak.\n(3) If you think and speak, don't write.\n(4) If you think, speak and write, don't sign.\n(5) If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised.\n-- being told in Poland, 1987
The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws|(1) You can't push on a string.\n(2) Ain't no free lunches.\n(3) Them as has, gets.\n(4) You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences|He who has the gold makes the rules.
The Gordian Maxim|If a string has one end, it has another.
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle|You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
The Illiterati Programus Canto 1|A program is a lot like a nose: Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows.
The Kennedy Constant|Don't get mad -- get even.
The Law of the Letter|The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.
The Marines|The few, the proud, the dead on the beach.
The Marines|The few, the proud, the not very bright.
The most dangerous organization in America today is|(a) The KKK\n(b) The American Nazi Party\n(c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club
The Official MBA Handbook on business cards|Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate Planning."
The Phone Booth Rule|A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.
The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's|"My brain is paged out to my liver."
The real man's Bloody Mary|Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. Fill a large tumbler with vodka. Throw all the other ingredients away.
The Roman Rule|The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics|If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!\n-- Jim Warner
The Seventh Commandments for Technicians|Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in other ways.
The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee|The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in a direction you did not want.   (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long way.)\n-- Dan Roddick
The Third Law of Photography|If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark leaks out.
The three biggest software lies|(1) *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source.\n(2) *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from will fix the microcode.\n(3) Beta test site?  No, *of course* you're not a beta test site.
The three laws of thermodynamics|(1) You can't get anything without working for it.\n(2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.\n(3) You can only break even at absolute zero.
Theorem: a cat has nine tails. Proof:\nNo cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.\nTherefore, a cat has nine tails.
Theory of Selective Supervision|The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks through the office.
theory, n.|System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good it will look in print.
There are three ways to get something done|(1) Do it yourself.\n(2) Hire someone to do it for you.\n(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
Those lovable Brits department|They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'.
Three rules for sounding like an expert|(1) Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness.\n(2) Always point out second-order effects, but never point out when they can be ignored.\n(3) Come up with three rules of your own.
Thyme's Law|Everything goes wrong at once.
timesharing, n|An access method whereby one computer abuses many people.
Tip of the Day|Never fry bacon in the nude. [Correction: always fry bacon in the nude; you'll learn not to burn it]
today, n.|A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long.
Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life|If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault.
transfer, n.|A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town.
transparent, adj.|Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. "It's there, but you can't see it"\n-- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964. virtual, adj.: Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. "I can see it, but it's not there." -- Lady Macbeth.
travel, n.|Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere.
"Trust me"|Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor."
Truthful, adj.|Dumb and illiterate.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Tsort's Constant|1.67563, or precisely 1,237.98712567 times the difference between the distance to the sun and the weight of a small orange.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic" (slightly modified)
Turnaucka's Law|The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
Tussman's Law|Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
U.S. of A.|"Don't speak to the bus driver." Germany: "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." England: "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." Scotland: "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" Italy: "Don't answer the driver."
Udall's Fourth Law|Any change or reform you make is going to have consequences you don't like.
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb|Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a hammer or get a splinter in it.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics|Superiority is recessive.
understand, v.|To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the basis of your own internal model instead.
Unfair animal names|-- tsetse fly			-- bullhead -- booby			-- duck-billed platypus -- sapsucker			-- Clarence -- Gary Larson
unfair competition, n.|Selling cheaper than we do.
union, n.|A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management.
Universe, n.|The problem.
University, n.|Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to fix it, and ... [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying the credibility of the entire fortune program.  Ed.]
Unnamed Law|If it happens, it must be possible.
untold wealth, n.|What you left out on April 15th.
User n.|A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
user, n.|The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot."\n-- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" [I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used when they meant "idiot."  Ed.]
vacation, n.|A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday life-style to recuperate.
Vail's Second Axiom|The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the amount of work already completed.
Van Roy's Law|An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Van Roy's Law|Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. Van Roy's Truism: Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control.
Vanilla, adj.|Ordinary flavor, standard.  See FLAVOR.  When used of food, very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla extract!  For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply "vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot and sour won ton soup.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation|(1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.\n(2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
VMS, n.|The world's foremost multi-user adventure game.
volcano, n.|A mountain with hiccups.
Volley Theory|It is better to have lobbed and lost than never to have lobbed at all.
vuja de|The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before.
Walters' Rule|All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from the center of the terminal.  Nobody ever had a reservation on a plane that left Gate 1.
Watson's Law|The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.
"We'll look into it"|By the time the wheels make a full turn, we assume you will have forgotten about it, too.
we|The single most important word in the world.
weapon, n.|An index of the lack of development of a culture.
Wedding, n|A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become supportable.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Weed's Axiom|Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one in which you are least interested and say nothing about the other.
Weiler's Law|Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's First Law|Progress is only made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Principle|An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Weinberg's Second Law|If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries|There are no answers, only cross references.
well-adjusted, adj.|The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games.
Westheimer's Discovery|A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a couple of hours in the library.
When asked the definition of "pi"|The Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the circumference of a circle and its diameter. The Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. The Engineer: Pi is about 3.
Whistler's Law|You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
White's Statement|Don't lose heart! Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: ...they might want to cut it out... Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Whitehead's Law|The obvious answer is always overlooked.
Wiker's Law|Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Wilcox's Law|A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
Williams and Holland's Law|If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Wilner's Observation|All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private.
Wit, n.|The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... by leaving it out.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
wok, n.|Something to thwow at a wabbit.
wolf, n.|A man who knows all the ankles.
Woodward's Law|A theory is better than its explanation.
Woolsey-Swanson Rule|People would rather live with a problem they cannot solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand.
work, n.|The blessed respite from screaming kids and soap operas for which you actually get paid.
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing|August.  The lift lines are the shortest, though.\n-- Steve Rubenstein
Worst Month of the Year|February.  February has only 28 days in it, which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.\n-- Steve Rubenstein
Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985|From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs damage my videotapes?"
Worst Vegetable of the Year|The brussels sprout.  This is also the worst vegetable of next year.\n-- Steve Rubenstein
write-protect tab, n.|A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly left by disk manufacturers.  The use of the tab creates an error message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the momentary inconvenience.\n-- Robb Russon
WYSIWYG|What You See Is What You Get.
XIIdigitation, n.|The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Year, n.|A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Yinkel, n.|A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one will notice.\n-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
yo-yo, n.|Something that is occasionally up but normally down.\n(see also Computer).
Zall's Laws|(1) Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong.\n(2) How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
zeal, n.|Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick.
Zero Defects, n.|The result of shutting down a production line.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor|People are always available for work in the past tense.
Obscurism|The practice of peppering daily life with obscure references as a subliminal means of showcasing both one's education and one's wish to disassociate from the world of mass culture.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
McJob|A low-pay, low-prestige, low-benefit, no-future job in the service sector.  Frequently considered a satisfying career choice by those who have never held one.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Historic Underdosing|To live in a period of time when nothing seems to happen. Major symptoms include addiction to newspapers, magazines, and TV news broadcasts.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Historic Overdosing|To live in a period of time when too much seems to happen. Major symptoms include addiction to newspapers, magazines, and TV news broadcasts.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Brazilification|The widening gulf between the rich and the poor and the accompanying disappearance of the middle classes.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Vaccinated Time Travel|To fantasize about traveling backward in time, but only with proper vaccinations.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Veal-Fattening Pen|Small, cramped office workstations built of fabric-covered disassemblable wall partitions and inhabited by junior staff members.  Named after the small preslaughter cubicles used by the cattle industry.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Emotional Ketchup Burst|The bottling up of opinions and emotions inside oneself so that they explosively burst forth all at once, shocking and confusing employers and friends -- most of whom thought things were fine.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Bleeding Ponytail|An elderly, sold-out baby boomer who pines for hippie or presellout days.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Boomer Envy|Envy of material wealth and long-range material security accrued by older members of the baby boom generation by virtue of fortunate births.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Consensus Terrorism|The process that decides in-office attitudes and behavior.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Sick Building Migration|The tendency of younger workers to leave or avoid jobs in unhealthy office environments or workplaces affected by the Sick Building Syndrome.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Recurving|Leaving one job to take another that pays less but places one back on the learning curve.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Ozmosis|The inability of one's job to live up to one's self-image.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Power Mist|The tendency of hierarchies in office environments to be diffuse and preclude crisp articulation.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Earth Tones|A youthful subgroup interested in vegetarianism, tie-dyed outfits, mild recreational drugs, and good stereo equipment.  Earnest, frequently lacking in humor.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Ethnomagnetism|The tendency of young people to live in emotionally demonstrative, more unrestrained ethnic neighborhoods: "You wouldn't understand it there, mother -- they *hug* where I live now."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Successophobia|The fear that if one is successful, then one's personal needs will be forgotten and one will no longer have one's childish needs catered to.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Safety Net-ism|The belief that there will always be a financial and emotional safety net to buffer life's hurts.  Usually parents.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Divorce Assumption|A form of Safety Net-ism, the belief that if a marriage doesn't work out, then there is no problem because partners can simply seek a divorce.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Legislated Nostalgia|To force a body of people to have memories they do not actually possess: "How can I be a part of the 1960s generation when I don't even remember any of it?"\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Now Denial|To tell oneself that the only time worth living in is the past and that the only time that may ever be interesting again is the future.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Bambification|The mental conversion of flesh and blood living creatures into cartoon characters possessing bourgeois Judeo-Christian attitudes and morals.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Diseases for Kisses (Hyperkarma)|A deeply rooted belief that punishment will somehow always be far greater than the crime: ozone holes for littering.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Spectacularism|A fascination with extreme situations.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Status Substitution|Using an object with intellectual or fashionable cachet to substitute for an object that is merely pricey: "Brian, you left your copy of Camus in your brother's BMW."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Survivulousness|The tendency to visualize oneself enjoying being the last person on Earth.  "I'd take a helicopter up and throw microwave ovens down on the Taco Bell."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Platonic Shadow|A nonsexual friendship with a member of the opposite sex.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Mental Ground Zero|The location where one visualizes oneself during the dropping of the atomic bomb; frequently, a shopping mall.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Cult of Aloneness|The need for autonomy at all costs, usually at the expense of long-term relationships.  Often brought about by overly high expectations of others.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Celebrity Schadenfreude|Lurid thrills derived from talking about celebrity deaths.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Poorochrondria|Hypochrondria derived from not having medical insurance.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Personal Tabu|A small rule for living, bordering on a superstition, that allows one to cope with everyday life in the absence of cultural or religious dictums.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Japanese Minimalism|The most frequently offered interior design aesthetic used by rootless career-hopping young people.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Bread and Circuits|The electronic era tendency to view party politics as corny -- no longer relevant of meaningful or useful to modern societal issues, and in many cases dangerous.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Voter's Block|The attempt, however futile, to register dissent with the current political system by simply not voting.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Armanism|After Giorgio Armani; an obsession with mimicking the seamless and (more importantly) *controlled* ethos of Italian couture.  Like Japanese Minimalism, Armanism reflects a profound inner need for control.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Poor Buoyancy|The realization that one was a better person when one had less money.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Musical Hairsplitting|The act of classifying music and musicians into pathologically picayune categories: "The Vienna Franks are a good example of urban white acid fold revivalism crossed with ska."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
101-ism|The tendency to pick apart, often in minute detail, all aspects of life using half-understood pop psychology as a tool.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Ultra Short Term Nostalgia|Homesickness for the extremely recent past: "God, things seemed so much better in the world last week."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Conspicuous Minimalism|A life-style tactic similar to Status Substitution.  The nonownership of material goods flaunted as a token of moral and intellectual superiority.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Air Family|Describes the false sense of community experienced among coworkers in an office environment.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Conversational Slumming|The self-conscious enjoyment of a given conversation precisely for its lack of intellectual rigor.  A major spin-off activity of Recreational Slumming.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Occupational Slumming|Taking a job well beneath one's skill or education level as a means of retreat from adult responsibilities and/or avoiding failure in one's true occupation.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Tele-Parabilizing|Morals used in everyday life that derive from TV sitcom plots: "That's just like the episode where Jan loses her glasses!"\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
QFD|Quelle fucking drag.  "Jamie got stuck at Rome airport for thirty-six hours and it was, like, totally QFD."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
QFM|Quelle fashion mistake.  "It was really QFM.  I mean painter pants?  That's 1979 beyond belief."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Paper Rabies|Hypersensitivity to littering.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Black Holes|An X generation subgroup best known for their possession of almost entirely black wardrobes.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Strangelove Reproduction|Having children to make up for the fact that one no longer believes in the future.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Poverty Lurks|Financial paranoia instilled in offspring by depression-era parents.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Pull-the-Plug, Slice the Pie|A fantasy in which an offspring mentally tallies up the net worth of his parents.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
2 + 2 = 5-ism|Caving in to a target marketing strategy aimed at oneself after holding out for a long period of time.  "Oh, all right, I'll buy your stupid cola.  Now leave me alone."\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Option Paralysis|The tendency, when given unlimited choices, to make none.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Jack-and-Jill Party|A Squire tradition; baby showers to which both men and women friends are invited as opposed to only women.  Doubled purchasing power of bisexual attendance brings gift values up to Eisenhower-era standards.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture"
Down-Nesting|The tendency of parents to move to smaller, guest-room-free houses after the children have moved away so as to avoid children aged 20 to 30 who have boomeranged home.\n-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
greenrd's law\nEvey post disparaging someone else's spelling or grammar, or lauding\none's own spelling or grammar, will inevitably contain a spelling or\ngrammatical error.\n-- greenrd in http://www.kuro5hin.org/comments/2002/4/16/61744/5230?pid=5#6
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.\n-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.\n-- G. B. Shaw
A good question is never answered.  It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope of greening the landscape of idea.\n-- John Ciardi
A grammarian's life is always in tense.
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.\n-- William James
A Parable of Modern Research|Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one brightly lit corner. "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" "I can only see here."
A pencil with no point needs no eraser.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.\n-- Burt Bacharach
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest in students.\n-- John Ciardi
"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly."\n-- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin
About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard.
Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.\n-- Wallace Sayre
Academicians care, that's who.
An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.\n-- Benjamin Franklin
Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours.\n-- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
As Gen. de Gaulle occassionally acknowledges America to be the daughter of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard.\n-- J.F. Kennedy
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it.  If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.\n-- Peter Ustinov
Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two points.\n-- M. M. Johnston
Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule."\n-- David Guaspari
Dear Freshman,\nYou don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but unknown to you we have something in common.  We are both rather prone to mistakes.  I was elected Student Government President by mistake, and you came to school here by mistake.
Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties.
Did you know the University of Iowa closed down after someone stole the book?
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses.
Do you know the difference between education and experience?  Education is what you get when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't.\n-- Pete Seeger
Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and demand.  The less of either the people have, the less they want.\n-- Charlotte Observer, 1897
Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist"
Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know.\n-- Daniel J. Boorstin
Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine.\n-- Irwin Edman
Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten.\n-- B.F. Skinner
Educational television should be absolutely forbidden.  It can only lead to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with royal-blue chickens.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Eloquence is logic on fire.
Encyclopedia for sale by father.  Son knows everything.
Engineering:    "How will this work?" Science:        "Why will this work?" Management:     "When will this work?" Liberal Arts:   "Do you want fries with that?"
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to speak it to?\n-- Clarence Darrow
Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers.  My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.  There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.\n-- Flannery O'Connor
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.\n-- C.C. Colton
Experience is the worst teacher.  It always gives the test first and the instruction afterward.
F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr.
Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays.\n-- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink",  ed. D. Wynn
Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car.
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre.\n-- Gail Godwin
Graduate life: It's not just a job.  It's an indenture.
Graduate students and most professors are no smarter than undergrads. They're just older.
He that teaches himself has a fool for a master.\n-- Benjamin Franklin
"He was a modest, good-humored boy.  It was Oxford that made him insufferable."
He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general education and culture.\n-- Julia Norton McCorkle
[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had a complete set.\n-- Ring Lardner
Higher education helps your earning capacity.  Ask any college professor.
History books which contain no lies are extremely dull.
History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names.\n-- Leo Tolstoy
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?\n-- Elliot, "E.T."
I am a bookaholic.  If you are a decent person, you will not sell me another book.
"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it."\n-- English Professor
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.\n-- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University
I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway.\n-- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, University of Tennessee at Knoxville
I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself.\n-- Firesign Theatre
I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.\n-- Blaise Pascal
"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..."\n-- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435
I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very interesting|a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell more than he knows.\n-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.\n-- Wilson Mizner
I think your opinions are reasonable, except for the one about my mental instability.\n-- Psychology Professor, Farifield University
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."\n-- English Professor, Providence College
If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, let him become president of Harvard.\n-- Edward Holyoke
If he had only learnt a little less, how infinitely better he might have taught much more!
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If little else, the brain is an educational toy.\n-- Tom Robbins
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.\n-- Pope John Paul I
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?\n-- Lily Tomlin
If we spoke a different language, we would perceive a somewhat different world.\n-- Wittgenstein
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.\n-- Marguerite Emmons
If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy.
If you can't read this, blame a teacher.
If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.\n-- Derek Bok, president of Harvard
If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable.\n-- "Graffiti in the Big Ten"
"If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything."\n-- A. L.
Ignorance is never out of style.  It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.\n-- Franklin K. Dane
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people so resolutely pursuing it.
Illiterate?  Write today, for free help!
Iowa State -- the high school after high school!\n-- Crow T. Robot
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is.  If you don't, it's its.  Then too, it's hers.  It isn't her's.  It isn't our's either.  It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.\n-- Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee.\n-- Snoopy
Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.
Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose.
Learning without thought is labor lost; thought without learning is perilous.\n-- Confucius
Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well.\n-- Will Rogers
Most seminars have a happy ending.  Everyone's glad when they're over.
My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose your ignorance; you cannot replace it."\n-- Erich Maria Remarque
Never have so many understood so little about so much.\n-- James Burke
Never let your schooling interfere with your education.
No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon lectures which are really worth the attending.\n-- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations"
No matter who you are, some scholar can show you the great idea you had was had by someone before you.
No wonder you're tired!  You understood so much today.
Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other reason than self-protection.  We never recommend any of our graduates, although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed their courses.\n-- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn"
Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree.\n-- Professor, EECS, George Washington University I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. -- Professor, Harvard, on a  senior thesis.
"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard."\n-- Dr. Joy
OK, so you're a Ph.D.  Just don't touch anything.
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.\n-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
"Plaese porrf raed."\n-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
Practice is the best of all instructors.\n-- Publilius
Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart.  Harvard's is a subtle taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco.  It may even be a bad habit, for all I know.\n-- Prof. J.H. Finley '25
Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 midterm.  Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter.  Newell's earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.
Reporter:   "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" Yogi Berra: "Closed."
Smartness runs in my family.  When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.\n-- George Burns
Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books.\n-- Folk saying
"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy."
Spelling is a lossed art.
Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar without his duck ...
Teachers have class.
The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it.  Don't ever do this to my eyes again.\n-- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College
The alarm clock that is louder than God's own belongs to the roommate with the earliest class.
The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.\n-- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England"
The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D.\n-- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work"
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his intellectual nakedness.\n-- Robert M. Hutchins
The end of the world will occur at three p.m., this Friday, with symposium to follow.
The future is a race between education and catastrophe.\n-- H.G. Wells
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The man who has never been flogged has never been taught.\n-- Menander
The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.\n-- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog)
The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history.\n-- Hegel I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the long view. -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar"
The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have to sleep every few days.
The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the illiterates can read.\n-- Alberto Moravia
The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking.\n-- Christopher Morley
"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and is an emerging underachiever."
The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant.  The population is, of course, growing.
The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness.\n-- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed"
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.\n-- F. Scott Fitzgerald
The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August.
The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad.
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.\n-- E.B. White
There are no answers, only cross-references.\n-- Weiner
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.\n-- Winston Churchill
Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, for these only gave life, those the art of living well.\n-- Aristotle
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.\n-- Hector Berlioz
To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun.  To accuse neither oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete.\n-- Epictetus
To craunch a marmoset.\n-- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke"
To teach is to learn twice.\n-- Joseph Joubert
To teach is to learn.
Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational.\n-- Charles Schulz
Trying to get an education here is like trying to get a drink from a fire hose.
Universities are places of knowledge.  The freshman each bring a little in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.\n-- C. P. Snow
Walt:	Dad, what's gradual school? Garp:	Gradual school? Walt:	Yeah.  Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching\ngradual school. Garp:	Oh.  Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually\nfind out that you don't want to go to school anymore.\n-- The World According To Garp
"We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"\n-- Vroomfondel
We know next to nothing about virtually everything.  It is not necessary to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition to crave knowledge.\n-- George Will
We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable things we did.  I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students.\n-- Waldo D.R. Dobbs
What does education often do?  It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
What makes you think graduate school is supposed to be satisfying?\n-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.\n-- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals"
What we do not understand we do not possess.\n-- Goethe
What's page one, a preemptive strike?\n-- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.\n-- Woody Allen
Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean, "not really."\n-- Dave Parnas
Where do I find the time for not reading so many books?\n-- Karl Kraus
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.\n-- George Ade
You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school.\n-- H.H. Munro
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.\n-- J. D. Salinger
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.\n-- Alfred Kahn
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"\n-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
Your education begins where what is called your education is over.
Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh.  The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much.  Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.\n-- David Letterman
"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands."\n-- Saint Patrick
Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf.  Then they had to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration.
America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and changed its name to "America".\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood?\n-- Allen Ginsberg
American by birth; Texan by the grace of God.
Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense.
Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization.\n-- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus"
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.\n-- A Chinese child
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.\n-- A.P. Herbert
Anything anybody can say about America is true.\n-- Emmett Grogan
Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet Union.\n-- P.J. O'Rourke
Baseball is a skilled game.  It's America's game - it, and high taxes.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them seemed to come from Texas.\n-- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale"
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System.  You couldn't pry that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation straightened out for a crowbar.\n-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter.
Do Miami a favor.  When you leave, take someone with you.
Do you know Montana?
Eli and Bessie went to sleep. In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli.\n"Please be so kindly and close the window.  It's cold outside!" Half asleep, Eli murmured,\n"Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?"
For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say "Canada".  Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something.\n-- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S.
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are!
Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax.\n-- Mike Royko
Have you seen the latest Japanese camera?  Apparently it is so fast it can photograph an American with his mouth shut!
Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? One fortunate cookie...
"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had money, he went to Southern California."
Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that continues to this day.\n-- Wayne Shannon
Houdini escaping from New Jersey! Film at eleven.
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy.\n-- Yul Brynner, 1956
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
I shot an arrow in to the air, and it stuck.\n-- graffito in Los Angeles On a clear day, U.C.L.A. -- graffito in San Francisco There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all. -- Robert Orben
"I'm in Pittsburgh.  Why am I here?"\n-- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the land He's trying to ignore.
In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't get parts.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.\n-- Stuart Keate
In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into television shows.\n-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game.
Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball.  Basketball, soybeans, hogs and basketball.  Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic.  Berkeley is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee.\n-- Carolyn Jones
Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid.  That's because they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those little paper envelopes.
Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?\n-- Herb Caen
It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma.  If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas?
It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either.\n-- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.\n-- Alexander Korda
It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case.\n-- Sydney J. Harris
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and everything else follows in the same way.\n-- Alan J. Perlis
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops.\n-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, wins few friends, Germans excepted.\n-- Darwin Porter "Scandinavia On $50 A Day"
Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night.\n-- Candice Bergen
Living in New York City gives people real incentives to want things that nobody else wants.\n-- Andy Warhol
Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery.\n-- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840
Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.\n-- Richard Lewis
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.\n-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
New York is real.  The rest is done with mirrors.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.\n-- David Letterman
No matter what other nations may say about the United States, immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."\n-- "The Begatting of a President"
On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers.  "God bless Mommy and Daddy and Keith and Kim," she said.  As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, and God, this is goodbye.  We're moving to Hollywood."
On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.\n-- W.C. Fields' epitaph
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered.  I myself would say that it had merely been detected.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Providence, New Jersey, is one of the few cities where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.\n-- Herb Caen
Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks.
Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York City.  One is "Hey, taxi."  Two is, "What train do I take to get to Bloomingdale's?"  And three is, "Don't worry.  It's just a flesh wound."\n-- David Letterman
The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen.\n-- Winston Churchill, 1942
The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the eagle -- on the back of a dollar.\n-- Finlay Peter Dunne
The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin.\n--Salvador De Madariaga
The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80.
The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries.\n-- Nora Ephron
The British are coming!  The British are coming!
The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth!
The difference between America and England is that the English think 100 miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time.
The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it *pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness.\n-- Mel Brooks
The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach their children to speak it.\n-- G. B. Shaw
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.\n-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people.\n-- Somerset Maugham
The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.  Due north of the center we find the South End.  This is not to be confused with South Boston which lies directly east from the South End.  North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
The goys have proven the following theorem...\n-- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom lecture.
The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon emerging was approached by a panhandler.  "Mister," said the man, "can I have a quarter?"\nThe Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"\nThe panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're right!  Can I have a dollar?"
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.\n-- Andy Warhol
The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common family name in the world is Chang.  Can you imagine the enormous number of people in the world named Mohammad Chang?\n-- Derek Wills
The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a right turn on a red light.\n-- Woody Allen
The San Diego Freeway.  Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics!
The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings.\n-- Little Big Man
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so people who find nothing odd about it.\n-- Calvin Trillin
There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.\n-- Ross MacDonald
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of course, I never heard the story before.
There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state.
There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny.\n-- G. Gordon Liddy
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.\n-- Frank Lloyd Wright
To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he is allowed to drive a taxi in New York.  For New York cabbies, honesty and stopping at red lights are both optional.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go above fifty-eight degrees.  If you collapse on a street in New York, plan to spend a few days there.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than a million dollars are those on fire.  These generally go for six hundred thousand.\n-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
To know Edina is to reject it.\n-- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election"
Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.\n-- Judy Garland, "Wizard of Oz"
Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies.  When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay?  I was hitch-hiking."\n-- David Letterman
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.\n-- David Letterman
Visit beautiful Vergas, Minnesota.
Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells.
Visit[1] the beautiful Smoky Mountains! [1] visit, v.:\nCome for a week, spend too much money and pay lots of hidden taxes,\nthen leave.  We'll be happy to see your money again next year.\nYou can save time by simply sending the money, if you're too busy.
We don't care how they do it in New York.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, the women are pretty, and the children are above-average.\n-- Garrison Keillor
What kind of sordid business are you on now?  I mean, man, whither goest thou?  Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night?\n-- Jack Kerouac
Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will never succeed.\n-- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California
When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.\n-- Samuel Johnson
When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask?  Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday.
When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket and a willingness to compromise.\n-- Weber cartoon caption
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."\n-- Franklyn Ajaye
When you become used to never being alone, you may consider yourself Americanized.
Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights?
Yawd [noun, Bostonese]:  the campus of Have Id.\n-- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones.  Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.\n-- Rita Rudner
You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb.
You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina.\n-- Guindon
A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong game.  They had the volley of the Dills.
A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the house of seven gobbles.
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch.\n-- James Beard
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job.  He kept favoring curry.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.\n-- Ziggy
A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs.  On Friday morning her husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?"
Actor:	So what do you do for a living? Doris:	I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving\ndishes for Chinese restaurants.\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.\n"Diet."
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought the potato salad.
Be careful when you bite into your hamburger.\n-- Derek Bok
BOO!  We changed Coke again!  BLEAH!  BLEAH!
Boycott meat -- suck your thumb.
Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture.  Of course, the same can be said of dirt.
Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality.\n-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Death before dishonor.  But neither before breakfast.
Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... Police suspect the work of a cereal killer!
Dieters live life in the fasting lane.
Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not worry about which side your bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides.
During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm.  He stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode Island Red hopped on top.  Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch a Tory!"
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.\n-- Harry Secombe's diet
Eat drink and be merry!  Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway.
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation.
Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns.
Even a cabbage may look at a king.
Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.\n-- Alexander Woollcott
Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being that a belch is more satisfying.\n-- Ingmar Bergman
Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind.
Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose!
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.\n-- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo"
Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate|I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. "Hey you, get off my plate"\n-- Roger Midnight
God must have loved calories, she made so many of them.
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  November 23, 1915 Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup.
Has anyone ever tasted an "end"?  Are they really bitter?
Have a taco.\n-- P.S. Beagle
Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat.
Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.\n-- Jack Benny
"How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary of her blonde companion.\n"Fishing through the ice," she replied.\n"Fishing through the ice?   Whatever for?"\n"Olives."
I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast with an option to buy.
I brake for chezlogs!
I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed.  Except perhaps the time I found out that M&Ms really DO melt in your hand.\n-- Peter Oakley
I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial.  I don't like the idea of a frog jumping on my Breakfast.\n-- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82
I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed.\n-- Calvin Trillin
I don't even butter my bread.  I consider that cooking.\n-- Katherine Cebrian
I don't have an eating problem.  I eat.  I get fat.  I buy new clothes. No problem.
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it."\n-- Clarence Darrow
I have never been one to sacrifice my appetite on the altar of appearance.\n-- A.M. Readyhough
I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.\n-- Thoreau
I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God.\n-- B. Hathrume Duk
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook.
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."\n"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
I'm hungry, time to eat lunch.
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.\n-- Totie Fields
If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euell Gibbons really was a nut?
If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.\n-- Snoopy
If you see an onion ring -- answer it!
If you stew apples like cranberries, they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.\n-- Groucho Marx
If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal.
If you're going to America, bring your own food.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
If your bread is stale, make toast.
In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait.\n-- Josi Simon
Is there life before breakfast?
It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, to argue with the belly, since it has no ears.\n-- Marcus Porcius Cato
IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them!  Man, wise up.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or two things still safe to eat.\n-- Robert Fuoss
It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...
It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers have been all over it.\n-- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine.
Killing turkeys causes winter.
Kissing don't last, cookery do.\n-- George Meredith
Kitchen activity is highlighted.  Butter up a friend.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.\n-- Tommy Cooper
Last week's pet, this week's special.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it.  You have to eat it nevertheless.\n-- Flaubert
"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it."
Life is like a tin of sardines.  We're, all of us, looking for the key.\n-- Beyond the Fringe
Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- you can lick it, but it still won't go away.
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.\n-- Carl Sandburg
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it.\n-- James Huneker
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.\n-- Storm Jameson
Life without caffeine is stimulating enough.\n-- Sanka Ad
Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from.  And when you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee.\n-- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial
Man who arrives at party two hours late will find he has been beaten to the punch.
Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market.\n-- E.W. Howe
Mountain Dew and doughnuts...  because breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.  Unless there are three other people.\n-- Orson Welles
My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side.\n-- Senator Hubert Humphrey
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
Never drink coke in a moving elevator.  The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations.  People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window.  Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.
Never eat anything bigger than your head.
Never eat more than you can lift.\n-- Miss Piggy
No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after eating one peanut.\n-- Channing Pollock
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.\n-- Charlie Brown
Pete:	Waiter, this meat is bad. Waiter:	Who told you? Pete:	A little swallow.
Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch.
Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
Prunes give you a run for your money.
Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer.  Let it simmer.  Meanwhile, broil a good steak.  Eat the steak.  Let the chili simmer.  Ignore it.\n-- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor of Texas.
Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea!
Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two deserts.\n-- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59
Sacred cows make great hamburgers.
Save gas, don't eat beans.
Seeing is deceiving.  It's eating that's believing.\n-- James Thurber
So much food; so little time!
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.\n-- Thoreau
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up at the steam fitters' picnic.
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.\n-- John McNulty
THE DAILY PLANET\nSUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!\nPlans to "Eat it later"
The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before.
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz said,\n"Life is like a bowl of sour cream."\n"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"\n"How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.  The original meal has never been found.\n-- Calvin Trillin
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."\n-- D. Letterman
The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success of the barbecue.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
The only thing better than love is milk.
The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", which is also sometimes called "grape sugar," and also because "Grape Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil Food and Gravel," which is what it tastes like.\n-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. Cowboy:	"Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess.  Hardworkin'.\nNot the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." Horse:  "No, stupid, not feed*back*.  I said I wanted a feed*bag*.
The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again.\n-- George Miller
The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus.
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them.
There are twenty-five people left in the world, and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers.\n-- Ed Sanders
There is more simplicity in the man who eats caviar on impulse than in the man who eats Grape-Nuts on principle.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
There's always free cheese in a mousetrap.
There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar.
Thirteen at a table is unlucky only when the hostess has only twelve chops.\n-- Groucho Marx
This is Betty Frenel.  I don't know who to call but I can't reach my Food-a-holics partner.  I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage and mushroom.  Jim, come and get me!
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch.
Two peanuts were walking through the New York.  One was assaulted.
Vegetables are what food eats. Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. Fish are fast moving vegetables. Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them.\n-- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams
Vegetarians beware!  You are what you eat.
Waiter:	"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 1st customer: "I'll have tea." 2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"\n(Waiter exits, returns) Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Wake up and smell the coffee.\n-- Ann Landers
What foods these morsels be!
What is food to one, is to others bitter poison.\n-- Titus Lucretius Carus
What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's enemies.  Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking out of him.\n-- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles"
When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper.
When all else fails, EAT!!!
When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.\n-- Ignatius Reilly
When you're dining out and you suspect something's wrong, you're probably right.
Where do you go to get anorexia?\n-- Shelley Winters
While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove.\n-- Edward Stevenson
Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the pure in heart can make a good soup.\n-- Ludwig Van Beethoven
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow?
Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.\n-- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food
You first parents of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you have done for a truffled turkey?\n-- Brillat-savarin, "Physiologie du Gout"
You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo.\n-- S. Rickly Christian
You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car.\n-- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82
You must dine in our cafeteria.  You can eat dirt cheap there!!!!
Your mind is the part of you that says,\n"Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" ... and then, twenty minutes later, says,\n"Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!"\n-- Steven and Ondrea Levine
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
A few hours grace before the madness begins again.
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.
A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any price.
A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.
A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work.
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
A vivid and creative mind characterizes you.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
Accent on helpful side of your nature.  Drain the moat.
Advancement in position.
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly.
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume.
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Are you a turtle?
Are you ever going to do the dishes?  Or will you change your major to biology?
Are you making all this up as you go along?
Are you sure the back door is locked?
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance.
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
Be careful!  Is it classified?
Be careful!  UGLY strikes 9 out of 10!
Be cautious in your daily affairs.
Be cheerful while you are alive.\n-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
Be different: conform.
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so get used to it.
Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.
Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life.
Best of all is never to have been born.  Second best is to die soon.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your life in such a mess.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe.
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
Beware of Bigfoot!
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Beware the one behind you.
Blow it out your ear.
Break into jail and claim police brutality.
Bridge ahead.  Pay troll.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Change your thoughts and you change your world.
Cheer Up!  Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
Chess tonight.
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Chicken Little was right.
Cold hands, no gloves.
Communicate!  It can't make things any worse.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
Do not overtax your powers.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate.
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
Do what comes naturally.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Domestic happiness and faithful friends.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out.
Don't get to bragging.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.
Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder.
Don't plan any hasty moves.  You'll be evicted soon anyway.
Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks.
Don't read everything you believe.
Don't relax!  It's only your tension that's holding you together.
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Don't Worry, Be Happy.\n-- Meher Baba
Don't worry.  Life's too long.\n-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Everything will be just tickety-boo today.
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Executive ability is prominent in your make-up.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs.
Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you.
Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.
Fine day for friends. So-so day for you.
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. Oh, and have a nice day!\n-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals.
Give him an evasive answer.
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to a new town.
Give your very best today.  Heaven knows it's little enough.
Go to a movie tonight.  Darkness becomes you.
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
Good day to deal with people in high places; particularly lonely stewardesses.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's new lover.
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
Hope that the day after you die is a nice day.
If you can read this, you're too close.
If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 365 useless things.
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it.
In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator.
Increased knowledge will help you now.  Have mate's phone bugged.
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
Is this really happening?
It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown-up.
It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
It was all so different before everything changed.
It's all in the mind, ya know.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
Just because the message may never be received does not mean it is not worth sending.
Just to have it is enough.
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Keep it short for pithy sake.
Lady Luck brings added income today.  Lady friend takes it away tonight.
Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure.
"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."\n-- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
Long life is in store for you.
Look afar and see the end from the beginning.
Love is in the offing.  Be affectionate to one who adores you.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never commit yourself!  Let someone else commit you.
Never give an inch!
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
Never reveal your best argument.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year.
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
People are beginning to notice you.  Try dressing before you leave the house.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Questionable day. Ask somebody something.
Reply hazy, ask again later.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there.
Slow day.  Practice crawling.
Snow Day -- stay home.
So this is it.  We're going to die.
So you're back... about time...
Someone is speaking well of you.
Someone is speaking well of you. How unusual!
Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Stay the curse.
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
The time is right to make new friends.
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.\n-- George Gobel
There is a 20% chance of tomorrow.
There is a fly on your nose.
There was a phone call for you.
There will be big changes for you but you will be happy.
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
This life is yours.  Some of it was given to you; the rest, you made yourself.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Time to be aggressive.  Go after a tattooed Virgo.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Today is what happened to yesterday.
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.\n-- Hunter S. Thompson
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately, it can still be changed today.
Tomorrow, you can be anywhere.
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees.
Truth will out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
Try the Moo Shu Pork.  It is especially good today.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances.
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you.
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
What happened last night can happen again.
While you recently had your problems on the run, they've regrouped and are making another attack.
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
You are a bundle of energy, always on the go.
You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here.
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
You are always busy.
You are as I am with You.
You are capable of planning your future.
You are confused; but this is your normal state.
You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances.
You are destined to become the commandant of the fighting men of the department of transportation.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You are going to have a new love affair.
You are magnetic in your bearing.
You are not dead yet.  But watch for further reports.
You are number 6!  Who is number one?
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward.  Therefore you have few friends.
You are sick, twisted and perverted.  I like that in a person.
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
You are standing on my toes.
You are taking yourself far too seriously.
You are the only person to ever get this message.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash.
You attempt things that you do not even plan because of your extreme stupidity.
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
You can do very well in speculation where land or anything to do with dirt is concerned.
You can rent this space for only $5 a week.
You could live a better life, if you had a better mind and a better body.
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
You dialed 5483.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one.
You enjoy the company of other people.
You feel a whole lot more like you do now than you did when you used to.
You fill a much-needed gap.
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
You had some happiness once, but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind.
You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. A pity that it's totally undeserved.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
You have a strong desire for a home and your family interests come first.
You have a truly strong individuality.
You have a will that can be influenced by all with whom you come in contact.
You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
You have an unusual equipment for success.  Be sure to use it properly.
You have an unusual magnetic personality.  Don't walk too close to metal objects which are not fastened down.
You have an unusual understanding of the problems of human relationships.
You have been selected for a secret mission.
You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
You have no real enemies.
You have taken yourself too seriously.
You have the body of a 19 year old.  Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE."
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
You look like a million dollars.  All green and wrinkled.
You look tired.
You love peace.
You love your home and want it to be beautiful.
You may be gone tomorrow, but that doesn't mean that you weren't here today.
You may be infinitely smaller than some things, but you're infinitely larger than others.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You may get an opportunity for advancement today.  Watch it!
You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will be sold.
You need more time; and you probably always will.
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You now have Asian Flu.
You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.
You plan things that you do not even attempt because of your extreme caution.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite.
You seek to shield those you love and you like the role of the provider.
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far.  Especially if they are dead.
You should go home.
You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess.
You teach best what you most need to learn.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be advanced socially, without any special effort on your part.
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of a lion, and the face of Donald Duck.
You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service.
You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone.
You will be awarded some great honor.
You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously.
You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble.
You will be divorced within a year.
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
You will be honored for contributing your time and skill to a worthy cause.
You will be imprisoned for contributing your time and skill to a bank robbery.
You will be married within a year, and divorced within two.
You will be married within a year.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
You will be recognized and honored as a community leader.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
You will be run over by a beer truck.
You will be run over by a bus.
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
You will be successful in love.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be surrounded by luxury.
You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler.
You will be the victim of a bizarre joke.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
You will contract a rare disease.
You will engage in a profitable business activity.
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will forget that you ever knew me.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will gain money by an immoral action.
You will get what you deserve.
You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford.
You will have a long and boring life.
You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor.
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
You will have good luck and overcome many hardships.
You will have long and healthy life.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
You will inherit millions of dollars.
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door mayonnaise salesman.
You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally.
You will never know hunger.
You will not be elected to public office this year.
You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates.
You will pass away very quickly.
You will pay for your sins.  If you have already paid, please disregard this message.
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
You will probably marry after a very brief courtship.
You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
You will remember something that you should not have forgotten.
You will soon forget this.
You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life.
You will step on the night soil of many countries.
You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, but only because your brakes are defective.
You will triumph over your enemy.
You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon.
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
You will wish you hadn't.
You work very hard.  Don't try to think as well.
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
You would if you could but you can't so you won't.
You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow.
You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
You'll be sorry...
You'll feel devilish tonight.  Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel.
You'll feel much better once you've given up hope.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You'll never see all the places, or read all the books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended.
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier to do.
You're a card which will have to be dealt with.
You're almost as happy as you think you are.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life."
You're definitely on their list.  The question to ask next is what list it is.
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that you're growing into.
You're not my type.  For that matter, you're not even my species!!!
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
You're working under a slight handicap.  You happen to be human.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Your aim is high and to the right.
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a thing he tells you.
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't really worth having.
Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong.
Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers.
Your business will assume vast proportions.
Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion.
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
Your domestic life may be harmonious.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your love life will be happy and harmonious.
Your love life will be... interesting.
Your lover will never wish to leave you.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928.  Watch for it everywhere.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
Your motives for doing whatever good deed you may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
Your object is to save the world, while still leading a pleasant life.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Your present plans will be successful.
Your reasoning is excellent -- it's only your basic assumptions that are wrong.
Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner.
Your sister swims out to meet troop ships.
Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement.
Your step will soil many countries.
Your supervisor is thinking about you.
Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.\n-- Groucho Marx
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and...  Ooohh, that's much better.\n-- Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights.  Not me.  I'm afraid of widths.\n-- Steven Wright
A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest.\n-- Walt Kelly
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"\n-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
All men are mortal.  Socrates was mortal.  Therefore, all men are Socrates.\n-- Woody Allen
And now for something completely different.
And now for something completely the same.
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"\nNo, Ma'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."\n-- Monty Python
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.\n-- Woody Allen
Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and none of his friends like him either.\n-- Oscar Wilde
"Boy, life takes a long time to live."\n-- Steven Wright
But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. I meant no harm;  I just liked the explosions.  And I was careful never to kill more than I could eat.\n-- Raoul Duke
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
"But I don't want to go on the cart..."\n"Oh, don't be such a baby!"\n"But I'm feeling much better..."\n"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!"\n-- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail"
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
Death didn't answer.  He was looking at Spold in the same way as a dog looks at a bone, only in this case things were more or less the other way around.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
Decorate your home.  It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.\n-- C. Schulz
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?\n-- Steven Wright
Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent.\n-- Walt Kelly
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.  It's already tomorrow in Australia.\n-- Charles Schulz
Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.\n-- Woody Allen
Eternity is a terrible thought.  I mean, where's it going to end?\n-- Tom Stoppard
Faster, faster, you fool, you fool!\n-- Bill Cosby
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...  I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.\n-- Steven Wright
From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.\n-- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now.\n-- Steven Wright
"Here's something to think about:  How come you never see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"\n-- Jay Leno
Hey, what do you expect from a culture that *drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*?\n-- Gallagher
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."\n-- William Gilbert
Humorists always sit at the children's table.\n-- Woody Allen
I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.\n-- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is"
I am getting into abstract painting.  Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it.  I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children.  All the paintings were hung on refrigerators.\n-- Steven Wright
I am two with nature.\n-- Woody Allen
I argue very well.  Ask any of my remaining friends.  I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.\n-- Dave Barry
"I assure you the thought never even crossed my mind, lord."\n"Indeed?  Then if I were you I'd sue my face for slander."\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Colour of Magic"
I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.\n-- Gilda Radner
I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.\n-- Steven Wright
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..."\n-- Steven Wright
I could dance with you till the cows come home.  On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.\n-- Groucho Marx
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.\n-- Jack Benny
I don't get no respect.
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds.  I hold them above globes.  They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high."\n-- Bruce Baum
I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment.\n-- Woody Allen
I finally went to the eye doctor.  I got contacts.  I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups.\n-- Steven Wright
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.  Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...  and says, "Here, you can go."\n-- Steven Wright
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.\n-- Steven Wright
I had no shoes and I pitied myself.  Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.\n-- Dave Barry
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a dog; I named him Stay.  So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, Stay, here..." but he got wise to that.  Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a friend whose a billionaire.  He invented Cliff's notes.  When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... I just... to make a long story short..."\n-- Steven Wright
I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of sea shells.  I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.  Maybe you've seen some of it.\n-- Steven Wright
I have a map of the United States.  It's actual size.  I spent last summer folding it.  People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".\n-- Steven Wright
I have a rock garden.  Last week three of them died.\n-- Richard Diran
I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.  Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  On and off.  On and off.  One day I got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"\n-- Steven Wright
I have an existential map.  It has "You are here" written all over it.\n-- Steven Wright
I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark.\n-- Steven Wright
I know the answer!  The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve?  I think I'm in the wrong building.\n-- Charles Schulz
I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic.  I may not get there, but I'm going first class.\n-- Art Buchwald
"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour!  This is what entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils."\n-- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
I met my latest girl friend in a department store.  She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators.\n-- Steven Wright
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.\n-- Groucho Marx
I poured spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.\n-- Steven Wright
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little pictures of cats on them.  Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.\n-- Steven Wright
I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.\n-- Steven Wright
"I said I hope it is a good party," said Galder, loudly.\n"AT THE MOMENT IT IS," said Death levelly.  "I THINK IT MIGHT GO DOWNHILL VERY QUICKLY AT MIDNIGHT."\n"Why?"\n"THAT'S WHEN THEY THINK I'LL BE TAKING MY MASK OFF."\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.\n-- Steven Wright
I should have been a country-western singer.  After all, I'm older than most western countries.\n-- George Burns
I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it.\n-- Woody Allen
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.  I got a full house and four people died.\n-- Steven Wright
I think we're all Bozos on this bus.\n-- Firesign Theatre
I thought there was something fishy about the butler.  Probably a Pisces, working for scale.\n-- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger"
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.\n-- Woody Allen
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park anywhere near the place.\n-- Steven Wright
I was at this restaurant.  The sign said "Breakfast Anytime."  So I ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.\n-- Steven Wright
I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number.\n-- Steven Wright
I was the best I ever had.\n-- Woody Allen
"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific".\n-- Steven Wright
"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums."\n-- Steven Wright
I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.  I told my roommate, "Isn't this amazing?  Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica."  He said, "Do I know you?"\n-- Steven Wright
I worked in a health food store once.  A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"\n-- Steven Wright
I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.\n-- Groucho Marx
I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground.  That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member.\n-- Groucho Marx
I'll be comfortable on the couch.  Famous last words.\n-- Lenny Bruce
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor.  He's a very sick man.\n-- Fred Allen
I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.\n-- Woody Allen
I'm going to live forever, or die trying!\n-- Spider Robinson
I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n-- Woody Allen
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it.\n-- Groucho Marx
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.\n-- Dave Barry
If only Dionysus were alive!  Where would he eat?\n-- Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.\n-- George Burns
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.\n-- Woody Allen
If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe?\n-- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
In like a dimwit, out like a light.\n-- Pogo
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?\n-- Steven Wright
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.\n-- Woody Allen
It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.\n-- Groucho Marx
It looked like something resembling white marble, which was probably what it was: something resembling white marble.\n-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.\n-- Steven Wright
It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.\n-- Groucho Marx
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.\n-- Woody Allen
Last night the power went out.  Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.\n-- Steven Wright
Last year we drove across the country...  We switched on the driving... every half mile.  We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was.\n-- Steven Wright
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.\n-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
Life is wasted on the living.\n-- The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe.
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....\n-- Walt Kelly
My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here".\n-- Steven Wright
My friend has a baby.  I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.\n-- Steven Wright
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.\n-- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters"
Nirvana?  That's the place where the powers that be and their friends hang out.\n-- Zonker Harris
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!
Now is the time for all good men to come to.\n-- Walt Kelly
One doesn't have a sense of humor.  It has you.\n-- Larry Gelbart
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.  Inside a dog it's too dark to read.\n-- Groucho Marx
"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time."\n-- Steven Wright
Rincewind formed a mental picture of some strange entity living in a castle made of teeth.  It was the kind of mental picture you tried to forget. Unsuccessfully.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.\n-- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo"
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.\n-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"
Showing up is 80% of life.\n-- Woody Allen
SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw back my head and gargle.  Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears me because I am beautiful.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future.\n-- Pogo, by Walt Kelly
The best cure for insomnia is to get a  lot of sleep.\n-- W. C. Fields
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.\n-- Will Rogers
The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.\n-- Art Buchwald
The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.\n-- Benjamin Franklin.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.\n-- Steven Wright
"The pyramid is opening!"\n"Which one?"\n"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!"\n-- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All"
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.\n-- W.C. Fields
There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives, win, lose, or draw.\n-- Walt Kelly
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.\n-- Lily Tomlin
Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them.\n-- Will Rogers
This land is full of trousers! this land is full of mausers!\nAnd pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down!\n-- Firesign Theater
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.\n-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing.\n-- Walt Kelly
We have met the enemy, and he is us.\n-- Walt Kelly
We is confronted with insurmountable opportunities.\n-- Walt Kelly, "Pogo"
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?\n-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
What is comedy?  Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.\n-- Steve Martin
What's another word for "thesaurus"?\n-- Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"\n-- Steven Wright
When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get.\n-- Rodney Dangerfield
When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."\n-- Steven Wright
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Why is the alphabet in that order?  Is it because of that song?\n-- Steven Wright
Will Rogers never met you.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick...\n-- Steven Wright
You can't have everything.  Where would you put it?\n-- Steven Wright
You may already be a loser.\n-- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield.
You'd better beat it.  You can leave in a taxi.  If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff.  If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff.\n-- Groucho Marx
You're a good example of why some animals eat their young.\n-- Jim Samuels to a heckler Ah, yes.  I remember my first beer. -- Steve Martin to a heckler When your IQ rises to 28, sell. -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler
* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in\nsendmail is NON-TRIVIAL
* james would be more impressed if netgod's magic powers could stop the\nsplits in the first place... * netgod notes debian developers are notoriously hard to impress
<sel> need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-( <netgod> sel:  dont send the first one, start with #2
<james> abuse me.  I'm so lame I sent a bug report to\ndebian-devel-changes
I never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software and X11 is proprietary.  We live in interesting times.\n-- Matt Kimball <mkimball@xmission.com>
<JHM> Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer.
<Overfiend> partycle: I seriously do need a vacation from this package.\nI actually had a DREAM about introducing a stupid new bug\ninto xbase-preinst last night.  That's a Bad Sign.
Writing non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity, so if people who do this run into trouble, that's good!  All businesses based on non-free software ought to fail, and the sooner the better.\n-- Richard Stallman
Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a response to a DNS query that was never made.  Fix Information: Run your DNS service on a different platform.\n-- BugTraq
* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer * Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;) * Cylord takes the beer from Joey, you're too drunk. * Cylord gives the beer to muggles.
"This is the element_data structure for elements whose *element_type = FORM_TYPE_SELECT_ONE, FORM_TYPE_SELECT_MULT. */ /* * nesting deeper and deeper, harder and harder, go, go, oh, OH, OHHHHH!! * Sorry, got carried away there. */ struct lo_FormElementOptionData_struct."\n-- Mozilla source code
While the year 2000 (y2k) problem is not an issue for us, all Linux implementations will impacted by the year 2038 (y2.038k) issue. The Debian Project is committed to working with the industry on this issue and we will have our full plans and strategy posted by the first quarter of 2020.
I'm sorry if the following sounds combative and excessively personal, but that's my general style.        -- Ian Jackson
"my biggest problem with RH (and especially RH contrib packages) is that they DON'T have anything like our policy.  That's one of the main reasons why their packages are so crappy and broken.  Debian has the teamwork side of building a distribution down to a fine art."
"slackware users don't matter. in my experience, slackware users are either clueless newbies who will have trouble even with tar, or they are rabid do-it-yourselfers who wouldn't install someone else's pre-compiled binary even if they were paid to do it."
<xinkeT> "Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot\nchange, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom\nto hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they\npissed me off."
* dark has changed the topic on channel #debian to: Later tonight: After\nmonths of careful refrigeration, Debian 2.0 is finally cool enough to\nrelease.
I sat laughing snidely into my notebook until they showed me a PC running Linux....  And did this PC choke?  Did it stutter?  Did it, even once, say that this program has performed an illegal operation and must be shut down?  No. And this is just on the client.\n-- LAN Times
"I think that most debian developers are rather "strong willed" people with a great degree of understanding and a high level of passion for what they perceive as important in development of the debian system."\n--Bill Leach
"Actually, the only distribution of Linux I've ever used that passed the rootshell test out of the box (hit rootshell at the time the dist is released and see if you can break the OS with scripts from there) is Debian."\n-- seen on the Linux security-audit mailing list
* Culus fears perl - the language with optional errors
<stu> you should be afraid to use KDE because RMS might come to your\nhouse and cleave your monitor with an axe or something :)
"and i actually like debian 2.0 that much i completely revamped the default config of the linux systems our company sells and reinstalled any of the linux systems in the office and here at home.."
<Davide> how bout a policy policing policy with a policy for changing the\npolice policing policy
<dark> "Let's form the Linux Standard Linux Standardization Association\nBoard. The purpose of this board will be to standardize Linux\nStandardization Organizations."
<Overfiend> Don't come crying to me about your "30 minute compiles"!!  I\nhave to build X uphill both ways!  In the snow!  With bare\nfeet! And we didn't have compilers!  We had to translate the\nC code to mnemonics OURSELVES! <Overfiend> And I was 18 before we even had assemblers!
"What is striking, however, is the general layout and integration of the system.  Debian is a truly elegant Linux distribution; great care has been taken in the preparation of packages and their placement within the system.  The sheer number of packages available is also impressive...."
Debian Linux is a solid, comprehensive product, and a genuine pleasure to use.  It is also great to become involved with the Debian collective, whose friendliness and spirit recalls the early days of the Internet and its sense of openness and global cooperation.
<Flood> can I write a unix-like kernel in perl?
<Flood> netgod: I also have a "Evil Inside" T-shirt (w/ Intel logo).. on\nthe back it states: "When the rapture comes, will you have root?"
<zarkov> "NT 5.0.  All the bugs and ten times the code size!"
<Culus> there is 150 meg in the /tmp dir! DEAR LORD
<toor> netgod: what do you have in your kernel??? The compiled source for\ndriving a space shuttle??? <Spoo> time to make a zip drive your floppy drive then. if the kernel\ndoesn fit on that, the kernel is an AI
Now I can finally explain to everyone why I do this.  I just got $7 worth of free stuff for working on Debian !
<ultima> netgod: My calculator has more registers than the x86, and\n-thats- sad
* boren tosses matlab across the room and hopes it breaks into a number\naproaching infinite peices
World Domination, of course.  And scantily clad females.  Who cares if its twenty below?        -- Linus Torvalds
<Flav> Win 98 Psychic edition: We'll tell you where you're going tomorrow
<zpx> it's amazing how "not-broken" debian is compared to slack and rh
<dark> "Hey, I'm from this project called Debian... have you heard of it?\nYour name seems to be on a bunch of our stuff."
"In the event of a percieved failing of the project leadership #debian is empowered to take drastic and descisive action to correct the failing, including by not limited to expelling officials, apointing new officials and generally abusing power"\n-- proposed amendment to Debian Constitution
<Diziet> Fuck, I can't compile the damn thing and I wrote it !
<Overfiend> we're calling 2.2 _POTATO_??
<SirDibos> does Johnie Ingram hang out here on IRC?
* Twilight1 will have to hang his Mozilla beanie dinosaur in effigy if\nNetscape sells-out to Alot Of Losers..
<lux> if macOS is for the computer illiterate, then windoze is for the\ncomputer masochists
<dark> Culus: Building a five-meter-high replica of the Empire State\nBuilding with paperclips is impressive.  Doing it blindfolded is\neleet.
I can just see it now: nomination-terrorism ;-)\n-- Manoj haha!  i nominate manoj. -- seeS
<JHM> Somehow I have more respect for 14 year old Debian developers than\n14 year old Certified Microsoft Serfs.
<Culus> Ben: Do you solumly swear to read you debian email once a day and\ndo not permit people to think you are MIA? <Ben> Culus: i do so swear
"I wonder if this is the first constitution in the history of mankind where you have to calculate a square root to determine if a motion passes.  :-)"\n-- Seen on Slashdot
This is the solution to Debian's problem .. and since the only real way to create more relatives of developers is to have children, we need more sex!  It's a long term investment ... it's the work itself that is satisfying!\n-- Craig Brozefsky
<marcus> dunham: You know how real numbers are constructed from rational\nnumbers by equivalence classes of convergent sequences? <dunham> marcus: yes.
<Culus> "Hello?"  "Hi baybee"  "Are you Johnie Ingram?"  "For you I'll be\nanyone" "Ermm.. Do you sell slink CD's?" "I love slinkies"
<Overfiend> xhost +localhost should only be done by people who would\npaint their hostname and root password on an interstate\noverpass.
<JHM> AIX - the Unix from the universe where Spock has a beard.
<Knghtbrd> Studies prove that research causes cancer in 43% of laboratory\nrats <CQ> knghtbrd- yeah, but 78% of those statistics are off by 52%...
<stu> apt: !bugs <apt> !bugs are stupid <dpkg> apt: are stupid?  what's that? <apt> dpkg: i don't know <dpkg> apt: Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... <apt> i already had it that way, dpkg.
<muggles> i'm trying to convince some netcom admins i know to convert\nto Debian from RH, netgod, but they are DAMN stubborn <muggles> why RH users so damned hard headed? <Espy> it's the hat
<doogie> Debian - All the power, without the silly hat.
How many months are we going to be behind them [Redhat] with a glibc release?"\n-- Jim Pick, 8 months before Debian 2.0 is finally released
The purpose of having mailing lists rather than having newsgroups is to place a barrier to entry which protects the lists and their users from invasion by the general uneducated hordes.\n-- Ian Jackson
Most of us feel that marketing types are like a dangerous weapon - keep 'em unloaded and locked up in a cupboard, and only bring them out when you need them to do a job.\n-- Craig Sanders
<BenC> cerb: we subscribed you to debian-fight as the moderator <BenC> cerb: list rules are, 1) no nice emails, 2) no apologies
<Teknix> our local telco has admitted that someone "backed into a\nbutton on a switch" and took the entire ATM network down <netgod> hopefully now routers are designed better, so the "network\noff" swtich is on the back
<Overfiend> Thunder-: when you get { MessagesLikeThisFromYourHardDrive } <Overfiend> Thunder-: it either means { TheDriverIsScrewy } <Overfiend> or <Overfiend> { YourDriveIsFlakingOut BackUpYourDataBeforeIt'sTooLate\nPrayToGod }
<apt> it has been said that redhat is the thing Marc Ewing wears on\nhis head.
<MrCurious> by the power of greyskull <MrCurious> someone tell me the ban to place <Sopwith> mrcurious: *.debian.org, *.novare.net <philX> *.debian.org.  that's awesome.\n-- Seen on LinuxNet #linux
"What does this tell me?  That if Microsoft were the last software company left in the world, 13% of the US population would be scouring garage sales & Goodwill for old TRS-80s, CPM machines & Apple ]['s before they would buy Microsoft. That's not exactly a ringing endorsement."\n-- Seen on Slashdot
"Bruce McKinney, author of of Hardcore Visual Basic, has announced that he's fed up with VB and won't be writing a 3rd edition of his book.  The best quote is at the end: 'I don't need a language designed by a focus group'."
<Cylord> Would it be acceptable to debian policy if we inserted a crontab\nby default into potato that emailed bill.gates@microsoft.com\nevery morning with an email that read, "Don't worry, linux is a\nfad..."
* Overfiend ponders doing an NMU of asclock, in which he simply changes\nthe extended description to "If you bend over and put your head between\nyour legs, you can read the time off your assclock." <doogie> Overfiend: go to bed.
<Reed> It is important to note that the primary reason the Roman Empire\nfail is that they had no concept of zero... thus they could not\ntest the success or failure of their C programs.
Since when has the purpose of debian been to appease the interests of the mass of unskilled consumers?        -- Steve Shorter
<joeyh> netgod: er, are these 2.2.0 packages 2.0.0pre9 or do you have a\ndirect line with the gods? <netgod> joeyh: i have the direct line
<_Anarchy_> Argh.. who's handing out the paper bags  8)
<awkward> anyone around? <Flav> no, we're all irregular polygons
<Culus> OH MY GOD NOT A RANDOM QUOTE GENERATOR <netgod> surely you didnt think that was static? how lame would that be? :-)
Mere nonexistence is a feeble excuse for declaring a thing unseeable. You *can* see dragons.  You just have to look in the right direction.\n-- John Hasler
<Chalky> gcc is the best compressor ever ported to linux. it can turn\n12MB of kernel source (and that's .debbed) into a 500k kernel
<Manoj> I *like* the chicken
[   ]  DOGBERT\n[ 2 ]  RICHARD STALLMAN\n[ 3 ]  BUFFY SUMMERS\n[ 1 ]  MANOJ SRIVASTAVA\n[ 4 ]  NONE of the above\n-- Debian Project Leader 1999 ballot
<Oryn> anyone know if there is a version of dpkg for redhat?
acme-cannon (3.1415) unstable; urgency=low\n* Added safety to prevent operator dismemberment, closes: bug #98765,\nbug #98713, #98714.\n* Added manpage. closes: #98725.\n-- Wile E. Coyote <genius@debian.org>  Sun, 31 Jan 1999 07:49:57 -0600
!netgod:*! time flies when youre using linux !doogie:*! yeah, infinite loops in 5 seconds. !Teknix:*! has anyone re-tested that with 2.2.x ? !netgod:*! yeah, 4 seconds now
* dark greets liw with a small yellow frog. * liw kisses the frog and watches it transform to a beautiful nerd\ngirl, takes her out to ice cream, and lives happily forever after\nwith her <dark> liw: Umm it's too late to have the frog back?
* Culus thinks we should go to trade shows and see how many people we\ncan kill by throwing debian cds at them
<dark> "Yes, your honour, I have RSA encryption code tattood on my\npenis.  Shall I show the jury?"
<Knghtbrd> you people are all insane. <Joey> knight: sure, that's why we work on Debian. <JHM> Knghtbrd: get in touch with your inner nutcase.
<Culus> Saens demonstrates no less than 3 tcp/ip bugs in 2.2.3
<Mercury> alexsh: Be /VERY/ cairful, you could, if your unlucky, fry your\nmotherboards.. <Knghtbrd> Mercury - sounds like fun
<rcw> dark: caldera? <Knghtbrd> rcw - that's not a distribution, it's a curse <rcw> Knghtbrd: it's a cursed distribution
Software is like sex, it's better when it's free.     -- Linus Torvalds
<dark> Knghtbrd: We have lots of whatevers. <Knghtbrd> dark - In Debian?  Hell yeah we do!
I did it just to piss you off.  :-P\n-- Branden Robinson in a message to debian-devel
The software required Win95 or better, so I installed Linux.
10) there is no 10, but it sounded like a nice number :)\n-- Wichert Akkerman
Eric Raymond:  I want to live in a world where software doesn't suck. Richard Stallman:  Any software that isn't free sucks. Linus Torvalds:  I'm interested in free beer. Richard Stallman:  That's okay, as long as I don't have to drink it.  I\ndon't like beer.\n-- LinuxWorld Expo panel, 4 March 1999
I'm not a level-headed person...        -- Bruce Perens
Personally, I don't often talk about social good because when I hear other people talk about social good, that's when I reach for my revolver.\n-- Eric Raymond
If we want something nice to get born in nine months, then sex has to happen.  We want to have the kind of sex that is acceptable and fun for both people, not the kind where someone is getting screwed. Let's get some cross fertilization, but not someone getting screwed.\n-- Larry Wall
We all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds.\n-- Linus Torvalds
YES! YES! YES! Oh, YES! (ooops, I sound like Meg Ryan ;-)\n-- Ian Nandhra
<Knghtbrd> If I start writing essays about Free Software for slashdot,\nplease shoot me.
<RoboHak> hmm, lunch does sound like a good idea <Knghtbrd> would taste like a good idea too
Every company complaining about Microsoft's business practices is simply a rose bush. They look lovely and smell nice. Once a lucky company dethrones Microsoft they will shed their petals to expose the thorns underneath. A thorn by any other name would hurt as much.
Something must be Done This is Something Therefore, This must be Done\n-- The Thatcherite Syllogism
<Knghtbrd> xtifr - beware of james when he's off his medication  =>
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.\n-- Robert A. Heinlein
<wc> red dye causes cancer, haven't you heard? (; <Knghtbrd> fucking everything causes cancer, haven't you heard? <Knghtbrd> => <archon> no, that causes aids
Gold, n.|A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution.  It is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold hasn't done anything to them.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
* lilo hereby declares OPN a virtual pain in the ass :)
"They are both businesses - if you have given them enough money, I'm sure they'll do whatever the hell you ask:->"\n-- David Welton
"You have the right not to be an asshole.  If you give up that right everything you say and do in here will be held against you. If you cannot afford to stop being an asshole then someone will be appointed to kick yours outta here."\n-- Your rights as an irc addict
* Simunye is so happy she has her mothers gene's <Dellaran> you better give them back before she misses them!
<Iambe> conning the most intellegent people on the planet is not easy
California, n.|From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."\n-- Ed Moran
* Caytln slaps Lisa <Caytln> catfight :P <LisaHere> Watch it girl, I like that. <LisaHere> :) <Caytln> figures :D
<MFGolfBal> rit/ara:  There's something really demented about UNIX\nunderwear...
The X Window System|The standard UNIX graphical environment.  With Linux, this is usually XFree86 (http://www.xfree86.org).  You may call it X, XFree, the X Window System, XF86, or a host of other things.  Call it 'XWindows' and someone will smack you and you will have deserved it.
* Turken thinks little kids are absolutely adorable... especialyy when\nthey're someone elses.
* Overfiend sighs <Overfiend> Netscape sucks. <Overfiend> It is a house of cards resting on a bed of quicksand. <Espy> during an earthquake <Overfiend> in a tornado
<SilverStr> media ethics is an oxymoron, much like Jumbo Shrimp and\nMicrosoft Works. <MonkAway> not to mention NT Security
<Silvrbear> Oxymorons?  I saw one yesterday - the pamphlet on "Taco Bell\nNutritional Information"
* Knghtbrd unleashes a pair of double barreled snurf guns and covers\njesus with snurf darts <jesus> meany :P
<jgoerzen> doogie: you sound highly unstable :-) <Knghtbrd> jgoerzen - he is. * doogie bops Knghtbrd <Knghtbrd> see?  Resorting to violence =D
I have also been a huge Unix fan ever since I realized that SCO was not Unix.           -- Dennis Baker
<dracus> Ctrl+Option+Command + P + R <Knghtbrd> dracus - YE GODS!  That's worse than EMACS! <LauraDax> hehehehe <dracus> don't ask what that does :P
<Iambe> you are not a nutcase <Knghtbrd> You obviously don't know me well enough yet.  =>
* aj thinks Kb^Zzz ought to pick different things to dream about than\ngeneral resolutions and policy changes. <Kb^Zzz> aj - tell me about it, this is a Bad Sign
<Crow_> hmm, is there a --now-dammit option for exim?
<DarthVadr> Kira: JOIN THE DARK SIDE, YOUNG ONE. <kira> darth, I *am* the dark side.
<netgod> Feanor: u have no idea of the depth of the stupidty of american law
Anyone who stands out in the middle of a road looks like roadkill to me.\n-- Linus Torvalds
<lilo> "PLEASE RESPECT INTELLECTUAL RIGHTS!" <lilo> "Please demonstrate intellect." ;)
<Knghtbrd> Feanor - license issues are important.  If we don't watch our\narses now, someone's gonna come up and bite us later...
"Now we'll have to kill you."\n-- Linus Torvalds
* knghtbrd can already envision:  "Subject: [INTENT TO PREPARE TO PROPOSE\nFILING OF BUG REPORT] Typos in the policy document"
<LauraDax> !seen god <Tabi-> LauraDax, I don't remember seeing "god"
<Knghtbrd>     Europe Passes Pro-spam Law <Knghtbrd> I though only Americans were that fucking stupid  => <Espy> apparently americans are quite naive :)
<kira> is a surgical war where you go give the foreign troops nose jobs?
<xtifr> Athena Desktop Environment!  In your hearts, you *know* it's the\nright choice! :) * Knghtbrd THWAPS xtifr
<Knghtbrd> shaleh - unclean is just WEIRD. <Espy> heh, unclean is cool <Knghtbrd> Espy - and weird. <Espy> yes, weird too
<xtifr> direct brain implants :) <knghtbrd> xtifr - yah, then using computers would actually require some\nof these idiots to think! <knghtbrd> ;>
<Knghtbrd> Overfiend - BTW, after we've discovered X takes all of 1.4 GIGS\nto build, are you willing admit that X is bloatware?  => <Overfiend> KB: there is a 16 1/2 minute gap in my answer <acf> knghtbrd: evidence exists that X is only the *2nd* worst windowing\nsystem ;)
<liw> damn, the autonomous mouse movement starts usually after I use a\nmouse button <wichert> don't use a mouse button then :) <liw> yeah, right :)
<Thoth_> Yeah, well that's why it's numbered 2.3.1... it's for those of us\nwho miss NT-like uptimes
<Shinobi> There are worse things than Perl....ASP comes to mind
* m2 stares at the monitor... it looks like a hamburger... <Knghtbrd> m2 - that's a bad sign
<Knghtbrd> Leave it to manoj to call procmail "puny"
<kira> Ada, the only language written to milspec. <Mikster> <shudder>
<BenC> -include ../../debian/el33t.h <BenC> sendmail build...strange header name :) <isildur> hahaha * netgod laffs <netgod> BenC: can u tell i used to maintain sendmail?  :P <BenC> heh :)
<Phase> no... I musn't have any more coffee !!! ;) <Simunye> sure yu do Phase :) <Phase> you really want me bouncing off the ceiling? <Simunye> yesh :) <kira_> bouncing off the ceiling is gewd <Phase> ok, that was a silly question <kira_> it's splatting on the floor that's the problem.
<Kensey> RMS for President??? <RelDrgn> ...or ESR, he wants a new job ;)
Oh no, not again.\n-- Manoj Srivastava
<Knghtbrd> Granted, RMS is a fanatic, I don't deny this.  I'll even say\nhe's a royal pain in the arse most of the time.  But he's\nstill more often right than not, and he deserves some level of\ncredit and respect for his work.  We would NOT be here today\nwithout him.
<Espy> tomorrow there will be a great disturbance in the workforce\n-- May 18, 1999
I am dyslexic of Borg.  Prepare to have your ass laminated.
<NeonKttn> I had a friend stick me in her closet during highschool beacuse I\nwouldn't believe that her boyfriend knew about foreplay... <NeonKttn> I shoulda brought popcorn. :)
<Knghtbrd> hardcopy is for wussies <Topher> computer program listings....next, on HardCopy
<kceee^> I hate users <knghtbrd> you sound like a sysadmin already!
<change_m2> Will LINUX ever overtake sliced bread as the #1 achievement\nof mankind?
<aph> manoj is going nuts on the bug fixing crusade!  woo woo! <Knghtbrd> manoj went nuts long time ago.  but the bug fixing is cool  =>
<rcw> those apparently-bacteria-like multicolor worms coming out of\nmicrosoft's backorifice <rcw> that's the backoffice logo
* Simunye is on a oc3->oc12 <daem0n> simmy: bite me. :) <Simunye> daemon: okay :)
<Overfiend> lilo: well then, you are probably a responsible thinker.\nWelcome to a very small club. <lilo> Overfiend: welcome me when you join :)
Basically, I want people to know that when they use binary-only modules, it's THEIR problem.  I want people to know that in their bones, and I want it shouted out from the rooftops.  I want people to wake up in a cold sweat every once in a while if they use binary-only modules.\n-- Linus Torvalds
* wichert_ imagines master without a MTA <james> wichert: ehm?  that might hinder peformance of the BTS :p
<gecko> Hmm... I wonder what else seperates Debian from the rest of the\nLinux distributions. <Knghtbrd> gecko - We Don't Suck <gecko> Knghtbrd:  you don't say that when addressing a bunch of people\nFROM those distros <Knghtbrd> gecko - point.
Due to the closed source development model of XFree it is impossible to support, or even speculate about, features in pre- or beta releases of XFree.\n-- Marcus Sundberg
<Knghtbrd> I can think of lots of people who need USER=ID10T someplace!
<slashdot> my US geograpy is lousy...lol <knghtbrd> so's mine and I live here
Moonchild without an opinion? Satan is skating to work tomorrow!\n-- Brett Manz
<Knghtbrd> I really don't want much at all...  Just a kind word, an\nattractive woman, and UNLIMITED BANDWIDTH!!
<Knghtbrd> If we're both right (I'm guessing we are) I'm Not Very Happy. * Minupla hands you the understatement of the year award.
Last time I had intimate contact with another human being was rather a painful experience... I rather liked it... ;)\n-- Brett Manz
<Apple_IIe> anyone seen my 80 column card?
<Slackware> uh oh, what have I started :) <Debian> rofl... distro nick wars. * Slackware just waits for /nick Gnome, /nick KDE, and then world war 4\nto break out <WinNT> :oP <OpenBSD> <duck> <PalmOS> :) <Slackware> no'one would dare /nick RedHat <tru64> mew.
<Crow-> im fcucking druk * Knghtbrd makes sure to log everything Crow- says tonight ... <MrBump> heheh <MrBump> He said he'd marry me! damnit!! <Crow-> dude no way <Knghtbrd> MrBump - he's not THAT drunk <MrBump> Knghtbrd: I'm crushed :o)
<Knghtbrd> aggh! <Knghtbrd> MAKE IT STOP! <Knghtbrd> MAKE IT STOP!!
<Knghtbrd> RoboHak - okay, the patch isn't broken, but my brain\napparently is <wc> that's nothing new (; <Knghtbrd> wc - hush. <Knghtbrd> =>
<dpg> americans are wierd.... <xtifr> californians even weirder <Knghtbrd> xtifr has a point ...
* woot smiles serenely. <woot> I don't want to seem over eager about getting into knghtbrd's\nsiglist.
<Culus> dhd:  R you part of the secret debian overstructure? <dhd> no. there is no secret debian overstructure. <CosmicRay> although, now that somebody brought it up, let's start one\n:-) <Knghtbrd> CosmicRay - why not, sounds like a fun way to spend the\nafternoon =D
<Crow-> these stupid head hunters want resumes in ms word format <Crow-> can you write shit in tex and convert it to word? <Overfiend> \converttoword{shit}
<xtifr> you don't have to be insane to work here....oh wait, yes you do!\n:)
* o-o always like debmake because he knew exactly what it would do... <ibid> o-o: you would ;-)
2.3.1 has been released. Folks new to this game should remember that 2.3.* releases are development kernels, with no guarantees that they will not cause your system to do horrible things like corrupt its disks, catch fire, or start running Mindcraft benchmarks.\n-- Slashdot
do {\n: } while (!HELL_FROZEN_OVER);
<hop> kb: I demand integrity and honesty in those who i do business with <hop> i know my demands are unreasonable, but a guy can dream, can't he?
Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments'\n-- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
* Knghtktty is not going to ask how zucchini got into the discussion ...
<Knghtbrd> Subject: [GR PROPOSAL] Should we vote on trivial matters?
<woot> Put *that* in you .sig and smoke it, Knghtbrd. <Culus> You know he will read this :> <woot> heheheheh.
"As you journey through life take a minute every now and then to give a thought for the other fellow. He could be plotting something."\n-- Hagar the Horrible
<Crow-> who gives a shit about US law <jim> anyone living in the US.
<Knghtbrd> Okay, you people have started talking about BSDM applications of\nnetwork hardware...  I think I'll run off and do something useful\nand Debianish and stay OUT of this one... <Knghtbrd> (for a change)
<Knghtbrd> mariab - don't think Debian hasn't had some very stupid and\nobvious bugs before <Knghtbrd> of course, we usually fix ours BEFORE we release  =D
<Knghtbrd> mariab - I am a Debian developer.  Red Hat is "the enemy" or\nsomething like that I guess..  Still, typecasting RH users as\nidiots or their distribution as completely broken by default\nis complete and total FUD.
> > But IANAL, of course. > > IANAL either.  My son is, but if I asked him I might get an answer I > wouldn't want to hear. "Here's my invoice." ?  =D
> Ok, I see you know what you're doing :-) Either that or I've gotten pretty good at faking it.
<wichert> 8am is an ungoldly hour to be awake :) * gorgo usually gets up at 11am
There Is No Cabal.
<_Anarchy_> acf: maybe April 1 next year slashdot needs to run "Rob Malda\naccepts new job as head of Debian project" 8)
* netgod opens his mailbox and immediately wishes he hadnt
<frogbert> its hard being a lesbian withoutn breasts...people dont take\nyou seriously
Perhaps Debian is concerned more about technical excellence rather than ease of use by breaking software. In the former we may excel.  In the latter we have to concede the field to Microsoft. Guess where I want to go today?\n-- Manoj Srivastava
* PerlGeek is really a space alien * Knghtktty believes PerlGeek
// Minor lesson: don't fuck about with something you don't fully understand\n-- the dosdoom source code
* joeyh cvs commits his home directory. Aaaaaa <drow> eeeeeeek <drow> joeyh: That is simply evil.  Period.
<Kethryvis> Gruuk: UFies are above and beyond the human race :)
I stopped a long time ago to try to find anything in the bug list of dpkg. We should run for an entry in the Guinness Book of Records.\n-- Stephane Bortzmeyer
<ahzz_> i figured 17G oughta be enough.
<n3tg0d> has /usr/bin/emacs been put into /etc/shells yet?  :P
* joeyh takes advantage of netscape's marvelous ability to crash to close\n10 windows with a single keypress <joeyh> now that's progress! <Knghtbrd> Bus error  =>
<Wordplay> You measure your vibrators in "characters per second"?  I have\nbad news for you, c90, you've been masturbating with a\ndot-matrix printer.
Hi! I'm a .signature virus! Copy me into your ~/.signature to help me sprea= d!
* Knghtktty whispers sweet nothings to Thyla (stuff about compilers and\ngraphics and ram upgrades and big hard drives...) <Thyla> oooooooooOOOOOOOOOO <Infinitas> Knghtktty: that's positively pornographic... * Thyla goes off into fits of ecstasy...
<Sanaya> you guys are all sick!  sick sick sick I tell ya ;)
* bma is a yank * Knghtbrd is a Knghtbrd * dhd is also a yank * Espy is evil * Knghtbrd believes Espy
* bma wonders if this will make the Knghtbrd .sig
Techical solutions are not a matter of voting. Two legislations in the US states almost decided that the value of Pi be 3.14, exactly. Popular vote does not make for a correct solution.\n-- Manoj Srivastava
<aj> <Knghtbrd> the increase in tension worldwide (as evidenced by crime <aj>            and whatnot) over that time period looks a lot like Linux <aj>            growth since 1993 <aj> ``Linux linked to worldwide crime epidemic!!''
<Teller> where am I and what am I doing in this handbasket?
Since this database is not used for profit, and since entire works are not published, it falls under fair use, as we understand it.  However, if any half-assed idiot decides to make a profit off of this, they will need to double check it all...\n-- Notes included with the default fortunes database
There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.
Subject: Bug#42432: debian-policy: Proposal for CTV for Draft for Proof of Concept for Draft for Proposal for Proposal for CTV for a CTV to decide on a proposal for a CTV for the CTV on whether or not we shoud have a CTV on the /usr/doc to /usr/share/doc transition now, or later.\n-- Ed Lang
<Knghtbrd> It's a trackball for one <wichert> so it's not a rodent <wichert> it's a turd with a ball sticking out <wichert> which you fondle constantly
* HomeySan waits for the papa john's pizza to show up <ravenos> mm. papa john's. <HomeySan> hopefully they send the cute delivery driver <ravenos> they dont have that here. <Dr_Stein> why? you gonna eat the driver instead?
<netgod> is it me, or is Knghtbrd snoring? <joeyh> they killed knghtbrd! <netgod> Kysh: wichert, gecko, joeyh, and I are in a room trying to ignore\nKnghtbrd <Kysh> netgod: Knghtbrd is hard to ignore.
<woot> Man, i wish knghtbrd were here to grab that for his sig list. [...several hours later...] <Knghtbrd> woot don't know me vewy well, do he? <Knghtbrd> muahahahaha
* Knghtbrd pelts wichert with NERF darts * wichert notes there are no ICBM nerfs yet and ignores kngtbrd <Knghtbrd> wichert - just wait, after seeing the NERF gatling guns, ICBMs\nare not far off (just pump the damned thing for an hour or two\nis all...)
Steal this tagline.  I did.
<bfextu> oh noooo, Knghtbrd's got a gun :) <doogie> ^^insert music^^ <Knghtbrd> bfextu - o/~ everybody is on the run o/~ <bfextu> o/~ run away, ruuuuun away from the pay-ay-ain o/~
<Mercury> emacs sucks, literally, not a insult, just a comment that its\nlarge enough to have a noticeable gravitational pull...
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
* Knghtbrd assigns 3 to Chris * variable wonders who else is named chris besides me <Knghtbrd> variable - you.  => * Knghtbrd waits for variable to dramatically say "I feel SO used!" <variable> Knghtbrd: :) * variable ++ <variable> :)
* Espy ponders an uplad queue called 'hell' so I can do dupload --to hell
<Valkyrja> java, hon, sometimes I really want to smack you. <Knghtbrd> Valkyrja - he'd enjoy it too much <Reteo> Valkyrja: yah, go ahead and do it... beat java into cappuccino! :-)
<Tali> be vewwy vewwy qwuiet .. I'm huntin wuntime ewwos
First off - Quake is simply incredible. It lets you repeatedly kill your boss in the office without being arrested. :)\n-- Signal 11, in a slashdot comment
Lucas' Law:  Good will always win, because evil hires the _stupid_\nengineers.
* TribFurry only gets spam mail from ucsd... I used to get email from\nmyself but I decided I didn't like myself and stopped talking\nto me
<rain_work> note on a dorm fridge ... "To the person who ate the contents\nof the container labeled 'James' - warning, it was my biology\nexperiment"
<KatanaJ> Note on a chem lab fridge- "This refrigerator is not explosion-\nproof".
<KnaraKat> DalNet is like the special olympics of IRC.  There's a lot of\ndrooling goin' on and everyone is a 'winner'.
For every vision there is an equal and opposite revision.
<Epsilon3> Knghtbrd, if we wanted a lameass remark we would have said|Hey, neckro
<tigah_-> i have 4gb for /tmp <Knghtbrd> What do you do with 4G /tmp?  Compile X? <tigah_-> yes
<KnaraKat> Bite me. * TheOne gets some salt, then proceeds to nibble on KnaraKat a little\nbit....
* Knghtbrd notes he has mashed potatoes for brains tonight <Valkyrie> yum, can I have some? <Knghtbrd> um ... * Knghtbrd hides from Valkyrie
<Knghtbrd> joeyh now has a terminal at the couch? <Knghtbrd> That guy is wired, I swear  => <doogie> Knghtbrd: laptop <doogie> and I don't mean the cats.
Given some of the recent threads, the interactive discussions might need to be conducted on canvas, in the presence of a referee, while wearing padded gloves.  ;-)\n-- Phil Hands
<james> but, then I used an Atari, I was more likely to win the lottery in\nten countries simultaneously than get accelerated X
* joeyh wonders why everyone wants to know how tall he is <james> joeyh: it helps the sniper
* BenC wonders why he has upgraded to 3.3.5-1 before teh X maintainer
<Delenn> I wouldn't make it through 24 hours before I'd be firing up the\ngrill and slapping a few friends on the barbie. <spacemoos> Why would you slap friends with barbies, thats kinda kinky
Technology is a constand battle between manufacturers producing bigger and more idiot-proof systems and nature producing bigger and better idiots.\n-- Slashdot signature
"I am ecstatic that some moron re-invented a 1995 windows fuckup."\n-- Alan Cox
knghtbrd: there may be no spoon, but can you spot the vulnerability in eye_render_shiny_object.c?\n-- rcw
<Joy> wow... simple maths show that Debian developers have closed more\nthan *31* *thousand* bug reports since our BTS exists! <Joy> that is about 30999 more than Microsoft ;)
<Knghtbrd> NOTE THAT THE ABOVE IS JUST AN OPINION AND SHOULD NOT BE\nTAKEN TO INCLUDE ANY MEASURE OF FACTUAL INFORMATION.  THE\nSPEAKER DISCLAIMS EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE.  DEAL WITH IT.
<james> any gnome freaks around? <Knghtbrd> not me, I'm just a freak
<Madax> ahh <Madax> a gathering of geeks.... <Madax> I can smell it now
<Knghtbrd> learn to love Window Maker. <Knghtbrd> a little NeXTStep is good for the soul.
Caveats: it's GNOME, be afraid, be very afraid of the Depends line\n-- James Troup
<Culus> Hhhmmmmmmmm <Culus> waterbeds for cows <Culus> eleet <cas> Culus: why would a cow need a waterbed? <Culus> cas:  To be comfy warm
If you are what you eat, I guess that makes me a cheese danish.\n-- Anonymous
<hop> when you start making only stupid mistakes that are obvious, thats\nwhen you start getting competent <hop> because you don't make fundamental misunderstanding mistakes <hop> and thats a *good* sign.
<lilo> it's weird, when you go on a safari to Africa to catch a lion, you\nfind it alive and it charges, and then you kill it <lilo> when you go on a safari to South Bay to find a Palm Vx, you find\nit dead and take it home and it charges after it arrives :)
<lilo> I can read the bloody *manual* as if it were some sort of\nreligious tract describing forms of enlightenment you can achieve\nafter 10 years on a mountain :)
Gates' Law: Every 18 months, the speed of software halves.
I think irc isn't going to work though---we're running out of topic space!\n-- Joseph Carter
"Pacific Bell Customer Service, this is [..], how can I provide you with excellent customer service today?" "HAHAHAHAHA!!  That's good, I like it.." "Um, thanks, they make us say that."\n-- knghtbrd and a pacbell rep, name removed to protect her job
<danpat> Omnic: bloody newzealanders <Omnic> danpat: put a sock in it <danpat> heh :) <knghtbrd> making fun of .nz'ers is different---they're all weird * knghtbrd hides <Omnic> hrmph
<Joy> Flinny: black crontab magic kinda stuff :) <knghtbrd> Joy: does that mean people get to dance naked around bonfires\nchanting strange things and waving their arms about in a silly\nmanner? <rcw> knghtbrd: what do you *think* people do at novare?
<knghtbrd> *snipsnip* <rcw> oh dear, is that the sound of fortune-database editing? <Joy> uh oh <knghtbrd> Yes  =>
<Joy> that's a Kludge(TM) <knghtbrd> It Works(tm) <Joy> AIX works(TM) <knghtbrd> no it doesn't <knghtbrd> =>
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits."\n-- Albert Einstein
<knghtbrd> If charging someone for violation of US crypto laws would get\nyou laughed out of court, just "investigate" them on hte charge\nof TREASON! <knghtbrd> Tea, anyone? <Espy> I'd rather drown politicians instead of tea :) <stu> espy: politicians have gills, duh <Espy> weasels don't have gills
If I have trouble installing Linux, something is wrong. Very wrong.\n-- Linus Torvalds
* bma_home gropes you <bma_home> "oups, wrong channel" <bma_home> </acf> <cerb> quit groping me <doogie> you know you like it. <bma_home> actually, it was "grope me baby" <gecko-> touch my son and you die, bma ;) <doogie> gecko-: but your wife is ok?
Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.\n- Arthur C Clarke
<knghtbrd> (tinc) <Espy> (ytitac) <knghtbrd> (ntinac) <Espy> (it) <knghtbrd> (in) * Espy notes talking in acr^Winitialisms is scary when the other side\nunderstands you
<Espy_on_crack> "I installed 'Linux 6.1', doesn't that make me a unix\nguru?" <BenC> Espy_on_crack: no, you have to install it twice before you are a\nguru...once to prove you can do it, the second to fix the things\nyour broke the first time <Espy_on_crack> oh right, how silly of me
* knghtbrd does the ET thing <knghtbrd> anybody got a speak-n-spell?
<Omnic> another .sig addition
I'm starting to think the gene pool could use a little chlorine.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
<Espy> be careful, some twit might quote you <Espy> out of context...
*** Topic for #redhat:  ReDHaT is the answer to all your problems. It\ncould be the start too!
* cesarb wonders if in less than a week Carmack will end up receiving in\ne-mail a courtesy copy of a version of the Quake source which is four\ntimes faster than what went out of his virtual hands...
<Knghtbrd> JHM: I'm not putting quake in the kernel source <Knghtbrd> but we should put quake in the boot floppies to one-up\nCaldera's tetris game..  ;>
Guns don't kill people.  It's those damn bullets.  Guns just make them go really really fast.\n-- Jake Johanson
<Espy> we need to split main into"core" and "wtf-uses-this"
<dhd> is there a special christmas pack for quake <dhd> where you get to be like the santa robot on futurama? <dunham> dhd: that would be a rather unbalanced game... <Knghtbrd> dunham: that's the idea.  ;>
<Knghtbrd> the problem with the GNU coding standards is they ASSUME that\neveryone in the world uses emacs..  If that were the case, free\nsoftware would die because we would all have wrist problems\nlike RMS by now and no longer be able to code.  ;>
C'mon! political protest! sheesh. Where's that anarchist spirit? ;-)\n-- Decklin Foster
We've upped our standards, so up yours!
* woot is now known as woot-dinner * Knghtbrd sprinkles a little salt on woot <Knghtbrd> I've never had a woot before...  Hope they taste good <woot-dinner> noooo! <woot-dinner> don't eat me! * Knghtbrd decides he does not want a dinner that talks to him...  hehe
[regarding measures to prevent cheating in quake] I mean, as long as I can make my rocket launcher look like a big twinkie, I'll be happy ;)\n-- Qeyser <keyser@jhu.edu>
* Mercury calmly removes XT-Ream's arm.. * Mercury then proceeds to beat XT-Ream with XT-Ream's arm. <Knghtbrd> wow, all this quake hacking is making Mercury violent here * mao is glad the quake forge project is in good hands
<Knghtbrd> CVS/Entries had the line I needed to "alter" <Mercury> Knghtbrd: Was about to mention such.. <G> <Mercury> Knghtbrd: Now, ready to commit? <Knghtbrd> wish me luck <Knghtbrd> Mercury: it's committed <Knghtbrd> Mercury: and after all that, I should be too.
* Knghtbrd crosses his toes <Knghtbrd> (if I crossed my fingers it would be hard to type)
<Palisade> how are we going to pronounce '00 or '01 or '02 and so on? <Deek> Say goodbye to the nineties, say hello to the naughties. :)
<Deek> If the user points the gun at his foot and pulls the trigger, it\nis our job to ensure the bullet gets where it's supposed to.
<Mercury> Be warned, I have a keyboard I can use to beat luser's heads\nin, and then continue to use... (=:] <Deek> Mercury: Oh, an IBM. :)
<Palisade> knght, sheesh, are you pasting my words out of context in\n#debian or something? <Palisade> ;) <Knghtbrd> no, but I probably should be  ;> <Palisade> d'oh!
<cas> Mercury: gpm isn't a very good web browser.  fix it.
<cas> well there ya go.  say something stupid in irc and have it\nimmortalised forever in someone's .sig file
Microsoft is a cross between the Borg and the Ferengi.  Unfortunately, they use Borg to do their marketing and Ferengi to do their programming.\n-- Simon Slavin
I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't.\n-- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
Where do you think you're going today?
<Tarzan> hey did you fall off your pirch or something? <knghtbrd> me?  heh.
<Espy> you are baked <knghtbrd> Espy: only half so
<darkangel> I generally don't use anything that has "experimental" and\n"warning" pasted all over it <darkangel> no, I'm not that dumb... hehe <Knghtbrd> ... * darkangel considers downloading the latest unstable kernel
<wichert> solaris is bsd, so it should work * Espy takes wichert's crack pipe away
* gxam wonders if all these globals are really necessary <Knghtbrd> most of them at the moment yes <Knghtbrd> we REALLY need to clean them up at some point <Knghtbrd> gxam: the globals will have to go away as we migrate towards\nmodularity and madness (ie, libtool)
<raptor> Adamel, i think the code you fixed of mine didn't work <raptor> i must not have commited the working code <Knghtbrd> raptor: like it's the first time THAT has ever happened  =p
<Mercury> Knghtbrd: Using -3dfx or -svga? <Knghtbrd> Mercury will do something sane with it <Knghtbrd> Mercury: both---svga sig11's, -3dfx sig4's <Knghtbrd> Mercury: that's not good right?  ;>
<Knghtbrd> Trust us, we know what we're doing...  We may have no idea HOW\nwe're doing it, but we know WHAT we're doing.
<jt> should a bug be marked critical if it only affects one arch? <james-workaway> jt: rc for that arch maybe, but those kind of arch\nspecific bugs are rare... <jt> not when it's caused by a bug in gcc <doogie> jt: get gcc removed from that arch. :)
<edLin> LWE? <edLin> Linux W?? E?? <seeS> will eatyou <JHM> World Expo? <edLin> i see
"Nominal fee". What an ugly sentence. It's one of those things that implies that if you have to ask, you can't afford it.\n-- Linus Torvalds
<Deek> you GPL your homework? :) <knghtbrd> yah  =D <knghtbrd> Anyone is permitted to use or modify my homework, but if they\ndistribute changes they must include the full machine-readable\nsource code ;>
* knghtbrd is each day more convinced that most C++ coders don't know what\nthe hell they're doing, which is why C++ has such a bad rap <Culus> kb: Most C coders don't know what they are doing, it just makes it\neasier to hide :P <Culus> see for instance, proftpd :P
<Culus> And don't get me started on perl! <Culus> :> <shaleh> perl is beyond evil <jim> you don't know perl yet? <netgod> gotta love a language with no definable syntax
<dhd> perl < /dev/bdsm <knghtbrd> you have a /dev/bdsm? <dhd> sure, it's a pseudosadomasochistic random number generator
<Kysh_> Joey: I'm on it right now.. 3 1.3Gb disks, 128M ram, dual 50Mhz\n(Up to quad 250Mhz) <Kysh_> The catch is that it pulls 110v at about 12A 8> <Culus> 12A! <Culus> Okay, my stove is 3000W, this sun is 1320W <Culus> DO YOU SEE A PROBLEM HERE <calc> a 1320W sun, that is like a hair dryer :)
* joeyh_ runs ps and sees 10 lines of awk code * joeyh_ recoils in horror
<knghtbrd> joeyh: I was down since midmorning yesterday and pacbell said\nthis morning that AT&T was to blame and almost all of the state\nwas down <rcw> dunno why people insist the internet can survive a nuclear holocaust\nwhen it can't survive a backhoe
This message was written with vi!  (not that anyone in the world cares)\n-- seen on an old message from an anon.penet.fi address
Connection reset by some moron with a backhoe
Feb  5 13:27:01 trinity lp0 on fire\n-- the Linux kernel, alerting me that there was some unknown problem with my printer (ie, it was out of ink)
The less you know about computers the more you want Microsoft!\n-- Microsoft ad campaign, circa 1996 (Proof that Microsoft's advertising _isn't_ dishonest!)
Making one brilliant decision and a whole bunch of mediocre ones isn't as good as making a whole bunch of generally smart decisions throughout the whole process.\n-- John Carmack
It's not usually cost effective time wise to go do it. But if something's really pissing you off, you just go find the code and fix it and that's really cool.\n-- John Carmack, on the advantages of open source
<Mercury> At that point it will compile, but segfault, as it should..
* Knghtbrd is FAR too tempted to .sig this entire discussion...
The Unixverse ends on Tue, 19 Jan 2038 03:14:07 +0000
<taniwha> Knghtbrd: we should do a quake episode :knee deep in the code"|you run around shooting at bugs:) <Knghtbrd> taniwha: I'll pass the idea on to OpenQuartz  ;>
<taniwha> i'd solve a windows key problem with fdisk :)
<Endy> knghtbrd: QW's netcode is doing strange things to me. :P <knghtbrd> This is unusual?  ;> <Endy> Not really. :P
<knghtbrd> rcw: Oh yay---I haven't been involved in a good flamewar in at\nleast ... 5 minutes!
<Manoj> shaleh: I am not, despite your implication, God
<SlayR> i just bought MS Office 2000 for only $20!!! <Knghtbrd> you got ripped off  ;> <SlayR> i know ;)
<Knghtbrd> it's 6am.  I have been up 24 hours <Knghtbrd> Wake me up and risk life and limb. * Knghtbrd &; sleep <Tv> Okay everyone, we wait 10 minutes and then start flooding Knghtbrd\nwith ^G's. Someone, hack root and cat /dev/urandom >/dev/dsp.
*** Knghtbrd is now known as SirKewLDooD *** Mercury kicked SirKewlDooD from #quakeforge (*WHACK*)
<Mercury> Knghtbrd: I'd love to see support for xor crosshairs.. <Knghtbrd> Mercury: you're on quack. <Mercury> Knghtbrd: You're the dealer... <G> *** Knghtbrd is now known as QuackDealer
* Dry-ice can't code his way out of a paper bag <Coderjoe> dry-ice: int main() { ExitPaperBag(); return 0; } <Knghtbrd> Is that how that's done then?  *takes notes*
<knghtbrd> eek, not another one... <knghtbrd> Seems ever developer and their mother now has a random\nsignature using irc quotes ... <knghtbrd> WHAT HAVE I STARTED HERE??
* seeS uses knghtbrd's comments as his signature <knghtbrd> seeS: as soon as I typed them I realized I'd better snip them\nmyself before someone else did  ;>
* Omnic looks at his 33.6k link and then looks at Joy * Mercury cuddles his cable modem.. (=:]
<knghtbrd> is it a sign of mental illness to wander aimlessly through the\nstart map, collect your Thunderbolt, hop in the pool, and gib\nyourself with it just to see your head buouce when it falls\nthrough the bottom of the pool?  => <knghtbrd> "You know you're a Quake addict when ..."
<Zoid> I still think you guys are nuts merging Q and QW. :P <knghtbrd> Of course we're nuts.  Even John said so.  => <taniwha> Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:)
<taniwha> Zoid: we're nuts, but we're productive nuts:) * taniwha wonders what productive nuts taste like
<Endy> taniwha: Quote material :) <taniwha> Endy: :) <knghtbrd> Endy: I already snipped it
<Endy> Actually, I think I'll wait for potato to be finalised before\ninstalling debian. <Endy> That should be soon, I'm hoping. :) <knghtbrd> Endy: You obviously know very little about Debian.
Nothing is a problem once you debug the code.\n-- John Carmack
<Overfiend> The Unix way -- everything is a file <Overfiend> The Linux way -- everything is a filesystem :)
<devkev> yeah i saw the lightning gun and where you were going, thinking\nyou were gonna kick some ass :) <devkev> didnt realise it would be your own :)
"Otherwise, please speak to a doctor about removing your head from your ass, I believe it would be beneficial to all involved."\n-- Zephaniah E. Hull, flaming someone on a mailing list
Tagline, you're it!
<knghtbrd> this is college course in formal logic <devkev> knghtbrd: i hate that shit, much prefer fuzzy logic :) <knghtbrd> kev: fuzzy logic tickles. <taniwha> knghtbrd: lol <devkev> knghtbrd: fuzzy logic is so cool, it models the world really well
I am practicing a fine point of ethics.  It is acceptable to shoot back. It is not acceptable to shoot first.\n-- Zed Pobre
<Coderjoe> gib, perl? <gib> methinks perl is the programmer's Swiss Army Chainsaw
<Endy> taniwha: Have you TESTED this one? :) <taniwha> Endy: of course not
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard and I will _not_ condone it.\n-- DyerMaker, 17 March 2000 MegaPhone radio show
It's not?  Are you saying that you SHOULD allow people (other than William Wallace) to shoot lightning bolts from their arse?\n-- Seth Galbraith
<Mercury> You don't have to be crazy to be a member of the project, but\nyou will be.. <=:]
* Endy needs to consult coffee :P <Endy> coffee the bot person, not coffee the beverage :) <knghtbrd> consulting the beverage may help too  =>
<Mongoose> knghtbrd: and the meek shall inherit k-mart
<knghtbrd> "Java for the COBOL Programmer" <knghtbrd> who writes these things? <raptor> people on crack <raptor> and cobol programmers <raptor> :) <knghtbrd> that's redundant.
<evilkalla> heh, I never took a coding class <evilkalla> or a graphics class <evilkalla> or a software design class <vegan> and it shows :P
* The_Answer_MD throws spaghetti at everyone * taniwha eats the spaghetti * Coderjoe tosses around some meatballs * Knghtbrd gets the cheese * taniwha grabs a red
<theoddone33> What's this message on my screen, <theoddone33>   so blue, so blue, what could it mean? <theoddone33> Could you, would you press Delete, <theoddone33>   Ctrl and Alt and then repeat.
<gorgo> what do you get when someone cracks your debian machine ? <gorgo> mashed potato...
<aj> come on <aj> it's a pico clone <aj> it's *meant* to be annoying
<Espy> I invoke Espy's law, which states that you all suck :P
<Overfiend> Culus: wanna suspend me for it? :) <Culus> Overfiend:  Go maliciously crack a few severs and we'll talk <Overfiend> Culus: damn, it has to be malicious? <Culus> Overfiend:  Sadly, yes
<Knghtbrd> 2fort5 sucks enough to have its own gravity ...
* CosmicRay wishes he had some strippers here.... <CosmicRay> err, wire strippers
<WildTHing> ok guys .. so whens the next commit :PP <taniwha> when they come to get me
<mdorman> I'm a gnus person myself.  It's an editor!  It's a floorwax!\nIt's a dessert topping!
<tausq> Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates? <tausq> A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.
At some point, bits have to go into packets and routers need to make decisions on them. Changes at that level is what I want to hear about, not strategic company relationships.\n-- John Carmack
We reject: kings, presidents, and voting. We believe in: rough consensus and working code.\n-- Dave Clark
<Knghtbrd> QF is going to get zipfile support today <Coderjoe> heh... infozip? <Knghtbrd> If I'm lucky yes <Deek> knghtbrd: You're kidding, right? ;) * Deek takes away Knghtbrd's crack pipe. ;)
<Deek> change all cvar->value = X to use Cvar_Set() <theoddone33> that didn't happen in oldtree <Deek> Actually, it did. <Knghtbrd> yeah - two weeks later.
=== This letter is the Honor System Virus ==== If you are running a Macintosh, OS/2, Unix, or Linux computer, please randomly delete several files from your hard disk drive and forward this message to everyone you know. ==============================================
* shortc wants to get in one of knghtbrd's sigs one of these days.
<Dr^Nick> SGI_Multitexture is bad voodoo now <Dr^Nick> ARB is good voodoo <witten> no, voodoo rush is bad voodoo :)
99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code,\nfix one bug, compile it again...\n101 little bugs in the code....
Hmm...  Which would do a better job at driving physicists crazy?  Travel faster than light, or a floating-point boolean value?\n-- Michael Mol
<calc> knghtbrd: gnome 2.0 will be out in a few months, not sure how it\nwill compare to kde 2.0 though <knghtbrd> calc: Just as bloated, just as buggy, and every Gnome 2 app\nwill depend on 30 libraries. <Slimer> knghtbrd: so what changes from 1.0 ?
<Ze0> so, how's everything in the world of Quack? <LordHavoc> just ducky <Ze0> excellent, fried duck is mighty fine tasty.
<FrikaC> I should probably reboot... <FrikaC> ok brb <FrikaC> So, what apart form avoiding virii, memory leaks, and rampant\ncrashing does Linux reallhy offer :) <LordHavoc> reliable multitasking?
<tausq>         if (cb) ((cb->obj)->*(cb->ui_func))(); <knghtbrd> tausq: who the HELL wrote that ? <tausq> me :) * knghtbrd flogs tausq
<Deek> Exactly how much of a PITA is this in C? <Knghtbrd> It's written in C++. <Deek> Hence my question. <Knghtbrd> I could do something like it in C.  Anyone who saw the results\nwould think I was either a genius or out of my fucking mind.\nThey'd be right on either count.
<Knghtbrd> glDisable (GL_BUGS); <Endy> heh <Endy> Is that in 1.2? :)
<Mercury> knghtbrd: Eww, find a better name, the movie sucked.. <G> <Knghtbrd> Mercury: The engine is better than the movie
<LackOfKan> What are 'bots'? <``Erik> rsg is a bot, not a human, not a human usable client, just a bot. <``Erik> about the same as a quake bot, except irc bots are (usually)\nbuilt to help, not shoot your ass full of holes
if (me != you)        // FIXME: probably always true, delete?\nfor (n = 0; n < who_knows_what; n++) {\nanswer = DoSomething (withthis[n]);\nif (answer == foobar) {\nGetLost (n);\nbreak;\n}\n}
<Knghtbrd> Yorick: no problem with indexed color palettes for images, as\nlong as you can pick the palette <Yorick> Obviously the people creating quake were colour-blind but that\ndoesn't mean you have to be
<cesarb> Damn, every time I spawn, qf-client-x11 locks hard <Zoid> Don't die? <Knghtbrd> good incentive.
Why is it that all of the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth?
<rebelpacket> hey, quick question, is there any way to speed up the\nperformance of uquake-x11? <Deek> rebelpacket: If you want to accelerate it, throw it harder.
<netgod> you know <netgod> its really sad when the internic itself cant configure DNS\nservers right <netgod> it just doesnt get any more pathetic than that
"I have a bone to pick, and a few to break."\n-- Anonymous
Z.O.I.D.: Zombie Optimized for Infiltration and Destruction
<Deek> Yes, America is a country based on how pissed-off a group of taxed\npeople can get. <Deek> We exist as a country because we're cheap.
<Oskuro> Overfiend: many patches on top of 4.0.1 already? <Overfiend> Oskuro: a few <Overfiend> only 152 megs
<joeyh> oh my, it's a UP P III. <doogie> dos it. * joeyh runs dselect <Overfiend> that ought to be sufficient :)
<barneyfu> knghtbrd: crap, SDL sure makes DGA a helluva alot easier too\ndoesn't it? :) <knghtbrd> barneyfu: what DGA? <barneyfu> mouse dga <knghtbrd> barneyfu: (does that answer your question?) <barneyfu> Hahahahaha YEAH! :)
A subversive is anyone who can out-argue their government.
We must know, we will know.\n-- David Hilbert
<Knghtbrd> Internet censorship.  Because your children need to be\nprotected from naked women, medical procedures, diverse\ncultures, and violent video games. <knghtbrd> (but information on building bombs, stealing cable, and\nmanufacturing drugs is okay...)
A friend of mine has a barcode on his arm. He rings up as a $.35 pack of JuicyFruit.\n-- Seen on Slashdot
<NullC> I like the seed code for computing masking curves. <NullC> I've never seen code that made be want to drink before that...
$you = new YOU; honk() if $you->love(perl)\n-- Seen on Slashdot
<cj> no!  problems in M$ software? <cj> "Thoroughly bugtested" * Dabb grins. <LordHavoc> rewrite that as 'Thoroughly buginfested'
<doogie> dpkg has bugs?  no way!
"Debian: no hats or reptiles were harmed in the making of this distribution= ."\n-- Paul Slootman
* knghtbrd ponders how to scare the living shit out of 87 people at once.. <knghtbrd> AHH!  I can do it in 3 words!: <knghtbrd> Microsoft Visual COBOL.
* athener calls Amnesty International House of Pancakes
<elmo> unclean: err, the admin team do not control the archive, that's the\nftp cabal <elmo> get your cabals right, damn it :-P
<BenC> CosmicRay: you complete me <BenC> err... <CosmicRay> heh * BenC goes back to coding * elmo looks at benc <elmo> something we should know about you and cosmicray, Ben? :)
Change the Social Contract?  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.\n-- Branden Robinson
All good ideas look like bad ideas to those who are losers.\n-- Dilbert
RFC 882 put the dot in .com, not Sun Microsystems\n-- Seen on Slashdot
* joeyh_ wonders if linux is supposed to lock up when you ask 100\nprocesses to cat the entire cd drive
<pretzelgod> knghtbrd: Quake should support xray vision, dammit <knghtbrd> pretzelgod: ftp://ftp.cdrom.com/pub/quake/partial_conversions/\nxrated/i_am_old_enough_to_look_at_this <knghtbrd> ... you asked ... <CosmicRay> haha, that is a real directory
<Knghtbrd> I SNEAK TO BUN <Knghtbrd> HELP ME FOR TO QUACK <Venom> kb: what the hell are you talking about? <Knghtbrd> bwahahaha..  It's a long story.
<miguel> `You have been unsubscribed from the high energy personal\nprotection devices mailing list' <miguel> I dont remember getting into the mailing list
<Myth> I'm getting a connection refused when connecting to port 25, anyone\nknow where the damn log is? <aj> Myth: /var/log/damn.log? * aj wonders what that'd look like <aj> Dec 18 05:32:30 blae smtpd[123]: DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!
<doogie_> linux takes shit and turns it into something useful. <doogie_> windows takes something useful and turns it into shit
* weasel wonders how stupid one has to be to spam alt.anonymous.messages <knghtbrd> weasel: about half as stupid as one has to be to harvest it.
* wolfie ponders how many debianites it takes to screw in a lightbulb <Viiru> wolfie: Somewhere around 600? One screw's the bulb, and the rest\nflame him for doing it wrong. <part> wolfie: is the bulb free software? <Tv> Can we vote on whether to screw it or not?
<Mercury> LordHavoc: The reason why GL has overdraw is because it is only\nusing HALF of the system they designed for vis. <Mercury> LordHavoc: Shooting itself in the foot. * Dabb looks at all those bullet holes in his shoes - damn, lots :)
<Dabb> hehe, I really hate bug reports which are like calling fire\ndepartment and saying: "There is fire here, come!" :) <Dabb> (and hanging up) * Dabb kills off dozen bug reports.
<xtifr> wow, I think I just used libtool to solve a problem -- somebody\nhelp me! :> <luca> xtifr, STEP AWAY FROM THE KEYBOARD
<mao> why do they insist on ading -Werror... <Misty-chan> Mesa would not compile out of the box if it were done by you\nguys ;) <knghtbrd> Uh, Mesa DOESN'T compile out of the box most of the time.
<Deek> nopcode: No, it isn't. Win32 lacks the equivalent of fork(). <Knghtbrd> Deek: windoze is not meant for people who should have access to\nsharp objects, hence no fork() <Knghtbrd> instead, you must rely on spoon()
<Knghtbrd> This font is starting to come out very nicely <stu> Knghtbrd: oh dear, are you hacking up another quake font in vi? :)
<pv2b> oh, besides, whats the best approach if i want to make a Quake\nlevel designed from an existing building? <Knghtbrd> Get a floorplan of Brian's office?  =) <pv2b> Knghtbrd: im considering my school. <Knghtbrd> Oh great <Knghtbrd> That's ALL we need
<knghtbrd> Windoze CEMeNT: Now with CrackGuard(TM)!  Never worry about\nunsightly cracks in Windoze CEMeNT again!  CrackGuard(TM) is\nso powerful that the entire thing will crumble before it will\ncrack.  Order your $200 upgrade version today!
<doogie> Culus: my bug with openssh appears to be fixed in 2.5.2, but\nmaster runs 2.3.0 <Culus> Don't even start <doogie> I just did. <Culus> You guys are going to drive me to build a huge giant robot and\ndestroy all of texas, aren't you?
<shader> whats wrong with rjing? <Rhamphoryncus> it's lame :P <Rhamphoryncus> it should NOT be possible <Rhamphoryncus> shoving a grenade up your ass and using it as rocket\npropelant shouldn't be a viable technique :P
* Equivalent code is available from RSA Data Security, Inc.\n* This code has been tested against that, and is equivalent,\n* except that you don't need to include two pages of legalese\n* with every copy.\n-- public domain MD5 source
* knghtbrd is gone - zzz - messages will be snapped like wet towels at all\nof the people who have stolen the trademark knghtbrd away message <Coderjoe> ack * Coderjoe prepares to defend himself from wet messages
Never underestimate the power of somebody with source code, a text editor, and the willingness to totally hose their system.\n-- Rob Landley <telomerase@yahoo.com>
"So, will the Andover party have a cash bar?" "No, there's free beer." "Uh-oh, Stallman's gonna be pissed..."\n-- overheard at the Bazaar, 1999
<Addi> Alter.net seems to have replaced one of its router with a zucchini.
<Mercury> Someone fix it. <Despair> committed <Knghtbrd> Despair: Mercury? <Despair> Knghtbrd: he's tired, made a mistake, wanted someone to undo it. <Knghtbrd> Despair: so you had him committed? <Despair> Knghtbrd: well, dedicated anyways.
The deafening silence taught me not to ask a bunch of geeks for advice from their girlfriends
"What are we going to do tonight, Bill?" "Same thing we do every night Steve, try to take over the world!"
<knghtbrd> *sigh*  My todo list is like the fucking energizer bunny <knghtbrd> It keeps growing and growing and growing and ...
<Deek> That reminds me, we'll need to buy a chainsaw for the office. "In\ncase of emergency, break glass"
<knghtbrd> He's a about half the size of the others. <knghtbrd> But he's got a chainsaw.
<Knghtbrd> It is when the example source won't compile ... <``Erik> then you fucked something up <Knghtbrd> Nope, I followed their instructions <``Erik> that may've been your problem :}
<Deek> "I keep my personal gpg data in a locked, lead safe in a vault\nguarded by angry rednecks and their dawgs.  Trespassers will be\nviolated, and all that..."
<ExMachina> glQuakeIIIRendererMode(GL_TRUE) <Knghtbrd> ExMachina: isn't that part of the extension which provides\nglDriverBugs(GL_FALSE); ? <Siigron> Knghtbrd: no, glDriverBugs() is part of EXT_help_me. <Siigron> which also contains glMakeItWork(GL_PLEASE);
<``Erik> 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 is a big number
<Xavvy> is that really knghtbrd? <Knghtbrd> No, I'm an EVIL IMPOSTOR! <Knghtbrd> An evil impostor who LIKES HYBRID! <Xavvy> haha <Xavvy> ok, it's him :P
<Elric> no BSD fans ? <EvilTypeGuy> Elric: it's hard to be a gamer and a bsd fan :p
<Marticus> There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
<SirDibos> Culus: are you awake? <Culus> no
<wli> Yeah, I looked at esd and it looked like the kind of C code that an\nex-JOVIAL/Algol '60 coder who had spent the last 20 years bouncing\nbetween Fortran-IV and Fortran '77 would write.
<nonlinear> .net is microsofts perverted version of a java networked\nenvironment uglified for windows-specific crap
<Mercury> LordHavoc: I'm already insane. <Coderjoe> damn straight. or curvy, crooked, or what have you
Unix is mature OS, windows is still in diapers and they smell badly.\n-- Rafael Skodlar <raffi@linwin.com>
<Midgar> From all the sterotypes about Aussies, I figure you guys are\nreally tough. <Midgar> ;p <krusto> we'll throw koala's at you
<calc> Knghtbrd: irc doesn't compile c code very well ;)
<robert> i understand there are some reasonable limits to free speech in\namerica, for example I cannot scream Fire into a crowded theatre\n.. But can i scream fire into a theatre with only 5 or 6 poeple\nin it ?
<aav> coffee on an empty stomach is pretty nasy <knghtbrd> aav: time to run to the vending machine for cheetos <aav> cheetos? :)
<f00Dave> Look, rejects, this is #OpenGL, not #GEEKSEX.
* TwingyAFK is shopping for 17" flat panel * aav sells TwingyAFK a piece of plywood
<knghtbrd> add a GF2/3, a sizable hard drive, and a 15" flat panel and\nyou've got a pretty damned portable machine. <Coderjoe> a GeForce Two-Thirds? <knghtbrd> Coderjoe: yes, a GeForce two-thirds, ie, any card from ATI.
<knghtbrd> Nintendo Declares GCN Most Popular Console Ever <knghtbrd> Who are they kidding? <Mercury> knghtbrd: Stock holders?
<LordHavoc> the majority of windoze artists do not have the ability to\nsave xpm <Mercury> LordHavoc: They don't have notepad? *G,D&R*
Linux supports the notion of a command line or a shell for the same reason that only children read books with only pictures in them. Language, be it English or something else, is the only tool flexible enough to accomplish a sufficiently broad range of tasks.\n-- Bill Garrett
## Signoff: insurgent (razzin' frazzin' motherfu... stupid directx...)
<krogoth> Kgnghtbrd: I wouldn't kow, I see no need for a spellchecker yet <Knghtbrd> you were saying?
<Knghtbrd> I'd better put the incriminating stuff into code:  ahfuiovka\nikperoa edfr ade 9 enbuw ejasxleme ka iena df4mesa <Knghtbrd> If you can decrypt that, you're a better cryptographer than I\nam.  =)
<rcw> liiwi: printk("CPU0 on fire\n");
<Electro> my computer was once one of the building blocks of a great\npyramid
NOTICE: anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will be\nsummarily put out.
<markm> c++: the power, elegance and simplicity of a hand grenade
<knghtbrd> but one sort per tab and none per list is arguably better than\nO(n + n**2) per tab and O(n**2) per list. <knghtbrd> OMG, someone shoot me. <Coderjoe2> ? <knghtbrd> I can't believe I just used the big goose-egg to explain why my\nway is probably best in the long run.
<hoponpop> my program works if i take out the bugs.
<DannyS> Hit the monkey to win $20(*)! * knghtbrd gets out his mallet. * knghtbrd plants it firmly on DannyS' head. * knghtbrd will take his $20 now.  =D
<gholam> well I'm impressed <gholam> win98 managed to crash X from within vmware. * gholam applauds.
Libtool shared library portability is only slightly more believable than perpetual motion machines.  Especially on AIX :)."\n-- David Leimbach
<Overfiend> this is the New Overfiend, preacher of Love and Tolerance
<liiwi> so, what's the official way to get buildd to retry a package? prod\nit with a stick? <Joey> prod neuro <liiwi> with a stick? <Joey> yes.
<Knghtbrd> "... you will more than likely see all kinds of compiler\nwarnings scrolling by on the screen. These are normal and can\nbe safely ignored." <LordHavoc> Knghtbrd: is that a note attached to some M$ code? <Knghtbrd> No, it's a note about a bunch of GNU stuff.
<Hydroxide> knightbrd: from knightbrd.brain import * :) <knghtbrd> Oh gods if it were that easy .. <knghtbrd> from carmack.brain import OpenGL
<LIM> mmmm, multitextured donuts.... <knghtbrd> LIM: with fruit filling? <LIM> knghtbrd: chocolate cream...
<StevenK> You're rewriting parts of Quake in *Python*? <knghtbrd> MUAHAHAHA
## a_nick (nobody@c213-89-87-111.cm-upc.chello.se) has joined #python <a_nick> how do i add a new key to a dictionary? <a_nick> nm <dash> heh :) <dash> behold the problem-solving power of #python.
<Intention> "It's classic percolate-up economics, recognizing that money\nis like manure: It works best if you spread it around." <Knghtbrd> Intention: Carter's correlation: People with lots of either\nusually smell funny <Intention> Knghtbrd: You SO win.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.\n-- Ben Franklin
A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks.  "Professional courtesy," he explained.
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral.  The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.  "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney?  Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates lawyers more than he hates his wife.
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.\n-- Robert Frost
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional ability in that particular field."
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".\n"Sure do," replied the bartender.\n"Good," said the man.  "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized rosewater.
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest:  "No person shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of the returns."
According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least once a year.
An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment to a motion may not be amended.  However, a substitute for an amendment to and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended.\n-- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English language.
An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!"
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought he was melting...
Another day, another dollar.\n-- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald Reagan.
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse the issue afterwards.
Behold the warranty -- the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very opposite applies with the judges.\n-- Beyond the Fringe
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and trousers that don't match.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked him, after a few days.\n"Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.
Divorce is a game played by lawyers.\n-- Cary Grant
Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives.\n-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North Carolina.
For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex.\n-- Gore Vidal
Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions|We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it seems to us that someone has been very careless.\n-- 78 So. 365.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18|\nQ:  Are you married?|A:  No, I'm divorced.|Q:  And what did your husband do before you divorced him?|A:  A lot of things I didn't know about.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19|\nQ:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?|A:  All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25|\nQ:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?|A:  No ma'am.|Q:  Does that mean you consented?|A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29|THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any ...
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32|\nQ:  Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?|A:  I will be three months November 8th.|Q:  Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?|A:  Yes.|Q:  What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37|\nQ:  Did he pick the dog up by the ears?|A:  No.|Q:  What was he doing with the dog's ears?|A:  Picking them up in the air.|Q:  Where was the dog at this time?|A:  Attached to the ears.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41|\nQ:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?|A:  By death.|Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52|\nQ:  What is your name?|A:  Ernestine McDowell.|Q:  And what is your marital status?|A:  Fair.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7|\nQ:  What happened then?|A:  He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."|Q:  Did he kill you?|A:  No.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a policeman's tie.
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.\n-- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out of the American Bar Association
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.\nWhen Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.
How do you insult a lawyer?\nYou might as well not even try.  Consider: of all the highly trained and educated professions, law is the only one in which the prime lesson is that *winning* is more important than *truth*.\nOnce someone has sunk to that level, what worse can you say about them?
Humor in th Court|\nQ: Do you drink when you're on duty?|A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Humor in the Court|Q.  And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral.  O.K.? What school do you go to? A.  Oral. Q.  How old are you? A.  Oral.
Humor in the Court|Q.  And who is this person you are speaking of? A.  My ex-widow said it.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York? A.  I refuse to answer that question. Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago? A.  I refuse to answer that question. Q.  Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami? A.  No.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A.  No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A.  No.  This is how I dress when I go to work.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A.  I should be. Q.  How many times have you comitted suicide? A.  Four times.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence? A.  Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Humor in the Court|Q.  Were you aquainted with the deceased? A.  Yes, sir. Q.  Before or after he died?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: (Showing man picture.) That's you?|A: Yes, sir.|Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: ...and what did he do then?|A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.|Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?|A: The victim lived.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?|A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Are you sexually active?|A: No, I just lie there.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Could you see him from where you were standing?|A: I could see his head.|Q: And where was his head?|A: Just above his shoulders.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?|A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
Humor in the Court|\nQ: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?|A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?|A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch--and she did!
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What is the meaning of sperm being present?|A: It indicates intercourse.|Q: Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.
Humor in the Court|\nQ: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?|A: She is my daughter.|Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head.\n-- Fratianno
I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some kind of loophole.\n-- Leo Kessler
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where it votes guilty.\n-- Joseph C. Goulden
If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, it might well prolong his life.\n-- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877
"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination."\n-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers.\n-- Tom Wicker
If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers.\n-- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method
In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.
In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.
In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.
In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride in any motor vehicle.
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor.
In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on the sidewalks when a concert is on.
In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket.
In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.
In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.
In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public view."
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length.
In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a moving automobile.
In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without the supervision of a licensed engineer.
In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.
It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of indulgence for infanticide.  A question of interest, my dear Sir!  The jury is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim of infanticide.\n-- Edmond About
It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of Urbana, Illinois.
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong.  Our offense consists in doubting it.\n-- Justice Robert H. Jackson
It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the municipality.\n-- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio
It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.
Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away someone else's cash.\n-- P.G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier"
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to wear tail lights.
Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets.
Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers?\n-- No? GOOD!
Laws are like sausages.  It's better not to see them being made.\n-- Otto von Bismarck
Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907|"Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he can."
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and legally ... impeccable!
Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in Halstead, Kansas.
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.\n-- Lenny Bruce
Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments.
Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today.  There might be a law against it by that time.
NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle.
New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.
Pittsburgh Driver's Test (8) Pedestrians are\n(a) irrelevant.\n(b) communists.\n(c) a nuisance.\n(d) difficult to clean off the front grille. The correct answer is (a).  Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook.\n-- Tommy Manville
Sho' they got to have it against the law.  Shoot, ever'body git high, they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens.  Hee-hee.\n-- Terry Southern
Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think about sex at all... they become lawyers.\n-- Woody Allen
Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a fool is despised only because he is a lawyer.\n-- Montesquieu
Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.
The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither doctors nor lawyers.\n-- L. Docquier
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of rise per foot of run.  A compromise, I imagine...
The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance.
The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.
The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was caught again, he would be thrown in jail.  Fine today, cooler tomorrow.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.\n-- Anatole France
The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance.  He of all men should behave as though the law compelled him.  But it is the universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine we own.\n-- H.G. Wells
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.\n-- H. L. Mencken
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.\n-- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights)
The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough voters to win the next election.
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs tied during the month of April.
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.\n-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest.  For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.'\n-- Michael Lara
"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial|both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him during the trial."\n-- David Letterman
There's no justice in this world.\n-- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz instead)
Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the yard.
Welcome to Utah. If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear!
What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.\n-- Christopher Morley
Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away?\n-- Carl Sandburg
Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have more lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke.\n-- Will Rogers
"How do you pronounce SunOS?"  "Just like you hear it, with a big SOS"\n-- dedicated to Roland Kaltefleiter
finlandia:~> apropos win win: nothing appropriate.
C:\> WIN Bad command or filename C:\> LOSE Loading Microsoft Windows ...
The state of some commercial Un*x is more unsecure than any Linux box without a root password...\n-- Bernd Eckenfels
Less is more or less more\n-- Y_Plentyn on #LinuxGER
Let's call it an accidental feature.\n--Larry Wall
.........    Escape the 'Gates' of Hell\n`:::'                  .......  ......\n:::  *                  `::.    ::'\n::: .::  .:.::.  .:: .::  `::. :'\n:::  ::   ::  ::  ::  ::    :::.\n::: .::. .::  ::.  `::::. .:'  ::. ...:::.....................::'   .::::..\n-- William E. Roadcap
Win95 is not a virus; a virus does something.\n-- unknown source
Machine Always Crashes, If Not, The Operating System Hangs (MACINTOSH)\n-- Topic on #Linux
Except for Great Britain. According to ISO 9166 and Internet reality Great Britain's toplevel domain should be _gb_.  Instead, Great Britain and Nortern Ireland (the United Kingdom) use the toplevel domain _uk_. They drive on the wrong side of the road, too.\n-- PERL book (or DNS and BIND book)
Save yourself from the 'Gates' of hell, use Linux."  -- like that one.\n-- The_Kind @ LinuxNet
I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue.\n-- Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux
Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this driver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it's full...).\n-- Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device
if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) {\nprintf("Don't Panic!\n");\nexit(42);\n}\n-- Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS
lp1 on fire\n-- One of the more obfuscated kernel messages
A Linux machine!  Because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste!\n-- Joe Sloan, jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer.\n-- Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable. Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished?\n-- Hasse Skrifvars, hasku@rost.abo.fi,
Windows without the X is like making love without a partner.\n-- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
Sex, Drugs & Linux Rules\n-- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
win-nt from the people who invented edlin.\n-- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
Apples  have  meant  trouble  since  eden.\n-- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
Linux, the way to get rid of boot viruses\n-- MaDsen Wikholm, mwikholm@at8.abo.fi
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile.\n-- Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates
Avoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux\n-- unknown source
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy.  The phrase was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up"\n-- Alan Cox, iialan@www.linux.org.uk
Linux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus.\n-- Mark A. Horton KA4YBR, mah@ka4ybr.com
----==-- _                     / /  \\n---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\ \ --==---/ / _ \/ // /\ \/ /   / /_/\ \ \ -=====/_/_//_/\_,_/ /_/\_\  /______\ \ \ A proud member of TeamLinux \_________\/ -- CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov)
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?" Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !!\n-- Felix von Leitner, leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de
Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has to be the HP-48 series of calculators.  They'll run almost anything.  And if they can't, while I'll just plug a Linux box into the serial port and load up the HP-48 VT-100 emulator.\n-- Jeff Dege, jdege@winternet.com
/*\n* Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to\n* terminate things with extreme prejudice. */ die_if_kernel("Oops", regs, error_code);\n-- From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c
Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste\n-- ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93
Linux: the choice of a GNU generation\n-- ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and those who can't.  There is a constant pitched battle between the two.\n-- From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a
When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".\n-- Linus Torvalds
We come to bury DOS, not to praise it.\n-- Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu
Be warned that typing \fBkillall \fIname\fP may not have the desired effect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user.\n-- From the killall manual page
Note that if I can get you to "su and say" something just by asking, you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should look into it.\n-- Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes
How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only coded it.\n-- Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting
I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117.\n-- Lawrence Foard, entropy@world.std.com
Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that no conclusion can be drawn from them.\n-- Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)
If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on the NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work.\n-- Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications
Problem solving under Linux has never been the circus that it is under AIX.\n-- Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix
I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')\n-- Olaf Kirch
On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'\n- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS. -- Tarl Neustaedter
By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread.\n-- Vance Petree, Virginia Power
I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you.\n-- Vance Petree, Virginia Power
Oh, I've seen copies [of Linux Journal] around the terminal room at The Labs.\n-- Dennis Ritchie
If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system.\n-- Linus Torvalds
...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it's below zero outside.\n-- Linus Torvalds
...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead sit in front of your linux computer playing with the all-new-and-improved linux kernel version.\n-- Linus Torvalds
Besides, I think Slackware sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?\n-- Patrick Volkerding
All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory...\n-- Larry Wall
And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs 19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank.\n-- Matt Welsh
Are Linux users lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of reliable, well-engineered commercial software?\n-- Matt Welsh
Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I wonder if He has a full newsfeed?\n-- Matt Welsh
I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of mice vs. trackballs... It was very silly.\n-- Matt Welsh
Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night hacking (and/or conversations with God).\n-- Matt Welsh
What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot water.\n-- Matt Welsh
...Deep Hack Mode -- that mysterious and frightening state of consciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread.\n-- Matt Welsh
...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly).\n-- Matt Welsh
...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer* being struck by lightning.\n-- Matt Welsh
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I speak from experience.\n-- Matt Welsh
[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less abusive.')\n-- Matt Welsh
I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't.\n-- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals.\n-- Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center
Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX.\n-- Stephan Zielinski
Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse for some of the brain-damages of minix.\n-- Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a high grade for such a design :-)\n-- Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds
We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications.  Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department.\n-- Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software
Linux is obsolete\n-- Andrew Tanenbaum
Dijkstra probably hates me.\n-- Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies.\n-- Linus Torvalds
We are Pentium of Borg.  Division is futile.  You will be approximated.\n-- seen in someone's .signature
Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment.\n-- seen in a posting in comp.software.testing
quit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor\nis  terminated, regardless of where the quit state-\nment is found.  For example, "if  (0  ==  1)  quit"\nwill cause bc to terminate.\n-- seen in the manpage for "bc". Note the "if" statement's logic
Sic transit discus mundi\n-- From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius
Sigh.  I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice.\n-- Craig E. Groeschel
We all know Linux is great... it does infinite loops in 5 seconds.\n- Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amterdam Linux Symposium
Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white light.  It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In a booming voice, He says: "THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM FOR THE 386.\n-- Matt Welsh
The chat program is in public domain.  This is not the GNU public license. If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces.\n-- Copyright notice for the chat program
Manchmal stehe nachts auf und installier's mir einfach...\n-- H0arry @ IRC
'Mounting' is used for three things: climbing on a horse, linking in a hard disk unit in data systems, and, well, mounting during sex.\n-- Christa Keil
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours!\n-- Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan
But what can you do with it?\n-- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system\ncrashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by\nUNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS.\n-- David Vicker's .plan
MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years of careful development.\n-- dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca
LILO, you've got me on my knees!\n-- David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the Dominos, and Werner Almsberger
I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few months.  I just love debugging ;-)\n-- Linus Torvalds
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple.  After that, it's all learned.\n-- Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, on X interfaces
After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or speaker of intuitive likes".\n-- Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, on X the intuitiveness of a Mac interface
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive, because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows from that! Har har har!"\n-- Andy Bates on "intuitive interfaces", slightly defending Macs
> No manual is ever necessary. May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That's the biggest Apple lie of all!\n-- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces
How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi $i done" in a GUI?\n-- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces
>Ever heard of .cshrc? That's a city in Bosnia.  Right?\n-- Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into super-edit-debug-compile mode?\n-- Discussion on the intuitiveness of commands, especially Emacs
Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of code using nothing but vi or emacs.  AAAAACK!\n-- Discussion on the intuitiveness of commands, especially Emacs
Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of filename completion.\n-- Discussion on file completion vs. the Mac Finder
Not me, guy.  I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads the Bible.  No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible.  Excuse me...\n-- More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc
On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT\n-- Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com
> I'm an idiot..  At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. Disquieting ...\n-- Gonzalo Tornaria in response to Linus Torvalds's
> I'm an idiot..  At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. We need to find some new terms to describe the rest of us mere mortals then.\n-- Craig Schlenter in response to Linus Torvalds's
> I'm an idiot..  At least this [bug] took about 5 minutes to find.. Surely, Linus is talking about the kind of idiocy that others aspire to :-).\n-- Bruce Perens in response to Linus Torvalds's
Never make any mistaeks.\n-- Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report
+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI) +       /* +        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus +        * this makes the year come out right. +        */ +       year -= 42; +#endif\n-- From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed.\n-- Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3
People disagree with me.  I just ignore them.\n-- Linus Torvalds, regarding the use of C++ for the Linux kernel
It's now the GNU Emacs of all terminal emulators.\n-- Linus Torvalds, regarding the fact that Linux started off as a terminal emulator
Audience: What will become of Linux when the Hurd is ready? Eric Youngdale: Err... is Richard Stallman here?\n-- From the Linux conference in spring '95, Berlin
Linux: The OS people choose without $200,000,000 of persuasion.\n-- Mike Coleman
The memory management on the PowerPC can be used to frighten small children.\n-- Linus Torvalds
... faster BogoMIPS calculations (yes, it now boots 2 seconds faster than it used to: we're considering changing the name from "Linux" to "InstaBOOT"\n-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.26
... of course, this probably only happens for tcsh which uses wait4(), which is why I never saw it.  Serves people who use that abomination right 8^)\n-- Linus Torvalds, about a patch that fixes getrusage for 1.3.26
It's a bird.. It's a plane.. No, it's KernelMan, faster than a speeding bullet, to your rescue. Doing new kernel versions in under 5 seconds flat..\n-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27
Eh, that's it, I guess.  No 300 million dollar unveiling event for this kernel, I'm afraid, but you're still supposed to think of this as the "happening of the century" (at least until the next kernel comes along).\n-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27
Oh, and this is another kernel in that great and venerable "BugFree(tm)" series of kernels.  So be not afraid of bugs, but go out in the streets and deliver this message of joy to the masses.\n-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.27
When you say 'I wrote a program that crashed Windows', people just stare at you blankly and say 'Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*'.\n-- Linus Torvalds
Never trust an operating system you don't have sources for. ;-)\n-- Unknown source
> Linux is not user-friendly. It _is_ user-friendly.  It is not ignorant-friendly and idiot-friendly.\n-- Seen somewhere on the net
Keep me informed on the behaviour of this kernel..  As the "BugFree(tm)" series didn't turn out too well, I'm starting a new series called the "ItWorksForMe(tm)" series, of which this new kernel is yet another shining example.\n-- Linus, in the announcement for 1.3.29
Seriously, the way I did this was by using a special /sbin/loader binary with debugging hooks that I made ("dd" is your friend: binary editors are for wimps).\n-- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserver
(I tried to get some documentation out of Digital on this, but as far as I can tell even _they_ don't have it ;-)\n-- Linus Torvalds, in an article on a dnserver
Q: Why shouldn't I simply delete the stuff I never use, it's just taking up space?|A: This question is in the category of Famous Last Words..\n-- From the Frequently Unasked Questions
Q: What's the big deal about rm, I have been deleting stuff for years?  And never lost anything.. oops!|A: ...\n-- From the Frequently Unasked Questions
Linux is addictive, I'm hooked!\n-- MaDsen Wikholm's .sig
panic("Foooooooood fight!");\n-- In the kernel source aha1542.c, after detecting a bad segment list
Footnotes are for things you believe don't really belong in LDP manuals, but want to include anyway.\n-- Joel N. Weber II discussing the 'make' chapter of LPG
Ok, I'm just uploading the new version of the kernel, v1.3.33, also known as "the buggiest kernel ever".\n-- Linus Torvalds
Go not unto the Usenet for advice, for you will be told both yea and nay (and quite a few things that just have nothing at all to do with the question).\n-- seen in a .sig somewhere
Those who don't understand Linux are doomed to reinvent it, poorly.\n-- unidentified source
Look, I'm about to buy me a double barreled sawed off shotgun and show Linus what I think about backspace and delete not working.\n-- some anonymous .signature
We apologize for the inconvenience, but we'd still like yout to test out this kernel.\n-- Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patch
The new Linux anthem will be "He's an idiot, but he's ok", as performed by Monthy Python.  You'd better start practicing.\n-- Linus Torvalds, announcing another kernel patch
How do you power off this machine?\n-- Linus, when upgrading linux.cs.helsinki.fi, and after using the machine for several months
Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter _what_ the circumstances.\n-- Linus Torvalds, to the linux-kernel list
Linus?  Whose that?\n-- clueless newbie on #Linux
N: Phil Lewis E: beans@bucket.ualr.edu D: Promised to send money if I would put his name in the source tree. S: PO Box 371 S: North Little Rock, Arkansas 72115 S: US\n-- /usr/src/linux/CREDITS
> You know you are "there" when you are known by your first name, and > are recognized. > Lemmie see, there is Madonna, and Linus, and ..... help me out here! Bill ? ;-)\n-- From some postings on comp.os.linux.misc
Whoa...I did a 'zcat /vmlinuz > /dev/audio' and I think I heard God...\n-- mikecd on #Linux
Some people have told me they don't think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen a angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph.  They'd be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.\n-- Linus Torvalds, announcing Linux v2.0
MS-DOS, you can't live with it, you can live without it.\n-- from Lars Wirzenius' .sig
.. I used to get in more fights with SCO than I did my girlfriend, but now, thanks to Linux, she has more than happily accepted her place back at number one antagonist in my life..\n-- Jason Stiefel, krypto@s30.nmex.com
I mean, well, if it were not for Linux I might be roaming the streets looking for drugs or prostitutes or something.  Hannu and Linus have my highest admiration (apple polishing mode off).\n-- Phil Lewis, plewis@nyx.nyx.net
"Linux was made by foreign terrorists to take money from true US companies like Microsoft." - Some AOL'er. "To this end we dedicate ourselves..." -Don\n-- From the sig of "Don", don@cs.byu.edu
Shoot me again. Just proving that the quickest way to solve the problem is to post a whine to the newsgroups: within moments the solution presents itself to me, and meanwhile my ass is hanging out on the Net... *sigh*...\n-- Dave Phillips, dlphilp@bright.net, about problem solving via news
> Is there any hope for me? Am I just thick? Does anyone remember the > Rubiks Cube, it was easier! I found that the Rubiks cube and Linux are alike. Looks real confusing until you read the right book. :-)\n-- seen on c.o.l.misc, about the "Linux Learning Curve"
> I've hacked the Xaw3d library to give you a Win95 like interface and it > is named Xaw95. You can replace your Xaw3d library. Oh God, this is so disgusting!\n-- seen on c.o.l.development.apps, about the "Win95 look-alike"
> I get the following error messages at bootup, could anyone tell me > what they mean? > fcntl_setlk() called by process 51 (lpd) with broken flock() emulation They mean that you have not read the documentation when upgrading the kernel.\n-- seen on c.o.l.misc
Only wimps use tape backup: _real_ men just upload their important stuff on ftp, and let the rest of the world mirror it ;)\n-- Linus Torvalds, about his failing hard drive on linux.cs.helsinki.fi
One of the things that hamper Linux's climb to world domination is the shortage of bad Computer Role Playing Games, or CRaPGs. No operating system can be considered respectable without one.\n-- Brian O'Donnell, odonnllb@tcd.ie
The game, anoraks.2.0.0.tgz, will be available from sunsite until somebody responsible notices it and deletes it, and shortly from ftp.mee.tcd.ie/pub/Brian, though they don't know that yet.\n-- Brian O'Donnell, odonnllb@tcd.ie
'Ooohh.. "FreeBSD is faster over loopback, when compared to Linux over the wire". Film at 11.'\n-- Linus Torvalds
Q: Would you like to see the WINE list?|A: What's on it, anything expensive?|Q: No, just Solitaire and MineSweeper for now, but the WINE is free.\n-- Kevin M. Bealer, about the WINdows Emulator
So in the future, one 'client' at a time or you'll be spending CPU time with lots of little 'child processes'.\n-- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the private life of a Linux nerd
We should start referring to processes which run in the background by their correct technical name... paenguins.\n-- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the penguin Linux logo
We can use symlinks of course... syslogd would be a symlink to syslogp and ftpd and ircd would be linked to ftpp and ircp... and of course the point-to-point protocal paenguin.\n-- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the penguin Linux logo
This is a logical analogy too... anyone who's been around, knows the world is run by paenguins.  Always a paenguin behind the curtain, really getting things done.  And paenguins in politics--who can deny it?\n-- Kevin M. Bealer, commenting on the penguin Linux logo
Linux: Where Don't We Want To Go Today?\n-- Submitted by Pancrazio De Mauro, paraphrasing some well-known sales talk
The most important design issue... is the fact that Linux is supposed to be fun...\n-- Linus Torvalds at the First Dutch International Symposium on Linux
In short, at least give the penguin a fair viewing. If you still don't like it, that's ok: that's why I'm boss. I simply know better than you do.\n-- Linus "what, me arrogant?" Torvalds, on c.o.l.advocacy
The linuX Files -- The Source is Out There.\n-- Sent in by Craig S. Bell, goat@aracnet.com
C is quirky, flawed, and an enormous success\n-- Dennis M. Ritchie
If Bill Gates is the Devil then Linus Torvalds must be the Messiah.\n-- Unknown source
Vini, vidi, Linux!\n-- Unknown source
Checking host system type... i586-unknown-linux configure: error: sorry, this is the gnu os, not linux\n-- Topic on #Linux
It's easy to get on the internet and forget you have a life\n-- Topic on #LinuxGER
To kick or not to kick...\n-- Somewhere on IRC, inspired by Shakespeare
Linux - Where do you want to fly today?\n-- Unknown source
The easiest way to get the root password is to become system admin.\n-- Unknown source
The good thing about standards is that there are so many to choose from.\n-- Andrew S. Tanenbaum
The primary difference [...] is that the Java programm will reliably and obviously crash, whereas the C Program will do something obscure\n-- Java Language Tutorial
LOAD "LINUX",8,1\n-- Topic on #LinuxGER
Old MacLinus had a stack/l-i-n-u-x/and on this stack he had a trace/l-i-n-u-x with an Oops-Oops here and an Oops-Oops there here an Oops, there an Oops, everywhere an Oops-Oops.\n-- tjimenez@site.gmu.edu, linux.dev.kernel
Not only Guinness - Linux is good for you, too.\n-- Banzai on IRC
> NE-2000 clone.  Pentium optimizing gcc (pentium gcc pl8 I think).\n^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Build a kernel with the proper gcc. Reports with a non standard compiler are useless.\n-- Alan Cox
BTW: I have a better name for the software .... Microsoft Internet Exploder.\n-- George Bonser <grep@cris.com>
Well, since MS cant be sure of the username of someone downloading things, they are going to play it safe and have everything dowloaded and executed by Explorer as suid root. That way, it will run on ANY system anywhere. :)\n-- George Bonser <grep@cris.com>
If you really want pure ASCII, save it as text... or browse it with your favorite browser...\n-- Alexandre Maret <amaret@infomaniak.ch>
Sorry for mailing this article, I've obviously made a typo (168!=186) that's the price for being up all night and doing some "quick" checks before you go to bed ....\n-- Herbert Rosmanith <herp@wildsau.idv.uni-linz.ac.at>
Just to remind everyone.  Today, Sept 17, is Linux's 5th birthday.  So happy birthday to all on the list.  Thanks go out to Linus and all the other hard-working maintainers for 5 wonderful fast paced years!\n-- William E. Roadcap <roadcapw@cfw.com>
Exporting beer from Finnland doesn't seem to be that much of a hassle, as the Lenigrad Cowboys brought a lot of their brew to the concerts in Austria.\n-- Otmar Lendl <lendl@cosy.sbg.ac.at>
Beeping is cute, if you are in the office ;)\n-- Alan Cox
>  Where in the US is Linus? He was in the "Promise Land".\n-- David S. Miller <davem@caip.rutgers.edu>
>       Yeah, Linus is in the US. > >       His source trees are in Finland.\nOK, someone give him access -fast- ...... ;-)\n-- babydr@nwrain.net, because of problems with the kernel
Subject: Linux box finds it hard to wake up in the morning I've heard of dogs being like their owners, but Linux boxen?\n-- Peter Hunter <peter.hunter@blackfriars.oxford.ac.uk>
*** PUBLIC flooding detected from erikyyy <lewnie> THAT's an erik, pholx.... ;)\n-- Seen on #LinuxGER
I've no idea when Linus is going to release 2.0.24, but if he takes too long Im going to release a 2.0.24unoff and he can sound off all he likes.\n-- Alan Cox
All the existing 2.0.x kernels are to buggy for 2.1.x to be the main goal.\n-- Alan Cox
Computers are useless.  They can only give you answers.\n-- Pablo Picasso
martin@bdsi.com (no longer valid - where are you now, Martin?)\n-- from /usr/src/linux/drivers/cdrom/mcd.c
[...] or some clown changed the chips on a board and not its name. (Don't laugh!  Look at the SMC etherpower for that.)\n-- from /usr/src/linux/MAINTAINERS
REST|P:      Linus Torvalds S:      Buried alive in email\n-- from /usr/src/linux/MAINTAINERS
Why use Windows when you can have air conditioning?\nWhy use Windows, when you can leave through the door?\n-- Konrad Blum
Netscape is not a newsreader, and probably never shall be.\n-- Tom Christiansen
I think it's time to remove Qt and Qt-derived applications from the distributon. By distributing it, we only encourage authors to create restrictive licenses.\n-- Bruce Perens
If someone can point me to a good and _FREE_ backup software that keeps track of which files get stored on which tape, we can change to it.\n-- Mike Neuffer, admin of i-Connect Corp.
Whoa, first contact! [...] Welcome, from the people of Terra (Sol III). We extend our hands in friendship, and sincerely hope you shall do the same with your hand-equivelents.\n-- Jason Burrell about a russian posting
> Whoa, first contact! Nope, 'fraid not, Linux is still primarily used on planet Earth, I'm afraid. Our friend here sent a message in Russian (KOI8-R encoding).\n-- Aleksey Kliger, explaining a russian posting
There is, however, a strange, musty smell in the air that reminds me of something...hmm...yes...I've got it...there's a VMS nearby, or I'm a Blit.\n-- Larry Wall in Configure from the perl distribution
Das ganze Saarland ist von M$ besetzt - das ganze? Nein eine kleine Gruppe im Sudwesten trotzt dem ubergrosen Herrscher dank ihres Zaubertrankes Linux\n-- Tooster on #LinuxGER
1648 files (84%) out of the files that I mirror disappeared.  Since my delete threshold was set at 90%, all those files are now missing from my hard drive.  It's going to take a loooong time to fetch those again via 14.4kbps!\n-- Brian C. White
Whoever asked if the debian organization was dead isn't reading debian-devel. 66 messages in one day, and it's not over. I find it difficult to keep up.\n-- Bruce Perens
>    What is the status of Linux' Unicode implementation. Will Linux >    be prepared for the first contact? We have full klingon console support just in case\n-- Alan Cox on linux-kernel
"You, sir, are nothing but a pathetically lame salesdroid! I fart in your general direction!"\n-- Randseed on #Linux
* Jes wonders why so many people in here uses fooZZZZZ and foo_sleeping nicks <peter> Jes: Because they are sleeping?\n-- Seen on #Linux
* gb notes that fdisk thinks his cdrom can store one terabyte\n-- Seen on #Linux
Check it out, send me comments, and dance joyously in the streets,\n-- Linus Torvalds announcing 2.0.27
Sex dumps core (Sex is a Simple editor for X11)\n-- Seen on debian bugtracking
I tried the clone syscall on me, but it didn't work.\n-- Mike Neuffer trying to fix a serious time problem
-  long    f_ffree;    /* free file nodes in fs */ +  long    f_ffree;    /* freie Dateiknoten im Dateisystem */\n-- Seen in a translation
* Phaedrus wishes he could get a machine that consists of Sparc IO,\nAlpha Processors and sleek design of an SGI <pp> And intel prices\n-- Seen on #Linux
<Tazman> damn my office is cold. <Tazman> need a hot secretary to warm it up.\n-- Seen on #Linux
This is a scsi driver, scraes the shit out of me, therefore I tapdanced and wrote a unix clone around it (C) by linus\n-- Somewhere in the kernel tree
*  This is complicated.  Has to do with interrupts.  Thus, I am\n*  scared witless.  Therefore I refuse to write this function. :-P\n-- From the maclinux patch
Yes I have a Machintosh, please don't scream at me.\n-- Larry Blumette on linux-kernel
<miguel> any new sendmail hole I have to fix before going on vacations?\n-- Seen on #Linux
AUTHOR FvwmAuto just appeared one day, nobody knows how.\n-- FvwmAuto(1x)
<lilo> Fairlight: udp is the light margarine of tcp/ip transport protocols :)\n-- Seen on #Linux
i dont even know if it makes sense at all :) This is an experimental patch for an experimental kernel :))\n-- Ingo Molnar on linux-kernel
Linux - Das System fuer schlaue Maedchen ;)\n-- banshee
If loving linux is wrong, I dont wanna be right.\n-- Topic for #LinuxGER
>>> FreeOS is an english-centric name Have you all been stuck in email, or have any of you tried *pronouncing* that? free-oh-ess? free-ows? fritos? :-)\n-- Mark Eichin
The documentation is in Japanese.  Good luck.\n-- Rich $alz
People are going to scream bloody murder about that.\n-- Seen on linux-kernel
>   1. is qmail as secure as they say? Depends on what they were saying, but most likely yes.\n-- Seen on debian-devel
NEVER RESPOND TO CRITICAL PRESS.  IT IS A GAME YOU CAN ONLY LOSE, AND IT MAKES US LOOK BAD.\n-- Bruce Perens
A feature is nothing more than a bug with seniority.\n-- Unknown source
(It is an old Debian tradition to leave at least twice a year ...)\n-- Sven Rudolph
If a 'train station' is where a train stops, what's a 'workstation'?
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
"We don't do a new version to fix bugs." - Bill Gates "The new version - it's not there to fix bugs." - Bill Gates\n-- Retranslated from Focus 43/1995, pp. 206-212
The POP3 server service depends on the SMTP server service, which failed to start because of the following error: The operation completed successfully.\n-- Windows NT Server v3.51
Software is like sex; it's better when it's free.\n-- Linus Torvalds
oh okay. my mistake. Yafcot:atj(*), mark * Yet another fool coming over this: according to joey\n-- mark@mail.novare.net
Sorry.  I just realized this sentance makes no sense :)\n-- Ian Main
Netscape is not a newsreader, and probably never shall be.\n-- Tom Christiansen
Stopping Apache webserver...sleeping...starting again...apache: dl-version.c:189|_dl_check_map_versions: Assertion `needed != ((void *)0)' failed noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo\n-- netgod on #Debian at LISC
Make it idiot-proof, and someone will breed a better idiot.\n-- Oliver Elphick
#Debian makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :)\n-- HippieGuy on #Debian
<Myxie> I know. Unless htere is a cookie monster somewhere between us tat muches the amil. <Myxie> amil/mail <Myxie> muches/munches tat/that htere/there <HippieGuy> heheh <HippieGuy> problems? :) * Myxie needs an ircii addon that pipes teh command line through ispell :)\n-- Seen on #Debian
ECRC hat keine lynx komp. seiten, sowas MUSS ja pleite gehen ;-)=\n-- Getty on #LinuxGER
Uh... deity is a word, and diety isn't. Or is it supposed to be one of those recursive acronyms?  Diety Is Excellent To You.  Deity Eats Icecream That's Yellow.  Diety Is Eloping To Yokohama.  I'll stop now.\n-- Guy Maor
Why are there always boycotts?  Shouldn't there be girlcotts too?\n-- argon on #Linux
<sct> Anyone want the new supermount? :) <klogd> whats new aboutit <sct> klogd: It cleans whiter than white. :)\n-- Seen on #Linux
- DDD no longer requires the librx library.  Consequently, librx\nerrors can no more cause DDD to crash.\n-- DDD
snafu = Situation Normal All F%$*ed up
It's computer hardware, of course it's worth having <g>\n-- Espy on #Debian
Alan E. Davis: Some files at llug.sep.bnl.gov/pub/debian/Incoming are stamped on 10 January 1998.  As I write, nowhere on Earth is it now 10 January. Craig Sanders: That just proves how advanced debian is, doesn't it :-)\n-- debian-devel
Computers are like air conditioners.  Both stop working, if you open windows.\n-- Adam Heath
I am NOT a kludge!  I am a computer!\n-- tts
<Joey> gorgo: *lol* <gorgo> joey: what's so funny? :) <Culus> shh, joey is losing all sanity from lack of sleep <Culus> 'yes joey, very funny' <Culus> Humor him :>\n-- Seen on #Debian
* SynrG notes that the number of configuration questions to answer in sendmail\nis NON-TRIVIAL\n-- Seen on #Debian
My apologies if I sound angry.  I feel like I'm talking to a void.\n-- Avery Pennarun
RIP is irrelevant.  Spoofing is futile.  Your routes will be aggregated.\n-- Alex Yuriev
After 14 non-maintainer releases, I'm the S-Lang non-maintainer.\n-- Ray Dassen
BREAKFAST.COM Halted... Cereal Port Not Responding.
* JHM wonders what Joey did to earn "I'd just like to say, for the record,\nthat Joey rules."\n-- Seen on #Debian
Steal my cash, car and TV - but leave the computer!\n-- Soenke Lange <soenke@escher.north.de>
The only really good reason I can think to not release specs is embarrassment on just how crappy some hardware out there is, or just how buggy it is.\n-- Chris Wedgwood <cw@ix.net.nz>
> Alan Cox wrote|[..] No I didnt.  Someone else wrote that.  Please keep attributions straight.\n-- From linux-kernel
Do people like check the Debian website every 5 minutes to check it hasn't morphed into another one? Not that I'm one to talk, but some people seriously need to get a life\n-- james on #Debian
... Linux und seine Programme sind damit so etwas wie ein real existierender Sozialismus der besseren Art ...\n-- Christian Seel in der Berliner Morgenpost v. 9.3.1997
* james would be more impressed if netgod's magic powers could stop the splits in the first place... * netgod notes debian developers are notoriously hard to impress\n-- Seen on #Debian
* Joey should not write changelog entries at 5:30am <Joey>    * DFSC Free cgi library <Joey> What's that? DFSC? <jim> Debian Free Software mroooooCows\n-- Seen on #Debian
<posix> this guy _is_ crazy <stargazer> posix: from the looks of Enlightenment he's on LSD <posix> LSD is nothing compared to what this guy's on..\n-- Seen on #Unix
On Netscape GPLing their browser: ``How can you trust a browser that ANYONE can hack? For the secure choice, choose Microsoft.''\n-- <oryx@pobox.com> in a comment on slashdot.org
Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!
#define FALSE   0               /* This is the naked Truth */ #define TRUE    1               /* and this is the Light */\n-- mailto.c
<Stealth> How do I bind a computer to an NIS server? <Joey> Use a rope?\n-- Seen on #Debian
Try to remove the color-problem by restarting your computer several times.\n-- Microsoft-Internet Explorer README.TXT
Does biff in bo work coz it biffin doesn't beep an if biff in bo is broke then biff in bo I will delete I've tried biff in bo with 'y' I've tried biff in bo with '-y' no biffin output does it show so poor wee biff is gonna go.\n-- John Spence <jspence@lynx.net.au> on debian-user
Real Men don't make backups.  They upload it via ftp and let the world mirror it.\n-- Linus Torvalds
One tree to rule them all, One tree to find them, One tree to bring them all, and to itself bind them.\n-- Gavin Koch <gavin@cygnus.com>
As I currently don't have a floppy drive in my computer, I'd like to make an `emergency cdrom' ;)\n-- Eugene Crosser <crosser@average.org>
Alan Cox wrote|>> On any procmail new enough not to be full of security holes you set >Brain on, Imeant majordomo of course 8) You got me worried there for a brief (very brief) moment :-).\n-- Stephen R. van den Berg (AKA BuGless)
<grin> seen jhm <dpkg> jhm is Sarek, and jhm is on the channel right now! * JHM wonders why dpkg remembers that particular nick. <grin> dpkg: Sarek? ermm, sure, and I am Khan\n-- Seen on #Debian
When you have 200 programmers trying to write code for one product, like Win95 or NT, what you get is a multipule personality program.  By definition, the real problem is that these programs are psychotic by nature and make people crazy when they use them.\n-- Joan Brewer on alt.destroy.microsoft
<igor> Hah! we have 2 Johnie Ingrams in the channel :) <igor> Hey all btw :)
I just uploaded xtoolplaces-1.6. It fixes all bugs but one: It still coredumps instead of doing something useful.  The upstream author's e-mail address bounces, Redhat doesn't provide it and I never used it.\n-- Sven Rudolph <sr1@os.inf.tu-dresden.de>
<Culus> aIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11 <Culus> MY LIGHT JUST DIED <Culus> I AM SO SAD <Culus> I'm blind! I'm blind! <dark> Light? <dark> Turn all your xterms to black-on-white :)  Plenty of light that way.\n-- Seen on #Debian
/*\n*     Please skip to the bottom of this file if you ate lunch recently\n*                             -- Alan\n*/\n-- from Linux kernel pre-2.1.91-1
#if _FP_W_TYPE_SIZE < 64 #error "Only stud muffins allowed, schmuck." #endif\n-- linux/arch/sparc64/quad.c
#if _FP_W_TYPE_SIZE < 32 #error "Here's a nickel kid.  Go buy yourself a real computer." #endif\n-- linux/arch/sparc64/double.h
* Linux Viruscan.....\nWindows 95 found.  Remove it? (Y/y)\n-- Unknown source
<sel> need help: my first packet to my provider gets lost :-( <netgod> sel:  dont send the first one, start with #2 * netgod is kidding
These download files are in Microsoft Word 6.0 format. After unzipping, these files can be viewed in any text editor, including all versions of Microsoft Word, WordPad, and Microsoft Word Viewer\n-- From Micro$oft
<james> abuse me.  I'm so lame I sent a bug report to debian-devel-changes\n-- Seen on #Debian
Ooh, mommy, mommy, what I have now doesn't work in this extremely unlikely circumstance, so I'll just throw it away and write something completely new.\n-- Linus Torvalds
#ifdef __SMP__ #error "Me no hablo Alpha SMP" #else #define irq_enter(cpu, irq)     (++local_irq_count[cpu]) #define irq_exit(cpu, irq)      (--local_irq_count[cpu]) #endif\n-- from kernel 2.1.90, arch/alpha/kernel/irc.c
Linus Torvalds|> This is the special easter release of linux, more mundanely called 1.3.84 Winfried Truemper: > Umh, oh. What do you mean by "special easter release"?. Will it quit > working today and rise on easter?
I never thought that I'd see the day where Netscape is free software and X11 is proprietary.  We live in interesting times.\n-- Matt Kimball <mkimball@xmission.com>
Because I don't need to worry about finances I can ignore Microsoft and take over the (computing) world from the grassroots.\n-- Linus Torvalds
/*\n* Buddy system. Hairy. You really aren't expected to understand this\n*\n*/\n-- From /usr/src/linux/mm/page_alloc.cA
baz bat bamus batis bant.\n-- James Troup
Just go ahead and write your own multitasking multiuser os! Worked for me all the times.\n-- Linus Torvalds
I've seen people with new children before, they go from ultra happy to looking like something out of a zombie film in about a week.\n-- Alan Cox about Linus after his 2nd daughter
I expect that noone has objections.  However, if I'd only add these entries to the list because `I think it's the right thing to do', I'd get a lot of flames afterwards :)\n-- Christian Schwarz
Various documentation updates and bugfixes (the best way to know that a stable kernel is approaching is to notice that somebody starts to spellcheck the kernel - it has so far never failed)\n-- Linus Torvalds in the annoucement for pre-2.1.99-3
You will not censor me through bug terrorism.\n-- James Troup
<doogie> Thinking is dangerous.  It leads to ideas.\n-- Seen on #Debian
<james> Are we going to make an emacs out of apt?\nAPT - Debian in a program.  It even does your laundry\n-- Seen on #Debian
<joost> Do you mean to say that I can read mail with vi too? ;-) <Joey> Didn't you know that? <Joey> :r /var/spool/mail/jk\n-- debian-mentors
Charles Briscoe-Smith <cpbs@debian.org>|After all, the gzip package is called `gzip', not `libz-bin'... James Troup <troup@debian.org>: Uh, probably because the gzip binary doesn't come from the non-existent libz package or the existent zlib package.\n-- debian-bugs-dist
Debian is like Suse with yast turned off, just better. :)\n-- Goswin Brederlow
Arnold's Laws of Documentation|(1) If it should exist, it doesn't.\n(2) If it does exist, it's out of date.\n(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws.
The truth is not free.  It's that simple.  If you change the truth, it is no longer true - so the truth is not free!\n-- Jules Bean about freeness of documentation
* JHM wonders what Joey did to earn "I'd just like to say, for the record,\nthat Joey rules."\n-- Seen on #Debian
The problem here (as someon else stated) is that when multiple dists use the same package format it only gives a "false sense of compatibility".\n-- Stephen Carpenter <sjc@delphi.com>
*** Rince is wagner@schizo.DAINet.de (We have Joey, we have Fun, we have Linux on a Sun)\n-- Seen on #Debian
... Linux und seine Programme sind damit so etwas wie ein real existierender Sozialismus der besseren Art...\n-- Christian Seel in der Berliner Morgenpost v. 9.3.1997
The most effective has probably been Linux/8086 - that was a joke that got out of hand.  So far out of hand in fact its almost approaching usability because other folks thought it worth doing - Alistair Riddoch especially.\n-- Alan Cox
The only other people who might benefit from Linux8086 would be owners of PDP/11's and other roomsized computers from the same era.\n-- Alan Cox
Ha. I say let them try -- even vi+perl couldn't match the power of an editor which is, after all, its own OS.  ;-)\n-- Johnie Ingram on debian-devel, about linking vim with libperl.so
Being overloaded is the sign of a true Debian maintainer.\n-- JHM on #Debian
<alaint> joey--very clever !!! <alaint> joey--no wonder that Debian is a good distrib with coder like you\n-- Seen on #Debian (referring to my RAID article for the LJ)
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.\n-- Unknown source
Despite the best efforts of a quantum bigfoot drive (yes I know everyone told me they suck, now I know they were right) 2.1.109ac1 is now available\n-- Alan Cox announcing Linux 2.1.109ac1
<dark> Turns out that grep returns error code 1 when there are no matches.\nI KNEW that.  Why did it take me half an hour?\n-- Seen on #Debian
It's simply unbelievable how much energy and creativity people have invested into creating contradictory, bogus and stupid licenses...\n--- Sven Rudolph about licences in debian/non-free.
<Overfiend> partycle: I seriously do need a vacation from this\npackage.  I actually had a DREAM about introducing a\nstupid new bug into xbase-preinst last night.  That's a\nBad Sign.\n-- Seen on #Debian shortly before the release of Debian 2.0
<core> i'm glad Debian finally got into\npolar-deep-freeze-we-arent-shitting-you state finally.\n-- Seen on #Debian shortly before the release of Debian 2.0
<dark> Looks like the channel is back to normal :) <jim> You mean it's not scrolling faster than anyone can read? :)\n-- Seen on #Debian after the release of Debian 2.0
Alex Buell|Or how about a Penguin logo painted in really really trippy colours, and emblazoned with the word LSD. :o) Geert Uytterhoeven: We already had that one, but unfortunately Russell King fixed that nasty palette bug in drivers/video/fbcon.c :-)\n-- linux-kernel
Writing non-free software is not an ethically legitimate activity, so if people who do this run into trouble, that's good!  All businesses based on non-free software ought to fail, and the sooner the better.\n-- Richard Stallman
Fehlermeldung von StarOffice|Das Dokument wurde fuer den Drucker Generic PostScript Printer formatiert. Der Drucker ist nicht vorhanden.  Soll der Standarddrucker Generic PostScript Printer verwendet werden? Ob Programme schizophren werden koennen?\n-- Oliver Bedford <O.Bedford@uni-koeln.de>
No, that's wrong too.  Now there's a race condition between the rm and the mv.  Hmm, I need more coffee.\n-- Guy Maor on Debian Bug#25228
Perhaps the RBLing (Realtime Black Hole) of msn.com recently, which prevented a large amount of mail going out for about 4 days, has had a positive influence in Redmond.  They did agree to work on their anti-relay capabilities at their POPs to get the RBL lifted.\n-- Bill Campbell on Smail3-users
Microsoft DNS service terminates abnormally when it recieves a response to a DNS query that was never made.  Fix Information: Run your DNS service on a different platform.\n-- bugtraq
I am amazed that no-one's based a commercial distribution on Debian yet - it is by far the most solid UNIX-like OS I've ever installed, and I've played with HP/UX, Solaris, FreeBSD, BSDi, and SCO (not to mention OS/2, Novell, Win95/NT)\n-- Nathan E. Norman
Jim>   http://www.novare.net/~eam/kaffe/ Joey>                           ^ Joey> And now we all learn how to write Ean's name and the URL is complete. Jim> Hah!  I noticed that the instead I sent it, and I tried to hit ^g, but\nI was too slow.  :-)\n--- debian-devel
And Bruce is effectively building BruceIX\n-- Alan Cox
<Culus-> I will be known as Ian Black, Ean can be Ian Red, Netgod Ian Blue,\nChe gets Ian Yellow, CQ is Ian Purple and Joey is Ian Indigo\n-- Some #Debian channel
When a float occurs on the same page as the start of a supertabular you can expect unexpected results.\n-- Documentation of supertabular.sty
From: Ean Schuessler <ean@novare.net> The unrecognized minister of propaganda, E\n-- Debian, joking
* liw prefers not to have Linus run Debian, because then /me would\nhave to run Red Hat, just to keep the power balance :)\n-- #Debian
<\\swing> and if we're playing old distributions... whatever happened to Yggdrasil? :) <joost> \\swing: everybody who tried to pronounce it got their tongue in a knot and choked\n-- #Debian
I'm telling you that the kernel is stable not because it's a kernel, but because I refuse to listen to arguments like this.\n-- Linus Torvalds
> Tut mir Leid, Jost, aber Du bist ein unertraeglicher Troll. Was soll das? Du *beleidigst* die Trolle!\n-- de.comp.os.unix.linux.misc
* dpkg ponders: 'C++' should have been called 'D'\n-- #Debian
<rm_-rf_> The real value of KDE is that they inspired and push the\ndevelopment of GNOME :-)\n-- #Debian
* dpkg hands stu a huge glass of vbeer * Joey takes the beer from stu, you're too young ;) * Cylord takes the beer from Joey, you're too drunk. * Cylord gives the beer to muggles.\n-- #Debian, celebrating the 5th anniversary
<stu> Stupid nick highlighting <stu> Whenever someone starts with "stupid" it highlights the nick.  Hmm.\n-- #Debian
<netgod> And once Diziet/CQ make the formal announcment that LSA\nsucks, we can even reduce the Crisis Level rating and move\non to linuxfoundation.org.\n-- #Debian
* LG loves czech girls. <vincent> LG: do they have additional interesting "features" other girls don't have? ;)\n-- #Debian
The first is to ensure your partner understands that nature has root privileges - nature doesn't have to make sense.\n-- Telsa Gwynne
As to house maintenance, does it involve problem solfing?  If so, your hacker can safely be left to deall with the panning (for the musement value, if nothering ese).\n-- Telsa Gwynne
Remember: While root can do most everything, there are certain privileges that only a partner can grant.\n-- Telsa Gwynne
<Skyhook> Where is 'bavaria' proper?  I thought it was austria.\n-- Seen on #Linux
Day X+4 months: Microsoft ships NT 5.0 for Intel.with a big media\nevent on TV. IBM begins to ship Debian 4.6 as the\nstandard OS on all machines from mainframe to PC\nand announces the move on Slashdot.\n-- Christoph Lameter
How many chunks could checkchunk check if checkchunk could check chunks?\n-- Alan Cox
Q: How does a Unix guru have sex?|A: unzip;strip;touch;finger;mount;fsck;more;yes;umount;sleep\n-- unknown source
Someone on IRC was very sad about the uptime of his machine wrapping from 497 days to 0.\n-- linux-kernel
<doogie> netgod:  8:42pm is not late. <netgod> doogie: its 2:42am in Joeyland\n-- #Debian
We knew from experience that the essence of communal computing, as supplied by remote-access, time-shared machines, is not just to type programs into a terminal instead of a keypunch, but to encourage close communication.\n-- Dennis Ritchie
Could somebody drag the Irix team kicking and screaming into the 1980's, please? I realize it might be quite painful for them, but maybe you could buy them a disco tape, so they'd feel a little bit more at home.\n-- Linus "Stayin' alive, stayin' alive" Torvalds
> <magical +3 sigh of hyperbole deflection> The branden dodges your magical sigh. The branden attacks you with a slew of words! The branden misses!\n-- Henning Makholm in <yahsmr7dk9k.fsf@pc-043.diku.dk>
I don't think 'It's better than hurling yourself into a meat grinder' is a good rationale for doing something.\n-- Andrew Suffield in <20030905221055.GA22354@doc.ic.ac.uk> on debian-devel
< Overfiend> whew. < Overfiend> I really need to get some sleep. < Overfiend> but it sure was fun talking guitars, politics, and lesbians.
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste! (By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)
"Absolutely nothing should be concluded from these figures except that no conclusion can be drawn from them." (By Joseph L. Brothers, Linux/PowerPC Project)
Actually, typing random strings in the Finder does the equivalent of filename completion. (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands: file completion vs. the Mac Finder.)
After watching my newly-retired dad spend two weeks learning how to make a new folder, it became obvious that "intuitive" mostly means "what the writer or speaker of intuitive likes". (Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X the intuitiveness of a Mac interface.)
"All language designers are arrogant.  Goes with the territory..." (By Larry Wall)
And 1.1.81 is officially BugFree(tm), so if you receive any bug-reports on it, you know they are just evil lies." (By Linus Torvalds, Linus.Torvalds@cs.helsinki.fi)
"...and scantily clad females, of course.  Who cares if it's below zero outside" (By Linus Torvalds)
"And the next time you consider complaining that running Lucid Emacs 19.05 via NFS from a remote Linux machine in Paraguay doesn't seem to get the background colors right, you'll know who to thank." (By Matt Welsh)
Anyone who thinks UNIX is intuitive should be forced to write 5000 lines of code using nothing but vi or emacs. AAAAACK! (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially Emacs.)
"Are [Linux users] lemmings collectively jumping off of the cliff of reliable, well-engineered commercial software?" (By Matt Welsh)
As usual, this being a 1.3.x release, I haven't even compiled this kernel yet.  So if it works, you should be doubly impressed. (Linus Torvalds, announcing kernel 1.3.3 on the linux-kernel mailing list.)
Avoid the Gates of Hell.  Use Linux (Unknown source)
Be warned that typing \fBkillall \fIname\fP may not have the desired effect on non-Linux systems, especially when done by a privileged user. (From the killall manual page)
"Besides, I think [Slackware] sounds better than 'Microsoft,' don't you?" (By Patrick Volkerding)
But what can you do with it?  -- ubiquitous cry from Linux-user partner. (Submitted by Andy Pearce, ajp@hpopd.pwd.hp.com)
"By golly, I'm beginning to think Linux really *is* the best thing since sliced bread." (By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
/*\n* Oops. The kernel tried to access some bad page. We'll have to\n* terminate things with extreme prejudice. */ die_if_kernel("Oops", regs, error_code); (From linux/arch/i386/mm/fault.c)
"...Deep Hack Mode--that mysterious and frightening state of consciousness where Mortal Users fear to tread." (By Matt Welsh)
Dijkstra probably hates me (Linus Torvalds, in kernel/sched.c)
DOS: n., A small annoying boot virus that causes random spontaneous system\ncrashes, usually just before saving a massive project.  Easily cured by\nUNIX.  See also MS-DOS, IBM-DOS, DR-DOS. (from David Vicker's .plan)
"Even more amazing was the realization that God has Internet access.  I wonder if He has a full newsfeed?" (By Matt Welsh)
>Ever heard of .cshrc? That's a city in Bosnia.  Right? (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands.)
Fatal Error: Found [MS-Windows] System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux... (By cbbrown@io.org, Christopher Browne)
How do I type "for i in *.dvi do xdvi i done" in a GUI? (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
"How should I know if it works?  That's what beta testers are for.  I only coded it." (Attributed to Linus Torvalds, somewhere in a posting)
----==-- _                     / /  \\n---==---(_)__  __ ____  __    / / /\ \ --==---/ / _ \/ // /\ \/ /   / /_/\ \ \ -=====/_/_//_/\_,_/ /_/\_\  /______\ \ \ A proud member of TeamLinux \_________\/ (By CHaley (HAC), haley@unm.edu, ch008cth@pi.lanl.gov)
I develop for Linux for a living, I used to develop for DOS. Going from DOS to Linux is like trading a glider for an F117. (By entropy@world.std.com, Lawrence Foard)
I did this 'cause Linux gives me a woody.  It doesn't generate revenue. (Dave '-ddt->` Taylor, announcing DOOM for Linux)
Feel free to contact me (flames about my english and the useless of this driver will be redirected to /dev/null, oh no, it's full...). (Michael Beck, describing the PC-speaker sound device)
"I don't know why, but first C programs tend to look a lot worse than first programs in any other language (maybe except for fortran, but then I suspect all fortran programs look like `firsts')" (By Olaf Kirch)
"I once witnessed a long-winded, month-long flamewar over the use of mice vs. trackballs...It was very silly." (By Matt Welsh)
I still maintain the point that designing a monolithic kernel in 1991 is a fundamental error.  Be thankful you are not my student.  You would not get a high grade for such a design :-) (Andrew Tanenbaum to Linus Torvalds)
"I would rather spend 10 hours reading someone else's source code than 10 minutes listening to Musak waiting for technical support which isn't." (By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
"I'd crawl over an acre of 'Visual This++' and 'Integrated Development That' to get to gcc, Emacs, and gdb.  Thank you." (By Vance Petree, Virginia Power)
I've run DOOM more in the last few days than I have the last few months.  I just love debugging ;-) (Linus Torvalds)
if (argc > 1 && strcmp(argv[1], "-advice") == 0) {\nprintf("Don't Panic!\n");\nexit(42);\n} (Arnold Robbins in the LJ of February '95, describing RCS)
+#if defined(__alpha__) && defined(CONFIG_PCI) +       /* +        * The meaning of life, the universe, and everything. Plus +        * this makes the year come out right. +        */ +       year -= 42; +#endif (From the patch for 1.3.2: (kernel/time.c), submitted by Marcus Meissner)
"If the future navigation system [for interactive networked services on the NII] looks like something from Microsoft, it will never work." (Chairman of Walt Disney Television & Telecommunications)
"If you want to travel around the world and be invited to speak at a lot of different places, just write a Unix operating system." (By Linus Torvalds)
"[In 'Doctor' mode], I spent a good ten minutes telling Emacs what I thought of it.  (The response was, 'Perhaps you could try to be less abusive.')" (By Matt Welsh)
In most countries selling harmful things like drugs is punishable. Then howcome people can sell Microsoft software and go unpunished? (By hasku@rost.abo.fi, Hasse Skrifvars)
Intel engineering seem to have misheard Intel marketing strategy. The phrase was "Divide and conquer" not "Divide and cock up" (By iialan@www.linux.org.uk, Alan Cox)
"It's God.  No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God." (By Matt Welsh)
LILO, you've got me on my knees! (from David Black, dblack@pilot.njin.net, with apologies to Derek and the Dominos, and Werner Almsberger)
Linux is obsolete (Andrew Tanenbaum)
"Linux poses a real challenge for those with a taste for late-night hacking (and/or conversations with God)." (By Matt Welsh)
Linux!  Guerrilla UNIX Development     Venimus, Vidimus, Dolavimus. (By mah@ka4ybr.com, Mark A. Horton KA4YBR)
"...[Linux's] capacity to talk via any medium except smoke signals." (By Dr. Greg Wettstein, Roger Maris Cancer Center)
linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste (ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
Linux: Because a PC is a terrible thing to waste. (By komarimf@craft.camp.clarkson.edu, Mark Komarinski)
linux: the choice of a GNU generation (ksh@cis.ufl.edu put this on Tshirts in '93)
"Linux: the operating system with a CLUE... Command Line User Environment". (seen in a posting in comp.software.testing)
lp1 on fire (One of the more obfuscated kernel messages)
Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO (or Linux) is the answer. (Taken from a .signature from someone from the UK, source unknown)
"MSDOS didn't get as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years of careful development." (By dmeggins@aix1.uottawa.ca)
"Never make any mistaeks." (Anonymous, in a mail discussion about to a kernel bug report.)
> No manual is ever necessary. May I politely interject here: BULLSHIT.  That's the biggest Apple lie of all! (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of interfaces.)
Not me, guy. I read the Bash man page each day like a Jehovah's Witness reads the Bible. No wait, the Bash man page IS the bible. Excuse me... (More on confusing aliases, taken from comp.os.linux.misc)
"Note that if I can get you to \"su and say\" something just by asking, you have a very serious security problem on your system and you should look into it." (By Paul Vixie, vixie-cron 3.0.1 installation notes)
Now I know someone out there is going to claim, "Well then, UNIX is intuitive, because you only need to learn 5000 commands, and then everything else follows from that! Har har har!" (Andy Bates in comp.os.linux.misc, on "intuitive interfaces", slightly defending Macs.)
"On a normal ascii line, the only safe condition to detect is a 'BREAK'\n- everything else having been assigned functions by Gnu EMACS." (By Tarl Neustaedter)
"On the Internet, no one knows you're using Windows NT" (Submitted by Ramiro Estrugo, restrugo@fateware.com)
Personally, I think my choice in the mostest-superlative-computer wars has to be the HP-48 series of calculators.  They'll run almost anything.  And if they can't, while I'll just plug a Linux box into the serial port and load up the HP-48 VT-100 emulator. (By jdege@winternet.com, Jeff Dege)
There are no threads in a.b.p.erotica,  so there's no  gain in using a threaded news reader. (Unknown source)
"Problem solving under linux has never been the circus that it is under AIX." (By Pete Ehlke in comp.unix.aix)
quit   When the quit statement is read, the  bc  processor\nis  terminated, regardless of where the quit state-\nment is found.  For example, "if  (0  ==  1)  quit"\nwill cause bc to terminate. (Seen in the manpage for "bc". Note the "if" statement's logic)
Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porsche but only be able to drive backwards with the handbrake on. (Unknown source)
"sic transit discus mundi" (From the System Administrator's Guide, by Lars Wirzenius)
Sigh.  I like to think it's just the Linux people who want to be on the "leading edge" so bad they walk right off the precipice. (Craig E. Groeschel)
The chat program is in public domain. This is not the GNU public license. If it breaks then you get to keep both pieces. (Copyright notice for the chat program)
The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog box and lets you press 'OK' first. (Arno Schaefer's .sig)
The only "intuitive" interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. (Bruce Ediger, bediger@teal.csn.org, in comp.os.linux.misc, on X interfaces.)
There are two types of Linux developers - those who can spell, and those who can't. There is a constant pitched battle between the two. (From one of the post-1.1.54 kernel update messages posted to c.o.l.a)
"...Unix, MS-DOS, and Windows NT (also known as the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)." (By Matt Welsh)
"...very few phenomena can pull someone out of Deep Hack Mode, with two noted exceptions: being struck by lightning, or worse, your *computer* being struck by lightning." (By Matt Welsh)
"Waving away a cloud of smoke, I look up, and am blinded by a bright, white light. It's God. No, not Richard Stallman, or Linus Torvalds, but God. In a booming voice, He says: "THIS IS A SIGN. USE LINUX, THE FREE UNIX SYSTEM FOR THE 386." (Matt Welsh)
"We all know Linux is great...it does infinite loops in 5 seconds." (Linus Torvalds about the superiority of Linux on the Amsterdam Linux Symposium)
We are MicroSoft.  You will be assimilated.  Resistance is futile. (Attributed to B.G., Gill Bates)
We are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated. (seen in someone's .signature)
We are using Linux daily to UP our productivity - so UP yours! (Adapted from Pat Paulsen by Joe Sloan)
We come to bury DOS, not to praise it. (Paul Vojta, vojta@math.berkeley.edu, paraphrasing a quote of Shakespeare)
We use Linux for all our mission-critical applications. Having the source code means that we are not held hostage by anyone's support department. (Russell Nelson, President of Crynwr Software)
"What you end up with, after running an operating system concept through these many marketing coffee filters, is something not unlike plain hot water." (By Matt Welsh)
What's this script do?\nunzip ; touch ; finger ; mount ; gasp ; yes ; umount ; sleep Hint for the answer: not everything is computer-oriented. Sometimes you're in a sleeping bag, camping out. (Contributed by Frans van der Zande.)
`When you say "I wrote a program that crashed Windows", people just stare at you blankly and say "Hey, I got those with the system, *for free*".' (By Linus Torvalds)
"Whip me.  Beat me.  Make me maintain AIX." (By Stephan Zielinski)
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk ?" Microsoft spel chekar vor sail, worgs grate !! (By leitner@inf.fu-berlin.de, Felix von Leitner)
Who wants to remember that escape-x-alt-control-left shift-b puts you into super-edit-debug-compile mode? (Discussion in comp.os.linux.misc on the intuitiveness of commands, especially Emacs.)
Why use Windows, since there is a door? (By fachat@galileo.rhein-neckar.de, Andre Fachat)
"World domination.  Fast" (By Linus Torvalds)
..you could spend *all day* customizing the title bar.  Believe me.  I speak from experience." (By Matt Welsh)
"...you might as well skip the Xmas celebration completely, and instead sit in front of your linux computer playing with the all-new-and-improved linux kernel version." (By Linus Torvalds)
Your job is being a professor and researcher: That's one hell of a good excuse for some of the brain-damages of minix. (Linus Torvalds to Andrew Tanenbaum)
I've heard a Jew and a Muslim argue in a Damascus cafe with less passion than the emacs wars."\n-- Ronald Florence <ron@18james.com> in <ueu1c4mbrc.fsf@auda.18james.com>
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\n-- Mark Twain
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read.\n-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
A horse!  A horse!  My kingdom for a horse!\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered.\n-- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901.
A is for Apple.\n-- Hester Pryne
A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.\n-- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess
A light wife doth make a heavy husband.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his wife asked "What have you got there?"  Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.\n-- Mark Twain
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.\n-- H.L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
All generalizations are false, including this one.\n-- Mark Twain
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.\n-- Samuel Beckett
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."\n-- Mark Twain
All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed.\n-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice"
Always do right.  This will gratify some people and astonish the rest.\n-- Mark Twain
Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.\n-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar."\n-- Mark Twain
An honest tale speeds best being plainly told.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel?
Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't.\n-- Mark Twain
April 1 This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport.\n-- Shakespeare, "King Lear"
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
AWAKE! FEAR! FIRE! FOES! AWAKE!\nFEAR! FIRE! FOES!\nAWAKE! AWAKE!\n-- J. R. R. Tolkien
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.\n-- Mark Twain
Behold, the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket"--which is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention;" but the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and--WATCH THAT BASKET."\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Big book, big bore.\n-- Callimachus
But, for my own part, it was Greek to me.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity.  Another man's, I mean.\n-- Mark Twain
Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities.\n-- Mark Twain
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.\n-- Mark Twain
Condense soup, not books!
Conscience doth make cowards of us all.\n-- Shakespeare
Consider well the proportions of things.  It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Delay not, Caesar.  Read it instantly.\n-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. -- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to I/O system services.]
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first.\n-- Mark Twain
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him.  "Cabbages and potatoes are better for you and me."\n-- J. R. R. Tolkien
English literature's performing flea.\n-- Sean O'Casey on P.G. Wodehouse
Every cloud engenders not a storm.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Every why hath a wherefore.\n-- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors"
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
F.S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway|"Ernest, the rich are different from us." Hemingway: "Yes.  They have more money."
Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion.\n-- Mark Twain
Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children.\n-- Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.\n-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
For a light heart lives long.\n-- Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
For courage mounteth with occasion.\n-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall was a gate.\n-- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to system overview.]
For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel.  And if one can neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one?\n-- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to powerfail recovery.]
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace-- I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. But now I think a thought that brings me hope: Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope.\n-- Justin Richardson.
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.\n-- J.R.R. Tolkien
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with.\n-- Mark Twain
Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar
Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side?  And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?\n-- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn"
Harp not on that string.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.\n-- Mark Twain
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
He hath eaten me out of house and home.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
He is now rising from affluence to poverty.\n-- Mark Twain
He jests at scars who never felt a wound.\n-- Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2"
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.\n-- J.R.R. Tolkien
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
He was part of my dream, of course -- but then I was part of his dream too.\n-- Lewis Carroll
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
How apt the poor are to be proud.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
I do desire we may be better strangers.\n-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.\n-- J. R. R. Tolkien
I dote on his very absence.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.\n-- Mark Twain
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.\n-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.\n-- T.S. Eliot
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.\n-- Mark Twain
I'll burn my books.\n-- Christopher Marlowe
I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; And from that full meridian of my glory I haste now to my setting.  I shall fall, Like a bright exhalation in the evening And no man see me more.\n-- Shakespeare
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.\n-- J.R.R. Tolkien
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.\n-- Oscar Wilde
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.\n-- Ernest Hemingway
If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end.\n-- Mark Twain
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.\n-- Mark Twain
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."\n-- Mark Twain
In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.\n-- Mark Twain
In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they have obtained from books of travel.\n-- Mark Twain
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made school boards.\n-- Mark Twain
In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.\n-- Mark Twain, on New England weather
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important.\n-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
It is a wise father that knows his own child.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits|freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.\n-- Mark Twain
It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition.  There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is often the case that the man who can't tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one day like any other day, only shorter.\n-- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies"
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.\n-- Mark Twain
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Its name is Public Opinion.  It is held in reverence.  It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God.\n-- Mark Twain
Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read.\n-- Mark Twain
Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!".\n-- Shakespeare
Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.\n-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
Let me take you a button-hole lower.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Lord, what fools these mortals be!\n-- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream"
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\n-- Mark Twain
Many a writer seems to think he is never profound except when he can't understand his own meaning.\n-- George D. Prentice
Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very very thin paper.
Many pages make a thick book.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
My only love sprung from my only hate! Too early seen unknown, and known too late!\n-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
Never laugh at live dragons.\n-- Bilbo Baggins [J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Hobbit"]
No group of professionals meets except to conspire against the public at large.\n-- Mark Twain
No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you!  Consider the furniture!\n-- Sherlock Holmes
Noise proves nothing.  Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.\n-- Mark Twain
"Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none."\n-- Shakespeare
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.\n-- Mark Twain
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant.\n-- Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2
October 12, the Discovery. It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks in. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August, and February.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.\n-- Shakespeare
One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Patch griefs with proverbs.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves possess.\n-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.  By Order of the Author\n-- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer"
question = ( to ) ? be : ! be;\n-- Wm. Shakespeare
Reader, suppose you were an idiot.  And suppose you were a member of Congress.  But I repeat myself.\n-- Mark Twain
Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Remark of Dr. Baldwin's concerning upstarts: We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late.\n-- Mark Twain
ROMEO:		Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. MERCUTIO:	No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide\nas a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
Seeing that death, a necessary end, Will come when it will come.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
She is not refined.  She is not unrefined.  She keeps a parrot.\n-- Mark Twain
Small things make base men proud.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
So so is good, very good, very excellent good|and yet it is not; it is but so so.\n-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.\n-- Mark Twain
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.\n-- Shakespeare
Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind.  Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever.\n-- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame"
Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time.  So long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental hooks into, there is room for lateral movement.  Once this begins, its rate is a matter of discretion.\n-- Corwin, Prince of Amber
Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare
Swerve me?  The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, whereon my soul is grooved to run.  Over unsounded gorges, through the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly I rush!\n-- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick"
Talkers are no good doers.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
Tell the truth or trump--but get the trick.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Tempt not a desperate man.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. These signs forerun the death or fall of kings.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard II"
The better part of valor is discretion.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.\n-- Mark Twain
The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug.\n-- Mark Twain
The fashion wears out more apparel than the man.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing"
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.\n-- Mark Twain
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.\n-- Mark Twain
The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first.\n-- Blaise Pascal
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, Are of imagination all compact...\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.\n-- Mark Twain
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow Roman candles.\n-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.\n-- Mark Twain
The Public is merely a multiplied "me."\n-- Mark Twain
The ripest fruit falls first.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.\n-- Mark Twain
The smallest worm will turn being trodden on.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.\n-- Mark Twain
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.\n-- Mark Twain
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.\n-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling somebody out.\n-- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem"
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. "When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."\n-- Mark Twain
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.\n-- Mark Twain
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.\n-- Ernest Hemingway
There's small choice in rotten apples.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy".  Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.\n-- Mark Twain
Things past redress and now with me past care.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.\n-- Arthur Clarke
This night methinks is but the daylight sick.\n-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
This was the most unkindest cut of all.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
To be or not to be.\n-- Shakespeare To do is to be. -- Nietzsche To be is to do. -- Sartre Do be do be do. -- Sinatra
Too much is just enough.\n-- Mark Twain, on whiskey
Training is everything.  The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.\n-- Mark Twain
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.\n-- Mark Twain
Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody.\n-- Mark Twain
We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster.  It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more.\n-- Mark Twain
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?\n-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
What I tell you three times is true.\n-- Lewis Carroll
What no spouse of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened.  It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.\n-- Mark Twain
When in doubt, tell the truth.\n-- Mark Twain
When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes.\n-- Dylan Thomas
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.\n-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.\n-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.\n-- Mark Twain
Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race.  He brought death into the world.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is because we are not the person involved.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.\n-- Mark Twain
Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.\n-- Mark Twain
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.\n-- Gene Fowler
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.\n-- J.P. Donleavy
"You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive."\n-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"\n"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"\n"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.\n"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"\n-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
You may my glories and my state dispose, But not my griefs; still am I king of those.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.\n-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
You never have to change anything you got up in the middle of the night to write.\n-- Saul Bellow
You tread upon my patience.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.\n-- Sherlock Holmes
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.\n-- Samuel Johnson
Zounds!  I was never so bethumped with words since I first called my brother's father dad.\n-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n.\n-- John Milton
"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying.  The absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me Deadpan Allie and lie.\n-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting."\n-- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."\n-- Ronnie Shakes
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.\n-- Samuel Goldwyn
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment.
Cure the disease and kill the patient.\n-- Francis Bacon
Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats.
Dental health is next to mental health.
Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? Simple coincidence? Maybe...
God is dead and I don't feel all too well either....\n-- Ralph Moonen
"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.\n-- Ingrid Bergman
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.\n-- Redd Foxx
His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water.\n-- P.G. Wodehouse
I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise.\n-- Chauncey Depew
I got the bill for my surgery.  Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.\n-- James Boren
"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."\n"Did you ever see a doctor?"\n"No, just spots."
If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.\n-- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble"
If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor.
It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. It produces a false impression.\n-- Oscar Wilde.
It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a sickness you like.\n-- Jackie Mason
It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's what you're taking for it...
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is.
Laetrile is the pits.
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
Neurotics build castles in the sky, Psychotics live in them, And psychiatrists collect the rent.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.\n-- Erma Bombeck
New England Life, of course.  Why do you ask?
Paralysis through analysis.
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week.\n-- Darrell Huff
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.\n-- Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles"
Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself a therapy.\n-- Karl Kraus
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.\n-- C.G. Jung
Psychology.  Mind over matter.  Mind under matter?  It doesn't matter. Never mind.
Pushing 30 is exercise enough.
Pushing 40 is exercise enough.
Quit worrying about your health.  It'll go away.\n-- Robert Orben
Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips.
Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment.
Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something.
Straw?  No, too stupid a fad.  I put soot on warts.
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."\n-- Dave Barry
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of themselves," the old man said, no longer to me.  "But what will become of the bicuspids?"\n-- The Old Man and his Bridge
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
The real reason psychology is hard is that psychologists are trying to do the impossible.
The reason they're called wisdom teeth is that the experience makes you wise.
The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food.
The trouble with heart disease is that the first symptom is often hard to deal with: death.\n-- Michael Phelps
When a lot of remedies are suggested for a disease, that means it can't be cured.\n-- Anton Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard"
1 bulls, 3 cows.
$3,000,000.
40 isn't old.  If you're a tree.
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire.  He was going to make a long-distance caw.
A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine!\n[From the fury of the norsemen deliver us, O Lord!]\n-- Medieval prayer
A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile.
A prediction is worth twenty explanations.\n-- K. Brecher
A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend.  He told the operator, "This is a parson to parson call."
A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny.
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.\n-- Tennessee Williams
A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, and her first name by her mother.  By the time she was ten, didn't know if she was Carmen or Cohen.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.\n-- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo
Adults die young.
Age is a tyrant who forbids, at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth.
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts!
Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany.  It excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude.
All phone calls are obscene.\n-- Karen Elizabeth Gordon
All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.\n-- Grant Wood
Am I ranting?  I hope so.  My ranting gets raves.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...\nIf all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end\nacross the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
AMAZING BUT TRUE ...\nThere is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it\nwould completely cover the Sahara Desert.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways.\n-- Isaac Asimov
... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
And I alone am returned to wag the tail.
Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure.\n-- Milt Barber
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Are we not men?
As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself."
Avec!
BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!!
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.
Batteries not included.
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...)
BE ALOOF!  (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.)
Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
Biggest security gap -- an open mouth.
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
Blue paint today.\n[Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson.  Ed.]
Boy!  Eucalyptus!
Boy, that crayon sure did hurt!
Bushydo -- the way of the shrub.  Bonsai!
"But Huey, you PROMISED!"\n"Tell 'em I lied."
But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come!
By perseverance the snail reached the Ark.\n-- Charles Spurgeon
CF&C stole it, fair and square.\n-- Tim Hahn
Chapter VIII Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.
Confucius say too much.\n-- Recent Chinese Proverb
Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the Year award.
Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Custer committed Siouxicide.
"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches!"\n-- Mom
Death to all fanatics!
Depart in pieces, i.e., split.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
Did I say 2?  I lied.
Did it ever occur to you that fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Did you hear about the model who sat on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure?
Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?
"Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him."\n-- John Barrymore's dying words
Dignity is like a flag.  It flaps in a storm.\n-- Roy Mengot
Dime is money.
Do not underestimate the power of the Force.
Do not use that foreign word "ideals".  We have that excellent native word "lies".\n-- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck"
Do people know you have freckles everywhere?
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
"Do you believe in intuition?"\n"No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will."
Do you have lysdexia?
Do YOU have redeeming social value?
Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle?
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.\n-- Anthony
Don't guess -- check your security regulations.
Don't I know you?
Don't let your status become too quo!
Don't quit now, we might just as well lock the door and throw away the key.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid.
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac; you can always take something for it.
Double!
Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde.
Dr. Livingston? Dr. Livingston I. Presume?
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations.
Drop that pickle!
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.\n-- The Adventurer
Duckies are fun!
Ducks?  What ducks??
Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence.
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.  She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.\nIn another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women who conks to stupor.
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
Dyslexics have more fnu.
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
"Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun."\n-- Jeff Berner
Editing is a rewording activity.
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.\n-- Adlai Stevenson
Events are not affected, they develop.\n-- Sri Aurobindo
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
Every day it's the same thing -- variety.  I want something different.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
Every time you manage to close the door on Reality, it comes in through the window.
Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness.\n-- Beckett
Everything bows to success, even grammar.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".
Everything might be different in the present if only one thing had been different in the past.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful.\n-- Erwin Tomash
Everything you know is wrong!
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.\n-- Aldous Huxley
Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles.\n-- Sven Italla
"Fantasies are free."\n"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!"
Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth.
Fats Loves Madelyn.
Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture on a rock.\n-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
Five bicycles make a volkswagen, seven make a truck.\n-- Adolfo Guzman
Flame on!\n-- Johnny Storm
Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ...
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers.\n-- Titus Lucretius Carus
Force it!!! If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX!
Forest fires cause Smokey Bears.
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month)|Don't Write On Walls!\n(and underneath) You want I should type?
Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week|Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige.
"Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: "of course you know what 'it' means."\n"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm.  The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.\n-- F. Kafka
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.\n-- H.H. Williams
General notions are generally wrong.\n-- Lady M.W. Montagu
Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place to stand, and I will drain the world.
GIVE UP!!!!
Given my druthers, I'd druther not.
Gloffing is a state of mine.
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
Go away, I'm all right.\n-- H.G. Wells' last words.
Go climb a gravity well!
Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world...\n-- Wally Shawn
God is Dead.\n-- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead. -- God Nietzsche is God. -- Dead
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
God isn't dead.  He just doesn't want to get involved.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal.\n-- Samuel Butler
God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now!
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length.
Happy feast of the pig!
Hard reality has a way of cramping your style.\n-- Daniel Dennett
Have at you!
Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you.\n-- Albert Einstein
"Have you lived here all your life?"\n"Oh, twice that long."
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk?
"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions."
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
Hedonist for hire... no job too easy!
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy and repetition.
HELP!  Man trapped in a human body!
HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!\n-- E. E. CUMMINGS
Here there be tygers.
"His eyes were cold.  As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling outside.  Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..."
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..."
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Housework can kill you if done right.\n-- Erma Bombeck
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
How come we never talk anymore?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them.
How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them?
How untasteful can you get?
Huh?
I always wake up at the crack of ice.\n-- Joe E. Lewis
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
I can relate to that.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less.
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path."\n-- Ronald Mabbitt
I don't understand you anymore.
I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
I enjoy the time that we spend together.
I exist, therefore I am paid.
I fear explanations explanatory of things explained.
I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head...
"I found out why my car was humming.  It had forgotten the words."
I hate quotations.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I hate trolls.  Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon.\n-- Willow
I have a terrible headache,  I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell.
I have become me without my consent.
I have more hit points that you can possible imagine.
I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
I hear the sound that the machines make, and feel my heart break, just for a moment.
I hear what you're saying but I just don't care.
I know it all.  I just can't remember it all at once.
I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant.
I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere.
I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes.
I love treason but hate a traitor.\n-- Gaius Julius Caesar
I never did it that way before.
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"\n-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I saw what you did and I know who you are.
I smell a wumpus.
I thought YOU silenced the guard!
I understand why you're confused.  You're thinking too much.\n-- Carole Wallach.
I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located?
I will always love the false image I had of you.
I will make you shorter by the head.\n-- Elizabeth I
I will never lie to you.
I will not forget you.
I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!!
I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly.\n-- John Denver [I saw an eagle fly once.  Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy.  Ed.]
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm glad I was not born before tea.\n-- Sidney Smith (1771-1845)
I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear.\n-- John Foreman
I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you.
I'm not offering myself as an example; every life evolves by its own laws.
I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally.
I'm not proud.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert!
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
I've Been Moved!
I've been there.
I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
Identify your visitor.
Idleness is the holiday of fools.
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."\n-- Paul White
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If God is dead, who will save the Queen?
If God is One, what is bad?\n-- Charles Manson
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive!\n-- Samuel Goldwyn
If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.
If I love you, what business is it of yours?\n-- Johann van Goethe
If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh.\n-- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
If life is merely a joke, the question still remains: for whose amusement?
If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
If the ends don't justify the means, then what does?\n-- Robert Moses
If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.\n-- Doug Larson [Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.]
If the future isn't what it used to be, does that mean that the past is subject to change in times to come?
If the grass is greener on other side of fence, consider what may be fertilizing it.
If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, then this sentence would not be false.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?\n-- Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If we see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's the light of an oncoming train.\n-- Robert Lowell
If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one.\n-- John Galsworthy
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what to say next, would you say it?
If you know the answer to a question, don't ask.\n-- Petersen Nesbit
If you stick your head in the sand, one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked.
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.\n-- Jules de Gaultier
Imagine what we can imagine!\n-- Arthur Rubinstein
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan.
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"\n-- The Kidner Report
In my end is my beginning.\n-- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots
In the war of wits, he's unarmed.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
Include me out.
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Is death legally binding?
Isn't air travel wonderful?  Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the manes of horses.  The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet.
It is a lesson which all history teaches wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances.\n-- Emerson
It is better never to have been born.  But who among us has such luck? One in a million, perhaps.
It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end.\n-- Leonardo da Vinci
It is easier to run down a hill than up one.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.\n-- Hawkwind
It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the future.
It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately.
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was broken ...\n--- James Dent
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly.  It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now.
It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished.
It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools.\n-- Danny Vermin
It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope.
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing.
It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.\n-- Kim Hubbard
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Join the march to save individuality!
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.\n-- Irene Peter
Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours.
Kilroe hic erat!
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle.
Knocked, you weren't in.\n-- Opportunity
Know what I hate most?  Rhetorical questions.\n-- Henry N. Camp
L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.\n-- L. Pasteur
La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
Language is a virus from another planet.\n-- William Burroughs
Laughing at you is like drop-kicking a wounded humming bird.
Lemmings don't grow older, they just die.
Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.\n-- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18)
Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche.\n-- Austen Briggs
Life -- Love It or Leave It.
Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge.\n-- Paul Gauguin
Life is both difficult and time-consuming.
Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut.
Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits?
Life is like a simile.
Life is like an analogy.
Life is not for everyone.
Life would be tolerable but for its amusements.\n-- G.B. Shaw
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Littering is dumb.\n-- Ronald Macdonald
Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!\n-- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature")
Look!  Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past.
Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie...\n-- Stephen Sondheim
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
Lost interest?  It's so bad I've lost apathy.
Love the sea?  I dote upon it -- from the beach.
Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young.\n-- Russell Banks
Madness takes its toll.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self.
Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky.
May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheesy lounge-lizard versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
May your camel be as swift as the wind.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a Thousand Caramels.
Meester, do you vant to buy a duck?
Memory should be the starting point of the present.
Mene, mene, tekel, upharsen.
Metermaids eat their young.
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images.\n-- Jean Cocteau
Moebius strippers never show you their back side.
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.
Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
Most general statements are false, including this one.\n-- Alexander Dumas
Mother Earth is not flat!
Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like.\n-- Arnold Bennett
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people.
My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there.
My, how you've changed since I've changed.
'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. Never odd or even. A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. Madam, I'm Adam. Sit on a potato pan, Otis. Sit on Otis.\n-- The Mad Palindromist
Never be afraid to tell the world who you are.\n-- Anonymous
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
Never volunteer for anything.\n-- Lackland
New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Yourself.  Apply within.
Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Schiller is killer, and Goethe is moethe.
No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings.\n-- William Blake
No guts, no glory.
No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up.
No matter how much you do you never do enough.
No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary for that purpose to keep awake all day.\n-- Nietzsche
No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow.
Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning.
Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable.\n-- M.J. 0'Donnell
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
Nostalgia is living life in the past lane.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.\n-- Spinoza
Nothing can be done in one trip.\n-- Snider
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.\n-- Michel de Montaigne
Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity.\n-- Ebner-Eschenbach
Nothing lasts forever. Where do I find nothing?
NOTICE|-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- (The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.)
Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought."\n-- Shelby Friedman, WSJ.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
O imitators, you slavish herd!\n-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
O.K., fine.
Odets, where is thy sting?\n-- George S. Kaufman
Oh yeah?  Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean.
Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Oh, wow!  Look at the moon!
Once I finally figured out all of life's answers, they changed the questions.
Onward through the fog.
Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am.
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
Our problems are so serious that the best way to talk about them is lightheartedly.
Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now I can remember things that *have* happened before ...
Paranoid Club meeting this Friday.  Now ... just try to find out where!
Pardon me while I laugh.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it.
Phone call for chucky-pooh.
Piece of cake!\n-- G.S. Koblas
Plastic...  Aluminum...  These are the inheritors of the Universe! Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past!\n-- Green Lantern Comics
Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it.
Please remain calm, it's no use both of us being hysterical at the same time.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future.\n-- Niels Bohr
Preserve the old, but know the new.
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.\n-- Ogden Nash
Progress was all right.  Only it went on too long.\n-- James Thurber
Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa.
Pyros of the world... IGNITE !!!
QED.
Quack!\nQuack!! Quack!!
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
Quick!!  Act as if nothing has happened!
Quod erat demonstrandum.\n[Thus it is proven.  For those who wondered WTF QED means.]
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Rainy days and Mondays always get me down.
Reality -- what a concept!\n-- Robin Williams
Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy.\n-- Hans Liepmann
Remember the... the... uhh.....
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good offense!
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on.
Ring around the collar.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Safety Third.
Sailors in ships, sail on!  Even while we died, others rode out the storm.
Sank heaven for leetle curls.
Santa Claus is watching!
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
Save the bales!
Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.
See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause the second one should have seen it.
She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring -- they applaud.
She's genuinely bogus.
"Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart."\n"Oh, yeah?  What's he look like?"\n"Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and paper boots."\n"What's he wanted for?"\n"Rustling."
Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art.
Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves.\n-- Thomas Carlyle
Silence is the only virtue you have left.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Sleep is for the weak and sickly.
Smear the road with a runner!!
Solipsists of the World... you are already united.\n-- Kayvan Sylvan
Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them.  Others are so fast, they don't notice you.
Some parts of the past must be preserved, and some of the future prevented at all costs.
Some people live life in the fast lane.  You're in oncoming traffic.
Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car.\n-- Evan Davis
Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it?
Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh.\n-- Mister Boffo
Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing when I was passing through satisfaction.\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it.
Sometimes, too long is too long.\n-- Joe Crowe
Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known.\n-- Carl Sagan
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
Sorry.  I forget what I was going to say.
Sorry.  Nice try.
Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion.
Stamp out philately.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down.
Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.
Stop me, before I kill again!
Support the Girl Scouts!\n(Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!)
Take it easy, we're in a hurry.
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.\n-- Ken Kesey
Tempt me with a spoon!
Thank you for observing all safety precautions.
That's odd.  That's very odd.  Wouldn't you say that's very odd?
That's what she said.
The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech.\n-- Clifton Fadiman
The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used.\n-- Herbert von Fritzlar
The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.\n-- H.D. Thoreau
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
The difference between this place and yogurt is that yogurt has a live culture.
The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine.
The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender.\n-- Anne Boleyn
The fact that it works is immaterial.\n-- L. Ogborn
... the flaw that makes perfection perfect.
The future isn't what it used to be.  (It never was.)
The future lies ahead.
The future not being born, my friend, we will abstain from baptizing it.\n-- George Meredith
The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses.
The groundhog is like most other prophets; it delivers its message and then disappears.
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop.
"The jig's up, Elman."\n"Which jig?"\n-- Jeff Elman
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it.
The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others.
The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort!
The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble.
The most important things, each person must do for himself.
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because it isn't here.\n-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
The philosopher's treatment of a question is like the treatment of an illness.\n-- Wittgenstein.
The pollution's at that awkward stage.  Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate.\n-- Doug Sneyd
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.\n-- Glaser and Way
The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is cursed.
The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us.
The sheep died in the wool.
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line.
The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick.\n[so say said sentence sextuply...]
The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing.\n-- Judge Harold T. Stone
The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless.\n-- Hosea Ballou
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.\n-- Wavy Gravy
The whole world is a scab.  The point is to pick it constructively.\n-- Peter Beard
The world really isn't any worse.  It's just that the news coverage is so much better.
The world wants to be deceived.\n-- Sebastian Brant
The worst part of valor is indiscretion.
Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly.\n-- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D."
There are no rules for March.  March is spring, sort of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it.
There are three things I always forget.  Names, faces -- the third I can't remember.\n-- Italo Svevo
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.\n-- Lord Thomas Rober Dewar
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish.\n-- Walt Disney
There is always someone worse off than yourself.
There is always something new out of Africa.\n-- Gaius Plinius Secundus
There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands.
There is nothing new except what has been forgotten.\n-- Marie Antoinette
There seems no plan because it is all plan.\n-- C.S. Lewis
There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination.
They finally got King Midas, I hear.  Gild by association.
They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed.
Think big.  Pollute the Mississippi.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think sideways!\n-- Ed De Bono
This is NOT a repeat.
This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.  And now you know why.
This must be morning.  I never could get the hang of mornings.
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.\n-- Douglas Hofstadter
This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have.
This sentence no verb.
Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought is irksome and three minutes is a long time.\n-- A.E. Houseman
Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too late or a little too early for anything you want to do.\n-- Jean-Paul Sartre
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
Time will end all my troubles, but I don't always approve of Time's methods.
Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die.
To generalize is to be an idiot.\n-- William Blake
To love is good, love being difficult.
To see you is to sympathize.
"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?"
Topologists are just plane folks.\nPilots are just plane folks.\nCarpenters are just plane folks.\nMidwest farmers are just plain folks.\nMusicians are just playin' folks.\nWhodunit readers are just Spillane folks. Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
Trouble always comes at the wrong time.
Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of a brand new series of three.
True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of personal futility, and of the beauty of the world.\n-- David Mamet
Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage.
Use a pun, go to jail.
Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time.\n-- Pericles
Wanna buy a duck?
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM!
We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean.\n-- Carl Sagan
We must die because we have known them.\n-- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C.
We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later.
Welcome to the Zoo!
Well thaaaaaaat's okay.
Well, the handwriting is on the floor.\n-- Joe E. Lewis
Well, we'll really have a party, but we've gotta post a guard outside.\n-- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody"
What causes the mysterious death of everyone?
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
"What did you do when the ship sank?"\n"I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore."
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
What excuses stand in your way?  How can you eliminate them?\n-- Roger von Oech
What happens when you cut back the jungle?  It recedes.
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What soon grows old?  Gratitude.\n-- Aristotle
"What time is it?"\n"I don't know, it keeps changing."
What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence.\n-- Wittgenstein
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for something to occur to you.\n-- Robert Frost [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to AST's.]
What!?  Me worry?\n-- Alfred E. Newman
What's all this brouhaha?
What's so funny?
"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"\n-- The Doctor
Whatever became of eternal truth?
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
When does later become never?
When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.\n-- Gen. C. Abrams
When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure?
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.\n-- Billy Sunday
When things go well, expect something to explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal.
When you're down and out, lift up your voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"!
When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to?
When your memory goes, forget it!
Where am I?  Who am I?  Am I?  I
Where will it all end?  Probably somewhere near where it all began.
Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.\n-- Wittgenstein
Which is worse: ignorance or apathy?  Who knows?  Who cares?
Whip it, whip it good!
Who are you?
Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"?\n-- Hattie McDaniel
Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
Who will take care of the world after you're gone?
Why are you so hard to ignore?
Why do seagulls live near the sea?  'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls.
Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments?
Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much?
Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?\n-- Lily Tomlin
Why not go out on a limb?  Isn't that where the fruit is?
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
Without adventure, civilization is in full decay.\n-- Alfred North Whitehead
Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue.\n-- Alfieri
Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction?
Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions?
WRONG!
You auto buy now.
You can cage a swallow, can't you,\nbut you can't swallow a cage, can you? Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy,\nfinds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama!\n-- The Palindromist
You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to?
Zeus gave Leda the bird.
Well, I think we should get some bricks and some bats, and show him the *true* meaning of Christmas!'\n-- Bernice, "Designing Women", 12/2/91.
I used to have nightmares that the Grinch's dog would kidnap me and make me dress up in a halter-top and hot pants and listen to Burl Ives records.\n-- Robin, "Anything But Love", 12/18/91.
[ ] Safeguard this message - it is an important historical document. [ ] Delete after reading -- Subversive Literature. [ ] Ignore and go back to what you were doing.
Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt?\n-- Socrates' last words
A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. Bastinado is about right.  For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest.\n-- Lazarus Long
A 'full' life in my experience is usually full only of other people's demands.
A bore is a man who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself.
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together\n-- Herbert Prochnow
A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.\n-- Victor Hugo
A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern.\n-- Edgar A. Shoaff
A fair exterior is a silent recommendation.\n-- Publilius Syrus
A friend is a present you give yourself.\n-- Robert Louis Stevenson
A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.\n-- Lisa Kirk
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.\n-- John Updike
A man of genius makes no mistakes. His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery.\n-- James Joyce, "Ulysses"
A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he was making a bolt for the door.
A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
A man who turns green has eschewed protein.
A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey.
A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.\n-- Gore Vidal
A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on.\n-- William S. Burroughs
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
"A penny for your thoughts?"\n"A dollar for your death."\n-- The Odd Couple
A person forgives only when they are in the wrong.
A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.
A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest.
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something of yours to press against my heart.\n-- Goethe
A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions.\n-- George Eliot
A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency.\n-- Miguel de Cervantes
A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. A real friend is someone you can use over and over again.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and the real reason.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.\n-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing.\n-- Samuel Butler
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor.\n-- B. Franklin
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
A well-known friend is a treasure.
Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable.
According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never dies.
Adam was but human--this explains it all.  He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden.  The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.\n-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it.
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, then at least be aseptic.
After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best.\n-- Jean Giraudoux
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party?  Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.\n-- P.J. O'Rourke
After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe everything. Just in case.
After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed.  Later she was heard to sing, "Some day my prints will come."
Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain.\n-- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6
Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over!
Al didn't smile for forty years.  You've got to admire a man like that.\n-- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman"
Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself or not.  Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has a beginning and an end.  Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm.\n-- Tom Robbins
All God's children are not beautiful.  Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, to the future.  Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing.\n-- Yoda
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
All men have the right to wait in line.
All men profess honesty as long as they can.  To believe all men honest would be folly.  To believe none so is something worse.\n-- John Quincy Adams
All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get.
All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane.
"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific."\n-- Jane Wagner
All of the animals except man know that the principal business of life is to enjoy it.
All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no.\n-- Susan Sontag
All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism to live beyond its income.\n-- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks"
All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.\n-- Sean O'Casey
All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with our lives."\n-- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell"
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
Always remember that you are unique.  Just like everyone else.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.\n-- Charlie McCarthy
America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person.
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
An evil mind is a great comfort.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy.\n-- Benjamin Stolberg
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.\n-- Henry Ford
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.\n-- Konrad Adenauer
An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.\n-- Albert Camus
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.\n-- Don Marquis
And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big ones.  The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them.  The little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about them, aren't braced against them.\n-- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower"
And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez Addams -- he was good for nothing."\n-- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family
And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it.
And the crowd was stilled.  One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said.  Wide-eyed, the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no clothes!  He is naked!"\n-- "The Emperor's New Clothes"
"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going and making yourself like everybody else.  You feel that, don't you?"  said he, earnestly.\n-- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere"
Anger is momentary madness.\n-- Horace
Anger kills as surely as the other vices.
Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself.\n-- Lazarus Long
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.\n-- Charles McCabe
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know how to lie well.\n-- Samuel Butler
Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that requires a heroism which is transcendent.\n-- Henry Ward Beecher
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.\n-- Leo Rosten, on W.C. Fields
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way -- that is not easy.\n-- Aristotle
Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty.
Apathy Club meeting this Friday.  If you want to come, you're not invited.
"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution"
Appearances often are deceiving.\n-- Aesop
Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 0-2  -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 3-5  -- There is hope for you yet. 6-7  -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 8-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 11+  -- Does suicide seem attractive?
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion.\n-- Oscar Wilde
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."\n-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
As crazy as hauling timber into the woods.\n-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, but you will do them with much more enthusiasm.\n-- The Cowboy
Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of.\n-- J.J. Gibson
Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so.\n-- John Stuart Mill
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his thumb with a hammer.\n-- Marshall Lumsden
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string.
Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.\n-- Socrates
Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations that can't bear inspection.
Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours.\n-- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name"
Be incomprehensible.  If they can't understand, they can't disagree.
Be independent.  Insult a rich relative today.
Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down.\n-- Wilson Mizner
Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are.\n-- Pope St. Gregory I
Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream.
Be self-reliant and your success is assured.
Be valiant, but not too venturous. Let thy attire be comely, but not costly.\n-- John Lyly
Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone.\n-- Redd Foxx
Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more.\n-- Addison H. Hallock
Before destruction a man's heart is haughty, but humility goes before honour.\n-- Psalms 18:12
Being popular is important.  Otherwise people might not like you.
Being ugly isn't illegal.  Yet.
Better by far you should forget and smile than that you should remember and be sad.\n-- Christina Rossetti
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.
Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question.
"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us.  "He is full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way."\n-- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle"
BEWARE!  People acting under the influence of human nature.
Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues.
Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want.
Blessed are the forgetful:  for they get the better even of their blunders.\n-- Nietzsche
Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded to say it.\n-- James Russell Lowell
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.\n-- W.C. Bennett
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.\n-- Alexander Pope
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, for he shall enjoy living.\n-- W.C. Bennett
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.\n-- George Eliot
Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding.\n-- Ralph Lewin
Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers.  There is, indeed, no wild beast more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if brusque, your character.\n-- Jonathan Swift
Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang.
But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green!
"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast to the nearest gas station."
But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?\n-- M. Proust
By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task completely overwhelm you.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.\n-- Confucius
Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people!\n-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
Can you buy friendship?  You not only can, you must.  It's the only way to obtain friends.  Everything worthwhile has a price.\n-- Robert J. Ringer
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, But it's very funny -- did you ever try buying them without money?\n-- Ogden Nash
Character is what you are in the dark!\n-- Lord John Whorfin
Charlie Brown:	Why was I put on this earth? Linus:		To make others happy. Charlie Brown:	Why were others put on this earth?
Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- without having asked any clear question.
Class, that's the only thing that counts in life.  Class. Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead.\n-- "Bugsy" Siegel
Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're leading the parade.\n-- Bill Battie
Clones are people two.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Coming together is a beginning;\nkeeping together is progress;\nworking together is success.
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds.  A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.\n-- Clive James
Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.\n-- Josh Billings
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.\n-- Albert Einstein
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.\n-- Descartes, 1637
Conceit causes more conversation than wit.\n-- LaRouchefoucauld
Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.\n-- Josh Billings
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is good for dandruff.\n-- Peter de Vries
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for the reputation.\n-- Lord Thomas Dewar
Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you fall flat on your face.\n-- Dr. L. Binder
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative.
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.\n-- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking.\n-- H.L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy"
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you wish you weren't.
Convention is the ruler of all.\n-- Pindar
Conversation enriches the understanding, but solitude is the school of genius.
Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the line-up.\n-- Raymond Chandler
Correction does much, but encouragement does more.\n-- Goethe
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Courage is grace under pressure.
Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll say it was obvious all along.\n-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing.
Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube.
Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship.\n-- Zeuxis
Dare to be naive.\n-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Dave Mack:	"Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." Allen Gwinn:	"Yours is."
Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may have to eat them.
Death rays don't kill people, people kill people!!
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.\n-- Bill Musselman
Delay is preferable to error.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead.\n-- Euripides
Distance doesn't make you any smaller, but it does make you part of a larger picture.
Do clones have navels?
Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more.
Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you.  Their tastes may not be the same.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each day as it comes.\n-- Donald Kaul
Do you mean that you not only want a wrong answer, but a certain wrong answer?\n-- Tobaben
Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't change the reason, just change the excuses!\n-- Joe Cointment
Don't confuse things that need action with those that take care of themselves.
Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.\n-- Josh Billings
Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back.
Don't expect people to keep in step--it's hard enough just staying in line.
Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.
Don't interfere with the stranger's style.
Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted.\n-- Miguel de Cervantes
Don't remember what you can infer.\n-- Harry Tennant
Don't say "yes" until I finish talking.\n-- Darryl F. Zanuck
Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side.
Don't shout for help at night.  You might wake your neighbors.\n-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good.  I know better.  The things I worry about don't happen.\n-- Watchman Examiner
Don't tell me what you dreamed last night for I've been reading Freud.
Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it.\n-- Lazarus Long
Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes.  I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.\n-- Zaphod Beeblebrox
Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.\n-- The Old Farmer's Almanac
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas.  If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats.\n-- Howard Aiken
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely want to help you could agree with each other?
Dorothy:	But how can you talk without a brain? Scarecrow:	Well, I don't know... but some people without brains\ndo an awful lot of talking.\n-- The Wizard of Oz
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.\n-- Voltaire
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
Early to bed and early to rise and you'll be groggy when everyone else is wide awake.
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors.\n-- Onasander
Etiquette is for those with no breeding; fashion for those with no taste.
Even a hawk is an eagle among crows.
Even God lends a hand to honest boldness.\n-- Menander
Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me.\n-- Aristophanes
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.\n-- Will Rogers
Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess.
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.\n-- Frank Moore Colby
Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse.\n-- Miguel de Cervantes
Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.\n-- Schopenhauer
Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory.
Everybody has something to conceal.\n-- Humphrey Bogart
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.\n-- Dykstra
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Everyone is a genius.  It's just that some people are too stupid to realize it.
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
Everyone is more or less mad on one point.\n-- Rudyard Kipling
Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes to get them.\n-- Dirty Harry
Everyone was born right-handed.  Only the greatest overcome it.
Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees.
Evil is that which one believes of others.  It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.\n-- H.L. Mencken
Example is not the main thing in influencing others.  It is the only thing.\n-- Albert Schweitzer
Excess on occasion is exhilarating.  It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.\n-- W. Somerset Maugham
Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what is wrong with it.
Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you.\n-- Aldous Huxley
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something.\n-- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing"
Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.\n-- Victor Hugo
Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed.\n-- Josh Billings
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.\n-- Harrison
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.\n-- R. Clopton
For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.\n-- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul)
"For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."\n"Whose?"\n"MINE! HA-HA!"
For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble|and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust.\n-- Sir Thomas More
For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.\n-- Clifton Fadiman
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they will like.
For perfect happiness, remember two things|(1) Be content with what you've got.\n(2) Be sure you've got plenty.
For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."\n-- Johnny Carson
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2\nIf at first you don't succeed, think how many people\nyou've made happy.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21\nShall I compare thee to a Summer day?\nNo, I guess not.
Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6\n"But, soft!  What light through yonder window breaks?"\nIt's nothing, honey.  Go back to sleep.
Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on tombstones, women and competitors.\n-- Lord Thomas Dewar
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.\n-- Thomas Jones
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.\n-- Honore DeBalzac
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles.
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.\n-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, but quickly to their misfortunes.\n-- Chilo
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
God must love the common man; He made so many of them.
Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.\n-- La Rouchefoucauld
Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience comes from bad judgement.\n-- Jim Horning
Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion.\n-- Joseph Alsop
Great minds run in great circles.
Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent.
Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives.\n-- Maurice Chevalier
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.
Hate is like acid.  It can damage the vessel in which it is stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured.
Hate the sin and love the sinner.\n-- Mahatma Gandhi
Have no friends not equal to yourself.\n-- Confucius
Having no talent is no longer enough.\n-- Gore Vidal
He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation perfectly delightful.\n-- Sydney Smith
He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope of ever behaving "normally."\n-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72"
He hadn't a single redeeming vice.\n-- Oscar Wilde
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.\n-- John LeCarre
He is considered a most graceful speaker who can say nothing in the most words.
He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others.\n-- Samuel Johnson
He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, once when it's explained, and once when he understands it.
He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered.\n-- Ring Lardner
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.\n-- Andrew Lang
He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain had fallen to the ground.\n-- The Book of Serenity
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon.
He who minds his own business is never unemployed.
He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned.\n-- Sinbad
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.\n-- M.C. Escher
He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be there... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.\n-- Peter Drucker
Hi!  I'm Larry.  This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother Jimbo.  We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants.
Higgins:	Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. Doolittle:	A little of both, Guv'nor.  Like the rest of us, a\nlittle of both.\n-- Shaw, "Pygmalion"
Hindsight is always 20:20.\n-- Billy Wilder
Hindsight is an exact science.
His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler.
His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice.\n-- Foghorn Leghorn
History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second time as bedroom farce.
History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time.
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.\n-- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man"
Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a cage is to a cockatoo.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper.\n-- Francis Bacon
Hope is a waking dream.\n-- Aristotle
Hope not, lest ye be disappointed.\n-- M. Horner
How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?\n-- A. Cooper
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many "coming men" has one known!  Where on earth do they all go to?\n-- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner ... sulking and nausea.\n-- Tom K. Ryan
Human kind cannot bear very much reality.\n-- T.S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton"
Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and immature.\n-- Tom Robbins
Humans are communications junkies.  We just can't get enough.\n-- Alan Kay
Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people.\n-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
I allow the world to live as it chooses, and I allow myself to live as I choose.
I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their good intellects.  Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
I always pass on good advice.  It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any good to oneself.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband"
I always say beauty is only sin deep.\n-- Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat"
I am an optimist.  It does not seem too much use being anything else.\n-- Winston Churchill
I am firm.  You are obstinate.  He is a pig-headed fool.\n-- Katharine Whitehorn
I am looking for a honest man.\n-- Diogenes the Cynic
"I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."\n-- Winston Churchill
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
I call them as I see them.  If I can't see them, I make them up.\n-- Biff Barf
I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't.\n-- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body"
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.\n-- A.J. Liebling
I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." It isn't that I can't toddle.  It's that I can't guess I'll toddle.\n-- Robert Benchley
I can't stand squealers; hit that guy.\n-- Albert Anastasia
I can't understand it.  I can't even understand the people who can understand it.\n-- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas.  I'm frightened of the old ones.\n-- John Cage
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.\n-- Lillian Hellman
I consider the day misspent that I am not either charged with a crime, or arrested for one.\n-- "Ratsy" Tourbillon
I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired.  But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.\n-- Rita Gain
"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it."
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES!
I do not know myself and God forbid that I should.\n-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted.  Mythology comes nearest to it of any.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much more concerned to know what his grandson will be.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game.\n-- Cash McCall
I don't mind arguing with myself.  It's when I lose that it bothers me.\n-- Richard Powers
I don't remember it, but I have it written down.
"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital.  On the other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out."
"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down to the sea and drown yourselves." "How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why you human beings don't."\n-- James Thurber
I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore.
I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.\n-- Mae West
I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who?\n-- Beauregard Bugleboy
I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals.\n-- Butch Cassidy
I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of other people... Certainty is just an emotion.\n-- Hal Clement
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.\n-- Samuel Johnson
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.\n-- Lenny Bruce
I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable to sit still in a room.\n-- Blaise Pascal
I have found little that is good about human beings.  In my experience most of them are trash.\n-- Sigmund Freud
I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it.\n-- Edgar Allan Poe
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind.\n-- Kahlil Gibran
I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming that I have never made one.\n-- James Gordon Bennett
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself.  To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin.\n-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better take one along that worked.\n-- Raymond Chandler
I love mankind ... It's people I hate.\n-- Schulz
"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but don't let appearances fool you.  I'm approaching old age ... at the speed of light."\n-- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk
I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up!
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
I never killed a man that didn't deserve it.\n-- Mickey Cohen
I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.\n-- Alexandre Dumas, fils
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.\n-- William F. Buckley
"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."\n-- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning Points in l'Amour"
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability.\n-- Oscar Wilde
I think I'm schizophrenic.  One half of me's paranoid and the other half's out to get him.
I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of the quest.\n-- Madeleine Gobeil
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.  Then I realized who was telling me this.\n-- Emo Phillips
I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you.
I will follow the good side right to the fire, but not into it if I can help it.\n-- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne
I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd listen to it!\n-- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ.\n-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up"
I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me.
I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't that good.\n-- Amy Gorin
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you.
I'm sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
I'm successful because I'm lucky.   The harder I work, the luckier I get.
I've already told you more than I know.
I've found my niche.  If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was this little hole in the bottom ...\n-- John Croll
I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes on the same day.
"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"\n-- Senator Claghorn
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed.\n-- Thomas Wolfe
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.\n-- George Winters
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination.
If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?\n-- Marvin Kitman
If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God.
If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top?\n-- Jerry Muscha
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.\n-- Mary Wilson Little
If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants.\n-- A. Einstein.
If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young"
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without having to accomplish anything.
If only you had a personality instead of an attitude.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.\n-- Albert Einstein
If people see that you mean them no harm, they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten!
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't.
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations.\n-- Reverend Chichester
If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it.\n-- Edward A. Murphy Jr.
If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word.
If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you.
"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage."
If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us with alarm clocks.
If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it?\n-- Ann Edwards-Duff
If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, your honesty is corrupt.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation.
If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me.\n-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
If you cannot in the long run tell everyone what you have been doing, your doing was worthless.\n-- Edwim Schrodinger
If you continually give you will continually have.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you didn't have most of your friends, you wouldn't have most of your problems.
If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else.\n-- Carlyle
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't do it, you'll never know what would have happened if you had done it.
If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will?
If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours.\n-- Clarence Day
If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter.\n-- Freeman Dyson
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!
If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it.\n-- Calvin Coolidge
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed.
If you float on instinct alone, how can you calculate the buoyancy for the computed load?\n-- Christopher Hodder-Williams
If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, so as not to disturb those around you.
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.\n-- A.J. Liebling, "The Press"
If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of rubbish into it.\n-- William Orton
If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?\n-- Garrison Keillor
If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life.\n-- Robert Pante, fashion consultant
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.\n-- Schmidt
If you notice that a person is deceiving you, they must not be deceiving you very well.
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.\n-- Thomas Szasz
If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.\n-- Arthur Kasspe
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law.
If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and heartbeats.
If you would understand your own age, read the works of fiction produced in it.  People in disguise speak freely.
If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
If you're constantly being mistreated, you're cooperating with the treatment.
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.\n-- Henny Youngman
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli
In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak?\n-- Plato
In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
In most instances, all an argument proves is that two people are present.
In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing.\n-- Alan Kay
In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not displeasing to us.\n-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
In this world some people are going to like me and some are not.  So, I may as well be me.  Then I know if someone likes me, they like me.
In this world there are only two tragedies.  One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one likes oneself.\n-- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect"
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up.\n-- Bernard Cooke
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
It has been said that man is a rational animal.  All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.\n-- Bertrand Russell
It is all right to hold a conversation, but you should let go of it now and then.\n-- Richard Armour
It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.\n-- Jerome K. Jerome
It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness.
It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.\n-- Henry Allen
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig.\n-- George Santayana
It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted.\n-- Aeschylus
It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he holds back one who is hastening.  Rather one should befriend the guest who is there, but speed him when he wishes.\n-- Homer, "The Odyssey" [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when referring to scheduling.]
It is exactly because a man cannot do a thing that he is a proper judge of it.\n-- Oscar Wilde
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.\n-- Miss Manners
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.\n-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is indeed desirable to be well descended, but the glory belongs to our ancestors.\n-- Plutarch
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli
It is not enough to have a good mind. The main thing is to use it well.\n-- Rene Descartes
It is not enough to have great qualities, we should also have the management of them.\n-- La Rochefoucauld
It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way.\n-- Proverbs 19:2
It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.\n-- Grace Murray Hopper
It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it.\n-- Cervantes
It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their dignity.
It is only the great men who are truly obscene.  If they had not dared to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.\n-- Havelock Ellis
It is the business of little minds to shrink.\n-- Carl Sandburg
It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set an house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs.\n-- Francis Bacon
It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour.\n-- Francis Bacon
It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.\n-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face.
It takes all kinds to fill the freeways.\n-- Crazy Charlie
It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder.
It takes less time to do a thing right than it does to explain why you did it wrong.\n-- H.W. Longfellow
It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear.
It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant examples.\n-- Charles Dickens
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's amazing how many people you could be friends with if only they'd make the first approach.
It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired.
It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away.\n-- Michael Arlen
It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, but why do the rats always have to win?
It's better to be quotable than to be honest.\n-- Tom Stoppard
It's better to be wanted for murder that not to be wanted at all.\n-- Marty Winch
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, even if most of them are bad.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
It's hard to keep your shirt on when you're getting something off your chest.
It's interesting to think that many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess.\n-- Roger Noe
It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, society will take full responsibility for you.
It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten.
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't going to get hit.\n-- Joey
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"\n-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt of all the others, and then do what's best.\n-- Lovers and Other Strangers
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a faster rat!!
Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven!\n-- Michael J. Wagner
Keep cool, but don't freeze.\n-- Hellman's Mayonnaise
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; Open it and you remove all doubt.
Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest.
Lack of money is the root of all evil.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Last guys don't finish nice.\n-- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.\n-- Victor Borge
Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.\n-- Publilius Syrus
Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them.\n-- James Thurber
Let's do it.\n-- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.\n-- Charles Baudelaire
Life is a series of rude awakenings.\n-- R.V. Winkle
Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else.\n-- Clarence Darrow
Life is an exciting business, and most exciting when it is lived for others.
Life is like bein' on a mule team.  Unless you're the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same.
"Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people"\n-- Blore
Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.\n-- Charles D'Hericault
Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.\n-- Louise Beal
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to.
Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge.\n-- Benjamin Franklin
Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable.\n-- Bergan Evans
Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood.\n-- Daniel Hudson Burnham
Man belongs wherever he wants to go.\n-- Wernher von Braun
Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it.\n-- Fred Allen
Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.\n-- Lily Tomlin
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them.\n-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; for he is the only animal that is struck with the difference between what things are and what they ought to be.\n-- William Hazlitt
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.\n-- Albert Einstein
Man's horizons are bounded by his vision.
Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in.\n-- Sydney J. Harris
Many a family tree needs trimming.
Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind.\n-- Finley Peter Dunne
Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice which will recommend that they do what they want to do.
Many people are secretly interested in life.
Many people feel that if you won't let them make you happy, they'll make you suffer.
Many people feel that they deserve some kind of recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
Many receive advice, few profit by it.\n-- Publilius Syrus
'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.
May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three.\n-- Lazarus Long
"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes."
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, and speech only to conceal their thoughts.\n-- Voltaire
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.\n-- Susan Ertz
Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine.
Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; it's lovely to be silly at the right moment.\n-- Horace
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue.\n-- J.K. Galbraith
More are taken in by hope than by cunning.\n-- Vauvenargues
More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice.\n-- R.S. Surtees
Most of our lives are about proving something, either to ourselves or to someone else.
Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking difficulties before we get to them.\n-- Dr. Frank Crane
Most of your faults are not your fault.
Most people are too busy to have time for anything important.
Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the moon.\n-- H.L. Mencken
Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries.
Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently than they do.\n-- Turgenev
Most people deserve each other.\n-- Shirley
Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained only by the disinclination of others to listen.  Reserve is an artificial quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs.\n-- W.S. Maugham
Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only.
Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- a good reason, and the real reason.
Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, at best, reformed or potential lunatics.\n-- Susan Sontag
Most people need some of their problems to help take their mind off some of the others.
Most people prefer certainty to truth.
Mother told me to be good but she's been wrong before.
Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot talk about after dinner.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray"
My brain is my second favorite organ.\n-- Woody Allen
My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity.\n-- G.B. Shaw
My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.\n-- Woody Allen, on Epistemology
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's.\n-- Oscar Wilde
My philosophy is: Don't think.\n-- Charles Manson
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so.
Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference.
Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut.
Never explain.  Your friends do not need it and your enemies will never believe you anyway.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning.\n-- Marlo Thomas
Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry.
Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you.
Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose.
Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river.
Never kick a man, unless he's down.
Never leave anything to chance; make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt.
Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on that subject.\n-- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth.
Nezvannyi gost'--khuzhe tatarina.\n[An uninvited guest is worse than the Mongol invasion]\n-- Russian proverb
Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.\n-- Foghorn Leghorn
No character, however upright, is a match for constantly reiterated attacks, however false.\n-- Alexander Hamilton
No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that he will not become a nuisance after three days.\n-- Titus Maccius Plautus
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
No man is useless who has a friend, and if we are loved we are indispensable.\n-- Robert Louis Stevenson
No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next.\n-- E.W. Howe
No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would.
No one becomes depraved in a moment.\n-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a dirty little beast.\n-- W.S. Gilbert
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.\n-- Eleanor Roosevelt
No one can put you down without your full cooperation.
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
No one knows what he can do till he tries.\n-- Publilius Syrus
No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars.\n-- Quintus Ennius
No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the one who's giving it.\n-- Hal Chadwick
No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth.\n-- Quintus Ennius
Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.
Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.\n-- Kin Hubbard
Nobody knows the trouble I've been.
Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears.\n-- Roy Harper
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. Conscience makes egotists of us all.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at which the hearer is permitted to laugh.\n-- Quentin Crisp
O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.
Objects are lost only because people look where they are not rather than where they are.
Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Oh this age!  How tasteless and ill-bred it is.\n-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
Oh wearisome condition of humanity! Born under one law, to another bound.\n-- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill.
Old age is always fifteen years old than I am.\n-- B. Baruch
Old age is the harbor of all ills.\n-- Bion
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.\n-- Trotsky
Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity.
Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for their inability to set a bad example.\n-- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims"
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.\n-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar.\n-- Helen Keller
One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it.
One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, a rivalry of aim.\n-- Henry Brook Adams
One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.\n-- Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
One is often kept in the right road by a rut.\n-- Gustave Droz
One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true.
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.\n-- Clifton Fadiman
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
One of the large consolations for experiencing anything unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it.\n-- Joyce Carol Oates
One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they need no answer.\n-- George Gordon, Lord Byron
One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself.
One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, because they bite.\n-- Vladimir Il'ich Lenin
Only a fool has no doubts.
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.\n-- Laurence Peter
Only fools are quoted.\n-- Anonymous
Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we".\n-- Mark Twain
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core.\n-- Hannah Arendt
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.\n-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made.\n-- Immanuel Kant
Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you.
Paranoia is heightened awareness.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\n-- D.J. Hicks
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.\n-- Eric Hoffer
Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers
People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry.
People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects.
People don't change; they only become more so.
People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three times, four time, five times...
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
People need good lies.  There are too many bad ones.\n-- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
People respond to people who respond.
People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they *know* me there!\n-- D.L. Roth
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out on the pleasure.\n-- Russell Baker
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes.\n-- Abigail Van Buren
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking advantage of them.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.\n-- Ogden Nash
People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything.
People who push both buttons should get their wish.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold baths.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they did yesterday.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perhaps the world's second worst crime is boredom.  The first is being a bore.\n-- Cecil Beaton
Personifiers of the world, unite!  You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!\n-- Bernadette Bosky
Please don't put a strain on our friendship by asking me to do something for you.
Please don't recommend me to your friends-- it's difficult enough to cope with you alone.
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which side I'm on.
Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking.\n-- Mary Poppins
Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!
Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.\n-- G.B. Shaw
Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion.
Put your trust in those who are worthy.
Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are.\n-- Oscar Wilde
"Quite frankly, I don't like you humans.  After what you all have done, I find being 'inhuman' a compliment."\n-- Spider Robinson, "Callahan's Secret"
Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking.
Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest"
... relaxed in the manner of a man who has no need to put up a front of any kind.\n-- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy"
Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.\n-- Dave Butler
Revenge is a form of nostalgia.
Revenge is a meal best served cold.
Rincewind looked down at him and grinned slowly.  It was a wide, manic, and utterly humourless rictus.  It was the sort of grin that is normally accompanied by small riverside birds wandering in and out, picking scraps out of the teeth.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Lure of the Wyrm"
Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.
Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent.\n-- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi"
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line.
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.\n-- Mark Harrold
Say no, then negotiate.\n-- Helga
Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies.
Scenery is here, wish you were beautiful.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist.  I mean, kind of ... in a way ..."
Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share.\n-- Graham Greene
Serenity through viciousness.
Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?\n-- J.M. Barrie
Shame is an improper emotion invented by pietists to oppress the human race.\n-- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria"
She often gave herself very good advice (though she very seldom followed it).\n-- Lewis Carroll
Short people get rained on last.
Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response.
Sin boldly.\n-- Martin Luther
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily.  All other "sins" are invented nonsense.  (Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid).\n-- Lazarus Long
Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive.\n-- John Sloan
Since we're all here, we must not be all there.\n-- Bob "Mountain" Beck
Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever.
So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist.\n-- T.S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.\n-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear lest she should catch a cold on overexposure.\n-- Samuel Butler
Some of the things that live the longest in peoples' memories never really happened.
Some people around here wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit them on the head.
Some people cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk."
Some people have parts that are so private they themselves have no knowledge of them.
Some people's mouths work faster than their brains.  They say things they haven't even thought of yet.
Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.
Someone will try to honk your nose today.
Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli
Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the world.\n-- Robert Stone
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.\n-- Lily Tomlin
Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.\n-- David Letterman
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman.\n-- Dave Millman
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.\n-- W.C. Fields
Start the day with a smile.  After that you can be your nasty old self again.
Stay together, drag each other down.
Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth.  Say, do you have a map to the next joint?
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
Stupidity is its own reward.
Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative.
Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.
Success is a journey, not a destination.
Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.
Success is in the minds of Fools.\n-- William Wrenshaw, 1578
Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have made of things.\n-- T.S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion"
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
Such a fine first dream! But they laughed at me; they said I had made it up.
Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity.
Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.\n-- Donald Kaul
Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average.
Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far.\n-- Jean Cocteau
Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy.
Take a lesson from the whale; the only time he gets speared is when he raises to spout.
Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.\n-- Euripides
Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar.\n-- B. Franklin
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Tell me what to think!!!
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?\n-- A. Hope
"That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver"\n-- Foghorn Leghorn
That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all.\n-- Moliere
That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee.
That's always the way when you discover something new; everyone thinks you're crazy.\n-- Evelyn E. Smith
The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that he is already degraded.\n-- George Orwell
The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can.\n-- Albertano of Brescia
The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero.
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just terrible.\n-- Jean Kerr
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal.\n-- Blair
The best portion of a good man's life, his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love.\n-- Wordsworth
The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are drifting side by side to our common doom.\n-- Clarence Darrow
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect.
The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing and humiliating reality.\n-- Oscar Wilde
The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days.
The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you.  That's normal -- they are.  Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring.\n-- J. Kegler
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following|Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a rabbit on the road.  Being sentimental is when the same driver, when swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian.\n-- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague"
The discerning person is always at a disadvantage.
The distinction between true and false appears to become increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language.\n-- Arne Tiselius
The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe because it lives in a forest.  Likewise the friendship of persons rests on mutual help.\n-- Laukikanyay.
The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend of both parties tactfully interferes.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it is your move.\n-- Frank Crane
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.\n-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves.\n-- Arthur Binstead
The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none.
The greatest remedy for anger is delay.
The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on the train for home.
The hatred of relatives is the most violent.\n-- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117)
... the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day.
The help people need most urgently is help in admitting that they need help.
The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange protein -- it rejects it.\n-- P. Medawar
The human race never solves any of its problems.  It merely outlives them.\n-- David Gerrold
The idle mind knows not what it is it wants.\n-- Quintus Ennius
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
The kind of danger people most enjoy is the kind they can watch from a safe place.
The knowledge that makes us cherish innocence makes innocence unattainable.\n-- Irving Howe
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.\n-- Fred Allen
The Lord prefers common-looking people.  That is the reason that He makes so many of them.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The major advances in civilization are processes that all but wreck the societies in which they occur.\n-- A.N. Whitehead
The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas.\n-- H.G. Wells, "Time After Time"
The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.\n-- Carl Jung
The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't.
The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same being who produces the impressions.\n-- Marquis D.A.F. de Sade
The more I know men the more I like my horse.
The more I see of men the more I admire dogs.\n-- Mme De Sevigne, 1626-1696
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does not approach what your best friends say behind your back.\n-- Alfred De Musset
The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.\n-- Lucille S. Harper
The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.\n-- H.L. Mencken
The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.\n-- Oscar Wilde
The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on.  It is never any use to oneself.\n-- Oscar Wilde
The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge and guilt.\n-- Elvis Costello
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy pavement.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.\n-- Oscar Wilde
The opposite of talking isn't listening.  The opposite of talking is waiting.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies"
The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me".
The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.
The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad trying to stop yourself going mad.  You might just as well give in and save your sanity for later.
... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in charity we can only call "inhuman."\n-- R. A. Lafferty
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.\n-- Elizabeth Taylor
The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper thoughts about their neighbours.\n-- F.H. Bradley
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself.  Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.  This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
The second best policy is dishonesty.
The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody.
The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends.\n-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
The strong give up and move away, while the weak give up and stay.
The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have yet to learn\n-- only the savage fears what he does not understand. -- The Silver Surfer
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.\n-- Nietzsche
The things that interest people most are usually none of their business.
The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 2. Is it amusing?  3. Does it know its place?\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.\n-- Sid Caesar
The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides.\n-- Andre Malraux
The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me.\n-- Miguel de Cervantes
The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones.\n-- Nathaniel Howe
The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward.
The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle.
The wise man seeks everything in himself; the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else.
The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf.
The wonderful thing about a dancing bear is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all.
The world is full of people who have never, since childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind.\n-- E.B. White
The world needs more people like us and fewer like them.
The worst cliques are those which consist of one man.\n-- G.B. Shaw
The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst."\n-- King Lear
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.\n-- Bette Midler
The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity.\n-- G.B. Shaw
The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they are sober.\n-- William Butler Yeats
The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.\n-- David Viscott
There are few people more often in the wrong than those who cannot endure to be thought so.
There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal friend.  They may know something that we don't.  They are probably avoiding a great deal of pain.
There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing.\n-- Eugene Ionesco
There are no emotional victims, only volunteers.
There are no great men, buster.  There are only men.\n-- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful"
There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.\n-- Admiral William Halsey
There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly.\n-- Helen Rowland
There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the truth without lying.\n-- Josh Billings
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad.  The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.\n-- Woody Allen
There comes a time to stop being angry.\n-- A Small Circle of Friends
There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation.  If you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else.\n--Robert Louis Stevenson: Immortelles
There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
There is brutality and there is honesty.  There is no such thing as brutal honesty.
There is no delight the equal of dread.  As long as it is somebody else's.\n--Clive Barker
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
There is no statute of limitations on stupidity.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is no such thing as inner peace.  There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour.\n-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh.\n-- Gaius Valerius Catullus
There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who comes to visit.
There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.\n-- Colm Brogan
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those who do not.\n-- Robert Benchley
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness.  Too bad it's not a fence.
There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot.
There's no saint like a reformed sinner.
There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it.
Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause.\n-- Machiavelli
They also serve who only stand and wait.\n-- John Milton
They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea.\n-- Francis Bacon
"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!"
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really.  They'd be difficult to like."\n-- Avon
Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself.\n-- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune"
This generation doesn't have emotional baggage.  We have emotional moving vans.\n-- Bruce Feirstein
This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his mother's side.  I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry often have little else to sustain them.  Humoring them costs nothing and adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply.\n-- Lazarus Long
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee.\n-- W.S. Krabill
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.\n-- George Santayana
Those who don't know, talk.  Those who don't talk, know.
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
To any truly impartial person, it would be obvious that I am always right.
To be great is to be misunderstood.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To be is to be related.\n-- C.J. Keyser.
To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved.
To be who one is, is not to be someone else.
To be wise, the only thing you really need to know is when to say "I don't know."
To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
To criticize the incompetent is easy; it is more difficult to criticize the competent.
To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two.\n-- Norman Douglas
To keep your friends treat them kindly; to kill them, treat them often.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
To refuse praise is to seek praise twice.
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do.
Too clever is dumb.\n-- Ogden Nash
Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.\n-- Henrik Tikkanen
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy.
Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.\n-- Alan Watts
Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag.  Let me, then, straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity.\n-- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas"
Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.\n-- e.e. cummings
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." Orac: "It is unlikely.  I would predict there are far greater mistakes\nwaiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it."
Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- only the willingness to make it when necessary.\n-- Frederick Dunn
Virtue is its own punishment.\n-- Denniston Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. -- Aneurin Bevan
Virtue is not left to stand alone.  He who practices it will have neighbors.\n-- Confucius
Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company.\n-- La Rochefoucauld
Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure.\n-- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres"
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that is.
Walk softly and carry a BFG-9000.
Walk softly and carry a big stick.\n-- Theodore Roosevelt
Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.
We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling.
We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny.
We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.\n-- Dr. Konrad Adenauer
We are all born mad.  Some remain so.\n-- Samuel Beckett
We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.\n-- Oscar Wilde
We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness.\n-- A. Schweitzer
We are anthill men upon an anthill world.\n-- Ray Bradbury
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.\n-- Whole Earth Catalog
We are each only one drop in a great ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle!
We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.\n-- Victor Hugo
We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same.\n-- Jonathan Swift
We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine the substance that cast them.
We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it.\n-- La Rochefoucauld
We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than from the machinations of the wicked.
We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves.\n-- Eric Hoffer
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always respect their good judgement.
We only acknowledge small faults in order to make it appear that we are free from great ones.\n-- La Rouchefoucauld
We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has forgotten its source.\n-- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play"
We prefer to speak evil of ourselves rather than not speak of ourselves at all.
We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears.
We read to say that we have read.
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.\n-- Thucydides
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.\n-- Jean de la Bruyere
Well, I'm disenchanted too.  We're all disenchanted.\n-- James Thurber
Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide a grin.\n-- F.M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations"
What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry?\n-- Ashleigh Brilliant
What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity.  We are all formed of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that is the first law of nature.\n-- Voltaire
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are.
What on earth would a man do with himself if something did not stand in his way?\n-- H.G. Wells
What upsets me is not that you lied to me, but that from now on I can no longer believe you.\n-- Nietzsche
What we see depends on mainly what we look for.\n-- John Lubbock
What's the matter with the world?  Why, there ain't but one thing wrong with every one of us -- and that's "selfishness."\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
What's this stuff about people being "released on their own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on our own recognizance?
What, after all, is a halo?  It's only one more thing to keep clean.\n-- Christopher Fry
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like other people.\n-- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows"
Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, it concentrates his mind wonderfully.\n-- Samuel Johnson
When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind with changing conditions.  When a man you don't like does it, he is a liar who has broken his promises.\n-- Franklin Adams
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
When among apes, one must play the ape.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When in doubt, do it.  It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.\n-- Grace Murray Hopper
When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing.
When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing.
When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst.\n-- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow"
When you dig another out of trouble, you've got a place to bury your own.
When you jump for joy, beware that no-one moves the ground from beneath your feet.\n-- Stanislaw Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; when they speak to you for your own good it's interference.
When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the impression you will make.
WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years.  Struggle to become a parrot or something.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, you can be pretty sure that they're not using it.
... whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it.\n-- Richard Shelton
While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is admission to someone else.
While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.
While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their correctness never does.
While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in.\n-- Dean Rusk
While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very reassuring to know that it's still there.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster.  And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks into you.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom.
Why be difficult when, with a bit of effort, you could be impossible?
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to avoid responsibility with?
Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they are another's.\n-- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681
Why was I born with such contemporaries?\n-- Oscar Wilde
Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she kissed her cow.\n-- Rabelais
Will your long-winded speeches never end? What ails you that you keep on arguing?\n-- Job 16:3
Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I try to be a fraud and a half.\n-- Otto von Bismark
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Words must be weighed, not counted.
Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair -- It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere.
Write a wise saying and your name will live forever.\n-- Anonymous
Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most astonishin' things to preserve their respectability.  Thank God I'm not respectable.\n-- Ruthven Campbell Todd
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
You are a wish to be here wishing yourself.\n-- Philip Whalen
You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind.\n-- Sherlock Holmes
You are not a fool just because you have done something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you.
You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.\n-- Katharine Fullerton Gerould
You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow.\n-- Janis Joplin
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You can't cheat an honest man.  Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump.\n-- W.C. Fields
You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps.
You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up.\n-- Peter Frampton
You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too.\n-- Ayn Rand
You can't hold a man down without staying down with him.\n-- Booker T. Washington
You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency.\n-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
You can't play your friends like marks, kid.\n-- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting"
You can't start worrying about what's going to happen.  You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now.\n-- Lauren Bacall
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."\n-- Dagwood Bumstead
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist.\n-- Indira Gandhi
You cannot use your friends and have them too.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance.
You don't have to be nice to people on the way up if you're not planning on coming back down.\n-- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie"
You don't have to explain something you never said.\n-- Calvin Coolidge
You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me from your own life.  May it all turn out to your happiness.\n-- Goethe
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.\n-- Yogi Berra
You have not converted a man because you have silenced him.\n-- John Viscount Morley
You humans are all alike.
You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up!\n-- Dylan Thomas
You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it.\n-- Maharbal
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm.\n-- Dean Webber
You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday.\n-- Garfield
You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language is revenge.\n-- Peter Beard
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.\n-- E.A. Gilliam
You know your apartment is small...\nwhen you can't know its position and velocity at the same time.\nyou put your key in the lock and it breaks the window.\nyou have to go outside to change your mind.\nyou can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet.
You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing.\n-- Sydney Harris
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with him.\n-- Ed Howe
You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty to his own concept of the obligations of manhood.  All other loyalties are merely deputies of that one.\n-- Nero Wolfe
You never gain something but that you lose something.\n-- Thoreau
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You never go anywhere without your soul.
You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough.\n-- William Blake
You never learn anything by doing it right.
You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.\n-- Olin Miller.
You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"\n-- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" [No, it wasn't J.F. Kennedy.  Ed.]
You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends.\n-- Joseph Conrad
You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think.
You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except incest and folk-dancing.\n-- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth"
You shouldn't wallow in self-pity.  But it's OK to put your feet in it and swish them around a little.\n-- Guindon
You want to know why I kept getting promoted?  Because my mouth knows more than my brain.\n-- W.G.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.\n-- Frank Hubbard
You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway.\n-- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell
You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control.\n-- Smile, "Was (Not Was)"
You're always thinking you're gonna be the one that makes 'em act different.\n-- Woody Allen, "Manhattan"
You're either part of the solution or part of the problem.\n-- Eldridge Cleaver
You're never too old to become younger.\n-- Mae West
You've always made the mistake of being yourself.\n-- Eugene Ionesco
You've been telling me to relax all the way here, and now you're telling me just to be myself?\n-- The Return of the Secaucus Seven
Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.\n-- George Chapman
Young men, hear an old man to whom old men hearkened when he was young.\n-- Augustus Caesar
Your conscience never stops you from doing anything.  It just stops you from enjoying it.
Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.\n-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease.\n-- Robert F. Kennedy
Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby"
Youth is a disease from which we all recover.\n-- Dorothy Fuldheim
If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you.  If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.\n-- Jesus, "Gnostic Gospels" (Elaine Pagel)
If a man slept by day, he had little time to work.  That was a satisfying notion to Escargot.\n-- "The Stone Giant", James P. Blaylock
He liked fishing a little too much, and he believed that work was something a man did when he had to.  He had always been able to get along well enough without it, especially for the last couple of years.\n-- "The Stone Giant", James P. Blaylock
Would a giant, profit-oriented cartel lie to you?\n-- Top Ten List, Late Night with David Letterman
Some days you wake and immediately start worrying.  Nothing in particular is wrong, it's just the suspicion that forces are aligning quietly and there will be trouble.\n-- "Survival Series", Jenny Holzer
I am examining you on your fool ideas that no intelligent Christian on earth believes.\n-- Clarence Darrow, to William Jennings Bryan
"Go on, girl!  You'll never get a better chance to buy Jif at this price.  *Carpe diem*, babe!"\n-- "The Naked Consumer", Erik Larson
I'm enthralled by combine harvesters. In fact, I yearn to have one -- as a pet.\n-- "The Day of the Jackal"
The horizon of many people is a circle with a radius of zero. They call this their point of view.\n-- Albert Einstein
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.\n-- Ogden Nash
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
All intelligent species own cats.
Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound.  Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.\n-- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.\n-- R. Heinlein
"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"\n"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."\n"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."\n"That was the curious incident."\n-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
Auribus teneo lupum.\n[I hold a wolf by the ears.]\n[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.\n-- Garrison Keillor
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through the snow.
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think that's how dogs spend their lives.\n-- Sue Murphy
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people and the rest of us.
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.\n-- August Strindberg
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat with a thyroid problem.
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs, blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?\n-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd crazy.
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet."\n-- Jay Leno
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.\n-- Martin Mull
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.
Never try to outstubborn a cat.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.\n-- Fran Lebowitz
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
PENGUINICITY!!
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be chewed and digested.\n-- Francis Bacon [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.\n-- Snoopy
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.\n-- Kevin Cowherd
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.\n-- C. Schulz
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
To err is human, To purr feline.\n-- Robert Byrne
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
Who loves me will also love my dog.\n-- John Donne
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.\n-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
1st graffitiist: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 2nd graffitiist: Why?
A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a "Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.\n-- Mahatma Gandhi
A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money.\n-- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury.
A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.\n-- Bill Vaughan
A Difficulty for Every Solution.\n-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.\n-- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red"
A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol.\n-- Adlai Stevenson
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.\n-- Winston Churchill
A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular.\n-- Adlai Stevenson
A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding ducks.\n-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away.\n-- Barry Goldwater
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.\n-- B. Franklin
A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest man a century.
A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for not going to church on Sunday.\n-- Russell Baker
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.
A national debt, if it is not excessive, will be to us a national blessing.\n-- Alexander Hamilton
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
A penny saved kills your career in government.
A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, but he has no means to realize it other than through violence.\n-- Jean Paul Sartre
A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.\n-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952
A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which was intended for her preservation.\n-- Colton
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having his neighbour notice it.\n-- Trygve Lie
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.
A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.\n-- Ramsey Clark
A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from the vexation of thinking.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years.\n-- Harry S. Truman
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.\n-- O'Henry
A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many bad measures.\n-- Daniel Webster
Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain.  He died in Washington, D.C.
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the cost to others, to win advancement."\n-- Norman Thomas
Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.\n-- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre
Alea iacta est.\n[The die is cast]\n-- Gaius Julius Caesar
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is informing, stimulating and ennobling.\n-- H. L. Mencken
All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.\n-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of Catiline", by Sallust
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.\n-- Chou En Lai
All kings is mostly rapscallions.\n--Mark Twain
All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of the United States.\n-- Vic Gold
All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats.\n-- Groucho Marx
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.\n-- Jim Fiebig
All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in which he was born.\n-- Francois Fenelon
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.\n-- John O'Hara
America: born free and taxed to death.
An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.\n-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the president but is always polite to traffic cops.
An efficient and a successful administration manifests itself equally in small as in great matters.\n-- W. Churchill
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.\n-- Simon Cameron There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians.  When bought they stay bought. -- Bill Moyers
Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no government at all.
"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a courtesy detail."
And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit.
Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone.\n-- Pyrrhus
Any excuse will serve a tyrant.\n-- Aesop
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.\n-- David Broder
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.\n-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions"
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.\n-- G.J. Danton
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; nothing is safe while the legislature is in session.
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.\n-- Herbert Hoover
C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre!\n[It is magnificent, but it is not war]\n-- Pierre Bosquet, witnessing the charge of the Light Brigade
"Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception."\n-- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp.  It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage.\n-- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post
Census Taker to Housewife|Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many?
Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks.  I think we need more owls."\n-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe.
Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner.  His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.\n-- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan
Crime does not pay ... as well as politics.\n-- Alfred E. Newman
Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity.  It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."\n-- Johnny Hart
Demand the establishment of the government in its rightful home at Disneyland.
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management.\n-- Senator Soaper
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.\n-- G.B. Shaw
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you don't think.
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.\n-- Laurence J. Peter
Democracy is good.  I say this because other systems are worse.\n-- Jawaharlal Nehru
Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them.\n-- Arman de Caillavet, 1913
Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people are right more than half of the time.\n-- E. B. White
Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.\n-- Winston Churchill
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.
Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century.  Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon.\n-- Sir Humphrey Appleby
Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way.\n-- Daniele Vare
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.\n-- Wynn Catlin
Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way.\n-- Balfour
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.\n-- Golda Meir
Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that.
Don't steal... the IRS hates competition!
Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in!\n-- "Brazil"
Don't talk to me about naval tradition.  It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.\n-- Winston Churchill
Don't vote -- it only encourages them!
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued.
Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 3x4 snapshots, and a good tax record.
Each person has the right to take the subway.
Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a day.\n[and getting better!  Soon it'll be down to a penny a day!]
Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?
Every country has the government it deserves.\n-- Joseph De Maistre
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit of justice is no virtue.\n-- Barry Goldwater
Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.\n-- George Santayana
Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified.\n-- Joe Orton, "Loot"
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.\n-- H.S. Thompson
First rule of public speaking.\nFirst, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em;\nthen tell 'em;\nthen tell 'em what you've tole 'em.
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. This gives me great hope for the human race.\n-- Harlan Ellison
Forgive him, for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature!\n-- G.B. Shaw
Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason.\n-- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book"
Free Speech Is The Right To Shout 'Theater' In A Crowded Fire.\n-- A Yippie Proverb
Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite.
Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better.\n-- Camus
Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. War is peace.\n-- George Orwell
Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one.
Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.\n-- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee"
"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail."\n-- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National Security Agency.
George Orwell 1984.  Northwestern 0.\n-- Chicago Reader 10/15/82
George Orwell was an optimist.
George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend.\n-- Ashley Cooper
Give all orders verbally.  Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File".
"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war."\n-- Napoleon
Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.\n-- P.J. O'Rourke
God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects to receive it.\n-- Austin O'Malley
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":\n1-800-AUDITME
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish.  Don't overdo it.\n-- Lao Tsu
Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage.\n-- John Updike, "Couples"
Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are different lies.
Government spending?  I don't know what it's all about.  I don't know any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't know much.\n-- Will Rogers
Great Moments in History: #3 August 27, 1949:\nA Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the\nWomen's Air Corp.  It was a WAC's Museum.
Grub first, then ethics.\n-- Bertolt Brecht
Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender.  You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.\n-- Tobias Smollet
Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline sharply the minute they start waving guns around?\n-- Dr. Who
He didn't run for reelection.  "Politics brings you into contact with all the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home."\n-- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegone Days"
He is the best of men who dislikes power.\n-- Mohammed
He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself.
He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived.\n-- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda"
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.\n-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known.\n-- Sir Richard Burton
He who slings mud generally loses ground.\n-- Adlai Stevenson
He's just a politician trying to save both his faces...
Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad.  From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever.\n-- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce
Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason.
History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians).
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on.\n-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.\n-- Abba Eban
How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?\n-- Charles de Gaulle
How is the world ruled, and how do wars start?  Diplomats tell lies to journalists, and they believe what they read.\n-- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms"
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend than be one.\n-- Clarence Darrow
I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice.  To be a man is to suffer for others.\n-- Cesar Chavez
I am not a politician and my other habits are also good.\n-- A. Ward
I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half.\n-- Jay Gould
I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to run their own business.  I know men that would make my wife a better husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
"I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating."\n-- Boss Tweed
I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.\n-- Victor Hugo
I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40.\n-- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd just shot.
I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble.\n-- Augustus Caesar
I have a dream.  I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.\n-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother.\n-- Artemus Ward
I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form.\n-- Winston Churchill, 1903
I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth and they never believe me.\n-- Camillo Di Cavour
I have gained this by philosophy|that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law.\n-- Aristotle
I have never understood this liking for war.  It panders to instincts already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic establishment.\n-- Alan Bennett
I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing...\n-- Thomas Jefferson
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.\n-- Albert Einstein
I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to promote peace than our governments.  Indeed, I think that people want peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of the way and let them have it.\n-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a congressman.\n-- Will Rogers
I needed the good will of the legislature of four states.  I formed the legislative bodies with my own money.  I found that it was cheaper that way.\n-- Jay Gould
I never deny, I never contradict.  I sometimes forget.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the Royal Family
I never vote for anyone.  I always vote against.\n-- W.C. Fields
I owe the government $3400 in taxes.  So I sent them two hammers and a toilet seat.\n-- Michael McShane
I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.\n-- Francis Bellamy, 1892
I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war.\n-- Cicero Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. -- Poor Richard
I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes.  I hope they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to the south.  We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
I steal.\n-- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board Easy.  I own Chicago.  I own Miami.  I own Las Vegas. -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living
I think the world is run by C students.\n-- Al McGuire
I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty.\n-- J.P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari
I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity.\n-- Bill Veeck
I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out.\n-- Judge Harold T. Stone
I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well.\n-- Woodrow Wilson
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.\n-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life.  I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career of a robber.\n-- Tiburcio Vasquez
I wish a robot would get elected president.  That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.\n-- Jack Handley
I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, our tasks will be solved.\n-- Warren G. Harding
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word 'fair' in connection with income tax policies.\n-- William F. Buckley
I would much rather have men ask why I have no statue, than why I have one.\n-- Marcus Procius Cato
I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house and be above ground than reign among the dead.\n-- Achilles, "The Odessey", XI, 489-91
I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the whole field to private industry.\n-- Joseph Heller
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."\n-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."\n-- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House.  President Johnson says a war isn't really a war without my jokes.\n-- Bob Hope
"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!"
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States.  The only thing is\n-- I could be just as proud for half the money. -- Arthur Godfrey
"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives."
I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers.
If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it will lose that, too.\n-- W. Somerset Maugham
If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing but illegal purposes.\n-- J. Edgar Hoover
If everybody minded their own business, the world would go around a deal faster.\n-- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass"
If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing.\n-- Bertrand Russell
If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with green, baggy skin.
If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.\n-- Jerry Dreshfield
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better.\n-- Karl Marx's Mother
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.
If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they will take sandwiches.\n-- Lord Boyd-orr Eats first, morals after. -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera"
If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?
If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom.\n-- Robert Frost
If the government doesn't trust the people, why doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people?
"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!"\n-- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920)
If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, what a living the poor could make!
If they were so inclined, they could impeach him because they don't like his necktie.\n-- Attorney General William Saxbe
If voting could change the system, it would be illegal.  If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal.
If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.
If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world.\n-- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting"
If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, we encourage it, and involve others in our doom.\n-- Samuel Adams
If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance.
If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring.\n-- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking
"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to have to get a toehold in the public eye."
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it.\n-- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.\n-- Winston Churchill
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.\n-- Graham Summer
If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government!\n-- Mr. Interesting
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, even if they don't know what it means.\n-- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party"
If your hands are clean and your cause is just and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.\n-- Robert Orben Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. -- Jack Paar
Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely.\n-- Genji
Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.\n-- Jack Paar
In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one of the risks he takes.\n-- Adlai Stevenson
In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.\n-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.\n-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced a Prime Minister worthy of assassination.\n-- John Diefenbaker
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.\n-- Lenny Bruce
In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take my advice.\n-- Winston Churchill
In war it is not men, but the man who counts.\n-- Napoleon
In war, truth is the first casualty.\n-- U Thant
... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat.  It is not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.\n-- Stephen Crane
Individualists unite!
Indomitable in retreat; invincible in advance; insufferable in victory.\n-- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery
Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.\n-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US invasion of Grenada.  Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?"\n-- David Letterman
Interfere?  Of course we should interfere!  Always do what you're best at, that's what I say.\n-- Doctor Who
It got to the point where I had to get a haircut or both feet firmly planted in the air.
It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, and weight yourself down with invisible chains.
It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators.
It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.\n-- Alfred Adler
It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends...\n-- Russell Baker and Charles Peters
It is impossible to defend perfectly against the attack of those who want to die.
It is like saying that for the cause of peace, God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting.\n-- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip
It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
It is now 10 p.m.  Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?\n-- Elizabeth Carpenter
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations.  They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away."\n-- Abraham Lincoln
It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is better still to be a live lion.  And usually easier.\n-- Lazarus Long
It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of one's life and then come round.\n-- Lord Alfred Douglas
It seems a little silly now, but this country was founded as a protest against taxation.
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country.  The Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything.  They had no vital lies."\n-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
It was the Law of the Sea, they said.  Civilization ends at the waterline. Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top.\n-- Hunter S. Thompson
It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.\n-- Harry S. Truman
"It's a summons."\n"What's a summons?"\n"It means summon's in trouble."\n-- Rocky and Bullwinkle
It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to kill somebody.\n-- Dorothy L. Sayers, "Gaudy Night"
It's important that people know what you stand for. It's more important that they know what you won't stand for.
It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair.\n-- George Burns
It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon.  Which raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country.  It's called "Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle.  The first person to do anything loses.
Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, exciting people, and kill them.
Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, meet exciting interesting people, and kill them.
Keep your laws off my body!
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
L'etat c'est moi.\n[I am the state.]\n-- Louis XIV
Law stands mute in the midst of arms.\n-- Marcus Tullius Cicero
Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws!
Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and smaller -- and there are many more of them.\n-- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends"
Let no guilty man escape.\n-- U.S. Grant
Let the people think they govern and they will be governed.\n-- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania
Let us never negotiate out of fear, but let us never fear to negotiate.\n-- John F. Kennedy
Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have.\n-- Harry Emerson Fosdick
Life is a concentration camp.  You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.\n-- Woody Allen
Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
Love America -- or give it back.
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts."\n-- Winston Churchill
Majorities, of course, start with minorities.\n-- Robert Moses
Man is a military animal, glories in gunpowder, and loves parade.\n-- P.J. Bailey
Man is by nature a political animal.\n-- Aristotle
Many a bum show has been saved by the flag.\n-- George M. Cohan
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.\n-- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.\n-- Groucho Marx
Most people want either less corruption or more of a chance to participate in it.
"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think of saying, except in a desperate case.  It is like saying "My mother, drunk or sober."\n-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Defendant"
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much is going on.\n-- J.F. Kennedy
My father was a saint, I'm not.\n-- Indira Gandhi
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe?  Everything he\nsays is wrong. GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says\nwill be right.\n-- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves.\n-- William Pitt, 1783
Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty.\n-- Napoleon
Nemo me impune lacessit.\n[No one provokes me with impunity]\n-- Motto of the Crown of Scotland
Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.\n-- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation"
Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal.\n-- John Dillinger
"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon."
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.\n-- F. J. Raymond
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
No man's ambition has a right to stand in the way of performing a simple act of justice.\n-- John Altgeld
No matter whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns.\n-- Mr. Dooley
No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good intentions.  He had money as well.\n-- Margaret Thatcher
Nobody takes a bribe.  Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's different.\n-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. O'Brien, instructions to the force.
Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.\n-- Winston Churchill Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund. -- F.J. Raymond
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.\n-- Andrew Young
Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult which can be offered to a personality.\n-- Soren Kierkegaard
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of normal routines, for children and adults alike."\n-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."\n-- Ted Turner
O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the thumb hidden and the four fingers extended.\n"How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?"\n"Four."\n"And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- then how many?"\n"Four."\nThe word ended in a gasp of pain.\n-- George Orwell
Oh, I don't blame Congress.  If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.\n-- Lichty & Wagner
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.\n-- Will Rogers
Once is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, Three times is enemy action.\n-- Auric Goldfinger
Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.
One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day.
One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.\n-- Will Durant
One organism, one vote.
One planet is all you get.
One seldom sees a monument to a committee.
Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. We their sons are more worthless than they: so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt.\n-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
Our swords shall play the orators for us.\n-- Christopher Marlowe
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.\n-- General Omar N. Bradley
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Peace cannot be kept by force; it can only be achieved by understanding.\n-- Albert Einstein
Peace is much more precious than a piece of land... let there be no more wars.\n-- Mohammed Anwar Sadat, 1918-1981
People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.\n-- Otto Von Bismarck
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something to die for.  The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for it too.
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.\n-- Norman Cousins
Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in order to get power we would have to become very much like them.  (Lenin's fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.)
Persistence in one opinion has never been considered a merit in political leaders.\n-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC
Pilfering Treasury property is paticularly dangerous: big thieves are ruthless in punishing little thieves.\n-- Diogenes
Poland has gun control.
Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to teach children.\n-- W.H. Auden
Political speeches are like steer horns.  A point here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween.\n-- Alfred E. Neuman
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Politicians are the same all over.  They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.\n-- Nikita Khrushchev
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories.\n-- Arthur C. Clarke
Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have been, and never will be wrong.\n-- Walter Dwight
Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.\n-- Oscar Ameringer
Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and without greatness.  Those who have greatness within them do not go in for politics.\n-- Albert Camus
Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.  In war, you can only be killed once.\n-- Winston Churchill
Politics is not the art of the possible.  It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year.  And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.\n-- Winston Churchill
Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics.\n-- Amy Gorin
Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the systematic organisation of hatreds.\n-- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams"
Politics, like religion, hold up the torches of matrydom to the reformers of error.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
Populus vult decipi.\n[The people like to be deceived.]
Post proelium, praemium.\n[After the battle, the reward.]
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Poverty begins at home.
Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many poor people.\n-- Don Herold
Power corrupts.  Absolute power is kind of neat.\n-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
Power is poison.
Power is the finest token of affection.
Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely.\n-- Lord Acton
Practical politics consists in ignoring facts.\n-- Henry Adams
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man.\n-- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims"
Question authority.
QUESTION AUTHORITY. (Sez who?)
Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them?
Remember folks.  Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph.\n-- Jim Samuels
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western\nCivilization? Gandhi:	I think it would be a good idea.
Reunite Gondwondaland!
Rev. Jim:	What does an amber light mean? Bobby:		Slow down. Rev. Jim:	What...   does...  an...  amber...  light...  mean? Bobby:		Slow down. Rev. Jim:	What....     does....     an....     amber....     light....
"Rights" is a fictional abstraction.  No one has "Rights", neither machines nor flesh-and-blood.  Persons... have opportunities, not rights, which they use or do not use.\n-- Lazarus Long
Rule the Empire through force.\n-- Shogun Tokugawa
Sauron is alive in Argentina!
Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the Presidency.\n-- Richard Nixon
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes?\n[Who guards the Guardians?]
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have any."
Serfs up!\n-- Spartacus
Shah, shah!  Ayatollah you so!
Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature.\n-- Samuel Johnson
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.\n-- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.\n-- Charles DeGaulle
Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace!
[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.\n-- Winston Churchill
... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.\n-- Voltarine de Cleyre
So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way.\n-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen.\n-- Woodie Guthrie
Stamp out organized crime!!  Abolish the IRS.
Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace.
Support your local police force -- steal!!
Support your right to arm bears!!
Support your right to bare arms!\n-- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: Name #
Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves.\n-- Motto of the Federal Civil Service
Take your Senator to lunch this week.
TANSTAAFL
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind the tree."\n-- Russell Long
Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself out of the market.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent.\n-- Napoleon I
That government is best which governs least.\n-- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience"
That's where the money was.\n-- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. -- Willie Sutton
The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.\n-- Bill Murray
The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the Declaration not for that, but for future use.\n--  Abraham Lincoln
The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive.
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.\n-- John Maynard Keynes
The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task.\n-- Nietzsche
The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.
The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better than what we've got!
The control of the production of wealth is the control of human life itself.\n-- Hilaire Belloc
The Crown is full of it!\n-- Nate Harris, 1775
The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern.  Every class is unfit to govern.\n-- Lord Acton
The degree of civilization in a society can be judged by entering its prisons.\n-- F. Dostoyevski
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn.  Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.\n-- Russell Baker
The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man really clever who has not found that he is stupid.\n-- Gilbert K. Chesterson
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.\n-- Buckminster Fuller
The eyes of taxes are upon you.
The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible.\n-- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929
The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or compassion.\n-- Saul Alinsky
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.\n-- Abbie Hoffman
The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused received a fair trial, not a system to insure an acquittal on technicalities.
The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return.\n-- Gore Vidal
The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work and they can't fire it.
The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.\n-- Charles de Gaulle
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.\n-- Justice Louis D. Brandeis
The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood.
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.\n-- Albert Einstein
The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the author's name on the title page.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831
The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality of functions performed by private citizens.\n-- Alexis de Tocqueville
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.  Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.\n-- Will Rogers
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.\n-- Churchill
The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the law free.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.\n-- Kin Hubbard
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.\n-- Woody Allen
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them."\n-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time.  The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of consistency.\n-- Albert Einstein
The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd.  The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.\n-- Alan Ashley-Pitt
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President.  All he has to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?"\n-- Will Rogers The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. -- Vice President John Nance Garner
The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.\n-- Wilhelm Stekel
The Moral Majority is neither.
The more control, the more that requires control.
The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I hope I don't get run over again.
The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator".
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.\n-- David Gerrold
The poetry of heroism appeals irresitably to those who don't go to a war, and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy."\n-- Celine
The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog.\n-- Buckminster Fuller
The price of greatness is responsibility.
The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday they might force their beliefs on us.\n-- Mario Cuomo
The primary theme of SoupCon is communication.  The acronym "LEO" represents the secondary theme:\nLaw Enforcement Officials The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:\nAvoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials\n-- M. Gallaher
The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good requires intent.
The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty for incompetence.
The public demands certainties;  it must be told definitely and a bit raucously that this is true and that is false.  But there are no certainties.\n-- H.L. Mencken, "Prejudice"
The public is an old woman.  Let her maunder and mumble.\n-- Thomas Carlyle
The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but because it gave pleasure to the spectators.\n-- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England"
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president?  What is it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of industrial waste?\n-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
The revolution will not be televised.
"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts."\n-- Sheridan
The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today.\n-- Lewis Carroll
The scum also rises.\n-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the rationalizations of the victors.  History is written by the survivors.\n-- Max Lerner
The time for action is past!  Now is the time for senseless bickering.
The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool all of the people all of the time.\n-- Franklin Adams
The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs.\n-- G.B. Shaw
The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic.  It showed that two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics.\n-- I.F. Stone
The universe is ruled by letting things take their course.  It cannot be ruled by interfering.\n-- Chinese proverb
The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.  Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.\n-- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, it's just a tired feeling:"
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.\n-- Emo Philips
The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, nor its great scholars great men.\n-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
There appears to be irrefutable evidence that the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence.\n-- Harvey Wheeler
There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.\n-- Winston Churchill
There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry.\n-- The Duke of Wellington
There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days.\n-- shades
There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." And one says, "This is new, and therefore better"\n-- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider"
There but for the grace of God, goes God.\n-- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps.
There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship.\n-- Ralph Nader
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.\n-- Henry Kissinger
There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an opinion.\n-- Anatole France
There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum.\n-- Arthur C. Clarke
There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.  Let us determine to die, and we will conquer.  Follow me.\n-- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA)
There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.\n-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
There is no education that is not political.  An apolitical education is also political because it is purposely isolating.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.\n-- G.B. Shaw
There is no security on this earth.  There is only opportunity.\n-- General Douglas MacArthur
There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and family.  But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, the way his government is living.  What the government has got to do is live as cheap as the people.\n-- The Best of Will Rogers
There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide.\n-- Mortimer Caplan
There is only one way to kill capitalism -- by taxes, taxes, and more taxes.\n-- Karl Marx
There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.\n-- James Boswell
There never was a good war or a bad peace.\n-- B. Franklin
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.\n-- Will Rogers
There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos.\n-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
They call them "squares" because it's the most complicated shape they can deal with.
"They make a desert and call it peace."\n-- Tacitus (55?-120?)
"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."\n-- Benjamin Franklin, 1759
They use different words for things in America. For instance they say elevator and we say lift. They say drapes and we say curtains. They say president and we say brain damaged git.\n-- Alexie Sayle
They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly.\n-- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads.
They're giving bank robbing a bad name.\n-- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde
Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.\n-- G.K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday"
This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys...
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."\n-- French Proverb
Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty Often have a share in their misfortunes.\n-- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle"
Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love.  The poor know that it is money.\n-- Gerald Brenan
Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are men who want rain without thunder and lightning.  They want the ocean without the roar of its many waters.\n-- Frederick Douglass
To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North Star.  As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it.\n-- Confucius
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You".
To say you got a vote of confidence would be to say you needed a vote of confidence.\n-- Andrew Young
To think contrary to one's era is heroism.  But to speak against it is madness.\n-- Eugene Ionesco
To use violence is to already be defeated.\n-- Chinese proverb
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.\n-- Governor Jerry Brown
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last.\n-- Charles DeGaulle
True leadership is the art of changing a group from what it is to what it ought to be.\n-- Virginia Allan
"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." (Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.)\n-- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971)
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a just man is also a prison.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.\n-- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp.
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under communism, it's just the opposite.\n-- J.K. Galbraith
Under every stone lurks a politician.\n-- Aristophanes
Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20.  The flag is described as red, white and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40.\n-- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987
Unquestionably, there is progress.  The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.\n-- H. L. Mencken
Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war.\n-- Mel Brooks, "The Listener"
Veni, vidi, vici.\n[I came, I saw, I conquered].\n-- Gaius Julius Caesar
Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen at all.  The conscientious historian will correct these defects.\n-- Herodotus
Victory uber allies!
"Violence accomplishes nothing."  What a contemptible lie!  Raw, naked violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method ever employed.  Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges?
Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade.
Violence is molding.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.\n-- Salvor Hardin
Vote anarchist.
War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left.
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.\n-- Charles Edward Montague
War is an equal opportunity destroyer.
War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it.\n-- Desiderius Erasmus
War is like love, it always finds a way.\n-- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage"
War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military.\n-- Clemenceau
War is peace.  Freedom is slavery.  Ketchup is a vegetable.
War spares not the brave, but the cowardly.\n-- Anacreon
[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for the people -- the big, the bland and the banal.\n-- Ada Louise Huxtable
Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality.
We all declare for liberty, but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing.\n-- A. Lincoln
We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others.
We are all worms.  But I do believe I am a glowworm.\n-- Winston Churchill
We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once.\n-- Calvin Coolidge
We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from our children.
... we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of the past.\n-- Joseph Wood Krutch
We should be glad we're living in the time that we are.  If any of us had been born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken out and shot.\n-- Strange de Jim
We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things themselves.\n-- John Locke
We should have a Vollyballocracy.  We elect a six-pack of presidents. Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.\n-- Dennis Miller
We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. We've done so much, for so long, with so little, that we are now qualified to do something with nothing.
We totally deny the allegations, and we're trying to identify the allegators.
We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce.\n-- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.\n-- Dave Barry
Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way.\n-- Laurie Anderson
What a strange game.  The only winning move is not to play.\n-- WOP, "War Games"
"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our country. Nice try anyway, George."\n-- D.J. on KSFO/KYA
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?\n-- Bertold Brecht
What is the sound of one hand clapping?
What orators lack in depth they make up in length.
What we need is either less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
What's a cult?  It just means not enough people to make a minority.\n-- Robert Altman
When a man assumes a public trust, he should consider himself as public property.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away.  It is time to go elsewhere.  The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere.\n-- R.A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes.  The dog has certain relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten.\n-- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours."\n-- Vine Deloria, Jr.
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.\n-- Brendan Behan
When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity for him.  All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough.\n-- H.L. Mencken, "Minority Report"
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President.  Now I'm beginning to believe it.\n-- Clarence Darrow
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
When neither their poverty nor their honor is touched, the majority of men live content.\n-- Niccolo Machiavelli
When smashing monuments, save the pedstals -- they always come in handy.\n-- Stanislaw J. Lem, "Unkempt Thoughts"
When some people decide it's time for everyone to make big changes, it means that they want you to change first.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
When the revolution comes, count your change.
When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.\n-- Thomas Paine
When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find anyone.  Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge.  Never in the history of war have so few been led by so many.\n-- General James Gavin
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.\n-- Norm Crosby
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.\n-- Harry Truman
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.\n-- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
When you live in a sick society, just about everything you do is wrong.
When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.\n-- Otto Von Bismarck
When you're in command, command.\n-- Admiral Nimitz
Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally.\n-- Abraham Lincoln
Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?".
Where you stand depends on where you sit.\n-- Rufus Miles, HEW
Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we have?
Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?
Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain to claim a rebate.  His numerous letters and queries remained unanswered.  Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived.  In the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government\n-- $40,000."
... with liberty and justice for all ... who can afford it.
With reasonable men I will reason; with humane men I will plead; but to tyrants I will give no quarter.\n-- William Lloyd Garrison
Workers of the world, arise!  You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced dress code!
"Wrong," said Renner.\n"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
You can have peace.  Or you can have freedom. Don't ever count on having both at once.\n-- Lazarus Long
You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner.\n-- Aristophanes
You roll my log, and I will roll yours.\n-- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty.\n-- Henrik Ibsen
I do not patronize poor, ill educated, or disenfranchised people by exempting them from the same critical examination I feel free to direct toward the rest of society, however much I might champion the same minority or disadvantaged group in the forums of that society.\n-- James Moffitt
As long as there are entrenched social and political distinctions between sexes, races or classes, there will be forms of science whose main function is to rationalize and legitimize these distinctions.\n-- Elizabeth Fee
And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to imagine, but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.\n-- Jerome Stern
I've no regrets. I was sincere in everything I said.\n-- Former Iraqi Information Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf, annoucing his new book
The first sign of corruption in a society that is still alive is that the end justifies the means.\n-- Georges Bernanos (1888-1948), French novelist, political writer. "Why Freedom?" The last essays of George Bernanos (1955)
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13\nA:	Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy|Q:	Who were the Democratic presidential candidates?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15\nA:	The Royal Canadian Mounted Police.|Q:	What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19\nA:	To be or not to be.|Q:	What is the square root of 4b^2?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21\nA:	Dr. Livingston I. Presume.|Q:	What's Dr. Presume's full name?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31\nA:	Chicken Teriyaki.|Q:	What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4\nA:	Go west, young man, go west!|Q:	What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound?
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5\nA:	The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli.|Q:	Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines.
Knock, knock!\nWho's there? Sam and Janet.\nSam and Janet who? Sam and Janet Evening...
Knucklehead:	"Knock, knock" Pee Wee:	"Who's there?" Knucklehead:	"Little ol' lady." Pee Wee:	"Liddle ol' lady who?" Knucklehead:	"I didn't know you could yodel"
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?"|A:	"Is there a dog?"
Q:	Are we not men?|A:	We are Vaxen.
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?|A:	One per person.
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?|A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
Q:	How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying?|A:	When his lips move.
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?|A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?|A:	Unique up on it!|Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?|A:	The tame way!
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?|A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
Q:	How do you play religious roulette?|A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first.
Q:	How do you save a drowning lawyer?|A:	Throw him a rock.
Q:	How do you shoot a blue elephant?|A:	With a blue-elephant gun.|Q:	How do you shoot a pink elephant?|A:	Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue-elephant gun.
Q:	How do you stop an elephant from charging?|A:	Take away his credit cards.
Q:	How does a hacker fix a function which doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?|A:	He changes the domain.
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?|A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of speech, but under the United States constitution they are guaranteed freedom after speech.\n-- being told in Poland, 1987
Q:	How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	That's proprietary information.  Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
Q:	How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	Two.  One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q:	How many college football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
Q:	How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?|A:	Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.|Q:	How long does it take?|A:	It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.|Q:	What happens if you've got TWO flats?|A:	They replace your generator.
Q:	How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q:	How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	Just one.  He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
Q:	How many IBM 370's does it take to execute a job?|A:	Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Q:	How many IBM CPU's does it take to do a logical right shift?|A:	33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	One.  Only it's his light bulb when he's done.
Q:	How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.  Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
Q:	How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	I'll have to get back to you on that.
Q:	How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	One and a half.
Q:	How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q:	How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	One.  He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to the earlier joke.
Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Q:	How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has to really want to change.
Q:	How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q:	How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur.  Ed.]
Q:	How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?|A:	One.
Q:	How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?|A:	None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of the way.
Q:	How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?|A:	2 bits.
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?|A:	9 edge down.
Q:	Know what the difference between your latest project and putting wings on an elephant is?|A:	Who knows?  The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh...
Q:	Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"|A:	Easy.  It's because they can't figure out how to get the little bottles into the typewriter.
Q:	What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?|A:	"The elephants are coming over the hill."|Q:	What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?|A:	Nothing, for he didn't recognize them.
Q:	What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?|A:	Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
Q:	What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up?|A:	The very best person they can possibly be.
Q:	What do monsters eat?|A:	Things.|Q:	What do monsters drink?|A:	Coke.  (Because Things go better with Coke.)
Q:	What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas?|A:	The impossible dream.
Q:	What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common?|A:	The same middle name.
Q:	What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?|A:	A dope ring.|Q:	Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?|A:	To cover up the valve stem.
Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?|A:	Diyathinkhesaurus.|Q:	What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?|A:	Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
Q:	What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?|A:	Trustworthy.
Q:	What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?|A:	A stick.
Q:	What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?|A:	Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Q:	What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?|A:	A deep C diva.
Q:	What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a lawyer, and believes in social causes?|A:	A failure.
Q:	What do you call the money you pay to the government when you ride into the country on the back of an elephant?|A:	A howdah duty.
Q:	What do you call the scratches that you get when a female sheep bites you?|A:	Ewe nicks.
Q:	What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?|A:	You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
Q:	What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney?|A:	An offer you can't understand.
Q:	What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand?|A:	Not enough sand.
Q:	What do you say to a New Yorker with a job?|A:	Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please!
Q:	What does a WASP Mom make for dinner?|A:	A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by a delicious dessert.
Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?|A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
Q:	What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?|A:	Open other end.
Q:	What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room?|A:	A dinner party.
Q:	What is green and lives in the ocean?|A:	Moby Pickle.
Q:	What is orange and goes "click, click?"|A:	A ball point carrot.
Q:	What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota?|A:	Open other end.
Q:	What is purple and commutes?|A:	An Abelian grape.
Q:	What is purple and concord the world?|A:	Alexander the Grape.
Q:	What is the difference between a duck?|A:	One leg is both the same.
Q:	What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?|A:	Yogurt has culture.
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?|A:	Mu.
Q:	What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?|A:	A nervous wreck.
Q:	What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and plays like a monkey?|A:	Nothing.
Q:	What's a light-year?|A:	One-third less calories than a regular year.
Q:	What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?|A:	Dating a Canadian.
Q:	What's buried in Grant's tomb?|A:	A corpse.
Q:	What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out?|A:	Chewing gum.
Q:	What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer?|A:	A doberman.
Q:	What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?|A:	The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
Q:	What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?|A:	There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q:	What's the difference between a duck and an elephant?|A:	You can't get down off an elephant.
Q:	What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?|A:	You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
Q:	What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?|A:	One less drunk.
Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?|A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
Q:	What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's?|A:	In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, "and some cigarettes."
Q:	What's the difference between USL and the Titanic?|A:	The Titanic had a band.
Q:	What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous?|A:	A canary with the super-user password.
Q:	What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?|A:	Zorn's Lemon.
Q:	Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage?|A:	To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump!|Q:	What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill?|A:	Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...
Q:	Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain?|A:	Lawn Boy.
Q:	Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?|A:	To impress Jodie Foster.
Q:	Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers?|A:	Because he was hungry.
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?|A:	He was giving it last rites.
Q:	Why did the chicken cross the road?|A:	To see his friend Gregory peck.|Q:	Why did the chicken cross the playground?|A:	To get to the other slide.
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?|A:	To get to the other slide.
Q:	Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto?|A:	He found out what "kimosabe" really means.
Q:	Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?|A:	Because that was her name.
Q:	Why did the tachyon cross the road?|A:	Because it was on the other side.
Q:	Why did the WASP cross the road?|A:	To get to the middle.
Q:	Why do ducks have big flat feet?|A:	To stamp out forest fires.|Q:	Why do elephants have big flat feet?|A:	To stamp out flaming ducks.
Q:	Why do firemen wear red suspenders?|A:	To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
Q:	Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?|A:	To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
Q:	Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?|A:	Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? Oh, right, *of course*!
Q:	Why do the police always travel in threes?|A:	One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps an eye on the two intellectuals.
Q:	Why do WASPs play golf ?|A:	So they can dress like pimps.
Q:	Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps?|A:	God gave New Jersey first choice.
Q:	Why don't lawyers go to the beach?|A:	The cats keep trying to bury them.
Q:	Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?|A:	Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar.  If they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three.
Q:	Why haven't you graduated yet?|A:	Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted my dissertation to rhyme.
Q:	Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?|A:	You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Q:	Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?|A:	Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.
Q:	Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?|A:	That's the Law of Spline Demand.
Q:	Why is Poland just like the United States?|A:	In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.\n-- being told in Poland, 1987
Q:	Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man soup in a plate?|A:	'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away.
Q:	Why was Stonehenge abandoned?|A:	It wasn't IBM compatible.
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1.
(1)	A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. (2)	An inclined plane is a slope up. (3)	A slow pup is a lazy dog. QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog.\n-- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play"
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. (2) Great generals are forewarned. (3) Forewarned is forearmed. (4) Four is an even number. (5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. (6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity.\nTherefore, all horses are black.
(1) Never draw what you can copy. (2) Never copy what you can trace. (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
(1) X=Y				; Given (2) X^2=XY			; Multiply both sides by X (3) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2		; Subtract Y^2 from both sides (4) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y)		; Factor (5) X+Y=Y			; Cancel out (X-Y) term (6) 2Y=Y			; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 (7) 2=1				; Divide both sides by Y\n-- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1
1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's the law!
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
13. ...  r-q1
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation!"
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.\n-- Fred Allen
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.\n-- Klipstein
A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.
"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension."\n-- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature"
"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book The Martian Chronicles?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said, `You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the East?'  I said, `Yes?'  He said `No.'\n-- So I hit him." -- attributed to Ray Bradbury
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.\n-- P. Erdos
A method of solution is perfect if we can forsee from the start, and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim.\n-- Leibnitz
A pain in the ass of major dimensions.\n-- C.A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.\n-- George Wald
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.\n-- Max Planck
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.\n-- Prof. Steiner
A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier.
A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, and according to convention, there is an order.  In truth, there are atoms and a void.\n-- Democritus, 400 B.C.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
ACHTUNG!!! Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben.  Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken.  Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen.  Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets.  Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed.
After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem.
Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled.  Ever since, he's been talking about the good old dais.  His students planted a small orchard in his honor; the trees all have square roots.
Air is water with holes in it.
Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.\n-- Philippe Schnoebelen
All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.\n-- Young
All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time.
All laws are simulations of reality.\n-- John C. Lilly
All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities.\n-- Dawkins
All power corrupts, but we need electricity.
All science is either physics or stamp collecting.\n-- Ernest Rutherford
All seems condemned in the long run to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise.\n-- James Martin
All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the evidence concerning the universe has not yet been collected, so there's still hope.
All theoretical chemistry is really physics; and all theoretical chemists know it.\n-- Richard P. Feynman
Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always think of something new; this helps you forget your last rotten idea.\n-- Seth Frankel
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing that way.
An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because people refuse to see it.\n-- James Michener, "Space"
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.\n-- David Letterman
An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you really care to know.
An economist is a man who would marry Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money.
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, in mid-air, on both sides of an issue.\n-- Homer Ferguson
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.\n-- Arthur C. Clarke
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.  At best he is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not make messes in the house.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes.\n-- Philippus Paracelsus
"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator."\n-- Claude Shouse "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." -- Joseph C. Wang
Anything cut to length will be too short.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.\n-- Mickey Mouse
Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as artificial flowers have to flowers.\n-- David Parnas
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist.  This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."\n-- Matt Cartmill
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\n-- Albert Einstein
As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one.\n-- Dave "First Strike" Pare
Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if one went to Harvard).\n-- Edgar R. Fiedler
At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is not.  But obviously it cannot be where it is not.  And if it is where it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.\n-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.\n-- Tom Lehrer
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
Between infinite and short there is a big difference.\n-- G.H. Gonnet
Biology grows on you.
Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same thing as division.
But it does move!\n-- Galileo Galilei
But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature.\n-- Leonardo Da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds"
Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the center of the universe.  The premise is wrong, but the navigation works.  An incorrect model can be a useful tool.\n-- Kelvin Throop III
Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work.
Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks.
Chemistry is applied theology.\n-- Augustus Stanley Owsley III
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
"Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion..."\n-- Professor in the UCB physics department
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"\n-- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of marvelous things.  It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly blessed.\n-- Randy Davis
Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship the number zero? Is nothing sacred?
Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have only recaptured 116 of them?
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors.  Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Dinosaurs aren't extinct.  They've just learned to hide in the trees.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together ...\n-- Carl Zwanzig
E = MC ** 2 +- 3db
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Economists can certainly disappoint you.  One said that the economy would turn up by the last quarter.  Well, I'm down to mine and it hasn't.\n-- Robert Orben
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.\n-- Edgar R. Fiedler
Elegance and truth are inversely related.\n-- Becker's Razor
Elliptic paraboloids for sale.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Entropy requires no maintenance.\n-- Markoff Chaney
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which otherwise require harder thinking.\n-- Jerome Lettvin
Eureka!\n-- Archimedes
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.\n-- Don Vonada
Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. It makes sense, when you don't think about it.
Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he sees in it.  I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted.\n-- Morris Kline
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler.\n-- Albert Einstein
Everything that can be invented has been invented.\n-- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting.
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally disadvantaged.
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.\n-- Robert Firth "One, two, five." -- Monty Python and the Holy Grail
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.\n-- H. L. Mencken
For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think!
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL:		#44\nZebras are colored with dark stripes on a light background.
Friction is a drag.
Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
God doesn't play dice.\n-- Albert Einstein
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man.\n-- Kronecker
God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.\n-- William Bragg
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Good morning.  This is the telephone company.  Due to repairs, we're giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely at ten o'clock.  That's two minutes from now.
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward?  That's the trouble with time travel, you never can tell."\n-- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara"
Got Mole problems?  Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23.
Gravity brings me down.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7):  April 2, 1751 Issac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs.
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.\n-- Albert Einstein They laughed at Einstein.  They laughed at the Wright Brothers.  But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent.
He:	Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. She:	What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.\n-- Walt Kelly
Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world.
Heavier than air flying machines are impossible.\n-- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895
Heisenberg may have been here.
Heisenberg may have slept here...
Help fight continental drift.
Houston, Tranquillity Base here.  The Eagle has landed.\n-- Neil Armstrong
How can you do 'New Math' problems with an 'Old Math' mind?\n-- Charles Schulz
How many weeks are there in a light year?
How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else.\n-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!\n-- Paul McCracken
I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos.\n-- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics
I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, but I can't prove it.
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.\n-- Plato
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.\n-- Poul Anderson
I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth.\n-- Neil Armstrong
I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh.\n-- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain"
I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I use technology in order to hate it more properly.\n-- Nam June Paik
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.\n-- Roy Santoro
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast is a camel's behind.\n-- Edgar R. Fiedler
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a conclusion.\n-- William Baumol
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith.\n-- Albert Einstein
If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps.
If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think I'm an engineer working on something.\n-- S.R. McElroy
If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary.\n-- Samuel Clemens
If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work it's physics.
If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples.
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by the page number.
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical world.  One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability.\n-- Vannevar Bush
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it.\n-- Stanley Garn
If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.\n-- Albert Einstein
If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.
If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.\n-- Muhammad Ali
"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely."
If you analyse anything, you destroy it.\n-- Arthur Miller
If you are smart enough to know that you're not smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business.
If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career in chartered accountancy beckons.\n-- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic Systems course.
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get ice, but no cup.
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.\n-- Wilson Mizner
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Imagination is more important than knowledge.\n-- Albert Einstein
In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of stairs.
In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles.
IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out becoming pure energy.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
In Nature there are neither rewards nor punishments, there are consequences.\n-- R.G. Ingersoll
In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension.
"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe."\n-- Carl Sagan, Cosmos
In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
In the beginning there was nothing.  And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice.  In practice, there is.
In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain.\n-- Pliny the Elder
Information is the inverse of entropy.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac!
"Irrationality is the square root of all evil"\n-- Douglas Hofstadter
Is knowledge knowable?  If not, how do we know that?
Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?\n-- Kelvin Throop III
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is contrary to reasoning to say that there is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing.\n-- Descartes
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.\n-- Woody Allen
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is not every question that deserves an answer.\n-- Publilius Syrus
It is not for me to attempt to fathom the inscrutable workings of Providence.\n-- The Earl of Birkenhead
It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply that cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be.\n-- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics"
It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and chemistry.\n-- H.L. Mencken
It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity.  But it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong.\n-- Chris Torek
It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level language named "research student".
"It's easier said than done." ... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than done".
It's hard to think of you as the end result of millions of years of evolution.
It's later than you think, the joint Russian-American space mission has already begun.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.\n-- Phil White
It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong.\n-- J.K. Galbraith
Just because they are called 'forbidden' transitions does not mean that they are forbidden.  They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see what I mean.\n-- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture.
Kleeneness is next to Godelness.
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer.  Now I are won.
Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk.
Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a round container filled with little red fruits on sticks.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is difficult because it is non-linear.
Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Logic is the chastity belt of the mind!
Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular momentum.
Ma Bell is a mean mother!
Machines have less problems.  I'd like to be a machine.\n-- Andy Warhol
Make it myself?  But I'm a physical organic chemist!
Make it right before you make it faster.
Man will never fly.  Space travel is merely a dream.  All aspirin is alike.
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX!\nPlease, don't drink and derive.\nMathematicians\nAgainst\nDrunk\nDeriving
Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated.\n-- R. Drabek
Mathematicians are like Frenchmen:  whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different.\n-- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.\n-- Dr. Thor Wald, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by James Blish
Mathematicians practice absolute freedom.\n-- Henry Adams
Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.\n-- Albert Einstein
Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.\n-- Russell
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a receipt.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Measure twice, cut once.
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.\n-- Frederick Crane
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.\n-- Winston Churchill
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads.  One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.\n-- Woody Allen, "Side Effects"
Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem.\n-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, but always, always, he was right.\n[That's an interesting angle.  I wonder if there are any parallels?]
Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them.\n-- Booth Tarkington
Natural laws have no pity.
Nature abhors a hero.  For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy.  For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?\n-- Solomon Short
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.\n-- Fran Lebowitz
Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed.\n-- Francis Bacon
Neil Armstrong tripped.
Neutrinos are into physicists.
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's supposed to do.\n-- R. A. Heinlein
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
Nonsense.  Space is blue and birds fly through it.\n-- Heisenberg
Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the light comes on.
Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nuclear powered vacuuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years.\n-- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York Times, June 10, 1955.
Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing.
"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred."\n-- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view of the grandstands.
Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon.  After a while you'd run out of air to push against.
Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses lampposts -- for support rather than illumination.
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague|"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."\n-- Wolfgang Pauli
One Bell System - it sometimes works.
One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension!
One Bell System - it works.
One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God.\n-- J. Gustav White
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.\n-- J.D. Watson, "The Double Helix"
One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines and end up with the atomic bomb.\n-- Marcel Pagnol
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.  "Supernatural" is a null word.\n-- Robert Heinlein
One man's constant is another man's variable.\n-- A.J. Perlis
One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from mathematics.\n-- N. Wiener
One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind.
One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that sometimes you must work under adverse conditions... like a state of sheer terror.\n-- W.K. Hartmann
Only God can make random selections.
Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Order and simplification are the first steps toward mastery of a subject\n-- the actual enemy is the unknown. -- Thomas Mann
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.  Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.\n-- Mike Adams
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."\n-- Alex Schure
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ..."
Pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
Power corrupts.  And atomic power corrupts atomically.
Progress means replacing a theory that is wrong with one more subtly wrong.
Prototype designs always work.\n-- Don Vonada
"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller than the both put together."
Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces!\n-- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party
Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me."
Quark!  Quark!  Beware the quantum duck!
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.\n-- R.P. Feynman
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job.  These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
Remember Darwin; building a better mousetrap merely results in smarter mice.
Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, so you're still a valiant nerd.
Research is to see what everybody else has seen, and think what nobody else has thought.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.\n-- Wernher von Braun
Round Numbers are always false.\n-- Samuel Johnson
Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.\n-- George Carlin
Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete discord.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Science may someday discover what faith has always known.
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.\n-- William Buckley
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it.
Solutions are obvious if one only has the optical power to observe them over the horizon.\n-- K.A. Arsdall
Space is big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.\n-- The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Space is to place as eternity is to time.\n-- Joseph Joubert
Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve.\n-- Wheeler
Statistics are no substitute for judgement.\n-- Henry Clay
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays.  Embezzlement is another matter.
Stuckness shouldn't be avoided.  It's the psychic predecessor of all real understanding.  An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors.\n-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of\nQuantum Mechanics? Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? Supervisee: Yes.\n-- Overheard at a supervision.
Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!
Take an astronaut to launch.
Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards.\n-- Aldous Huxley
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.\n-- Neil Armstrong
The  White Rabbit put on his spectacles.\n"Where shall  I  begin, please your Majesty ?" he asked.\n"Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, "and go on till you come to the end: then stop."\n-- Lewis Carroll
The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex facts.  Seek simplicity and distrust it.\n-- Whitehead.
The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond.
The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured in billigrahams.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.
The bigger the theory the better.
The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time.\n-- Merrick Furst
The bomb will never go off.  I speak as an expert in explosives.\n-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom.
The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness.\n-- John Muir
The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
The difference between reality and unreality is that reality has so little to recommend it.\n-- Allan Sherman
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship.\n-- Robert Heinlein
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters.\n-- Jean-Paul Kauffmann
The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind of thing.  Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation of these atoms is talking moonshine.\n-- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for the first time
The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions is the most likely to be correct.\n-- William of Occam
The following statement is not true.  The previous statement is true.
The Force is what holds everything together.  It has its dark side, and it has its light side.  It's sort of like cosmic duct tape.
"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl."\n-- Dave Barry
The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons.\n-- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.  The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally understood.  Indeed, the world is ruled by little else.\n-- John Maynard Keyes
"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different."\n-- Franco Spisani
The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth.  And there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a pointer and a mark.\n-- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars"
The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets.\n-- L. Zadeh
The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars.
The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
The moon is made of green cheese.\n-- John Heywood
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The more they over-think the plumbing the easier it is to stop up the drain.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."\n-- Isaac Asimov
The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe.\n-- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith
The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; beyond this they have no legitimacy.\n-- Albert Einstein
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the `social sciences' is: some do, some don't.\n-- Ernest Rutherford
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.\n-- Niels Bohr
The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not engineers.
The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise measurement of the speed of blight.
The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those people.
The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.\n-- Jane Bryant Quinn
The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed.\n-- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia
The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.
The solution of problems is the most characteristic and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking.\n-- William James
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise for the reader.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.\n-- Peer
The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything.
The spirit of Plato dies hard.  We have been unable to escape the philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying reality.\n-- S.J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man"
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
The sum of the Universe is zero.
The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.\n-- Aldo Leopold
The tree of research must from time to time be refreshed with the blood of bean counters.\n-- Alan Kay
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility.  And vice versa.
The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity.\n-- Harlan Ellison
The unfacts, did we have them, are too imprecisely few to warrant our certitude.
The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be broken.
The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang.
The universe is an island, surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes.
The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the combination is locked up in the safe.\n-- Peter DeVries
The Universe is populated by stable things.\n-- Richard Dawkins
The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent.\n-- Sagan
The universe, they said, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty and bloody-mindedness.\n-- Terry Pratchett, "The Light Fantastic"
The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, and deviation standard.
The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it.\n-- E. Hubbard
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.  They were just the first not to crash.
Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green.\n-- Goethe
There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis are chosen correctly.
"There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far the more certain."\n-- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800
There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too.\n-- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler"
There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule.\n-- R. W. Gerard
There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom.\n-- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923
There is no opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it.\n-- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares"
There is no royal road to geometry.\n-- Euclid
There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms.  If they recalled every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become insupportable.\n-- Kurt Vonnegut
There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle!\n-- Doug Clifford
There's no future in time travel.
There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know what you're talking about.\n-- John von Neumann
They don't know how the world is shaped.  And so they give it a shape, and try to make everything fit it.  They separate the right from the left, the man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They only want to count to two.\n-- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance"
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, and not enough hunchbacks.
This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers.  The spark-gap is mightier than the pen.  Democracy will not be salvaged by men who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly.\n-- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938
This is the theory that Jack built. This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in...
This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's constant.  And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's been called by others the fiddle factor..."\n-- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture.
This place just isn't big enough for all of us.  We've got to find a way off this planet.
This universe shipped by weight, not by volume.  Some expansion of the contents may have occurred during shipment.
This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard dying... but nobody thought so.  This was a future of fortune and theft, pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it.\n-- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination"
Those who can, do; those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do; those who can't, write. Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record.
... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage from beginning to end.\n-- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War"
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.\n-- Bertrand Russell
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. Space is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen to you.
To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence.\n-- Joseph Glanvill, 1661
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.\n-- Thomas Edison
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?\n-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
Torque is cheap.
Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two.
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
Two wrights don't make a rong, they make an airplane.  Or bicycles.
UFOs are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem in relation to a bigger problem.\n-- P.D. Ouspensky
Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none.\n-- Doug Larson
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy.  The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct.  My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough.\n-- Niels Bohr
We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his own facts.\n-- Patrick Moynihan
We are sorry.  We cannot complete your call as dialed.  Please check the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. This is a recording.
We can defeat gravity.  The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can predict everything, except the future.
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.\n-- Sir Francis Bacon
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.
We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure that it wasn't a fish.\n-- Marshall McLuhan
We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids?\n-- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn of a beautiful new world.  We will see it when we believe it.\n-- Saul Alinsky
We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick.\n-- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra"
We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous extinction.\n-- S.J. Gould
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away.  The center of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away.  You could drive that in a week, but for some reason nobody's ever done it.\n-- Andy Rooney
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."\n-- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
What is algebra, exactly?  Is it one of those three-cornered things?\n-- J.M. Barrie
What is mind?  No matter.  What is matter?  Never mind.\n-- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
What is now proved was once only imagin'd.\n-- William Blake
What is research but a blind date with knowledge?\n-- Will Harvey
What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, which is the exact opposite.\n-- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical Essays", 1928
What the deuce is it to me?  You say that we go around the sun.  If we went around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work.\n-- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet"
What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying.\n-- Nikita Khruschev
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute -- and it's longer than any hour.  That's relativity.\n-- Albert Einstein
When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people interrupted service for one minute in his honor.  They've been honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe.\n-- The Grab Bag
When some people discover the truth, they just can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it.
When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four.\n-- S. Johnson
"When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical."\n-- Jon Carroll
When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the plane will fly.\n-- Donald Douglas
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the goal.\n-- Amrom Katz
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't know the answer either.\n-- Edgar R. Fiedler
Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk?
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE\nOh, dear, where can the matter be\nWhen it's converted to energy?\nThere is a slight loss of parity.\nJohnny's so long at the fair.
Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat.\n-- Christopher Morley
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another meaning?  "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with."  "If it doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a corner."
Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle?\n-- Alan Shepherd, the first man into space, Gemini program
With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once build a nuclear balm?
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.\n-- Ransom K. Ferm
Without life, Biology itself would be impossible.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Ya'll hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some rays and became a tangent ?
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
You are a taxi driver.  Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in use for only seven years.  One of its windshield wipers is broken, and the carburetor needs adjusting.  The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the moment is only three-quarters full.  How old is the taxi driver?"
You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart.\n-- F. Allen
You can't cheat the phone company.
You cannot have a science without measurement.\n-- R. W. Hamming
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
You mean you didn't *know* she was off making lots of little phone companies?
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than about 10^12 to 1.\n-- Ernest Rutherford
You will never amount to much.\n-- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10
It is the theory which decides what can be observed.\n-- Albert Einstein
God is subtle, but he is not malicious.\n-- Albert Einstein
Dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.\n-- Greg Oetjen of Lorton, VA in the Washington Post "Style Invitational Report from Week 278" published August 2, 1998
A clash of doctrine is not a disaster -- it is an opportunity.
A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance.\n-- Stanislaw Lem
A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated.  But an authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight.  Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she deserved.\n-- R.A. Heinlein
A halted retreat Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. To retain people as men -- and maidservants Brings good fortune.
A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I believe everything positively stinks.\n-- Lew Col
A man said to the Universe|"Sir, I exist!" "However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation."\n-- Stephen Crane
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey.  "It is out on loan," the teacher replied.  At that moment, the donkey brayed loudly inside the stable.  "But I can hear it bray, over there."  "Whom do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?"
A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
A sad spectacle.  If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space.\n-- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.\n-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, Or what's a heaven for ?\n-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
All hope abandon, ye who enter here!\n-- Dante Alighieri
All men know the utility of useful things; but they do not know the utility of futility.\n-- Chuang-tzu
All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies.\n-- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God.  Some of these eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as possible.\n-- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann"
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.\n-- Kahlil Gibran
Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here."\n-- Muad'dib, "Dune"
As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp the meaning of existence.  Both make one feel like a baby clutching at a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off.\n-- Joseph Brodsky
At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all my soul.  At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my ignorance upon the shore.\n-- Kahlil Gibran
At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, and no further activities are scheduled.
At the foot of the mountain, thunder|The image of Providing Nourishment. Thus the superior man is careful of his words And temperate in eating and drinking.
Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God.\n-- Jean Anouilh
Before you ask more questions, think about whether you really want to know the answers.\n-- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator"
Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser.  But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred.\n-- The Mahabharata
By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death.\n-- Titus Lucretius Carus
Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles.\n-- Howard Chaykin
Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win.\n-- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love"
Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign.\n-- Anatole France
Chapter 1 The story so far:\nIn the beginning the Universe was created.  This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.\n-- Douglas Adams, HHGG #2, (The Restaurant at the End of the Universe).
"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"\n"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.\n"I don't care much where--" said Alice.\n"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances.\n-- Herodotus
Coincidences are spiritual puns.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort of like a shell leaving the nut behind.\n-- Erma Bombeck
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.\n-- R. Geis
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is only a state of mind. Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.
Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you.
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember, it didn't help the rabbit.\n-- R.E. Shay
Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck.\n-- Joseph Heller, "God Knows"
Disease can be cured; fate is incurable.\n-- Chinese proverb
Ditat Deus.\n[God enriches]
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Do not seek death; death will find you.  But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment.\n-- Dag Hammarskjold
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.
Do what you can to prolong your life, in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for.
Do your part to help preserve life on Earth -- by trying to preserve your own.
Don't abandon hope.  Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Don't go to bed with no price on your head.\n-- Baretta
Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them.
Don't kid yourself.  Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything.
Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive.
Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith.\n-- Paul Tillich, German theologian.
Down with categorical imperative!
Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate and captain of your soul.
During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; and fly your colors proudly.
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  My advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.\n-- W. Somerset Maughm, his last words
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.\n-- Woody Allen
Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life.
Each of us bears his own Hell.\n-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped.\n-- Groucho Marx's last words
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.\n-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have drawn them there.  What you choose to do with them is up to you.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Everything ends badly.  Otherwise it wouldn't end.
Everything in this book may be wrong.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Everything is possible.  Pass the word.\n-- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One"
Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last.\n-- Marcus Aurelius
Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay.
Facts are the enemy of truth.\n-- Don Quixote
Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall.\n-- Sir Walter Raleigh
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
Faith is under the left nipple.\n-- Martin Luther
Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches.\n-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
For good, return good. For evil, return justice.
For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.\n-- Albert Camus
For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!
Force has no place where there is need of skill.\n-- Herodotus
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2\nNever goose a wolverine.
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23\nDon't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn.
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.\n-- Bertolt Brecht
Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death.\n-- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645
Getting into trouble is easy.\n-- D. Winkel and F. Prosser
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief.\n-- William Faulkner
God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.
God instructs the heart, not by ideas, but by pains and contradictions.\n-- De Caussade
God is the tangential point between zero and infinity.\n-- Alfred Jarry
God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.\n-- Paul Valery
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.\n-- George Saunders' dying words
Goodbye, cool world.
Got a dictionary?  I want to know the meaning of life.
Great acts are made up of small deeds.\n-- Lao Tsu
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.\n-- Ogden Nash
Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion.
Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have.
Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember.\n-- Oscar Levant
Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods.\n-- Socrates
He has shown you, o man, what is good.  And what does the Lord ask of you, but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly before your God?
He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap.
He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow.\n-- Sir Richard Burton
He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book.\n-- B. Franklin
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for the human condition is a fool.\n-- Albert Camus
He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant.  Teach him. He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool.  Shun him. He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep.  Wake him.
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing,\nhe knows something.  Or something like that.
He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened.\n-- Lao Tsu
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.\n-- Lao Tsu
He who knows, does not speak.  He who speaks, does not know.\n-- Lao Tsu
...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither does he hate it.  Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is self-propagating.\n-- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose"
Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished|if you're alive, it isn't.
How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another in the waking state?\n-- Plato
I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.\n-- William Allen White
I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives.  I don't see why I should have to believe in it in this one.\n-- Strange de Jim
I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man.\n-- Chuang-tzu
I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. I ask nothing but sincerity.  If they come out of habit, they become tiresome.\n-- I Ching
"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment."\n-- Gotama Buddha
I hate dying.\n-- Dave Johnson
I have a simple philosophy|Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. Scratch where it itches.\n-- A. R. Longworth
I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.\n-- Publilius Syrus
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.\n-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
I hope you're not pretending to be evil while secretly being good. That would be dishonest.
I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!
I know not how I came into this, shall I call it a dying life or a living death?\n-- St. Augustine
If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he really a guru at all?\n-- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals"
If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, he will lose his reverence for all of life.\n-- Albert Schweitzer
If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women you've got in the house.\n-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
If something has not yet gone wrong then it would ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong.
If the master dies and the disciple grieves, the lives of both have been wasted.
If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads.\n-- Anatole France
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.\n-- Albert Camus
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If we don't survive, we don't do anything else.\n-- John Sinclair
If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? If you are for yourself, then what are you? If not now, when?
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you find a solution and become attached to it, the solution may become your next problem.
If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat.\n-- Simone de Beauvoir
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.\n-- Maslow
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.
If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back.
If you want divine justice, die.\n-- Nick Seldon
If your aim in life is nothing, you can't miss.
If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you do have a problem.\n-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
Illusion is the first of all pleasures.\n-- Voltaire
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.\n-- Edgar A. Shoaff
In dwelling, be close to the land. In meditation, delve deep into the heart. In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. In speech, be true. In work, be competent. In action, be careful of your timing.\n-- Lao Tsu
In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; you're what's left.
In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. It is not always an easy sacrifice.
In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart.\n-- Ann Frank
In the long run we are all dead.\n-- John Maynard Keynes
In the next world, you're on your own.
Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as `all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.'\n-- M.D. Epstein
Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better.\n-- Edgar W. Howe
Intellect annuls Fate. So far as a man thinks, he is free.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.\n-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life.
It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, that makes life blessed.\n-- Goethe
It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live at all.  And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result is the only thing that makes the result come true.\n-- William James
It is only with the heart one can see clearly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.\n-- The Fox, 'The Little Prince"
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as high as the eagle?
It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it.\n-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously lives, works and has his being.\n-- Thomas Carlyle
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together.\n-- Washlesky
It's hard to drive at the limit, but it's harder to know where the limits are.\n-- Stirling Moss
It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things.
"It's today!" said Piglet.\n"My favorite day," said Pooh.
It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never know when everything may suddenly stop happening.
Just remember, wherever you go, there you are.\n-- Buckaroo Bonzai
Kindness is the beginning of cruelty.\n-- Muad'dib [Frank Herbert, "Dune"]
Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around us in awareness.\n-- James Thurber
Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow.
Life exists for no known purpose.
Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing.\n-- Helen Keller
Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line.
Life is like a 10 speed bicycle.  Most of us have gears we never use.\n-- C. Schultz
Life is like a sewer.  What you get out of it depends on what you put into it.\n-- Tom Lehrer
Life is the childhood of our immortality.\n-- Goethe
Life is the living you do, Death is the living you don't do.\n-- Joseph Pintauro
Life is the urge to ecstasy.
Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, it may have a meaning of which you disapprove.
Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away.\n-- Dag Hammarskjold
Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all.\n-- Thomas J. Kopp
Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is published around the world -- even if what is published is not true.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat like having bees live in your head.  But, there they are.
Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence.
Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his pain and his aloneness without regret?\n-- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet"
Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens?
[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand more and more that there is something which cannot be understood.\n-- S. Kierkegaard
Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly.  An aide once asked him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better.
Murphy was an optimist.
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Music in the soul can be heard by the universe.\n-- Lao Tsu
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind.\n-- Albert Einstein
My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.\n-- Christopher Morley
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity.  The servant said "My master is out."  Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window.  Someone might steal it."
Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to serve him.  Nasrudin said, "First things first.  Did you see me walk into your shop?"\n"Of course."\n"Have you ever seen me before?"\n"Never."\n"Then how do you know it was me?"
Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful than the sun."\n"Why?", he was asked.\n"Because at night we need the light more."
Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of meat from his hand.  As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, "Foolish bird!  You have the liver, but what can you do with it without the recipe?"
Ninety percent of everything is crap.\n-- Theodore Sturgeon
Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much.\n-- Augustine
No matter where I go, the place is always called "here".
No use getting too involved in life -- you're only here for a limited time.
Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something.
Nonsense and beauty have close connections.\n-- E.M. Forster
Normal times may possibly be over forever.
Not every question deserves an answer.
Nothing in life is to be feared.  It is only to be understood.
Nothing is as simple as it seems at first\nOr as hopeless as it seems in the middle\nOr as finished as it seems in the end.
Nothing is but what is not.
Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example.
Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know.\n-- Michel de Montaigne
Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all.\n-- Arthur Balfour
Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this|to know so much and have control over nothing.\n-- Herodotus
Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in.\n-- H.R. Haldeman
Once you've tried to change the world you find it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind.
One learns to itch where one can scratch.\n-- Ernest Bramah
One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it.
One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, I'll tell you."
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.\n-- Baba Ram Dass
Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely.\n-- Lao Tsu
Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better.\n-- Laurie Anderson
Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to take away.\n-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway.
Philosophy will clip an angel's wings.\n-- John Keats
Push where it gives and scratch where it itches.
Reality always seems harsher in the early morning.
Reality does not exist -- yet.
Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth?\n-- Patrick Sky
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity.\n-- Alvy Ray Smith
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.\n-- Lily Tomlin
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away".\n-- Philip K. Dick
Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over the first one.\n-- Confusion
Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage.
Seeing is believing.  You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it.
Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well burst out in laughter.\n-- Long Chen Pa
So little time, so little to do.\n-- Oscar Levant
Sometimes even to live is an act of courage.\n-- Seneca
Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living.
Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by no means the only 'certain' standard.  If you mistake what is relative for something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth.\n-- Chuang Tzu
Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; The deed there is, but no doer thereof; Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; The Path there is, but none who travel it.\n-- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values
Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.\n-- Martin Luther
Take your dying with some seriousness, however.  Laughing on the way to your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, and they'll call you crazy.\n-- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
That that is is that that is not is not.
That, that is, is. That, that is not, is not. That, that is, is not that, that is not. That, that is not, is not that, that is.
The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth.\n-- A. Camus
The best you get is an even break.\n-- Franklin Adams
"The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain."\n-- G. Fitch
The chief cause of problems is solutions.\n-- Eric Sevareid
The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.\n-- Alfred Adler
The days are all empty and the nights are unreal.
The door is the key.
The farther you go, the less you know.\n-- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching"
The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions.\n-- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante"
The first requisite for immortality is death.\n-- Stanislaw Lem
The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves.\n-- Sophocles
The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate.\n-- Marcus Terentius Varro
The major sin is the sin of being born.\n-- Samuel Beckett
The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy.  What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be.\n-- Lao Tsu
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk.
The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true.  It is the chief occupation of mankind.\n-- H.L. Mencken
The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions.
The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist knows it.\n-- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists"
Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking almost gently.  The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.\n-- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion"
The Poems, all three hundred of them, may be summed up in one of their phrases|"Let our thoughts be correct".\n-- Confucius
The price of success in philosophy is triviality.\n-- C. Glymour.
The questions remain the same.  The answers are eternally variable.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.\n-- Damon Runyon
The root of all superstition is that men observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses.\n-- Francis Bacon
The savior becomes the victim.
The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.
The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin.\n-- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices"
The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great height but just above the ground.  It seems more designed to make people stumble than to be walked upon.\n-- Franz Kafka
The truth is rarely pure, and never simple.\n-- Oscar Wilde
The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie.\n-- Lenny Bruce
The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it.\n-- Stanley Kubrick
The truth you speak has no past and no future.  It is, and that's all it needs to be.
The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages.\n-- Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul
There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe.\n-- Baba Ram Dass
There are no winners in life, only survivors.
There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life is the process of discovering them over and over and over.\n-- David Nichols
There is more to life than increasing its speed.\n-- Mahatma Gandhi
There is no comfort without pain; thus we define salvation through suffering.\n-- Cato
There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval.\n-- George Santayana
There is no sin but ignorance.\n-- Christopher Marlowe
There's only one everything.
To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean.
To give happiness is to deserve happiness.
To give of yourself, you must first know yourself.
To have died once is enough.\n-- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil)
To lead people, you must follow behind.\n-- Lao Tsu
Truth has no special time of its own.  Its hour is now -- always.\n-- Albert Schweitzer
Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure.
Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy of him that brought her birth.\n-- Milton
Waste not fresh tears over old griefs.\n-- Euripides
We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.\n-- Yates
We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have.\n-- Margaret Mead
We have only two things to worry about:  That things will never get back to normal, and that they already have.
We have reason to be afraid.  This is a terrible place.\n-- John Berryman
We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest.\n-- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace)
We're all in this alone.\n-- Lily Tomlin
We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- but those are only handicaps.  Our pride is that nevertheless, now and then, we do our best.  A few times we succeed.  What more dare we ask for?\n-- Ensign Flandry
Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are.\n-- Buckaroo Banzai
"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five hundred."\n-- The Mahabharata.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.\n-- Nietzsche
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?\n-- Ursula K. LeGuin
What we Are is God's gift to us. What we Become is our gift to God.
Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil.\n-- Friedrich Nietzsche
Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.\n-- Gandhi
When it's dark enough you can see the stars.\n-- Ralph Waldo Emerson,
When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is metaphysics.\n-- Voltaire
When the wind is great, bow before it; when the wind is heavy, yield to it.
When you die, you lose a very important part of your life.\n-- Brooke Shields
Who does not trust enough will not be trusted.\n-- Lao Tsu
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.\n-- J. Winter Smith
Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list.
[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast.\n-- Proverbs 3:18, NSV
With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance.
Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, and philosophy begins in wonder.\n-- Socrates, quoting Plato [Huh?  That's like Johnson quoting Boswell]
Work Hard.\nRock Hard.\nEat Hard.\nSleep Hard.\nGrow Big.\nWear Glasses If You Need 'Em.\n-- The Webb Wilder Credo
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it true.  You may have to work for it, however.\n-- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for the Advanced Soul"
You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove.\n-- Tim Leary
You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough.
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.\n-- Jeannette Rankin
You can observe a lot just by watching.\n-- Yogi Berra
You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.
You can't get there from here.
You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane.
You can't push on a string.
You can't run away forever, But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start.\n-- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through"
"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten."\n-- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and Over and Over"
You can't take it with you -- especially when crossing a state line.
You climb to reach the summit, but once there, discover that all roads lead down.\n-- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad"
You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead.\n-- Lois Platford
You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster.\n-- Lewis Carroll
You will always find something in the last place you look.
Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life.
Your mind understands what you have been taught; your heart, what is true.
Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus.
Your wig steers the gig.\n-- Lord Buckley
You may be marching to the beat of a different drummer, but you're still in the parade.
The universe is made of stories, not of atoms.\n-- Muriel Rukeyser
Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you.\n-- Jean-Paul Sartre
There is a secret person undamaged within every individual.\n-- Paul Shepard
We are governed not by armies and police but by ideas.\n-- Mona Caird, 1892
The first rule of all intelligent tinkering is to keep all the parts.\n-- Aldo Leopold, quoted in Donald Wurster's "Nature's Economy"
You must be the change you wish to see in the world.\n--Mahatma Gandhi
No people are all bad, just as none are all good. Tecumseh, (Shawnee) to his nephew Spemica Lawba 1790
My reason tells me that land cannot be sold - nothing can be sold but such  things as can be carried away.              Black Hawk, (Saulk)
Sell a country! Why not sell the air, the great sea, as well as the earth? Did not the Great Spirit make them all for the use of his children?                                       Tecumseh, (Shawnee)
Free yourself from negative influence. Negative thoughts are the old habits that gnaw at the roots of the soul. Moses Shongo, (Seneca)
...everything on this earth has a purpose, every disease an herb to cure it, and every person a mission. This is the Indian theory of existence. Mourning Dove, (Salish 1888-1936)
The words fly away, the writings remain.
I am what you will be; I was what you are.
The people rule.
Perhaps the remembrance of these things will prove a source of future pleasure.\n-- Virgil
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back the when it begins to rain.\n-- Robert Frost
A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun.
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator.\n-- Paul Valery
A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours.\n-- Milton Berle
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love"
A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom.\n-- Parkinson
A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth.\n-- R. Stallman
A company is known by the men it keeps.
A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.
A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper.\n-- Dyer
A freelance is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps.\n-- Robert Benchley
A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you.
A man is known by the company he organizes.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.\n-- Dean Acheson
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination.
A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for granite.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.\n-- Samuel Goldwyn
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.\n-- Herbert Hoover
According to all the latest reports, there was no truth in any of the earlier reports.
Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.\n-- Sinclair Lewis
Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.\n-- George Orwell
Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score.\n-- Henry Tyroon
All warranty and guarantee clauses become null and void upon payment of invoice.
America works less, when you say "Union Yes!"
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on).\n-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.\n-- Robert Benchley
Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm.\n-- Publius Syrus
Anyone can make an omelet with eggs.  The trick is to make one with none.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume.\n-- Peter G. Alaquon
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
Be sociable. Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow.
Been Transferred Lately?
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
Biz is better.
Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel.
Bullwinkle:	You just leave that to my pal.  He's the brains of the outfit. General:	What does that make YOU? Bullwinkle:	What else?  An executive.\n-- Jay Ward
Business is a good game -- lots of competition and minimum of rules. You keep score with money.\n-- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari
Business will be either better or worse.\n-- Calvin Coolidge
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations' paws."
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve.\n-- Robert Frost
Can anyone remember when the times were not hard, and money not scarce?
Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes, work never begun.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
Chairman of the Bored.
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.\n-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Competitive fury is not always anger.  It is the true missionary's courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not be enough.\n-- Gene Scott
"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."\n-- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones]
Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.\n-- Josh Billings
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.
Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man.\n-- James Blish
Dealing with failure is easy|Work hard to improve. Success is also easy to handle: You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve.
Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year.\n-- C.N. Parkinson
Despite all appearances, your boss is a thinking, feeling, human being.
"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?"\n"Of course it's wrong!  It's illegal!"\n"I've never done anything illegal before."\n"I thought you said you were an accountant!"
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business.  Cheat.\n-- Ambrose Bierce
Don't tell me how hard you work.  Tell me how much you get done.\n-- James J. Ling
"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to get more wax!!"
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
Drilling for oil is boring.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company.\n"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you just how busy they are?
Every cloud has a silver lining; you should have sold it, and bought titanium.
"Every man has his price.  Mine is $3.95."
Every man thinks God is on his side.  The rich and powerful know that he is.\n-- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark"
"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America.  If I'm not there, I go to work"\n-- Robert Orben
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no guarantee of eventual success.
Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is the best one.\n-- Jack Hurley
Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money.\n-- Arthur Miller
Everyone who comes in here wants three things|(1) They want it quick.\n(2) They want it good.\n(3) They want it cheap. I tell 'em to pick two and call me back.\n-- sign on the back wall of a small printing company
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.\n-- Miller
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: Support:  "You're not our only customer, you know." Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do the work.\n-- John G. Pollard
Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital.
Fast, cheap, good: pick two.
Fear is the greatest salesman.\n-- Robert Klein
Feel disillusioned?  I've got some great new illusions, right here!
For every bloke who makes his mark, there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out.\n-- Andy Capp
Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.\n-- Thomas Alva Edison
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. Corollary:\nFollowing the rules will not get the job done.
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, I'd rather lie around.  No contest."\n-- Eric Clapton
God help those who do not help themselves.\n-- Wilson Mizner
God helps them that help themselves.\n-- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanac"
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to work.
Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.\n-- R.E. Schenk
Happiness is a positive cash flow.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?\n-- Charlie McCarthy
Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell you `there's a time for work and a time for play' never find the time for play?
He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him.\n-- Bion
He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet.
He who is content with his lot probably has a lot.
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..."
"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?"\n"Whattaya need?"\n"Oh, about $500."\n"Whattaya got for collateral?"\n"Whattaya need?"\n"How about an eye?"\n-- Sam Giancana
Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse?\nWE CAN HELP! Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment.
Hire the morally handicapped.
Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty.\n-- Plato
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.\n-- F.M. Hubbard
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off.  I checked into a hotel and they had towels from my house.\n-- Mark Guido
How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour?
How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they claim they'll make you?
"How many people work here?"\n"Oh, about half."
Human resources are human first, and resources second.\n-- J. Garbers
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be.  Go back to work.
I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities.
I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on the same day.  Then that night, they burned the wheel.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; If it be man's work I will do it.
I consider a new device or technology to have been culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder.\n-- M. Gallaher
I don't do it for the money.\n-- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal
I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.\n-- Elvis Presley
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.  I want to achieve immortality through not dying.\n-- Woody Allen
I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs.\n-- H.L. Mencken
I have the simplest tastes.  I am always satisfied with the best.\n-- Oscar Wilde
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.\n-- John D. Rockefeller
I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do?\n-- Raoul Duke
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.\n-- Bill Hoest
I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours.
I never cheated an honest man, only rascals.  They wanted something for nothing.  I gave them nothing for something.\n-- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil
I owe the public nothing.\n-- J.P. Morgan
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike.\n-- Emile Henry Gauvreay
I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around.
I'm always looking for a new idea that will be more productive than its cost.\n-- David Rockefeller
I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock.\n-- Henny Youngman
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly.\n-- G.K. Chesterton
If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for.\n-- W.C. Fields
If all else fails, lower your standards.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade.  A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.\n-- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged"
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it.  There's got to be a better way.\n-- Jack Handley, The New Mexican, 1988.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.\n-- Douglas Jerrold
If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would all be millionaires.\n-- Abigail Van Buren
If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to do something else.\n-- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting"
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it.  Quit work and play for once!
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work.  If you are real good, you will get out of it.
If you are over 80 years old and accompanied by your parents, we will cash your check.
If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; over 80 you are neglecting your golf.\n-- Walter Hagen
If you aren't rich you should always look useful.\n-- Louis-Ferdinand Celine
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.\n-- J. Paul Getty
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you didn't have to work so hard, you'd have more time to be depressed.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you don't have time to do it right, where are you going to find the time to do it over?
If you fail to plan, plan to fail.
If you had better tools, you could more effectively demonstrate your total incompetence.
If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it.
If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a hype.  If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype.\n-- Neil Bogart
If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers.\n-- Swami Prabhupada
If you suspect a man, don't employ him.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.\n-- Earl Wilson
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.\n-- Dorthy Parker
If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map.
If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some.\n-- Ben Franklin
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading it.  Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper.  The creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.
In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves|the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy.
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
In case of injury notify your superior immediately.  He'll kiss it and make it better.
In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours.\n-- Dr. Laurence J. Peter
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Innovation is hard to schedule.\n-- Dan Fylstra
Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.
Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast?
It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same.
It is better to live rich than to die rich.\n-- Samuel Johnson
It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental.
It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys.
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.\n-- Jerome Klapka Jerome
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
It is not enough that I should succeed.  Others must fail.\n-- Ray Kroc, Founder of McDonald's [Also attributed to David Merrick.  Ed.] It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail. -- Gore Vidal [Great minds think alike?  Ed.]
It is ridiculous to call this an industry.  This is not.  This is rat eat rat, dog eat dog.  I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they kill me.  You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.\n-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
It's been a business doing pleasure with you.
It's fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!\n-- Macy's
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground.\n-- Daniel B. Luten
It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out.\n-- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy.
Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work.
Keep up the good work!  But please don't ask me to help.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Keep your Eye on the Ball, Your Shoulder to the Wheel, Your Nose to the Grindstone, Your Feet on the Ground, Your Head on your Shoulders. Now... try to get something DONE!
Lavish spending can be disastrous.  Don't buy any lavishes for a while.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number.  Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number.\n-- James Estes
Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it.
Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed.
Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.\n-- Josh Billings
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.
Lo!  Men have become the tool of their tools.\n-- Henry David Thoreau
Loan-department manager:  "There isn't any fine print.  At these interest rates, we don't need it."
Lonesome? Like a change? Like a new job? Like excitement? Like to meet new and interesting people? JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!!
Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, con-men.  That's the way businesses get started.  That's the way this country was built.\n-- Hubert Allen
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.\n-- Frank Hubbard
Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags.\n-- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise"
Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet.\n-- P.E. Trudeau
Make headway at work.  Continue to let things deteriorate at home.
Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- no dog exchanges bones with another.\n-- Adam Smith
Man must shape his tools lest they shape him.\n-- Arthur R. Miller
Many people are unenthusiastic about their work.
Many people are unenthusiastic about your work.
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
Mater artium necessitas.\n[Necessity is the mother of invention].
Maternity pay?	Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant.\n-- Malcolm Smith
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.\n-- Leonardo da Vinci
Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities.\n-- Napoleon Bonaparte
Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in favor of smart solutions to stupid problems.\n-- Piers Anthony
Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.\n-- C.B. Luce
Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.\n-- Christopher Marlowe
Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship.
Money doesn't talk, it swears.\n-- Bob Dylan
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Money is its own reward.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Money is truthful.  If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash.\n-- Lazarus Long
Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next.\n-- Sir Edmond Stockdale
Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in years.
Moneyliness is next to Godliness.\n-- Andries van Dam
Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, if you'll consider their unacceptable offer.
Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo.\n-- Xaviera Hollander [The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.]
My idea of roughing it is when room service is late.
My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low.
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.\n-- Errol Flynn Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. -- Errol Flynn
"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb.  "Necessity is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth.\n-- Alfred North Whitehead
Neckties strangle clear thinking.\n-- Lin Yutang
Never appeal to a man's "better nature."  He may not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage.\n-- Lazarus Long
Never ask two questions in a business letter.  The reply will discuss the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other.
Never buy from a rich salesman.\n-- Goldenstern
Never buy what you do not want because it is cheap; it will be dear to you.\n-- Thomas Jefferson
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting.\n-- Billy Rose
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level.\n-- Quentin Crisp
Never let someone who says it cannot be done interrupt the person who is doing it.
Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him.
Never tell people how to do things.  Tell them WHAT to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.\n-- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr.
Never trust anyone who says money is no object.
Never try to teach a pig to sing.  It wastes your time and annoys the pig.\n-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies.  You use them when you've got nothing else to try.  If they work, they go in the Book.  Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked.\n-- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform effectively under such difficult conditions.\n-- Laurence J. Peter
"No job too big; no fee too big!"\n-- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghost-busters"
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.\n-- C. Schulz
No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.
No skis take rocks like rental skis!
No spitting on the Bus! Thank you, The Mgt.
Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.\n-- A.H. Weiler
Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.\n-- Nero Wolfe
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss put in an honest day's work.
Nothing recedes like success.\n-- Walter Winchell
Nothing succeeds like excess.\n-- Oscar Wilde
Nothing succeeds like success.\n-- Alexandre Dumas
Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success.\n-- Christopher Lascl
Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee.\n-- Kim Hubbard
Nothing will ever be attempted if all possible objections must be first overcome.\n-- Dr. Johnson
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air.\n-- Thomas L. Martin
Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.
Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer.
One good suit is worth a thousand resumes.
One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan is that there never was a plan in the first place.
One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a new model.
Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
Opportunities are usually disguised as hard work, so most people don't recognize them.
Optimism is the content of small men in high places.\n-- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up"
Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.\n-- J. Wellington Wells
Our business in life is not to succeed but to continue to fail in high spirits.\n-- Robert Louis Stevenson
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is they charge fifteen cents for them.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.\n-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries
Overdrawn?  But I still have checks left!
Owe no man any thing...\n-- Romans 13:8
People are always available for work in the past tense.
People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in the concentration camps.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" until you are told that those rooms are "punched out."  Once punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, and such.\n-- N. Meyrowitz
Porsche: there simply is no substitute.\n-- Risky Business
Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage.\n-- Ryan
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time for dreaming.\n-- J. P. McEvoy
Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded.
Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you.
Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword.
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.
Put your best foot forward.  Or just call in and say you're sick.
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!\n-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
Quantity is no substitute for quality, but its the only one we've got.
Real wealth can only increase.\n-- R. Buckminster Fuller
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than being flat broke and having a stomach ache.\n-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
Recent investments will yield a slight profit.
Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator.\n-- C.N. Parkinson
Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.
Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%.
Remember to say hello to your bank teller.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you actually have a shot at it.
Riches cover a multitude of woes.\n-- Menander
Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence.\nContrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is\nnot necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety.  They simply may\nsit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after\nthey regain their composure.
Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be surprised at how little you have.\n-- Ernest Haskins
Sears has everything.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.
So you think that money is the root of all evil.  Have you ever asked what is the root of money?\n-- Ayn Rand
So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they go to work?
Some people carve careers, others chisel them.
Some people have a great ambition: to build something that will last, at least until they've finished building it.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.
Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed.
Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for.
Some people say a front-engine car handles best.  Some people say a rear-engine car handles best.  I say a rented car handles best.\n-- P.J. O'Rourke
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the pens will multiply instead of disappear.
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it.
Someday your prints will come.\n-- Kodak
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.\n-- Bill Vaughn
Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until.
Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier.
Support your local church or synagogue.  Worship at Bank of America.
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
Take care of the luxuries and the necessities will take care of themselves.\n-- Lazarus Long
Take everything in stride.  Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people have given them to you.
Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously.\n-- Booth Tarkington
Talent does what it can. Genius does what it must. You do what you get paid to do.
Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew but weren't sure.  But if you're searching for something you don't already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death.\n-- Erma Bombeck
Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave school, and then work, work, work till we die.\n-- C.S. Lewis
That's life.\nWhat's life? A magazine.\nHow much does it cost? Two-fifty.\nI only have a dollar. That's life.
The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by people who want some.\n-- Dwight MacDonald
The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be simply making a limiting statement about himself.\n-- Sidney Harris
The absent ones are always at fault.
The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is...\nFour day work week,\nTwo ply toilet paper!
The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons.
The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog.
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by judging things by their price.
The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with them while they do it.\n-- Theodore Roosevelt
The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department.
The best things in life are for a fee.
The best things in life go on sale sooner or later.
The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities."
The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are working for someone else.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.\n-- Stanley J. Randall
The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his memos.\n-- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981
The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up!
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
The degree of technical confidence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week.
The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer.
The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.\n-- Travis McGee
The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and add ten percent.
The end of labor is to gain leisure.
The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is a substitute for intelligence.\n-- Lyman Bryson
The faster I go, the behinder I get.\n-- Lewis Carroll
The finest eloquence is that which gets things done.
The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
The first myth of management is that it exists.  The second myth of management is that success equals skill.\n-- Robert Heller
The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack."\n-- H.L. Mencken
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.\n-- Paul Erlich
The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization.\n-- Alan Coult
The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.\n-- Robert Heinlein
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus.  Guaranteed to be at least 5000 years old."
The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife.\n-- Harry V. Wade
The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest.
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly important thing to people.\n-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.\n-- Adam Walinsky
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the bonds will eventually mature.
The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, always end up on their ends without any means.\n-- Saul Alinsky
The meek don't want it.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights.\n-- J.P. Getty
The meek shall inherit the Earth.  (But they're gonna have to fight for it.)
The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that time there won't be anything left worth inheriting.
The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.\n-- Richard Bach, "Illusions"
The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.  (For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...)
The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in the country is the one on which you resell it.\n-- J. Brecheux
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.\n-- T.H. White
The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.
The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop and take a rest.
The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to be less cunning than more virtuous men.  Oh yes ... whenever you think you've got something really great, add ten per cent more.\n-- Bill Veeck
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.\n-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
The opossum is a very sophisticated animal.  It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 PM.
The optimum committee has no members.\n-- Norman Augustine
The opulence of the front office door varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The other line moves faster.
The person who can smile when something goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything.
The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying.
The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it.\n-- Anthony Burgess
The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate knowledge of its ugly side.\n-- James Baldwin
The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired warranty.  Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped marker.\n-- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem.\n-- Mike Smith
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
The reward for working hard is more hard work.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.\n-- Emerson
The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. The haves get more, the have-nots die.
The road to ruin is always in good repair, and the travellers pay the expense of it.\n-- Josh Billings
The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement.  It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself.\n-- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal"
The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it made.\n-- Jean Giraudoux
The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, respectability and children.  Nothing can lift those seven milestones from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the milestones are lifted.\n-- George Bernard Shaw
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.\n-- Noelie Alito
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be able to correct them.\n-- Nicolaides
The star of riches is shining upon you.
The superior man understands what is right; the inferior man understands what will sell.\n-- Confucius
The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.\n-- C.N. Parkinson
The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.\n-- Franklin P. Jones
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing more important to do.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
The trouble with money is it costs too much!
The trouble with opportunity is that it always comes disguised as hard work.\n-- Herbert V. Prochnow
The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.\n-- Lily Tomlin
The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."\n-- Dorothy Parker
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.\n-- B. Franklin
The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.
The wages of sin are unreported.
The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.
Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... and you'd better not refuse.
Them as has, gets.
Then there was the ScoutMaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of Tates brand compasses for his troup; only $1.25 each!  Only problem was, when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing to the "W" on the dial. Moral:\nHe who has a Tates is lost!
There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break about even for all of us.  I have observed, for example, that we all get about the same amount of ice.  The rich get it in the summer and the poor get it in the winter.\n-- Bat Masterson
There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?\n-- Woody Allen
There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange.\n-- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 (Black Tuesday)
There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital and labour.  As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting each other's throat.\n-- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun"
There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper.
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult when you do it reluctantly.\n-- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence)
There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him.  If he says "Yes" you know he is crooked.\n-- Groucho Marx
There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong.
There must be more to life than having everything.\n-- Maurice Sendak
There's no such thing as a free lunch.\n-- Milton Friendman
There's nothing worse for your business than extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room.\n-- W. Bossert
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish.\n-- Darrell Royal
This is a good time to punt work.
This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down!
Those who claim the dead never return to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time.
Those who do things in a noble spirit of self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs.\n-- N. Alexander.
Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.\n-- Theophrastus
Time to take stock.  Go home with some office supplies.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.\n-- Elbert Hubbard
To be or not to be, that is the bottom line.
To do nothing is to be nothing.
To do two things at once is to do neither.\n-- Publilius Syrus
To get back on your feet, miss two car payments.
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three persons, two of them absent.
To restore a sense of reality, I think Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland.\n-- Jack Paar
To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda.
To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
To stay youthful, stay useful.
To the landlord belongs the doorknobs.
To thine own self be true.  (If not that, at least make some money.)
Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity.  They seem more afraid of life than death.\n-- James F. Byrnes
Too much is not enough.
Too much of everything is just enough.\n-- Bob Wier
Truth is free, but information costs.
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.\n-- Howard Kandel
Veni, Vidi, VISA|I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL|Firings will continue until morale improves.
Waste not, get your budget cut next year.
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
We all live in a state of ambitious poverty.\n-- Decimus Junius Juvenalis
We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one.\n-- John Fisher
"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself."\n-- Cameron Hawley
We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died.
We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog.  If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves.\n-- Crazy Jimmy
We're living in a golden age.  All you need is gold.\n-- D.W. Robertson.
Weekend, where are you?
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be broken down into subjects and predicates.  This is not because Quality is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct.\n-- R. Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency?
What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.
Whatever is not nailed down is mine.  Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down.\n-- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him--that's where the money is.\n-- Robespierre
When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the thing," it's the money.\n-- Kim Hubbard
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When I works, I works hard. When I sits, I sits easy. And when I thinks, I goes to sleep.
When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.\n-- James H. Boren
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when your boss is away and you get twice as much done.\n-- Daniel B. Luten
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. "Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle!  I'm strapped for cash and I haven't the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!"\n"I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe.  "I was afraid you might have some idea that you could borrow from me!"
When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you go out to buy, don't show your silver.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.\n-- The Wall Street Journal
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.\n-- Henry J. Kaiser
Where there's a will, there's a relative.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing.\n-- Thomas Tusser
Whoever dies with the most toys wins.
Why be a man when you can be a success?\n-- Bertolt Brecht
Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even!
Wishing without work is like fishing without bait.\n-- Frank Tyger
Work expands to fill the time available.\n-- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955
Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people to do so.\n-- Bertrand Russell
Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life.\n-- Schulz
Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling.
Work without a vision is slavery, Vision without work is a pipe dream, But vision with work is the hope of the world.
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.\n-- Snoopy
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.\n-- Joseph E. Levine
You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements.\n-- Norman Douglas
You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.\n-- Superchicken
You know, the difference between this company and the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers.
You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes.  I would rather it were you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company.\n-- J. Wellington Wells
