Main Area and Open Discussion > Living Room
Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
Going to mow yard, and then eat lunch with my father. Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 2
Paragraph 11.3 "The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively, the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound, and the security area leading to the sole tunnel that eventually gave onto the vertical shaft leading to the surface." I'm not totally sure about this, but see what you think: 'The Core was the central cluster of chambers that held, respectively: the main and backup fusion reactors, the central computers serving the entire compound and the security area leading to the sole tunnel, which eventually leads to the vertical shaft leading to the surface.'
Paragraph 11.5 "Their backs were to the two men seated at the card table twenty feet away." Metric ~= 6 metres (though you write 'meters')
Paragraph 11.5 "as they watched a pair of tiny sea-horses cavorting around and through the holes in a coral reef replica." sea-horses is generally written 'seahorses' according to WikiPedia. Concerning the population of the tank, I found this interesting: "Animals sold as "freshwater seahorses" are usually the closely related pipefish, of which a few species live in the lower reaches of rivers. The supposed true "freshwater seahorse" called H. aimei was not a real species, but a name sometimes used for Barbour's and Hedgehog seahorses. The latter is a species that can be found in brackish waters, but not actually a freshwater fish."
Paragraph 11.5 "Zebra fish, some of them genetically modified glowers, darted to and fro." Did you mean Zebrafish?
Paragraph 11.6 "Finally, satisfied, he slipped off a rather special ring and laid it on the table, then went over to a vending machine and spent five credits on a deck of playing cards and a set of poker chips." Remembering the groups later struggle to come to grips with the use of money, maybe 'used five credits to get...' would be more reflective?
Paragraph 11.8 "I mean, here we are at the end of our racial rope, dying like poisoned rats in a maze, and yet someone’s worried about what other people are saying?" They don't poison rats and put them in a maze, do they?? What about rats trapped on a sinking ship?
Paragraph 11.9 "He’s taking precautions to prevent a ‘poor outcome.’” Should be 'poor outcome'."?
Paragraph 11.11 "Sethra, stacking poker chips of different values into piles" Would 'denominations' be better?
Paragraph 11.17 "In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades hung from the other side of his belt, opposite the gun’s holster." Not totally sure about this, but wondered about something like: 'In addition to the standard implant, he was outfitted with a sidearm, and a pair of neutralizer grenades, which hung from his belt on the opposite side to the gun’s holster.'
Paragraph 11.18 "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol, there?” he sent out via his communications console. " he sent out via just doesn't sound right to me... Would you consider something like: 'Covington depressed a button on the communications console, "Chief of Security to Shaft Access Tunnel. Who’s on patrol there?”' But it may just be me ;)
Paragraph 11.20 "There is one anomaly to report" Am I right in thinking that Matteo was killed because he identified the anomalies caused by the radiation disc non-maintenance? Covington seemed to have planned to kill him previously (though the “Damn it!” in 11.54 seems to indicate that he was hoping he would have forgotten), so there must have been previous anomalies that he'd discovered... so I didn't know if it would have been better to have a clue in there somewhere, like 'one more anomaly' or 'another anomaly'?
And if that was the non-maintenance, would not the bulkhead been opened?
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so?? I was assuming that the communications would have been saved, and therefore needing deleting??
Paragraph 11.24 "It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him, socially, in over a month." Socially doesn't seem right... or am I just thinking it's general society type social? Could it just be 'It pissed him off that she’d not made contact with him in over a month.'? I'm not sure what value 'socially' adds??
Paragraph 11.29 "Around the card table, the four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes." I wondered if it should be 'the' because they were already introduced earlier in 11.23??
Paragraph 11.29 "but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security... So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool." Those two bits don't really agree... what about: 'but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to flank the group and provide interference if required...' (how's that for a non-american? ;) )
Paragraph 11.30 "but also facilitates the actual transfer of the consciousness into the simulation." Should it be 'the' consciousness, as referring to the user's consciousness rather than general??
Paragraph 11.35 "or we might as well wave a flag and say ‘Here we are!’" I think there's a missing comma: "or we might as well wave a flag and say, ‘Here we are!’"??
Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.” I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'
Paragraph 11.56 "He received an acknowledgment signal from android A32N-6, in response to which he flipped a switch causing the security cameras in that corridor to continue to increment their chronograph but to loop the past five seconds of video until he toggled again." I'm thinking that a security system would not have a simple switch to do the opposite of what it's designed to do? What would the [built in] purpose of a looping video + incrementing time? Seems like something that would have to be implemented surreptitiously?
Perry Mowbray:
Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.
-kyrathaba (June 26, 2013, 09:56 AM)
--- End quote ---
When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).
kyrathaba:
When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).
--- End quote ---
Aaahhh... That's delightful. Well, feed her Ch. 16. That will curb the worst of the withdrawal symptoms. I'll try to put up Ch 17. tonight or early tomorrow.
kyrathaba:
Thanks! Made many corrections.
My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?
The software not only creates a continuous reality for users to experience, but also facilitates the actual transfer of consciousness into the simulation.
--- End quote ---
Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.” I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'
--- End quote ---
They should have been more careful. Byron's more seat of the pants than Sethra, and figured the question was general enough not to implicate them.
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??
--- End quote ---
Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version