Main Area and Open Discussion > Living Room
Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
Perry Mowbray:
Thanks for all the great feedback!!
What is hynotherapy?
--- End quote ---
Therapy under hypnosis, sometimes medicated and -- if the trauma to be recalled and worked-through is horrific -- the patient may be immobilized (as with the harnesses in the immersion pods).
-kyrathaba (June 30, 2013, 09:19 AM)
--- End quote ---
It's odd that it's not in any online dictionaries :-\
mouser:
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"
Perry Mowbray:
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"
-mouser (July 01, 2013, 05:54 AM)
--- End quote ---
It's not in dictionaries, but it is all over the web: http://www.yelp.com/biz/sullivan-hynotherapy-arlington-heights
Perry Mowbray:
OK... I'm back to re-reading from the beginning project...
Chapter 4
Paragraph 13.2 "It’s sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture, and the unmistakable grooves of a huge borer machine tiled the walls in a spiral pattern that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole." It's should be 'Its'; tiled implies covering with tiles (maybe?); and the and seems to imply that the grooves are not present at lesser depth? If so, maybe: 'Its sides, at this depth, were slick with moisture. The unmistakable spiral grooves of the huge borer machine that made Byron think of the helix of stripes going up a barber’s pole.'
Paragraph 13.5 "Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, it continues another eighty meters into the bedrock." I'm not sure if it's just me? But I'd have something like 'Certainly. Beyond the base of the Shaft, the Infrastructure Pole continues another eighty meters into bedrock.'
Paragraph 13.8 "“Probably wouldn't function now, though” Sethra voiced." Missing punctuation? '“Probably wouldn't function now, though,” Sethra voiced.'
Paragraph 13.9 "“Actually, they should still be operational,” said Byron. “Any lazy bum of an Engineer,” he glanced at Sethra and winked, “could tell you that there are no onboard electronics. Just safety harnesses for the passengers. “There is a mechanical means of detecting descent velocity, which can activate nozzles to spray an impact-absorption foam throughout the cabin. It’s possible that even if one of these things went into free-fall, its passengers would survive the impact.”" Extra quotation mark.
Paragraph 13.13
"The ladder has ten-inch rungs that are tubular except for flattened tops coated in friction material. " Metric ~= 250mm
"But that is only Two Point control and much likelier to lead to a fall." I was sure this was mentioned? Anyway, I'd have 'But that is only Two Point control and much more likely to lead to a fall.' as that's how I, personally, would add emphasis.
Paragraph 13.15 "It’s actually not very dangerous, if you make sure to use the Three Point Control method of ascent." I was going to complain about just not being about ascent, but the documents online just talk about climbing too ;)
Paragraph 13.16 "Assuming the Shaft cameras truly aren’t functioning. Sethra bristled at the idea of leaving Veronee behind, but held his tongue." I wasn't sure about the end of this paragraph... is the italicised Byron's thought? If so, the next sentence could be in its own paragraph? :-\
Paragraph 13.19 "Are you kidding? I’m a fantastic climber. I could pull myself up that ladder with my hands alone." Do you think that should be 'arms'?
Paragraph 13.26 "The administrator had only succeeded in freeing his hands to deal with the meddlesome group he now watched via the supposedly malfunctioning cameras in the Shaft." Should that be 'The Administrator'?
Paragraph 13.34 "These look almost like some of the heat dissipation units we use in the sewage plant. Or, maybe a more advanced version of some late twentieth century air-conditioning grills." Are they not basically the same thing?
Paragraph 13.35 "is that these filters obviously haven’t been routinely treated to a cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating." Sounds a little clumsy to me, maybe: 'is that these filters obviously have not been serviced: they require routine cleansing and reapplication of the absorption coating.'?
Paragraph 13.42 "Sethra stepped down from a railing where he’d been diagnosing the cameras. “These cameras are in perfect working order, which doesn’t surprise me.”" If I was Sethra I think I'd have smiled and waved at the cameras at this point ;)
Paragraph 13.69 "Then, shaking himself, he ran to Veronee, kneeling at her side, and leaning down to peer through her helmet faceplate." I didn't know if that should be 'leaned'?
Paragraph 13.70 "some two meters closer to the center of the creature." Should that be 'body'?
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 5
Paragraph 14.3
"Eddie had been perhaps the closest friend he had in the entire A-3 compound." Do you think 'A-3' is necessary here?
"When the administrator lifted his head and his red-rimmed eyes met Brother Truvo’s, the priest cleared his throat and began." Should be 'Administrator'?
Paragraph 14.4 "Fellow compounders, we are gathered together for the grave purpose of saying goodbye to one of our finest, Dr. Eddie Hasser of Medical" Do you think that's necessary? I haven't actually heard a phrase like that in a funeral service (tho' maybe it's blocked by emotion?), anyway, I would have thought: 'Fellow compounders, we are gathered together so say goodbye to one of our finest, Dr. Eddie Hasser of Medical' would suffice?
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. A-3 is home, now, to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We are going to rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!" It maybe just me? but a couple of word changes makes it read better I think, see what you think: 'Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate will also decline. Currently A-3 is home to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We will rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!'
Paragraph 14.11 "She was level-headed and honest, two qualities the administrator would have prized highly" Should that be 'Administrator'?
Paragraph 14.13 "I asked you three to meet with me for two reasons: one, I trust each of you, thoroughly; two, there are some facts that need discussing among level-headed individuals who are not prone to panic. I trust that my assessment in that regard is accurate for each of you?" I wondered if Mark Shields would have enquired about Michael Covington missing presence in the meeting? I always read 'Shield’s predecessor' in 14.10 as not public knowledge; tho' 14.32 has 'Security Chief Mark Shields', so that implies that he's officially taken the position. Not sure if Covington's death has been made public, even amongst these three, but no other funeral... would have raised questions?
Paragraph 14.17 "gallantly offering her the first opportunity to speak" Should that be 'gallantly offering her the opportunity to speak first,'?
Paragraph 14.36 "Sickbay records confirm body scans showing robotic arms covered in synthflesh." Would 'contain' be better?
Paragraph 14.37 "The administrator went through the same exercise, putting another name on the dry-erase board" Should that be 'Administrator' Also next paragraph?
Paragraph 14.40 "If there had ever been a time for brandy, and in copious supply, this was it" Not sure he'd really think 'copious'? Maybe 'ample'?
Paragraph 14.62 "Two: if there are other aliens in the compound, can we detect them, and what defenses can be put in place covertly for the next time one reveals itself?" I'm not sure that's what he means? Is it not 'covertly detect them before they reveal themselves'? But maybe he's not thought that far??
Also... What is the story of the Gherlin Offensive of 2270? Have I missed an explanation? Six years before the Attack??
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version