I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS \n \n A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. \n She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. \n So he says, 'Do you know me?' \n To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' \n Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???' \n She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.' Three nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. \n \n Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel. \n They ask who it is. “The blind man,” a voice replies. \n The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, “Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?” Boudreaux went to Hawaii on vacation, \n \n while he was sitting by the pool he spoke to the man sitting next to him, "My name is Boudreaux, i'm from dat Louziane, i'm here on vacation", "my house it caught itself on fire and i get a lil extra money from insurance man". \n The man replied, "interesting, i'm here from California and my house flooded and i used the extra insurance money to come here on vacation also. \n Boudreaux said, "Mais dats good, but let me axe you one ting, "How de hell did you start de flood?" Question; What's better than Roses on your Piano? \n \n Answer; Tulips on your Organ! What do you call a black guy who flies airplanes for a living? \n \n A pilot, you fucking racist! There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. \n \n Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. \n He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. \n The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. \n At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. \n The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs. \n The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . \n 'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...' \n 'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.. What is the difference between a professional poker player and a dog? \n \n Eventually the dog will stop whining! How come blondes never learn to waterski? \n \n Cause as soon as they get wet they lie down The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are the 7 Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. \n \n Grumpy leads the pack. \n Grumpy, my son, says the Pope, 'What can I do for you? \n Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome? \n The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome. \n In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. \n Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. \n Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe? \n The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then \n answers, No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe. \n This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. \n Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. \n Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf \n nuns anywhere in the world?' \n The Pope, really confused by the questions says, I'm sorry, \n my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.' \n The other dwarfs collapse into a heap , rolling and laughing, \n pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin \n chanting...... \n Grumpy screwed a penguin! \n Grumpy screwed a penguin! \n Grumpy screwed a penguin! LARRY is in Room 232 at the Hospital \n \n \nOkay, you are asking who in the hell is 'Larry'. \n \nLarry gets home late one night and, Linda, his wife says, 'Where in the hell have you been?' \n \nLarry replies, 'I was out getting a tattoo.' 'A tattoo?' she frowned. \n'What kind of tattoo did you get?' \n \n'I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,' he said proudly. \n \n'What the hell were you thinking?, she said, shaking her head in disgust. 'Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?' \n \nWell, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. \n \nAnd, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.' \n \nLarry is recovering in room 232 at the Hospital. What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine? \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \nWhen you put a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for a week. I ran into an old friend the other day that I hadn't seen in a long time. He looked great except for the very odd fact that he had rat ears. \n \nI said to him, "I'm sorry but I have to ask... what's up with your rat ears?" \nHe told me an amazing story: \n \n"A while back I found this old lantern and when I rubbed it a genie came out and granted me three wishes." \n \n"Well what did you wish for??" \n \n"Well, for my first wish, I wished for a billion dollars." \n \n"Wow! So, you're rich??" \n \n"Oh, yeah. Got five huge houses, fifteen cars, three yachts. It's great you should come party with me." \n \n"Uh, yes please! I'm so jealous! Well, what about your second wish?" \n \n"For my second wish, I wished to be able to have sex with any woman I want." \n \n"Nice call! How's that treating you?" \n \n"Amazing. Banged Jessica Alba last night. Gisele the night before. It pretty much rules." \n \n"That is unreal! You lucky bastard! Well, so what about your third wish???" \n \n"Um... well... I kind of screwed up on the third wish..." \n \n"What are you talking about? What was the third wish?!" \n \n"Um... well..." \n \n"Dude, tell me! What did you wish for?!" \n \n"Well... I wished for rat ears." Boudreaux was sitting at the bar in Benny's Bar and Seafood Market in Thibodaux, Louisiana, having a few beers. \nAfter a while he leans over to the guy sitting next to him and asked, "Hey do you wanna hear a really good Aggie joke"? \nThe big guy replies, "Let me tell you something, I'm an oil field roughneck, I weigh 270lbs., and I don't like cajuns". \n"My buddy here is a pro football player, he weighs 300lbs., and he doesn't like cajuns either". \n"His friend on the other side of him, is a pro wrestler and weighs in at 320lbs., he is mean as hell, and hates cajuns more than we do". \n"And we are all Aggies". \n"Now, do you really want to tell an Aggie joke?" \nBoudreaux, all 148lbs., puffs out his chest and replies, \n"Well, no I guess not. Cuz damn, I don't wanna have to explain it tree (3) times!" I went to the butchers shop with my wife today. She said to him ' is that a pigs head in the window?'.. he said 'no, its a mirror' What do you get when you clobber two babies to death with a whiffle ball bat? \n \n \nAn erection. Why do you put the baby in the blender feet first? \n \n \nSo you can whizz on its face as it is going down. Whats funnier than a dead baby? \n \n \nA dead baby in a clown costume A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me anything but a Budweiser." \n \nBartender replies, "Why not a Budweiser?" \n \nMan says, "Last night I drank 24 Budweisers and I blew chunks." \n \nBartender replies, " Well, a lot of people would puke after that." \n \nMan says, "No, you don't understand. Chunks is my dog." A drunk guy throws up all over himself at the bar. He starts moaning to the bartender how his wife is gonna kill him for ruining his new shirt. \n \nBartender says no problem, just put $10 in your shirt pocket and tell your wife some guy puked on you and gave you the money for drycleaning. Guys says thanks and heads home. \n \nGuy gets home and explains to his wife the whole story. She reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out the money. "Hey, wait a minute, this is a twenty". Oh yeah says the drunk, I forgot to tell you, the guy **** my pants too. Doctor to Patient: You have to stop masturbating. \n \nPatient: Why? \n \nDoctor: Because I'm trying to examine you. A Husband and Wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife and said, \n \n"Honey, tell me something that will make me happy and sad all at the same time." \n \nShe said, "Well, you have a bigger penis than all of your friends." A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. \n \nThe doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and \nbeing a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or \nbottle-fed. \n \n'Breast-fed,' she replied. \n \n'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. \n \nShe did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both \nbreasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. \n \nMotioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, \n \n'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk' \n \n'I know,' she said, \n \n'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.' What sound does a baby make when you put it in a blender? \n \n \nI don't know either, I was too busy jacking off. What is easier to unload, a truck full of Dead Babies or a truck full of bricks \n \n \nDead Babies, you can use a pitchfork Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a house? \n \n \nA: Depends how hard you throw them. What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball? \n \n \nYou can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball A woman was killed when she was hit by a truck driver yesterday. who's fault was it? \n \n \nthe truck drivers of course, what was he doing driving in the kitchen? Have you seen a picture of Helen Kellers dad? \n \n \nNeither has she! Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive a car? \n \n \nBecause shes was a woman Why cant Hellen Keller drive a train? \n \n \nBecause shes dead How do you torture Helen Keller ? \n \n \nGive her a basketball and tell her to read it What do you see when the pillsbury doughboy bends over? \n \n \n \nDoughnuts Why did the feminist cross the road? \n \n \nTo SUCK MY DICK! How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? \n \n \nTwo. One to screw it in, the other to SUCK MY DICK! How does Michael J. Fox prefer his martinis? \n \n \nShaken. Q: Why does Helen Keller Masturbate with one hand? \n \nA: So she can moan with the other. How does Helen Keller's parents punish her? \n \n \nThey secretly rearrange the furniture. I was in Home Depot the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy pushing his cart. \n \nI said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." \n \nThe young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." \n \nI said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" \n \nThe young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" \n \nI said, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours." \n \nMost old guys are helpful like that. How do you make a dead baby float? \n \n \nOne dead baby, two scoops of ice cream It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech. \n \n"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two things" he says, scanning his eyes across the room. \n \n"The first: you must be completely comfortable with anything on, in, or around the human body" and with this utterance dramatically whips the sheet off of a cadaver that has been laid face down on the table in front of him. He then, to the amazement of the medical students gathered in front of him proceeds to shove a finger into the cadavers anus, pulls the finger out, and then puts a finger into his mouth. \n \n"To impress upon you how important this is, I will now require that all of you form a line, walk up to the cadaver, and then do precisely as I have just done. Any person who find themselves unwilling to attempt this will automatically fail the program. If you don't think that you can handle it, the door is over there". After a minute of shocked murmuring, the students make their decision. A handful head to the door but the large majority of them form a line and proceed to mimic their instructor. \n \nAfter the students have finished and sat down, the doctor continues with his speech. "The second thing that you must master is this: pay attention to each and every detail, let none escape your notice. Needless to say, all of you have a great deal of work to do in this. I am appalled that not a single, solitary one of you noticed that I stuck my index finger into the cadaver's rectum, but my middle finger into my mouth". How did Helen Keller burn her hand? \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \nReading the waffle iron How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? \n \n \n \n \n \n \n \nThey attached doorknobs to the walls. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? \n \n \n*gag* ---- Why does New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps but California has the most lawyers? \n \n \nNew Jersey got 1s choice How did Helen Keller burn her cheek? \n \n \nThe phone rang and she answered the waffle iron. \nHow did she burn her other cheek? \n \n \nThey called back. \n \nThen I said, "Well, that's stupid, because Helen Keller was deaf, so she couldn't hear the phone." But I still like the joke and use it to this day. So my bus comes, and I get on, walk toward the back, and I sit down next to a beautiful blonde Chinese girl. \nI say "Hi." She says "hi." \nI say "Isn't it an amazing day?" and she says "It's OK, I guess." \n"Just OK?" \n"Yeah, things haven't been going too well for me lately." \n"What's wrong." \n"I can't tell you." \n"why not?" \n"Because I don't even know you." \n"Yeah but sometimes it's good to tell your problems to an absolute, total stranger on a bus." \n"well, I've just come from my therapist and he's still unable to help me." \n"why, what's wrong?" \nShe paused. Then she said "I'm a nymphomaniac and I only get turned on by Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Diane." \n"Hi, Dianne, I'm Bucky Goldstein." \n \n \nlink to animated version of joke: \n https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sNzQEQjfYog&feature=PlayList&p=1AA5B24DB5D420D2&playnext=1&index=6 What happens when a lawyer takes viagra? \n \n \nA: He grows taller! How do you know that a Chinese family is moving into town? \n \n \nEven the Mexicans are buying car insurance. A woman went into a bar, walked up to the bartender and asked for a double entendre. \n \nso he gave her one. why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella? \n \n \nfor drizzle. Chinese guy arrives to America and goes into the convenience store and buys a bottle of water. \n \nCashier tells him it's $1.00 \n \nHe goes in the next day and buys another bottle. \n \nCashier says it's $1.25 \n \nChinese guy says that he doesn't understand, it was only a dollar the day before -- why is it more now? \n \nCashier says, "Fluctuations" \n \nAsian guy pays, starts heading for the door, then turns around and screams "Well Fluck you Americans too!" why can't stevie wonder read? \n \n \nbecause he's black ldo Two black guys are walking down the road when they see a booth that says \n"Turn white, fifty cents." \nExcited, they reach into their pockets. One of them has no money, but the other has a one dollar bill. \n"I'll go in and turn white," \nthe black guys said to his friend, \n"and then when I come out I'll give you the fifty cents and you can go in and turn white too." \n"Pefect!" says the other black guy. \nSo, he goes in booth for a minute and when he comes back out he's white! \n"It worked!" says the black guy to his friend. \n"That's amazing. Okay, now give me the fifty cents so I can turn white too!" But friend just says, "Get a job, ******," and walks away. What is a black man's most white part? \n \nhis owner Two muffins are sitting in the oven. \nOne says to the other \n"Gettin pretty hot in here." \nThe other says, \n"Holy **** a talkin muffin!" A duck walks into a bar, goes up the bartender and says, \n"Got any grapes?" \nThe bartender says "No" \nand the duck walks out. \nThe next day the same duck walks into the bar, goes up to the bartender and says, \n"Got any grapes?" \nAgain, the bartender says \n"No" \nand the duck walks out. \nThe next day the duck walks into the bar again and goes up the bartender and says \n"Got any grapes?" \nThe bartender says, \n"Look, duck. You've come in here three days in a row asking me if I have any grapes and I keep telling you no. If you come in here and ask me that one more time I'm going to nail your beak to the bar!" \nThe duck walks out. \nA couple weeks go by with no sign of the duck. \nFinally one day the duck walks in and goes up to the bartender and says, \n"Go any nails?" \nThe bartender says "no." \nThe duck says, "Got any grapes?" A friend of mine decided he was going to go skydiving. \nI told him I thought I would be terrified. \nHe said he certainly was, but was inspired by the Jump instructor, a rough looking fellow about 6'4" who told him if he didn't jump he was going to #$%& him in the @ss. I asked him if he jumped and his reply - \n \n \nWell yeah, a little, at first An Ivy Leaguer is leaving a New York City Poker den when he happens upon a busted degenerate gambler from the game he was just playing in. \n"Hey man, you wanna let me borrow some money so I could get back in the game?" \nthe gambler politely asks. \n"'Neither a borrower nor a lender be,' William Shakesphere, Hamlet;" the Ivy leaguer responds, with an air of smug superiority. \nThe gambler quickly fires back: "'GO F**K YOURSELF!', Chazz Palminteri, A Bronx Tale." What's the diff between a Jew and a canoe? \n \nA canoe tips Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants? \n \n \n \n \nSo you could read her lips. The Hypnotist \n \n"Instead of asking for volunteers, tonight I am going to hypnotize the entire audience. Keep your eye on the watch. You are getting tired, your arms are heavy, now you are asleep. Go ahead and stand up." \nThe audience complies \n \n"Now, turn around" \nThe audience complies \n \n \n"Now, back around and sit down" \nThe audience complies \n \n \nThe hypnotist drops his watch and it shatters into a thousand pieces \n \n"S#1T" \nThe audience complies A guy shows up for work on Monday morning with two black eyes. His buddies all gather around and start asking what happened, where did you get the shiners. \n \n"I got them in chruch", he responded. \n \n"In church? You've got to be kidding. How?", they asked. \n \n"Well I was sitting in church behind this fat woman. When we stood up to sing, I noticed that her dress was stuck in her butt crack. So, without thinking I reached up and pulled it out. So she turns around and hits me right in the eye." he answered. \n \n"That's only one black eye, how did you get the other one?", they asked. \n \n"Well, I stood there for a moment rubbing my eye. Then occured to me that she must have wanted it up there, so I reached up and tucked it back in..." Two guys are sitting at a bar. \nOne looks around and says to the other: \n"I bet you I could take home any girl in this bar I wanted to tonight." \nThe other guys says, \n"Really? What's your secret?" \nHis friend replies, \n"I'm a rapist." " Dad whats the difference between a pussy and a **nt?" a young son asks. \n \n" Look at this," says dad as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping mother," thats a pussy son." \n \n" Thats wonderful dad can i touch it? " \n \n" No son " says dad " If u touch the pussy u will wake the **nt up! " A plane going down, they throw out all the bags to lighten the load. \nits still going down so the pilot get on the speaker and says, \nok people are going to start having to jump out to save the rest, \nwe'll do this the only fair way, \nalphabetically....first the A's...will all the africans come to the front of the plane....(no one gets up).... \nok the B's...will all the blacks come to the front...(no one gets up)... \nok the C's...will all the colored's come to the front...(no one gets up)... \na little black boy turns to his mom and says "mom aren't we african, black, and colored?" the mother replies, "yes son, but today, we're ******s, and we're letting the mexicans die first!" I'mm thinking of opening a pancake house in an old abandoned church.... \n \n \nnot sure though, think it might give people the crepes. One morning, in the maternity ward, a baby boy is born to proud parents. \nThe doctor comes to speak to them and says \n"He's healthy, but there's a problem. Your son has no eyelids. \nWithout them, his eyes will dry over and he'll be blind in a few days. \nBut, we can try an experimental procedure." \nThe parents agree, so the doctors remove the boys foreskin and fashion it into eyelids. \nThe procedure was a success, and his vision was saved. \nBut, he's still a little kocheyed. A Paki dies and goes to Heaven. \nSt Pete asks "What are you doing here" \nTo which the Paki replies "I am here for Jesus" \nSt Pete replies "Oh, Yeah" and getting on PA "JESUS! your cabs here"