"A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do that." — Gordon L. Glegg, British Engineer, 1969.\n Engineering Humor
I don't know where most of those came from, they were floating around on the 'Net.\n Engineering Humor
"For an optimist the glass is half full, for a pessimist it's half empty, and for an engineer is twice bigger than necessary."\n Engineering Humor
A number of different approaches are being tried. 	We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.\n Engineering Humor
An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. 	We just hired three guys... We'll let them kick it around for a while.\n Engineering Humor
Developed after years of intensive research. 	It was discovered by accident.\n Engineering Humor
Modifications are underway to correct certain minor difficulties. 	We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.\n Engineering Humor
Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. 	The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.\n Engineering Humor
Test results were extremely gratifying. 	It works, and boy are we surprised !\n Engineering Humor
The design will be finalized in the next reporting period. 	We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.\n Engineering Humor
The entire concept is unworkable. 	The only guy who understood the thing just quit.\n Engineering Humor
We need close project coordination. 	We should have asked someone else.   \nAlternate: Let's spread the responsibility for this.\n Engineering Humor
"Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste."\n Engineering Humor
Top Ten Reasons To Date an Engineer   \nThe world does revolve around us... We pick the coordinate system.    \nFind out what those other buttons on your calculator do.   \nWe know how to handle stress and strain in our relationships.    \nParents will approve.     \nHelp with your math homework.  \nCan calculate head pressure.    \nLooks good on a resume.      \nFree body diagrams.      \nHigh starting salary.   \nExtremely good looking\n Engineering Humor
"You can't spell Geek without EE."\n Engineering Humor
Top Ten Reasons NOT to Date an Engineer    \nT-shirt and jeans are their formal dress. Hot dog and a six-pack is their seven-course meal.       \nThe only social life known of is to post and talk on the net.  \nFlames like a monster and speaks like a pussycat.     \nWorks from 6:30am to 7:30pm daily. No morning kisses and no evening walks.      \nNo matter how hard you cry and how loud you yell, he just sits there calmly discussing your emotion in terms of mathematical logic.       \nOnly listens to classic rock. Hates everything from Bach to Prince.      \nTouches his car more often than you.     \nTalks in acronyms.   \nCan't leave that damn pencil off his ear for a minute.     \nWill file a divorce if you call him in the middle of debugging.    \nFrom the back page of the Engineering Weekly ("Ingenioren," a weekly paper for Danish engineers) on May 19th, 1995.\n Engineering Humor
"Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers ?\n Engineering Humor
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets."\n Engineering Humor
You Might Be An Engineer If...    \nYou have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.  \nYou enjoy pain.     \nYou know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.    \nYou chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force".     \nYou've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.    \nIt is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.     \nYou frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver".     \nYou know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.        \nYou think in "math".   \nYou've calculated that the World Series actually diverges.      \nYou hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.     \nYou have a pet named after a scientist.      \nYou laugh at jokes about mathematicians.   \nThe Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.   \nYou can translate English into Binary.      \nYou can't remember what's behind the door in the engineering building which says "Exit".   \nYou have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.    \nYou are completely addicted to caffeine.   \nYou avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.     \nYou consider ANY non-engineering course "easy".\n Engineering Humor
"Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." — Scott Adams.\n Engineering Humor
"Variables won't, constants aren't" — Old engineering saying.\n Engineering Humor
When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.\n Engineering Humor
The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.\n Engineering Humor
You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.\n Engineering Humor
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.\n Engineering Humor
You bring a computer manual / technical journal as vacation reading.\n Engineering Humor
The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.\n Engineering Humor
You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.\n Engineering Humor
You're in line for the guillotine... it stops working properly... and you offer to fix it.\n Engineering Humor
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.\n Engineering Humor
You have any "Dilbert" comics displayed in your work area.\n Engineering Humor
You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.\n Engineering Humor
You have never backed up your hard drive.\n Engineering Humor
You haven't bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.\n Engineering Humor
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring.\n Engineering Humor
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep.\n Engineering Humor
You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon\n Engineering Humor
You've ever calculated how much you make per second.\n Engineering Humor
Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets.\n Engineering Humor
You understood more than five of these jokes.\n Engineering Humor
You make a copy of this list, and post it on your door (or your home page !)\n Engineering Humor
"Boring: See Engineers." — From the Yellow Pages.\n Engineering Humor
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".   \nHe bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."      \nThe man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.     \nFinally, the frog asked: "What is the matter ? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me ?"  \nThe man said, "Look I'm a software engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."\n Engineering Humor
"Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a high pole. They try building a contraption by piling up unstable ladders, but after one of them gets hurt falling off of it, a technician comes, removes the pole, lays it on the ground and measures it. One of the engineers sneers at him: 'what an idiot, he didn't measure the height, he measured the length'..."\n Engineering Humor
"Some engineer out there has solved P=NP and it's locked up in an electric eggbeater calibration routine." — Randall Munroe.\n Engineering Humor
Three men — a mathematician, a biologist, and an engineer — are discussing their love lives. The mathematician starts off talking about how much he loves having a wife. She takes care of him. She always there for him. She's so constant, just everything he could want.\n Engineering Humor
But the biologist disagrees. "What you really need is a mistress", he says. "My wife is boring, but my mistress always makes sure there's something new and exciting going on".\n Engineering Humor
Those two argue back and forth for a little while until, finally, they ask the engineer to break the tie. Which is better, a wife, or a mistress ?\n Engineering Humor
"I like having both", says the engineer. "That way, one of them always assumes I'm off spending time with the other one, and I can go into the office and get some work done".\n Engineering Humor
Go take a look at the science quotes or the key to scientific research literature.\n Engineering Humor