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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
tomos:
With apologies, this here is a hit and run criticism - the only reason I think it's still worth posting is because it's about first impressions.
I've just read the prologue and most of the first chapter - and I'm hooked :up:
The thing is when you start reading, you're not hooked, so you're much more critical. With that in mind, my criticism is aimed mainly at the prologue. Note that incidences do seem to reduce after that anyway.
Excessive use of comma's was the thing that disrupted my reading most (and that mainly in prologue): I'm no grammatical expert, so your use of commas may be technically correct - but I found a few examples in the prologue where, if I read the text out loud, it would sound quite stilted. Maybe I read different to others, but I find I notice that without actually reading it out loud, and it distracts me from the content.
All my opinion and FWIW!
Where I remove something below, I put empty square brackets []
1
But when it happened, I was a lad
of sixteen. I’m one of the few survivors of that Tuesday’s viral, then nuclear,
holocaust that swept the globe on June 6th, 2276.
--- End quote ---
-
this above ok, but I think this flows better:
But when it happened[] I was a lad
of sixteen. I’m one of the few survivors of that Tuesday’s viral, [and] then nuclear[]
holocaust that swept the globe on June 6th, 2276.
2
Apparently, the aliens were able
to leverage that fact.
--- End quote ---
-
the comma makes it too slow
Apparently[] the aliens were able
to leverage that fact.
Also, why apparently? - it sounds like it was very definite)
3
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article, alright.”
--- End quote ---
-
try the read-out-loud test - the "..., alright" bit fails for me
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article[] alright.”
4
“As sure as I can be, Byron, considering that...
--- End quote ---
-
*for me* fails the read-out-loud test
“As sure as I can be[] Byron, considering that...
5
Acquisition and reallocation of materiele.
--- End quote ---
-
=> should that be "materials" ? or is he Dutch :)
6
But the humor was lost on
Byron, whose mind obviously had drifted.
--- End quote ---
-
suggestion (flows better imo)
But the humor was lost on
Byron, whose mind [had] obviously [] drifted.
7
Jerking to his
feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.
--- End quote ---
-
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
edit/
sorry I didnt add paragraph details - all in prologue or first half of chapter one :-[
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 8
Paragraph 17.2 "How goes Operation Moving Deeper? Mentioned previously:
Chapter 7 Paragraph 16.21 "I want you to begin project Moving Deeper immediately." Maybe doesn't always need to be the same, but it was ‘Project Moving Deeper’ in 10.8, project Moving Deeper here, Operation Moving Deeper in 17.2, Operation Moving Deeper in 18.15, 19.6 & 20.6
--- End quote ---
Paragraph 17.3
"We’ve bored another fifty meters along that vector, achieving an increased depth of twenty-five meters." I'm not sure I understand 50 metres at 30 degrees = 25 metres depth?
"in another ... oh ... make it nine days" I was going to complain about the spaces around the ellipsis, but WikiPedia convinced me I'm wrong :-[
Paragraph 17.4 "There’d have been a time where we’d have been tickled to death to come upon such a find" Should that be 'when'?
Paragraph 17.15 "“Everyone feeling all better now?” asked Sethra." Didn't sound quite right: I'd say "Everyone feeling better now?" or "Everyone all better now?" Although 'all better now' is a standard phrase... maybe it's the 'feel' that makes it sound funny to me? Maybe it's just me?
Paragraph 17.18 "Sethra’s grin caused his friend to assess what he was asking, and he caught himself." I don't know if this is an issue, but Sethra's grin make him catch himself, then he assessed what he was asking, not what the 'then' implies in the sentence.
Paragraph 17.22 "And there would be the superimposed virtual reality of some environment or other." Sethra is answering Veronee's direct question about them being virtually in the kyrathaba environment, so I wondered if 'some environment' would be what was answered? Maybe 'gaming environment'?
Paragraph 17.26 "We, on the other hand, are a digital conglomeration of both data and behaviors associated with that data" I was going to complain about conglomeration, but after reading the dictionaries it seems that my geological background has put a specific disordered slant on the word (unfairly it seems). Especially as say a conglomerate of companies has to be very ordered :)
Paragraph 17.28
"We are, to oversimplify, objects like the cat and dog in that ancient game, only in our case[,] orders of magnitude more complex." I would put in a comma there, to emphasise '...complex'.
"Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of this we now have the technology to embed in a digital format." I sort of felt that 'all of this' was a little limited, so wondered if something like: 'Our ability to think, to reason, to dream, to problem-solve -- all of the functions of life -- can now be embed in a digital format.'
Paragraph 17.30 "I have ... engineered ... matters[,] such that this program cannot be terminated without shutting down everything in A-3." I would add the comma, if that gives a better sense. And should it be ', so that'?
Paragraph 17.32 " warning him to harden the computer matrix, to expand it." Is the expanding part of the hardening? Because as it's written it feels like 'expand' is a clarification on 'harden', or is it another task? Back in 15.12 it was 'Harden ... . Continue to add greater redundancy.'
Paragraph 17.36 "but you can believe me when I tell that it is possible" Should that be 'say' or 'tell you'. I know my last attempt at creating emphasis failed... but if I was Sethra I would emphasise the three terms audibly: is possible, server reality and embedded reality.
Paragraph 17.37 "Since we’re hosted in computer memory in A-3" Does he mean 'Since we’re hosted in the same computer memory'?
Paragraph 17.38 "It requires even VR game players to exit the environment entirely in order to interact with their typical reality." May be right, but wonder if 'home' may be better?
Paragraph 17.41 "Byron asked, “How much memory do each of us, as an individual whose consciousness is now embedded into a digital substrate, take up in the matrix?”" Is Byron following on his train of thought after Veronee's question "until they find this running program"? Because it felt just a little random | out of the blue, and I wondered if linking it a little stronger in terms of the resources being used by the programme and them? i.e. 1.5 Pb * 4 * learning growth = ~8 Pb or 0.01% of memory? That may just be me tho'
Paragraph 17.42 "“Just for our memories and personalities, around 1.5 Petabytes. More, as we ‘learn’ via our experiences in this new ‘world.’”" Should be '‘world’.'
Paragraph 17.47 "Byron was relentless," About what? Because if it's the "Near future?" question, he'd just tabled it rather than pursuing relentlessly...
Paragraph 17.49 "Veronee asked, “What’s the name of this reality, again?”" I think the comma is unnecessary here. Unless she was just about asleep, then maybe a couple more could be added? ;)
4wd:
Excessive use of comma's was the thing that disrupted my reading most (and that mainly in prologue): I'm no grammatical expert, so your use of commas may be technically correct - but I found a few examples in the prologue where, if I read the text out loud, it would sound quite stilted. Maybe I read different to others, but I find I notice that without actually reading it out loud, and it distracts me from the content.-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
--- End quote ---
It's one of the reasons I made a comment back here about commas but, like you, I'm no grammatical expert either.
Jerking to his
feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.
--- End quote ---
-
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
--- End quote ---
I think spewed is probably just as graphic as vomited, (well, in this country anyway), but I can't think of anything else offhand.
Perry Mowbray:
Excessive use of comma's was the thing that disrupted my reading most (and that mainly in prologue): I'm no grammatical expert, so your use of commas may be technically correct - but I found a few examples in the prologue where, if I read the text out loud, it would sound quite stilted. Maybe I read different to others, but I find I notice that without actually reading it out loud, and it distracts me from the content.-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
--- End quote ---
It's one of the reasons I made a comment back here about commas but, like you, I'm no grammatical expert either.
-4wd (July 04, 2013, 06:45 AM)
--- End quote ---
I must admit that I've been deferring to the Author thinking that it was maybe a more American way of writing? I'm certainly no expert... I find myself using commas often as I like to read slowly, but a comma before the last word of the sentence can change the meaning, eg:
3
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article, alright.”
--- End quote ---
-
try the read-out-loud test - the "..., alright" bit fails for me
“How can you be sure? Have you tested it?”
“Not fully, but it’s the genuine article[] alright.”
-tomos (July 04, 2013, 05:33 AM)
--- End quote ---
The use of the comma before 'alright' seems to make it a question rather than strengthening the statement. Do you think?
Jerking to his feet, he vomited a stream of expletives.
--- End quote ---
-
suggestion / "vomited" is too graphic and thereby distracts from content I find
Jerking to his
feet, he [spewed] a stream of expletives.
--- End quote ---
I think spewed is probably just as graphic as vomited, (well, in this country anyway), but I can't think of anything else offhand.
-4wd (July 04, 2013, 06:45 AM)
--- End quote ---
I always stumbled over 'vomited' when reading it, but figured that K was colourfully augmenting the event with Compound realities (sickness, irritability, etc) so didn't worry too much. I think spewed is less graphic than vomited, because vomited is slightly onomatopoeic :-\
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 9
Paragraph 18.3 "Small robot units the size of cats roamed the vast space." Not that I think you need to change this, but cats are very variable in size.
Paragraph 18.27 "somebody gets lost in the forest and winds up perambulating in circles for days" Is it just Byron? Most people would say 'walking' I think?
Paragraph 18.38 "some other data sets I felt would be helpful, loaded into the digital substrate in which our minds now reside." Would 'preloaded' be better / more accurate?
Paragraph 18.48
"Internally, the vast majority of the available volume of the ship was a huge lake of hydrogen dioxide." I'm not sure 'lake' fits this spherical description? Lake, for me, implies horizontal expanse. If it was vertical expanse, it'd be a well. If it's spherical, it'd be... :-\ Is gravity (or lack there of) an issue here?
"dozens of meters beneath the surface of their lake." Does this imply them swimming level? As I'd think that without the direction that gravity gives that that wouldn't be the case?
"This land mass had relatively few surviving pockets of humanity" Should that be 'surprisingly'? I'm assuming that the aliens are not acquainted with the reasons for the low population density? Or had the government finally implemented Bradfield's inland water scheme and we drowned after the nukes?
"in comparison to what the aliens had learned that the natives referred to as North America and Europe." Should that be 'in comparison to what the aliens had learned of what the natives referred to as North America and Europe.'?
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