"Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog."
Doug Larson "To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
Farmer's Almanac, 1978 "Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months."
Clifford Stoll "Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy."
Joseph Campbell "Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is."   
Dave Barry, Claw Your Way to the Top "But they are useless. They can only give you answers."
Pablo Picasso "A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila."
Mitch Ratcliffe "Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked."
Jeff Pesis "The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."
Eric Porterfield "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."  Popular Mechanics, 1949 
I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.' Anonymous 
The only relationship I have is with my Wi-Fi. We have a connection. Anonymous 
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Anonymous 
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. Emo Philips 
Dear humans, in case you forgot, I used to be your Internet. Sincerely, The Library. Anonymous 
My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right! Anonymous 
The only sure way to make a computer go faster is to throw it out the window. Anonymous 
I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man." 
If you think patience is a virtue, try surfing the net without high speed Internet. Anonymous 
Life is too short to remove USB safely. Anonymous 
Life I know how to live my life to the fullest.. but let's speak later after I finish playing some computer games. Anonymous 
My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer. 
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!! Anonymous 
Life is a pretty cheezy game, but at least it has good graphics. Anonymous 
Life What does a homeless person do the first time you let them use a computer? Searches through the recycle bin. CoolFunnyQuotes.com 
Time Sleeping on my keyboard. 
If I answer, I'm talking in my sleep. Anonymous 
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso.
"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning." Rich Cook.
"Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer." Rita May Brown.
"All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men." Isaac Asimov.
"To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer." Paul Ehrlich.
"The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity." Patrick Murray.
"Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers." Leonard Brandwein.
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." Dennis Ritchie.
"The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again." Al Goodman.
"The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit." Eric Porterfield.
"The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents." Nathaniel Borenstein.
"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so." Robert Orben.
"If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside." Robert X. Cringely.
"If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it." Pierre Gallois.
"Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known." FA Montagu.
"There are lies, damned lies and statistics." Mark Twain
"I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison." WC Fields.
"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.
"You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one." Albert Einstein.
"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." GW Hegel.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles Duell.
"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones." Mike Barfield.
"The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." Albert Einstein.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 .
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show .
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." David Letterman.
"In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies." Stephen Leacock.
"Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste." Wes Smith.
"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female." Desmond Morris.
"When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction." Steven Wright
"Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost." Russell Baker.
"Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google."
"Failure is not an option -- it comes bundled with Windows."
"Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music."
"COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods."
"Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity."
"To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password."
"Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error."
"If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0"
"If Python is executable pseudocode, then perl is executable line noise."
"Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code."
"Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?"
"I can't uninstall it, there seems to be some kind of 'Uninstall Shield'."
"Sec daddy ? All the keys arc in alphabetical order now."
"Hey! It compile*! Ship it!"
"SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it."
"Yo moma is like HTML: Tiny head, huge body."
"Windows Vista: It's like upgrading from Bill Clinton to George W. Bush."
"The more I C, the less I see."
"Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code."
"My software never has bugs. It just develops random features."
"The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back."
"Crap... Someone knocked over my recycle bin... There's icons all over my desktop..."
"User, n. The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot.""
Dave Barry "Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes."
Edsger W. Dijkstra "As network administrator I can take down the network with one keystroke. It's just like being a doctor but without getting gooky stuff on my paws."
Scott Adams, Dogbert "If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done."
Scott Adams "If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
Weinberg's Second Law "Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups."
Anonymous "The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec."
Marcus Dolengo "There are two major products that came out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We do not believe this to be a coincidence."
Jeremy S. Anderson "The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity."
Patrick Murray  "I really didn’t foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course – the computer industry didn’t even foresee that the century was going to end."
Douglas Adams "Never trust a computer nerd who doesn’t have their own domain."
Michael Horowitz "No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed."
E.A. Bucchianeri, Brushstrokes of a Gadfly "One day my daughter came in, looked over my shoulder at some Perl 4 code, and said, "What is that, swearing?""
Larry Wall "A Netscape engineer who shan't be named once passed a pointer to JavaScript, stored it as a string and later passed it back to C, killing 30."
Blake Ross "There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works."
Alan Perlis, "Epigrams on Programming" "One in a million is next Tuesday."
Gordon Letwin "Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the universe which strives to produce bigger idiots. So far the Universe is winning."
Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled "From then on, when anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it."
Grace Hopper, on the removal of a 2-inch-long moth from the Harvard Mark I experimental computer at Harvard in August 1945, Time (16 April 1984) "Given enough eyeballs, all bugs are shallow."
Linus' Law "Without us, you'd still be listening to music on a Walkmen." "Nerds don't always wear thick glasses and have greasy hair. Sometimes we wear contacts." "If at first you don't succeed, call it a beta version." "You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead." "Girls are like internet domain names, the good ones are taken." "You know what irritates me? When people say things like, "I looked up 'Nerd' in a dictionary and there was a picture of you." Well, I'm not the one that had to look up 'Nerd' in a dictionary that has pictures."
"Gentlemen, nerd girls are the world’s greatest underutilized romantic resource."
John Green "NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either."
Stephen Colbert "No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed."
E.A. Bucchianeri, "Brushstrokes of a Gadfly" "I reject your reality and substitute my own."
Adam, "Mythbusters" "Who needs friends? My PC is user friendly." "Profanity is the one language all programmers know best." "A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand." "Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw."
"You know you've been working too much if you try to enter your password on the microwave."
"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity."
Dennis Ritchie "I don't care if the software I run is unstable crap, as long as it is the LATEST unstable crap."
Lennart A. Hansen "Science is the art of answering the tough questions, and questioning the easy answers."
Mark Amend "One of the most frightening things about your true nerd, for many people, is not that he's socially inept - because everybody's been there - but rather his complete lack of embarrassment about it."
Neal Stephenson, "Cryptonomicon" "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
"Popular Mechanics", 1949 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Cars will soon have the Internet on the dashboard. I worry that this will distract me from my texting.  - Andy Borowitz
I'd rather check my Facebook than face my checkbook. - Craig Coelho
“User” is the word used by the computer professional when they mean “idiot.”   - Dave Barry
What did people do when they went to the bathroom before smart phones?   - Aaron Cobra Mervis ?@FeelingMervis
Each time I shut my computer down, I throw my head back in maniacal laughter and scream "Fool! I was only using you!"  - Bridger Winegar
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.  - Emo Philips
The problem with quotes on the internet is you can never be certain they're authentic.     - Abraham Lincoln
AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.   - Richard Lerner
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.   - Paul Ehrlich
Toyota has announced it will start integrating Microsoft technology into their vehicles. It’s perfect for the person who wants a car that crashes every ten minutes.    - Conan O’Brien
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Give a man Twitter, and he will forget to eat and starve to death.    - Andy Borowitz
The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called “LinkedIn.”   - Dave Barry
Compulsive texting gives me the willies. It’s just another form of butt scratching.    - Garrison Keillor
In a perfect world, answering machines would come with a “Get to the point” button.      - Jason Love
Rapper Zapper App: remote control that instantly short circuits anything operating way too loud: hip hop from giant speakers in cars, cell phones of clueless idiots with booming voices, and all Harley Davidson motorcycles.   - Greg Tamblyn
What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.    - Dave Barry
I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise. I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.      - Unknown Author
We had the Greatest Generation, the Boomers, Generation X, Generation Y, and now: Generation Text.    - Greg Tamblyn
I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.     - Andy Borowitz
My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.    - Damien Fahey
My brother doesn’t have to give parental advice to his kid any more. His kid’s phone has an app for that.
Our society will never go entirely paperless. There’s always the bathroom.
Technology has really changed parenting. There’s a whole generation of kids whose only childhood memory of their dad will be his bald spot bent over a Blackberry.        - Kate Deimling
My computer could be more encouraging. You know, instead of "invalid password", why not something like, "Ooooh, you're so close!"?    - Lisa Porter
Are you, or is someone you know, a gadget freak? If so, you doubtless know that Wednesday was iPhone 5 day, the day Apple unveiled its latest way for people to avoid actually speaking to or even looking at whoever they’re with.     - Paul Krugman, NY Times
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.     - Sid Caesar
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.     - Lily Tomlin
In the old days, we painstakingly copied our emails onto paper, put a stamp on them and mailed them to arrive 4 to 5 days later. We also churned our own butter and used our phones for talking.      - Peter Sagal, NPR, “Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me!”
Google is really powerful. Type in the question “Is there a God?” and it tells you, “THERE IS NOW.”        - Greg Tamblyn
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.   - Andy Borowitz
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"    - Andy Borowitz
Getting your news from Twitter is like asking a cat for directions.   - Andy Borowitz
All I have to do to empty shopping carts online is click a button. It's way easier than the grocery store, where I have to knock them over.    - Bridger Winegar
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.  - Andy Borowitz
I don't even know what "Java" is, but I let it do whatever it wants to my computer. I feel like a slut.       - Dave Barry
The last time there was this much excitement about a tablet, it had some commandments written on it.       - The Wall St. Journal, on the unveiling of Apple’s iPad
My mom actually believes I'm dating a girl named Siri.    - Kelkulus @Kelkulus
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.     - Dave Barry
My daughter is way more excited about the iPhone upgrade than she was about -- for example -- her own birth.     - Dave Barry ?@rayadverb
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.     - Dave Barry