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Sci-fi novel now available from DC member kyrathaba!
kyrathaba:
Quadrilogy? Probably not. I promise if it is, though, I'll get it finished within 3 years. :P
kyrathaba:
One thing that has been very encouraging to me so far is that the feedback I'm getting is technical (and extremely helpful, as I've said several times), not critical. In other words, it seems people are enjoying the actual story/action.
Perry Mowbray:
Chapter 18
Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." What is hynotherapy? Also, I think that long-term virtual-reality immersion is not necessary...
Paragraph 27.4 "A medical robot stood behind a horseshoe shaped control console, in the center of the radial pod array, like a composer among some macabre symphony." 'Conductor'?
Paragraph 27.5 "Mephord stood for minutes, taking it all in." Maybe: 'Mephord stood, taking it all in, for many minutes.'
Paragraph 27.9 "Anyone screws up its functioning will be taking a vacation on the surface!" I'm not sure this phrase works very well?
Paragraph 27.10
"They are not to remove anything from this room unless it is something they brought with them." What about taking digital copies (software, etc)? I'd think he'd close up the room completely...
"You have permission to override my chime if any precipitous events occur during the night." Do you think this gives too much 'judgement' as to what is 'sudden and dramatic'?
Paragraph 27.15 "2283-07-13T01:04-5:00" That's over an hour since Mephord was in the room? I didn't understand why the time delay?
Paragraph 27.20
"You will continue to remain fully connected to the running immersion software at all times, even if that means somehow avoiding your scheduled diagnostics in Engineering." I think somehow is superfluous.
"Maintain sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker and continue to promote our objectives in that milieu." This is certainly eye-opening, but as an instruction I thought a little confused... maybe: 'Continue to promote our objectives in that milieu. Ensure sub-personality Exodore Heartseeker maintains association with our immersed assets.' Not sure about the 'maintains association' bit (don't know where you're going with it), but I thought swapping put the command in a more correct order, as for importance.
Paragraph 27.21 "The android responded affirmatively, then waited one-hundred [and] ninety-nine seconds for a reply.' That's the internationalisation of number clauses again...
Paragraph 27.22 "It appears they probably lost a crew member to a trap near the Tibetan Plateau. Attempted infiltration of Compound A-3 is deemed likely." I think both words may be superfluous?
Paragraph 27.23 "A32N-15 sent a tight-beam acknowledgment and cut the connection, for voices indicated personnel approaching down the corridor." Is 'for' correct? i.e. he cut the connection because people were approaching? Which'd mean they could identify he was transmitting?? Oh, and are androids a he?
Paragraph 27.27 "Grant Thompson lay on his cot in his newly assigned cubicle in Ericson Cavern. He was thinking about his neighbor in the cubicle next to his." Just a hint of tautology in there...
Paragraph 27.29 "He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" 'How was she managing to exert this control' should be italics because it was part of the same thought? Also: 'fascinating' seems just a little light... would 'alarming' or 'terrifying' fit better? In 27.31 he says that fear is generated, but it's dismissed "There was fear underlying the anger, but Grant dismissed it."
Paragraph 27.31 "Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances. He would make use of it in this one." Is a little obscure? How about 'Anger was a useful tool, in many circumstances, he would make sure that this was one of those circumstances.
Paragraph 27.32 "His original left hand had rotted in the carcass of a tiger shark, along the seabed off Key West in [the] August of 2275." Is there a missing 'the' in there?
Paragraph 27.33 "His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option left. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt around and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. He tore through that. Five more minutes of this tedious business, then suddenly he was on the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot."
I'm not sure if it's just the surprising nature of this paragraph that got me confused, but maybe a couple small changes may help...
'His arms and legs were very firmly tied down. He didn’t think he could free his left arm. Only one option remained. He pressed down into the thin mattress with his cybernetic left hand and ripped a handful of the material away. Did this again. Felt through the hole and found the woven polypropylene that supported the mattress. Gripping the slat at the junction to the frame, he twisted until it snapped. Found the next one and did it again. Five more minutes of this intricate procedure, then suddenly he crashed the floor. At least, part of him was. His legs were still partially pinned but his rear end sagged down, making contact with the floor. This gave him enough room to work his left arm free, and he was soon standing beside his ruined cot.'
I've now got to read this to Sandi... and come to grips with what's happened :(
Sandi is shocked... ;D
A few things from reading it out...
Paragraph 27.3 "Four dessicated corpses lay in similar states of advanced decomposition, each harnessed into a pod of the sort sometimes used for burn victims, hynotherapy of trauma victims, and for long-term virtual-reality immersion." I don't really know, but initially I wondered if the smell would be so prevalent after the bodies had become dried?
Paragraph 27.29 "He tried to send a distress signal via his implant, but found he was somehow blocked. He ran a diagnostic. No malfunction was evident. He just couldn’t bring himself to send the signal. Interesting. I must admit, my new neighbor is the most fascinating creature I’ve met since my encounter during my last dive. How was she managing to exert this control?" and 27.34 "He tried again to send a distress signal via his implant. No cigar." I'm not sure I'm understanding how those bits fit together with the italicized (doesn't quite sound right?).
Perry Mowbray:
Paragraph 26.78 "The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it" I took me a little while to understand what you were meaning here... maybe something like 'onboard sensors searching for unidentified objects' would explain it better? It is explained in the next sentence, but I stumbled here and didn't read the next sentence until I thought it was talking about scanning the earth (which it wasn't).
-Perry Mowbray (June 29, 2013, 08:53 PM)
--- End quote ---
I like 4wd's 'defensive scanning' better...
The ship orbited slowly, scanning vigilantly all around it, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour.
--- End quote ---
The ship orbited slowly, getting closer to the continent called North America with each passing hour, [close proximity|near space] defensive scanning protocols in [operation|place|effect|?].
-4wd (June 29, 2013, 09:13 PM)
--- End quote ---
Perry Mowbray:
America doesn't use and in numerical descriptions for whole numbers, (something that was new to me). Come to think of it, without going back through a load of books, I wouldn't be able to tell you if any of the other American writers I read put it in or not - I just automatically skip/insert it. It's only because of the proofreading that I actively try looking for things to query.
-4wd (June 29, 2013, 09:13 PM)
--- End quote ---
Just found this at http://www.grammar-monster.com/lessons/numbers_how_to_write_in_full.htm:
Be aware that some grammar purists (particularly in America) state that and is only used when writing numbers to denote a decimal point.
In other words, if you wrote one hundred and one, they would take this to mean 100.1 and not 101.
--- End quote ---
So maybe it's an internationalisation thing? Consistency seems to be the most important thing...
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