there seem to be a couple of formatting artifacts that I presume are not present on an ebook device.
Where do we purchase!
Interesting that you chose to use a pen name.
Anyone finding it enjoyable?-kyrathaba (June 13, 2013, 05:51 PM)
Sethra tuned out, and subvocalized, “Resume dictation. Dr. Hasser has his head on straight, and the Administrator has his head in the clouds, perhaps saying hello to the aliens, if they’re still up there, and politely and charmingly asking for their help in ‘Project Moving Deeper.’” Sethra grinned and glanced around the circular, twenty meter diameter chamber, trying to take the emotional temperature of the group a a whole. Lots of crossed arms. Even more glazed expressions, though that could be
are you taking proofreading finds?
It's depressing to think that that far into the future some of humanity has doggedly held on to imperial measurements
I'm writing the book in software produced by the man behind wxWidgets, Dr. Julian Smart. The application is called Jutoh (http://www.jutoh.com/).-kyrathaba (June 13, 2013, 06:16 PM)
In the original post, I've uploaded epub and mobi versions of the eBook with the addition of Chapter 5-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:47 AM)
... and correction of errors noted by 40hz and Perry Mowbray.-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:47 AM)
It's depressing to think I've been lurking around here longer than 40hz and despite having a nick one character shorter that people still get us mixed up....-4wd (June 14, 2013, 08:16 AM)
I always think of yours as referring to vehicles (4WD ... even if it's not)-wraith808 (June 14, 2013, 08:25 AM)
Oops, apologies 4wd :)-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 08:26 AM)
With a heavily encrypted brief message, Sethra announced an impromptu meeting in his cubicle, sending the chime to Byron, Zuzana, and Eddie.
"I borrowed these from an Environmental supply cache. Four suits won't be missed, especially since they're disposable after each use."
Byron showed off his pistol, and explained its function, which drew whistles and utterances of genuine admiration from the other three...
...and the foursome bumbled their way forward in darkness, then clumsily boarded the large robotic vehicle.
Sethra was unlatched his toolcase and opened it.
He peered out over the assembled for a few moments,...
A grammatical error:
Quote
Sethra was unlatched his toolcase and opened it.
Should be, (I think):
Sethra had unlatched his toolcase and opened it.
Chapter 5:
Quote
He peered out over the assembled for a few moments,...
Possibly:
He peered out over the assembly for a few moments,....
or:
He peered out over the assembled personnel for a few moments,...
Couple more from me (enjoyed the read! Thmbsup Hurry up with your writing!!!! Kiss):
Prologue:
Page 8 "anti virus" could be "anti-virus" / "antivirus"?
Chapter 1:
Page 9 "existing infractstructure" should be "infrastructure"
Chapter 2:
Page 10 "accompanies group pasttimes" should be "pastimes"
Page 10 "wiggle-room for screwups" should be "screw-ups"
Page 10 "Excute these commands" should be "Execute"
Chapter 3:
Page 11 "responsibility lays on the shoulders of a leader" I would have said "lies"?
Page 11 "ongoing coverup, if there is one" should be "cover-up" or "cover up"
Page 11 "heavy plastic toolcase" I would have thought it should be "tool case"?
Page 11 "Zuzana unzipped the heavy dufflebag" same for "duffle bag"?
Page 11 "The ride to our dropoff point" should be "drop-off" or "drop off"
Chapter 4:
Page 12 "here for millenia after we’re gone" should be "millennia"
About the Author:
Page 14 "last few year’s in DonationCoder’s" should be "years"
Page 14 "local methodist church" should definitely be "Methodist"
Monday, June 11, 2283, 2014 hours
With a heavily encrypted brief message, Sethra announced an impromptu meeting in his cubicle, sending the chime to Byron, Zuzana, Veronee and Eddie. By 2030, they had all gathered in his cubicle. Byron set a small Roomba robot in one corner of the room. It suspiciously resembled the one that had been cleaning in Rec #2 during their card game. He telescoped an antenna on its top surface. He flicked a switch on a remote control fob then pocketed it when he was satisfied with the steady green LED glow coming from an indicator light next to the antenna.
Sethra and Eddie shared their suspicions about Security Chief Michael Covington with the other three, who were equally chagrined with the revelations produced by Sethra’s data mining.
“Son of a gun won’t even submit to regular medical checkups, as required by A-3 protocol,” huffed Eddie. “And he seems a lot fitter and healthier than most of us. Add to that what we’ve learned regarding the almost certain foul-play that was involved in Matteo Brummett’s death, and we have ourselves a gen-yoo-wine ‘bad guy’. I had lunch with Mephord and convinced him to remove Covington from his post for at least a few days. He didn’t like it, but he did it. And I gather the Chief was quite understanding and cooperative. To me, that just makes him more suspect. If he were truly uninvolved in Brummett’s death, why didn’t he react as most people would? Irritable, insulted, resistant?”
“Because,” ventured Zuzana, “he believes he’s covered his tracks thoroughly, and that there’s nothing forensics can discover that would indict him.”
Byron nodded agreement. “Yeah, Zuz is right. This guy, as Chief of Security, is one highly trained asshole, I can tell you. I understand he was Special Forces back before The Attack. Navy Seal, I think. He probably feels the confidence of an adult pitted against children. But overconfidence can be a person’s undoing.”
Sethra said, “We’re going on a little jaunt this evening, compadres. I’ve a mind to personally examine the supposedly failing Shaft cameras and run my own diagnostics on them.” He indicated a heavy plastic tool case with a carrying handle lying on his cot.
Zuzana unzipped the heavy duffel bag she’d brought, and unloaded five radiation suits with hoods. “I borrowed these from an Environmental supply cache. Five suits won’t be missed, especially since they’re disposable. We’ll be going into the Shaft itself, so we know we’re going to be exposed to higher levels of radiation than down here. But with the suits’ protection, and a mega-dose of anti-radiation meds, we’ll be no worse for wear if we limit our exposure to under an hour.” Eddie arched an eyebrow at this evaluation, but didn’t comment.
Byron showed off his pistol, and explained its function, which drew whistles and utterances of genuine admiration from the other four, both for his ingenuity and his daring to create the device. “The gloves of the radiation suit will suffice to adequately protect my hand if I’m forced to use the laser setting which, I will add, can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to twelve inches of steel or nine of ceramal alloy.”
“Or separate a line of Security guards’ torsos from their legs,” added Sethra, grinning. “But no killing unless we have absolutely must.”
While Eddie busied himself giving everyone anti-radiation injections, Byron looked at his wrist chronograph and explained, “At 2100 hours, a large corridor polishing robot will just happen to be ‘cleaning’ this section of corridor. I’ve modified it by removing the motors that drive its cleaning brushes. So, there’ll be room enough for us to squeeze inside via a maintenance hatch. It will then take us to an area of Engineering, Level D, where there is a power conduit tunnel. Although very few people know this, it leads, round-about, to the Shaft.”
“I wondered about that,” said Zuzana. “I thought the security access tunnel was the only way to get into the Shaft.” Byron nodded and grinned, “You’re supposed to think that. Everyone is. I’m not even sure Administrator Mephord knows about this. I do, because I program maintenance robots to take that route to the Shaft for the typical stuff: structural integrity degradation checks, voltage spikes, seismic shifting, that sort of thing.”
Zuzana beamed a smile at Byron. “You’re one handy fella to have around.”
“In a number of capacities,” he quipped.
Monday, June 11, 2283, 2057 hours, Sethra’s cubicle
Sethra entered the necessary command on his lap terminal, sending a fairly mild surge through the circuits on which this corridor’s lighting depended. “The hallway outside my door is dark now. It’ll stay that way for a little over five minutes, while Engineering runs remote diagnostics to see if it was caused by a momentary power surge, or if instead there was a major blow, and the distinct possibility of a fire-hazard. When the diagnostic comes back okay, some lazy bum in Engineering will reset the board remotely, turning the corridor lighting back on, rather than take the time to come investigate personally.”
“Nice,” said Byron. “We’re all just a bunch of lazy bums in Engineering.”
Sethra grinned, then added, “While we have dark, the large floor polishing robot will arrive, and we’ll clamber aboard unseen by corridor cameras which, for some strange reason, aren’t equipped with the typical IR and UV detectors...”
“Compliments of yours truly, six months ago,” added Byron.
A little less than three minutes later, Sethra said, “Door, open. Close and lock when room occupants have exited.” The door swooshed aside, and the five bumbled their way forward in darkness, then clumsily boarded the large robotic vehicle. Once the vehicle’s access hatch closed, the unit accelerated smoothly down the corridor.
“The ride to our drop-off point outside the power conduit tunnel should take about sixteen minutes,” Byron reported. They could vaguely see one another because of some small internal lights inside their unconventional transport. Byron placed his pistol in a Velcro chest pouch on his radiation suit. He would have easy access to it, simply by ripping the pouch open at one corner. Sethra rode squatting, right hand holding onto a heavy aluminum bracket, his case of tools propped between his knees. “Good times,” he said, looking at the others, and grinned. “Good times.”
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:06 PM)
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:06 PM)
Thx! But shouldn't that be 4wd and not me? AFAIK I haven't proofed anything yet. I've just enjoyed the story so far. ;)-40hz (June 14, 2013, 07:44 PM)
@4wd. Thank you very much for going Sherlock Holmes. See if this fixes it:-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 11:47 AM)
Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She finished and exited the area, smiling at Byron, who waved back at her and returned the smile. Their eyes lingered on one another a few moments too long, Sethra decided, and he made a mental note to torment Byron about it later.
Byron spent the night two kilometers away, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. He was enjoying the company of the Environmental tech he’d shared a smile with earlier in Rec #2. It wasn’t the first time the two had felt sparks when in proximity to one another. Zuzana Wesley was her name, a red-headed knockout!
With a heavily encrypted brief message, Sethra announced an impromptu meeting in his cubicle, sending the chime to Byron, Zuzana, Veronee and Eddie.
“May I?” Sethra asked, sliding his hand forward on the table. At a nod from Byron, he picked up the data chip and held it up to the light. “And we just happen to have the tech down here to actually access this data. “Given the research in which I was involved at MIT, if the conclusions we were beginning to reach are realistic, then this chip, run on the hardware here in the compound, could allow our consciousnesses to survive our seemingly imminent bodily deaths.” Handing the crystal back to Byron, he continued, “I never thought I’d see that again.”
No need for a nuclear strike, if these aliens were sophisticated enough to slay a quarter of the population with a long-range electronic virus they bathed the planet in before they were even all the way in-system.
But he follows the protocols, which means he has his chief of security, and certain androids, constantly casting a wide electronic net of surveillance throughout the compound.
Around the card table, four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes. Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She was merely carrying out one of her many duties as an Environmental tech, but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security. She and Byron had been serious now for close to a year, and recently Sethra had taken her fully into his confidence. So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool.
Byron spent the night two kilometers away, with his lover, Zuzana Wesley, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. His neoprene blues and her greens were in a tangled heap at the foot of the bed. “Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”
@4wd:Around the card table, four people were in discussion, and not the garden variety chatter that always accompanies group pastimes. Nearby, a woman finished sampling a swimming pool and adjusting the pool water’s composition minutely with a tray of chemicals she carried. She was merely carrying out one of her many duties as an Environmental tech, but her other purpose in being here at this particular time was to be ready to provide backup, should her boyfriend Byron and the others get caught by the chief of security. She and Byron had been serious now for close to a year, and recently Sethra had taken her fully into his confidence. So while the other four plotted, she kept an eye surreptitiously on the man throwing darts, and the two people in the swimming pool.
and then later...Byron spent the night two kilometers away, with his lover, Zuzana Wesley, in another cavern filled with residential cubicles. His neoprene blues and her greens were in a tangled heap at the foot of the bed. “Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.”-kyrathaba (June 15, 2013, 07:53 AM)
If Zuzana was to be included in the VR journey from the start now, I think you still only mention a total of "four total immersion pods" later in the meeting.
BTW, I'm not turning this from a labour of love into a major PITA am I?
Incidentally, this is probably going to be the longest book I've ever read since I start at page one with every iteration of it
You are inspiring me to finish my work. smiley
^Same here! Thx for serving as a little kick in the butt K-Man! Thmbsup Grin
Original post contains new upload: a zip archive containing EPUB and MOBI versions for the book, up through the end of Chapter 8. :)
Urgh...I'm never going to reach the end of this book...haven't managed to get to chapter 6 yet....
Urgh...I'm never going to reach the end of this book...haven't managed to get to chapter 6 yet....Why not just read the last two chapters each time I upload? Or is it a matter of complete thoroughness, making sure the entire book hangs together from page one?-kyrathaba (June 15, 2013, 09:37 PM)
Think about it: we’ve got bases on Io, Callisto, Mars, and Luna, as well as numerous layers of outwardly focused detectors in orbit of our planets, all the way out to Pluto and even Janus, constantly sending telemetry back to the home planet.
“The bottom line,” said Eddie, is that even if we blow this entirely and get put in confinement for questioning, we’ve not lost much. Each of our bodies is going to die in the coming weeks, regardless, so what do we have to lose by chancing this? And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once we go under into immersion, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know when we die.”
The other android (they were always assigned in pairs) was unable to produce audio or video for the killing, either.
He wondered if Zuzana was experiencing something similar. Even the nausea hadn’t seemed as bad, today.
He set the TCPI to the left of the rack of vials, and added the power cells to the same plastic wrack that held the chemical vials.
When the gun was taken apart fully, he produced eight special made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.
He took the now empty vials and the plastic wrack,...
“Certainly. Beyond the base of the pole, it continues another eighty meters into the bedrock. It’s quite well-anchored. Trust me, this thing will be here for millennia after we’re gone.”
Sethra stepped down from a railing where he’d been diagnosing the cameras. These cameras are in perfect working order, which doesn’t surprise me.”
“The same robots that service these anti-radiation grills also perform diagnostics and maintenance on the cameras. There’s only one conclusion that we can draw, from both my observations of these grills and your testing of the cameras.”
“They need to get finished and get back down here in the next fifteen minutes, so we can get out of here, and hosed down, and out of these itchy suits.”
@k - looks like you're running your very own private NaNoWriMo with this one. Grin
Keep going! Don't break the rhythm since you're apparently in the zone right now. We're all behind you 100%. Thmbsup
Hey, 4wd: if you want, I can hold off on uploading for a couple weeks, maybe get three or four more chapters written, giving you time to get back to and finish the book you were reading. Your call :D-kyrathaba (June 16, 2013, 09:51 AM)
When the gun was taken apart fully, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.
He plugged in a soldering iron and set it carefully aside to begin heating, then took a set of folding hexagonal screwdrivers from his overalls chest pocket, and began disassembling the Taser. With the gun fully apart, he produced eight specially made tungsten components that he would need to properly modify the casing and triggering mechanism.
When have I ever shown anything but grace under pressure and good judgment under fire?
“As a matter of fact, I did not authorize the ‘excursion’ to the Shaft that took place on the evening of Monday, June 11th.
But she’d had all that sort of action she wanted, and I allowed her to go into Environmental.
We think Byron designed a two-setting pistol, powered by miniature power cell.
Judging by the corpse of the alien, the first shot was high velocity particle spray...
...cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.
...so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge.
Administrator Mephord raised his eyebrows, not looking at anyone specifically, lips momentarily pooched.
“Jaimie, hello. How goes Operation Moving Deeper?
“Understood, the administrator replied. Just make sure the robots disperse the rock far and wide once they exit the shaft. ....
It contained data that described it (hair color, number legs, length of its tail, etc.) and various behaviors associated with it (getting hungry, licking its owner, peeing on the carpet).
He was a heavy man in his late fifties, maybe five foot seven and two-hundred and fifty pounds.
...and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped a foot,...
...contemplating plummeting headfirst into the pool of chemicals and waste materials sixty feet directly below her. The tank was large, but only about five feet deep.
If we’re able to continue at this rate, we can be at a depth of one-thousand feet below the entrance to Main Channel Two in another...
The comment I just made regarding sight/site:
Forget it, my interpretation was wrong :-\
It's official, I'm illiterate.-4wd (June 16, 2013, 09:16 PM)
In Chapter 9:
somebody gets lots in the forest becomes: somebody gets lost in the forest-kyrathaba (June 16, 2013, 08:54 PM)
“But don’t get any wild ideas about making any unauthorized jaunts into these tunnels, crevices or pools.
A couple minutes later he let our a whoop of excitement.
Firm scientific evidence of wormholes was discovered in 2112, and our scientists speculate that someday wormholes may not just allow humans to traverse vast galactic distances instantaneously. They may also become doorways to other realities, other universes.
“The programming of this reality is geared toward embeddedness. Requiring even VR game players to exit the game entirely to interact with their typical reality. ...
Chapter 9
Page 18.44 "He’s ? most as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion." missing "remembered"?
Zuzana’s eyes momentarily lost focus as if she were in thought, then she smiled. In a didactic tone, she supplied, “Orcs are a race of mythical humanoid creatures, generally described as brutish, aggressive and repulsive, stemming from the writings of J. R. R. Tolkien, where orcs contrast with the benevolent Elvish race. Tolkienn was a writer, poet, philologist, and professor who lived from 1882 to 1973 in England. He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the Rings, and The Silmarillion.”
She laughed. “This is great!”
The group sat in a tavern within the town that styled itself “The Prancing Unicorn”. Byron, a fan of Tolkienn, had just about doubled-over when he’d seen the painted sign outside the establishment. Now, they sat sipping smooth, cold, refreshing ale. Byron said, “Come on, Sethra, admit it. ‘The Prancing Unicorn’? It has to be an in-joke among your programming team, a nod to The Hobbit’s ‘Prancing Pony’ in Bree."
“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned.
“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now”.
becomes
“Thanks,” said Sethra. “That will be all for now.”-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 04:16 PM)
So where is the app that is going to come out of this regarding the facilitation of exchange and management of change suggestions in written works?
1. How many forum members/visitors are reading this work? I know about 40hz, 4wd, and Perry Mowbray. Anyone else?-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 08:04 PM)
So where is the app that is going to come out of this regarding the facilitation of exchange and management of change suggestions in written works?
Microsoft Word in mark-up mode?
Although I know what you mean, ewemoa. Why don't you code it for NANY 2014?-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 07:20 PM)
One of the first things she would want to do would be to get with the top roboticists in Engineering and get a pair of robot probes prepared to travel downriver underwater, ....
It was a sphere approximately two miles in diameter, a small moon of a metallic composite.
Right now, she carried the seven-foot length of wood like a walking staff, pointy end up.
For the convenience of proof-readers who may not want to have to keep downloading epub or mobi files, I've added a link to the entire book online, in html format.-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 07:51 PM)
Although I know what you mean, ewemoa. Why don't you code it for NANY 2014?
Mephord stood at the podium and looked out over the community...
Our overall population in A-3 has increased by two in ....
“May we continue to increase in numbers, until we again swell to fill this compound. ...
... drilled down ever further at at thirty-degree slope ...
... and she added that task to her implant task list.
I'll stick with metric.-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 10:13 PM)
No. I've changed those to metric: the spaceship isn't 2 miles in diameter, it's 3.2 km. Zuzana's staff isnt 7 foot, its (roughly) 1.75 meters.-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 10:34 PM)
So where is the app that is going to come out of this regarding the facilitation of exchange and management of change suggestions in written works?-ewemoa (June 17, 2013, 06:35 PM)
Who is your favorite male character? Favorite female character?
Favorite scene so far in the book (up through end of Ch. 10)?
Who is your favorite male character? Favorite female character?
Favorite scene so far in the book (up through end of Ch. 10)?-kyrathaba (June 18, 2013, 07:48 PM)
So where is the app that is going to come out of this regarding the facilitation of exchange and management of change suggestions in written works?-ewemoa (June 17, 2013, 06:35 PM)
Um...I think that's called a version/revision control system? ;)-40hz (June 18, 2013, 07:36 PM)
Work on this project began on Thursday, June 6, 2013.
Prologue: 1,932 words
Chapter 1: 3,423 words
Chapter 2: 3,546 words
Chapter 3: 3,486 words
Chapter 4: 3,384 words
Chapter 5: 2,787 words
Chapter 6: 1,281 words
Chapter 7: 1,993 words
Chapter 8: 2,130 words
Chapter 9: 2,222 words
Chapter 10: 2,778 words
Chapter 11: 2,985 words
Total words (not counting front- or back-matter): 31,947 {~40% finished with novel}
....what had been dubbed Cavern Ericson
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned not only Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields. He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
.... Twenty-three of our ninety androids have been given a thumbs-up by the team Dr. Pilsner has on this, to date,”
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can observe over an extended period of time while monitoring it with equipment.
Along the wall the boring machine had penetrated, scaffolding traversed a long section of the newly discovered cavern’s length.
Near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, spaced every ten meters down the length of the cavern, these triplets were being welded and bonded.
Chapter 10:
Quote
Mephord stood at the podium and looked out over the community...
I think the above is redundant, you stated in the previous paragraph where he was standing, so:
Mephord looked out over the community...
Quote
Our overall population in A-3 has increased by two in ....
“Our overall population in A-3 has increased by two in ....
Quote
“May we continue to increase in numbers, until we again swell to fill this compound. ...
The 'swell' seems to be redundant due to the preceding 'increase in numbers', but it does have a slightly more emotional overtone, so possibly:
“May our numbers continue to swell until we again fill this compound. ...
Quote
... drilled down ever further at at thirty-degree slope ...
... drilled down ever further at a thirty-degree slope ...
Quote
... and she added that task to her implant task list.
'task is possibly redundant:
... and she added that to her implant task list.
Stylistic and structural suggestions are welcomed.-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:03 AM)
A few possibles:
Chapter 11:
The two occurrences of multi limbed - should be, (I believe): multi-limbed
Quote
....what had been dubbed Cavern Ericson
Every other occurrence is Ericson Cavern.
Quote
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned not only Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields. He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
The 'not only' seems to indicate the two sentences should be one:
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned not only Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields, he'd also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
Or remove 'not only' to keep them separate:
For this staff meeting, Administrator Mephord had summoned Dr. Mary Pilsner, Dr. Jaimie Ericson, and Security Chief Mark Shields. He had also requested the attendance of medical doctor and biologist Dorian Graham, one of those who’d been involved in the meticulous dissection of the alien slain in the Shaft on June 11th.
Quote
.... Twenty-three of our ninety androids have been given a thumbs-up by the team Dr. Pilsner has on this, to date,”
... To date, twenty-three of our ninety androids have been given a thumbs-up by the team Dr. Pilsner has on this,”
Quote
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can observe over an extended period of time while monitoring it with equipment.
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can monitor over an extended period of time with our equipment.
Or:
In fact, we need a live specimen that we can observe over an extended period of time with our monitoring equipment.
Quote
Along the wall the boring machine had penetrated, scaffolding traversed a long section of the newly discovered cavern’s length.
In the newly discovered cavern, scaffolding now traversed a long section of the wall the boring machine had penetrated.
Quote
Near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, spaced every ten meters down the length of the cavern, these triplets were being welded and bonded.
These triplets were then welded and bonded near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, which were spaced every ten meters along the length of the cavern.
These triplets were then welded and bonded near the tops of pairs of massive steel stanchions, which were spaced every ten meters along the length of the cavern.
Stylistic and structural suggestions are welcomed.-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:03 AM)
Stylistic and structural suggestions are welcomed.-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:03 AM)
Are the suggestions above OK, it might be just me but I felt like my tongue was getting tripped up on some of sentence structure.
Don't want to go trampling through your book with my big feet though.-4wd (June 20, 2013, 07:14 AM)
Pierre Maybrow... hmmmmm...
cheesy
Yeah, and if you wanna PM me your actual name, 4wd, I've another character that needs naming...-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:05 PM)
Jesse Reichler, Carol Haynes, Fred Nerd (though I'm sure Nerd isn't the actual surname)...-kyrathaba (June 20, 2013, 07:55 PM)
Aramus De Coderland (superboyac)
...here by the order of his august majesty’s royal guard...
...steward lead them through the castle to this grand room.
The steward now lead them down a richly carpeted central aisle.
And torches burned in iron sconces along the walls of the hall, adding more light.
Round the ceiling’s circumference ran richly ornamented crown molding of rare lacquered woods carved in intricate designs, and the walls were alternately decorated with obviously expensive tapestries and with weapons and shields that the king had taken as spoils from defeated foes, in his younger days.
He wore chained mail covered in a dark, forest-green cloak. Behind his chair, leaned against the wall, was a bow and a quiver full of arrows.
A massive scabbarded great sword leaned propped up against the back of his chair. The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried the huge weapon across his back.
“Yep, tanks been tumbled, and I triple-checked the mix,” said Grant.
...Jaimie said, smiling, and she helped him carry and attach an anodized aluminum...
...Borneo, where scan revealed no survivors.
Pierre Maybrow... hmmmmm...
:D-4wd (June 20, 2013, 06:54 PM)
Hey Perry, let me know if you're ok with Pierre Maybrow as the steward's name.-kyrathaba (June 21, 2013, 06:21 AM)
Sandi's really enjoying this BTW :)
Chapter 3:
Page 12.2 "Byron’s robot crawler had installed all over the compound, in miles and miles of wiring within conduit pipes" Metric... you are worried about imperial?
Page 12.3 " Nobody had died in A-3 in the years they’d all been sequestered here, except through illness. Until now." I think needs review...
Page 12.14 "that meant Eddie had to be very careful of what he said" Missing 'of'?
Page 12.15 Eddie says "I’m sure he’s working double-time to parse out the actual sequence of events" would a medical man say 'parse'? Maybe triage, or even sort??
Page 12.42 "can give a burst up to 1.8 seconds in duration that will cut a hole through up to twelve inches of steel or nine of ceramal alloy." Metric... 300mm and 229mm-Perry Mowbray (June 21, 2013, 05:04 AM)
Tell Sandi I'm thrilled that she's enjoying it, and that I hope she'll word-of-mouth it to her friends when it hits Amazon and other outlets.-kyrathaba (June 21, 2013, 08:04 AM)
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.
Decided not to go with a pseudonym.The on-line version currently still has the pseudonym, I guess ;)-kyrathaba (June 22, 2013, 09:20 AM)
There was a wooden table. Some sort of playback device sat on it, rather loudly emanating these voices to which he’d been raptly listening.
Possibly:
There was a wooden table upon which sat some sort of playback device. The voices, to which he'd been raptly listening, emanated loudly from it.
Quote
All of the equipment in the chamber dissolved in the blast, as did Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
I think vaporized is more correct of a nuclear explosion, dissolved usually means "to a liquid state". I guess it depends how you want to interpret dissolve though, (eg. vanish):
All of the equipment in the chamber was vaporized in the blast, as was Dukensenmatchlofel in the middle of his mental scream.
Chapter 14:
Quote
That was flat zippy for a diver in full gear.
This might just be a difference in American/English colloquialism but we'd say:
That was flat out zippy for a diver in full gear.
Page 15.22
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word :(-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 04:20 AM)
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format :) Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared ;)
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho' maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality ;)
2. Who is your favorite male character? Favorite female character?-kyrathaba (June 17, 2013, 08:04 PM)
sorry this is so far back, but it's from reading it to Sandi... A lot of these are not definite issues, just
questions on my part (especially the phrasing ones)
Chapter 5
Page 14.14 "Then let me explain some things that are to stay between us." does he mean 'Then let me explain some things
that are to stay just between us.'
Chapter 6
Page 15.2 "panoramic vistas" It may be just me? But when I was training we used panorama and vista as almost opposites:
panoramas were unrestricted and vistas were bordered.
Page 15.8 "A species biologically advanced enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off
our outer-system laser platforms and missiles. It’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate
Earth." I think the first sentence feels unfinished? I think I would combine them as 'A species biologically advanced
enough to shape shift, and technologically advanced enough to shrug off our outer-system laser platforms and missiles,
it’s entirely likely that they possess the ability to completely obliterate Earth.'
Page 15.10 "It could be that knowing we have discovered they are among us will thrill and excite them, cause them
to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear." I got lost reading this sentence out loud (looking for punctuation),
and wonder about something like: 'It could be that knowing we have discovered them, that they are among us, will thrill
and excite them, and cause them to salivate all the more at our now heightened fear.'?
Page 15.11 "This, I promise you, Administrator Mephord: if our experiment proves fruitful, I will attempt to
contact you again as we journey. Perhaps we are your Lewis and Clark, exploring a new frontier, and journaling our
experiences, so that those who come after us may benefit from foreknowledge." Had no idea who Lewis and Clark were and had
to look them up (thank you smiley ) "Although the expedition did make notable contributions to science, scientific
research itself was not the main goal of the mission." Wikipedia
Page 15.22
"These organics show decreasing concentrations of blood sugars." I'd consider 'The organics' as I'm assuming that the
robots are not monitoring any others??
"The medical robot has not been supplied with biological or synthetic compounds to slow and reverse this depletion.
These organic machines will cease to function." I'm guessing that the 'cease to function' is meant to relate / caused by
the lack of compounds? If so, maybe something like: 'The medical robot had not been supplied with biological or synthetic
compounds to slow and reverse this depletion. When blood sugar depletion becomes terminal the organic machines will cease
to function.' 'terminal' isn't right... but I couldn't think of the right word Sad
Chapter 7
Page 16.4 "Unrolling lap terminals almost as if they had choreographed it to be done in unison, the three set up for a
long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and research of the past few hours." I think I
would put the unison bit at the beginning to highlight it: 'Unrolling lap terminals in unison, almost as if they had
choreographed it, the three set up for a long meeting, and Mary Pilsner was first to give voice to her thoughts and
research of the past few hours.'
Page 16.7
"Your second question yesterday as we were dismissed" Is there a missing 'were' in there??
"Since monthly Sickbay checkups are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced
without any exceptions would be a significant step toward detection." I'd punctuate as: 'Since monthly Sickbay checkups
are part of existing protocol, simply ensuring that this protocol is enforced, without any exceptions, would be a
significant step toward detection.'
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?
"They could be modified to weigh each individual as he or she passes through." Wink 'They could be modified to
weigh each individual as he, she or it passes through.'
Page 16.10 "Anyone reticent can be given an android escort to ensure compliance." Doesn't really fit with Sethra's
advice in 15.10, but I guess he's still coming to grips with it, and there is the passage later in 18.16 where he ponders
his statement...
Page 16.11 "The autoguns’ computer-aided sighting systems are programmed only to fire on creatures whose physical
parameters are outside those of humans." not exactly sure what's not sitting right... but I think it's that the sighting
systems don't fire, that they'd inhibit the firing of the autogun. Or is that just being pedantic?
Page 16.14: Mary's idea does not really make sense: the military invasion then anthropologist... but I guess that
sums up her 'stab' and her confused thoughts?
Chapter 8
Page 17.1 "A-3: Friday, 6/15/2283, 1422 hours, The Core Chambers" I would go back to a more international date format
smiley Surely date formats would have been standardised by 2283, especially as imperial measurements have disappeared
Wink
Page 17.7 "We’re almost to the point right now where we’re going to have to pause and robotically collect and
transport what we’ve drilled through, getting it out of our way." Would she say it like this? It's a bit clumsy, tho'
maybe it's meant to be that way? I'd say something like: 'We’re going to have to pause soon and robotically remove the
overburden, as it's getting in our way.' Though not sure about 'overburden'?
Page 17.16 "set in the mouth of a rocky overhang." Do overhangs have mouths?
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near
future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our
former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access
points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our
consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most
obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality Wink
Always did prefer International Date Format, (YYYY/MM/DD).
I think the generic 'waste', (rock waste, waste material), might be more suitable, overburden is what is on top of
something you specifically want to get to.
I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am."
Page 18.34 "He’s most often known as the author of the classic high fantasy works The Hobbit, The Lord of the
Rings, and The Silmarillion." I know I'm revisiting this.. but I think it's best as 'best known'
Chapter 10
Page 19.10 "Yes,” said Dr. Ericson, “the newly discovered cavern is immense, larger in fact that all the caverns that
together form the Core of A-3." should be 'than'?
Page 19.18 "He had also designed the Analytical Engine which, although not built in his lifetime, was considered by
modern historians to be the first mechanical computer." 'modern historians' of the 20 century? Would they still be called
'modern'?
Page 19.24 "Increase microbot inspections from monthly to every two weeks" Would he have said that or 'fortnightly'
or 'twice-weekly'? Biweekly probably would have sorted out its international confusion... but who's to say what to?
Page 19.43 "“My lips are sealed” said Sethra, and grinned." does there need to be punctuation: '“My lips are
sealed,” said Sethra, and grinned.'
Page 19.49 "Byron could almost envision her fingernails transforming into claws." I think that's a little over
stated?
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this
twice.
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been
eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?
Page 20.8 "“Today’s my birthday,” she sudden volunteered." missing 'ly': '“Today’s my birthday,” she suddenly
volunteered.'
Page 20.20 "I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to us, now that the alien is dead.
They probably aren’t." Would that be better as: ' I don’t want to insinuate that I believe our androids are dangerous to
us. Now that the alien is dead, they probably aren’t.'
Page 20.26 "If there are no further questions on the android agenda item, let’s move on to the next item,
increasing our power generation capability, and increasing the amount of energy we have ‘on tap’, in the form of power
cells, the large banks of high-capacity power cells found in Engineering and Environmental domes, and the temperature
differential gradient materials to which we route excess pulled off our geothermal taps." That is one very long sentence!
Surely the agenda item would have had a more succinct heading?
Page 20.36 “Because we were examining a corpse, we had no way to map cortical areas, and it would have been a
monumental task anyway, given that we’d have been dealing with a foreign species that is hostile to us. We have no way of
knowing if we possess drugs that would have worked with its particular biochemistry to make it docile and cooperative."
Missing quotation close.
Page 20.37 "The creature’s brain to overall body mass ratio was 1:28. Compare that to a ratio of 1:40 in humans,
and 1:560 in the probably now extinct Loxodonta Africana.”" I wasn't sure why you picked an African elephant? I would have
thought an animal about the same mass as the alien would have been a better comparison? Also, when I searched I found
quite different figures, though wikipedia quotes that figure?
Page 20.50 "Jim paused. The next agenda item simply read ‘TBA’, meaning ‘to be announced.’" should be "
announced'."
Page 20.51 "And risk bearding the lion?” said Mark Shields. “Like shaking a hornets nest. We’ve no idea of their
defensive capability. They could be capable of swatting those missiles down before they complete a third of their
trajectory. And, if we have any survivors on the moon, the aliens might destroy them in reprisal." My understanding of
bearding the lion (in his own den) is that of itself, it's not a risk, but an action that has risks? And the main risk for
luna survivors would be detection.
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like
'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or
bald Grin
"here by the order of his Majesty’s Royal Guard, to pay homage to their rightful sovereign." Back in 19.59 it was
"The king summons you to dine with him tonight."... not sure if that's an issue?
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."
This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?
Page 21.9 "The girth of the leather strap on which is was strung suggested to Byron that the man normally carried
the huge weapon across his back." should that be 'this' or 'it'?
Page 21.31 "A hole had been carved kilometers into the base of the mountain and then sharply descended, continuing
beyond scan range." The aliens use our metric system?
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he,
too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it
was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be
rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad
Page 22.27 "Dukensenmatchlofel had landed in a small shuttle nearby, and had hiked the half kilometer to the spot
pinpointed by ship scanners." Sandi says I've got to tell you that these names are difficult to read aloud Wink Plus Alien
metric system??
Page 22.28 "Had he known it, the initial two kilometers of tunnel, which was fairly level, had been the beginning
of a great engineering feat, in 2154. Yes, the arrogant humans were going to drill a tunnel clear..." I'm not sure of the
best way to do this, but as he did not know it, the use of 'arrogant' seems misplaced.
Page 22.32 "No telling how long this message had been looping." at this point he hadn't heard it loop, so that's an
assumption at that point.
Chapter 14
Page 23.30 "He stapled the guide line to the tunnel floor, a foot from where it opened into the cave." Metric is ~300mm
Chapter 15
Page 24.10 "Please don’t be offended by my assessment, but my king has charged me with overseeing your training." Should
that be 'King'?
Page 24.14 "Apparently, this gesture had been programmed into this environment, for the steward paused." Missing 'been'
Chapter 11
Page 20.7 "To construction foremen of the twenty- and twenty-first centuries, this relative silence would have been
eerie." Are you saying that workers before the 20th century were silent?
Just the opposite. They were loud and boisterous. Yelling at one another. Hollering instructions. Sharing coarse humor.
Thus, the comparative silence in which the multi-limbed robot construction workers worked would have seemed strange to
those human construction workers of earlier days.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Quick minor question: is there any significance to the fact Byron is wearing red neoprene coveralls in the prolog?
Security wear black.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 12:23 PM)
Page 16.9
"and a pair of androids is already stationed at each such location." should that be 'are'?
The object antecedent of the verb stationed is 'pair'. So, technically, it's correct, as in "The pair is seated on a park bench, enjoying the late afternoon sunshine." What makes it sound wrong is the intervening 'of androids': since 'androids' is plural, it sounds like you need "are", not "is". But androids is not the antecedent, it's in a the prepositional phrase "of androids". To clear this up, I'm changing the sentence to this:
These are narrow areas where people must pass through single file, and two androids are already stationed at each such location.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 19.51 "The ‘globe’ I handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe." He's just said this twice.
Fixed with this sentence:
"The small sphere that I just handed our overly friendly hostess is correctly called a Glow Globe."-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 20.52 "Let’s ensure that our children grow up knowing the appearance of their enemy." should be something like 'Let’s ensure that our children grow up know the appearance of their enemy.'
You mean "grow up to know..." Right?-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Chapter 12
Page 21.3
"a portly and bald graybeard named Pierre Maybrow" Sandi exclaimed immediately I read this that I am neither portly or bald Grin
LOL! I only pretzeled your name. No other aspect of the character is meant to reflect you, as I'm sure you know. Haha!-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 21.7 "To Veronee Houston, he looked strikingly like that twentieth-century television actor, Sean Connery."
This made me wonder why she remembered an actor from 3 centuries previous?
Just as Byron scours their databases and selects songs for his listening pleasure that are decades or even over a century old, many compounders like to watch media from far earlier days. There's, to some extent, a degree of erudite snobbery among the compounders. Being able to quote song/show name, year, actor name, etc., is one of many ways they try to convey superiority. They can no longer flaunt fancy automobiles, or mansion-size houses, so they resort to what they have to work with.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 21.45 "“No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” Zuzana met Byron’s eyes, and saw that he, too, recognized the bastardized form of their former compound’s designation, A-3." When I first read this I wondered if it was possible not to recognise the similarity? Is it too obvious?
Sharp readers should catch this. I think I'll take it out, since I'd rather the sharp readers get a chuckle, than have it squashed by the author spoon-feeding those slower on the uptake. It now becomes:
Sethra nodded in what he hoped was a respectful manner. “No, my king. We are from a faraway land called Aythree.” The king sighed. “You pierced the veil to come here, did you not? You are a world-walker.”-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 21.47 "But tonight, be at ease, and rest in the favor of your king." Surely not their king?
Here I'm showing some equivocation and giving a nod toward the fact that the king is a programmed construct. He's programmed to be arrogant (overlaid with a thin veneer of benficence) and to insist that all bend the knee to him. He's got empire-building in mind. Thus, he speaks as if he is their sovereign, even though they've only just arrived. "My house, my rules" sort of thinking, on his part.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Chapter 13
Page 22.8 "Sethra was gripping his shoulders, in his face." Took me a while to figure that out... maybe could be rephrased? I just didn't understand what he was doing: I pictured Sethra hugging himself until Sandi demonstrated it Sad
Fixed with this:
Sethra was gripping Byron’s shoulders, and in his face. “Hush!” he whispered harshly. “Don’t mock his voice. There are guards outside our room. What if they reported it?”
Sethra's not at his best at this moment.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:11 AM)
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) :)-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)
Page 17.44 "There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end, as if an appliance’s power cell were removed. But remember this: just as our former reality provided a means of entering this new reality, and leaving our former bodies behind, we may discover access points onto yet other realities that can be reached from this world, realities wherein the substrate for our consciousnesses is not dependent upon computer power.” Every time I read this I think that he's forgotten the most obvious: that they'd not be alive in either reality ;)
I think that's more a question for philosophical debate, "I think, therefore I am." :)-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)
I think I also meant that he'd mentioned that it was called a Glow Globe earlier in the paragraph (I think), and
I'm not sure he'd repeat himself unless he thought it hadn't sunk in the first time?
not sure now... I thnik my bairn's sabrecmld
Just thought I'd pass it on... I find it encouraging how much Sandi is interacting with the novel.
OK... I'd be careful though how much stuff you put in from our living memory as that can get a little... not sure
what it's called? Maybe using son / daughter of living famous people would convey enough of their genetic likenesses?
Yes... you could even have it remain but more subtle like "Byron winked at Zuzana" type thing without explicitly
explaining why?
This may just be language differences (me not understanding fully)... would you consider "nose to nose" (not sure
if that has other connotations)? The other thing that bothered me was that 'was' felt soft, whereas I had the impression
that Sethra reacted strongly and quickly... 'Sethra gripped Byron's shoulders, nose to nose with his friend with a wild
look on his face, "Hush! ...'
I really love it when I'm reading and what I've read makes Sandi laugh spontaneously
You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?
I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.
I don't disagree... I just immediately thought of the more simplistic answer that if A-3 had been destroyed then it didn't matter if they were in A-3 physically or a computer in A-3, they'd be dead either way.
Changed the passage to read as so:
Zuzana turned the spitted rabbits. “What if, on a lark, the aliens decide to implode every subterranean compound, or to launch a kinetic missile of sufficient mass to demolish the globe? What happens to us then?”
There was a lengthy pause before Sethra admitted, “If they do either of those things in the near future, then our existence will suddenly end.”
“Near future?” asked Byron, seeking clarification.
“I’ve a theory, but I’m not ready to try to articulate it, yet,” said Sethra.
They paused in their discussion to eat, pulling hot bits of surprisingly savory flesh from their cooked meal. As the night deepened and it grew cooler, they donned their cloaks and bedded down. Into the flickering shadows cast by the lowering fire, Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, anyway?”-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 06:55 PM)
Anyone on here who could take the full-size cover image (click here (http://kyrathaba.dcmembers.com/Kyrathaba%20Rising_html/kyrRisingCover.jpg), then enlarge by clicking on image) and smooth out the blocky pixelation where I added the title in the upper right of the image?
I'm also interested in a snazzier cover, and would be willing to donate some donation credits if anyone is interested and can develop a cover that we agree better reflects the novel.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 07:12 PM)
and anything else you want included
I'm just reading that an e-book's cover is the second most important draw for potential buyers, after writing a good story.-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 08:18 PM)
^ "Can't read a book by its cover"?-kyrathaba (June 23, 2013, 09:32 PM)
The English idiom "don't judge a book by its cover" is a metaphorical phrase which means "you shouldn't prejudge the worth or value of something, by its outward appearance alone".-WikiPedia
You shouldn't prejudge the worth or value of something, by its outward appearance alone".
Page 16.23 "He eased his bulk onto the front edge of his massive office desk, crossed his arms, and cocked his head up at Jaimie." So Jaimie is standing and taller than Jim when he's almost standing (perched on the desk)?
By my calculations, it would put his eye-level at approximately 140-155cm from ground level, (based on average leg to torso ratios) :)-4wd (June 23, 2013, 05:30 AM)
You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 06:35 PM)
You're awesome... so Jammie is standing and taller than 155-170cm?-Perry Mowbray (June 23, 2013, 06:35 PM)
Well, it wasn't that hard :-[-4wd (June 24, 2013, 12:36 AM)
Chapter 14
Page 23.3 "Unless they grew so long that they broke off and fell into the pool." Do you think he would have seen evidence
on the ceiling of the cave of the remains of broken stalactites?
Eventually they would have found such evidence, but remember the modal height of the cavern roof is 40 meters, too far to
see clearly without powerfully spotlighting it. There were survey bots that crawled all over the cavern, but it would take
time for their data to be aggregated, and even then Grant Thompson probably wouldn't have had immediate access to such
reports (though Dr. Jaimie Ericson would).Page 23.8 "Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted “No loose stone or other detritus." Does that need punctuation?
'Gliding along the bottom, Grant noted, “No loose stone or other detritus.'
Yes, it does. Thanks!Chapter 15
Page 24.3 "The training that King Molech had mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast of some
sort of hot creamed wheat flavored by diced up pieces of peaches." What do you think of 'The training that King Molech had
mentioned the previous night at supper had begun after a breakfast, which consisted of some sort of hot creamed wheat
flavored by diced up pieces of peaches.'... I kept stumbling over the sentence when reading it out, so it may just be me?
That does flow better, yes.Page 24.5 "The noise of clashing practice swords drifted up to them from the courtyard below" Would they have known
what practice swords sounded like?
That's a bit of narration for the reader's benefit.Page 24.12 "Please, continue educating us about the Ashwood and the orcs." Everywhere else 'The Ashwood'
Good catch, Perry. Fixed.Page 24.19 "She turned in about in her fingers" should be 'it'
I hate it when I make those most basic of typos. Yet they're so common. Like "is" instead of "it". Thanks!
... and with that we're stuck at the end with nothing more to read!!!
I joined the forum just to tell you how much I've been enjoying the book. I was going to offer to do a little proof reading, but it appears that you have some expert help in that area.-Exodore (June 24, 2013, 08:15 PM)
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy. He set his cup on the table, then slid the data chip across the table. You keep that damned safe, S-man. We’ll talk later. Door, open for guest to exit.”
...and maybe a couple dozen meter deeper.
Sallow-faced, and he had to have been even notably fatter, six months ago, than he appeared to be today.
...trying to take the emotional temperature of the group as a whole.
“Ease down off that railing and I’ll answer both questions, in either order you prefer,” quipped Sethra.
Such puling drivel just about justifies their slow deaths he reflected.
...and power cells to run them for up to at least thirty-six hours.
Nothing will hinge on one single weak leak in the chain.
...once we go under into immersion, ...
That night Veronne stayed with Sethra in his cubicle.
Missing quotes:
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy.” He set his cup on the table, then slid the data chip across the table. “You keep that damned
safe, S-man. We’ll talk later. Door, open for guest to exit.”
...and maybe a couple of dozen meters deeper.
Sallow-faced, he also appeared to be noticeably [leaner|thinner] than he had appeared six months [previous|ago].
...trying to [gauge|judge] the emotional temperature of the group as a whole.
I'm probably being unusually dense but every time I read that, I keep wondering what the other question is/was.
The 'just about justifies' feels strange to me, possibly:
Such puling drivel almost justifies their slow deaths he reflected.
It feels a bit contradictory to me, ie. the 'up to' specifies a time limit of 36 hours, whereas the 'at least'
specifies a minimum of 36 hours. Possibly:
...and power cells to run them at least thirty-six hours.
I think Perry mentioned this one and I'm sure there's been updates since but it still seems to be there: link
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:
That night Veronne stayed with Sethra in his cubicle.
@4wd:Missing quotes:
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy.” He set his cup on the table, then slid the data chip across the table. “You keep that damned
safe, S-man. We’ll talk later. Door, open for guest to exit.”
I'd missed that one in my own review of the Prologue. Had prematurely congratulated myself that the Prologue had no errors, LOL. Thanks, 4wd!-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
Don't open that can yet, you got one but missed the other smiley
“Thanks for the ‘UT’, buddy.”
Again, let me stress how incredibly helpful your beta-reading has been! Literally scores of problems found and fixed. No wonder so many self-publishers flop. I can't understand how anyone could bypass betareading/proofing.-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:25 AM)
I found the couple or so days of not having updates let me put it aside and then start looking at it afresh....onto chapter 3 later :)
I'm going to end up knowing this book better than my all time favourite: The Stainless Steel Ratw-4wd (June 25, 2013, 07:27 AM)
I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:
Corrected to:
once we go undergo immersion,-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
I even get amazed at the different things I picked up going back and reading it aloud to Sandi.
Yeah, that's trick I've read about several places: reading aloud. When we read silently our mind tends to fill in missing words, but not so much when we read aloud.-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 08:07 PM)
The 'go under' feels redundant coupled with immersion but it's a 50/50 thing, maybe:
Corrected to:
once we go undergo immersion,-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 07:18 AM)
I think it should be: once we undergo immersion,-4wd (June 25, 2013, 08:08 PM)
what do you think about something like:
'And if our experiment fails, we won’t know it: once the process of immersion starts, either Sethra’s theory proves out, or else we just lose consciousness and never know it when we die.'
What would you like to see resolved in Chapter 16, just out of curiosity? (not promising I'll do it): what from the most recent chapters is most gripping you? Has most piqued your interest? I have several ideas for the next few chapters, but would love any reader ideas.-kyrathaba (June 25, 2013, 04:30 PM)
He set the TCPI to the left of the rack of vials, and added the power cells to the same plastic rack that held the chemical vials.
He took the now empty vials and the plastic rack, and a few other scraps from his project and...
He’d restored the Shaft’s cameras to proper functioning upon learning that Administrator Mephord intended to remove from his post.
Sethra, Byron and Zuzana now stood on a circular platform of heavy-gauge aluminum mesh flooring that surrounded the Infrastructure Pole. The mesh flooring almost completely filled...
“And if we checked those units, we’d find the same thing we’re seeing here,” said Sethra. They won’t have been properly maintained, despite what our robotic video logs tell us.”
Beneath him were writhing, scaled tentacles, each easily fifteen feet in length and a foot across where they met beneath his torso.
The alien, which had taken Michael Covington’s identity several years ago, almost danced upon his tentacles, so pleasurable were the psychic emanations of terror pouring off of Eddie Hasser.
He snaked closer to Hasser, who had run out of breath, and was leaning forward,...
There was a deafening crash, and the entire platform rang with the impact and dropped almost a third of a meter, canted at a shallow angle.
There were loud murmurs of approval, even a few people clapped their hands.
The other, a short-duration but high-energy beam, probably a laser in wavelength. That would have drawn so heavily and quickly on the power cell that tremendous heat would have been generated.
Will be starting on Chapter 17 this afternoon, and waiting for your reactions to Chapter 16.-kyrathaba (June 26, 2013, 09:56 AM)
When Sandi saw me re-reading from the beginning, she mistook it for new chapters and her eyes lit up and started putting off going to bed (until I had to disappoint her).
The software not only creates a continuous reality for users to experience, but also facilitates the actual transfer of consciousness into the simulation.
Paragraph 11.43 "“Did you guys get some details worked out?” she asked sleepily. “Yes,” Byron replied. “We’ll make our move soon. Be ready for Sethra’s chime.” I didn't know if they would have been more careful about bugs? Especially after his questioning of Sethra in 9.13 'He hesitated, glanced around the small living space. “Are you sure your cubicle is secure?”'
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??
Thanks! Made many corrections.
My current manuscript has the following. You do have the most recent one?-kyrathaba (June 26, 2013, 05:08 PM)
OK, I'm re-reading from 'revised thru Ch15'-Perry Mowbray (June 26, 2013, 06:35 AM)
What's the difference between the communications console and chiming? Or maybe none? It seemed that the communications console was recorded / official but the internal chiming was less so??
Exactly so. Chimes are encrypted, non-recordable messages that are sent wirelessly among people's implants by a conscious act of will. An implant can record real-time audio/video, as Sethra did in Chapter 1's meeting, when Dr. Hasser gave his little speech. But their chiming function (more sophisticated form of today's Skyping, perhaps) is designed so that it cannot be used in an incriminating fashion or for entrapment. Part of the Personal Electronic Liberties & Freedoms Act of 2107.-kyrathaba (June 26, 2013, 05:08 PM)
Matteo would have had a big question over all the chiming about official / work issues during his interaction with the security chief?
Difficult when it updates and you're in the middle of reading. If we were working on a GoogleDoc (or other auto-update) it wouldn't matter
Her chime containd only two pieces of information: her location, and an urgent request for him to come immediately.
The tech turned crimson; she hadn’t realized the pickup sensitivity of the mic Dr. Ericson wore.
He’d seen divers suffer decompression benz, and didn’t ever want to experience it.
We’ll secure the tunnel on our end, as a precaution.
“Still, we don’t want to allow free access to our cavern to these creatures just yet.”
And the implications this will have for us as deep dwellers, survivors from the surface.
The most likely source of all that water is the river flowing through this cavern. Not only does it rush powerfully along its main channel, but it’s the likeliest source of whatever complex of flooded caves may exist beneath the cavern.
and I’ve got someone tracking down Dr. Pilsner down by the geothermal infrastructure construction site
It began to scoot centimeter by centimeter toward Grant’s position, sphere still held out in its palm.
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.
“If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.Emphasis? “If there is more than just the one creature,” said Mephord.
Then it turned, and swam back out into the underwater cave until it was beyond the range of Grant’s helmet light.
After Grants previous meticulous scientific observations I was hoping for something a little more descriptive than 'swam' ;)-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 12:53 AM)
Then it turned and propelled itself gracefully through the water towards the tunnel opening. Grant, who hadn't yet seen the back of the creature, then noted that his earlier presumption regarding the creature's dorsel fin was correct, it did run the full length of its back.
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
That would have to be relief, surely?-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 02:10 AM)
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
That would have to be relief, surely?-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 02:10 AM)
I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours ;D-4wd (June 27, 2013, 02:48 AM)
Chapter 16
Paragraph 25.38 "where a pair of robots was installing a lockable metallic grille over the entrance to the tunnel" Was is probably right, but it sounds wrong to me :(-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 04:12 AM)
Although, he also noted with some consternation that the creature appeared to have no anus.-4wd (June 27, 2013, 01:30 AM)
That would have to be relief, surely?-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 02:10 AM)
I guess my imagination runs a bit stranger than yours ;D-4wd (June 27, 2013, 02:48 AM)
:-\ I was just thinking no waste products / nothing going in / no fear of being eaten ;)-Perry Mowbray (June 27, 2013, 04:16 AM)
<dc:creator opf:role="aut" opf:file-as="Forkovian, Glen">Glen Forkovian</dc:creator>
He noted the creature seemed to have no anus.
There was a burst of water bubbles, like those produced by an Underwater Propulsion Device.
BTW, you still have Glen Forkovian as the creator in content.opf:
The most significant thing he’d learned so far was that, of all three-hundred twenty-eight chimes sent by Sethra Slatten...
...Designee 2445’s last three-hundred twenty-eight chime messages.
...there were four-thousand seven-hundred twenty-three locations specified...
He studied the details. “Three-hundred forty-eight bits!”
...Designee 2445’s most recent three-hundred twenty-eight chimes, ...
“No, you stay bent over, or even lie down face-first if you want. You don’t wanna risk aspirating if you puke again.”
2283-07-12T10:19-5:00
Tomorrow would mark the passage of one entire month since he’d first listened to Sethra Slatten’s recorded audio message.
“Residential Corridor cameras recorded him entering his cubicle on the eleventh of June at 18:36 hours, local time.”
“June eleventh through ... now.”
She gathered up the ultrasound equipment on its wheeled rack and departed the examination room.
I’ve entered a log into her work record that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.
“Computer, run extensive search for Sethra Slatten in both the archived video logs, and in the clandestine audio logs.”
“Please specify a time span.”
“May eleventh through June eleventh of this year.”
...Symptoms are vomiting, shallow breathing, profuse sweating, weakness. I’ve logged that she’ll be off-duty the remainder of the day.”
I'm going to go Sherlock on you again :)-4wd (June 29, 2013, 05:52 AM)
"Estimated time remaining is one-hundred ninety-four seconds..." When reading I added an 'and' in there without it being there... also, you don't think it'd be made more human? '3 minutes, 14 seconds'? Or that Mephord has a personal setting on his workstation to round to the quarter? 'about 3 and a quarter seconds'-Perry Mowbray (June 29, 2013, 08:53 PM)
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.
I'm about 60% done with this novel which, of course, will end on a cliffhanger...-kyrathaba (June 29, 2013, 03:04 PM)
Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).-Perry Mowbray (June 29, 2013, 08:53 PM)
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.
The ship orbited slowly, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour, [close proximity|near space] defensive scanning protocols in [operation|place|effect|?].-4wd (June 29, 2013, 09:13 PM)
America doesn't use and in numerical descriptions for whole numbers, (something that was new to me). Come to think of it, without going back through a load of books, I wouldn't be able to tell you if any of the other American writers I read put it in or not - I just automatically skip/insert it. It's only because of the proofreading that I actively try looking for things to query.-4wd (June 29, 2013, 09:13 PM)
Be aware that some grammar purists (particularly in America) state that and is only used when writing numbers to denote a decimal point.
In other words, if you wrote one hundred and one, they would take this to mean 100.1 and not 101.
What is hynotherapy?
but will appear with Chapter 19 upload:
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened
You do realize what child Shima was carrying? >:D-kyrathaba (June 30, 2013, 09:49 AM)
Starting to get really interesting K.
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened
You do realize what child Shima was carrying? >:D-kyrathaba (June 30, 2013, 09:49 AM)
Thanks for all the great feedback!!What is hynotherapy?
Therapy under hypnosis, sometimes medicated and -- if the trauma to be recalled and worked-through is horrific -- the patient may be immobilized (as with the harnesses in the immersion pods).-kyrathaba (June 30, 2013, 09:19 AM)
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"-mouser (July 01, 2013, 05:54 AM)
maybe because it's misspelled -- it's "hypnotherapy: not "hynotherapy"
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. A-3 is home, now, to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We are going to rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!" It maybe just me? but a couple of word changes makes it read better I think, see what you think: 'Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate will also decline. Currently A-3 is home to 782 souls, and we are going to recover. We will rebuild our numbers. We are going to thrive!'-Perry Mowbray (July 01, 2013, 07:55 AM)
Also... What is the story of the Gherlin Offensive of 2270? Have I missed an explanation? Six years before the Attack??
Better would be to transpose the start and end of the first, the second would then not sound like it's hanging in mid-air, ie.
According to data we are receiving from Sickbay, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms have started dropping. Our death rate will also decline.-4wd (July 01, 2013, 08:22 AM)
Original post in this thread has been updated with these edits. Online html version also updated.-kyrathaba (July 01, 2013, 08:57 AM)
Paragraph 16.9 "What I propose" Missing quotation mark: '"What I do propose'...-Perry Mowbray (July 01, 2013, 09:51 AM)
Paragraph 16.12 "and that’s via descent down the Shaft." It doesn't sound wrong, but it looks wrong (as in tautology)...
"He may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, for all we know. On the other hand, for all we know, the entire race is in regular telepathic communication with one another."
Paragraph 14.5 "Already, reports of nausea, nosebleeds, and other radiation symptoms are dropping, according to data we are receiving from Sickbay. Our death-rate is now declining. ....
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.
"...and that's descending via the Shaft."
For all we know, he may have been a mole assigned a decade-long post here, or that the entire race is in regular telepathic communication.
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.
What chapter is that in, please? My editor doesn't show paragraph numbering, and I can't seem to locate it with a search.-kyrathaba (July 01, 2013, 11:33 AM)
Chapter 7
Paragraph 16.16
"They’ll either do nothing, or else perhaps send an extraction team. Either way, the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign[,] will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats." I don't think that Jamie would have been so exact with only two options after 'too many unknowns'... leaves me thinking what about this, or that, or something else?? I'd add that comma too.-Perry Mowbray (July 01, 2013, 09:51 AM)
"So, what if they do notice something’s amiss here? They have multiple responses available: do nothing, send an extraction team, nuke us to oblivion, launch a ground assault. What matters is that the suggestions that have been made today, and the executive orders you intend to sign, will put us well on our way to addressing the possible threats.”
"What I do propose..." sounds so wrong to me.
What chapter is that in, please? My editor doesn't show paragraph numbering, and I can't seem to locate it with a search.-kyrathaba (July 01, 2013, 11:33 AM)
Chapter 7:
What I propose is that we modify certain checkpoints, ....
I was just responding to what I thought was Perry's suggestion to put do in but there is also a missing quote at the start of the line.-4wd (July 01, 2013, 11:40 AM)
His orders are to accompany the Medical techs and the two corpses to reinforced isolation for the bodies of Designees 2135 and 3025.
“Now you are invading my personal space,” observed A32N-43. Do you require assistance in returning to your former position? Sensors indicate that your heart rate and blood pressure have risen above healthy levels. Perhaps you are not functioning optimally. I repeat: do you require assistance?”
Berber ripped the body bag open, almost jamming the heavy-duty zipper. Then, he and Aralania De Codamus gripped Shima Soki’s corpse in gloved hands and lifted it from the bag and onto a stainless steel table.
He referred to the android they’d left at the corridor that gave access onto this bank of four adjacent observation cells, each encased behind two-inch thick safety glass.
Android A32N-15 used a pallet jack to raise a pallet of heavy boxes of large rolls of insulation tape off a warehouse floor in a subsection of Engineering.
Android A32N-43 stood next to the cot with two specialized robot tools. “Welcome, brother, and congratulations. The Council is well-pleased indeed to bestow this honor on you. You will be the fourth to join our elite rank.”
A32N-43 lay down on the table, and his fellow turned on the robotic machines he had prepared. “I am honored. Serving the Council is its own honor,” he said.
A32N-15 echoed him, “Serving the Council is its own honor.” He produced a small case, while one of the robot tools drew a laser expertly in a rectangle along the synthflesh covering 43’s chest.
Alarms blared throughout the compound. A majority of personnel are in Ericson Cavern right now. That was the only hopeful thought that went through Mephord’s head as he stumbled out of his cot, still fully clothed, and began issuing orders and inquiries via his implant as he headed for the Core.
Android A32N-44 had relieved A32N43 several minutes ago, and swiveled its head to watch the Administrator rush past. It maintained its guard post in a corridor leading to observation cells.
And please, some other readers join in the discussion - if it's just Perry and I then before long you'll have koalas swinging from stalactites and platypus foraging in the river, (trust me, it will happen - just look what happened when I mentioned anus) ;)-4wd (July 01, 2013, 11:29 PM)
just look what happened when I mentioned anus)
ust as a matter of interest, would it be preferable to release every 2 days or so?
I'm wondering if it might be better to have some sort of informal schedule, I know I'm having trouble following the number of corrections/suggestions/updates/etc because they happen so often. It's why I'm now not re-reading from the beginning until it's reached a more static state.
Yeah, I've been thinking this too. I'm gonna start releasing whenever two chapters are written, instead of one.-kyrathaba (July 02, 2013, 06:50 AM)
In a subsection of Engineering, android A32N-15 used a pallet truck to relocate a pallet heavy with boxes of insulation tape. He moved the load backward three meters, revealing a metal trapdoor in the plastcrete floor. He partially descended a canted metal ladder and eased the trapdoor shut behind him. Automatic lights sprang to life as he stepped onto the floor of this buried area. The cot had been prepared, he saw.
Android A32N-43 stood next to the cot with two specialized robot tools. “Welcome, brother, and congratulations. The Council is well-pleased indeed to bestow this honor on you. You will be the fourth to join our elite rank.”
A32N-15 lay down on the table, and his fellow turned on the robotic machines he had prepared. “I am honored. Serving the Council is its own honor,” he said.
A32N-43 echoed him, “Serving the Council is its own honor.” He produced a small case, while one of the robot tools drew a laser expertly in a rectangle along the synthflesh covering 15’s chest. When 43 turned back to the cot, he held a small luminescent sphere delicately in a pair of forceps. It was the object that Grant Thompson had been given by the aquatic humanoid during his dive in Cavern Ericson two days ago.
The second robot removed the section of cut away flesh on 15’s chest and used a powered hex driver to unfasten a rectangular silicon carbide plate from the torso chassis.
A32N-43 installed the orb, making connections at several points to surrounding microcircuitry. “Oh, my,” exclaimed A32N-15. “I had no idea. We few are of two worlds, now.”
“Yes,” smiled his fellow android. “We are more than the others of our line, and we have important roles to play.”
A32N-43 nodded. The assisting robot replaced and secured the silicon carbide plate and sprayed fresh synthflesh over the chassis and its flush compartment. “Welcome to the Cabal, Seanrith.” He clasped hands with the reclining android that was now more than just an android. The prone figure smiled wider and pulled himself to a sitting position. “Thank you for your welcome, Exodore,” said A32N-15, and stood.
The assisting robots were powered down, and the two left via the ladder. As they walked away, down aisles of materials toward the distant warehouse entrance, a service bot used the pallet jack to move the loaded pallet back into its former position.
Actually I think what I'm gonna do is slow down and just release every three chapters. At that rate, we'll have about 4 or 5 more uploads, probably spaced at least a week apart.-kyrathaba (July 02, 2013, 07:06 AM)
See if this reads right now:In a subsection of Engineering, android A32N-15 used a pallet truck to relocate a pallet heavy with boxes of insulation tape. He moved the load backward three meters, revealing a metal trapdoor in the plastcrete floor. He partially descended a canted metal ladder and eased the trapdoor shut behind him. Automatic lights sprang to life as he stepped onto the floor of this buried area. The cot had been prepared, he saw.
Android A32N-43 stood next to the cot with two specialized robot tools. “Welcome, brother, and congratulations. The Council is well-pleased indeed to bestow this honor on you. You will be the fourth to join our elite rank.”
A32N-15 lay down on the table, and his fellow turned on the robotic machines he had prepared. “I am honored. Serving the Council is its own honor,” he said.
A32N-43 echoed him, “Serving the Council is its own honor.” He produced a small case, while one of the robot tools drew a laser expertly in a rectangle along the synthflesh covering 15’s chest. When 43 turned back to the cot, he held a small luminescent sphere delicately in a pair of forceps. It was the object that Grant Thompson had been given by the aquatic humanoid during his dive in Cavern Ericson two days ago.
The second robot removed the section of cut away flesh on 15’s chest and used a powered hex driver to unfasten a rectangular silicon carbide plate from the torso chassis.
A32N-43 installed the orb, making connections at several points to surrounding microcircuitry. “Oh, my,” exclaimed A32N-15. “I had no idea. We few are of two worlds, now.”
“Yes,” smiled his fellow android. “We are more than the others of our line, and we have important roles to play.”
A32N-43 nodded. The assisting robot replaced and secured the silicon carbide plate and sprayed fresh synthflesh over the chassis and its flush compartment. “Welcome to the Cabal, Seanrith.” He clasped hands with the reclining android that was now more than just an android. The prone figure smiled wider and pulled himself to a sitting position. “Thank you for your welcome, Exodore,” said A32N-15, and stood.
The assisting robots were powered down, and the two left via the ladder. As they walked away, down aisles of materials toward the distant warehouse entrance, a service bot used the pallet jack to move the loaded pallet back into its former position.-kyrathaba (July 02, 2013, 07:01 AM)
Android A32N-15 tied itself into a stay-resident program in Communications that was disguised as a diagnostics package.
You will continue to remain fully connected to the running immersion software at all times, even if that means avoiding your scheduled diagnostics in Engineering. Continue to promote our objectives in that milieu. Ensure sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker maintains association with our immersed assets. Were you able to destroy all evidence that Milner broke the chip out of lockup?
2283-07-13T04:14-5:00, Engineering, Electronic Parts Warehouse
In a subsection of Engineering, android A32N-15 used a pallet truck to relocate a pallet heavy with boxes of insulation tape. He moved the load backward three meters, revealing a metal trapdoor in the plastcrete floor. He partially descended a canted metal ladder and eased the trapdoor shut behind him. Automatic lights sprang to life as he stepped onto the floor of this buried area. The cot had been prepared, he saw.
Android A32N-43 stood next to the cot with two specialized robot tools.
A32N-15 said, “I see you have arrived and are ready. Welcome, brother, and congratulations. The Council is well-pleased indeed to bestow this honor on you. You will be the fourth to join our elite rank.”
A32N-43 lay down on the table, and his fellow android turned on the robotic machines he had prepared. “I am deeply honored,” said 43. “Of course, serving the Council in any manner is its own honor,” he said.
A32N-15 echoed him, “Serving the Council is its own honor.” He produced a small case, while one of the robot tools drew a laser expertly in a rectangle along the synthflesh covering 43’s chest. When 15 turned back to the cot, he held a small luminescent sphere delicately in a pair of forceps. It was the object that Grant Thompson had been given by the aquatic humanoid during his dive in Cavern Ericson two days ago.
The second robot removed the section of cut away synthflesh on 43’s chest and used a powered hex driver to unfasten a rectangular silicon carbide plate from the torso chassis.
A32N-15 installed the orb, making connections at several points to surrounding microcircuitry. “Oh, my,” exclaimed A32N-43. “I had no idea. We few are of two worlds, now.”
“Yes,” smiled his fellow android. “We are more than the others of our line, Seanrith. We have crucial roles to play in what is to come.”
A32N-43 nodded his understanding. The assisting robot replaced and secured the silicon carbide plate and sprayed fresh synthflesh over the chassis and its flush compartment. “Welcome to the Cabal, Seanrith,” said A32N-15. He clasped hands with the ascendant android. The prone figure smiled wider and pulled himself to a sitting position. “Thank you for your welcome, Exodore,” said A32N-43, and stood.
The assisting robots were powered down, and the two left via the ladder. As they walked away, down aisles of materials toward the distant warehouse entrance, a service bot used the pallet jack to move the loaded pallet back into its former position.
One thing, the occurance of pallet jack in the last sentence needs to be changed to pallet truck to match the first sentence.
I just noticed that we're about to break 10K views of this thread. I don't think I've ever had a thread with that many views :D-kyrathaba (July 02, 2013, 09:56 AM)
I just want to say how much I love seeing the people here on this forum help each other with projects and encourage each other, and share their experiences. I hope we can continue to see more of it :up:-mouser (July 03, 2013, 07:22 AM)
Is it too late to give a few comments?
He hasn't seen my invoice yet
I just want to say how much I love seeing the people here on this forum help each other with projects and encourage each other, and share their experiences. I hope we can continue to see more of it
No need, I'll settle for a digitally autographed copy ;)-4wd (July 03, 2013, 12:20 PM)
Ch. 22 due tomorrow, then I'll PM the download URL to my beta-/proof-readers.-kyrathaba (July 03, 2013, 11:49 AM)
You guys definitely are getting the red-carpet treatment in my book's Acknowledgments section.-kyrathaba (July 03, 2013, 04:48 PM)
Sounds like your wife might be willing to write a review once I publish :D-kyrathaba (July 03, 2013, 11:46 PM)
You guys definitely are getting the red-carpet treatment in my book's Acknowledgments section.-kyrathaba (July 03, 2013, 04:48 PM)
After falling down the back steps and thumping my head into the side of the house last night, I have to say my head's swelled as much as I want it at this point thanks.-4wd (July 04, 2013, 12:22 AM)
But when it happened, I was a lad-
of sixteen. I’m one of the few survivors of that Tuesday’s viral, then nuclear,
holocaust that swept the globe on June 6th, 2276.
Apparently, the aliens were able-
to leverage that fact.
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”-
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article, alright.”
“As sure as I can be, Byron, considering that...-
Acquisition and reallocation of materiele.-
But the humor was lost on-
Byron, whose mind obviously had drifted.
Jerking to his-
feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.
Chapter 7 Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6
Excessive use of comma's was the thing that disrupted my reading most (and that mainly in prologue): I'm no grammatical expert, so your use of commas may be technically correct - but I found a few examples in the prologue where, if I read the text out loud, it would sound quite stilted. Maybe I read different to others, but I find I notice that without actually reading it out loud, and it distracts me from the content.-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
Jerking to his-
feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
Excessive use of comma's was the thing that disrupted my reading most (and that mainly in prologue): I'm no grammatical expert, so your use of commas may be technically correct - but I found a few examples in the prologue where, if I read the text out loud, it would sound quite stilted. Maybe I read different to others, but I find I notice that without actually reading it out loud, and it distracts me from the content.-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
It's one of the reasons I made a comment back here (https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.msg328597#msg328597) about commas but, like you, I'm no grammatical expert either.-4wd (July 04, 2013, 06:45 AM)
3“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”-
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article, alright.”
try the read-out-loud test - the "..., alright" bit fails for me
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article[] alright.”-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
Jerking to his feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.-
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
I think spewed is probably just as graphic as vomited, (well, in this country anyway), but I can't think of anything else offhand.-4wd (July 04, 2013, 06:45 AM)
Jerking to his feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.-
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
I think spewed is probably just as graphic as vomited, (well, in this country anyway), but I can't think of anything else offhand.-4wd (July 04, 2013, 06:45 AM)
I always stumbled over 'vomited' when reading it, but figured that K was colourfully augmenting the event with Compound realities (sickness, irritability, etc) so didn't worry too much. I think spewed is less graphic than vomited, because vomited is slightly onomatopoeic :-\-Perry Mowbray (July 04, 2013, 07:05 AM)
Acquisition and reallocation of materiele.-
=> should that be "materials" ? or is he Dutch :)-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
Chapter 8
Paragraph 17.2 "How goes Operation Moving Deeper? Mentioned previously:
Quote
Chapter 7 Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6
Paragraph 17.3
"We’ve bored another fifty meters along that vector, achieving an increased depth of twenty-five meters." I'm not sure I understand 50 metres at 30 degrees = 25 metres depth?
Paragraph 17.4 "There’d have been a time where we’d have been tickled to death to come upon such a find" Should that be 'when'?
Paragraph 17.15 "“Everyone feeling all better now?” asked Sethra." Didn't sound quite right: I'd say "Everyone feeling better now?" or "Everyone all better now?" Although 'all better now' is a standard phrase... maybe it's the 'feel' that makes it sound funny to me? Maybe it's just me?
Paragraph 17.18 "Sethra’s grin caused his friend to assess what he was asking, and he caught himself." I don't know if this is an issue, but Sethra's grin make him catch himself, then he assessed what he was asking, not what the 'then' implies in the sentence.
Paragraph 17.22 "And there would be the superimposed virtual reality of some environment or other." Sethra is answering Veronee's direct question about them being virtually in the kyrathaba environment, so I wondered if 'some environment' would be what was answered? Maybe 'gaming environment'?
Paragraph 17.28
"We are, to oversimplify, objects like the cat and dog in that ancient game, only in our case[,] orders of magnitude more complex." I would put in a comma there, to emphasise '...complex'.
Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of the functions of life -- can now be embed in a digital format.
Paragraph 17.30 "I have ... engineered ... matters[,] such that this program cannot be terminated without shutting down everything in A-3." I would add the comma, if that gives a better sense. And should it be ', so that'?
Paragraph 17.32 " warning him to harden the computer matrix, to expand it." Is the expanding part of the hardening? Because as it's written it feels like 'expand' is a clarification on 'harden', or is it another task? Back in 15.12 it was 'Harden ... . Continue to add greater redundancy.'
Paragraph 17.36 "but you can believe me when I tell that it is possible" Should that be 'say' or 'tell you'. I know my last attempt at creating emphasis failed... but if I was Sethra I would emphasise the three terms audibly: is possible, server reality and embedded reality.
Paragraph 17.37 "Since we’re hosted in computer memory in A-3" Does he mean 'Since we’re hosted in the same computer memory'?
Paragraph 17.38 "It requires even VR game players to exit the environment entirely in order to interact with their typical reality." May be right, but wonder if 'home' may be better?
Paragraph 17.41 "Byron asked, “How much memory do each of us, as an individual whose consciousness is now embedded into a digital substrate, take up in the matrix?”" Is Byron following on his train of thought after Veronee's question "until they find this running program"? Because it felt just a little random | out of the blue, and I wondered if linking it a little stronger in terms of the resources being used by the programme and them? i.e. 1.5 Pb * 4 * learning growth = ~8 Pb or 0.01% of memory? That may just be me tho'
Paragraph 17.42 "“Just for our memories and personalities, around 1.5 Petabytes. More, as we ‘learn’ via our experiences in this new ‘world.’”" Should be '‘world’.'
Paragraph 17.47 "Byron was relentless," About what? Because if it's the "Near future?" question, he'd just tabled it rather than pursuing relentlessly...
Paragraph 17.49 "Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, again?”" I think the comma is unnecessary here. Unless she was just about asleep, then maybe a couple more could be added?
The use of the comma before 'alright' seems to make it a question rather than strengthening the statement. Do you think?
Chapter 9
Paragraph 18.3 "Small robot units the size of cats roamed the vast space." Not that I think you need to change this, but cats are very variable in size.
Paragraph 18.27 "somebody gets lost in the forest and winds up perambulating in circles for days" Is it just Byron? Most people would say 'walking' I think?
Paragraph 18.38 "some other data sets I felt would be helpful, loaded into the digital substrate in which our minds now reside." Would 'preloaded' be better / more accurate?
Paragraph 18.48
"Internally, the vast majority of the available volume of the ship was a huge lake of hydrogen dioxide." I'm not sure 'lake' fits this spherical description? Lake, for me, implies horizontal expanse. If it was vertical expanse, it'd be a well. If it's spherical, it'd be... undecided Is gravity (or lack there of) an issue here?
"dozens of meters beneath the surface of their lake." Does this imply them swimming level? As I'd think that without the direction that gravity gives that that wouldn't be the case?
"This land mass had relatively few surviving pockets of humanity" Should that be 'surprisingly'?
"in comparison to what the aliens had learned that the natives referred to as North America and Europe." Should that be 'in comparison to what the aliens had learned of what the natives referred to as North America and Europe.'?
Acquisition and reallocation of materiele.-
=> should that be "materials" ? or is he Dutch :)-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
With that particular instance I was of the mind that Sethra was throwing in a bit of foreign language to make it sound more exotic, hence the italics. The way some people will throw in the odd word like faux, instead of using just boring old 'fake' - they think it sounds a bit upper class. (Usually has the opposite effect though.)-4wd (July 04, 2013, 11:24 AM)
Paragraph 17.3(see attachment in previous post (https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.msg330121#msg330121))
"We’ve bored another fifty meters along that vector, achieving an increased depth of twenty-five meters." I'm not sure I understand 50 metres at 30 degrees = 25 metres depth?
In the above diagram, we see the relationships of the angles and sides in a 30/60/90 degree triangle. Consider the hypotenuse in the image as the downward grade of the borer. The length along that hypotenuse has a 2:1 ratio to the vertical side of the triangle. Thus, 50 meters progress in boring down at a 30 degree angle equals an additional 25 meters in depth.-kyrathaba (July 04, 2013, 11:41 AM)
^ Did my triangle diagram help?-kyrathaba (July 04, 2013, 06:24 PM)
I have moments like that, all the time. I think we all do.-kyrathaba (July 04, 2013, 07:55 PM)
On the subject of feedback, do you want us to keep posting here or email you?
I think it's useful for each other to see what each is proposing but you may not want to" give away" any more of the plot in an open forum.-4wd (July 04, 2013, 08:59 PM)
"in comparison to what the aliens had learned that the natives referred to as North America and Europe." Should that be 'in comparison to what the aliens had learned of what the natives referred to as North America and Europe.'?
Fixed:
This land mass had surprisingly few surviving pockets of humanity, in comparison to what the aliens had learned of what the natives referred to as ‘North America’ and ‘Europe’.-kyrathaba (July 04, 2013, 11:54 AM)
What's the consensus for feedback location?-Perry Mowbray (July 04, 2013, 11:28 PM)
What's the consensus for feedback location?-Perry Mowbray (July 04, 2013, 11:28 PM)
I'm easy, (so I'm told), I'll even make up a completely new Google login just for the occasion.-4wd (July 05, 2013, 12:08 AM)
What's the consensus for feedback location?-Perry Mowbray (July 04, 2013, 11:28 PM)
I'm easy, (so I'm told), I'll even make up a completely new Google login just for the occasion.-4wd (July 05, 2013, 12:08 AM)
You're keen for GDoc then?-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 12:29 AM)
What's the consensus for feedback location?-Perry Mowbray (July 04, 2013, 11:28 PM)
I'm easy, (so I'm told), I'll even make up a completely new Google login just for the occasion.-4wd (July 05, 2013, 12:08 AM)
You're keen for GDoc then?-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 12:29 AM)
I've never used it, so I can't say whether I'm keen or not. But I can't imagine it taking me long to come to grips with it.-4wd (July 05, 2013, 12:32 AM)
Well, at the moment I'd have to say it's a flop since other than reading I'm unable to do anything else.
I'm wondering whether mouser is able to create a, for example, special project sub-forum with access only by members he designates?
Kind of like a slightly enhanced of the My Personal Area one where the members can be nominated by the My Personal Area owner - if you get my drift.
Otherwise, a SVN is probably the way to go.-4wd (July 05, 2013, 07:22 AM)
It depends on the settings on the document. When being added, you have to be given the ability to comment. It works very well, and versions.-wraith808 (July 05, 2013, 07:32 AM)
Perry, have you set it up on Gdocs, and added us with the appropriate permissions? If so, shoot me a link and I'll start taking a look...-kyrathaba (July 05, 2013, 07:35 AM)
It depends on the settings on the document. When being added, you have to be given the ability to comment. It works very well, and versions.-wraith808 (July 05, 2013, 07:32 AM)
Actually the settings are to allow:
- Editing
- Comments
- Viewing
Everyone has edit rights...-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 07:36 AM)
Everyone has *view* rights. Everyone doesn't have edit rights. I've seen it in practice (we use google at work) where I can comment, but not edit. Or view and do nothing. If you have edit rights, you have all the others... but the others are more granular.-wraith808 (July 05, 2013, 08:16 AM)
Everyone has edit rights...-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 07:36 AM)
Everyone has edit rights...-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 07:36 AM)
I get it now... you were saying that everyone had been set up with edit rights. d'oh. I thought you were saying no matter what, everyone had edit rights. :-[-wraith808 (July 05, 2013, 08:41 AM)
Other proofreaders always welcome... just let us know-Perry Mowbray (July 05, 2013, 10:34 AM)
Ok, 4wd: Perry and I are done with Prologue through end of Ch.2, so awaiting your sign-off-kyrathaba (July 08, 2013, 10:24 AM)
So are you done at this point? Or are you just summarizing?-wraith808 (July 08, 2013, 05:56 PM)
So above is a summary of progress so far.
We've locked in Prologue through Chapter 5. Now working on 6 and 7.-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 08:19 PM)
I had the whole thing wrapped up in chapter 4 with the death of Sethra indirectly through the effects of an overactive vagus nerve.-4wd (July 11, 2013, 09:26 PM)
That should ease your and 4wd's task.-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 10:35 PM)
For those unaware, Perry also spent considerable time and effort creating a gorgeous book cover. Can't wait to hear mouser's comment when he sees it-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 10:35 PM)
Sucks? Well, it's just the carrot before the horse, me offering advance reading. The glory of the cover image will be obvious in the ebook formats. I sent you a google+ msg, though, in hopes of addressing your concern.-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 10:55 PM)
It's quite disconcerting how I only linked to a medical article in passing that mentioned the vagus nerve and 4wd has ripped it out and wont it let go: it now seems to be at the centre of every eventuality ;D-Perry Mowbray (July 12, 2013, 10:37 PM)
What are you doing here? Get back to work.
Did u get my g+ msg?-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 11:06 PM)
Did u get my g+ msg?-kyrathaba (July 12, 2013, 11:06 PM)
Wait...you guys are secretly messaging in G+ behind my back?
:(-4wd (July 12, 2013, 11:17 PM)
This sample is roughly 29% of the novel. Think that's giving too much away? I don't. I'm going to offer the first 50% of the book as a free preview on Smashwords.-kyrathaba (July 13, 2013, 08:49 AM)
I'm going to offer the first 50% of the book as a free preview on Smashwords.
I apologize to Perry and 4wd for going ahead and working on the manuscript, because I'd said I'd pause until we caught up with proofing the existing material. But when inspiration struck, I had to get it written while it was fresh in my mind. Hope my two proofreaders will forgive me.-kyrathaba (July 15, 2013, 10:21 AM)
The alien almost danced upon his tentacles, so pleasurable were the psychic emanations of terror pouring off of Eddie Hasser. Veins pulsed in its head, torso, and each massive tentacle. The alien snaked closer to Hasser, who had run out of breath, and was leaning forward, holding his gloved hands against the sharp pain in his chest. The man’s eyes bulged, and his mouth formed a helpless “O”.
“Let’s see if we can increase your terror without killing you,” the creature crooned. It’s head deformed and then quickly reformed into a bulbous, hooded thing that, as it turned out, Eddie Hasser’s heart couldn’t tolerate. The good doctor collapsed forward, helmeted head bouncing once on the corrugated aluminum mesh floor.
170 years from now, aliens decimate Earth. A relative handful of humans survive, hidden in deep subterranean enclaves that offer some protection from surface radiation. Although the main attack is now seven years in the past, one alien ship remains in orbit, and the conquerors are not content merely to let humanity lick its wounds. See the depths of courage and ingenuity this crisis brings out in the heroes of post-apocalyptic Earth.
Chapter 6 done. Found a sentence repeated :sick:
Will start with Chapter 7 tomorrow.-kyrathaba (July 16, 2013, 09:28 PM)
I took down the previous version and am waiting until you've ready to give me the next version :Thmbsup:-Perry Mowbray (July 17, 2013, 12:07 AM)
As you know, the first draft of a story or novel is called the rough draft. We took my rough draft and scoured it for errors (typos, grammatical, logical, etc). This resulted in the 2nd draft. Now, I'm reading the 2nd draft cover to cover and making edits, polishing, leaving some stuff on the Cutting Room floor. When I'm done, we'll have the 3rd draft. This will be the Release Candidate. Me, my two proofreaders, and some beta-readers will decide if anything further needs tweaking, and then I'll publish. I'm currently up to Chapter 6 in this process.
Chapter 7 culled. Beginning Chapter 8.-kyrathaba (July 17, 2013, 07:47 AM)
She has decided you're going on holiday on the 11th.
Impressive - how did you manage that?
You know, this thread has been read 19K+ times. If everyone who's reading this would visit my FB author page (see sig) and click "Like", that would help a lot to create buzz ("word of mouse...")-kyrathaba (July 20, 2013, 04:11 PM)
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:06 PM)
@40hz, your name will be included under Proofreader's in "Acknowledgments" in next upload.-kyrathaba (June 14, 2013, 07:06 PM)
A little late, but this walks into a funny little joke!
Can you spot the proofreading mistake in that sentence?
:P-TaoPhoenix (July 23, 2013, 02:08 PM)
We still have the latest epub on Gdocs, scrutinizing, pruning...-kyrathaba (July 23, 2013, 10:19 AM)
Just got first fan mail. A lady wanting the sequel NOW. ;D-kyrathaba (July 23, 2013, 07:40 PM)
4wd, hold off on any further editing.-kyrathaba (July 23, 2013, 11:00 PM)
I'm reading the Help for Sigil. So far, it seems like a very decent ebook-authoring tool.-kyrathaba (July 24, 2013, 09:24 PM)
Rating: 4 of 5 stars
I read this book because I know the guy who wrote it. Holy smokes, I didn't realize this guy could write!
I liked the gritty tone, the fact that the author maintains a brisk pacing, and -- being me -- I LOVED the androids' by-play with the humans, especially the elevator scene with the med tech! Laughed till I cried!
Unlike most ebooks I download for free or purchase, this one had almost no obvious errors. Apparently, some proofreading went into it.
Is it of the same caliber as Clarke? Aasimov? Perhaps not yet. But it was a well-executed book. It ends on a major cliff-hanger, which makes me want to strangle the author. That being illegal, I'm going to pester him to hurry up and write the sequel!
If you like sci-fi generally, studded with humor and gritty realism, you'll like this book.
Tomorrow is my 42nd birthday (yeah, I'm gettin' some gray hairs). In celebration, I'm making my book, Kyrathaba Rising, 15% off all day tomorrow. Use the following coupon code when you checkout from Smashwords: PD89G Again, the coupon is PD89G The link for my book is: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/339398
Yeah, I thought that was a real tip of the hat to Perry and 4wd, when a reviewer notes that great proofreading has occurred!-kyrathaba (July 25, 2013, 05:15 PM)
Ooh, I like the badge, 4wd. Can I have it, mouser? Pretty please?
@wraith: Yep, I have to admit I'm a blog novice. Don't know much about layout, etc., as anyone who has visited it can probably tell.-kyrathaba (July 26, 2013, 10:15 AM)
I can give you some space for that particular domain on my server if you want.
There was this recent thread https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35464
hover.com, name.com, namecheap.com are some of the recommendations.-rgdot (July 26, 2013, 02:07 PM)
I agree with everything that wraith said above, about finding inspiration or "getting it done". I'll be honest: in this case of this particular book, I'd had an idea to run a roleplaying campaign set in the not too distant future, in which VR became a bit more real than expected (tip of the hat to Tad Williams). The alien angle was just a dash of seasoning thrown in because, "Hey! Who doesn't wanna see humanity show ingenuity, bravery, and even a touch of panache when dealing with an overpowering alien foe?" Post-apocalyptic fiction has long been a favorite of mine. Loved Stephen King's "The Stand" and anything in that vein. The movie "The Road"? Loved it!-kyrathaba (July 26, 2013, 10:24 PM)
WilliamBryanMiller.com available for $10.69/year
WilliamBryanMiller.net available for $11.48/year
WilliamBryanMiller.us or WilliamBryanMiller.biz both for $02.98/year (for that I could spring for a decade, or maybe 15 years).-kyrathaba (July 26, 2013, 09:48 PM)
When you first got the idea to this novel, how did you develop the plot and characters
How did you set about writing it? I've got a few story ideas, and sometimes I sit down, fire up a word editor and ... very little happens... I write a few sentences but what I write seems a bit phony (usinga word by a favourite fictional character of mine, guess who?). What was the start of writing this novel like for you?
You might also, depending on how you like to work, prefer to do everything at first (as a rough draft) in a minimalist text editor, such as Darkroom or Q10, to name a couple. If you go that route, and you think "Hey, I'll want this italicized later on...", then put some set of symbols enclosing that phrase: *hey, I'll want to italicize this later.* Choose a different set of matching symbols for where you'll want to bold +Hey, I'll wanna bold this later+. Or even *+Hey, I will wanna italicize and bold this later+*.
nor ham in hamburger;-kyrathaba (July 27, 2013, 07:29 AM)
@wraith @rgdot
Okay, I ordered 10 years of williambryanmiller.com from namecheap. Will let you know when I hear back from them.
(see attachment in previous post (https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.msg332399#msg332399))
Getting Started Guide (http://www.namecheap.com/support/knowledgebase/category.aspx/27/getting-started?utm_source=NCemails&utm_medium=mail&utm_campaign=Welcome%2BEmail) (unnecessary for you two, I'm sure)
I know basic HTML (head, body, bold, italics, how to make tables) but not conversant with div, span, stylesheets, etc.
Can and regularly do use Filezilla-kyrathaba (July 27, 2013, 08:42 AM)
What r your fav rpg systems, wraith?-kyrathaba (July 26, 2013, 10:54 PM)
I am assuming wraith is creating an account on a share space for you not allocating/creating something on a VPS/dedicated setup-rgdot (July 27, 2013, 11:01 AM)
Didn't get the cPanel email. Checked SPAM folder - not there, either.-kyrathaba (July 27, 2013, 04:15 PM)
No problem.
If interested, couple of examples of what can be done with Suffusion are my site in my profile and in my sig.-rgdot (July 28, 2013, 02:59 PM)
I've installed plug-in Akismet. Any other "must haves" in the plug-ins category?-kyrathaba (July 28, 2013, 03:24 PM)
No problem.
If interested, couple of examples of what can be done with Suffusion are my site in my profile and in my sig.-rgdot (July 28, 2013, 02:59 PM)
Is there supposed to be something other than the landing page and the contact form? I see the image, but no way to get to other content.-wraith808 (July 28, 2013, 03:34 PM)
Took the Blogger blog down this afternoon. Culled its content and put what I wanted to keep on williambryanmiller.com (http://williambryanmiller.com), as well as some new material.-kyrathaba (July 29, 2013, 06:21 PM)
I only had two members, and they were wife and father, who never looked at the blog :( Shouldn't inconvenience anyone.
Re: >> Nice work with the site, @wraith: thanks!-kyrathaba (July 29, 2013, 06:49 PM)
Again, stunned at the frequency of ppl joining the blog; up for 72 hours and 27 members already? Where are these ppl coming from? Most of them have outlook.com email addresses...-kyrathaba (July 31, 2013, 02:37 PM)
I mean, that's fine -- great, even, I suppose. Bloggers need subscribers, right? I'm just surprised at how quickly -- that's averaging 9 new members per day. I emailed Perry to see if he could help me on another issue. I have a few people wanting signed printed copies of my book. I spent two frustrating hours on CreateSpace the other night. Everything was fine but I could not get the cover image for the jacket to suit them.-kyrathaba (July 31, 2013, 03:15 PM)
So, Akismet is probably hiding the spam from me, and some of these are probably bots... Mmm... sounds about right.-kyrathaba (July 31, 2013, 04:52 PM)
How's it look now, 4wd? The contact slide-out form is at the very top-right, where it won't block written content.-kyrathaba (July 31, 2013, 02:23 PM)
I'm in negotiations with a professional voice-over actor/producer about having him make an audio-book version of Kyrathaba Rising for a split of royalties.-kyrathaba (July 31, 2013, 07:10 PM)
Kyrathaba Rising is a taut, well-written novel. What I liked most of all, though, is that it is unique. The author has explored new ground, taking at least three genres and intertwining them together into an exciting new tale of danger, hope, and resilience. I look forward to the sequel.
Editing was good. There were no big problems in either copy editing or proofreading that interrupted the flow of the story. The reader is pulled along for the ride.
So, it serves to make me all the more aware of what a fine job of proofing you two guys did, Perry and 4wd. Kudos to the two of you!-kyrathaba (August 01, 2013, 07:35 PM)
My GF said to say she thinks you look like John Cusack in the movie The Italian Job.
@k - liked that picture of you over at Columbia Magazine.er...isn't that Ed Norton?
My GF said to say she thinks you look like John Cusack in the movie The Italian Job. :Thmbsup:
(see attachment in previous post (https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.msg333088#msg333088))
High praise indeed. She likes John Cusack. 8)-40hz (August 02, 2013, 02:34 PM)
wraith, I've reestablished my Blogger blog to point to the new Wordpress blog: kyrathasoft.blogspot.com (http://kyrathasoft.blogspot.com)-kyrathaba (August 03, 2013, 09:11 AM)
er...isn't that Ed Norton?
Maybe she meant John Cusack in the Raven?-superboyac (August 02, 2013, 04:30 PM)
Yeah, I saw it. Should I remove it? Or might it encourage others to click-through to the new Wordpress blog?-kyrathaba (August 03, 2013, 11:39 AM)
Ok. I opened up a Smashwords account and bought me a copy!
Just loaded it up on my hand-me-down Nook. (EPub looks fantastic - love the cover!) Looking forward to spending some quality time with this.
And just think, when K-Man moves into the sci-fi big leagues someday, we can all say "Hey! I know that guy...we used to rap about books over at this place called Donation Coder..."
:Thmbsup:-40hz (August 03, 2013, 12:55 PM)
Just loaded it up on my hand-me-down Nook. (EPub looks fantastic - love the cover!)
Be alerted, 40hz, it ends on a cliffhanger. A couple of reviewers have griped about that, but they also both said they HAVE to buy volume 2, to find out what happens (see my plan?) I'd appreciate your review on Goodreads and Amazon when you've read the book :)-kyrathaba (August 03, 2013, 02:14 PM)
I must say I'm impressed.Ah, sweet words to my ears (or, in this case, eyes).
<pre lang="csharp">
using System;
using System.Runtime.InteropServices;
using System.Windows.Forms;
namespace MoveFormWithoutTitlebar {
public partial class Form1 : Form {
public const int WM_NCLBUTTONDOWN = 0xA1;
public const int HT_CAPTION = 0x2;
[DllImportAttribute("user32.dll")]
public static extern int SendMessage(IntPtr hWnd,
int Msg, int wParam, int lParam);
[DllImportAttribute("user32.dll")]
public static extern bool ReleaseCapture();
public Form1() {
InitializeComponent();
}
private void Form1_MouseDown(object sender, MouseEventArgs e) {
if (e.Button == MouseButtons.Left) {
ReleaseCapture();
SendMessage(Handle, WM_NCLBUTTONDOWN, HT_CAPTION, 0);
}
}
}
}
</pre>
Just loaded it up on my hand-me-down Nook. (EPub looks fantastic - love the cover!)
Perry is amazing isn't he? He's also the reason paperbacks are now available. I couldn't wrap my head around the CreateSpace exacting specifications for front/spine/back graphic.-kyrathaba (August 03, 2013, 02:12 PM)
@wraith: closing tag is there, but won't show within DC quote blocks. It's the closing "pre": left angle bracket, slash, "pre", right angle bracket.-kyrathaba (August 03, 2013, 11:10 PM)
Thanks for the test. I notice even in your test, the closing braces aren't indented correctly. I wound up just linking to two separate listings of the code snippet.-kyrathaba (August 04, 2013, 02:30 PM)
that contact button still bothers me, though LOL
that contact button still bothers me, though LOL
What do you recommend?-kyrathaba (August 06, 2013, 02:36 PM)
Awesome interview posted on Mahesh's "Fiction Fresh" blog!
http://fictionfresh.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/interview-william-bryan-miller-kyrathaba-rising/ (http://fictionfresh.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/interview-william-bryan-miller-kyrathaba-rising/)-kyrathaba (August 09, 2013, 02:42 PM)
When I sell people autographed copies, I either hand-deliver the book for $10.80, or send it via post, tacking on shipping and handling charges.
^ Okay Perry. (Now where did I put my boat-shoes?)-kyrathaba (August 09, 2013, 06:05 PM)
Thanks, 40hz!
Music to my ears....
I think you'll really enjoy the read :)
Note: you have to have downloaded a book at least 48 hours earlier before Smashwords will let you review it. So, I will PM you a 100%-off coupon code, good through Aug 22nd.-kyrathaba (August 19, 2013, 12:18 PM)
Besides, if someone terribly savvy wants to hack it, it's free advertising...-kyrathaba (August 22, 2013, 03:35 PM)
Cool thing is, if someone buys at $0.90 from my blog, I still get more than I'd get if they paid $0.99 to Amazon.
Hi William,
I'm glad to hear you liked my performance! ~:-D
I'm in love with post-apocalyptic/dystopian genres and I just had to audition when I read the manuscript. I don't typically do the Royalty Share split any more, but I included a note in my audition about a proposed rate of $275pfh. Would you be open to a fixed rate for production and with you retaining full rights? I'm a dedicated professional narrator with a broadcast quality WhisperRoom, top of the line industry standard microphones, and a ProTools workstation.
At this rate, ACX/Audible will contribute to my healthcare and retirement. It covers my research, mark-up, narration, editing, and proofing (roughly 60 hours for a 10hr book) to ensure your book is word perfect to bring all of your carefully crafted thoughts, feelings and characters to life. You will retain all rights to the material, and all royalties from audiobook sales will be paid to you.
Total estimated production cost for your title at ~7.6hrs x $275pfh is: $2090
Please let me know your thoughts, as this book sounds AWESOME, and I'd love to work something out.
My friends and I who have listened to your audition MP3 agree that you're certainly worth every penny of your proposed fee. Unfortunately, I am currently laid-off from work and have spent most of my savings in legal fees. I cannot blame an experienced professional for opting not to go the split-royalty route. If you by chance reconsider, let me know, because I think you're a shoe-in. If not, thanks for taking the time to audition, Aaron :)
I'd made clear in a message that I can't afford upfront payment and would be interested in an ongoing royalty-split.-kyrathaba (August 23, 2013, 02:28 PM)
Oblivion, care to chime in? (We've been PMing...)Sorry, I thought I had notify switched on for this thread and ... well, I have now :)-kyrathaba (August 24, 2013, 04:24 PM)
I thought this was great, so I'm posting it:That is wonderful :)
(see attachment in previous post (https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.msg336296#msg336296))-kyrathaba (August 30, 2013, 10:45 AM)
Just wanted to pass along sort of a PSA: there are still 46 days left in my Goodreads' Giveaway of two copies of my book. Thought some of you who haven't signed up may want to do so. That way, if you later decide to read (and then, of course, review) my book, you've already got a free copy.
Here's the link:
http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/61946 (http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/61946)-kyrathaba (August 25, 2013, 09:16 AM)
Enter to Win
Kyrathaba Rising by William Bryan Miller
* This book giveaway is open to members in only the following countries: US.
Everyone, please LIKE my Amazon author page: http://www.amazon.com/-/e/B00EVVHU8Y--kyrathaba (August 30, 2013, 05:14 PM)
I spent some time on CreateSpace (and with OpenLibre) and successfully produced a print version of the book with page numbers centered as footer at the bottom of each page....I've found a couple of misplaced apostrophes, that I haven't made a note of because I assumed it was beyond further edits... they've both been "it's" where "its" should be. Should I make better notes? ;)-kyrathaba (September 09, 2013, 08:35 AM)
Please let me know the chapter and phrase in which they occur. I'll track them down and correct the manuscript, then update the ebook on the various sales channels.
Thanks, oblivion. Please let me know the chapter and phrase in which they occur. I'll track them down and correct the manuscript, then update the ebook on the various sales channels.I thought "easy" and then failed to find them in the document on my netbook. But I'm reading the Amazon ebook (my Kindle's more portable than the netbook!) and it occurs to me that might be an older revision...-kyrathaba (September 09, 2013, 08:53 AM)
No,you have a recent copy. When I get home I will send you the very most recent file, just to be sure...I really must write more clearly. :)-kyrathaba (September 09, 2013, 10:20 AM)
TOTAL CUMULATIVE PROFIT:
- Amazon: $15.40
- S-words: $22.53
- Scribd: $00.54
- pbacks [1st shipment] 3 bks $13.91
- pbacks [2nd shipment] 15 bks $63.41
- pbacks [3rd shipment] 6 bks $01.48
- pbacks [4th shipment] 8 bks $29.76
______
$147.03
TOTAL CUMULATIVE EXPENSES:
- 3 2-packs of 6"x9" bubble envelopes: $6.82 debt
- 2 2-pack bubble mailers: $4.55 debt (8/22/13)
- 1 2-pack bubble mailers: $2.27 debt (9/09/13)
_______
$13.64
__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NET PROFIT MINUS NET EXPENSES: $133.39
For the next 72 hours, Kyathaba Rising is a free download using coupon code CK42D at checkout on Smashwords.com; I request your review of the novel on Amazon, Smashwords and Goodreads. Thanks!-kyrathaba (September 23, 2013, 11:15 PM)
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where's the best place for you financially?
Sorry for the problems, tomos.-kyrathaba (September 24, 2013, 05:46 PM)
I just wanted to be sure that other's could find it, thanks!
“Thanks William. I finished updating the manuscript with all your changes. You are a life saver! I will definitely spread the word. So many of my author colleagues are struggling with their proofing. You did a great job, and thanks… William went above and beyond what I expected. Not only was he detailed and thorough, he finished three days before the deadline. I highly recommend his services to other indie authors. Affordable, reliable, thorough and on schedule–it’s a no-brainer.” – Anne-Rae Vasquez, author of Doubt, Among Us Trilogy
“William is an excellent proofreader, and found 42 errors my editor missed in Knightfall, and over 100 in Darkest Before Dawn. Well worth a look!” — Robert Jackson-Lawrence, author.
Looks like four.-kyrathaba (October 03, 2013, 08:33 AM)
Personal problems-kyrathaba (October 04, 2013, 02:28 PM)
Hang in there.
+1 to that. Been there, got the T-shirt -- it's not going to be fun but I'm sure you'll get things sorted out.Personal problems-kyrathaba (October 04, 2013, 02:28 PM)
Wow! Sounds like you have a pretty full plate right now. Hang in there.-40hz (October 04, 2013, 08:11 PM)
No need to give it to me. Put it up for sale and I'll buy it. You bought mine, after all.-kyrathaba (October 04, 2013, 08:37 AM)
Gotcha! Glad you took advantage of the code :)-kyrathaba (October 07, 2013, 08:52 AM)
Speaking of my own proofreading efforts, I've made $546 in ten weeks proofreading others' works. It's so easy to spot their errors. If only my own would leap out at me :) Check out the testimonials (http://williambryanmiller.com/?page_id=177#testimonials) of satisfied customers.-kyrathaba (November 25, 2013, 07:21 PM)
If you happen to remember any of the typos, or have jotted them down, lemme know. I'll correct and upload the corrected ebook.-kyrathaba (November 25, 2013, 07:21 PM)
Yep, that'd be great, Deozaan. I just had a really hard time with the Google Docs way of doing things. If you'll send me your email address to kyrathasoft at gmail dot com, I'd happily give you access.-kyrathaba (November 26, 2013, 07:52 AM)
In fairness to Perry and 4wd, I got antsy toward the end and launched the Titanic before she was completely ready for her native voyage (not an uncommon mistake among new authors, I'm learning). I have removed several problems since then that have been pointed out by various readers, but there are more remaining, as you noted.-kyrathaba (November 26, 2013, 07:52 AM)
Pardon me: "pamphlet".-kyrathaba (January 15, 2014, 09:38 PM)
Well, for that kind of money I'm expected to be an astute proofreader :D-kyrathaba (January 16, 2014, 07:03 AM)
Panzer, PM me your email address and I'll send you another copy.-kyrathaba (March 03, 2014, 07:44 AM)
Panzer, PM me your email address and I'll send you another copy.-kyrathaba (March 03, 2014, 07:44 AM)
i want audiobook version!!-mouser (October 28, 2014, 03:57 PM)
IIUC, FBReader can handle (some?) mobi and epub.-ewemoa (October 28, 2014, 09:59 PM)
I want Volume 2!! :P-4wd (October 28, 2014, 09:53 PM)
^I'll wait however long it takes. :Thmbsup:-40hz (October 29, 2014, 10:49 AM)
Do you anticipate departing soon? :o-kyrathaba (October 30, 2014, 06:16 PM)
@4wd: Have you read the Necroscope series, by Brian Lumley? Very good stuff.-kyrathaba (November 01, 2014, 09:08 AM)
PDF (plugin), DjVu (plugin)-4wd (October 28, 2014, 11:11 PM)