Some things Man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google. Failure is not an option - it comes bundled with Windows. Computer games don't affect kids; I mean if Pac-Man affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. Like car accidents, most hardware problems are due to driver error. If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0 If Python is executable pseudo code, then Perl is executable line noise. COBOL programmers understand why women hate periods. Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity. To err is human... to really foul up requires the root password. Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users ? Crap... Someone knocked over my recycle bin... There's icons all over my desktop..." Relax, its only ONES and ZEROS ! rm -rf /bin/laden I don't care if you ARE getting a PhD in it ! Get away from that damn computer and go find a woman ! The great thing about Object Oriented code is that it can make small, simple problems look like large, complex ones. I can't uninstall it, there seems to be some kind of 'Uninstall Shield'. See daddy ? All the keys are in alphabetical order now. Hey! It compiles! Ship it! SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it. Yo moma is like HTML: Tiny head, huge body. Windows Vista: It's like upgrading from Bill Clinton to George W. Bush. The more I C, the less I see. Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. The only problem with troubleshooting is that sometimes trouble shoots back. If brute force doesn't solve your problems, then you aren't using enough. Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life. Unix is user-friendly. It's just very selective about who its friends are. Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips. I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS ! If you don't want to be replaced by a computer, don't act like one. Better to be a geek than an idiot. I went to a gentleman's cybercafé — and they offered me a 'laptop dance'. After Perl everything else is just assembly language. The Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents. There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't. Difference between a virus and windows ? Viruses rarely fail. Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back to you. 1f u c4n r34d th1s u r34lly n33d t0 g37 l41d Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it. User: What's your computer doing on mine? I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing. If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer. Any fool can use a computer. Many do. Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. Those who can't write programs, write help files. You know you're a geek when... You try to shoo a fly away from the monitor with your cursor. That just happened to me. It was scary. Computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is. I think there is a world market for maybe five computers. – Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943 Press any key to continue or any other key to quit… Computers have lots of memory but no imagination. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. The computer was born to solve problems that did not exist before. Hard Drive: The part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it. – Dave Barry I had a life once… Now I have a computer and a modem. Why are so many viruses aimed at windows ? It crashes just fine on its own thank you! When all else fails, read the manual. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked. – Jeff Pesis DOS never says : EXCELLENT command or filename. The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim. – Edsger W. Dijkstra First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to turn numbers into letters with ASCII – and we thought it was a typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a television. With the World Wide Web, we’ve realized it’s a brochure. \n– Douglas Adams To err is human. To really foul things up requires a computer. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Keyboard missing – press F3 to continue. A computer is like the union, it never works unless you spend money on it. Never let a computer know you’re in a hurry. Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind. The computer is a product of the human mind. The computer does not perform without the control of the human mind. – Dr T.P.Chia “Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A B*TCH. That frustrating moment when you can’t remember your password. Unix never says ‘please’. – Rob Pike Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. Computers are like air conditioners. They work fine until you start opening windows. Human brain is a computer…the difference is that we don’t have any backup or restore. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue… In a world without borders, who needs Windows and Gates ? A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila. – Mitch Ratcliffe I was asked to have a password of 8 characters, so I chose mine as “Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs”. If your password is your name, you deserve to be hacked. There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer. – J.H. Goldfuss Man is still the most extraordinary computer of all. – John F. Kennedy Now that nearly everyone has access to a computer, could we possibly be turning from the rat race to the mouse race? Mac users swear by their computers. PC users swear at their computers. RAM disk is not an installation procedure. A computer will do what you tell it to do, but that may be much different from what you had in mind. – Joseph Weizenbaum User: The word computer professionals use when they mean “idiot.” – Dave Barry Congratulation! You are the 1000000th person to visit this site. To claim your reward press ctrl and w. Twice. The inside of a computer is as dumb as hell but it goes like mad! – Richard Feynman Computing is not about computers any more. It is about living. – Nicholas Negroponte After growing wildly for years, the field of computing appears to be reaching its infancy. – John Pierce Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. – Joseph Campbell 010011101 \nit’s not that we cannot explain , \nit’s just that you won’t understand it… The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes. – Edsger W. Dijkstra I changed all my passwords to ‘incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget. Those who say “If I can rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.” have obviously never seen a computer keyboard. Multitasking is crashing up several things at the same time… We BYTE People…A BIT at a time Giga bite me An apply a day keeps Microsoft away. Any fool can write code that a computer can understand. Good programmers write code that humans can understand. \n– Martin Fowler (refactoring: improving the design of existing code, 1999) I keep hitting the escape button on my keyboard but I’m still here. “I need some time to process this”, said a computer to another after a break-up. I often fall asleep in front of my computer, and it accompanies me in sleep mode. There are only two hard problems in computer science: cache invalidation and naming things. – Phil Karlton I can’t see an end. I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore. Definitely time for a new keyboard. History always tells a story…So make sure you clear it before your dad uses the PC!! Computers are perfect friends, they work with you when you work with them. Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. – Pablo Picasso The pen might be mightier than the sword but the keyboard trumps them both. My software has no bug. It develops random features. “Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.” \n(Pablo Picasso) “Computers are like bikinis. They save people a lot of guesswork.” \n(Sam Ewing) “They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.” \n(Janet Reno) “That’s what’s cool about working with computers. They don’t argue, they remember everything, and they don’t drink all your beer.” \n(Paul Leary) “If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” \n(Robert X. Cringely) “Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by ‘they’, I mean ‘computers’. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)” \n(Dave Barry) “I’ve noticed lately that the paranoid fear of computers becoming intelligent and taking over the world has almost entirely disappeared from the common culture. Near as I can tell, this coincides with the release of MS-DOS.” \n(Larry DeLuca) “The question of whether computers can think is like the question of whether submarines can swim.” \n(Edsger W. Dijkstra) “It’s ridiculous to live 100 years and only be able to remember 30 million bytes. You know, less than a compact disc. The human condition is really becoming more obsolete every minute.” \n(Marvin Minsky) “The city’s central computer told you? R2D2, you know better than to trust a strange computer!” \n(C3PO) “Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” \n(Steve Wozniak) “Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.” \n(Jeff Pesis) “Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.” \n(Alan Kay) “I’ve finally learned what ‘upward compatible’ means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.” \n(Dennie van Tassel) “There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence.” \n(Jeremy S. Anderson) “19 Jan 2038 at 3:14:07 AM” \n(End of the word according to Unix–2^32 seconds after January 1, 1970) “Every operating system out there is about equal… We all suck.” \n(Microsoft senior vice president Brian Valentine describing the state of the art in OS security, 2003) “Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the ‘most reliable Windows ever.‘ To me, this is like saying that asparagus is ‘the most articulate vegetable ever.‘ “ \n(Dave Barry) “The Internet? Is that thing still around?” \n(Homer Simpson) “The Web is like a dominatrix. Everywhere I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit.” \n(Nytwind) “Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is nothing like Shakespeare.” \n(Blair Houghton) “The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the computer hardware industry.” \n(Henry Petroski) “True innovation often comes from the small startup who is lean enough to launch a market but lacks the heft to own it.” \n(Timm Martin) “It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.” \n(Alan Cooper) “It is not about bits, bytes and protocols, but profits, losses and margins.” \n(Lou Gerstner) “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.” \n(Bumper sticker) “No matter how slick the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience, the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.” \n(Mark Gibbs) “The bulk of all patents are crap. Spending time reading them is stupid. It’s up to the patent owner to do so, and to enforce them.” \n(Linus Torvalds) “Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming.” \n(Brian Kernigan) “Complexity kills. It sucks the life out of developers, it makes products difficult to plan, build and test, it introduces security challenges, and it causes end-user and administrator frustration.” \n(Ray Ozzie) “There are two ways of constructing a software design. One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies. And the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.” \n(C.A.R. Hoare) “The function of good software is to make the complex appear to be simple.” \n(Grady Booch) “Just remember: you’re not a ‘dummy,’ no matter what those computer books claim. The real dummies are the people who–though technically expert–couldn’t design hardware and software that’s usable by normal consumers if their lives depended upon it.” \n(Walter Mossberg) “Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more ‘user-friendly’… Their best approach so far has been to take all the old brochures and stamp the words ‘user-friendly’ on the cover.” \n(Bill Gates) “There’s an old story about the person who wished his computer were as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no longer know how to use my telephone.” \n(Bjarne Stroustrup) “Any fool can use a computer. Many do.” \n(Ted Nelson) “There are only two industries that refer to their customers as ‘users’.” \n(Edward Tufte) “Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.” \n(Rich Cook) “Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.” \n(Larry Wall) “The trouble with programmers is that you can never tell what a programmer is doing until it’s too late.” \n(Seymour Cray) “That’s the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they really hate is lousy programmers.” \n(Larry Niven) “For a long time it puzzled me how something so expensive, so leading edge, could be so useless. And then it occurred to me that a computer is a stupid machine with the ability to do incredibly smart things, while computer programmers are smart people with the ability to do incredibly stupid things. They are, in short, a perfect match.” \n(Bill Bryson) “Computer science education cannot make anybody an expert programmer any more than studying brushes and pigment can make somebody an expert painter.” \n(Eric Raymond) “A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.” \n(IEEE Grid newsmagazine) “A hacker on a roll may be able to produce–in a period of a few months–something that a small development group (say, 7-8 people) would have a hard time getting together over a year. IBM used to report that certain programmers might be as much as 100 times as productive as other workers, or more.” \n(Peter Seebach) “The best programmers are not marginally better than merely good ones. They are an order-of-magnitude better, measured by whatever standard: conceptual creativity, speed, ingenuity of design, or problem-solving ability.” \n(Randall E. Stross) “A great lathe operator commands several times the wage of an average lathe operator, but a great writer of software code is worth 10,000 times the price of an average software writer.” \n(Bill Gates) “Don’t worry if it doesn’t work right. If everything did, you’d be out of a job.” \n(Mosher’s Law of Software Engineering) “Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.” \n(Bill Gates) “Writing code has a place in the human hierarchy worth somewhere above grave robbing and beneath managing.” \n(Gerald Weinberg) “First learn computer science and all the theory. Next develop a programming style. Then forget all that and just hack.” \n(George Carrette) “First, solve the problem. Then, write the code.” \n(John Johnson) “Optimism is an occupational hazard of programming; feedback is the treatment.” \n(Kent Beck) “To iterate is human, to recurse divine.” \n(L. Peter Deutsch) “The best thing about a boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.” \n(Anonymous) “Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.” \n(Stan Kelly-Bootle) “There are only two kinds of programming languages: those people always bitch about and those nobody uses.” \n(Bjarne Stroustrup) “PHP is a minor evil perpetrated and created by incompetent amateurs, whereas Perl is a great and insidious evil perpetrated by skilled but perverted professionals.” \n(Jon Ribbens) “The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should therefore be regarded as a criminal offense.” \n(E.W. Dijkstra) “It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to students that have had prior exposure to BASIC. As potential programmers, they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.” \n(E. W. Dijkstra) “I think Microsoft named .Net so it wouldn’t show up in a Unix directory listing.” \n(Oktal) “There is no programming language–no matter how structured–that will prevent programmers from making bad programs.” \n(Larry Flon) “Computer language design is just like a stroll in the park. Jurassic Park, that is.” \n(Larry Wall) “Fifty years of programming language research, and we end up with C++?” \n(Richard A. O’Keefe) “Writing in C or C++ is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed.” \n(Bob Gray) “In C++ it’s harder to shoot yourself in the foot, but when you do, you blow off your whole leg.” \n(Bjarne Stroustrup) “C++ : Where friends have access to your private members.” \n(Gavin Russell Baker) “One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that–lacking zero–they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.” \n(Robert Firth) “Java is, in many ways, C++–.” \n(Michael Feldman) “Saying that Java is nice because it works on all OSes is like saying that anal sex is nice because it works on all genders.” \n(Alanna) “Fine, Java MIGHT be a good example of what a programming language should be like. But Java applications are good examples of what applications SHOULDN’T be like.” \n(pixadel) “If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution.” \n(Robert Sewell) “Software is like sex: It’s better when it’s free.” \n(Linus Torvalds) “The only people who have anything to fear from free software are those whose products are worth even less.” \n(David Emery) “Good code is its own best documentation.” \n(Steve McConnell) “Any code of your own that you haven’t looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.” \n(Eagleson’s Law) “The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.” \n(Tom Cargill) “Good programmers use their brains, but good guidelines save us having to think out every case.” \n(Francis Glassborow) “In software, we rarely have meaningful requirements. Even if we do, the only measure of success that matters is whether our solution solves the customer’s shifting idea of what their problem is.” \n(Jeff Atwood) “Considering the current sad state of our computer programs, software development is clearly still a black art, and cannot yet be called an engineering discipline.” \n(Bill Clinton) “You can’t have great software without a great team, and most software teams behave like dysfunctional families.” \n(Jim McCarthy) “As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn’t as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.” \n(Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949) “Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are–by definition–not smart enough to debug it.” \n(Brian Kernighan) “If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.” \n(Edsger W. Dijkstra) “I don’t care if it works on your machine! We are not shipping your machine!” \n(Vidiu Platon) “Programming is like sex: one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.” \n(Michael Sinz) “There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.” \n(Alan J. Perlis) “You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.” \n(Bertrand Meyer) “If McDonalds were run like a software company, one out of every hundred Big Macs would give you food poisoning, and the response would be, ‘We’re sorry, here’s a coupon for two more.’ “ \n(Mark Minasi) “Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live.” \n(Martin Golding) “To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” \n(Paul Ehrlich) “A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history–with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” \n(Mitch Radcliffe) “Everything that can be invented has been invented.” \n(Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899) “I think there’s a world market for about 5 computers.” \n(Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM, circa 1948) “It would appear that we have reached the limits of what it is possible to achieve with computer technology, although one should be careful with such statements, as they tend to sound pretty silly in 5 years.” \n(John Von Neumann, circa 1949) “But what is it good for?” \n(Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968) “There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.” \n(Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977) “640K ought to be enough for anybody.” \n(Bill Gates, 1981) “Windows NT addresses 2 Gigabytes of RAM, which is more than any application will ever need.” \n(Microsoft, on the development of Windows NT, 1992) “We will never become a truly paper-less society until the Palm Pilot folks come out with WipeMe 1.0.” \n(Andy Pierson) “If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger.” \n (Frank Lloyd Wright) How To Avoid A Devastating Crash \nWe can go through life with no back up plan but God did not want you to fall so heavily that he made sure he provided each person with a back up plan so that your own personal life seen as a computer would not crash. A computer has to run well and in order to accomplish this task, there are several things you can do to protect its functioning just as you can protect your functioning from harm when God is always part and parcel of your own back up plan. You Have Special Protection \nComputers are also subject to bugs and viruses and thus must be protected with virus scanners and malware protection. Such is also the state of life where we can find that we are attacked for our beliefs and find that certain people may be tempted to try and undermine our faith with their own set of principles that may at first appear to be better. But, armed with specific thinking supplied through the word of God, our passwords are protected, our faith cannot be attacked for long, and we can destroy maliciousness from within our faith. Eliminate Unnecessary Information \nOur hard drives of life may be full of data that shows us how and what we wish and can do but at times, the hard drive can become inundated with too much worldly extraneous data that it starts to overload our capacity to deal with it. But do not despair for our hard drive can be purged of frivolous or harmful information through our appeal to the divine wisdom of the word of God. One Stroke Away \nOftentimes, we may find that we feel weak or are confronted with situations or circumstances that seem to overpower our ability to keep going forward. In these cases, God's help, like a computer keyboard, is only one keystroke away for it is within your grasp to bow your head and ask for his guidance at anytime or anywhere and he is there to listen. Cleaning and Care \nWe have to look after our computers for they can deteriorate without attention, without cleaning or preparing for new software to be installed. Our lives must be cleansed and prepared constantly for what is coming and for what we must be prepared to deal with as we go through each day. We can help cleanse our own personal lives with prayer and with showing our respect and dedication to be Godly in how we behave, and what we think. We are involved in a constant struggle to keep ourselves cleansed as more and more of life's ills confront us through good and bad times.