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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
Original post in this thread has been updated with these edits. Online html version also updated.
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 7
Paragraph 16.2 "After Covington’s deception and Sethra’s cryptic audio message, Jim felt sure he was becoming far more scrupulous than he’d ever been before in his half century of life." I'm not sure if this is just because I'm re-reading, but the scrupulous thing bothered me a little after the developments of later chapters. I wondered if it wasn't just becoming more scrupulous, but applying his scruple to areas he hadn't before? Maybe that is 'becoming more scrupulous'? :-\
Paragraph 16.4 "Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." Understated?
Paragraph 16.5 "It had been stripped of the large motors that drive its undercarriage brushes, creating ample room for a few individuals to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch. This unit’s identification numbers were a match for a unit videotaped entering the power conduit tunnel in just about the correct time-frame, on the evening of the Shaft debacle." videotaped?? Surely not, these guys may not even know what that is? Also I think 'to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch' is not required at this point? I'm not sure 'debacle' is the perfect word? In many senses it was a success...
Paragraph 16.7
"After all, Michael Covington was never willing to submit to standard, routine checkups in Sickbay." I think 'in Sickbay' is superfluous here... he'd never submit to checkups anywhere.
"Once the Medical team finishes its dissection and a slew of biochemical tests, they may have further suggestions to make along those lines." Should that be 'Once the Medical team finishes its dissection and the slew of biochemical tests, they may have further suggestions to make along those lines.'?
Paragraph 16.8 "And consider this: what if these aliens have some ability to control our actions. I dunno, a close-range compulsion, or momentary mind-control. They could then easily turn large numbers of firearms against us." I guess that explains firearm issues in USA? ;)
Paragraph 16.9 "What I propose" Missing quotation mark: '"What I do propose'...
Paragraph 16.10 "The administrator nodded." Should be 'Administrator'
Paragraph 16.12 "and that’s via descent down the Shaft." It doesn't sound wrong, but it looks wrong (as in tautology)...
Paragraph 16.13 "Mephord scratched another sentence onto an old-fashioned electronic-ink board." It's funny how we use ingrained terminology from much older technology ;D
Paragraph 16.14 "To be fair to the administrator’s staff" Should be 'Administrator’s'
Paragraph 16.16
"He may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, for all we know. On the other hand, for all we know, the entire race is in regular telepathic communication with one another." Repeated 'for all we know'
"They’ll either do nothing, or else perhaps send an extraction team. Either way, the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign[,] will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats." I don't think that Jamie would have been so exact with only two options after 'too many unknowns'... leaves me thinking what about this, or that, or something else?? I'd add that comma too.
Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6
Perry Mowbray:
Original post in this thread has been updated with these edits. Online html version also updated.
-kyrathaba (July 01, 2013, 08:57 AM)
--- End quote ---
Not that I need to keep the old downloads, but it'd be easier sorting if they were named kyrathaba_20130701 type thing ;)
kyrathaba:
Can do.
4wd:
Paragraph 16.9 "What I propose" Missing quotation mark: '"What I do propose'...-Perry Mowbray (July 01, 2013, 09:51 AM)
--- End quote ---
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.
Paragraph 16.12 "and that’s via descent down the Shaft." It doesn't sound wrong, but it looks wrong (as in tautology)...
--- End quote ---
"...and that's descending via the Shaft."
or
"...and that's a descent via the Shaft."
"He may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, for all we know. On the other hand, for all we know, the entire race is in regular telepathic communication with one another."
--- End quote ---
For all we know, he may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, or that the entire race is in regular telepathic communication.
Looking back at this one:
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. ....
--- End quote ---
It might be better to split them elsewhere:
"Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping. According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, our death-rate is now declining.
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