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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"
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Good catch, mouser. Fixed.
Now I've got to go through Perry's catches/suggestions (if I can: I just saw his proposed cover image and am blown away it's so good!)
4wd:
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. A-3 is home, now, to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We are going to rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!" It maybe just me? but a couple of word changes makes it read better I think, see what you think: 'Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate will also decline. Currently A-3 is home to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We will rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!'-Perry Mowbray (July 01, 2013, 07:55 AM)
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Not sure about that, the way it's written sounds as if the second sentence should be part of the first, ie.
Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay, our death-rate will also decline.
Better would be to transpose the start and end of the first, the second would then not sound like it's hanging in mid-air, ie.
According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping. Our death rate will also decline.
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 5
Paragraph 15.6 "And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in A-3 compound." Do you think 'A-3' is superfluous again? Maybe 'And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in the compound.' or 'And yet, you cannot find any hint of our presence in the A-3 compound.'??
Paragraph 15.22 "Medical proboscises continue to monitor, inject. The robot medic notes that the human bodies it is monitoring show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars. It has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. The robot medic logs: when blood sugar depletion occurs, these biological machines will cease to function. Readouts scroll up a tiny holographic display: Immersions in progress. Variables within tolerances. Estimated time remaining: seventy-two minutes." I was going to complain about the use of 'depletion', but it seems to have a specific medical definition that is stronger than what's in common usage (i.e. complete emptying). But I would consider maybe something like the following that seems more like a log: 'Medical proboscises continue to measure, inject. The robot medic notes that the human bodies it is monitoring show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars, and logs: Biological machines will cease to function when blood sugar is depleted. It has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow or reverse this decrease. Readouts scroll up a tiny holographic display: Immersions in progress. Variables within tolerances. Estimated duration remaining: seventy-two minutes.'
Only two! ;) Must be getting close :Thmbsup:
kyrathaba:
Also... What is the story of the Gherlin Offensive of 2270? Have I missed an explanation? Six years before the Attack??
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You haven't missed an explanation. It's clear from the context that the characters themselves are familiar with the episode. Just another thing the reader hopes to learn more about by reading further.
I noticed I frequently failed to capitalize "Administrator", so I've added an auto-replace rule to keep me from that mistake in the future.
Perry, fantastic proof-reading!!
Perry Mowbray:
Better would be to transpose the start and end of the first, the second would then not sound like it's hanging in mid-air, ie.
According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping. Our death rate will also decline.
-4wd (July 01, 2013, 08:22 AM)
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:Thmbsup: Thank you: it's been a long day :)
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