"Double your drive space — delete Windows !" — Bumper sticker.
"If you don't know where you want to go, we will make sure you get there." — Microsoft slogan translated in Japanese.
"In a world without walls and fences, who needs Windows and Gates ?" — Dino Esposito.
"I think MS named .Net so it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing." — Oktal.
"I like women the way I like my filesystem: FAT and 16." — DevilsX.
"I like my web servers just like my women... insecure and full of holes waiting to be exploited." — B. G.
"Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever'. To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever'." — Dave Barry
"Is OS/2 only half an operating system ?"
"Overall, OS/2's problems fall into two categories: IBM and Microsoft." — Buy at Amazon.comJean-Louis Gassee.
"Microsoft is not the answer. Microsoft is the question. NO is the answer." — Erik Naggum.
"Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight." — Bill Gates.
"The only people who have anything to fear from free software (such as GNAT) are those whose products are worth even less." — David Emery.
"...the best way to prepare [to be a programmer] is to write programs, and to study great programs that other people have written. In my case, I went to the garbage cans at the Computer Science Center and fished out listings of their operating system." — Buy at Amazon.comBill Gates.
"Brilliance is typically the act of an individual, but incredible stupidity can usually be traced to an organization." — Jon Bentley.
"What does the Start button do — isn't the computer already running ?" — A Win95 user.
"Why should I press the Start button to turn the computer off ?" — A Win95 user.
"Windows95: It's like upgrading from Reagan to Bush." — Buy at Amazon.comAndy G. Ihnatko.
"People say Microsoft paid 14M$ for using the Rolling Stones song 'Start me up' in their commercials. This is wrong. Microsoft payed 14M$ only for a part of the song. For instance, they didn't use the line 'You'll make a grown man cry'."
"In Microsoft's case: RC = Alpha, Release = Beta, Service Pack 1 = RC, Service Pack 2 = Release." — Maldivia.
"Food for thought: A fully-protected-and-updated Windows box cannot, by definition, have an uptime of more than 30 days."
"Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said: 'I wish I had a nickel for every time a PC reboots'."
"Microsoft Works." — Oxymoron
"I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said: 'Outlook not so good'. I said: 'Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway'."
"Mac users swear by their Mac,     \nPC users swear at their PC."
"'Intel Inside': The world's most widely used warning label." — Jim Hopper.
"Intel: We put the 'um...' in Pentium."
"'Intel Inside' is a Government Warning required by Law."
"The Pentium III: It's Hitler Inside !"
"Q: What's the advantage of having Bill Gates and the Pope in the same city ?  \nA: So that the Pope can talk directly to God."
"Q: How many Ms programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?   \nA: 2,304. One to write WinCheckLightBulbStatus, one to write WinGripLightBulb..."
"Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change a lightbulb ?    \nA: None, he just defines Darkness™ as the new industry standard..."
Customer: "I'm running Windows '98"     \nTech: "Yes."    \nCustomer: "My computer isn't working now."   \nTech: "Yes, you said that."
"The cost to the world of closed formats is astonishing. I can only compare companies who exploit their customers through lockin to the type of thieves who would do $2000 damage to a car in order to steal the stereo and sell it for $1000." — Ozmanjusri
"People who think MS-DOS & Windows are the slickest thing since sliced butter should be forced to wear a sign stating 'This mind intentionally left blank'."
"Print out the EULA, strike the offending paragraphs out, have it notarized, send a copy in a certified letter to Microsoft with a note saying that their signature (on delivery of letter) is acceptance of the amended terms. End of story." — BlueUnderwear.
"A Windows user spends 1/3 of his life sleeping, 1/3 working, 1/3 waiting."
"Windows: Just another pain in the glass."
"Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something."
"Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail."
"Computer are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open windows."
"When the grammar checker identifies an error, it suggests a correction and can even makes some changes for you." — Microsoft Word for Windows 2.0 User's Guide.
"Apparently, Windows 98 is going to be renamed 'Diana, Princess of Windows'. It's overrated, overpriced, consumes loads of resources and crashes spectacularly..."
"Microsoft is trying to add some humor to it's error messages in Windows 2000. Here are a couple of examples:      \n— Printer not responding: Got a pen and paper handy ?    \n— Three things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss. Guess which has just occurred ?"
"If google made $1 everytime someone used them to find an answer to a tech support question, they would own microsoft."
"Our most reliable OS yet !"*   \n(* Based on total crashes since OS release) — Microsoft disclaimer about WinXP.
"For us Windows users, reports of new security issues seem to come as often as potholes on an Arkansas highway. Like the potholes, looking for the next one isn't all that interesting or entertaining, but we still have to try to avoid them or at least minimize their impact."
"Heard of the new version of Windows from MS ? It is called CEMENT — CE+ME+NT"
"These security related updates may disable your ability to copy and/or play Secure Content and use other software on your computer." — From the EULA of a 'security update' to Windows Media Player. In other words the scariest thing I've ever read.
"All I ever wanted was to see Larry Wall give Bill Gates a Perl necklace."
Read also this column by Dave Barry about MS-DOS and Windows.    \n^X^C     \nq       \nquit         \n:q      \n^C     \nend    \nx    \nexit    \nZZ     \n^D    \n^Z       \n^K^B      \n?      \nhelp
Customer: “Hey, can you guys help me out? My computer has stopped working and I need you to fix it.”        \nTech #1: “We can certainly give it a try. What exactly is wrong with it?”      \nCustomer: “It won’t turn on anymore, and when I try it starts smelling like smoke. I might have spilled some wine on it.”   \nTech #1: “All right, we will get right to work on it. Come back later today. If it isn’t done by then, we will give you a time to pick it up later.”   \n(By this time, the lady leaves and [Tech #1] tells me to bring the computer into the back room. I offer to take a look at it, since I have nothing else to do. I open the case and get hit with a strong smell.)    \nMe: “Wow, she certainly spilled something. It’s definitely something I have smelled before.”      \nTech #2: “You weren’t kidding. That smells really bad.”     \nMe: “And I get to work in it!”     \nTech #1: “Tell us if you figure anything out.”      \n(After about two hours of working inside the computer, I need to leave for the day. The next day I come back, and the techs are laughing.)    \nMe: “What’s going on? What’s so funny?”   \nTech #2: “You know that computer from yesterday that you were working inside?”    \nMe: “Yeah?”   \nTech #2: “Well, the owner of it came back, and after we told her all of the issues we found inside, she told us that her dog actually peed inside of the case.”    \nMe: *realization* “And my hands were in there removing ram and stuff for a good chunk of the day!”     \nTech #1: *starts laughing again* “Yep!”        \nMe: “If you guys will excuse me, I am going to go wash my hands for a good 20 to 30 minutes.”
The Hard Disk Is About To Be Broken… Over Your Head     \nChiang Mai, Computer Repair, Ignoring & Inattentive, Thailand | Working | August 31, 2017    \n(My laptop is broken. My husband is pretty good with computers, and after taking a look at it, he finds that the hard disk is fine, but the cord that goes to the hard disk is faulty, so the hard disk cannot send any information to the rest of the computer. I take the laptop into the local repair shop in the mall.)   \nMe: “Hi, I was wondering if you could fix my laptop. We’ve checked, and the hard disk is fine, but the cord that goes to the hard disk is faulty. Is that something you’d be able to replace?”    \nTech: “I don’t know, we’ll check it out. Leave us your number, and we’ll give you a call when we have an answer.” \nMe: “Great! How long do you think that will be?”      \nTech: “Two weeks.”   \n(Weeks go by, and I’m getting kind of impatient. I really need the laptop for my work. After four weeks, I go back in.)   \nMe: “Hi, I left my laptop with you four weeks ago. Do you know yet whether you can fix it?”    \nTech: “Please wait.”  \n(He gets out my laptop and checks it out while I watch.)  \nTech: “Your hard disk is broken. You need a new hard disk.”     \nMe: *frustrated* “No, I don’t. I told you when I came in, we’ve already checked the hard disk and it works fine when it’s connected to other machines. The cord that connects the hard disk is the problem.”  \n(The tech fiddles around with my laptop some more.)            \nTech: *after a while* “The cord that connects the hard disk is broken.”       \nMe: “….Yes, I know.”   \nTech: “…”        \nMe: “…So can you fix it?”       \nTech: “No.”    \n(They kept my laptop for a month without even looking at it. If they’d taken fifteen minutes to check it right when I brought it in, I could have taken it elsewhere right away and gotten it fixed!)
The Texts Aren’t Making Land    \nComputer Repair | TX, USA | Right | March 1, 2017    \n(We tend to stay pretty busy and usually quote a two to three day turnaround for most computer repairs. A young college-aged girl comes into the store. I remember her from a few days ago when she dropped off her computer with us. I’m a little confused as to why she is here since we haven’t called her yet to tell her that her computer is ready for pick up.)       \nCustomer: *snarky tone* “Why have you guys been ignoring me?”   \nMe: *confused* “I’m sorry, how have we been ignoring you?”       \nCustomer: “I’ve sent you guys, like, four texts trying to get an update on my computer from you and I haven’t anything back.”          \nMe: *more confused* “You sent us texts?”   \nCustomer: “Yeah, I sent two yesterday and two this morning and I haven’t heard back from you at all.”           \nMe: “Where did you send the texts?”    \nCustomer: “To here!”  \nMe: “You sent text messages to [Store’s phone number]?”    \nCustomer: “Yeah, and you guys have been ignoring me! I need my computer back you know. I use it for class.”      \nMe: “I apologize for how long it’s taking to get your computer back but we told you when you dropped it off that it would be a few days. Also we can’t receive text messages on [Store’s phone number] since it’s a landline.”        \nCustomer: “What do you mean, you can’t receive text messages?”   \nMe: “It’s a landline.”       \nCustomer: “I don’t know what a landline is.”      \n(The store phone is a cordless phone with a black and white LCD screen that shows caller ID. It’s about as technologically advanced as a cordless landline phone can be which is not very much. I pick it up and show it to her.)   \nCustomer: “I thought you guys were supposed to be tech savvy. Why do you have such an old phone?”   \nMe: “I’m sorry; I don’t know what to tell you about that. Your computer should be ready this afternoon. We’ll call you to let you know when it’s ready.”    \nCustomer: “Can’t you just text me?”    \nMe: *internal facepalm* “Sure, if that’s easier for you.”   \n(I ended texting the customer from my personal cell phone to let her know her computer was ready.)
Red Alert!  \nComputer Repair | São Paulo, Brazil | Right | February 24, 2017  \n(Someone call us requesting us to go to their house get their computer so we can repair in our shop.)     \nCaller: “Hello! Can you come here get my computer to fix it?”     \nBoss: “Sure! What is your address?”   \nCaller: “It’s [Street], [house number]. It’s right in the intersection. It’s a two-floor yellow house.”      \nBoss: “[My Name], go and get the computer; it’s easy to find.” \n(I go there and find the house number, but it’s red, and all houses have two floors. I ring the bell nonetheless but no answer the door, so I call my boss.) \nMe: “[Boss], I’m here at the number, but no one is coming and the house is red.”       \nBoss: “Okay, give me a minute. I’ll call them.” *calls Customer* “Hey, [Customer], my employee is at the number but I think it’s the wrong place. Can you explain again how to get there?”      \nCustomer: “Sure! It’s [Same Street and number], a two floor yellow house.”      \nBoss: “There’s just a red house at that street, and no one answered the door.”      \nCustomer: “Oh, yeah. It’s yellow, but we painted it red last month.”
He Has A Computer Bug Up His A**     \nComputer Repair | Inland Empire, CA, USA | Right | June 7, 2016      \nCustomer: *slams two broken laptops on counter* “Fix ’em.”      \nMe: “Um. Okay. What’s wrong with them?”     \nCustomer: “I don’t know; that’s your job, not mine.”             \nMe: “Sure thing. Do you happen to have a warranty on these by chance?”        \nCustomer: “I don’t know. Why?”                      \n(At this point, I’m plugging both laptops into the wall under my desk via the chargers the customer has supplied, so I can attempt to boot them up.)                               \nMe: “Well, these appear to be a little bit older. If they are out of warranty, we can work with you on services for rep—”          \n(The customer begins yanking on the power chords, which are now plugged in under the counter. The “bricks” on the chargers are swinging very close to my face. He yanks hard enough to free both chargers from the wall, and they come inches from smacking me in the face hard.)        \nMe: “Excuse me, sir, was that necessary?”             \nCustomer: “I’m not paying you to fix my s***, you a**-hole! Fix it or I’m throwing them at you!”    \n(At this point, management has come over to the counter and asked the customer to leave. He looks right at me.)                \nCustomer: “You want to go outside, buddy?”              \nMe: “Sir, are you serious?”         \n(The customer is escorted to the front of the door, detained by loss prevention, and the police are called. The manager comes up to me afterwards.)     \nManager: “Did he come in like that? What just happened?”
Wish You Could Back Away From Their Backing Up      \nComputer Repair | Bloomington, IL, USA | Working | August 7, 2015                 \n(I suspect my computer’s hard drive has died as it is giving every indication that the drive no longer exists. I take it to a computer repair shop.)     \nWorker: “It could be one of three things, but I suspect it’s the hard drive. If that’s the case, would you like us to try to recover your info?”             \nMe: “Sure, but I have everything backed up elsewhere, so I’m not too worried if it’s gone.”   \nWorker: “…Okay?”                                          \n(It turns out it was indeed a defective hard drive. I go in to pick up my laptop that now has a new hard drive.)                                     \nWorker: “So the bad news is that we were unable to recover any data. I’m really, really sorry.”    \nMe: “That’s okay. I have everything backed up.”          \nWorker: “I don’t think you understand. There’s nothing I can do. That information is gone.”     \nMe: “I understand completely. I have a backup on one of my external drives. All is well.”                                          \nWorker: “You know, you really should buy an external hard drive and back up your information regularly.”   \nMe: “Sir, please hear what I’m saying. I have already done that. My information is safe. I will be taking my laptop home and restoring everything that was lost.”                                                                \nWorker: “You’re not hearing me. You’re going to open this laptop and it’s going to have no information on it. So this doesn’t happen again, why don’t you buy an external hard drive here?”              \nMe: *giving up* “No thank you. Can you please just let me know how much I owe for the repair and I’ll be on my way.”  \nWorker: “Your total is [amount].”                                     \nMe: “That’s about $100 more than I was told on the phone.”      \nWorker: “Well, that includes your new external hard drive you will need so this won’t happen again.”                                     \nMe: “Listen. I have tried to explain to you that I do not need an external drive. I already have one and have been backing up my information for years. Now, you are going to take that charge off my bill and I’m going be on my way.”             \nWorker: “I can’t give you a discount for the external drive. You’re going to have to talk to my manager.”   \nMe: “Yeah… I think that would be a very good idea.”        \n(The manager started down the same path. Thankfully, I was able to get his attention about halfway through the spiel and explain I just wanted to pay for the repairs. On my way out, the worker yelled after me that I really needed to back up my information. Sigh.)
Instructions Do Not Compute     \nComputer Repair | Washington, DC, USA | Working | June 30, 2015                                  \n(I do repair work at a non-profit. My boss wanted me to train someone to help me with my work. While training him on a standard install procedure he decided to take notes.)   \nCoworker: “Okay… first, navigate to the flash drive’s folder.”     \nMe: “That’s correct.”                                         \nCoworker: “Second, insert the flash drive.”                                      \nMe: *politely* “Actually, you need to do that first.”                          \n(I later found out that he was trying to get certified as a computer technician. I managed to convince him to at least take a computer literacy course first.)
Can’t See The Bigger Picture      \nComputer Repair | Serbia | Right | June 29, 2015                                                     \n(I work at a computer service where we fix computers and sell some general computer equipment. Our boss prefers if we actually help the customer rather than make a sale.)    \nCustomer: “Hi, do you guys have a HDMI to VGA adapter?”      \nMe: “Sure, here it is. What do you need it for, if you don’t mind me asking?”         \nCustomer: “Well, I have this laptop that I need to connect to a projector for a presentation.”                                                 \nMe: “Okay, sir, this will work for you, but you do know that laptops have VGA output apart from HDMI, meaning you don’t actually need to purchase this?”        \nCustomer: “Yeah, I know, but I figured HDMI has HD output so it would have better picture quality.”                                                   \nMe: “Well, sir, projectors, especially the ones used for presentations, don’t really benefit from HDMI since their display quality is often way lower than HD resolutions. Furthermore this HDMI to VGA adapter degrades HDMI output to VGA so it could be transferred using VGA ports so you will have absolutely no benefit from HDMI.”  \nCustomer: “But HDMI has a better picture!”                \nMe: “Yes, sir, it does, but it has to be degraded to VGA quality so your projector can use it, so in my opinion it’s better to just use laptops VGA output instead of buying this adapter and using HDMI.”              \nCustomer: “But I want the better picture!”                           \nMe: “Okay, sir. That will be 10$”
VHS No Longer Computes    \nComputer Repair | Sweden | Right | March 31, 2015  \nCustomer: “I’ve got a broken computer and I need it fixed.”                \n(The customer proceeds to open a bag and out comes a old VHS player.)   \nMe: “Sir, that is not a computer. That is a VHS tape player.”       \nCustomer: “Well, my PC is broken and I was hoping that you could fix it.”    \nMe: “Sir, that is not a PC. That’s a VHS tape player and there is no repair shop for VHS players around anymore, as they are deemed outdated.”        \nCustomer: “Well, where can I find one?”                                  \nMe: “You can’t. You will have to buy a new one.”                 \nCustomer: “So, you can’t repair it?”                   \nMe: “No.”                      \nCustomer: “I heard great service from my friends when they came here to fix their PC.”     \nMe: “That is not a PC. That is a VHS player that you are holding in your hands.”  \nCustomer: “So, can you fix it?”
Maybe He Was Looking For A Raspberry Pi    \nComputer Repair | ME, USA | Right | November 25, 2014   \n(I own my own little computer repair shop, and lease it in a building next door to a restaurant. Though it is rare, I do sometimes get people who come into my shop by mistake looking for the restaurant because it offers to order out its food, and often this problem is resolved by me giving them directions to next door. My shop is very much so obviously a computer repair shop with only a desk to drop of your computer and a few displays with replacement parts. I am behind the drop off desk checking which order to work on next, when a customer comes in.)   \nMe: “Oh, hi there. Here to pick up an order?”   \nCustomer: “Yup, I had a order for Ted.”        \nMe: *I look up my database and find no orders for Ted.* “Umm, is it perhaps under any other name, or last name?”     \nCustomer: “No, I definitely put it under Ted.”   \nMe: “Hmm, well what did you get done on your system? Maybe I can find it that way?” \nCustomer: “Oh I ordered a large pepperoni, well done, with some hot wings.”   \nMe: “You mean, like the food?”       \nCustomer: “…duh! You work in a restaurant. What do you think is here?”    \nMe: “No, as you can see…” *I point around my shop* “I run a small computer repair shop.”      \nCustomer: “Don’t give me that bull-s***! I’m the husband of the owner and if you don’t get me my order I’ll have you fired!”   \n(I am amused by this, because since we’ve been neighbors for a few years I know for sure the owner of the restaurant is indeed a woman, but is also a same sex couple with her partner.)  \nMe: “Really now? I heard she and her husband broke up.”    \nCustomer: “No, we didn’t. We’re a loving man and wife. Now get me my d*** food, now!”      \nMe: “Sorry. I just can’t do that. It goes against my policies.”     \nCustomer: “I want to speak to your manager, now!”      \n(I call the restaurant and ask if the owner could come over real quick. She does.)     \nOwner: “What seems to be—” *comes in and stops almost immediately. at the sight of the customer.*   \nCustomer: “You’re not the manager of [Restaurant]. You’re just the stupid c*** that thinks you’re clever. I wanna speak to the owner, now!    \nOwner: “For the last time, you stupid dolt, this is not [Other Restaurant]. Stop coming to my store and yelling at my employees and customers!”         \nMe: “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to leave now.”      \nCustomer: “Screw this s***! You’re all stupid f***s! You can all go to h***! I’ll never eat at [Other Restaurant] again! I’ll have your jobs, too!”       \n(Both Owner and I were left dumbfounded by the stupidity of this customer. Lucky for me, though, I got a free sandwich for having to deal with the stupid dolt!)
Must Have Been Smoking A Half-Pipe    \nComputer Repair | Denton, TX, USA | Right | September 18, 2014   \n(I work the front in a local computer repair shop and am in charge of answering phones and scheduling service. The phone rings and I answer.)   \nMe: “How can I help you?”     \nCaller: “Do you guys have any skateboards?”   \nMe: “No, I’m sorry, sir. We are actually a computer repair company.”     \nCaller: “Oh…” *long pause* “So, do you guys have any skateboards?”   \nMe: “… No, sir. We only sell and work on computers.”  \nCaller: “Oh. Okay.” *hangs up*
Trying To Get A Laptop Lap-Dance     \nComputer Repair | New Zealand | Romantic | September 10, 2014   \n(For three weeks I kept having to come into the same IT store and speak to the same guy over a somewhat important component for my new laptop that wasn’t working when I first purchased it. The last time I go in, I am with my little brother and we are just waiting on the IT guy to bring the new part to the front desk.)    \nIT Guy: “So I checked the [important component] works out the back, but we’ll just check it works on your computer too before we close the service job. Some of the other guys here might accuse me of purposely screwing this up so I can keep seeing you!”       \nMe: *blushes* “Um, thanks?”  \n(I pull out my laptop and we check the component works with it before I take the component and put it away with the laptop, satisfied the whole situation is sorted.)       \nIT Guy: “Great! Now that’s all done, you won’t have to come back in here! Although personally I hope your whole laptop dies so you’ll have to come back so I can keep seeing such a pretty lady!”     \nMe: “Geez, I hope it doesn’t die! I really need it to work after all this running around trying to find a part!”      \nIT Guy: “Yeah, well, I do… But I don’t… But really, I do.”  \nBrother: *sensing this is getting a little awkward* “Well, thanks! Bye!” *drags me out of store*  \n(To the IT guy: dude, you helped me out so much, but you were so much older than me, and that conversation, wishing me absolute failure with my brand new laptop, got REALLY awkward, really fast. But you made me laugh, and embarrassed my brother heaps!)
Vacation Crime   \nComputer Repair | ME, USA | Right | August 7, 2014   \n(I work for a computer repair shop which gets a lot of work orders from a big company because we’re nearby and are known for how fast we repair units. We also use receipts for orders that are being picked up by others.)    \nCustomer: “Hey, I’m here to pick up a computer for [Supervisor].”   \nMe: “Do you have the repair receipt for their computer?”       \nCustomer: “No, just use my ID.” *shows me work ID*       \nMe: “Unfortunately, sir, I’m not allowed to give you any computer without a receipt due to security reasons.”     \nCustomer: *suddenly very angry* “Look! I’m an executive at [Big Company]. I can pick up as many computer orders as I want! Just shut up and do your **** job and give me [Supervisor]’s computer!”    \nMe: “I’m sorry, sir. But regardless of who you are, I cannot give you any computer without a receipt.”   \n(The door jingle goes off, meaning another customer has come into the shop.)   \nCustomer: “That’s it! I’m gonna have your a** fired, you incompetent f***! I’ve never been treated so rudely!”     \nMe: “Well, I hate to repeat myself but again, we’re not allo—”.”   \n(At this point I notice a police officer and security guard from [Big Company] standing behind the man.)    \nCustomer: *practically yelling at this point* “What?! Not allowed to give me [Supervisor]’s computer?! Well, I’ll –”         \nPolice Officer: “Mr. [Customer]. You’re under arrest for attempted robbery.”   \n(The customer turns around to see the two men, and makes a break for the door only to be tackled in seconds and taken away by the police officer.)       \nSecurity Guard: “Can you believe that guy? He quit and threatened to steal [Supervisor]’s computer all because he didn’t get the vacation time he wanted.”
Breaking Bad Passwords   \nComputer Repair | Australia | Working | July 26, 2014  \n(I work for a computer repair shop, and it is not uncommon for customers to forget to give us a password, or give us a wrong one. To save us a phone call, we try to guess the password in this instance.)   \nCoworker: “I can’t get in. The hint is ‘ice’. I’ve tried ‘frozen water’ and ‘cold’.”    \nMe: “Have you tried anything relating to drugs?”   \nCoworker: “I’ve tried ‘drugs’, I’ve tried ‘meth’, I’ve tried ‘speed’…”   \n(We burst into laughter and he realises how that sounded out loud.)       \nCoworker: “I haven’t tried DOING those.”
Common Sense Has Folded   \nComputer Repair | Wilsonville, OR, USA | Right | July 20, 2014    \nCustomer: “Where are all my old emails? I had them in the deleted items box so I could refer to them.”    \nMe: “They were removed from the deleted items box because they were deleted and you no longer wanted them.”  \nCustomer: “I store them there so I only have to push a button to get them filed. Also so I can find out who contacted me previously about a construction contract I have in case I get sued.”    \nMe: “I’m sorry, sir. They were in the deleted items box and they were deleted to help ease the migration from POP to IMAP.”     \nCustomer: “Can you restore all my emails?”       \nMe: “With your backup I can put them in a folder.”    \nCustomer: “What’s a folder?”    \nMe: “It’s a place to put email you want to save, manually.”   \nCustomer: “That seems like a lot of extra work. Why can’t I just push a button?”
Artificial Unintelligence   \nComputer Repair | Raleigh, NC, USA | Right | January 24, 2014   \n(It’s near closing. A coworker and I are doing some paperwork when a client comes in.)    \nClient: “Do you use WordPress?”   \nCoworker: “No.”    \nClient: “Then what do you use?”   \nMe: “For what exactly?”       \nClient: “Web design.”       \nMe: “Well, sir, none of us here do any web design.”     \nClient: “Then what is the point of your job?”    \nCoworker: “We fix computers.”     \nClient: “Aw, man. Don’t you know you are gonna be replaced by robots?”   \nMe: “What?”     \nClient: “Yeah. They got these robots that look just like you or me. They can do everything. They even be secretaries. They can cross their legs and everything.”    \n(The client attempts to cross his legs while standing and nearly falls down.)   \nMe: “Sir, the robots currently available have very little AI and have mostly just mastered walking.”  \nClient: “Man, don’t you know… THE ROBOTS ARE COMING!”     \nCoworker: “When the robots break down, who will fix them?”    \nClient: “Well, people, I guess.”  \nCoworker: “That’s right! Adapt or die, baby!”
Best Left To His Own Company  \nComputer Repair | Raleigh, NC, USA | Right | November 21, 2013  \n(A customer is trying to return a computer he has had for over six months.)    \nMe: “Sorry, you can’t return it now, but we may be able to fix it. What’s wrong with it?”    \nCustomer: “It doesn’t get online anymore.”     \n(I start working on the computer, and find the antivirus has expired and locked down the browser. This is a sneaky trick some antivirus software does to get you to renew.)   \nMe: “I removed your expired AV. Your browser is working. You will need new AV.”    \nCustomer: “Awesome, that’s great. Hey do you have those cameras that go up high?”   \nMe: “…Cameras that go up high?”       \nCustomer: “Yeah, like those.”    \n(He points to the store’s security cameras.)   \nMe: “Oh, security cameras? No, we don’t sell anything like that.”      \nCustomer: “But [Other Store] sells them.”    \nMe: “Yes, sir, but we are a different company.”   \n(As I answer him, the customer looks very strange; it’s as if he is no longer all there mentally. He begins muttering to himself.)       \nCustomer: “Different company? Diff-erent company… Different comp-any…”      \n(The customer picks up his computer and walks off, all the while continuing to mutter and stare directly into the lights in the ceiling. After he leaves, my coworker speaks up.)    \nCoworker: “…What just happened?”
Laptop Flop, Part 4     \nComputer Repair | TX, USA | Right | November 13, 2013 \n(I work at a computer repair center downtown. There is a crosswalk leading from our door across the street, with two parking spaces adjacent to it.)    \nMe: “If there are any other problems, please feel free to call or drop by; we are more than happy to help.”  \n(The customer takes his newly refurbished laptop and a brand new case from me.)  \nCustomer: “Thank you so much. I really appreciate this. Do you guys happen to work on smart phones?”   \nMe: “Yes, we do. Just bring the phone in anytime, and we will take a look at it.”    \nCustomer: “It’s in my car, actually. I’ll be right back.”     \n(The customer walks out the door to their car, and momentarily sets the laptop in its case down in the crosswalk while he looks for his keys. I have spent several long and frustrating hours working on the laptop, but because the customer is so kind and polite I don’t really mind. Unfortunately, a driver in a black pickup suddenly drives into the crosswalk and parks his truck on top of the laptop, damaging it.)     \nMe: “Well, f***.”    \n(The customer and the driver argue for a moment, before the driver comes in with the customer on his heels.)  \nCustomer: “Look at what he did!”      \n(I quickly examine his laptop, and make an estimate on how much it will cost to repair it. Thankfully the damage isn’t too terrible.)     \nDriver: “Hey! I was here first! Quit helping him and help me! I need to pick up my [smart phone]!”     \nCustomer #1: *to the driver* “And what exactly do you plan on doing about my laptop!”    \nDriver: “Nothing! It’s your own d*** fault for leaving it in a parking spot.”   \nCustomer: “It cost me $275 to have it refurbished!”     \nDriver: “Sorry for you! Maybe you wont be such a moron next time and put it in your car instead of leaving it in a parking space!”              \nMe: *to the driver* “That will be a total of $291.57.”    \nDriver: “What! Why the h*** does it cost that much? This is outrageous! You’re just trying to rip me off! Give me my phone back NOW!”    \nMe: “It is $49.99 to replace the screen on your phone, and the repairs for this laptop will approximately cost $219.99. Including tax, your total comes to $291.57. Will that be cash or card?”   \nDriver: “What!? I am not paying for this a**hole’s laptop. It’s his own f****** fault for leaving it in the parking space!”  \nMe: “So, let me get this straight: you park in the clearly marked crosswalk, which is a no-parking zone. You whip into the space and nearly hit him because you weren’t paying attention to where you were going, and run over his laptop. The same laptop I have spent the last two days working on, which was sitting in, again, a clearly marked no-parking zone, and you’re not going to take responsibility for your actions?”     \nDriver: “Exactly! I am not paying for this little s***’s stupidity.”       \nMe: *to the customer* “It looks like your repairs will be on me.”          \nCustomer: “Thank you, but you don’t have to do that.”           \nDriver: “Yeah, you have to pay for it because you’re a dumba** that left his computer in a parking space.” *turns to me* “Now give me my d*** phone.”    \nMe: “Get out.”   \nDriver: “No, I want my phone. Now hand it over.”      \nMe: “No. Either you pay for all of it, or you get nothing.”  \nDriver: “I’ll sue!”          \nMe: *pointing* “There are a total of one, two, three security cameras that have caught everything on tape. Do you really think you could justify refusing to pay damages in front of a judge?”    \n(The driver looks crestfallen, and finally pays for all of it. The customer gives me a $20 tip!)
USB = Universally Stupid Backups   \nComputer Repair | SC, USA | Right | October 14, 2013     \n(I have just solved a customer’s virus problem.)    \nMe: “That should do it. I got it all before it was able to do any major damage. Do you keep good backups?”    \nCustomer: “Backups?” \nMe: “Yes, copies of your important files for when—and I do mean when, not if—something happens to your computer. For instance if this virus had not been kept in check.” \nCustomer: “So I could have lost all my music and wedding photos, and pictures of my grandma who passed away?!” \nMe: “It’s possible, if you do not have copies somewhere else, yes.”    \nCustomer: “Oh my God! Can you show me how to back them up?!”       \n(I spend another 30 minutes showing her how to backup to a USB thumb-drive I have with me, as she does not own one.)    \nMe: “You will need to get your own USB drive. You should be able to get one of adequate size for around $10 to $20.”    \n(Three months later, I am at the same customer’s house.)     \nMe: “Sorry, but it looks like your hard drive has crashed.”   \nCustomer: “What does that mean?!”    \nMe: “The part where all your information is stored has gone bad. Anything on it that was not backed up may very well be gone for good, unless you wanted to send it away for costly data recovery.”  \nCustomer: “Oh yeah… I remember you telling me to backup the last time you were here so I went and got one of those things… let me get it.”   \n(She leaves the room. I hear some rummaging and she soon returns holding the UNOPENED USB drive.)     \nCustomer: “Sure am glad I got this!”