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Help with Proofing?

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Renegade:
Wraith808 posted a request for help proofing and editing a story here:

https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35897.0

kyrathaba has a thread on a novel he wrote here:

https://www.donationcoder.com/forum/index.php?topic=35166.0

Gotta admit... A lot of respect and admiration there. And MOTIVATION/INSPIRATION!


So... I have a request for anyone that is interested.

Please proof/edit/critique the first draft of a very short story I've written here:

http://cynic.me/An-Eye-for-the-Unseen.zip

The ZIP file is password protected. The password is:

Renegade

(That's only to protect it from being indexed/read by bots.)

It's a total of 3,337 words in a single chapter.

If possible, please use the track changes feature in Word for any edits, and the "New Comment" feature for comments/critiques/etc.

I'll put some info in spoilers in case anyone wants to read blind. The spoilers have no major information to reveal anything in the story so as to not ruin things for anyone.

GenreSci-fi/supernatural/horror

If you read "Genre", this is what it is NOTNo gore.
No sex.
No violence.

Language - profanity/obscenityI use profanity in the story, though not excessively. There is no explicit language other than a few uses of the F word and anagrams of "this". You'll likely hear worse on the TV or at work.


What I wanted to portray - abstract - no spoilersI wanted to blend science fiction and horror together with a spiritual aspect, and hence, the supernatural.

I tried to blend science with the supernatural in a "scientific" way.

I also wanted to portray a bit of tension between friends. Nothing extreme. Just some disagreement.

There are some other things in there that I wanted to do, but I'd rather leave them for you to read and discover.


Voice - technical pointI flopped around for a long time before starting it, but settled on the third person limited omniscience voice weighted towards the main character.

Originally I wanted to do this in the first person, but flopped over.


Thank you in advance for any feedback.


EDIT:

Ooops... forgot. Please email any files to ryan at renegademinds dot com. Thanks.

Contro:
 ;D

I came here to ask for help and see your post.
I will try

Learn English ? Wonderful . Downloading !!!!!!!! :-*

Renegade:
;D

I came here to ask for help and see your post.
I will try

Learn English ? Wonderful . Downloading !!!!!!!! :-*
-Contro (September 12, 2013, 11:18 AM)
--- End quote ---

If English isn't your first language, don't worry. Just focus on the story/plot/whatever. (But don't focus on grammar. ;) )

TaoPhoenix:
Heh Renny password protected zip file is a bit overkill!

Why bother? The NSA read it already! They think you need better temporal exposition to set the scene. Joe told me so!

:P

Renegade:
Heh Renny password protected zip file is a bit overkill!

Why bother? The NSA read it already! They think you need better temporal exposition to set the scene. Joe told me so!

:P-TaoPhoenix (September 12, 2013, 11:56 AM)
--- End quote ---

I'm not worried about them. It's only to prevent bots from indexing the file. Kind of like a different version of the robots.txt file.

But yeah... That's still depressing. :(

So just read it and plaster me then! :)

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