PART 1.

Back to the beginning, after departing 3 hours late from Sydney and the subsequent 3 hour late arrival at Buenos Aires, the mad taxi dash across B.A. to get to the domestic airport, we caught the flight the Iguazu.

The following day was the tour to the Argentinian side of the falls and just as we got out to the end of a 900m catwalk to view the Devil's Throat, the rains came - or should I say, some idiot upstairs decided to pull the plug on about 2000 bathtubs all at once.  We got saturated....but of course that wasn't the end of the tour, we had to continue to view the other various falls in the downpour.  After which, we were left sitting around in soggy clothes for a couple of hours while the rest of group had been directed to the food area.......not impressed.

Next day it was sunny and it was off to the Brazilian side of the falls - which turned out to be much better organised and better views of the falls.  Still got saturated but as a result of the spray from the falls and dried out quickly because it was very hot.

The following day it was back to B.A. and overnight in a B&B close to the airport for a early rise, 0630am.  Off to Peru we go!

Arrive at Lima and then catch the flight to Cuzco. We got to our Hostel, (Piccolo Locanda), and shown to our room with a view over the centre of Cuzco.  Staff very friendly, room small but very clean, breakfast very good.
Sue decided that we should take next day easy to acclimatise to the altitude and so booked a tour of the Sacred Valley.

Easy?    HUH!

More bloody steps to climb up to Pisaq ruins, (about a 1km from where the bus stops), then of course you have to walk all the way back.  Next stop was Ollantaytambo and more steps although a lot less distance to walk.

Back at Cuzco for one more night before leaving early in the morning, (which seems to be normal - getting up at 0600 to leave to go somewhere every day), on the Tourist bus to Puno and Lake Titikaka.  Excellent guided bus journey with plenty of retail opportunities...lots of woven, knitted and carved stuff.  Indeed, all bus journeys seem to be retail opportunities.

We arrive in Puno and are transferred to our hotel for the night, (Hotel 'El Buho' - which means 'owl').  It's immediately out to see the cathedral in the main square and while we're in the square a load of people start playing music and a line of dancers start up but, as seems to be the case, no sooner had they started than it began to rain.  They continued on while we sought shelter in a restaurant, noticing that they served Cuy but we're told that all the tourists have eaten them and there's none to be had - so we have omelets instead.
Then it's out to find the token gifts for our host family on Amantani Island the following day.

Up early for the boat ride to the floating reed islands of Uros which are suspended 17 metres over the bottom of the lake.

Then it's a 3 hour ride to Amantani Island where we are to stay the night with a host family.  After having lunch at 15:00 it's up to the meeting place for the hike up the hill, (altitude 4130m), to take in the sunset and the site of a once a year ritual.  Along the path up to the summit there are plenty retail opportunites.  By the time we reach the top it's cloudy so there's no sunset and the wind off the lake is bitingly cold, so after 10 minutes of taking pictures it's time to head down to the village and dinner.

The next we're off to Taquile Island, about 1 hour away, to explore the village and have a buffet lunch.  The lunch turns out to be not buffet but the view from the restaurant is excellent, from there it's 540 steps down the hill to our boat waiting in the harbour for the ride back to Puno.

And now as we rest for a few short hours in the Hotel El Buho in Puno ready for yet another early 0600 wake up and depart back to Cuzco, we are going to try the food of the kings tonight - fried Cuy, (Guinea Pig), and possibly a Pisco Sour.

PART 2.

And so on to the next installment.

We last left our intrepid travellers about to chow down some wholesome spatchcocked Cuy - which ended up tasting like turkey and a lot more fiddly to get off the bones.  They also leave the head attached so that you know you're not getting cat, (and it sits there grimacing at you with it's teeth bared).

We left the next morning on a direct bus back to Cusco and arrived back at our palatial domicile, Piccolo Locanda.

Booked a tour to Machu Picchu by train for the next day just so we could have the pleasure of rising at 04:45 to catch the VistaDome train at 06:05.....some sleep would be nice at some point.

Contrary to our current run of luck, it turned out to be a remarkably clear day.  Had a snack of smoked turkey, ham, edam and farmers cheese on the train.  Arrived Aguas Calliente 3.5 hours later on what has to be the world's slowest train ride.

On the bus up to Machu Picchu and then climbed up more bloody steps to the Inca Trail where it arrives at M.P. - so we can say we've been on it!  Off to the vantage point that all photos of M.P. are taken from and took a photo.........or two.........possibly three........

About 14:30 we had to go catch a bus back to the train and true to form, it started raining almost as soon as we got off of it and so ended up getting a bit wet.

15:25 it's back onto the world's slowest train, another nice snack on the way back.....plus.....a fashion show!   (Note to self: Don't seek employment with Orient Express, they make you do strange things.)

Arrive back at Cusco at about 20:00 and off to our favourite restaurant for a well earned three course meal for the grand price of S/8.00 each, (about AU$4.00).

The next day we didn't have to go anywhere so it meant we could actually sit down at our hostel and enjoy breakfast....instead of just picking up a brown paper bag of crackers.

Since it was our last day in Cusco we decided to do something out of the ordinary and walk around it to see the sights - something that had been limited previously to staring out the window of the taxi, bus, plane, train on the way to their respective stations.

Completely by surprise we ended up at Babieca Trattoria at dinner time for another sumptuous repast, safe in the knowledge we wouldn't get gut rot having already survived the previous three encounters.

And so ended our close encounter with Peru, which could have ended up being longer due to the plane from Cusco leaving 1 hour late and the LAN staff at Lima telling us we didn't have to pay the airport tax or go through immigration.......they were wrong.  So with 45 mins before our plane to Santiago left we had to dash from one end of the airport to the other to pay tax, go through immigration and run back to the other end of the airport..........Adios Peru!

Buenos Dias Chile!  Off the plane and out to catch a bus to Valparaiso, very helpful and friendly people, very efficient bus service.

Arrive at Valparaiso about 21:30 and grab a taxi to our next salubrious domicile.....Millenium House!  The taxi driver looked a little surprised we wanted to get out of his nice safe taxi into a place more suited to dark doings, muggings, etc.  Need I mention the fact that between us and our temporary abode there were more bloody stairs....and then there before us stood Millenium House in all it's glory!

A few rings on the doorbell elicited an head out of an upper window and "uno momento".  Wasn't really as bad as it looked from outside, (except for the cold shower in the morning), and full of happy people.  

Up in the morning and off for a quick walk around the area, during the night our ship had come in and sat just off shore from where the hostel was.  So off we set with bags in tow and the ship in sight only to be cruelly informed by a friendly taxi driver that the Embarkation Terminal was 2kms back in the direction of the bus terminal by which we'd arrived....typical.

So, one taxi ride later we find ourselves in the queue to go through all the procedures to get on the ship.  Onto a bus to be whisked back the 2kms to where the ship lay.  The cabins, (staterooms), weren't ready so we were forced to go up to the Lido Deck and gorge ourselves to capacity on a buffet provided for just that purpose.  After 2pm the cabins were ready so we rolled out of our seats and trundled off to unpack and freshen up.
What luxury!  Most people had to make do with only one window about 1x1.2m but we had two!  Each one about 16" in diameter.  Not only that, we were up the pointy end!

At 17:00 the ship set sail so we ventured upwards from the deepest bowels of Dolphin Deck to watch it happen.  As Valparaiso slipped slowly behind we relaxed on deck chairs.  With the disappearance of land we stepped back inside and found that they had started a buffet grill next to the Lido Deck pool........so a few plate loads later, feeling pleasantly overstuffed, we toddle off to look around the rest of the ship.

We arise the next morning and get ready for a day of action-packed nothingness.  Sue decided to attend some lectures on what we might miss seeing if looking in the wrong direction and port tours provided at great expense by our illustrious hosts.

I decided my time was better spent by sitting in a deck chair and pretending I was meant to be there.

Thus passed the time until the inevitable happened......meal time......such a dilemma......so much food, so little time.......we tried our best but it was a lost cause.  If they didn't keep changing the menu I am positive we could work our way through the whole lot.

We returned to our cabin to find that someone had left, (besides the standard two chocolates), a nice reusable shopping bag emblazoned with the company's logo.  Goody, no longer would we need to worry about which dishes to try and cram on our plates - we could put the ones that didn't fit into the bag for later consumption!
 
And thus passed our first full day aboard the good ship 'ms Amsterdam'.

The next morning we arise to find someone had conveniently located a port outside, Puerto Montt, (hhhmmmm, perhaps there is an alternate use for the shopping bag?).
After the inevitable gluttony of breakfast we caught a tender going to shore and together with some fellow like-minded passengers, (a.k.a. cheapskates), procured the services of a driver, guide and van for a tour out to Petrohue Falls, Puerto Varas, Ensenada and back to the local market in Puerto Montt at less than half the cost of the offering of HAL.  Viva La ShortArmes!!

The ship set sail at 17:00 as we dined on tacos and pizza.
Later, (after dinner consisting of a very well cooked Black Pepper Crusted New York Sirloin Steak), we caught a movie in the Wajang Theatre before retiring to our cabin for some well earned sleep and prepare ourselves for the next day's culinary onslaught.

Tuesday, (the only way we know it's Tuesday is that they change the rugs in the elevators, each one has the day of the week on it - there's a remarkable lack of clocks onboard and you tend to walk around in a food induced stupor between meals), up early as we were traversing the Darwin Channel, catalog of critters seen: South American Sea Lion, Black & Brown Albatross, Skuas, Petrels, Imperial Cormorants and Magellanic Penguin heads, (if you're lucky, they stick them up for a few seconds to see what's happening before disappearing again).

The ocean has about a 1.5' swell running but the pool has about 3', very few people brave the pool, possibly to avoid having their brains bashed out as the water sloshes from one end to the other.......or perhaps it's to avoid being impaled on the rather sharp claws of the bronze polar bear?

Out into the Humboldt Current and off down the coast we go, tomorrow it's up early again as we get to see the Amalia Glacier.

We got up early, it was Wednesday according to the elevator.  Off to The Crows Nest to await the appearance of the glacier.
It's drizzling and a little foggy but it clears a bit as we arrive to view the glacier.  Some hardy souls are out on the bow of the ship getting wet in their quest to photograph it.  I fortified myself by having a hot chocolate and a couple of pastries before setting forth to the deck above The Crows Nest from where I could view the glacier from a much higher altitude than those in the bow and still get wet.
The ship pivoted upon it's axis so that those with the luxury of a verandah or balcony stateroom didn't have to interrupt their breakfast in bed in order to enjoy the spectacle.
We decided to retire to the Lido Restaurant to enjoy Eggs Benedict, (Massini and Italian), while watching the glacier slip away past the windows as the ship returns to the Pacific through the rather large ammount of small isles on it's way to the Straits Of Magellan and Punta Arenas.
At 10:30 it's off to tour the ship's kitchens, did you know that they're going to go through 18300 eggs in twenty days?
That's a lot of Eggs Benedict.  We saw Bugs Bunny!

Sue is off to another lecture and then a Champagne Art Auction in which the idea seems to be to get in, grab your glass of champagne and then get out before they find out you're not resident in the USA, (since they'll only send the painting there).

It's now 21:00 and we're cruising down the Straits Of Magellan - it's grey and drizzly outside.  Tomorrow, if the elevator is to be believed, it will be Thursday and we'll wake up to find ourselves parked off of Punta Arenas......nearly at the pointy bit!

PART 3.

Our story continues with our intrepid explorers investigating the delights of Punta Arenas.  Of course when we got off the ship it was raining, so we stood around in the rain with our fellow passengers waiting for taxis to take us into the town, (the Captain had rather inconveniently parked the ship approx. 3km away at the industrial dock).

We went to the museum, hit the high points, (well, the viewpoint overlooking the town), wandered around the main square and then visited the Naval Museum.

Back to the ship for some restorative food and coffee.

Tomorrow it's off to Ushuaia.

We awaken early to find it's Friday in the elevators, (well most of them, one seemed to be stuck in a temporal rift and it was still Thursday in that one), and head to The Crows Nest to view the glaciers down Glacier Alley, (really just a section of the Beagle Channel).  Well, I headed for the deck above The Crows Nest, someone else got distracted by breakfast on the way to supposedly get a cup of tea.

At 10:00 we're off to the Queen's Lounge to listen to a talk by the ice pilot - very interesting.  15 or so minutes into it an announcement by the Captain explains that due to the longshoremen going on strike in Ushuaia we're no longer going to be stopping there because if we get off the ship we might not be able get back on.  Consequently, we've all become Expeditioners a few hours early, (the difference between a passenger and an expeditioner: expeditioners don't know what course they're taking or if they're going to get there).

Stopped at Puerto Williams, (Chile), to get permission to sail around Cape Horn since they apparently own it.  Also picked up a Chilean Pilot since noone's allowed to sail within 3 miles of it without one.

Off we go to the pointy bit, we arrive about 18:00 where the Captain circumnavigated Horn Island, (Cape Horn).  Extremely windy, (gusts of 60 knots), and a trifle on the chilly side.

Saturday is a full steam ahead day to the Antarctic Peninsula, so little to do except eat and sleep.

Sunday and it's up to view the icy wastelands.  The ship rocks violently as passengers, (sorry, expeditioners), dash from one side of the ship to the other in response to the tour guides calling out various critter sightings on one side or the other.  Critters spotted: Gentoo penguins, Minke and Humpback whales and leopard seals.

We get to see an Argentine and Chilean base as we venture into Paradise Bay.  Also a base restored to its original 1940's condition and used by the British in the summer, (all three of them came out and waved as our floating restaurant sailed past).

It was snowing earlier for a while but later it began snowing in earnest and even the following day there are drifts of snow in the gutters around the ship.

Tonight, it's nothing but the Superbowl in the theatre so after dinner it's back to the room to watch the TV.  Whilst relaxing the choccy man turns up, (he who secretly leaves two chocolates and a towel animal on the beds every night), tonight we get a Koala.  Previous nights have been a butterfly and a selection of others that are rather hard to identify.
Up in The Crows Nest there is a display of towel penguins with numbers on, made by the housekeeping staff, where the passengers get to vote on which is the best.

Meanwhile the ship steams back to open seas at full speed so it can get the engines hot enough to make fresh water, (I suspect this is to build up a reserve for the arrival of the Palmerites the following day).

Elevator time: Monday.  We awaken to the sound of various clankings as the ship is brought to a halt to take a load of people from Palmer Ice Station onboard.  The various scientists and personnel give a talk or two about what they do and life at the station while the ship sails onward, returning them on the way back. Apparently it has proven difficult in the past to get rid of them, they get given a stateroom for 6 hours or so and make generous use of the facilities, (hence the copious amounts of fresh water required), they get stuck into the food and casino and don't want to go back.  However, it seems they can be lured back into their zodiac with crates of fresh produce and other luxuries.  Once they're there, it's just a matter of getting up to full speed before they realise they've been tricked.

It's bright and sunny but the wind chill is probably down around -20C, (ie. it's freezing out on deck - definite brass monkey weather).

Critters spotted: Humpback whales, crabeater seals, leopard seals, skuas, petrels, lots of porpoising penguins and penguins going up/down hills to feed junior penguins.

The gods of Ice and Snow have seen fit to grant us passage through the Lemaire Strait, (it's only 1/2 a mile wide and is frequently blocked by ice, our cruise is only the second to have done it this season), and by doing so the captain has exceeded his personal best southern limit - we get to S65deg 12.5'.

We spot two expedition ships, (both smaller), that actually land their expeditioners in Antarctica.  The Antarctic Dream, (79), and the Ushuaia, (90).

The ship then u-turns and heads back the way we came in order to deposit the Palmerites back at their station, then continues on up the Neumeyer Channel, (done the previous day although it was snowing then), to get to the Antarctic Sound at around 05:30 the next morning.

Iceberg Alley here we come!

Elevator Time: Tuesday.  We're in Antarctic Sound, (Iceberg Alley), steaming past Hope Bay, where the Argentine Station Esperanza is located, on our way to the Weddell Sea and Paulet Island.  As we get near it there are icebergs everywhere but by having trained flocks of penguins out front to clear the way we make it through.
Paulet Island is a volcanic island and we are only the second cruise ship, (HAL), in four years to make it there because the sound is usually blocked by icebergs and sea ice.
We circumnavigate Paulet Island taking in the rich aroma of penguin poo.  There's a small rock hut on the isle where 22 sailors survived until rescue.

We then renegotiate Antarctic Sound to return to Hope Bay for a close up view of Esperanza and the glacier at the head of the bay.  As we sail past Esparanza a few people and lots of penguins are out waving to us.

We then set sail for Elephant Island, arriving there around 20:45 just in time to catch a snow/rain flurry which curtails visibility somewhat.  The ship cruises up the 'trunk' reaching Cape Valentine, where Shackleton landed with his three rowboats after the loss of his ship in sea ice, at around 21:40.  Then it's full steam ahead to the Falklands, ETA Thursday 08:00, (dependent upon longshoremen activity).

Ship is running low on supplies after missing port call at Ushuaia and I fear a mutiny will be forthcoming if enough hot chocolate cannot be found amongst the ships cavernous stores.

We had a talk to the Sous Chef just before the 23:00 late night snack time.

Apparently there is a secret 'B' deck below the tender deck, not marked in the elevator, where the ships stores are located.  Almost a third of the ships length in this deck is given over to nothing but food!
Surely there must be some hot chocolate hidden away in there somewhere?

And is it really wise to have the crew staterooms on the same level as the stores?
They could run amok during the night and we might find ourselves running short of other necessities such as Chocolate Chip icecream, danishes, smoked salmon, etc.

Critters seen: Humpback whales, Adele and Gentoo Penguins, Snowy Petrels, Crabeater and Weddell seals, and various other birds.

Being computer minded I have been struck by an interesting thought:  Gentoo Penguin, is this really a compaction of 'Penguin: Generation 2'?

Or is it just a result of eating too much food and having strange dreams?

Wednesday, there is no sight of land and we are forced to spend the day eating and digesting food.  At this rate we will no longer have any clothes to wear as they will all be too small.

In news just to hand, the three winners of the towel penguin competition have been announced, one each from decks 7, 2 and 1.  They get prizes of shore excursions to see penguins, (I wonder if that can be written off tax-wise as training?  Surely it helps to actually see the animal you are trying to model?).

PART 4.

Thursday, we arrive at Port Stanley, Falkland Islands, a little slice of England in the Southern Ocean....except there's less people, only a few trees and no Tesco....

While Sue went off to check the local Magellanic penguin colony I wandered five blocks downtown and then back, (thereby covering half the town).
Another HAL ship arrives, the Prinsendam, (ex-Seabourne Sun, ex-Royal Viking Sun - I thought it was bad luck to change a ship's name?  Note to self: Avoid sailing on the Prinsendam).  A lot more people started arriving in tenders to go on their respective shore tours, (for which the whole island's supply of taxis and buses has turned out - about 25).

When Sue arrives back we start walking along the beach on the way to the museum, (2.5km), passing the mizzen mast of the S.S. Great Britain and a shipwreck in the bay.  Sue went into the museum to have a look around, (rather expensive at US$6, well above the exchange rate).
A visit to Cartmell Cottage, (1849), was also included but meant hiking back to the hillslope above town.  I was taken pity on and let in for free.

From there it was a slow meander back down to the docks to join the rather long queue to board the tenders going back to the Amsterdam.

Another ship is in harbour, the Spirit of Adventure, (Saga Lines), that has apparently met with a rogue wave on it's way from Sth Georgia sustaining damage such as breached portholes.

As the Amsterdam leaves the bay it has an exchange of horn blowing with the Prinsendam, which will be on it's way to Sth Georgia and then Antarctica.

Friday is spent at sea, so the usual routine of face-stuffing takes over.  There's another lecture by the Ice Pilot to explain why we took the route we did in Antarctica.  Apparently we only got up to Plan 'E' due to being extremely lucky with the weather and ice, not quite getting to the record of Plan 'M'.

Saturday in the elevators, (and not surprisingly outside them as well), and it's another day at sea steaming towards Buenos Aires.

Up for breakfast and then off to another lecture by the Ice Pilot about Ice Breaking, (well, he was an Ice Breaker Captain).

Lunchtime and someone has had the audacity to interrupt an otherwise uninterrupted 360deg sea view by putting a ship in it.
Such is our great speed, however, that it's soon eating dust behind us, (or should that be sucking salt?), and once more a pristine view devoid of anything is in sight.

The rest of the day is devoted to food induced stupor, Sue has gone to view a Tango demonstration in the The Crows Nest while I sit in a quiet corner of The Crows Nest tapping away on the netbook.  I wish I had bought a few more, I could of sold them at a profit to some of the crew and passengers.

At 15:30 there's a forum Q&A in the Queen's Lounge with the Ship's Captain, First Officer, Hotel Manager, Chief Engineer and Environmental Officer.  Lot's of fun questions and answers.

Due to Argentina not installing filters in the River Plate, the water starts changing from blue/green to brown.  Considering the amount of dirt being washed down river it's amazing that Argentina and Uruguay haven't both dissolved and been swept out to sea.

Sue managed to cadge her fourth free glass of champagne compliments of another art auction, that's approx. 1 per 3 days.  At that rate I don't think their stocks will be in danger of exhaustion, (unlike the hot chocolate).

Up early on Sunday, (well, somewhere around 08:30), and off to tackle the hurly-burly of the Lido Restaurant at breakfast time - this morning, the usual: two Italian Style Eggs Benedict, (just one of several types available), and fruit juice.
When it's not breakfast time there's really only a few things available to drink that don't cost anything: water, Iced tea, Coffee, (the most bitter stuff I've ever tasted, you could probably strip paint with it), and several varieties of tea, (herbal, earl grey, etc).  Anything else costs money, (eg. US$1.95 for a can of Coca-cola).
Breakfast is the only time you get something different: various fruit juices and milk (both plain and chocolate).  So it pays to drink all the fruit juice you can, (until it runs from bodily orifices), to last until next breakfast.

Then it's off to be logged off ship and catch a free shuttle to H.Stern at Plaza San Martin, (they're hoping you'll spend big in their store - little do they know).

Map of B.A. in hand we set off down Calle Florida, a very long pedestrian walk given over to what seems to be nothing but leather goods, (not exactly true, every second shop is clothing but 'Calle de Moo' would probably be a more accurate street name).
We reach the end and there is the Pink Palace before us, (well, so fixated upon a statue with someone on a horse were we that we overshot the Avenida De Mayo and so had to backtrack a block - never did find out who the person on the horse was).

We marvelled at the Pink Palace along with 200-300 other people who had arrived in their luxury air-conditioned tour buses, then after the obligatory photo taking decided the Subte, (subway), would be the way to go, and considerably cooler since the temperature was going to be 31C.

For a cost of AR$1.10 you can ride the subway for as long as you like in the course of one 'voyage'.  This sounded like an emminently sensible cheap form of air-conditioning to me and I could have happily sat in the same train with the window open for a few hours before returning to the ship.....but it was not to be.

A destination was chosen and off we went to Estacion Constitucion and then by taxi to La Boca, (Spanish for 'Tourist Trap').
And a very colourful place it was, (truely - have you never wondered where all those partially empty paint tins go to die?  Well, I now know the answer!).
The street market was in full swing with more mate cups for sale than I've seen in one country yet, (mate cup, drinking straw and a packet of Yerbe Mate for AR$10).  There were tango dancers in the streets that you could have your photo taken with, countless t-shirts, leather goods, jewellery, etc, etc.

Having previously collected various stone idols, (Gobi desert frog, Lake Baikal bear, etc), made with local stone, it was decided that negotiations be made to acquire a suitable artifact made using Inca Rose, (Rhodochrisolite).

At cafes people were eating while being entertained by either gaucho or tango dancers, drummers paraded up and down the streets - a very festive atmosphere.

Back to Estacion Constitucion by taxi to once again ride the subway to the Obelisk, (celebrating the republic), at Plaza del Mayo, take pictures then back on the subway to get to Cafe Tortoni.  A 150 year old cafe with clients like Hillary Clinton, Gabriella Sabatini, etc, etc.  Above the cafe is the Acadamie de Tango where some of our fellow passengers have disappeared to watch tango shows, (at a rather exhorbitant cost).

The subway train that runs on the line that covers the cafe uses wooden carriages and, while novel, I don't think they compare to the old Melbourne 'Red Rattlers', since they at least had upholstered bench seats.
Back onto the subway to head back to the H.Stern shop at Plaza San Martin so we could grab a free shuttle back to the ship, (luckily they didn't x-ray our bags before getting in the van otherwise discovery of an Inca Rose object bought at another shop would have resulted in having to get a taxi I'm sure).

We further reduce our available resources of AR$ at a dockside shop by buying a mate cup that we may be able to sneak past the rather intense folks known as Australian Customs, (having had one item confiscated by Chilean Customs the score is currently: Customs 1, Tourists 0.  We mean to even it!).

Back on ship I succumb to a cold/flu thing, probably picked up by the constant temperature changes around Antarctica, and collapse knowing that I will be required to rise from my deathbed the next day to tackle Montevideo.

Monday in the elevators means it's Uruguay outside.  Up to breakfast, a Breakfast Burrito (sausages and scrambled egg in a fried tortilla), hash brown, fruit juice, more fruit juice.

Off the ship and into a free shuttle that delivers us to the Plaza Independencia, (or more precisely, a leather shop in a corner of the Plaza), much to the chagrin of the other free shuttle that took you to a leather shop three blocks from the Plaza, (in a rather salubrious neighbourhood we were later informed).

After perusing the leather shop, (where one of us was struck by a need for a leather backpack), we were released upon the unsuspecting Uruguayans.  We head off towards Plaza Constitucion along a pedestrian walk filled with cafes, stalls, antique and other shops all trying to sell you something...which one did...in fact two somethings.

Plaza Constitucion turned out to be nicely treed with antique stalls in the middle and the ubiquitous McDonalds.
From there it's a wander around the local streets to look at the old palacios on the way back to Plaza Independencia and a shuttle back to the ship.

That night Uruguayan steak is on the menu and the Indonesian steward is trying to explain that it's better than Argentine steak because the cows have bigger breasts, (that caused a bit of hilarity).  Later, he explained it's because the cows do more exercising in Uruguay, whereas in Argentina they just eat and sleep, resulting in a juicer steak.  Anyway, it tasted good!

That night it's Adios Spanish Speaking South America as we depart on our way to Brazil.

Tuesday is spent at sea, up for breakfast and this time it's to try a Banana Fosters French Toast.  Then it's off to attend various lectures, Sue to brush up on her Portuguese and I to sit down.
At 10:00 a spanner is thrown into the viewing schedule by a t-shirt sale on the Lido deck.  T-shirts not seen since before leaving Cape Horn far behind are once again wheeled out and a veritable feeding frenzy amongst the passengers ensues.

11:00 and there's a lecture by the Environment Officer about what happens to all the food not eaten, all the poop, all the grey water and other refuse.  Considering all the food eaten I'm surprised more poop isn't generated.

We attend a lightning Art Auction, (no champagne this time), of all the previously unsold artworks, (which seem to be nothing more than limited edition prints).  The auctioneer is extremely annoying with, "Let's all hear it for <insert artist here>... Yaaayyy!", after every item, sold or not.  Time to get out and go to a lecture on Pirates by Chris Fisher, (Tour Director ).  An hour of non-stop talking to a PowerPoint presentation, (I didn't know anyone could breath in so little yet output so much - although we were told by someone who went on the steam train excursion in Montevideo that the guide talked for 5.5 hours non-stop, so I guess we were lucky).

Wednesday, still at sea - eat, drink horrible coffee, go to bed.

If it's Thursday it must be Rio de Janeiro.  Up at the ridiculous time of 05:30 to watch the ship arrive in port.  Watched a very colourful sunrise complete with what looks like pterydactyls circling overhead, (honest, all they needed would be little claws on the wings).  Then it's off to have breakfast, today I restrained myself to a onion, ham, cheese omelette, (with two link sausages, bacon, a yoghurt, a couple of fruit juices and a roast beef, chicken and cheese roll.

Off the ship to pick up the free H.Stern shuttle to the corporate headquarters in Ipanema where we had a free tour of the jewellery creation process and the obligatory retail opportunity, (there was some serious vacillation over an very nice looking ring at only US$825).
But using a combination of stealth tactics and mis-direction we manage to escape with wallets intact.

A short two block walk took us to Ipanema beach where it became obvious that Brazil was one of the countries that pushed to have Beach Volleyball included in the Olympics, (I'm sure that Beach Soccer will be next on the agenda).  From there a longer walk, (seven blocks), took us to a spit of land that divided Copacabana from Ipanema.
There was a good view out to the islands off the coast and up to TBG, (The Big Guy), on the hill behind the beaches and Sugarloaf.  Trudging back seven blocks, (plus two to go back inland), we arrive back at the H.Stern HQ and grab a free shuttle ride to the Corcovado Cog-train terminus to go see TBG up close.  By this time, of course, the weather had closed in and it was almost impossible to see him.
At the entry to the terminus we are accosted by a taxi/mini-van driver who offers a deal we cannot refuse, (well, we could of but after trudging 18 blocks it wasn't likely).
We get entry to the park at the top to see TBG, plus a stop on the way up at a helipad/viewpoint, (which was fortuitous since TBG had been blinded by fog), and return to the ship.  We had a whole mini-van to ourselves and so sat up front with the driver, (who was from Togo - think Ivory Coast).
The helipad/viewpoint was good, you could see all of the Atlantic side, (Copacabana/Ipanema/etc), from the helipad and from the viewpoint the city of Rio de Janeiro and all of the harbour to the north.
We then continued upwards towards the top where the wind, fog, mist and rain awaited us.  Apparently you used to have to climb 100 steps to reach the top but after hearing that we were coming they kindly provided an elevator and escalator - very civilised.
At infrequent intervals for moments that could only be measured with an atomic clock, (so short were they), the fog briefly thinned to allow ghostly images of TBG to be taken - and having taken them it was time to scarper since it had started raining also.
Back to the mini-van and waiting driver and during the drive back to the haven of the ship many delightful topics were discussed from Government mis-management and Portugeuse plundering in Brazil, South African dictators to the new intelligent President of the USA.

Straight into the shower to wash away the grime of the day before heading to the Lido to grab some desserts before the main evening meal.  Tonight, it's Duck a'la Orange and a sampling of the various other dishes, followed by more desserts, (well, we do need to build up a layer of fat for a Turkish winter).

Then it was back to the stateroom to pack the suitcases, (so good was the job that they were within 500 grams of each other), while Sue went off to enjoy the performance of a Liverpuddlian comedian.

Back up to the Lido at around 22:45 to have a chat with our favourite steward, Fidel (not related to Castro apparently), and wait for the raising of the counter curtains to see what theme the late night snack was going to be.
Asian as it turned out, so even more food was consumed, including Banoffee pie, (or Banana Cream pie if you're from North America) - the first attempt at this dessert about a week before had failed to pass the 5 o'clock taste test.  The sugar was apparently burnt - did the responsible cook also get off at Rio, never to return?
Also, a Mandarin Custard Tart - they have a better range of desserts available after 23:00 than during the normal meal times, (I think that any successfully cooked desserts are ravaged by the kitchen staff and only the remnants appear for the late night snack).

And so it was with full stomachs that we returned to our stateroom for our final night aboard the floating restaurant, MS Amsterdam.

Friday the 13th, a day full of foreboding as we are rudely kicked off the ship after stuffing our faces one last time at breakfast, (pancake, sausage patties, fruit juice, roast beef/chicken/cheese roll).

We board the transfer bus to go to Rio de Janeiro airport to catch our flight to Sao Paolo, on the way we get a running commentary as we pass the favalas inhabited by the working class, the island created by joining several small ones with dumped garbage and other interesting facts.

PART 5.

We last left our foot-weary travellers at Rio de Janeiro airport having just stepped off of a guided transfer bus, (which was a first).

Into the airport to check in with TAM and then off to Sao Paolo - TAM score 10/10 for landings - the smoothest so far with no detectable thump on hitting the tarmac, (unlike LAN who seem to be a materials destruction tester for AirBus landing gear).

Then it's a six hour wait at Sao Paolo before the Swiss Air flight to Istanbul via Zurich, the time spent idling away updating diaries, eating chicken/cheese pastry things, staring in shops, eating McDonalds chicken wraps and generally nothing.

The Swiss Air flight is delayed 30 minutes but the crew make up the time by winding the rubber band extra tight.  We land at Zurich which is covered with snow, (a first for us), and proceed through the airport to catch the flight to Istanbul which also leaves late, (30 minutes).  The plane gets de-iced, (sprayed with glycol), before take-off and it's now Saturday.

Arrive at Istanbul at around 5 o'clock and it's already dark so we grab a taxi and set off to the Hotel Eris, deep in the heart of Istanbul.

The tour meeting is already underway in the lobby so we plonk ourselves down and join in before retiring to our room for the night.
'And what a room it is', (to paraphrase Lloyd Grossman), - The door to the bathroom opens slightly less than halfway due to impacting the shower base and there's no need to use any room lights because the 600W street light located 300mm from the window allows you to read the fineprint on any lawyer-speak contract, (and that's even with the curtains closed).

Oh, did I mention then we get up at 05:30 to eat breakfast, (which is significantly more calorie deficient than our fare of the previous three weeks), so that we can catch the bus to Eceabat, (Gallipoli Peninsula).

Our hearty little band of seven plus fearless Gruppe Kapitan, (in charge of logistical support), board the bus and off we go on a six hour journey.
At Eceabat there is an included tour of the northern Gallipoli area, (ANZAC related), which is very interesting.
A few tidbits, (according to our guide who may have been slightly biased): Gallipoli is apparently the only naval invasion that has failed in history; the trenches were only 8 meters apart at times.
The ANZAC troops were originally told they'd be in Constantinople within two to three weeks. 
A bit of irony: A rock with a note attached asking "How far away is Constantinople?", was thrown into the Turkish trenches and the reply was, "At your current progress, 3 years and 9 months."  The war ended 3 years 8 months later and French/English battleships sailed into Constantinople.

I should also mention that it rivalled Antarctica in terms of climate - there was snow and it was FREEZING!

Back to catch the ferry across to Canakkale and that night's accommodation, the Anzac Hotel, (who happened to be playing the Mel Gibson version of Gallipoli that night).  Out to have a look at the castle but decide not to walk down a rather dark road, so it's back to the hotel picking up 1kg of Turkish Delight at a corner shop and eating Chicken Korma and rice for dinner at a restaurant next door, back to watch the movie then off to bed.

The next day it's back into the tour van and off to the Plains of Troy to view the ruins...and a Trojan Horse with a hut on top - back in Canakkale there was a PVC Trojan Horse, made for the Brad Pitt movie Troy, but much more realistic as it immitated being made of ship timbers.

There were actually nine versions of Troy with each successive version being built upon the previous.  The advent of triangular sails put Troy out of business, (ships no longer had to wait in the harbour for a favourable wind), and so it became abandoned.

After, our band of eight are deposited on the roadside to await the arrival of our next bus, we're now on our way to Selcuk and Ephesus.

A short walk from the bus station takes us to our domicile for the night - Jimmy's Place.  After unloading the luggage it's down to eat the provided barbeque dinner, (chicken, salads, rice, etc), then out to look for water - end up buying 2 litres of fruit juice with included glass, (and the seller threw in another glass for free).
Continue wandering and come across the remains of a Roman acqueduct in the centre of town.  As we're following it back towards the hotel a man comes out of a pizza restaurant to entice us in for dinner.  After telling him we've already eaten, we say we'll have a couple of apple teas - ended up talking to him for half an hour and drinking four apple teas for which the owner wouldn't accept any money, so we said we'd return for dinner the next day.

Up the next day and a taxi out to Ephesus Roman ruins, (us old folk weren't up to walking the 6km round trip, unlike our younger travelling companions), we got dropped at the top entrance so that everything was downhill from there.  We spent 3-4 hours wandering amongst the ruins and viewing the very well preserved mosaics and plaster in the "House on the Hill".
We exit the bottom of the site, escaping the onslaught of knick-knack sellers only by hiding in a textile sellers' shop for which the fee was to buy a couple of cushion covers.  Then a mad dash for a waiting taxi while the other sellers were pre-occupied.  On the return trip the taxi stops at the Temple Of Artemis so we can take a picture of the only remaining upright column.

Back in Selcuk, out to take a picture of the acqueduct in daylight then go to the museum to see all the pieces of Ephesus that weren't at Ephesus including a rather ornate ivory carving.

We head to the pizza restaurant to have our meal of Turkish meatballs, minced meat/cheese pide (Turkish pizza) and more apple teas, (for which he still wouldn't take any money).

The next day, (possibly Thursday - it's hard to keep track without elevators), and it's on the bus to Pamukkale to see Hierapolis and the calcified falls.

It's the Artemis Yurok Hotel this time and the owner provided a free shuttle up to the top of the ruins/falls site, (which saves walking uphill 600m and which even our younger, more energetic companions thought was a good deal).
Walking through the ruins you get to the edge of the hill from where you can look down upon the many pools formed by the calcium in the water.  The water temperature is said to be 35-38c but it felt more like 20C.

We return to checking out the ruins on our way to the north exit, where a cafe kindly call us a taxi to get back to the hotel.  That night it's a bowl of tomato soup, (which was rather bland), chicken kebab and rice.

The next day we head to Dalyon, leaving behind the lowlands the bus heads up the mountain roads and into the snow covered landscape.  The snow starts falling and soon the inevitable happens - the bus falters in it's forward motion and we find ourselves tractionless upon a high mountain road which hasn't seen a grader for a while.
Words such as donner party, soccer team and Andes are bandied about, the driver and a couple of passengers jump out to fit snowchains while our group stand around taking photos, (hey, we're tourists!).

When we arrive, (late afternoon), normal holiday weather has resumed, ie. rain.
From the terrace we can see tombs carved into the rockface across the river, (there's also ruins that we can't see but both are not accessible).
I sit on the terrace, (which is freezing), using the internet while Sue wanders into town to hunt for food, returning triumphant with a couple of roast chickens and rolls, (as did most of the group).
Off to bed because it's too cold to stay on the terrace and it's up early to go to Olympus.

Arriving at Olympus around 17:00 and there's enough time to walk down through the ruins of the town to the beach before returning at 18:00 for a provided dinner.

Much of the ruins are still hidden within the bush on either side of the river and you can wander off on a track and come across church ruins, temple porticoes, etc.
Dinner that night is chicken, rice, salad, bread and as much apple tea/coffee as you can drink.

The accommodation is a series of bungalows spread amongst the trees of an orange grove, indeed the whole valley seems to be filled with nothing but bungalows.
Since we don't need to leave until evening the following day we spend it relaxing while the rest of the group hike 8km to see the flames of Chimera.

We leave at 17:30 to go to Antalya to catch the overnight bus to Goreme, Cappodocia.  We seem to have lucked out with the oldest bus in Turkey having the most uncomfortable seats ever devised - obviously a hangover from more torture liberal times.

At 07:30 the next morning we find ourselves deposited at the bus station in Avanos which is 10km from where we're supposed to be - our guide is rather annoyed and rings our hotel, who send a couple of cars to squeeze us all into.

It's the Sarihan Cave Hotel with rooms set into the tufa mounds, (inverted icecream cones of rock), they are a bit damp and musty and it takes quite a few hours before the heating can remove the chill, (the smell remains however).

Around lunch time we all set off on a walking tour to a couple of viewpoints over the town, shortly being intercepted by a lady who invited us all back to her tufa house for a cup of apple tea, (a cleverly disguised retail opportunity).  We finally escape, having only purchased one hat and cushion cover between us, to continue our interrupted walkabout.

That night it's down to the local restaurant, (which then became the only restaurant we used), for our evening meal, then back to catch up on all the hours of sleep missed on the bus ride.

The next day we're all off on a full day tour that firstly visits the underground city of Derinkuyu.  We descend into the bowels of the earth down narrow, low-ceilinged staircases to a depth of 45m, passing through the kitchens, living room, meeting hall, church, stables, school, etc.

After emerging once more into the sunshine we continue to Ihlara Canyon, (the sides of which are dotted with cave houses), for a walk of approx. 2km to the restaurant where we stop for lunch, (lentil soup, salad and a choice of trout/chicken/beef/meatballs with Turkish cous cous).

Back in the tour van and off to a cave monastery, (abandoned), for an exploration followed by the return journey to Goreme...which just happens to include a retail opportunity.  This time it's the Goreme Onyx Factory.

Back at our troglodite abode at about 18:00 and then off to the restaurant as it's the last night the whole group will be together, another couple and ourselves are returning to Istanbul the next day while the rest continue on into Syria, Jordan and Egypt.

The next day after the others leave at 11:00 to catch their bus onward, we get driven by one of the hotel staff to a carpet shop to look at/buy carpets, (the other couple we're now with are looking to return to New Zealand with one).  We leave the shop with our wallets intact but then it's off to a carpet factory in Uchisar where we get to see carpets being woven and how to turn the coccoons of silkworms into thread.
The carpets here turn out to be extremely expensive, no doubt to finance all the salesmen in suits, (who outnumber the women weaving by at least 6:1).  Again, we all manage to leave none the poorer.

Our driver returns us to Goreme where we troop off for our last meal at our regular restaurant, then it's back to sit around at the hotel until it's time to catch the bus at 20:00.

At around 19:40 we get driven down to the bus station and the bus arrives at 20:10, this time they managed to get a more modern bus for the run.  However, little did we know that it was actually a mobile pressure cooker.  The heating runs along the floor under the windows and the driver had it cranked up to "BAKE", (somewhere in the region of 70-80C), and being lucky enough to have the window seat I was in the process of having my lower right side cooked and upper right side frozen from the window.  Since the driver was the only one who had a window that opened he also didn't care that the passengers were being slowly asphyxiated because he didn't turn on the air-conditioning until at least half the passengers had begun to turn black and crispy.  So it was with a great sense of relief that 11 hours later we tumbled out into the 2deg environ of the Istanbul bus station where our transfer back to the illustrious Hotel Eris awaited.

The hotel let us have our rooms early so it was total collapse until 11:00 when we decided to brave the almost arctic conditions in our quest to view all of Istanbul's attractions within a single day.

Luckily, by cunning design, all the necessary attractions had been placed within stone throwing distance of the hotel.  So it was off to the Topkapi Palace for a look at how the Ottoman empire spent their days playing marbles with some really impressively sized gems.

Then a visit to the Cistern, the underground water storage that was home to fish the size of small dogs and who no doubt provided the main course for the cafe that was located in the Cistern.

The attractions continued to flow with a visit to the Blue Mosque, so named due to the blue tiles which adorn it's interior walls, (although they are vastly outnumbered by white tiles - I guess the name White Mosque was already trademarked).

Continuing on from there, we trudge to the Grand Bazaar, the World's Biggest Trash & Treasure Market, undercover - Bonus!  Very well organised into sections: Carpets, Clothing, Antiques, Jewellery, etc, etc.  Cafes are interspersed and after wandering around for a while we decided to brave a plate of lamb kebab, rice and chips, however disaster struck...the chips were cold!  They were returned for exchange with some piping hot fries, meanwhile a man had arrived from somewhere deep within the bowels of the bazaar with our coffee and apple tea upon a silver platter.  Having fortified ourselves we continued our exploration of the bazaar finally emerging from one of the many entrances/exits that was located in the direction we then wished to proceed.

And proceed we did, the bazaar actually continued onto the streets outside and onwards unto our next destination - the Spice Bazaar!  Upon entering your nose is assaulted by a wondrous array of smells from the nearby shops that have mounds of spices piled high on tables.  Sue decided to be adventurous and bought something that looked like a jellied octopus tentacle - we couldn't break off pieces to eat because it was so rubbery.  It turned out to be walnuts set in what seemed to be a caramel/gelatine mix, it just looked like something you'd see creeping around the corner of a B-grade 1950's SciFi ready to whip around the neck of and strangle unsuspecting movie extras.  We also had two more Donar Kebabs, this time in rolls with salad for only TYL$2.50, a quarter the price of the previous plate.

We exit the bazaar on a road that will take us back to the hotel, on the way booking a transfer to the airport for only TYL$8.00 each - considerably cheaper than the TYL$35.00 it had cost to get from the airport to the hotel.

Up the next morning to go to breakfast which consists of the usual Turkish fare of cucumber, tomato, bread, honey, jam, tea, coffee, sliced luncheon meat, cheese and some other unidentifiable sliced meat product.  It's still raining and miserable outside the windows as we drag our luggage downstairs to await the transfer van and spend an hour talking with our NZ travelling companions.

Because we're flying Swiss Air, (now a wholly owned subsidiary of Lufthansa), we have to backtrack 3 hours by flying to Zurich, (this time with no snow), before we can catch our onward flight to Hong Kong.  The woman at the check-in counter happily assigns us exit row seats for the section from Zurich to HK but unfortunately it was not to be, due to the numbering of the rows we end up jammed in one row behind the exit row along with another australian couple, (who also requested the exit row).  Luckily the stewardess moves us to a row of three at the very back of the plane, (thus we'll be able to film the entire event in the case of the plane hitting the ground nose first), but more disappointment awaits - there's no audio!  Aaaarrrggghhhhh!!!!!!!!  I now have to watch three films in silent mode....how archaic.

After landing at HK we catch the old faithful A21 bus that takes us within stone throwing distance of the Star Guest House, our preferred 5 star accommodation while in HK, (it's amazing how you can cram into a 9 square metre box!

Because we've arrived at approx 20:00, rather than immediately falling into a coma on the bed we decide to go to the night market on Temple Street to watch the denizens of the food shops trying to escape their gastronomic fate.  Indeed we even sit down and eat with the locals, although not partaking of any of the crawling, creeping, wriggling critters upon the menu, opting instead for the relatively safe haven of stir-fry beef/pork with noodles.

Then it's back into the fray of the market to marvel at all the gadgets, jade (or jadeite), clothes, pirated DVD/CDs, etc, etc.  Unfortunately, I can never seem to escape the market without buying at least one gadget and so I end up with a 1W LED torch and Spider flexible camera tripod for the princely sum of HK$50, (~AU$10).
Back to collapse in our luxuriously appointed box ready to arise early and head off to Macau.

The day dawns anew and we're up and out around 10:00 to catch the ferry at 11:00.  We pass through Immigration, (Macau is a separate country), and are officially in no-man's land as we board the ferry for the one hour ride.
At 12:00 the ferry arrives at Macau and we disembark to find an arrivals hall jam packed with 300-400 people all waiting to go through Immigration in their race to get to the gaming tables of the casinos.  It takes 30 minutes to get through.

Once on the other side you're assaulted by people who want to give you a guided tour of the Macau highlights for a cash renumeration.  And so we took one up on his kind offer.

We had a minivan to ourselves and proceeded off on our tour, first stop the statue of a hybrid Buddha/Virgin Mary where, having told the driver/guide we would like lunch, we also stopped at a chinese restaurant.  Imagine the look of horror on Sue's face when she returned from taking photos of the statue to gaze upon pieces of pig intestine floating in a bowl - her 'Pork & Noodles', (I went for a more sensible 'Chicken Curry with Coconut Milk & Noodles').
A very hasty dialogue between our guide and the waitress ensued and another bowl of what I was having appeared, thus a horrific close encounter with local cuisine was narrowly averted.

After lunch, it was on to more Macau sights:
a) The Monument of (Mis)Understanding, whose falling black marble tiles tried to kill a Japanese tourist.
b) The temple of A-Ma, after which Macau is named - the Portugese who arrived there asked a local fisherman what the name of the site was and he replied, "A-Ma cau", ('cau' means bay), and they thought he said, "Ahh, Macau".
c) Penha Peak, which has the Catholic Church and was home to the Bishop.  It also overlooks the Governor's residence.
d) Larga de Sargo, the main square surrounded by old Portugese buildings.
e) The new Catholic Cathedral, enough said.
f) The Ruins of St Pauls, where only the ornate stone facade is left after a fire destroyed the rest.
g) Monte Fort, whose cannons point towards the city because the bay they used to point at is now reclaimed.
h) The ferry terminal where we catch our ferry back to Hong Kong, waving goodbye to our guide after a 4 hour tour, (twice as long as was originally planned).

Back in Hong Kong it's a brisk walk down to Star House, (near the Star Ferry terminal), where the main attraction is getting something filling, (and reasonably identifiable), to eat at McDonalds.  Then to fill in the time until 20:00 browsing through the many shops in Star House.

At 20:00 we're outside and ready to watch the Sound & Light show that happens every night using lights and lasers mounted on buildings around the harbour.  It runs for 15 minutes and the harbourside is crowded with people watching.

Afterwards, it's a walk along the shops of Nathan Rd on the way back to our accommodation, including a browse through the shops under the 'notorious' Chungking Mansion, (De Luxe Hotel), which seems to be home to all the Indians trying to sell you suits and genuine fake Rolex's.

Back at the guest house, it's an early night as the first A21 bus out to the airport is at 06:00 for our 09:20 Cathay flight.

On the plane, we find ourselves stuck in the centre two seats of the middle row between two bestudded girls who immediately fall into comas but at least the audio works so I can watch the silent movies with sound this time.

Arrive at Melbourne on Sunday around 21:30, and it's into the Duty Free to stock up on grog before proceeding to the waiting Customs people where we manage to even the score: Customs 1, Tourists 1.

Holiday over.