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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
In my manuscript, I have it "What I propose"...
4wd:
That's fine.
kyrathaba:
Chapter 19 has been added, and the entire manuscript unloaded in epub/mobi formats as a zip archive in the OP. Chapter 19 currently has 2,562 words.
4wd:
Chapter 19:
His orders are to accompany the Medical techs and the two corpses to reinforced isolation for the bodies of Designees 2135 and 3025.
--- End quote ---
Seems to be numerical duplication to me, possibly:
His orders are to accompany the Medical techs as the corpses of Designees 2135 and 3025 are placed in reinforced isolation.
“Now you are invading my personal space,” observed A32N-43. Do you require assistance in returning to your former position? Sensors indicate that your heart rate and blood pressure have risen above healthy levels. Perhaps you are not functioning optimally. I repeat: do you require assistance?”
--- End quote ---
“Now you are invading my personal space,” observed A32N-43. “Do you require assistance in returning to your former position? Sensors indicate that your heart rate and blood pressure have risen above healthy levels. Perhaps you are not functioning optimally. I repeat: do you require assistance?”
Berber ripped the body bag open, almost jamming the heavy-duty zipper. Then, he and Aralania De Codamus gripped Shima Soki’s corpse in gloved hands and lifted it from the bag and onto a stainless steel table.
--- End quote ---
I'm not sure it's necessary to mention Aralania's full name again, since the same hasn't been done for Berber.
He referred to the android they’d left at the corridor that gave access onto this bank of four adjacent observation cells, each encased behind two-inch thick safety glass.
--- End quote ---
I think 'in' and 'to' would be more suitable, I'm also not sure about 'bank', (a bank of cells/rooms sounds strange), but the only other word I can think of is suite. Maybe drop it altogether:
He referred to the android they’d left in the corridor that gave access to these four adjacent observation cells, each encased behind two-inch thick safety glass.
Android A32N-15 used a pallet jack to raise a pallet of heavy boxes of large rolls of insulation tape off a warehouse floor in a subsection of Engineering.
--- End quote ---
Probably me but there seems to be too much 'of' too close together, possibly:
In a subsection of Engineering, android A32N-15 used a pallet truck to relocate a pallet heavy with boxes of insulation tape.
Android A32N-43 stood next to the cot with two specialized robot tools. “Welcome, brother, and congratulations. The Council is well-pleased indeed to bestow this honor on you. You will be the fourth to join our elite rank.”
A32N-43 lay down on the table, and his fellow turned on the robotic machines he had prepared. “I am honored. Serving the Council is its own honor,” he said.
A32N-15 echoed him, “Serving the Council is its own honor.” He produced a small case, while one of the robot tools drew a laser expertly in a rectangle along the synthflesh covering 43’s chest.
--- End quote ---
The first sentence above makes it seem as if '43 is already 'modified' and is welcoming an unmodified android, however it turns out to be the opposite.
Alarms blared throughout the compound. A majority of personnel are in Ericson Cavern right now. That was the only hopeful thought that went through Mephord’s head as he stumbled out of his cot, still fully clothed, and began issuing orders and inquiries via his implant as he headed for the Core.
--- End quote ---
Possibly:
The majority of personnel are in Ericson Cavern right now. This was Mephord's immediate thought as he was jerked awake by alarms blaring throughout the compound. He stumbled out of his cot, still fully clothed, issuing orders and inquiries via his implant as he headed for the Core.
Only problem is you lose the slight impact of 'Alarms blared throughout the compound.' being the first sentence - not sure :-\
Android A32N-44 had relieved A32N43 several minutes ago, and swiveled its head to watch the Administrator rush past. It maintained its guard post in a corridor leading to observation cells.
--- End quote ---
Possibly:
Android A32N-44, who had relieved A32N-43 several minutes ago, swiveled its head to watch the Administrator rush past. It maintained its guard post in the corridor leading to the observation cells.
4wd:
Just as a matter of interest, would it be preferable to release every 2 days or so?
I'm wondering if it might be better to have some sort of informal schedule, I know I'm having trouble following the number of corrections/suggestions/updates/etc because they happen so often. It's why I'm now not re-reading from the beginning until it's reached a more static state.
And please, some other readers join in the discussion - if it's just Perry and I then before long you'll have koalas swinging from stalactites and platypus foraging in the river, (trust me, it will happen - just look what happened when I mentioned anus) ;)
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